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deaddogsmoking
  • 4 days ago
First broadcast 9th January 2007.

As Lip turns 18, the Maguires expect more of him. Meanwhile, as the Gallaghers witness Kev and Veronica being arrested abroad for illegal baby adoption, their estranged mother Monica, returns.


Rebecca Ryan ... Debbie
Elliott Tittensor ... Carl
Johnny Bennett ... Liam
Jody Latham ... Lip
Gerard Kearns ... Ian
David Threlfall ... Frank
Samantha Siddall ... Mandy
Sean Gilder ... Paddy
Tina Malone ... Mimi
Nicky Evans ... Shane
Ciaran Griffiths ... Micky
Alice Barry ... Lillian
Kelli Hollis ... Yvonne
Gillian Kearney ... Sue
Marjorie Yates ... Carol
Rebecca Atkinson ... Karen
Lindsey Dawson ... Jez
Annabelle Apsion ... Monica
Maxine Peake ... Veronica
Dean Lennox Kelly ... Kevin
Dystin Johnson ... Norma
Jack Deam ... Marty
Warren Donnelly ... Stan
Michael Legge ... Tom
Michael Atkinson ... Fireman
Darren Southworth ... Foreign Office Official
Helen Moon ... Nurse
James Lauren ... Plumber
William Atkinson ... Local Reporter
Phil Gwilliam ... News Reporter
David Lemberg ... Romanian
Dean McGonagle ... Will
Maggie O'Neill ... Sheila(voice)

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Now nobody's saying the Chatsworth estate is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of, because every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
00:19See, they can all think for themselves, which they've got me to thank for.
00:24Quick, leggy!
00:26Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip anymore.
00:30Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others, because she's disappeared into thin air.
00:35And Carl, we don't let him grow his hair for two reasons.
00:38One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toya.
00:41Two, nits love him.
00:42Debbie, sent by God, total angel.
00:45You have to check your chains, but she'll go miles out of the way to do your favour.
00:49Plus, they could be him.
00:51She's going to be a star someday.
00:53Sheila, me bird.
00:54Couldn't be happier.
00:56One plate short of a full sail, eh?
00:58And fantastic neighbours.
01:00Kevin, Veronica.
01:01Lend you anything.
01:02Well, almost anything.
01:03Carol and Marty, the lodges from hell.
01:06Last of the lonely hearts and the psychologist's wet dream.
01:09Still, nobody's perfect.
01:11But all of them two are mad.
01:13No, first and foremost, one of the most vital necessities in life is they know how to throw a party.
01:19Ah, eh, eh, eh, eh, scat off.
01:28The thing about surprises is, the better to give them to receive.
01:32Like 18th birthday parties.
01:33The fun part's the planning.
01:35You get to make the list, tick things off, delegate jobs and be in charge.
01:39While the other person you're doing it for, just has to pretend they haven't noticed.
01:43Which, of course, they always have.
01:45Dad!
01:46Because everyone's acting so weird.
01:51Alan.
01:51Who's put that there?
02:18Who puts a fucking pizza on a seat, man?
02:22The real surprise in life, though, you never get any warning about.
02:25Shit.
02:25Shit, shit, shit, shit.
02:43Fuck the...
02:44Oh, fucking hell.
02:48Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
03:18Is there an extra kit?
03:22You know, two lists of it, both wives.
03:24Which one should I call?
03:26Whichever one bloody answers.
03:33So where's my present, then?
03:35You'll have to wait till tomorrow down the Trapid Centre.
03:40Should I be worried?
03:41We'll be holding this.
03:41I need to wait till tomorrow.
03:51Guys, shake.
03:54Oh, shit.
03:58Oh, shit.
04:01Oh, shit.
04:02Oh, shit.
04:03Oh, shit.
04:05Oh, shit.
04:07Oh, shit.
04:07Dad, Mum, over A.
04:27Happy birthday, Philip.
04:32Easy, baby.
04:34Yay! Oh, I knew you'd miss me.
04:40Take it, then.
04:41Thanks, Paddy.
04:43You're welcome.
04:45So, good going, man, now, Philip, eh?
04:49Come to the edge.
04:51With that comes responsibility.
04:57A knuckle duster.
05:01Shane, Mickey.
05:04Come on, then.
05:07Bring the boss.
05:17What the fuck are you doing?
05:20A little birthday treat.
05:21Our way of saying welcome to the car.
05:23Oh!
05:24Oh, give him one.
05:25Joking at you.
05:26I'm not hitting some random bloke.
05:28He owes his money, don't you?
05:29Which means he owes you, Philip.
05:31You what?
05:31Well, I haven't exactly noticed you turning into Rockefeller lately.
05:34Of course.
05:34And if you're gonna swan about sponging off me,
05:36then there's some jobs, I wonder.
05:39Right.
05:48Give her to me.
05:52Aye.
05:52She's my daughter.
05:54I'll support her.
05:55Earl and Mandy.
05:56And I don't need help from you, Paddy.
05:57Fine, not another penny from us.
05:59Let's see how long you last.
06:00A lifetime.
06:03Mandy.
06:04And we'll let Dad.
06:06Leave it.
06:08There's more than one way to skin a cunt.
06:12What were you saying, Patrick?
06:14Hasn't little Gage got Frank's eyes?
06:16Nothing to see here, just some drunk who set fire to his dinner.
06:39Is he...
06:44He's our dad.
06:45He'll be fine.
06:47Live another day to waste our time.
06:49Might want to give him this.
06:55Come on, Liam.
06:56Just through here, Mrs Gallagher.
07:08We've given him some fluids, pumped his stomach
07:10and a rabies jam for his dog bites.
07:13Quite a night he's had.
07:14Oh, shit.
07:36Oi!
07:38Open the fucking door!
07:40Kev!
07:41Kev!
07:42Veronica!
07:43There's no answer.
07:44They're still not back, Yvonne.
07:46And there's 12 bottles of milk around there.
07:47Well, where the hell are they?
07:49Booze run don't take this long!
07:50Look, I've told you, I don't know where they are!
07:53Ow!
07:54Ow!
07:57All Marty said
07:58was that they were going abroad
08:00and that they were sharing the drive-in.
08:01Well, I lent them 200 quid.
08:03And now I've found out they've had 20 off for Lillian and all.
08:06And 500 off Jess.
08:07Oh, God.
08:08If they've done a runner, I'll have to move.
08:10They haven't done a runner, Carol.
08:11Look,
08:11if Kev and Veronica were doing a moonlight flip,
08:13they wouldn't take Marty with them, would they?
08:15No!
08:16See?
08:16So they'll be back.
08:18Bye.
08:20Tonight, I think they said.
08:22They promised me.
08:24And they promised me
08:24I'd have my money back last week.
08:27Three biggest lies, eh?
08:28Biggest beautiful,
08:30your check's in the post
08:31and I won't come in your fucking mouth.
08:40God.
08:41Women, eh?
08:43All this darkness without you
08:45till they get a ring on their finger.
08:46Then they can't stand by you and you're out of need.
08:48You accept fighty dinner, Frank.
08:51Be thankful she's there the rest of the time.
08:53Oh,
08:53how silly of me to think
08:54someone cares.
08:56But the fact is,
08:58your mother would rather do a latticework pastries of Denmark course
09:01than save me from the flames.
09:03You should be on the stage.
09:05Say it again, please, Jess.
09:07All right.
09:07Are you covered in sick?
09:14Son, you're ugly.
09:16But tomorrow, I shall be clean.
09:18Oh, happy birthday, Lip.
09:20Oh, thanks, Jess.
09:22So what did you get in there, Frank?
09:25BMW.
09:26What I give my kiddies
09:28money can't buy.
09:30Sandy.
09:33All right.
09:3489.
09:35CD from the year you were born.
09:37Shall we put it on?
09:38Yeah, why not?
09:39Cheers, Jess.
09:41God, we nearly lost you in the womb, Philip.
09:44Yeah.
09:45Monica nigh on miscarried
09:47when Margaret fucked you up the arse.
09:48Thatcher fucked us up the arse
09:50by getting in for an historic third term.
09:53Thank fuck ecstasy turned up.
09:55Happy Mondays indeed.
09:57That's not right, Frank.
09:59She couldn't have been pregnant at election time.
10:01That were 87.
10:02Look,
10:03Lily and love,
10:04do you not think...
10:0411th of June, 1987.
10:06That were my Brendan's 40th.
10:08But we had to cancel party
10:09when we were depressed.
10:10So we went to Brighton instead.
10:12Great big hurricane.
10:14Brendan got it.
10:15We're flying beach hut.
10:17Terrible year.
10:19Oh, that's right.
10:20Because you were born in 88.
10:23Because
10:24we registered you
10:26a year after.
10:28Because we're going to do it.
10:29We ended up in Ladbrokes.
10:30Big win.
10:30Happy days.
10:31Yeah, we went out and got wankered.
10:32I think Monica left you on a bus.
10:33So you're saying I were born in 88?
10:34Are you on a fucking laugh?
10:35That means I'm 19.
10:3618, 19, whatever.
10:37Whatever.
10:38Whatever?
10:39That's my fucking life.
10:40That means I went to school a year late.
10:41It means I were 18 a year ago.
10:42Happy birthday for last year then.
10:44So you're saying I was born in 88?
10:47So you're saying I were born in 88?
10:47What?
10:48So you're saying I was born in 88?
10:49Are you on a fucking laugh?
10:50That means I'm 19.
10:5118, 19, whatever.
10:53Whatever.
10:54That's my fucking life.
10:55That means I went to school a year late.
10:57It means I were 18 a year ago.
11:00Happy birthday for last year then.
11:14Andy! Andy!
11:16Come in, Daddy. Quick, then.
11:18Happy birthday!
11:20Happy birthday!
11:22Ta-da!
11:24Sorry about the cake.
11:26Sheila's one got melted in the fire.
11:28Thanks to Dad. Don't worry about it.
11:30It's great.
11:32Go on, then. Make a wish.
11:34What?
11:36Happy birthday.
11:38What are you doing here?
11:40Well, I'm not gonna miss Slip's
11:4219th birthday, am I?
11:44Happy birthday,
11:46Darlene. When you miss Fiona's,
11:48you always miss her.
11:50You never even send a card.
11:52Yeah, well, that was the past.
11:54I'm here now, so happy birthday.
11:56Is someone gonna get us a drink?
11:58Yeah, I can get that.
12:00Thanks.
12:02Mum, this is Mandy.
12:04Oh, all right, Mandy.
12:06Got a present, then?
12:08Oh, yeah. I've got you all presents.
12:10This is for Debbie.
12:14And this is for Carl.
12:16Oh, yeah.
12:18And this is for Liam.
12:20Where's Norma?
12:22I'm not gonna bring Norma, am I?
12:24Well, you usually do.
12:26She's your girlfriend.
12:28We're not joined at the hip, Debbie.
12:30Go on, then. Open your prezzies.
12:32Well, Mum.
12:34Well, it's our love.
12:36If you can cut the act now, Mum.
12:38Norma's stoned you out, hasn't she?
12:40Well, the boy can't help it.
12:42No.
12:44Oh, yeah?
12:46Then why is all your stuff outside?
12:48You've not come back for the next birthday at all.
12:50Not just that, no, Debbie.
12:52But Norma hasn't thrown me out.
12:54I've left her.
12:56I've come back.
12:58To be with my babies.
13:00For good.
13:02Debbie, we can't kick her out.
13:04It's still technically her house.
13:05Well, she can't just come back whenever she feels like it.
13:08Yeah, he's got astellar.
13:10No, no.
13:11I've left her.
13:13If I'm wrong, I've left her.
13:15I'm wrong, I'm wrong.
13:17I'm wrong.
13:18I'm wrong, I'm wrong.
13:20You've left my family?
13:23No!
13:25No, I'm wrong.
13:26I must've left my family.
13:28I've left her.
13:29I've left my kids.
13:31To be with my babies.
13:32like it. She hasn't even said sorry. Well, I'm glad she's back. She'll just take over
13:38and she won't pay her own way. Will you just tell her that? It's not a hotel. I can't,
13:43Debs. Look, you're just gonna have to ignore her. Hopefully she'll fuck off soon. I'm not
13:48gonna deny Katie a grandma. I'm sorry. Wicked! Oh, shit! Oops! Oh, no! Do it, Debs!
14:15Oh my God, no! Quick, you lot! Come and have a look at this! Wait! What's that? On the
14:27tally, look! Good evening. Kevin and Veronica Ball from Manchester were arrested in Bucharest
14:35yesterday after trying to buy a baby from a Romanian orphanage. Shit! Veronica! Stephanie
14:42Williams is with the Foreign Office official outside court in Bucharest, who's awaiting the
14:47couple's arrival. Can you tell us the situation regarding the English couple this morning?
14:52We at the Foreign Office are doing everything in our power to get the two British nationals
14:56extradited and we believe that every hope of success. Get off me! Get off me! Get off me! Get off me! Get off me! Get off me! Get off me! Get off me! Get off me! Get off me! Oh yeah! She didn't mean that!
15:08She didn't mean it for me!
15:09Come on V!
15:10Cruel!
15:11Oh yeah!
15:12She didn't mean that!
15:13Me!
15:14Yes!
15:15Hey we're innocent!
15:16Get off that!
15:17On the other hand, I think they could be looking at six years.
15:22He's my son!
15:23He's my son!
15:24We paid good money for him!
15:26Fucking hell Kev.
15:28Looks like the end of my money then.
15:31Hey, neither a lender nor a borrower of me, Jess.
15:36Is there any chance of getting a little drink?
15:39Oh my God, I don't believe it.
15:41Me own daughter, a criminal.
15:43Sue?
15:44You know what about this?
15:46They made me promise not to say.
15:49And what's happened to Marty?
15:51God, what have they done?
15:54And these are your neighbours?
15:57What now?
15:59Get me up!
16:06What the?
16:07What do you think you're doing?
16:09This is my daughter's house.
16:11Bit slow off the mark, aren't ya?
16:13You wanna get yourself Sky News?
16:15We heard about this house going at six o'clock this morning.
16:17What?
16:18Hey, you should be made up.
16:20Council could have had any riff-raff in here.
16:22Hey Paddy.
16:23What the?
16:24You can't do this!
16:26This is Kevin Veronica's store.
16:28Well, they're in fucking jail, darling.
16:30Look Paddy, you've got to start taking over the place.
16:32Oh yes?
16:33You tell him, Lip.
16:34Who's gonna stop me, Mr Tough Guy, ye?
16:36I'm Monica, Lip's mum.
16:38Cos the thing is,
16:39when my wee Mandy gets sick and tired of being cramped in there with you lot,
16:43she's got somewhere else to go.
16:45Handy.
16:46Casey's grandparents being right next door, isn't he?
16:49Blinding bit of luck.
16:51Oh, so that's what all this is about.
16:53You just wanna be here breathing down our necks.
16:55Watching as you feel.
16:57Looking after our own.
16:59Oh, the, um, leopard coat.
17:03Where is it?
17:04I haven't thrown that out yet.
17:06Oh, well.
17:07Wouldn't fit you, would it?
17:08Oh, well you can wear it then.
17:10On your face!
17:19Well, you're never out the bag these days.
17:21Yeah, well they said thyroid can let you go a bit.
17:23Come on, Jez.
17:24You're about to pop, I'm not that fit.
17:26Right.
17:27I'm not aware to anyone, or you're dead meat.
17:30And then, how long do you think you keep that a secret for?
17:34I've managed for seven months.
17:36Couple of tents upstairs.
17:38So you let her blow?
17:41Oh, fuck!
17:42The only thing that got spunk was a huge wad of cash.
17:45They're a nice couple, they can't have their own.
17:47Earn well they earn.
17:49Good bracket, this surrogacy business.
17:51Hey.
17:52Top tip.
17:53Free dental care.
17:55I might get my bridge done.
17:57You should start with your brain.
18:01Two more.
18:02Nearly there.
18:04What are you doing, you softie?
18:06Come on, come on.
18:10Nearly there.
18:11Nearly there.
18:12Forward, forward, forward, forward, forward.
18:14Stop.
18:22One more step.
18:24There we go.
18:28Ta-da!
18:29Oh, Paddy!
18:32I don't believe it.
18:37I thought we'd celebrate our new home in the stair.
18:39Ha-hah-hah-ha-hah!
18:40Ha-hah-hah-hah!
18:42Ha-hah-hah!
18:50You...
18:51You would not keep your clothes on.
18:53Straight on the floor and then slapping your nappies up against the wall.
18:58Oh!
18:59What was I like?
19:00Not that you were no trouble.
19:02No, it was Liam was the difficult one.
19:04Had terrible post-natal depression and...
19:07Well, your dad was no help. Just took all my pills.
19:11Left me in total misery.
19:13Oh, Debs, I'm hungry.
19:15We'll get Mum to make you some breakfast, then.
19:17It's no problem.
19:18Have to be veggie, though, cos I don't touch meat.
19:21I don't mind.
19:22Let's see what we've got.
19:24Morning, Mandy. Clip. Cup of tea?
19:27Yeah. Thanks.
19:29That's really sick bucket.
19:32I heard that, Debbie. Good.
19:38She's right, though, Mum. We deserve an explanation.
19:41Why are you back?
19:43Look, I know this is gonna take a little bit of time to work through and...
19:47You've had six years.
19:49And four mums.
19:53Look, this has been very difficult for me. Very traumatic.
19:56It's been torture for me, having to leave you lot and then...
19:59moving to Mostyn and rattling around inside that great big house
20:02when I was used to kids and mess and noise and...
20:06But anyway, if you love someone...
20:08you forgive them.
20:11Don't you?
20:13It's all right, Debbie. I know it might take you a little bit longer.
20:32Do you want to go shopping?
20:34Hello.
20:50And how is my little princess this morning?
20:54All the best for seeing you.
20:56Now, then.
21:04What do you think...
21:05to a full...
21:08mirrored...
21:09ceiling?
21:11Fabulous.
21:13As long as you're on top.
21:15Put your tea down.
21:18What the fuck do you want?
21:27You're supposed to be on a job!
21:30Breakfast.
21:31You're supposed to be on a job!
21:33Come on, come on, baby!
21:34Bowie!
21:38Don't you make a shifter friend though?
21:40It's half like me!
21:42Don't you?
21:43Don't you?
21:44Can we just kill her, Debbie?
21:46That'll get one of her.
21:48Yeah, lead pipe rope or candlestick.
21:50Keep an eye out.
21:51Debbie?
21:55Debbie?
21:58Debbie?
22:12Debbie?
22:17Debbie?
22:20Debbie?
22:22What are you doing?
22:27Well, for your information, Debbie, Norma isn't at home.
22:31She's actually driving a lorry to Germany,
22:34and she doesn't have a mobile.
22:36Thinks they make you infertile.
22:41Now, listen, love.
22:43I know you've been a bit funny with me,
22:45but really, we do have to learn to get along.
22:48How did Norma take it?
22:50You leaving?
22:52Well, naturally.
22:54She was very upset, but she's had to learn to accept it.
22:58What are you around about?
23:00Everything.
23:01She's always going on a...
23:03Actually, Debbie, I don't really want to get into it.
23:06It's very painful having to leave somebody.
23:10Just be thankful that you're too young to know.
23:15Right.
23:17I think I'd better ring a plumber.
23:19Good to see you made it to lips party, then.
23:25Last night.
23:28Mum managed.
23:29Oh, God!
23:33Take it off.
23:34Yeah, for good, apparently.
23:35She's come home.
23:40Monica.
23:45Back here?
23:46Oh!
23:47You can show her your wedding photos, Frank.
23:49Cos what I've heard of Kev,
23:50she'd be very interested in those,
23:52seeing she's still married to you.
23:54Yeah, yeah, all right.
23:55Just get her some other pint and a couple of these, Jasmine.
23:57You all right?
24:00All right.
24:03Oh, you got bleep.
24:04This is gonna be a quick one before shopping.
24:08Debbie, Debbie!
24:10Who the fuck does your mother want?
24:11I dunno, but she's up to some of...
24:14Jez,
24:15any chance I can use your CB radio?
24:21Breaker-breaker, this is Jackie Bird calling Big Beaver.
24:23Do you copy?
24:27Hey, hey, Joggy Bird, long time.
24:29Hey, you'll have to speak up.
24:30My ballet dancer's broken.
24:31Over.
24:32Some buddy boy blow your doors off, did her?
24:34Ha-ha.
24:35Ha-ha.
24:36Jez?
24:37Oh, Big Beaver.
24:38I've got an ankle battery that wants a yapper in your big hole.
24:40And...
24:41Norma, it's Debbie.
24:42Hey.
24:43No first personal breaker.
24:44They're reading all my mail here.
24:46Mum's back, and she said she's staying.
24:48Did you throw her out?
24:51Over.
24:53Did I fuck?
24:54She's gone nowhere, you cheeky little...
24:56Hey, you're making this up.
24:58My mum's a base station.
24:59Where I left her?
25:0010-4.
25:01Th-that's a negative, Big Beaver.
25:04Ankle bites her straight up.
25:05Your good buddy Beavers returned to the village of the damned and alligator radio.
25:09I think she needs you to fight for a Norma.
25:14I'll put some motion lotion in me pickle park.
25:17And stand on the hammer in me triple digit ride for the fastest ever flip flop.
25:21Out.
25:25She's coming home.
25:30Hey, what are you doing, you cheeky bastard?
25:32What?
25:33Mum, two o'clock.
25:34Have you seen your dad?
25:35Why do you want him?
25:36Don't matter, it'll keep.
25:37He'll be in soon enough.
25:38We'll just have to wait here, won't we, Katie?
25:39I know what you having.
25:40Erm, I'll have a juice.
25:41Pineapple.
25:42With a vodka in it, thanks.
25:43Double?
25:44Yeah.
25:45Why not?
25:46Ooh.
25:47Look at you.
25:48That's nice.
25:49Yeah, but we need to talk.
25:50And what's all this about?
25:51Eh?
25:52Unless you're not a man.
25:53I'll have a juice.
25:54Pineapple.
25:55With a vodka in it, thanks.
25:56Double?
25:57Yeah.
25:58Why not?
26:06Ooh.
26:07Look at you.
26:08That's nice.
26:09Yeah.
26:10But we need to talk.
26:12And what's all this about?
26:13Eh?
26:14Unless you've been a rock-the-bank, there's no way we can afford this.
26:19No, you're right.
26:20We can't.
26:23It's always been my fantasy to jack and man in a suit.
26:28Your birthday.
26:29Thanks.
26:41Sue!
26:42Sue!
26:43Can you fuck off downstairs for an hour?
26:45Fifteen minutes is enough.
26:47Who is he?
26:48Plumber.
26:49Oh, I need some comfort, Sue.
26:51My daughter's in prison.
26:52I'm a broken woman.
26:53You think sharing a room with Tutankhamen does deep throats make him my day?
26:57Why not?
26:58You stay too.
26:59Two.
27:00Oh!
27:07Here, this is where you keep your little stopcock.
27:16Up your ass!
27:18Marty!
27:19Oh, Marty!
27:20Thank God!
27:21I've got something for you.
27:22I've got something for you.
27:23Oh, my God.
27:24I'm not sorry.
27:27I'm sorry.
27:35I can't tell you what.
27:36I kept setting it up on the internet so we drove over but as soon as we handed the money to the
27:45orphanage owner we got raided. Shit. Veronica grabbed the baby and stuffed him in the car with
27:52me but the cops grabbed them. Veronica was yelling drive. Fuck off. Fucking drive. So I did.
27:59Drove off and left them. Fucking turncoat. You would have been nicked if you hadn't.
28:03I didn't know what to do. I was too scared to drive the car back so I hitched.
28:14Fuck it!
28:18Stolen baby!
28:27Fuck it!
28:33When did you last sleep, Marty?
28:37I don't know.
28:40Why haven't you stopped crying? I haven't hurt you, mother.
28:43So what are you going to do? Are you going to keep it?
28:45Of course not.
28:46I want to.
28:47Debbie!
28:51What's going on with all that crying?
28:53It's Katie. She doesn't like having strangers in the house.
28:56I am not a stranger, Debbie. And I do not appreciate you putting my cashmere jumper on a boil wash.
29:05Is that not what it goes on?
29:07I don't know how much longer I can put up with this, Debbie.
29:13He stopped crying. He likes you.
29:16No he doesn't.
29:17Yeah he does. Look.
29:18See?
29:22I want you to be his mum.
29:24Marty!
29:25You're being insane!
29:26Right, Frank?
29:51Monica!
29:53We've got some catching up to do.
29:56We'd have thought it, eh, Frank?
30:02Little lip, 19.
30:03You and me, grandparents.
30:05We don't seem old enough, do we?
30:08He's had it easy, though, hasn't he?
30:10I mean, kids these days, they don't know when they're born.
30:12When I was lip's age, I'd done time, got crabs,
30:16knocked up six girls, fought off bailiffs.
30:18Not many kids these days can say that, can they?
30:22Remember when we met, Frank?
30:251979.
30:252009, vip a year.
30:27They had you in four times.
30:29God, like it was yesterday.
30:31I thought you'd stood me up.
30:33I thought you weren't interested.
30:35Me?
30:35No, of course I was.
30:36Then I proposed to you, outside A-town dole office.
30:40Thought I was up the duff.
30:42Never thought you'd say yes.
30:43But you did.
30:45And we got married.
30:48So, have the kids said anything to you about, you know, er, Sheila and me?
30:55Sheila?
30:55Yeah.
30:56What sort of thing?
30:57I do.
31:00I never got the divorce news from Monica in the end, so it's not legal anyway.
31:06Anyway, er, I'd better go and get the twins.
31:10And Debbie, don't want to take advantage.
31:12Actually, Frank, I think I'll come with you.
31:15I'd like to see where you live properly.
31:17Yeah, but the thing is, come on, you know, it's, er, you know, Sheila, my girlfriend.
31:24She probably...
31:24Yeah, but she's away doing a cookery course, isn't she?
31:27Kids told me.
31:28Well, yeah, but she just probably wouldn't, in effect, but she...
31:32See you.
31:34Sir, please!
31:36We'd be a proper family.
31:38Oh, I don't know what that is, Marty.
31:40We don't know anything about looking after a baby.
31:42We could learn.
31:43And then there's the police, social services.
31:47Look, Kevin Veronica bought him.
31:50Someone else would.
31:52You could sell him.
31:53What?
31:53On eBay.
31:55All right, leave him at maternity.
31:57They'll take care of him.
31:58Oh, you've got me number, Powell.
32:03Oh, what a man.
32:05Big handsy heads, did you see?
32:07Oh, my saucy bugger.
32:10Oh, my God.
32:11Marty.
32:13Oh, thank the good Lord.
32:16I've been beside myself.
32:17You've no idea what you put me...
32:20Tell me you didn't bring that back.
32:22Yeah, you have.
32:23Your grandson.
32:25He's no grandson of mine.
32:28People will think I had foreign blood in me.
32:30He didn't seem to mind last night.
32:32He's from Basingstoke.
32:34Mum.
32:35I want to keep him.
32:36You'll help me, won't you?
32:37Marty Fisher, you can't even keep a job.
32:39She's no better.
32:40Marty, I'm not getting involved.
32:42She's right.
32:43I'm sorry, Marty, but for once, me and your mum agree.
32:49Sorry, Billy.
32:54Norma!
32:54Someone to see you, Mum!
33:01Norma!
33:05Oh, well, I'll...
33:07What do you think you're doing?
33:09What's all this about, leaving me?
33:12Dad, twins.
33:13What are you doing here?
33:14Well, Debbie got us on the CB.
33:16Well, obviously...
33:16I told you not to interfere.
33:18Hey, well, it's a good job she did.
33:20You've lost your bloody marbles.
33:21You have.
33:21Hey, is this about that lazy-eyed shelf-stacker?
33:27You what?
33:28The one you was flirting with in Iceland.
33:30She was helping me reach the Raspberry Ripple,
33:33which is more than you were doing.
33:35I've told you, that crap is full of E-numbers.
33:38I don't care.
33:39I wanted it.
33:41I'm not a child, Norma.
33:42I can decide for myself what I want.
33:45All right, all right.
33:46Well, get your fucking Raspberry Ripple
33:48and all the other shite you've been banging on about.
33:50Don't blame me when you get polycystic ovaries.
33:55Right, now, get your bag, you daft-bent, and how are you home?
34:00I'm not coming home, Norma.
34:03I'm staying with my family.
34:07What?
34:08I meant it.
34:09God's spoken to me, sort of.
34:12I've had an epiphany.
34:14No, Norma, don't listen.
34:16She'll get you whatever you want.
34:18Won't you, Norma?
34:20You can't stay here anyway.
34:22It's too cramped.
34:23And we don't want you here.
34:25Oh, that's right!
34:27Hate me!
34:28What a fucking mistake!
34:31I'm such a bad mother, aren't I?
34:33Such a bad fucking person!
34:35Hey, it's all right.
34:36Calm down.
34:37How can I, when she hates me and she runs circles round me so I can't think straight.
34:43She doesn't hate you, Mum.
34:45None of us do.
34:46I don't understand what this is about.
34:48Which one of you did this?
34:50I'll fucking have you!
34:51Oh, for Christ's sake, Norma!
34:53Nothing I do is ever good enough!
34:59And it's so hard.
35:01Being gay.
35:04You don't know how hard it is, Ian.
35:06It's the right thing to do, Marty.
35:23On the way home, he kept shaking.
35:33They all do it in the orphanage.
35:38It's what they do when they've never had any love.
35:40They hit it!
35:51Open up in there.
35:52It's the police.
35:53Oh, I'm not parked in a double yellow, am I?
35:55We're looking for Marty Fisher.
35:57Quiet it!
36:04Stan, what can we do for you?
36:06PC Waterman to you, and don't you forget it.
36:08You what?
36:09PC Waterman.
36:10And this is my new PC, Tom O'Leary.
36:13Well, where is he then?
36:14Oh, I've not seen either of them for weeks, Stan.
36:16I'm out of me mind.
36:17Yeah, well, we've been tipped off that he's here with a stolen baby, so...
36:20What?
36:21We've had a call from Monica.
36:23Where is Monica?
36:24No, Stan!
36:26Sorry, PC Waterman.
36:27No, that I won't.
36:30Stay here.
36:31I'm gonna get one.
36:32Off the premises, if you don't mind.
36:35You fucking tipped off the police?
36:45What are you talking about?
36:48I didn't even know there was a baby here!
36:51Debbie, tell me you didn't.
36:55No, she won't.
36:56Would you, Debs?
37:00I thought if I pretended to be a baby...
37:02What the fuck are you playing at?
37:04How could you do that?
37:06Why do you think?
37:08Because she is a bitch that abandoned us!
37:10Well, you don't seem to care about that!
37:13She's gonna do it again!
37:14I thought...
37:17If you thought he was her, then you might make a leave!
37:24Well, don't look at me!
37:25It's not my fault!
37:27Marty, you'll have to get out of here.
37:28Take him to maternity.
37:30I'll meet you later.
37:30Debbie!
37:35Debbie?
37:35Debbie?
37:40I'm sorry, Martin.
37:42You're my friend.
37:43I know I've done something horrible.
37:46It's okay.
37:49It's okay.
37:53I know you didn't mean it.
37:54Fucking bitch!
37:58It'll be alright.
38:00Marty, you're gonna have to call me.
38:06It'll be alright.
38:10Marty?
38:13Don't abandon him.
38:16Please.
38:18Marty, come on.
38:19Stan will be back any minute.
38:27Oh, my children!
38:30Why is God punishing me?
38:33It's alright, Carol.
38:34We're not gonna throw you out
38:35just because the rest of your family's gone.
38:36See you later.
38:44See you later.
38:47Got you!
38:49Stop you, the wallet's out there.
38:50Marty!
38:51Marty!
38:52Hey!
38:57Romanian coppers are on their way.
39:01But it's not the baby they want.
39:03Pants on fire!
39:04Oh!
39:05Oh!
39:06For people's sake!
39:07Is there not a WPC in here anywhere?
39:10Who are you?
39:12I'm the baby's mother.
39:14Can I have him, please, Stan?
39:15What are you talking about?
39:16PC Waterman.
39:17Yeah, PC.
39:18But you haven't got a baby, Sue.
39:19What's this, then?
39:20Blow up monkey?
39:21Hello.
39:22Oh, come here.
39:24He's hungry.
39:25He wants his mummy.
39:28Is she lying?
39:29She's lying, isn't she?
39:31If that's your baby, then where's its birth certificate?
39:36Here.
39:37Oh.
39:38Sorry.
39:39You don't think I'd do this if he wasn't mine, do you?
39:44Look at it!
39:45Now, look, Sue, we know that baby's stolen, so...
39:48No, he's not.
39:49And even if he was, he's an orphan, so you can't send him back.
39:53I didn't know he was an orphan.
39:55That's not the point, PC O'Leary.
39:57But it is.
39:58I know what that's like.
40:01I never even knew me, Mum and Dad.
40:03It's fucking awful.
40:05We can't send him back.
40:07Please, Dan.
40:08Piss in your teeth!
40:09Save the baby.
40:21Well, it looks like we must have made a terrible mistake, then.
40:26So, are we really gonna keep him, then?
40:27We have to do it properly, though, Marty.
40:29I'm not living with your mum.
40:30Fly!
40:31I'm gonna need the proper stuff.
40:32I'm not slumming it.
40:33We'll need a three-wheel baby bucket, have a car seat.
40:34We have to get a car first.
40:35A nice one.
40:36And I was thinking maybe we could adopt another one.
40:37Okay.
40:38Well, child benefits, £70 a month per child.
40:39So, ooh...
40:40What's the matter?
40:41Nothing.
40:42Just a bit of morning sickness.
40:43The next day, Steve, Sophie, of course.
40:44I don't know.
40:45I've been telling you that I'm gonna do you know what you're saying,
40:58I'm gonna be telling you...
40:59What?
41:00You're gonna be telling me, you're gonna be getting a dog.
41:03Piss in your head.
41:04I've been telling you.
41:05I've been telling you, you know, too.
41:06What do you think? So, if we had four, that would be two hundred and eighty.
41:10That'd kick me.
41:11What?
41:11If we had six, that would be oh, seven hundred and three.
41:13No, I'm saying about what you said before.
41:14Morning sickness.
41:15Oh.
41:16Does that mean this phone works?
41:18I don't believe it.
41:20Marty!
41:26What you doing with her? Get out.
41:28She's just brought her back lip. She's had her for the afternoon.
41:31She's my granddaughter, you can't stop me from seeing her.
41:34You'd break me heart, I'm begging you.
41:36It's not her fault you had a row with Paddy, is he?
41:38Don't punish her for it.
41:40Three visits a week, that's all I want.
41:43You don't interfere though.
41:45What?
41:46Hey!
41:47What's the matter?
41:49What the fuck is that?
41:51Sweet, isn't he?
41:53Aww!
41:59I didn't tell her she could do it.
42:01What?
42:02What?
42:03What?
42:04What?
42:05What?
42:06What?
42:11Sorry about that little interruption.
42:14Oh dear.
42:16Oh yeah, it's just some kid, you know, drew something to me with a letterbox.
42:21Cunt.
42:22No they didn't.
42:23You set fire to your dinner.
42:25No!
42:26They told me at the hospital.
42:28They couldn't get hold of your wife, Sheila Gallagher.
42:32So they had to get hold of your ex.
42:35How do you think that made me feel, knowing that I'm still married to you?
42:39I want you back, Frank.
42:41I want you back, Frank.
42:43Just...
42:44That's why I'm here.
42:45I want me old life back.
42:46Alright, just...
42:47Let me just...
42:48Des-desist with you.
42:51Hello?
42:52Hiya, love.
42:53Oh, hiya, Sheila.
42:56Is there something wrong?
42:58What?
42:59You don't sound yourself.
43:00No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.
43:02Nothing's happened, has it?
43:04Around here?
43:05Must be joking, aren't you?
43:06Same old, same old, innit?
43:07Guess what happened?
43:08Hey, hey, hey, hey.
43:10What?
43:11What?
43:12No, we're not...
43:13What?
43:14Is there someone there?
43:16What?
43:17No, no, it's just...
43:18No, it's just soap on the telly.
43:21I dropped the phone.
43:22Oh, it's about time already.
43:24My cinnamon swirls will be burnt.
43:26Yeah, sure.
43:28Yeah, so, when is it that you're coming back?
43:32Tomorrow, love.
43:34Tomorrow?
43:35It's Monday.
43:36Is it?
43:38It's Monday.
43:43Look, Debs.
43:46We want you to decide if Mum stays or not.
43:51Just say the word...
43:53that she's gone.
43:55And you'll go?
43:56If I tell you to?
44:08I need to get the dinner room.
44:21I need to get the dinner room.
44:34I'm a fuck.
44:35He might have come over all Stepford-wise, but I'm not.
44:48So you're off then, are you?
45:00I'm a fuck.
45:02You might have come over all Stepford-wise,
45:03but I'm not falling for it.
45:05I'm stopping right here
45:06till you come to your senses.
45:08Right where I can see you.
45:12How?
45:13Squatter's rights!
45:15European rules!
45:18Surprises come in lots of different shapes and sizes.
45:30There's the good ones,
45:32like finding out you've passed your maths exam,
45:34even though the calculator ran out three seconds
45:36after you started the test,
45:37and finding a pound down the back of the sofa.
45:40And then there's the bad ones,
45:42like being called to casualty
45:43because your youngest brother's allergic to the trifle you just made him,
45:46or discovering that the rash you finally thought had gone
45:49has come back double and it's not going away,
45:52no matter how hard you scratch it.
45:55And realising that it's not a rash,
45:56it's an infection, or worse, a melanoma.
45:59You can try and ignore it,
46:01but someday soon,
46:02it's going to jump up and bite you.
46:09Monica!
46:10Sheila!
46:11I've got very big breasts.
46:13And it's everyone's fantasy.
46:14Lesbianism.
46:16Jamie!
46:16Oh, my angel,
46:17you've come back to me.
46:19It's Jamie McGuire,
46:20a big tent for murder.
46:23I've only ever wanted one,
46:24woman.
46:25That's normal.
46:26Do you still want me, Frank?
46:27Oh, yes,
46:28you do.
46:29Do you still want me, Frank?
46:59Good night, Carl.
47:13Good night, Mum.
47:15Good night, Ian.
47:16Good night, Mum.
47:18Good night, Debbie.
47:24Good night, Philip.
47:26He can't hear you.
47:27He's in the next house.
47:30Good night, Liam.
47:31Will you lot shut the fuck up
47:34and go to fucking sleep
47:35before I crown the lot of you?
47:37God bless you.
47:37See you next time.
47:39Bye.
47:40Bye.
47:40Bye.
47:41Bye.
47:42Bye.
47:44Bye.