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00:00Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
00:04Applause
00:25Good evening, I'm Tina Fey.
00:27And I'm Amy Poehler.
00:29Welcome everyone to the 70th annual Golden Globe Awards.
00:33Yes! Yes!
00:35Applause
00:39Those of you at home, I wish you could feel the excitement in this room.
00:42You can smell the pills from here.
00:45Laughter
00:47Tonight we honor the television shows that have entertained us all year,
00:50as well as the films that have only been in theaters for two days.
00:53Laughter
00:55Do you know what makes tonight so special?
00:57Only at the Golden Globes do the beautiful people of film
00:59rub shoulders with the rat-faced people of television.
01:02Laughter
01:04Speaking of, Tina and I are also both nominees tonight.
01:09And thank you.
01:11Applause
01:14And Tina, I just want to say that I very much hope that I win.
01:19Thank you. You're my nemesis. Thank you.
01:22Laughter
01:24Ricky Gervais could not be here tonight because he is no longer technically in show business.
01:29Laughter
01:32We want to assure you that we have no intention of being edgy or offensive tonight
01:36because as Ricky learned the hard way,
01:38when you run afoul of the Hollywood foreign press,
01:41they make you host this show two more times.
01:43Laughter
01:46Oh my gosh, it was a great year for women.
01:48It was a great year for women in television.
01:50Lena Dunham is a double nominee tonight.
01:52Applause
01:57Lena, we love your show. We are such fans.
01:59But if they are forcing you to do all that nudity, you have to tell us.
02:03Okay? Just give us some kind of signal and we will call child services.
02:06Laughter
02:08Or something.
02:10It was a great year for film.
02:12Women in film, Kathryn Bigelow, nominated tonight.
02:14Applause
02:20I haven't really been following the controversy over Zero Dark Thirty,
02:24but when it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron.
02:28Laughter
02:41Of course, um...
02:43Laughter
02:47Of course, we want to thank our hosts tonight, the HFPA, for having us.
02:51Amy, tell the people a little bit about the HFPA.
02:54Yes, Tina. Well, when left untreated, HFPA can lead to cervical cancer.
02:59However, there is a vaccination...
03:01No, no, that's... Amy, that's HPV.
03:02Oh, I'm sorry. Of course.
03:03The HFPA is the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.
03:06And when left untreated...
03:08No, I...
03:09She's kidding. There is no known cure for the Hollywood Foreign Press.
03:13Laughter
03:14Look at all these gorgeous movie stars here tonight.
03:17Ben Affleck is here tonight.
03:18Yes.
03:19He played for Argo.
03:20Applause
03:24Ben's first two movies took place in Boston,
03:27but he moved this one to Iran because he wanted to film somewhere that was friendlier to outsiders.
03:32Laughter
03:34Hi, Ben.
03:35Hi.
03:36Hi, how are you?
03:37You're doing good, huh?
03:38I'm from Boston, too, so you're looking great. Good for you.
03:41Laughter
03:43You're not better than me.
03:44Laughter
03:48The beautiful Anne Hathaway is here tonight.
03:51Applause
03:57Anne Hathaway, you gave a stunning performance in Les Miserables.
04:01I have not seen someone so totally alone and abandoned like that
04:07since you were on stage with James Franco at the Oscars.
04:10Laughter
04:16You know, Anne shot her big Les Mis song all in one tight close-up,
04:21and she said that it was really difficult performing with a camera so close to her face.
04:26Well, she's never going to make it in porn.
04:28Laughter
04:30I don't think she has any plans to do porn, Amy.
04:33None of us have plans to do porn.
04:36Laughter
04:39Fair enough.
04:42The Hunger Games was one of the biggest films of the year,
04:45and also what I call the six weeks it took me to get into this dress.
04:49Ang Lee's been nominated for Best Director for The Life of Pi,
04:53which is what I'm going to call the six weeks after I take this dress off.
04:56Laughter
04:59Okay.
05:01Woo, exhausting.
05:04Who else is here?
05:06Jennifer Lawrence is here, the star of Silver Linings Playbook.
05:09Applause
05:14Quentin Tarantino is here, the star of All My Sexual Nightmares.
05:17Laughter
05:23Meryl Streep is not here tonight.
05:25She has the flu, and I hear she's amazing in it.
05:28Laughter
05:30So amazing.
05:32She steals it. She steals the flu.
05:34Yes, she is.
05:36Mandy Patinkin from TV's Homeland is here.
05:39Applause
05:45I like Homeland, but I don't think it's as good as that other show previously on Homeland.
05:50That thing is action-packed.
05:52Laughter
05:53Now, you know, Mandy Patinkin is a star of Homeland,
05:56but he's also a treasure of the American musical theater.
05:59And if I were in charge of this show, which I have been told repeatedly I'm not,
06:03after every clip of Les Miserables, I would cut to Mandy Patinkin,
06:07because he knows if it's good singing or bad,
06:10and he won't be able to hide it in his face.
06:13Watch. We'll prove it.
06:15Singing
06:25Mandy Patinkin, did you like it?
06:27Did you like it?
06:28Incredible.
06:29Laughter
06:31Don't lie to me, Mandy. Don't lie to me.
06:34Julianne Moore is here tonight, nominated for playing Sarah Palin in Game Change.
06:38Applause
06:43Me too. I used to win prizes for that too.
06:46And you know, I think if Governor Palin were here tonight,
06:49she'd say, you betcha.
06:52Nope, I lost it.
06:55You betcha.
06:56No, I can't do it anymore.
06:58Maybe it's for the best.
06:59Maybe for the best.
07:01But enough silliness.
07:03Daniel Day-Lewis is here.
07:05Applause
07:10Yes.
07:12His performance in Lincoln is so amazing.
07:15He is so method. He really disappears into his character.
07:18Did you know that Lincoln was not the first role Daniel Day-Lewis played in a Steven Spielberg film?
07:23What else did he play?
07:24E.T.
07:25Laughter
07:26No, he was E.T.?
07:27Yes.
07:28Young Daniel Day-Lewis was E.T.
07:30Laughter
07:32Do the finger. Do the E.T. finger.
07:34Laughter
07:35There it is. Amazing. Amazing.
07:37Applause
07:38That's why he's the best.
07:40That's amazing. Amazing.
07:41Alright, let's get this thing started.
07:43We're going to keep this moving and we promise we will wrap up by 11, 11 dark 30 at the latest.
07:47Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome from Silver Linings Playbook, Bradley Cooper and from The Reluctant Fundamentalist, Kate Hudson.
07:53Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
07:57Applause
08:13Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler.
08:15And I'm Tina Fey.
08:16Welcome to the 71st annual Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's Lee Daniels the Butler Golden Globe Awards.
08:24Applause
08:26Applause
08:28A very good evening to everyone here in the room and to all the women and gay men watching at home.
08:34Laughter
08:36We are so happy to be back.
08:38We are hosting the Golden Globes for our second time.
08:43Applause
08:46Because this is Hollywood and if something kind of works, they'll just keep doing it until everybody hates it.
08:51Laughter
08:53Congratulations to all the wonderful actors nominated tonight from the amazing Chiwetel Ejiofor to the stunning Lupita Nyong'o to American treasure Tam Honks.
09:04Laughter
09:06Damn it. I knew I was going to screw that up.
09:08Laughter
09:12Folks at home, you would not believe the high wattage mega A-list stars we are looking at right now.
09:20I mean, no offense to the movies and nominees last year, but this year is legit.
09:26This one's good.
09:27This year is good. This goes right to the top.
09:29Yeah, we got Bradley Cooper, Julia Roberts, Emma Roberts, Leonardo DiCaprio, Meryl Streep.
09:34Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about Redford?
09:36Right.
09:37Are you kidding me?
09:38Applause
09:41It goes Amy Adams, Sandra Bullock, Tom Hanks, Redford, June Squibb, and then like Mr. Bean for international stuff.
09:53Well, if we're going to play by European rules, it's everyone in this room and then Jean-Claude Van Damme.
09:59Laughter
10:01The point is there are so many stars in this room tonight, it's hard not to be overwhelmed.
10:05Yes, Matt Damon is here from behind the candelabra.
10:08Where are you, Matt?
10:09Applause
10:15Matt, on any other night in any other room, you would be a big deal.
10:19But tonight, and don't take this the wrong way, you're basically a garbage person.
10:23Laughter
10:26I mean, Meryl Streep, okay, is here.
10:31Applause
10:36Meryl Streep, so brilliant in August Osage County, proving that there are still great parts in Hollywood for Meryl Streep's over 60.
10:45Laughter
10:50Martin Scorsese is here.
10:52Applause
10:58Marty, I forgot to tell you that Bobby says hi, and Bobby also, the other Bobby.
11:02Bobby and Bobby say hi, and Danny. Danny and Bobby and Bobby say hi.
11:05Danny wants me to say hi to you, Marty, and Bobby and Bobby as well.
11:08Laughter
11:12Bradley Cooper is here, star of American Hustle.
11:14Applause
11:20Interesting trivia, the original title of that movie was Explosion at the Wig Factory.
11:25Laughter
11:30Who else?
11:32Who else is here?
11:34Oh, Amy Poehler is nominated for her work on Parks and Recreation.
11:37Applause
11:42I believe Amy is here tonight. Can we get a shot of her?
11:45She looks fantastic. She looks amazing.
11:49Wow, radiant. It is hard to believe she's a 42-year-old mother of two.
11:54I hear Amy is a little difficult to work with.
11:56Oh, yeah, she's a straight-up bitch.
11:58Laughter
11:59Our friend Julia Louis-Dreyfus has two nominations tonight.
12:02Applause
12:05One for Veep and for her first film nomination for Enough Said.
12:08Interestingly, Julia has chosen to sit in the film section tonight.
12:13Huh. Huh.
12:14Hi, Julia.
12:16Hi, Julia.
12:17Hi, Julia. You know us from TV.
12:21Hi.
12:29Hi.
12:30Julia.
12:31Julia.
12:32Applause
12:36She has really changed.
12:38She's gross.
12:39Woody Allen is the recipient of this year's Cecil B. DeMille Award,
12:43just a few years after Martin Scorsese won it.
12:46I assume the award is for Tiniest Man with the Biggest Glasses.
12:50Laughter
12:55Gravity is nominated for Best Film.
12:58Applause
13:01It's the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die
13:06than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.
13:09Laughter
13:11Applause
13:25Before earning a Golden Globe nomination for his first ever acting role in Captain Phillips,
13:31Barkhad Abdi was working as a limousine driver in Minnesota.
13:35Applause
13:38And, um, there's such a beautiful life lesson here, everyone.
13:42Sleep with your limo driver tonight before he gets famous.
13:47Laughter
13:52One of my favorite films this year is the movie Her, which, uh, yes.
13:56Applause
13:59Which takes place, takes place in the not so distant future,
14:02which is perfect because so does Joaquin Phoenix.
14:05Laughter
14:09Uh, Tina, I was in that movie, too. I was the voice of the computer.
14:14No, Amy, that was Scarlett Johansson.
14:16Was it?
14:17It was.
14:18Laughter
14:20If you say so.
14:21Laughter
14:23Matthew McConaughey did amazing work this year.
14:26Applause
14:33For his role in Dallas Buyers Club, he lost 45 pounds,
14:37or what actresses call being in a movie.
14:40Laughter
14:42Applause
14:47The Wolf of Wall Street is a big nominee tonight, and yes.
14:51Applause
14:54I really loved the film, but some of it was too graphic.
14:57I mean, if I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party,
15:01I'd go to one of Jonah Hill's pool parties.
15:04Laughter
15:08Jonah Hill actually used a prosthetic penis in The Wolf of Wall Street,
15:13so you have that to look forward to next time you eat at Planet Hollywood.
15:17Laughter
15:19You know, a number of big movies used prosthetic genitals this year.
15:22Yes.
15:23Blue is the warmest color, The Wolf of Wall Street, Saving Mr. Banks.
15:27Yes, a lot of people don't know it.
15:28Tom Hanks was wearing one the entire time.
15:30He's wearing one right now, actually.
15:31He's really enjoying it.
15:32Look at him.
15:33He loves it.
15:34Look at him.
15:35He's so happy about it.
15:37The Wolf of Wall Street shocked viewers by using the F-word 506 times in three hours,
15:44which is a new record, unless you count my dad trying to hang some curtain rods in our living room.
15:49Laughter
15:50One of the most nominated films this year is 12 Years a Slave.
15:53Applause
15:59I loved 12 Years a Slave, and I can honestly say that after seeing that film,
16:04I will never look at slavery the same way again.
16:07Laughter
16:08Wait, how were you looking at it?
16:09And what a year for television.
16:11Laughter
16:12A lot of nominated shows tonight are actually on Netflix this year.
16:15Netflix, big deal.
16:16House of Cards, Orange is the New Black.
16:19Yes.
16:20Yes.
16:21Applause
16:24Enjoy it while it lasts, Netflix,
16:26because you're not going to be feeling so smug in a couple of years
16:28when Snapchat is up here accepting best drama.
16:31Laughter
16:34The beautiful Kerry Washington is here.
16:36Applause
16:38She's expecting her first child later this year.
16:43Oh, my God.
16:44Is it President Fitz's?
16:45Probably.
16:46I thought Amanda was carrying his baby.
16:48Scandal.
16:49Laughter
16:53Many of our SNL friends did great work this year.
16:56Will Forte, Andy Samberg.
16:58Applause
17:01You might know Andy from his hit song, I'm on a Boat,
17:05which this year was adapted into the Tom Hanks film, Captain Phillips.
17:08Laughter
17:11Masters of Sex is the degree I got from Boston College.
17:15Laughter
17:19The Blacklist is who is invited to my room tonight.
17:22Laughter
17:24Talking to you, Somali pirates.
17:25Laughter
17:27I am the captain now.
17:28Laughter
17:30I am the captain now.
17:31Okay.
17:32Applause
17:33So let's get this party started.
17:35Ladies, kick off your shoes.
17:36Gentlemen, try them on and see how horrible they are.
17:39We're going to get this show done in three hours,
17:41or as Martin Scorsese calls it, act one.
17:43Laughter
17:46Please welcome two Golden Globe winners and nominees tonight,
17:49Sandra Bullock and Tam Hanks.
17:51Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
17:56Applause
18:12Good evening, good evening.
18:13And welcome, you bunch of despicable, spoiled, minimally talented brats.
18:19Laughter
18:20Yes.
18:21Applause
18:22We are so happy to be here hosting the 72nd and final Golden Globe Awards.
18:28Laughter
18:29We got it.
18:30Tonight we celebrate all the great television shows that we know and love,
18:33as well as all the movies that North Korea was okay with.
18:37Laughter
18:40That's right, the biggest story in Hollywood this year
18:43was when North Korea threatened an attack if Sony Pictures released the interview,
18:48forcing us all to pretend we wanted to see it.
18:52Laughter
18:55North Korea referred to the interview as absolutely intolerable
18:59and a wanton act of terror.
19:02Even more amazing, not the worst review the movie got.
19:05Laughter
19:06So who's here tonight, Tina? So many great stars.
19:09So many good stars. Oprah is here.
19:11Woo!
19:12Yes.
19:13Applause
19:14She has put a cranberry candle under all of your seats.
19:19Laughter
19:20Reese Witherspoon is here, so great in the movie Wild.
19:23Applause
19:25Yes.
19:26Applause
19:27She did all of her own walking, so brave.
19:30Laughter
19:31And Andy Serkis was great as your backpack.
19:34Laughter
19:37J.K. Simmons is here, or as Matthew McConaughey calls him,
19:40just keep Simmons.
19:42Laughter
19:44Christoph Waltz and Amy Adams are here, they were so great in Big Eyes.
19:48Oh, in fact, yes they were, and in fact,
19:50one of those famous Big Eye paintings is on display tonight.
19:54Let's check it out.
19:56Oh.
19:57Laughter
19:59So lifelike.
20:01Yeah.
20:02It's like, it's cute, but it's creepy.
20:04Yeah, the eyes do follow you.
20:06No.
20:08Patricia Arquette is here, so wonderful.
20:11Applause
20:14So, so wonderful in the film Boyhood.
20:17Boyhood proves that there are still great roles for women over 40,
20:20as long as you get hired when you're under 40.
20:23Laughter
20:27Joaquin Phoenix is nominated for Inherent Vice,
20:30but obviously he isn't here tonight,
20:32because he has said publicly that award shows are, quote,
20:35total and utter bullshit.
20:37Oh, hey, Joaquin, there he is.
20:39Laughter
20:40Applause
20:45Steve Carell is here tonight for Foxcatcher.
20:48Applause
20:54In Foxcatcher, Steve Carell plays a paranoid, murderous billionaire,
20:58and the role was a stretch for Carell,
21:00who in real life is a paranoid, murderous millionaire.
21:03Laughter
21:10Steve Carell's Foxcatcher look took two hours to put on,
21:14including his hairstyling and makeup.
21:16Just for comparison, it took me three hours today
21:19to prepare for my role as human woman.
21:22Laughter
21:26Frances McDormand is here for Olive Kidd.
21:29Applause
21:33Frances, can I just say, I love you.
21:36You are the only person in this room that I would save in a fire.
21:39Laughter
21:43Julia Louis-Dreyfus is here, because she's obsessed with me.
21:46Applause
21:49We're not friends.
21:52We're not friends.
21:54Jennifer Aniston is here tonight, nominated for the film Cake.
21:57Applause
22:02And we should explain to all the people in the room,
22:05the Hollywood people, cake is like a fluffy dessert
22:10that people eat on their birthdays.
22:13Oh, and birthdays are like a thing people celebrate
22:16when they admit that they have aged.
22:19You know what else is weird?
22:21So many British actors played Americans this year.
22:23Yes, and I for one don't mind it.
22:25I love the sound of a British actor doing an American accent.
22:28I like when they talk like this.
22:30I can't tell that they're British
22:33when they are speaking in our movie parts.
22:36Laughter
22:38Wes Anderson is here tonight for the film Grand Budapest Hotel.
22:41Applause
22:48Her usual, Wes arrived on a bicycle made of antique tuba parts.
22:52Laughter
22:57George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year.
23:01Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case,
23:05was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria,
23:08and was selected for a three-person UN commission
23:11investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza Strip.
23:14So tonight, her husband is getting a Lifetime Achievement Award.
23:19Laughter
23:22Applause
23:25So stupid.
23:27Applause
23:32Hollywood, Hollywood.
23:34Of course, George Clooney is here
23:36to receive the prestigious Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award,
23:39or is he?
23:41I don't know.
23:42You've been pranking a lot of people for 25 years.
23:45Who knows, maybe you're about to get Cecil B. DeBurnt.
23:48Laughter
23:50Anyway, since this is the last time that we are hosting,
23:54Tina and I wanted to very quickly play one of our favorite games.
23:58Yes, and Amy and I have been friends for almost 50 years,
24:01and the secret of our long-lasting friendship
24:04is that we have absolutely no overlap in our taste in men.
24:07No, we never think the same man is attractive,
24:09and we'll prove it right now by doing what you're all doing at home,
24:13playing a game of Who Would You Rather?
24:15Yes, real quick.
24:16So real quick, real quick.
24:17Okay, would you rather Colin Farrell or Colin Firth?
24:21Okay, Farrell all day.
24:24Firth for a polite amount of time.
24:26Laughter
24:30Okay, Tina, next.
24:32Ed Norton or Mark Ruffalo?
24:34Oh, which one was the Hulk?
24:37Both of them.
24:38Shoot.
24:40Okay, I'll take Norton because he's method,
24:42and he could act like he was into it.
24:43Okay.
24:44I'll take Mark because everybody knows I like a Ruffalo.
24:47Okay.
24:48Let's see.
24:49Okay.
24:51Chris Pine or...
24:52Chris Pine.
24:53Okay.
24:54I'm sorry, was that too loud?
24:55Was that too loud?
24:57Okay.
24:58Moving on.
24:59Richard Linklater or Alejandro Iñárritu?
25:02I'm going to say Iñárritu.
25:05One take, two hours straight, no stopping.
25:08Now, see.
25:10Linklater, five minutes once a year.
25:12Laughter
25:15We never agree.
25:16We never agree.
25:17We never agree.
25:18But, you know what, let's talk about these great movies.
25:21Yes.
25:22The Theory of Everything, wonderful movie this year.
25:25Yes.
25:28It combines the two things that audiences love,
25:31a crippling nerve disease and super complicated math.
25:35Selma.
25:37In the 1960s, thousands of black people from all over America
25:40came together with one common goal,
25:43to form Sly and the Family Stone.
25:46But the movie Selma is about the American civil rights movement
25:49that totally worked and now everything's fine.
25:52Laughter
25:56Gone Girl was a real big hit this year.
25:58Yeah, Gone Girl.
25:59I don't know, Tina, I didn't like Gone Girl.
26:02I go to the movies to escape.
26:04I don't want to just see myself up there on the screen.
26:07Laughter
26:08You know, Tyler Perry was so good in Gone Girl
26:11that he has actually been asked to write and direct a sequel called
26:14Girl, I Thought You Were Gone.
26:16Laughter
26:20Into the Woods stars Meryl Streep.
26:23Applause
26:26Meryl...
26:28Meryl plays a witch who sends the townspeople on a magical quest
26:32to collect the items she needs to win another Golden Globe.
26:35Laughter
26:37Amy, have you ever done any Sondheim?
26:39No, I haven't, but I could.
26:42Anybody can.
26:44Into the Woods.
26:46It's a weird word to sing, I'm not going to lie to you.
26:48In Into the Woods, Cinderella runs from her prince,
26:52Rapunzel is thrown from a tower for her prince,
26:55and Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby.
26:59Laughter
27:00You know, actually, um...
27:02Applause
27:04I don't know if, uh...
27:06I don't know if you guys saw this on the news today,
27:08but Bill Cosby has finally spoken out about the allegations against him.
27:12Cosby admitted to a reporter,
27:14I put the pills in the people!
27:16Laughter
27:17The people did not want the pills in them!
27:20No, Tina, that, hey, that's not right.
27:24That's not right.
27:26It's more like,
27:28I got the pills in the bathrobe,
27:30but I put them in the people!
27:32You're right, it's gotta be like,
27:34I put the pills in the hoagie!
27:36Yeah, that's it, that's it, that's fair.
27:38That seems fair.
27:39But finally, Tina,
27:41let's talk about television.
27:44Oh, I'm being told that we are running out of time.
27:47Our apologies, television.
27:49You got buns.
27:50No, sorry.
27:51Come back tomorrow.
27:52Okay, so let's get started.
27:53Are you guys ready to have some fun tonight?
27:56Applause
28:02When we say movies, you say awesome movies!
28:06Awesome movies!
28:08When we say TV, you say better TV!
28:11TV!
28:13All right, who wants to present the first award?
28:15All right, whoever raises his hand gets to present with Jennifer Aniston.
28:18Who wants it?
28:19Yes!
28:20Yes!
28:21Cumberbatch!
28:22Cumberbatch!
28:23Applause
28:26As a professional volleyball player,
28:28battling restless leg syndrome,
28:30Damien Francisco,
28:32and dog president.
28:34Applause
28:39Wow.
28:40What an exciting special guest.
28:42That was Hillary Clinton's husband.
28:46Oh, my God.
28:47That was exciting.
28:49That was exciting.
28:51Applause
28:56Well, we are happy to...
28:58Oh, that was Bill Clinton.
28:59That was.
29:00It was Bill Rodham Clinton.
29:01That's right.
29:02I'm kind of embarrassed I didn't make my quick change.
29:06No one can tell.
29:08Okay, great.
29:09Now, for our next award, ladies and gentlemen,
29:12please welcome members of our SNL family,
29:14Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig.
29:17Applause
29:18Well, the show is really taking a turn.
29:21Yes.
29:22Time to start drinking.
29:24Everybody's getting a little loose now that we're all losers.
29:27Yeah.
29:28Congratulations, Lena.
29:29I'm glad we got you through middle school.
29:31Laughter
29:36Middle school?
29:38It's getting sloppy in here, everybody.
29:40Look at...
29:41Look how drunk Glenn Close is.
29:43Laughter
29:48Oh, dear.
29:50Actually, she might need a medic.
29:52She might need a medic.
29:54I'm going to dance with you later.
29:56You know what, Taylor Swift?
29:58You stay away from Michael J. Fox's son.
30:00Laughter
30:03Or go for it.
30:04Or go for it.
30:05No, she needs some me time to learn about herself.
30:08Okay.
30:09Our next presenter is an actor so versatile
30:13that he played Iron Man in three different movies.
30:16Please welcome Robert Downey Jr.
30:18Applause
30:20Between them, they own two hours of late-night television
30:23and 51 cars.
30:24Please welcome Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon.
30:26Applause
30:30This next presenter is so good-looking,
30:33he makes young George Clooney look like God.
30:36He makes young George Clooney look like garbage.
30:39Please welcome middle-aged George Clooney.
30:41Applause
30:43Thank you very much.
30:44Good night.
30:45We're going home with Jodie Foster.
30:47Applause
30:54We want to thank our hosts tonight,
30:57the Hollywood Foreign Press,
31:00the Association of Esteemed International Journalists
31:04who are responsible for this beautiful event.
31:06Specifically, we would like to thank
31:08Jürgen von der Finger from Der Fünf magazine.
31:11Lupe Paralos-Lupes from Bethothithwethoth.com
31:16Sven Kendervamit from Purple magazine.
31:19Jimmy Pfern, editor of Kaplanck.
31:22Niswa Ziakimora Bishan Visey Yoshimata from Le Oeuf.
31:26Lukasz Wiawaszowski from the free magazine
31:28they give out on Polish buses, Powii.
31:31And of course, of course,
31:32Jeremy Watson-Stuart from DustEats.
31:35Yes.
31:36Thank you all for your integrity.
31:39Ladies and gentlemen,
31:41the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press,
31:43Theo Kingma.
31:44In the name of gender equality this year,
31:47please welcome Mr. Golden Globe,
31:49my adult son from a previous relationship,
31:52Randy.
31:53Randy.
32:02Don't do this.
32:04She's so stupid.
32:06Randy, introduce yourself to Sosi.
32:09Her mother is the closer.
32:11Hey.
32:12Your name is Sosi.
32:13What are you, the Olympics?
32:16What?
32:17What?
32:18No, that's Soshi.
32:19Also, how could a person be the Olympics?
32:21I'm sorry about him.
32:22No, no, he seems great.
32:23No, no, he seems like a real doll.
32:25God, I hate being up here.
32:27Jacqueline Bissette's backstage bothering me.
32:29No.
32:31You could learn a lot from Jacqueline Bissette.
32:33She is a winner.
32:34Am I done?
32:36Oh, no, don't you talk to me like that.
32:38Do you want to go live with your father?
32:39I can't.
32:40You won't tell me who he is.
32:44Well, he's here tonight, so look around.
32:47God, I hate you.
32:49Jacqueline Bissette hates you, too.
32:53I'm sorry.
32:54Kids, right?
32:55Kids.
32:56Mom!
32:57Is it him?
33:00No, Randy.
33:01Idris Elba is not your father.
33:03Think about it.
33:05Is it him?
33:16Carry on.
33:18She puts the modern in modern family,
33:20and he puts his phone on silent
33:22when he sneaks into women's locker rooms.
33:24Please welcome Julie Bowen and Seth Meyers.
33:29Well, well, well.
33:33Look who slithered back over to the TV section.
33:37Hi, Julia.
33:38Hi, Julia.
33:42Hi.
33:44Hi.
33:46Wow.
33:47Wow, you're a real phony, Louis Dreyfus.
33:51Our next presenters know a real phony when they see one.
33:54He is the soon-to-be host of The Tonight Show,
33:56and she was the cursing consultant on The Wolf of Wall Street.
33:59Please welcome Jimmy Fallon
34:01and the star of Tammy, Melissa McCarthy.
34:04Amy Poehler, Fox and Recreation.
34:07And the Golden Globe goes to...
34:11Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation.
34:20I just want to say congratulations again
34:22to my friend, Amy Poehler.
34:24I love you, and there's a special place in hell for you.
34:29Oh, okay.
34:30I love you.
34:31I love you.
34:32I love you.
34:33I love you.
34:35Oh, okay.
34:36Our next presenter told me earlier
34:38that she isn't looking for new friends.
34:41Please welcome Emma Stone.
34:46And now, like a supermodel's vagina,
34:49let's all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio.
34:55Which film will take the night's most coverage?
34:57Thank you, everyone.
34:58This is the beautiful mess we hoped it would be.
35:01And I got to make out with Bono.
35:03Come home, I love you.
35:04Thanks.
35:07The Hollywood Foreign Press Association
35:10comprises journalists from all around the globe,
35:13and we would like to now introduce you
35:15to our newest HFPA member,
35:18a contributor to Movies Wow magazine,
35:21and a North Korean army general.
35:24Cho Young Ja.
35:26Welcome.
35:34Hi.
35:35Hi.
35:36Are you having a nice time?
35:38Can we get you anything?
35:39No.
35:40No?
35:41I see you brought your magazine with you.
35:44Do you want somebody to take a picture with you
35:46with your magazine?
35:47Okay.
35:48Okay, who do you want to take a picture?
35:52Okay.
35:53Okay, all right.
35:54She'll do it.
35:55She'll do it.
35:56Meryl.
35:57Meryl, you'll do it, right?
35:58You'll do it.
35:59Who's got a camera?
36:00Come on.
36:01Keaton, you got a camera?
36:02Let's do this.
36:03Let's get a picture.
36:04Meryl, hold the magazine.
36:05It's like an HFPA thing.
36:06You got to hold the magazine.
36:07Okay, thanks.
36:08Great.
36:09We got a lot of weird emails that can't get out.
36:10You got to do this for us.
36:11Okay, all right, great.
36:12Got it?
36:13Yeah.
36:14Do it for all of us, Meryl.
36:15There we go.
36:16You love Korea.
36:17Everyone knows it.
36:18Here we go.
36:19There we go.
36:20There you go.
36:22Awesome.
36:23Yeah.
36:25Crisis averted.
36:26God bless.
36:27Oh, thank you.
36:28You're all great Americans.
36:29Great Americans.
36:30HFPA president and tall Dutch drink of water, Theo Kingma.
36:35Once again, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
36:42Cho Young Ja wanted to come up here with us.
36:47Are you enjoying the show so far?
36:50No.
36:51What?
36:52You don't think it's fun to see all these big movie stars and crazy eyes and Prince?
36:56It's a fun show.
36:59In North Korea, we know how to put on a show.
37:03This is not a show.
37:05No.
37:06You don't have a thousand babies playing guitar at the same time.
37:12You don't have people holding up many cards to make one big picture.
37:17You don't have Dennis Rodman.
37:19No basketball at all.
37:21All right.
37:22Someone dropped the ball on Rodman.
37:24We'll get on that.
37:25We'll get right on that.
37:26Also, I think that Orange is the New Black should be in drama category.
37:33It's funny but not ha-ha funny.
37:37Okay.
37:38We'll talk to someone about that.
37:41Also, Piper and Alex relationship very toxic.
37:46Well, you know, you're making nothing but sense.
37:48We will work on these things.
37:49And in the meantime, please welcome Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader.
37:54She should do Bridesmaids 2.
37:59He's Ant-Man and he's my aunt's favorite man.
38:03Please welcome Paul Rudd and Adam Levine.