Ricky Gervais' monologue at the 73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards and also all of his other bits/introductions, including Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill, the President of the HFP, Matt Damon (hilarious Ben Affleck reference), Eva Longoria and America Ferrera, Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence, Kevin Hart and Ken Jeong, Eddie Redmayne and, of course, Mel Gibson! Morgan Freeman introduction is missing, I apologize for that.
I do not hold any rights to this video; these clips are strictly for entertainment purposes only!
I do not hold any rights to this video; these clips are strictly for entertainment purposes only!
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00:00Live from the star-filled International Ballroom of the Beverly Hilton Hotel.
00:07Welcome to the 73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards.
00:14And now your host for the evening, ladies and gentlemen, Ricky Gervais.
00:31Shush. Shut up.
00:35You disgusting, pill-popping, sexual deviant scum.
00:42I want to do this monologue and then go into hiding, OK?
00:47Not even Sean Penn will find me.
00:55Snitch.
00:58Hello and welcome to the 73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards,
01:01live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel,
01:07with all these rich, beautiful celebrities having the time of their lives.
01:12Let's hope no-one spoils that. Yeah.
01:15Relax, I'm going to try and be nice.
01:17You're global megastars with amazing talent, most of you.
01:22A few of you just married well.
01:24You know who you are.
01:26We all do. We all do.
01:30We're live on NBC, and it's right that NBC hosts this award show,
01:34because they're the only network who are truly fair and impartial.
01:38And that's because they're the only network with zero nominations.
01:42So...
01:45Nothing in it for them tonight.
01:47They don't care who... They don't care, obviously.
01:52But as I say, I'm going to be nice tonight.
01:54I've changed.
01:56Not as much as Bruce Jenner, obviously.
02:00Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course.
02:02What a year she's had.
02:04She became a role model for trans people everywhere,
02:07showing great bravery in breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes.
02:12She didn't do a lot for women drivers, but...
02:19You can't have everything, can you?
02:21Not at the same time.
02:23Anyway, so I am going to be nice tonight, and I'll tell you why.
02:27The president of the Hollywood Foreign Press just told me
02:30that if I say anything offensive or crass or resort to innuendo,
02:34he is going to come out here and personally pull me off.
02:37So that's an offer I couldn't refuse.
02:42Yes, yes, that is the level.
02:45An old man pulling me off.
02:51Again.
02:53At least Jeffrey Tambor did it in a dress.
02:56What a year he's had.
02:58Oh, what an actor, what a role.
03:01No, it's...
03:04Every day he has to put on all the women's clothes and the hair and make-up
03:09and let people film it.
03:11That takes balls.
03:13So I don't know how he does it.
03:15I really don't. I've seen his balls.
03:17They're huge and long.
03:19I don't know if he tucked them in the bra or does that thing
03:22when you push him out the back and let him hang out like a bulldog.
03:26No-one knows.
03:28I love Jeffrey Tambor.
03:30I love Jeffrey Tambor.
03:32I don't know if that's because he's such a great actor
03:34or because he reminds me of my nan.
03:38One Hollywood publication said that me hosting would mean
03:41that some film stars would stay away for fear of being made fun of.
03:45As if film stars would stay away from the chance of winning a Golden Globe,
03:49particularly if their film company has already paid for it.
04:01LAUGHTER
04:04So what's happened this last year in this crazy business we call show?
04:09The Excellent Spotlight has been nominated.
04:12CHEERING
04:18The Catholic Church are furious about the film
04:22as it exposes the fact that 5% of all their priests
04:26have repeatedly molested children
04:28and been allowed to continue to work without punishment.
04:31Roman Polanski called it the best date movie ever.
04:34LAUGHTER
04:41Jennifer Lawrence made the news
04:43when she demanded equal pay for women in Hollywood
04:46and she received, yeah, overwhelming support from...
04:50CHEERING
04:52..people everywhere.
04:54There were marches on the street
04:56with nurses and factory workers saying,
04:58how the hell can a 25-year-old live on 52 million?
05:02This is...
05:03There were plumbers around the world going,
05:05poor girl in town, where's Rocky now?
05:08So, but joking aside...
05:12..of course women should be paid the same as men for doing the same job
05:16and I'd like to say now that I'm getting paid exactly the same
05:19as Tina and Amy did last year for hosting it.
05:22Now, I know there was two of them,
05:24but it's not my fault if they want to share the money, is it?
05:28That's their stupid fault.
05:31It's funny cos it's true.
05:35The Hollywood Foreign Press deemed The Martian a comedy
05:39and even nominated it
05:41and hence Matt Damon is here tonight,
05:43so that worked a treat, didn't it?
05:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
05:50To be fair, The Martian was a lot funnier than Pixels.
05:55But...
05:57..then again, so was Schindler's List.
06:04It's just a film.
06:08All female remakes are the big thing.
06:11There's a female remake of Ghostbusters,
06:13there's going to be a female remake of Ocean's Eleven,
06:15and this is brilliant for the studios
06:17cos they get guaranteed box office results
06:19and they don't have to spend too much money on the cast.
06:22So...
06:26Shut up, I don't care!
06:31Listen, if you do win tonight,
06:34remember that no-one cares about that award as much as you do, OK?
06:43Don't get emotional, it's embarrassing, OK?
06:47That award is, no offence, worthless.
06:53It's a bit of metal that some nice old confused journalist
06:58wanted to give you in person
07:00so they could meet you and have a selfie with you.
07:03OK? That's all it is.
07:06I've got three. I've got three Golden Globes myself,
07:09so I can say, one's a doorstop,
07:12one I use to hit burglars with,
07:14and one I keep by the bed to...
07:16Doesn't matter why, it's mine. It's mine.
07:18It's mine.
07:19I won it fair and square.
07:21It's just the right shape and size.
07:23It's nothing...
07:26Yeah, so to be clear,
07:28that was a joke about me shoving Golden Globes.
07:30That I've won, up my arse.
07:35And they asked me to host four times!
07:38Jesus!
07:40HE SIGHS
07:41Let's do the show, shall we?
07:44On a serious note, the Golden Globes are about excellence.
07:47To win one, you have to do something amazing.
07:50Neither of our first two presenters have won a Golden Globe.
07:55I don't know what they're doing here, really.
07:57But I don't choose the guests.
08:01Please welcome the fantastic Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill.
08:09Whoa.
08:13Welcome back.
08:16The Golden Globes doesn't have an In Memoriam section
08:20to get you all depressed.
08:22Instead, we let the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press
08:25say a few words.
08:29Please welcome Lorenzo Soria.
08:32Our next presenter is the star of the hilarious comedy The Martian.
08:45Oh, he nearly died. Right.
08:49He's also the only person who Ben Affleck hasn't been unfaithful to.
08:53Please welcome Matt Damon.
08:57Um...
08:58HE CHUCKLES
09:03It was a pleasure to work with, uh...
09:05APPLAUSE
09:13Eva Longoria.
09:16She's a great actress.
09:17She's a great actress.
09:18She's a great actress.
09:19She's a great actress.
09:20She's a great actress.
09:21She's a great actress.
09:22She's a great actress.
09:23Eva Longoria and America Ferreira
09:27aren't just beautiful, talented actresses.
09:30They are also two people
09:32who your future president, Donald Trump,
09:35can't wait to deport.
09:39Please welcome Eva Longoria and America Ferreira.
09:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:54Welcome back.
09:57Joy and Trainwreck.
09:59No, not the names of Charlie Sheen's two favourite hookers.
10:05The films of our next two presenters.
10:08They're best friends, by the way.
10:10They wanted me to tell you that.
10:13And if you forget, they said they'd tweet you.
10:16Basically, they'll come round and shout it through.
10:19It's like they've never had a friend before.
10:23Please welcome Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence.
10:32Oh...
10:35This show is way too long, isn't it?
10:37It's way too... This could be half an hour.
10:44This one was in the writer's strike
10:46when they just read the winners and just...
10:50OK.
10:51Let's get through it. Right.
10:54Unbelievable.
10:56Some people still think this award means something.
10:59The winners. Just listen to me.
11:01Listen. It doesn't just...
11:04Right.
11:05When Brad and Angelina
11:07see our next two adorable little presenters,
11:10they're going to want to adopt them.
11:12Please welcome Kevin Hart and Ken Jeong.
11:16OK.
11:19Right. Listen, this is...
11:21Shush.
11:23Just shut up, really, seriously.
11:25Right.
11:26A few years ago, on this show,
11:29I made a joke about Mel Gibson
11:31and I said,
11:32I don't know if you've ever heard of Mel Gibson,
11:35but he's a great singer,
11:37and I said,
11:38I don't know if you've ever heard of Mel Gibson,
11:41but he's a great singer,
11:43I made a joke about Mel Gibson
11:45getting a bit drunk
11:47and saying a few unsavoury things.
11:50We've all done it.
11:52I wasn't judging him,
11:54but now I find myself in the awkward position
11:57of having to introduce him again.
12:01Listen, I'm sure it's embarrassing for both of us, OK?
12:05And I blame NBC for this terrible situation.
12:10Mel blames...
12:12We know who Mel blames.
12:23Listen, I still feel a bit bad for it, right?
12:27Mel's forgotten all about it, apparently.
12:29That's what drinking does.
12:31No...
12:34I want to say something nice about Mel before he comes out.
12:38Um, so...
12:41Oh, yeah, OK, here you go.
12:43I'd rather have a drink with him in his hotel room tonight
12:47than with Bill Cosby.
12:50Please welcome Mel Gibson.
13:05Yeah.
13:06I love seeing Ricky once every three years
13:09cos it reminds me that he's got a colonoscopy.
13:22Well, if you'd left your drink...
13:24You don't need to leave your drink here.
13:26I'll put you to sleep another way, son of a bitch.
13:29Listen, can I ask you a question?
13:31Go ahead.
13:32I think we all want the answer to this.
13:36Go on.
13:43I don't know, that's the guy that said it, it wasn't me.
13:49Ah, thanks, Ricky, for your input.
13:53OK, a filth, all of it.
13:55Are we back?
14:01Welcome back to the Golden Globes.
14:06Our next presenter is an actress who is both beautiful and talented.
14:11Born in England, she came to America and has taken Hollywood by storm.
14:16The star of the nominated movie The Danish Girl,
14:19please...
14:20It's a dude.
14:22Eddie Redmayne.
14:37Thank you, I'm afraid, that's it.
14:39We're out of time.
14:42From myself and Mal Gibson, shalom.