Boned 2015 full movie
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00You
00:00:30You
00:00:32You
00:00:58You
00:01:02Someone must have got to the mail
00:01:06You said it would make me feel better, but the tears I've cried would fill up a pail
00:01:14It's not that I don't believe that you love me like you say that you do
00:01:22Secret evil forces are trying to break my heart
00:01:27There's a conspiracy to keep us apart
00:01:32Oh
00:01:35With their conspiracy to keep us apart
00:01:43With a conspiracy to keep us apart
00:01:59Hi
00:02:02Hi, I think you hit my car. Yeah, I just had it painted
00:02:18Is that someone you know?
00:02:20I'm a doctor. So I just don't like to see young people smoking. I'm kind of in a rush. So do you have information?
00:02:33I
00:02:46Don't love like that. I
00:02:48Can't you don't know what love is. I
00:02:51Do this is about something else twisted and gnarled
00:02:56Hmm a dream deferred, you know that poem can we not talk about poetry, please?
00:03:04Can we just fuck?
00:03:10Do you ever do the kiss now, I think we're gonna stop right there and readjust I
00:03:16Don't like that chair bit. It has too much theatricality and not enough reality
00:03:23Class our job as actors is to hold up that mirror and say this is truth
00:03:30Yeah, but aren't all mirrors distortions?
00:03:32I mean naturalism is really just the current norm for acting style
00:03:36But I feel like the writing here is calling attention to itself as a heightened reality and maybe the acting style should complement
00:03:44just
00:03:45saying I
00:03:47Don't want to see you acting Samantha. I
00:03:51Want to see you being it has to be
00:03:57Indistinguishable from reality so that we can understand the stakes of
00:04:02Life and death which is what it's all about for instance
00:04:21Oh
00:04:42Shit
00:04:45I
00:04:47Try not to upset her nurse, I need more medicine
00:04:52You're just fine. Mr. Kirk. I need more medicine
00:05:00You brought lavender you're always my brightest student, would you hold my hand?
00:05:08Oh
00:05:13That's nice
00:05:16You need to shut up you fucking drug addict I need my moment
00:05:25Samantha you're my brightest student. You're a first-rate actress and you're a first-class sucker
00:05:33Sucker what do you do for a living? I'm an actor
00:05:39How do you keep them from turning off your electricity or your intelligent telephone
00:05:45When I don't make enough as an actor, I walk dogs. When did you ever make enough as an actor?
00:05:512004 2005 I still get residual Samantha Samantha face it
00:05:57It's behind you. It's over. I made more money and I've worked more than you will ever do and what am I?
00:06:03I'm a three-time divorcee
00:06:06With credits that
00:06:09nobody remembers a
00:06:12Bunch of Hollywood lovers that are dead. I'm a teacher now. I
00:06:18Train
00:06:20Waiters and strippers who bought into the big lie that they can be famous
00:06:25Now I want you to find a guy and get married. I've already been married
00:06:31It really didn't work out that was your fucking fault it's because you're too much of an actress
00:06:37Do you know what's real?
00:06:42Dying alone is real. That's real
00:07:00I
00:07:02I
00:07:04I
00:07:30Tried it is illegal for you to not pick up after your dog
00:07:34It's my best. All right, there is still all this shit on the grass. Are you trying to tell me that it's cleaned up?
00:07:44California Code 53 point 49 animal defecation on public property or upon private property unless it's the owner's property is
00:08:05Oh
00:08:12Put the dog shit in the dumpster outside
00:08:17The crazy lady's after me
00:08:21What
00:08:22I did my best to clean up the shit, but it was running and I couldn't get it. I
00:08:28Don't carry a hose with me for Christ's sake
00:08:31I'm sure it's fine. Just relax
00:08:34I
00:08:37Think I lost her, okay
00:08:40I'm taking off
00:08:42Wait, aren't you gonna take these guys back to their houses? I gotta get you a hot yoga class
00:08:46Can you take a later class? I have an audition
00:08:49You got an audition. It's just a local mattress commercial, but I could really use the money just I haven't had an audition in weeks
00:08:56Sorry, whatever
00:08:59I
00:09:02Just walk the dog so you should take them back home
00:09:05Yeah, but I already did a pickup a dog park run and a return you only went to one location
00:09:10I have been to two with those guys
00:09:11We agreed when you came on as partner that we would cover each other if we got auditions or work
00:09:16But that's only fair for both auditioning and getting work. Yeah, but you could have three auditions next week
00:09:22Who knows? I have not had three in a week in ten years. So again, not fair
00:09:28Right, it's fine. Don't worry about it. I'll figure it out. Just relax
00:09:45Hi, oh hi
00:09:48How's the paint job it's great I just had it touched up and it's as good as new oh, that was fast I work very fast
00:09:55Do I owe you money?
00:10:06No, actually I was
00:10:08So gonna give me you some I think I might need your services my services. Yeah, your card says that you walk dogs
00:10:15Oh, yeah, that's my bag
00:10:19Well, I'm Edward ever pierce pierce spell like the puncture yes like he pierced my heart
00:10:31Samantha Marlowe
00:10:36This old thing I just put it on when I don't care how I look
00:10:40So
00:10:48I have a dog that needs some help
00:10:54You've come to the right place then because I have a way with dogs
00:11:01Come in
00:11:11I
00:11:18Am Felicia
00:11:20Hi
00:11:22This is mr. Pierce's the heart. You can call me Edward actually if you want to get technical, it's doctor pierces the heart
00:11:29Oh, and I do
00:11:31When I get technical
00:11:35What kind of doctor are you a
00:11:37Family practitioner. Do you need a family? I'm sorry. Are you married? I'm divorced
00:11:48Actually, I just
00:11:50Remember that I have some time
00:11:53So after watching my father die very slow
00:11:58Brutal death when she brought me here she became much more than an aunt to me
00:12:05No, she became
00:12:08You know, I like my my mother
00:12:11she'd saved me from a very bleak time and place in my life and
00:12:16her generosity
00:12:19My friendship, there's no woman in the world who's meant nearly as much to me. I owe her literally
00:12:28Everything I
00:12:31Understand
00:12:33Thank you
00:12:35Just that Humphrey really needs one-on-one attention wait, I'm sorry Humphrey is
00:12:42The Maltese
00:12:45That Edward buffers and when she had the fall five years ago and lost her lust for life
00:12:51geez
00:12:53right
00:12:55She's in the hospital for how long oh, we don't know at least three days and I just I don't have the time or resources to
00:13:04Take care of this very
00:13:06Very vulnerable little dog myself. Don't worry about a thing Edward. We got it
00:13:11I will take care of him like he was my own. I will
00:13:17sleep with him and
00:13:23I'm happy to pay you more than
00:13:25normal service fees
00:13:27No
00:13:29Actually, you are requesting additional services. So
00:13:33I think this should
00:13:35suffice
00:13:40Actually with grooming and boarding and any medicines he might need any vet fees he may incur
00:13:46We'll keep this as a deposit and return any unused funds or request additional fees with an itemized
00:13:59Great
00:14:01Okay, so if we can just go to my aunt's and and pick up Humphrey
00:14:05I'll do it
00:14:08Don't you have to well cuz Sam has to return the dogs and then Sam has an
00:14:15audition
00:14:17An audition. Whoa, so you're uh, you're an actress. Mm-hmm. I seen you anything. Well, you can see me in something right now
00:14:23Oh, yeah, I'm in a show
00:14:25The weekly gave us a go. Ah
00:14:30I
00:14:38Sexually disturbing in a
00:14:40Brando sort of way. Well, let's just say it's like
00:14:46butter
00:14:47seems very
00:14:49Dark art that doesn't push boundaries isn't really art. Well to express and accept with dignity
00:14:55Both the sacred and profane is the highest to which humanity can aspire
00:15:00Who said that I did?
00:15:03You like it
00:15:04Like it. I want to get a tattoo of it. Oh, and where would you put such a time? We both are
00:15:11actresses, but
00:15:13We just love dogs so much. We do this too. Speaking of which we should go take care of your
00:15:23Well, I I'll come to you sure good luck with the audition
00:15:30I
00:16:01I
00:16:16Link in the chain tell the mistress
00:16:30Oh
00:16:43Shit
00:16:45Really good you guys had an excellent chemistry. Are you guys actually married? No. Thank you so much for coming in. Have a good
00:16:55Samantha Marlowe. Yeah, you are reading next. I'm gonna have you read with Julianne racer
00:17:00Oh
00:17:10You want to rehearse these sides or what
00:17:13Sure. Oh, honey. We can't afford a new mattress you bitch. That's not the line
00:17:18It's now we can my first audition in a month and I'm paired up with the ice queen
00:17:22I'm paired with a drama queen. You managed to find humor and this is beyond me
00:17:26Life's a comedy for those who think a tragedy for those who feel and a bore for those who do neither. Okay
00:17:33It's pretty self-explanatory as far as quotes go. I still don't get why you said it. Hey, I have a great idea
00:17:38I know you rehearse the scene
00:17:41Typical Samantha, let's just move on and obviously that's what you've done. It's been two years
00:17:47Supposed to be until death parted us Samantha. I think it's better off that neither of us is dead
00:17:53You know, I'm just gonna tell the casting person to Paris with someone else
00:17:56Oh, you'd love that wouldn't you just pair me off as somebody else. I'm some precious bitch. You are a precious. You're just a bitch
00:18:04Let's do it
00:18:09It is a absolute pleasure to me I
00:18:14Don't shake right understood. I am Julian racer. Just go ahead and say
00:18:20I
00:18:25Whatever you're ready
00:18:29Julian racer Samantha Marlowe
00:18:33But honey, we can't afford a new mattress at these prices we can
00:18:41Wow
00:18:42Water memory mattresses are 50% off steely spring or 40% off at these prices
00:18:50How can we not?
00:18:54Interesting improv with the kiss. Thank you. I was in the moment and you didn't react
00:19:00But that happens to me all the time. I
00:19:03Inspired that kind of behavior. Oh, you've definitely got chemistry. I'll give you that you okay do it again
00:19:10But this time Samantha react after the kiss because the kiss is so wonderful, but even more wonderful
00:19:17The mattresses low prices
00:19:24Whenever you're ready
00:19:28Thank you so much that was excellent just tell the director that I'd love to work with him it would be well
00:19:35We have chemistry. Yeah, like ammonia and bleach exactly wait you put those together. It makes a poisonous gas
00:19:42Yeah, you mix them. You got to get out of the vicinity quick
00:19:48Ha ha
00:20:07Felicia
00:20:10Felicia just come
00:20:12I'm reloading and then I'm gonna come in there and kill you your dog
00:20:42Oh
00:20:44My god
00:21:10Where is my dog?
00:21:14Where is my dog?
00:21:22Felicia Felicia Felicia talk to me Felicia
00:21:33So, what are they gonna operate I
00:21:35Don't know when they're gonna operate
00:21:37The ER is full. Thank God. I got shot in the valley
00:21:42If I was downtown
00:21:46I'd never get treated and now I might even go to jail the police say that guy. Dr. Edward Pierce
00:21:53Doesn't exist. So some guy just came in pretending to be her nephew
00:21:58So he could steal the dog and make us take the ball for it. Apparently the Maltese is worth
00:22:04several grand or several
00:22:07Hundred grand we'll find the dog. We'll find the phony doctor. We'll figure it out
00:22:14Sam yeah
00:22:18I'm definitely
00:22:20Serious current this shit
00:22:24It's okay, it's gonna be alright
00:22:28Yes, but Sam who is going to cast me now
00:22:36I
00:23:06I
00:23:36Oh
00:24:06No, I'm free
00:24:22On a very dangerous date
00:24:26Even if you knew you couldn't tell me
00:24:30No, you'd like to try
00:24:37Actually, I just walk dogs
00:24:40My own
00:24:42Just haven't been able to since I lost
00:24:51Yeah
00:24:57Everybody loved in the government people did dogs did even cats
00:25:06I
00:25:08Know
00:25:12Don't worry, I got
00:25:20I got you. I got you
00:25:36Oh
00:26:06You
00:26:24You
00:26:36Doggy doggy
00:27:07Mother
00:27:10Fucker what the fuck? What do you mean? What the fuck you tried to break into my place the mistress wants the Maltese
00:27:19the mistress
00:27:37Oh
00:27:48Darling this is a surprise
00:27:52Who's this adorable little creature, I'm so sorry to disturb you fee. I just have to ask a favor
00:27:59Oh, what is it? Oh, well, the dog is the favor. Oh
00:28:02I just need you to foster him for a couple days
00:28:07Darling I don't foster dogs. Well, but this is a very valuable dog and I wouldn't trust him with just anyone darling
00:28:14I'm in the middle of a party. Oh a
00:28:17Botox party. Oh, which actually you could use
00:28:21Your forehead isn't gonna be any smoother
00:28:25My plastic surgeon is here. He's a genius and he could give you a free consultation
00:28:36Oh
00:28:47This is Samantha
00:28:50She's my dog walker and an aspiring actress Oh professional actress actually sag after a
00:29:01And this is the magician who cheats age
00:29:06My darling Herman
00:29:11Hi
00:29:13Herman
00:29:14Samantha is asking me if I will foster this adorable little Maltese. Oh
00:29:21In that case, I guess I guess you must
00:29:25But I don't foster dogs. No. Well, I tell you what I tell you what if you foster this little guy for a few days
00:29:30I will myself
00:29:33adopt him
00:29:36You were a dog lover, I guess I'm not but in this case I think it just might be
00:29:41Love at first sight, right? Oh
00:29:45Aren't you just the most wonderful man? Oh
00:29:49And while she's here you tell Samantha about the magic that you do. She's not getting any younger
00:29:57Sure
00:29:58Sorry
00:30:00Family practitioner, huh? Well once upon a time
00:30:03Plastic surgery now, I never thought I would go around chasing the money, but you gotta grow up at some point, right?
00:30:10so
00:30:12How's your audition?
00:30:13Interesting. Yeah, tell me
00:30:16Less interesting than this fake-named client who was about to fuck my partner stole a dog and then left her to get shot
00:30:23Oh your partner got shot. She's alive. No, thanks to you. Then guess what? Somebody drops a stolen dog off onto me
00:30:30Okay, Humphrey's very much in danger right now. I
00:30:33Thought he'd be safe with you. He's not
00:30:38Okay, then then bring him here is the right thing to do I knew I could trust you
00:30:48Don't try to romance me Edward or I will pierce your left nut
00:30:53What kind of shit did you drag me into? Okay, I know this is weird, but you just have to trust me
00:30:57No, no, no, you're gonna have to start talking or a plastic surgeon to the stars. It's gonna have a major publicity scandal on his hands
00:31:05Okay, there's a very very dangerous woman who's trying to find Humphrey right now as we speak
00:31:11The mistress. Yes the mistress
00:31:13How do you know about the mistress because a big scary man broke down my door looking for Humphrey at her bidding. Okay, you know
00:31:19You can't go home tonight
00:31:21You stay at my place is it is not safe for you to go home
00:31:25Sure, I would be much more safe with you
00:31:29Okay, look, I know you're upset Sam, but trust me when I tell you this that I I
00:31:35Would not be able to live with myself
00:31:38If anything happened to you
00:31:45Did you say the same thing to my partner before you got her naked
00:31:53Your partner
00:31:55Talking she did the undressing and I did something really really stupid by bringing either of you into this
00:32:05So
00:32:07How do I do what I've done
00:32:13How do I do it
00:32:16I
00:32:21Mean darling your presence is demanded. Okay. Well, I was just it's nice to see you two are getting along. Yeah
00:32:29I was checking to see if her lips needed plumping
00:32:33They don't
00:32:34Nope
00:32:38We gotta go no, I wish you wouldn't I don't think you should uh, you were gonna watch Humphrey like he was my own
00:32:46But if Herman wants you to stay you should stay
00:32:50He's quite a catch. Sure. I'm quite a catch
00:32:54Yeah, I don't think I want to catch what's been going around
00:33:16You
00:33:41Where is the motifs Sebastian
00:33:45the dog walker has
00:33:47my mistress
00:33:51How does she walk into this I don't know my mistress
00:33:57Where is she? I
00:33:59Lost her my mistress. That is very bad
00:34:03use for you
00:34:05Sebastian I
00:34:07Know my mistress. What is my room?
00:34:10meticulous discipline my mistress
00:34:15Meticulous discipline my mistress
00:34:21That is right
00:34:23Discipline is what is required for you to understand
00:34:29on your knees
00:34:31Thank you, my mistress
00:34:38Now it is time
00:34:45Thank you my mistress
00:34:55The punishment is for the watchers
00:35:04Thank you my mistress
00:35:06My
00:35:14Black book list held in a microchip
00:35:17stolen
00:35:19Just two weeks before I am poised to perform my unique play
00:35:27Of punishment to the most prestigious places across the world
00:35:33Paris Milan London
00:35:36Egypt
00:35:38My world dominatrix
00:35:56That is a
00:36:00Plan to bring my ruin my chip stolen put into a dog
00:36:05a
00:36:16Dog it's not just a pet the dog is a vessel to service master
00:36:24Mistress
00:36:36Bring me the dog
00:36:45Bring me the dog walker
00:37:05I
00:37:12Am it's the police
00:37:23Does it uh
00:37:24Always look like this
00:37:26Like what I guess dog walking is a messy business
00:37:30I didn't realize the police had the resources to be investigating dog nappings, you know budget cuts
00:37:36No, we're investigating the breaking and entering performed by your partner
00:37:41We did a search for Edward Pierce the name of this nephew according to your business partner. Okay
00:37:48Nothing
00:37:50so do you pay with a credit card or
00:37:52Give you any ID? No, he paid in cash in advance
00:37:56We didn't really have a reason to suspect anything and you've had no contact since
00:38:09How close are you and your partner we're best frenemies
00:38:13Would she ever double-cross you only on days of the week the end and why well Agnes Anne
00:38:19thinks that
00:38:20Your partner is working with this woman
00:38:23She
00:38:25Calls herself the mistress. She's a high-class dominatrix caters to the Hollywood elite who's Agnes Anne Agnes Anne?
00:38:32shot
00:38:34your partner
00:38:36Yeah, but why would the mistress want Agnes Anne's dog? Well, all I can tell you because it's all I know
00:38:41Is that clearly it's a very valuable dog
00:38:46Is this autograph to you
00:38:49I'm just here doing my job
00:38:56Your best frenemy is in a whole lot of deep doggy doo-doo
00:39:01She's facing criminal charges not to mention a lifelong limp
00:39:06Now
00:39:09The next official visitors might not be so nice
00:39:19I
00:39:29Thank you for the coffee
00:39:48Are
00:39:57You selling religion
00:40:00Cuz I'll take some right now actually I'm the partner of the dog walker that you shot
00:40:19I
00:40:33Hate to do this Agnes, but I have to know
00:40:38Agnes why would anyone want to take home free? I mean besides the fact that he is adorbs
00:40:45Children are such a disappointment
00:40:48Hmm
00:40:50This one rotten to the core uses Humphrey like little pawn
00:40:59Left him with me when she went out of town on business. I
00:41:04Knew she wasn't taking care of him. I told her wouldn't give it back
00:41:10You had every right
00:41:13I just don't know what she wants with poor little Humphrey. I fear that it's for mal intent
00:41:22She's into some pretty vile things videos with people
00:41:35Hurting things
00:41:37She might even use animals. Oh
00:41:40God
00:41:43That's why I got the gun I totally understand
00:41:50Well, you're fine Humphrey
00:41:57Can you bring him back safe to me
00:42:04I'll bring him back safe to you safe from her
00:42:10I
00:42:12Promise
00:42:24Faye
00:42:27Yeah, how's Humphrey doing Herman wait, okay
00:42:33And darling, I do you know the most you know, I think I what's his number I
00:42:39Think I can find it. But if you could just give me
00:42:44Yes, I think he likes me you were playing hard to get a man like that knows what he wants
00:43:03You're coming with us. Oh, I can't I have a call back to go to and then I have a show tonight
00:43:11Actually, you know what I think you guys might say it
00:43:17This is our kind of show for sure, where's the dog?
00:43:21I have three that I have to pick up this afternoon
00:43:25You're gonna have to be more specific mistress
00:43:28wants to see you I
00:43:30Have an idea
00:43:40Wait, where are you going? It's my call back doofus. What are we supposed to do wait in the car?
00:43:46I rolled the windows down. What more do you guys want? What if you bail?
00:43:52And leave my car to you vampires, I don't think so
00:43:55He'll stay in the car
00:43:57The rest of us are going
00:44:05I'm gonna sit my wrists and then you'll both be sorry
00:44:10I'm a wing this track like a right brother. No question about it girl
00:44:15I'm the right brother never wanna smother as long as you do me doing you everything will be cool
00:44:22I'm the big Lebowski. In other words, I'm that dude too late for your apologies
00:44:27If you wear my tats, right, you would have followed the prophecy could have joined a monopoly, but now there's no passing go
00:44:34You missed your chance. It's too late
00:44:41Hey, who the hell are these guys my entourage?
00:44:46Oh
00:44:49My acting partner, I'm Rex husband you little snot and if you're interested in her she is an ice queen
00:44:55Ripped your heart out and then shit son
00:44:58Just the way you like it
00:45:01Don't fuck with me you little shit. I
00:45:05Didn't I didn't mean you should
00:45:09Yeah, it's cool, it's cool, okay
00:45:13Are you guys ready? Yeah
00:45:15Yeah, yeah, you're gonna nail this
00:45:20After you
00:45:24We're gonna nail this
00:45:36Here is the plan I got on my two stops pick up some dogs take them to the dog park
00:45:42People for you guys to get some Sun I think
00:45:45Then we'll take the dogs back home and then we can go see your mistress
00:45:52You don't seem to understand
00:45:54We're armed. You're not you don't tell us what to do. I get that
00:45:59You're not getting that. I don't have an understudy
00:46:05What does she want with the dog anyway, she wants to cut it open
00:46:08Oh
00:46:11My god, why why would she do that to the little dog? What did it ever do to her the mistress is like that
00:46:20You know what I know we're stuck in traffic, but I am still driving could you put that away
00:46:24How'd you like it if I cut that pretty face of yours?
00:46:28You're gonna get a lot of rolls with a big scar on your face
00:46:32Probably not. So could you please put it away?
00:46:39I
00:46:44Played an assassin once on Millie the werewolf hunter. I learned how to cut a jugular in one move real quick
00:46:51You weren't really the werewolf hunter guest star my first big role
00:46:55I thought I recognized you remember the move I did on that jock turned hairy beast
00:47:01I'm sorry. I didn't hey you in the backseat open the door get out. We're on the 405 now
00:47:08You two pee we go. I
00:47:15Played nice with you because you're just a pasty little dweeb who is probably gonna grow out of this in a few years
00:47:21But I am done playing games
00:47:23You have till the count of three to open the door and get out of this car or the knife
00:47:30Got it one two
00:47:39Oh
00:48:01Hey, hey Samantha, do you have Humphrey?
00:48:05He's totally safe and sound so what the fuck did you drag me into this in the first place
00:48:09Is this just cuz I nicked your paint job? Okay. Okay. I didn't think it would be this bad. I
00:48:15Just thought I would enlist you. I needed help
00:48:19But I had no idea honestly how far this would go and how fast and I'm really sorry Sam
00:48:26But I'm gonna I'm gonna make it right. I'm gonna fix everything and and then
00:48:31And then
00:48:39What I do know is that I made a promise to bring Humphrey home safe
00:48:43Okay, well come by and we'll talk and we'll figure out the best thing to do. I have to do a show later
00:48:49Well, I would love to go but I have this really cute dog. I have to keep two eyes on so
00:48:56I'll tell you what after your show. Why don't you come by and
00:49:01We'll discuss I'll let you know no promises, okay
00:49:11So it's not meticulous discipline mistress is gonna kill us when she finds out
00:49:22What are we gonna do now
00:49:30What's an understudy
00:50:01I
00:50:11Want your tickets 18 bucks Jesus. Oh
00:50:17Wait, it says 15 with student discount, but you have to have an ID
00:50:21I don't have 18 bucks
00:50:25Okay, you wait in the bushes and text me when she comes out again you can't have your cell phone on in the theater
00:50:30It's totally rude
00:50:32seriously
00:50:34People whose phones go off in theaters should have their eyes ripped out of their sockets and served as penance to the performers
00:50:48Somebody
00:50:55Nobody
00:51:00Everybody loves me
00:51:10Oh fury signifying nothing
00:51:14I
00:51:27Like to thank the Academy I told myself I wouldn't cry
00:51:38You people out there in the dark
00:51:41You're the stars
00:51:44For everyone that's ever had a dream. I'm ready for my close-up
00:51:57Welcome to Hollywood
00:51:59Oh
00:52:08Wicked what do you guys say to tequila?
00:52:17Excuse me, we're gonna get some guys to buy us first. I don't know what bars you go to. Oh
00:52:23My god, Nina Musi died. Are you coming out?
00:52:29What someone just posted it did you know her?
00:52:59You
00:53:29I
00:53:54Don't know
00:53:59I
00:54:29I
00:54:59I
00:55:11Found a friend of yours. Hello. I'm free and I prepared for you one of my world-famous
00:55:19cosmopolitans
00:55:23What do you think oh
00:55:25Do not tell me you've had better. That's not possible
00:55:29I'm more of a gin kind of gal, but this is not okay. Come on in. Okay, you want to see the tour?
00:55:36There's a tour. Yes
00:55:39How many tourists been here? Oh, you're the very first. Yeah. Yeah. No, this is my gallery
00:55:52You like it I
00:55:54Mean, you know, it's just so the the whole place the whole house is so like so Baroque, you know
00:55:59and and I feel like ever since I've got I've been trying to
00:56:02Give it a facelift
00:56:04But that sounds pretentious this actually this right here is an original leaf caring
00:56:13Yeah, it's pretty cool right it's almost kind of dizzying if you look at it for a while these two are Caroline Maxwell
00:56:18I just really like her stuff. It's really pretty these two angels. I
00:56:23Made them
00:56:25Yeah, yeah, well I took a bronze working class and I molded them with q-tips
00:56:33I didn't they were here. I like them. I said, I'll keep the angels the bronze angels. You want to see upstairs?
00:56:43Okay, okay. Well, these are the stairs
00:56:48He already knows the lay of the land so sure
00:56:52What?
00:57:04Call the mistress
00:57:06And you ready for this even better in the boudoir. I have an actual
00:57:12biscuit hat
00:57:14Biscuit hat in the boudoir. Are you trying to get into Andy Warhol's pants?
00:57:19He is dead. I've heard
00:57:23You
00:57:36Wow, wow, that's amazing
00:57:53Wow
00:57:57Wow
00:58:06Over here. I have a Jorge lip switch
00:58:19Oh
00:58:23That's a
00:58:24Action, it's custom-made. It's a water memory bed, right? Cuz you know, like a water bed is too is too wavy, right?
00:58:31So this is a water mattress
00:58:33combined with memory foam coils to create a truly
00:58:36Truly restful sleeping experience. That's not like a commercial
00:58:46Oh, come on, I don't like God
00:58:50This bed is like heaven
00:59:08I need you to tell me the truth first
00:59:15Distracted
00:59:20Full story no bullshit
00:59:24Okay
00:59:32Five years ago
00:59:38Okay story later
00:59:50It's hard to get traction on this thing
00:59:55Surface this type of activity
01:00:02For
01:00:20Oh
01:00:29This is bad
01:00:42My my my see the spider to the fly
01:00:50Look what I found in the kitchen my mistress Oh
01:00:56Herman this is for your new
01:01:19Serpent says the fruit is sweet. If you eat off it you shall gain knowledge
01:01:38Drink of its power. All you see should be yours
01:01:49Oh
01:01:56You want breasts like this
01:02:13We're not so different now
01:02:19You
01:02:23Cut people to make me young and beautiful I use my web to make believers
01:02:30Yes, my mistress
01:02:33Yet again
01:02:35What you have is all fake you make people plastic a
01:02:40Hollywood set piece
01:02:43It is all about what other people see
01:02:49But what I have is all real
01:02:52from a body
01:02:54To what I give to earn the devotion of my followers
01:02:58Because I do not give them something to see I give them something
01:03:04to feel
01:03:07To feel
01:03:10To feel
01:03:32Where did you put it Herman
01:03:35I
01:03:38Where do I have to cut it is it here or here?
01:03:46Are you going to tell me
01:03:54I
01:03:55Didn't actually put the chip in the dog Melinda
01:03:58Did you call me that you think I'd actually put the chip in the dog, I just told you that why
01:04:03That would be just like you
01:04:05You always a bit of a sadist. I'm actually more of a masochist. That's why we lasted as long as we did sweetness
01:04:17I
01:04:20Don't want to hurt him. I love him my ex-husband Herman
01:04:26He's infinite sickness
01:04:28He has stolen my microchip and put it in the keys
01:04:33You stole her microchip. I did but you put it in Humphrey. No, I didn't put it in Humphrey
01:04:38I just did it to mess with her. How could you even do anything that would risk?
01:04:42He wanted the dog, but he was my dog. You didn't even want the dog. You gave the dog to your mother
01:04:49I did not give him to her and ask her to take care of him
01:04:54And she just wouldn't give him. I love that dog. There's nothing left to do but to
01:05:00Slice him open and find out don't store to just tell her where it is
01:05:06Always with you in the end Melinda everything sacrificed to your career our marriage now
01:05:11And now the only thing you've ever actually loved even slightly
01:05:17And it was a cage work free
01:05:21But you tried to cut off my wings she was a stripper when I met her I was a dancer
01:05:30I have always been
01:05:34You always do this you try to bring me down ever since I was a little girl
01:05:41I dreamed of being
01:05:45Dancing on stages across the world
01:05:50I
01:05:54Can see my dream living my dream inside out
01:06:03This is my test
01:06:08Are you ridiculous I
01:06:10Made her I gave her everything and finally after having got what she wanted
01:06:15She divorced me and then took half of everything I'd earned plus Humphrey. Is that fair?
01:06:22Is that fair?
01:06:26My dear love is not fair I
01:06:30Will personally make sure that charges are brought up against you cruelty to animals is illegal
01:06:36I will call the papers. I will write blogs. I will inform my city councilwoman. You are too much
01:06:42She needs a muscle. No, there were some the mafia when it comes to revenging animal cruelty
01:07:13I
01:07:17Have changed my mind
01:07:20It's better
01:07:26Whatever she does, I'll fix it for free
01:07:34So he can't hear you scream
01:07:38Belinda wait, I'll tell you everything you want to hear
01:07:43I
01:07:53Where is the chip the chip is in Humphrey's left ear
01:08:13No
01:08:20No, even a dog can know what I know
01:08:27Love
01:08:30Is
01:08:42You
01:09:12You still look really pretty I
01:09:20Think I can get loose. Oh, yeah, I was uh, I was thinking might be kind of sexy to
01:09:28You know pick up where we left off
01:09:32No, you might be kind of kinky for sure, but I think you might Edward enjoy Herman. Mm-hmm you
01:09:39Whatever your name is
01:09:42Thank you for not letting your insane ex-wife cut my face. I really I appreciate that
01:09:47Well, I do understand wanting to get revenge
01:09:50but
01:09:52You know what? I think I had even forgiven you. We're almost loaning my partner and then leaving her to get shot
01:10:02Where'd you get the knife I won it off of a goth kid. It was a fair fight, too
01:10:12I mean, I guess I could have forgiven anything to be with a charming handsome doctor who totally turned me on. Oh, yeah
01:10:20Even if he was a petty vengeful liar
01:10:23sucked fat for a living
01:10:32But I draw the line at dogs I
01:10:35Could never be with anyone who would intentionally in danger a dog
01:10:42Okay, so you you can forgive me for putting you and your partner in moral danger, but not a dog
01:10:49Yeah, I
01:10:54Like dogs better than people because I think that they are better than people
01:11:05You want me to untie you
01:11:07Are you listen to this as I think you are I don't know we can try it and see and maybe untie after
01:11:16Samantha
01:11:37Leaving
01:11:44Samantha
01:12:07Oh
01:12:37You
01:12:47She was a star
01:12:50Everybody knew her. You don't think I was being an attention-whoo or
01:12:57She would have loved it
01:13:01An eight-minute impromptu
01:13:04Stairway to heaven
01:13:07And you have the voice of an angel
01:13:09Oh
01:13:34Do you mind so hard for me to get up
01:13:40I
01:13:43Can't come to work tomorrow. I
01:13:48Booked something
01:13:50Really with a cast. That's why I got it
01:13:54They needed real people who've been permanently disabled by gun violence
01:14:00Aren't you supposed to heal entirely?
01:14:03Cabin, I'll have stars
01:14:06Even if they're physical
01:14:11Congratulations, well, even when your life is shattered you have to go on with the show, right?
01:14:23Maybe I should get another dog
01:14:26Let's go down to the shelter and get you a little
01:14:29rescue beagle
01:14:31Or a cockapoo or a shih tzu
01:14:34And you can call it Nina. She would love that. So you would hate that
01:14:40I'll do it anyway
01:15:02And
01:15:11With the juice of this I will streak her eyes and make her full of such hateful fantasies
01:15:16Take thou some of it and seek through this Grove a
01:15:21Sweet Athenian lady is in love with a
01:15:25disdainful youth
01:15:26Annoying his eyes and do it when the next thing he
01:15:30Espies
01:15:32Maybe the lady
01:15:37No, I got this I got the rest of this
01:15:43So
01:15:44You'll come see us when we go up
01:15:47When you go up two weeks
01:15:49plenty of time
01:15:50so
01:15:52You'll come see me. I always see Shakespeare, you know that
01:16:00I think we should get a bet out of this or maybe take it as a hint
01:16:09No, Sam, I'm trying to say something here
01:16:16Do you think that we can give us another chance
01:16:24But honey, we can't afford a new mattress
01:16:30Look I think it's better that we just play married on TV. We're actors after all
01:16:35It's best not to confuse movie love with real love. You don't even know what real love is. I do
01:16:44A dog's love
01:16:47Pure loyal unconditional
01:16:52That's real love. I
01:16:56Can't love like that
01:17:00I can't do it
01:17:09You guys are back in five
01:17:29I
01:17:47Played the glockenspiel. It was a summer evening
01:17:53That's clear at cellophane
01:18:00As charming as James Bond
01:18:11We wrote a carousel
01:18:13Without a brazen ring the wind was in our faces. We didn't mind the sting
01:18:19We kicked a soda can we shared a cigarette a little fretting ginger a dash of chocolate
01:18:28Something we know the orange
01:18:37Like the summer
01:18:54Within our bones
01:18:57Within our bones
01:19:27I
01:19:29I
01:20:00Listen slut, don't you fucking yap your mouth? Hey, will you call it a slut you little ass white?
01:20:08Sorry, sir, that's really good. Sure. What a catch. Yeah, I don't think I want to catch what's been going around
01:20:19Well, what's been going around could change Sam
01:20:22Fay will you get my marijuana?
01:20:37I need more medicine