Speaking about her sister's battle against depression, Alia Bhatt broke down at We The Women summit hosted by Barkha Dutt You can watch the full video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_9MDHdUo_Q&feature=youtu.be
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00:00I'm just very nervous that I'm going to start crying any minute because the minute we start
00:07talking about my sister.
00:08It's okay to cry.
00:09Okay, I have to come and sit.
00:10I'm just very nervous that I'm going to start crying any minute because the minute we start
00:41talking about my sister.
00:44It's okay to cry.
00:45No, but...
00:46It's okay to cry.
00:47It's not.
00:48Not when I start crying, I don't stop.
00:51So...
00:52We will cry together, really.
00:56It's okay.
00:59Why do you feel so emotional because even when Shaheen first wrote this book...
01:02Okay, I have to come and sit.
01:06You need to tell this audience why you're feeling the way you're feeling because I know
01:19that when Shaheen first went public with her battle with depression, you cried then too.
01:24And it did something inside you and you felt like you didn't know, you hadn't noticed,
01:29you didn't understand.
01:30I think that's what makes you cry.
01:36I guess the thing is that I just feel, I feel extremely proud.
01:42There's this feeling of feeling extremely proud, heartbroken and overjoyed at the same
01:52time.
01:53It's contradictory many emotions.
01:55Exactly.
01:57Even though I've lived with my sister for my whole life, that's twenty-six years, I
02:04only understood Barkha after reading her book what she was really going through.
02:08And that makes me feel on so many levels, so, so, as in, I mean, I would not use the
02:16word ashamed but I feel so terrible as a sister, like I feel like I was, I didn't put myself
02:23out there enough to understand her, to think about what she must be going through.
02:29And also what makes me really emotional, makes me very emotional is because I've really always
02:37believed that she's the most brilliant person in my family and to some extent she's never
02:43believed that about her own self and you can correct me if I'm wrong but that always broke
02:49my heart.
02:50It really, really broke my heart because she is and not just me, everybody in the family.
02:55Like when Shaheen walks into the room and like, oh, you know, the star is here, the
03:00shining star is here because she genuinely with her mind, with her, you know, her emotional
03:06quotient, the ability she has, the way she makes you feel, it's another, it's of another
03:13extreme and…
03:14How did you reach that point of strength?
03:16Because it takes strength to write this book.
03:18The book is with me.
03:19Please read it.
03:20Please pick up a copy if you haven't.
03:21It's called I've Never Been Unhappier and it's really a brave and moving book, really.
03:28I honestly, again, I've also struggled with people calling it brave or courageous.
03:31No, it is brave.
03:32You may struggle with it but accept the fact that very few people would write about their
03:38lives with absolute emotional transparency and if you don't want to call that brave,
03:43then let me call it brave.
03:44Okay, I'll take that.
03:47I mean, okay, but the reason I think I struggle with that as well is because on one hand I
03:50feel like I've kind of been raised to be slightly transparent in general.
03:54My family is like that.
03:55My father is like that.
03:56My older sister, Alia, also to a huge degree.
04:00So it doesn't…
04:01To me, it doesn't feel like I'm putting myself out there in that way and I also feel
04:06like a part of it is selfish.
04:08Why I've done it?
04:09Why?
04:10Why?
04:11Because I feel like I was done hiding.
04:13I was done sort of pretending to be this whole other person that I was not.
04:19Walking into a room and pretending that I have it all together, like even walking out
04:22here right now, I was like, Alia, tell them I'm scared because I feel like for me that's
04:26the most important thing.
04:27I'm done trying to come out here and pretend, you know, this is…
04:30I'm so used to this and I know how to…
04:32I don't and so it is partly selfish because I wanted…
04:36I was done.
04:38So for me, this is slightly kind of forcing myself out into the open and dealing with
04:42my insecurities and sort of laying them all out on the table.
04:45And I read a really lovely line somewhere which basically said that when you're ashamed,
04:49you can't tell your story and telling your story is the foundation of identity.
04:54So not being able to talk about who you are, I'm afraid, you know, like I'm scared,
04:59like my…
05:00I'm always afraid, you know, and that's fine but it's helping me sort of claim who
05:04I am as a person.
05:06Alia, your elder sister says you don't have to feel the way you do but I actually understand
05:11what you're feeling.
05:12You're feeling like maybe I could have made her feel better.
05:15Maybe when she didn't want to go out for dinner, I could have stayed back and spent
05:18that evening with her.
05:19But is there also that sense of, and I know this happens a lot that when one sibling is
05:25kind of more out there, more comfortable, more social and the other one is a little
05:28more withdrawn, is there slightly that sense of guilting yourself about it?
05:34Like how have you coped with this?
05:36Because when something like what Shaheen is battled with happens, it's not just her battle,
05:40it becomes a family's conversation, it becomes a family's battle and it plays out in different
05:45ways for all the family members.
05:48Well, yeah, I think to a certain extent, even though I want to…
05:56Like for example, today we were coming here and we do a photo shoot.
06:00I mean, actors have to do a photo shoot before they leave their house because we dress up
06:04in…
06:05Have to, is it?
06:06Yeah, because we dress up in clothes that don't belong to us.
06:07We have to pick a post to give them credit, you know, so otherwise you don't get as big
06:13designer brands later and stuff.
06:14So you have to now become a norm.
06:15I love you Alia for your candor.
06:16It's become a thing.
06:17You have to post.
06:18So we were doing a photo shoot and I did my poses, this and that and I could see Shaheen
06:22was there doing her makeup and stuff and she was getting uncomfortable.
06:25She's like, can we leave now, can we go now, can we do this now?
06:28So as simple as me pushing her to, I said, Shaheen, your book is releasing, we need some
06:33pictures of you, you know, because there's going to be some press around the books.
06:36Nobody knows…
06:37Nobody has any pictures of you.
06:38They have one black and white image of hers, which is beautiful, it's my favorite image
06:41of hers.
06:42But I would like to have more pictures of Shaheen out there so she can promote her book,
06:46which it's not only for her, people deserve and people should know that this book is coming
06:50out and it's all of that and what it speaks about, etc.
06:53So as simple as… as simple as me being like, Shaheen, go, smile and their pictures were
06:59being taken.
07:00I said, you're looking so pretty, you're looking so lovely and she was just getting conscious
07:02and I'm like, Shaheen, just… just go, be… push yourself in the moment.
07:07So there was a certain feeling of, I don't know how much to push, you know.
07:10So there were days where I would, you know, that she… like every time like my mom and
07:15her and me would be free, it's like, okay, let's go out, Shaheen.
07:18And she'd be like, no, I don't want to go out.
07:20And to a certain extent, you understand, but I'm sorry that I'm saying this, but I'm being
07:25totally honest, as a human being, you get little irritated.
07:29So I feel guilty for feeling irritated with her.
07:32Yeah.
07:33You know, like there was a time I remember we went to Viva Maya.
07:36There's this like spa in Austria, where you go to lose weight.
07:41So we all went, as a big happy family who love to eat food, you want to go lose weight.
07:45So we went.
07:47And we would basically have a couple of things to do in the day, but otherwise it would be
07:52very boring.
07:53So I wanted to go out, I wanted to hike, I want to take a cycle and so on the way, I
07:56was like, Shaheen, we'll do this, we'll do that, we'll do this, we'll do that.
07:58And she was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
08:00And when it came to it, and I went to her room, and I said, come on, I'm going cycling,
08:03let's go cycling.
08:04She's like, I don't want to go cycling.
08:05And I'm like, but we just decided so, you know, in moments like those, it's human to
08:11get irritated with your sibling, which is okay.
08:14I don't think she wants to be treated with kid gloves.
08:17I don't think so either, but you know, when I read the book, and also to a certain extent,
08:26I also have those days when I'm like, I don't know whether I can say this, but PMSing.
08:31Of course you can say it.
08:32Yeah, right.
08:33It's we the women.
08:34Yeah.
08:35We can bloody well say PMSing.
08:36So I also have those days when I'm like, PMSing, we're like, I don't want to meet anybody.
08:39And I'm like, everybody hates me and I'm just like the worst person in the world and like,
08:42you know, all those things.
08:43It's everything's really dramatic at the time.
08:45And I've had those moments with her and I go and I, she lets me cry, she lets me be,
08:50because to a certain extent, she feels that not just once a month, you know, she feels
08:56that on a regular basis.
08:57So I felt guilty that I don't have that same kind of understanding.
09:02I may not show it to her.
09:04But the fact that my mind was irritated, I feel guilty about that.
09:08How many years did you live with this?
09:10And did you have those moments when you felt that I don't want to live?
09:15So it's been 20 years now.
09:17For me, depression is chronic.
09:20Even now?
09:21Even now.
09:22I was talking about having times when I don't want to live that happened to me a couple
09:26of months ago.
09:27And I hadn't felt that way in a really long time.
09:29It had been a really long time since those thoughts and those feelings came back.
09:33But they came back.
09:34But I've learned...
09:35So you have felt suicide?
09:36Of course.
09:37Yeah, I attempted suicide when I was 17 or 18 as well, 2005.
09:43Yeah.
09:44Did anyone in your family know?
09:45No.
09:46I mean...
09:48This is a difficult conversation and I'm just so grateful to these sisters for being willing
09:58to have it.
10:08It's tough for Alia, but it's really brave of Shaheen to actually sit here in front of
10:12I don't even know, 600 people, 700 people, and say that she thought of not living.
10:19Alia, did Shaheen's experience and living with it change your understanding of something
10:27that you may not have even thought about?
10:30Before Shaheen wrote this book and you read it and you understood what your sister had
10:34lived with, maybe you had misconceptions about why people are depressed.
10:38Maybe you interchangeably thought it's the same as being sad, which all of us are.
10:42So I'm just wondering what that journey's been like for you.
10:45Yeah, it definitely changed my...
10:50The way I looked at people feeling depression, anxiety as well.
10:56I have actually come out and spoken about days where I also feel like I was feeling
11:01this inexplainable low, which even still now I'm still not understanding.
11:06I keep discussing it with her, like, I don't know, I'm not sure, but again, I may relate
11:10it to a monthly feeling or whatever, hormones, etc.
11:15But now when I feel that way, what I know is that it's okay to say, like it happened
11:19to me recently where I was having a bad day and I called up my manager and I said, listen,
11:23I'm having a bad day.
11:25Can we cancel this meetings and can we tell them that Alia's not feeling good?
11:30She's feeling low.
11:31Like don't say that I'm unwell, just say, don't say I have like a stomach bug or something,
11:36just say that I'm feeling low.
11:37You didn't feel the need to pretend and pretend that it was something else.
11:40And the response I got for it was very like, people were like, the meetings that I cancelled,
11:45it's okay, we understand.
11:46So there is a certain waking up to it.