Becoming a Better Jax
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00:00You know, if you know me, I'm the life of the party.
00:03I'm the leader of the group.
00:04I have a group chat of guys, all my friends, and I'm kind of like the head of it.
00:08I'm the one that controls the situation.
00:10I've always been the lead singer of the band.
00:12I'm always the lead singer.
00:13I'm the number one guy in the group, right?
00:14And I always have to be that way.
00:15If I go somewhere, I have to be the life of the party.
00:18I have to control the situation.
00:19I have to be larger than life.
00:21So now I'm taking a back seat and I become now the guy who plays the triangle, you know,
00:26the guy in the back who plays the violin.
00:27And I'm okay with that.
00:28It's hard because I'm so used to being Jax Taylor, this alpha male who's larger than
00:33life.
00:34But that guy doesn't exist anymore.
00:35He just, he can't exist anymore, or he's going to die.
00:44The most rock bottom part is when we separated, when she left.
00:47So I don't know how many months that I was on that house.
00:50I don't know if you guys can tell me.
00:51I don't know.
00:52I was in my house by myself for a good three to four months.
00:56The fact that I'm still here after that physically is crazy because I wasn't eating, I was drinking
01:02and I was doing enough cocaine to kill a small horse.
01:05So I was just depressed.
01:09I was so depressed.
01:10I lost.
01:11I just felt like I lost everything.
01:12So I was like, fuck it.
01:13I'm just going to drink.
01:14And, you know, I was just sad.
01:16I was just really, really sad.
01:17I think about that sometimes and I'm like, Jesus, I could probably buy a house for the
01:22amount of money I've spent on drugs.
01:26It's sickening to me.
01:27It's sad to me.
01:28It's because my parents did not raise this kind of person.
01:32You know, this all took place when I left home and I became such a different person,
01:37you know?
01:38And for me, in the beginning, in the beginning, it was when I was younger.
01:45Yeah.
01:46I love the feel of it.
01:47It was getting high.
01:48Now, towards the end, I was doing it just to stay awake because like, you know, we go
01:51out at night and I'm like, I'm in bed by nine and 30.
01:54If I'm not doing something, like I'm going to need something, I'm going to need a quick
01:57fix.
01:58Hey, who's got it?
01:59I need it.
02:00Like, and I personally don't think I'm an alcoholic.
02:02I think the both go hand in hand.
02:05So I can't have a drink.
02:06If I have a drink, I'm looking for a bad cocaine.
02:08Like, so I had to quit both.
02:09I had to quit both.
02:10I think my mental health issues definitely drove me to do drugs.
02:14Now, drugs and alcohol are never the problem for anybody.
02:17We're using this to mask our issues.
02:19Okay.
02:20So we're using this.
02:21I lost my father.
02:22You know, I've gone through some, some crazy my life where, you know, I don't want to think
02:27about it.
02:28I'm like, okay, let's just drink and let's, let's mask it for two hours, you know, because
02:31that's basically how long that drug lasts.
02:32And then you just, you're paying for it for the next 48 hours of the come down.
02:36And that's the part that just kills you is that come down.
02:38But for those two hours, I'm okay.
02:40And I'm not thinking about bills or finances or divorces or, you know, my father's death
02:45or not talking to my mom, like all these issues, right.
02:48You're living in Hollywood and trying to, you know, make sure people like you and then
02:53you're coming across the world has changed in the last five years.
02:56And like the old Jacks doesn't exist anymore.
02:58I have to revamp myself, you know, to be somebody that's a little bit more acceptable.
03:03Yes, my mental health has struggled, but I'm working on it a lot right now.
03:07I go to therapy.
03:08I have an amazing therapist.
03:09I kind of continue on with, I went to a place called site clarity for my rehab.
03:13So I'm continuing going there with my therapy.
03:15They had been absolutely amazing.
03:17And like I said, the gym, believe it or not, is a great place of therapy for me.
03:21I'm there six days a week, two hours, and it's just me and the iron.
03:24I just love to work out and lift and, and, and just research health and get into it.
03:29I'm just, I love it.
03:30I will never ever talk negatively about Brittany.
03:33I just, I come from a place where you just don't talk about your significant other publicly.
03:40Am I angry with some of the things that she's done?
03:42Absolutely.
03:43Is there a lot of things out there that you guys don't know?
03:45Yes, there's a lot.
03:46Takes two to argue.
03:47Okay.
03:48Takes two to fight.
03:49And, um, I know a lot of my stuff is, is out there and I know she's said a lot of things
03:55publicly about me.
03:56Is it deserved?
03:57Probably.
03:58Yeah.
03:59Um, the things that she said to me that you guys have heard, uh, is hurtful.
04:06It's hurtful.
04:07Um, you know, if it was so bad all these years, why did you stay all these years?
04:16If it was so bad, why did you ask me to have another kid last year?
04:20If it was so bad three months prior, why did you ask me to have sex with you?
04:24Like if it was so, you know what I'm saying?
04:26This is the problem I have a hard time with.
04:29These three things.
04:30Okay.
04:31So I know I angered you a lot, but you know, I'm not blaming, but I'm like, why didn't
04:39you say, Hey, why don't we go to therapy?
04:41Why don't we fix this?
04:42Or why don't we go away and like, let's figure out these problems.
04:45And I, I'm not putting it on her at all, but I just, we're in a marriage as a team
04:51thing.
04:52You're your partners.
04:54And I felt like, I felt like I lost my partner a little bit, you know, I think she lost hers
05:00too, you know, and I felt like we were just so in deep at that point that we just kind
05:05of threw in the towel.
05:06I think both of us threw in the towel and I think she was just so hurt that she was
05:10just kind of throwing daggers, you know, and just didn't care.
05:14There were scenes that I just couldn't even get through.
05:16I had to walk out because I was crying.
05:18I'm like, the things she was saying to me were so, they were so bad, they were just
05:23so bad.
05:24And they were, do I, like I said, I deserve a lot of it, but man, some of the things she
05:28said with me, like just gutted me, just gutted me.
05:31I think, I can't believe I'm probably gonna kick myself for saying this, but I really
05:35have to thank Brittany.
05:36I gotta be honest.
05:38I don't think I would be here right now if Brittany didn't, you know, take actions in
05:45her own hands and be like, you need to fricking go to rehab.
05:48I'm going to call everybody and anybody to make sure you get your ass in there.
05:53Whether she was mad at me or not, putting me in there was probably the best thing that's
05:59ever happened.
06:00Yeah.
06:01I need, yeah.
06:02Yes.
06:03I'm in a very, very good place now.
06:05Obviously I got a lot of things to work out mentally, but as far as like my health and
06:10that part of me is okay.
06:13So yeah, I have to thank her because like I said, I wouldn't be here today probably
06:16if it wasn't for her.