Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Knight to Queen's Bishop five.
00:03Oh, very nice.
00:05What's Leonard gonna do?
00:06Does he give up the pawn
00:06or does he give up the position?
00:08Let's find out.
00:09Leonard, ready?
00:12Ready.
00:14Go.
00:15Okay.
00:39Damn it, I slipped.
00:41Too bad, you know the rules
00:41the rules of Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Chess.
00:44Now, Leonard died again, Sheldon.
00:47You're up.
00:48Despite my deep love of chess, lasers,
00:50and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit.
00:53Why?
00:54Because it's almost 11 o'clock.
00:56So?
00:57So Penny has a don't knock on my door
00:59before 11 o'clock or I punch you in the throat rule.
01:01Oh.
01:06Hey, you know what would be a great idea?
01:08We get some girls over here
01:10and play Laser Obstacle Strip Chess.
01:14Believe me, Howard, any girl who would be willing
01:15to play that, you don't wanna see naked.
01:20You underestimate me.
01:40Yes!
01:43Sorry, guys, but Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Lunch
01:46is just stupid.
02:04What are you, are you seeing?
02:05The living room appears to be empty.
02:07Okay, he must be in his bedroom.
02:09My spare glasses are in my bedroom,
02:11on my dresser, next to my bat signal.
02:15I'm not going in there.
02:17Raj?
02:18No way, Jose.
02:20Look, I can't do it, I can't see anything.
02:22It's all right.
02:23Wireless mini-cam and Bluetooth headset
02:26will be your eyes.
02:29Fine.
02:30One more thing.
02:32This is a subsonic impact sensor.
02:36If Sheldon gets out of bed and starts to walk,
02:39this device will register it
02:40and send a signal to the laptop.
02:41At that point, based on the geography of the apartment
02:44and the ambulatory speed of a sick Sheldon,
02:45you'll have seven seconds to get out,
02:47glasses or no glasses.
02:49Won't my footsteps set it off?
02:51No, you'll be on your hands and knees.
02:53Now, you'll need to get the sensor
02:55as close as you can to Sheldon's room.
02:56But how do I carry it if I'm on my hands and knees?
03:05Stay low.
03:07Bare left.
03:08Now, keep true.
03:09What?
03:10It means go straight.
03:11I didn't just say go straight.
03:13You don't say go straight when you're giving bearings,
03:16you say keep true.
03:19All right.
03:24I just hit my head.
03:26Because you didn't keep true.
03:31Okay, turn right.
03:34The picture's breaking up.
03:36Angle your head to the right.
03:39Now, a little more.
03:41A little more.
03:43That's it.
03:44Now, just keep true.
03:48All right, you're close enough to Sheldon's room.
03:50Deploy the sensor.
03:53Now, turn it on.
03:55It wasn't on?
03:56No.
03:58Then why did I have to crawl?
04:01Oh, I guess you didn't.
04:06Okay, it's on.
04:08Good.
04:08From this point forward, you will have to crawl.
04:13I know.
04:18Hang on.
04:19The sensor's picking up something.
04:19Turn your head back.
04:27You rat bastard.
04:31Told you the sensor would work.
04:34Why?
04:36You deliberately stuck me with Sheldon.
04:38Come on, I had to.
04:39You see what he's like.
04:40Betty, Betty, I'm hungry.
04:43Uh, it's okay, sweetie.
04:45Good news.
04:46Leonard's home.
04:46No.
04:47Here you go.
04:48Good luck, bye.
04:49Wait, wait.
04:50Leonard, I'm hungry.
04:52Wait, Penny, take me with you.
04:54Sorry.
05:05I want grilled cheese.
05:08I never realized this building was classified.
05:11Maybe that's because it's classified.
05:17Wish we weren't so far from my parking space.
05:19The way you put away those lemon bars,
05:21perhaps that's a good thing.
05:23I'd like to reinstate the you not talking rule.
05:26Why?
05:27It clearly doesn't work.
05:31I guess this is it.
05:33Is that a retinal scanner?
05:34Let's find out.
05:37Howard Wolowitz, access granted.
05:40No way.
05:41Who is this?
05:42My turn, my turn.
05:44Leonard Hofstetter, access granted.
05:46I didn't even have to take my glasses off.
05:53Access denied.
05:55In your nose!
05:57Oh, oh, oh, guys, hold me upside down.
06:08Howard Wolowitz, access granted.
06:10All right, we've got a titanium deadbolt
06:13and a reinforced jam controlled
06:14by a state-of-the-art electronic access system.
06:17What if they cut the power?
06:18There's a 200 watt uninterruptible backup power supply.
06:21What if someone steals my keys?
06:23There are independent voice and fingerprint scanners.
06:26What if somebody kidnaps me,
06:27forces me to record my voice,
06:28and then cuts off my thumb?
06:31I'll send them a basket of muffins.
06:35Now, inside we've got motion detectors,
06:38infrared sensors, and cameras connected to a server
06:43running state-of-the-art facial recognition software.
06:45Well, where did you get all this stuff?
06:48Got a buddy over at the Department of Defense.
06:50He just gave it to you?
06:52Sure he would've if I'd asked.
06:55Ironically, their security isn't all that good.
07:00Oh, gosh, your car is blocking me.
07:01Get out of the way!
07:03What the hell?
07:04Sorry, what are you up to?
07:07Wonderful security system
07:09if we're attacked by a school of tuna.
07:12Don't worry, the net's gonna be electrified.
07:14You picture her on the floor, spasming uncontrollably.
07:18Better.
07:38Hey.
07:48Oh.
07:51Oh, dear.
07:55I am the master of my own bladder.
07:58Oh.
08:14Bladder buddy.
08:15Bladder buddy.
08:16Bladder buddy.
08:19God, Sheldon!
08:25What the hell are you doing out there?
08:29I heard a noise.
08:33It was us.
08:34We knocked over a lamp.
08:36Why would you knock over a lamp?
08:38We were gonna...
08:39He doesn't need to know what we were doing, Leonard.
08:43Oh.
08:46No, she's right.
08:47I don't need to know what you were doing.
08:49Carry on.
08:51What are you doing?
08:52Use the door.
08:54Good thinking.
08:55Good thinking.
08:57Perhaps I'll check the perimeter and make some warm milk.
09:00Great.
09:01You do that.
09:02Would you like me to bring you some warm milk?
09:06I'm lactose intolerant.
09:08And you don't wish to alarm me with any more loud noises.
09:10Very thoughtful.
09:13More milk, Penny?
09:14No, thanks.
09:16Fine.
09:17Good night to you, sir.
09:19Miss.
09:23Sorry about that.
09:24What can you do, sir?
09:44Looks like Wolowitz got the net electrified.
09:47Sheldon?
09:48Are you okay?
09:49I'm fine.
09:51I'm no longer the master of my own bladder.
09:58Hey, ready for lunch?
09:59One sec.
10:01Is that the prototype drive system for the high-G rover?
10:04No, Bernadette got me a Fitbit so she can track how much I'm exercising.
10:11That'll teach her to care about your health.
10:14I can't wait to see the look on her face when I die young.
10:18When was the last actual exercise you got?
10:20The other day when she tried to put that Fitbit on me and I ran away from her.
10:25According to a recent study, simply thinking about exercise even while sitting still can have physical benefits.
10:31For all you know, I could be exercising right now.
10:33Are you?
10:34Nah, I'll do it tomorrow.
10:37Wouldn't be the worst thing if we were more active.
10:40You make an excellent point.
10:47Oh, I think I'm getting a runner's high.
10:50Howie?
10:53What's up?
10:55Why does your Fitbit say you ran 174 miles yesterday?
11:02It's nice to get back to nature.
11:05But why don't I do this more often?
11:11What a beautiful forest.
11:14Oh, hello little butterfly.
11:19What's your name?
11:22What you doing?
11:23I was enjoying some virtual reality.
11:26You ruined it with your actual face.
11:29What am I smelling?
11:31Oh, it's car air freshener. I was simulating the smell of the forest.
11:36It's not what the forest smells like.
11:38Well, how would I know?
11:40Why are you pretending to be outdoors? You hate it.
11:43Amy showed me a compelling study that demonstrated the cognitive benefit of spending time in the wilderness.
11:49Buddy, I am ready to drive you into the wilderness anytime you want and leave you there.
11:54Let's see the new phone.
11:56I stopped on the way to work.
11:58Do you want to peel the plastic off with me?
12:02Really, me?
12:05It's like the best part.
12:06It's like the best part.
12:08Grab a corner.
12:10Oh, what's your hurry, cowboy?
12:13Savor the moment.
12:28Oh, yeah.
12:30Speaking of cowboys, do you know what country has not one but two cows on its flag?
12:37The tiny landlocked nation of Andorra.
12:40Oh, the next classic episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags is riding itself.
12:47Oh, let me try the voice recognition.
12:49Hey, I let you peel the plastic. Don't get greedy.
12:56Hello?
12:57Hello?
12:59Hello.
13:02What's your name?
13:04My name is Siri.
13:06Look at that. There's finally a woman in your life you can talk to.
13:11Are you single?
13:13I don't have a marital status, if that's what you're asking.
13:17You're right. That's too personal. We hardly know each other.
13:22How about a cup of coffee?
13:24I found six coffee shops. Three of them are fairly close to you.
13:29I will see you gentlemen later.
13:38She is going to break his heart.
13:41First door on the left.
13:51Dave, I found six vacuum cleaner repair shops in your area. Four are fairly close to you.
14:01Hello, sexy. What can I help you with?
14:13If you'd like to make love to me, just tell me.
14:22I'm sorry, I don't understand.
14:28No!
14:31Okay, we're headed out. See you later.
14:33Hi, Joel. Before you leave, could you help me test these noise-canceling headphones?
14:36Yeah, sure.
14:40Go ahead.
14:41Hello, can you hear me?
14:47Sheldon, I haven't changed the filter in the water pitcher in two years.
14:53Bernadette's nickname for you is the Virgin Piña Colada.
15:01Your George Lucas autograph is really a me autograph.
15:05Once I was too lazy to walk across the hall, so I used your toothbrush.
15:12Oh, and one time when you were asleep, Amy totally took off her, and that's why you're the best roommate ever.
15:19Aww.
15:21Now I'm sad I didn't hear it.
15:24Ready?
15:25Begin.
15:34Okay.
15:52Why'd you pop it?
15:53I'm sorry, I was aiming for your heart.
15:59Perhaps this is a waste of time.
16:01Sheldon, you're a remarkable scientist.
16:04Just be patient. I'm sure you will find the breakthrough you've been looking for.
16:09And if you only do solid research instead of making a groundbreaking discovery, what does it matter?
16:16Only do solid research?
16:19I come to you for help, and you insult me?
16:22I thought the least that you would do would be—
16:23Look, your anxiety levels are right in the zone.
16:26Really? Oh, that's fantastic.
16:28Now wait, they're dropping. Why are they dropping?
16:30Because you're happy they're elevated.
16:32Oh, that is infuriating.
16:34Oh no, they're going back up again. Terrific. Oh no, they're going back down!
16:40This may seem a little odd at first, but over time you'll grow accustomed to dealing with me in this configuration.
16:49Yeah, to be honest, I don't see much difference.
16:52Thank you. That's what I was going for.
16:55Now, Leonard, tomorrow when we go to work, you'll need to allow some extra time to get me down the stairs.
17:02For your convenience, I disassemble into four pieces.
17:07This is ridiculous. I'm coming to talk to you.
17:09You don't know where I am.
17:12My physical body is safely ensconced in a secure, undisclosed location.
17:18You're in your bedroom.
17:19No, I'm not.
17:21I can hear your voice coming from your bedroom.
17:25No, you can't.
17:29Wait. Come back.
17:31Halt. Authorized personnel only.
17:37So either one of you weirdos want to buy my underwear? Only 1,400 bucks.
17:47Sheldon, this is ridiculous.
17:49Sheldon, this is ridiculous.
17:51I'm behind you.
17:53Please look at me when you're talking to me.
17:56I am looking at you.
17:58No, you're not. Pay no attention to that man in the bed.
18:02You cannot exist as a virtual presence. Not here and certainly not at work. Oh, good God.
18:08At my age, do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die?
18:12At the hands of your roommate?
18:15By accident.
18:16That's how I'm going to make it look.
18:18Until I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed.
18:25Fine. But don't expect my help.
18:27You have to help. It's in the roommate agreement.
18:29No, it's not.
18:33Section 74C.
18:36The various obligations and duties of the parties in the event one of them becomes a robot.
18:43I'll be damned.
18:49Sheldon, we're working here.
18:51That's all right. I can barely hear you from my theremin.
19:02Well, that was a little uncalled for.
19:04No, that was completely called for.
19:06We need quantum physics.
19:08Quantum physics?
19:09Quantum physics.
19:10Quantum physics.
19:11Quantum physics.
19:12Quantum physics.
19:13Quantum physics.
19:14Quantum physics.
19:15Quantum physics.
19:16Quantum physics.
19:17That was all called for. We need quiet.
19:19So your project is more important than mine?
19:21Well, seeing as your project is to sabotage my project, yes.
19:25Don't beat around the bush, Leonard.
19:27If you don't want me here, just say the word and I'll leave.
19:35Could have beaten around the bush a little.
19:38Hey, guys.
19:39Oh, Stuart Good. I was wondering, will you be accepting Bitcoin?
19:43Well, I don't know what that is, but it's got coin in it and my cash register doesn't.
19:47So, yeah.
19:51What's Bitcoin?
19:52It's a new online currency that's been developed.
19:55It's just like actual money, except you can't see it, hold it, or spend it on anything.
20:01Sounds like the kind of money I'm familiar with.
20:06If it's not tangible, how do you know it's not just going to vanish tomorrow?
20:09Really? You're dating Penny and you're going to poke at something that could vanish tomorrow?
20:15I'm nice in Bitcoin. I just came into a little extra money when my dad raised my allowance.
20:21You don't have to buy Bitcoin. You can mine it.
20:25Mine it? Like mining gold?
20:27Sort of. There's a limited amount and we find it not by tunneling into the earth,
20:31but by using a computer to solve complex mathematical problems.
20:35So, let me get this straight. We have to write an elaborate program in order to find a fake coin that we can't spend on anything?
20:41Yes.
20:42That sounds fun.
20:44Yeah, I'm in.
20:45Staying up late, writing code, it sounds like a party.
20:49Hey, Stuart, you want to mine some Bitcoin with us? We'll write the program, you bring the snacks?
20:53Too rich for my blood.
20:56Alright, so just the four of us.
20:59Before we begin, this may have some unprecedented tax implications.
21:03In fact, we should start early because we're going to be on the phone with the IRS for hours.
21:08Did anybody else just get goosebumps?
21:11Great, so just the three of us.
21:14Made you a little something.
21:16Didn't have to do that.
21:17Well, it was fun. I used some of the jewelry techniques you taught us.
21:23It's a lightsaber belt buckle.
21:27This is so cool. Thanks.
21:29Oh, it gets better.
21:34Wow.
21:36And that's not even the best part. See, I have one too.
21:43Check it out. You can wear yours and we can have little sword fights whenever we want.
21:57Oh God, that feels so good.
22:04Yeah, that's the spot. Oh, baby.
22:08Howard, dinner's ready!
22:11I'll eat later, I'm busy!
22:15Oh, yeah, just like a real hand.
22:25Hmm.
22:28Hey, Howard, what's going on?
22:29What's going on?
22:32Hold on, Howard, Howard, slow down.
22:35The robot hand is stuck on your what?
22:41You're not going to believe this.
22:47You slipped and fell into a robot hand.
22:53Yes.
22:55Penis first.
23:00Yes. Now help me.
23:02I'd suggest a lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on some of that as well.
23:07Not funny, Leonard.
23:08Really? A robot hand's got a death grip on your junk, dude. That's funny, ask anyone.
23:14Wait, before my mother walks in, get this off me.
23:17Okay, let's see.
23:18No, no, don't touch. The program is paused.
23:20Well, then let's unpause.
23:21No, no, I loaded the wrong program. The hand thinks it's holding a screwdriver in outer space.
23:24If you continue the program, it's going to start twisting.
23:30Okay, come on.
23:34Almost there.
23:41Don't tug, no tugging.
23:43Next time, take your own advice.
23:46Excuse me, could you help us out?
23:49My, my, my, what do we have here?
23:54I slipped and fell.
23:55Yeah, we get that a lot.
23:58What is this?
24:00It's a robot arm.
24:03Where's the rest of the robot?
24:05I only built the arm.
24:07Because that's all you needed, right?
24:11Can you please just help me?
24:14Alright, alright, hang on. Stay calm.
24:19I need an orderly with a wheelchair. I got a robot hand grasping a man's penis out here.
24:25Could you be a little more discreet?
24:27I'm sorry, we don't have a code for robot hand grasping a man's penis.
24:33Why is it hooked up to a computer?
24:34It's what controls the arm.
24:36But it's frozen.
24:37Did you try turning it off and back on again?
24:40No, you see, it's more complicated than that.
24:42No, wait!
24:43Wait!
24:51Winnie the Pooh is out of the honey tree.
24:56Okay, that's it. Let's boot it up.
25:00Booting.
25:02This is a state-of-the-art simulator. I adapted it from something a friend of mine designed for the army.
25:06Is that why I appear to be in downtown Fallujah behind the wheel of an up-armored Humvee?
25:11I haven't configured it yet.
25:14Let's see. Bradley tank, transport truck, Batmobile.
25:19No!
25:22Here we go. Red 2006 Ford Taurus on the streets of Pasadena.
25:28What?
25:29Statistically, red cars are stopped by police far more often than any other color.
25:33Not when he hassles with the fuzz.
25:37Fine. What color do you want?
25:39You know the pale blue of Luke Skywalker's lightsaber?
25:44Before it was digitally remastered.
25:49Black it is.
25:52Okay, now what you want to do first is turn on the ignition and shift into drive.
25:56I haven't fastened my seatbelt yet.
26:01Okay, fasten your seatbelt.
26:10Click.
26:13Now, are there airbags?
26:14You don't need airbags.
26:16What do the simulated van rear-ends mean?
26:18I'll hit you in the face with a pillow.
26:29Okay, now shift into drive.
26:31Pull out slowly into traffic.
26:34Ow!
26:36Watch out! Watch out!
26:41Hit the brakes! Hit the brakes!
27:00Sorry. Excuse me.
27:03My bad.
27:08Student driver!
27:11How did you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale Galleria?
27:16I don't know.
27:17I was on the Pasadena Freeway. I missed my exit.
27:20Flew off the overpass and one thing led to another.
27:25Maybe you want to give it a rest and try again tomorrow?
27:28No. I quit.
27:33Ow!
27:38Oh, the pet store.
27:42Remind me to compliment Wallowitz on the software.
27:44That's amazingly detailed.
27:48Hmm.
27:49This is nice.
27:51Sort of like floating in space.
27:53But better because my eyeballs haven't frozen.
27:57Ooh, colors.
28:00It's infinite iterations of the Nautilus section of the Mandelbrot set.
28:07That's some good stuff.
28:13Wow.
28:14This is really dark.
28:16There's no difference between my eyes being open or closed.
28:20Open. Closed.
28:22Open. Closed. Nope. Same thing.
28:26Ooh, pretty.
28:28You winning a Nobel Prize would be an inspiration to all women.
28:32All women, Amy. And you're blowing it.
28:36I was going to be a scientist.
28:38But since you lost, I'm just going to give makeup tutorials on YouTube.
28:48Look at all the infinite Mandelbrot sets.
28:51Here-brot, there-brot, everywhere Mandelbrot.
28:54Everywhere Mandelbrot.
29:00Thanks for letting us down.
29:01I'm going to marry a dope and have his dopey children.
29:04You're such a disappointment.
29:05I can't do science.
29:06Way to not go, girl.
29:07Disappointing.
29:08Math is too hard.
29:09I am woman. Hear me bake.
29:11Disappointing.
29:12You're letting us down.
29:13You're letting us down.
29:14Disappointing.
29:15You're blowing it.
29:16Thanks for nothing.
29:17You're blowing it.
29:18Let me down.
29:20Okay, hours up. Let's see how they're doing.
29:25Hey, buddy. How are you feeling?
29:27Aw, five more minutes.
29:33Hey, Amy. Relax.
29:35I'm a failure. I can't do this.
29:40Can somebody close her lid? She's going to harshen my mellow.
29:45Oh, it's freezing out here.
29:48Do you like me to heat things up?
29:50No, I want to get in the hot tub before I lose a toe.
29:54Oh, that is bright.
29:56Yeah, a new neighbor put in floodlights.
30:00So, shall we?
30:03No, I don't want to take my robe off under a spotlight.
30:06This is a candle body.
30:09Hi, neighbors. We haven't met yet.
30:11I'm Andy.
30:12Oh, hello. Nice to meet you.
30:15Your new balcony kind of looks right over our fence.
30:18You might want to put up some trees.
30:20We can see everything.
30:22You can, but it's okay if you don't.
30:27So, can you turn your lights off?
30:29Sorry, they're motion censored.
30:31They'll go off in a minute. Just try to stay still.
30:35What are we going to do about this?
30:38I say we wait until his lights go off,
30:40and then I make hot, motionless love to you.
30:47Don't move. It's go time.
30:51Don't move.