Why I Retired from Chess

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Transcript

00:00I don't know if I've ever mentioned this in a video, but I certainly have on stream for the last few years.

00:06I retired from chess. It'd be like Tom Brady walking away after winning his first Super Bowl.

00:11And many people have felt the absence of Charles in the chess community for years.

00:17It's the whole reason I'm making this video, because people have been asking, when am I coming back?

00:22I'm still asked every single day on stream, when am I playing chess again? Have I been practicing? Why don't I play chess anymore?

00:29What's going on? I'm not coming back. I have permanently retired from chess.

00:34You can hang that jersey in the rafters, and the reason for it isn't because I fell out of love with the game.

00:40In fact, quite the opposite. I was too in love with the game. I was obsessed with it.

00:44I was living and breathing chess. I close my eyes, and I'm imagining the Sicilian.

00:50It was like, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was thinking about chess more than Garrett thinks about pussy, and

00:57eventually, I just concluded that this was really bad for my soul.

01:03So I had to pop the needle out of my veins and just cold turkey quit chess altogether, because I was pulling

01:09tons of all-nighters, just spamming puzzles and spamming the ladder, and it was just taking its toll on me.

01:16I was just constantly chasing the high

01:20from the fucking chess tournament where I made history with the throbbing mate, checkmating XQC in six moves.

01:27That is my version of that dude that peaked in high school playing quarterback for the state championship.

01:33Like, that right there is a moment 50 years from now

01:36I'll be telling my grandkids about, and I'll be showing them, like, black-and-white footage of the day that it happened.

01:42Like, still probably one of my favorite memories next to, like, being born. Not that I remember that,

01:47but that was a pretty important moment in my life, I would say. Point is, I loved chess.

01:52Too much. There'd be some days where I'd spend, like, nine or ten hours just doing puzzles,

01:59watching chess theory, and

02:01playing games on the ladder, and I would, like, forget to eat. Like, it was, it was pretty bad.

02:07Like, it really was, like, a full-blown red-alert addiction, and

02:13honestly, if I was just more intelligent and more gifted at chess,

02:18it would have been a really productive addiction with the amount of hours I was pumping into it.

02:22I could have been getting up to, like, the 2k, but I was plateauing and truly stuck at, like,

02:301,100, and I could never get beyond it. So I wasn't really, like,

02:35progressing or anything.

02:36It's just, I felt like Sheen in Jimmy Neutron when he gets, like, the giant megamind.

02:41Like, it was just being crammed full of, like, chess information and theory,

02:45but I lacked the talent to actually utilize it properly and climb and get really good at the game.

02:51So I just stayed in, like, the 1,100

02:55Elo hell, and I could not leave. And unlike other games with Elo hell,

03:00it was entirely my fault, and I couldn't deal with that.

03:03Like, I couldn't handle not being able to push the blame onto teammates or factors outside of my control, because

03:10unfortunately, chess is the great equalizer. If shit goes tits up, you got no one but yourself to blame.

03:17I couldn't use any excuses for my inability to climb, and that just, that hurts.

03:22That sucks, when you have to take that hard look in the mirror and realize it's you that's preventing you from achieving the greatness.

03:31I didn't like it. I didn't like that reflection.

03:33So, I spent way too many sleepless nights playing the game, and it was just, like, I started to feel miserable,

03:39and I was, like, always mad, like, on edge.

03:43Like, it just wasn't worth it. Like, I'd go to dinner with my parents from time to time,

03:47and I'd be watching, like, chess on my phone. Like, especially if there was a tournament going on,

03:52I'd be, like, studying Grandmaster moves as if I could ever do anything like that, and, like, these really

03:57complicated checkmating patterns that I would never actually see. Like,

04:01it was, it was, it was a lot. So, I stopped, and now I have to do my best

04:08to, like, not fall off the wagon, because if I watch, like, too many chess videos in a week,

04:14it's like the Green Goblin's Mask calling out to Willem Dafoe. Like, I can't fight the urge.

04:19And I have relapsed a couple of times, but luckily I've

04:23maintained enough, you know, strength of will to pull myself away after, like, a day or two of starting to spiral, and now I

04:31just live with that little demon on my shoulder that will occasionally whisper the sweet sounds of a couple of chess games.

04:38I actually, a few months back,

04:40I was at a bar, and they had, like, a chess board set up there for some reason, and

04:45one of my buddies asked me if I wanted to play a game against him. I was like, no, no, I

04:49shan't. I couldn't do that, because I knew just that one little

04:54casual over-the-board match would have been enough to send me on a degenerate week-long

04:58spiral of, in my fucking shit-stained underpants, doing nothing but playing chess in my dark room.

05:05And, I gotta tell you, it was very enticing, because when someone did take him up on the challenge,

05:10he mentioned that he plays the scotch opening. And I heard that, and I started sweating bullets. I started profusely

05:17sweating. Like, freaking out. The scotch?

05:21But, I fought it off, and now I've maintained my sobriety.

05:26Point is, I retired from chess, not because I, you know, fell out of love or had no more passion for the game,

05:33but it's because I just had a complete obsession with it that was detrimental to my health.

05:39Like, I am, like, competitive, and, like, for the most part, like, I'm a pretty competitive guy,

05:44especially, like, when it comes to eSports and everything like that. And chess was just this perfect cocktail of

05:49everything that tickles my brain, that makes me get really serious about it.

05:55And I'm at my happiest when I'm just mediocre at every game that I touch, because then I can get a little, you know,

06:03heated on rivals when I'm climbing in Grandmaster.

06:06But, you know, I'm not there under this notion that I'm going to reach, you know, one above all, you top-ranked player or anything.

06:13So, in Rivals, I'm not out there studying everything, and I'm not spending 10 hours, 12 hours a day doing nothing but, you know,

06:20labbing, like I was with chess. Chess was just this really special beast that was consuming my life, like,

06:29legitimately. Most of my waking hours were spent

06:32practicing chess and learning as much as I could, and then making things in between training sessions.

06:39So, it was just, it was a lot, and I just don't have the, the

06:45strength of will to casually play chess,

06:48so I don't, like, hop on for a few games here and there. Because the second I do,

06:52it's a Winter Soldier event. I'm fucking flipped on, and I go right back into, like, trying to climb to 2k.

06:58Which just didn't make me happy. Like, I wasn't happy

07:03playing that much, staying up that many sleepless nights in a row,

07:08striving for that goal.

07:09You know, so it just, it wasn't, it didn't make sense for me. In a lot of ways,

07:14and I've done, I've compared it to this on stream,

07:16it was like when I was heart addicted to League of Legends. League of Legends,

07:21and I feel like a lot of people relate to this specifically with League, League of Legends is a game where you'll put tons and

07:26tons of time in to climb to whatever goal you want to achieve, and

07:31when you fall short, that shit sucks. It can just put a damper on your day. Like, having one

07:3745 minute game that ends up going the other team's way, you lose.

07:41Man, that shit just really feels bad. You wasted so much time,

07:45you're now backwards from where you wanted to go, and then it puts you in tilt mode, you queue up again,

07:51and it's probably going to be just as bad the next time around. Like, it's just one of those things where it was never

07:56really making me, like, excited. Winning wasn't feeling super good, because I'd always be focused on things that I did wrong in the match.

08:03Like, oh, I had a hanging Bishop in the early game.

08:05I didn't play the opening as well as I should have. I could have won earlier, this and that.

08:09So winning wasn't feeling great. A similar phenomenon happens in League, where you'll win, like, an absolute fucking

08:15slobberknocker, and you'll be like, damn, that doesn't feel good, because we could have won 10 minutes earlier.

08:20I had to carry a bunch of stinkers. So, winning didn't feel great, but losing felt

08:26devastating. That's the kind of

08:28cycle I got in with chess. So, I prefer to, like, have fun, and

08:34my obsession with the game made it stop being fun.

08:37Which is why I ultimately decided to just stop, you know, indulging in chess as much as I was. So, yeah,

08:44I don't stream it anymore. I don't play in tournaments.

08:47I do still keep up with chess. Like, I do still watch events in moderation.

08:51I don't want to overindulge, but I do still, for the most part, pay attention, because I

08:57really, really, really like chess.

08:59So, yeah, that's about it. Yeah.

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