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FunTranscript
00:00:00oh my god she's insane what are you doing here
00:00:17you set me up you stay away from me you're insane
00:00:21i can't let you ruin my wedding miss leanne you and asher are you're a great couple i'm sorry leanne
00:00:36but you've gotta go
00:00:41they say that sex ruins everything
00:00:52oh and sometimes they're right how was that baby awesome
00:01:00we done here yeah i think i did my job
00:01:14are we done here yeah baby you're the best you were amazing was it good for you
00:01:22awesome what's your name again
00:01:26money we need to talk what i'm breaking up with you
00:01:34what do you mean you are breaking up with me i mean i'm breaking up with you
00:01:40this isn't working out goodbye money
00:01:46i can't do this anymore what do you mean you were breaking up with me
00:01:49i mean i'm breaking up with you this isn't working out but take care of monique
00:02:03what am i doing
00:02:05hmm
00:02:12so i tell her dude that's not a pickle that's an okra like seriously
00:02:21so she goes totally bonkers on my brother i mean i don't even know what i saw in him in the first
00:02:26place how about you and i and you're just excuse me for a moment i'll be right back
00:02:38so i was thinking how about we get out of here and go back to my place sorry uh i'll be right back
00:02:56oh damn it i'm so sorry oh my god asher yeah what are you doing oh you're drowning my sorrows
00:03:11here same do you wanna grab a drink
00:03:15oh sure
00:03:21how did i ever lose touch with my undergrad bff uh life i guess we should vow to never let that
00:03:28happen again pinky spray pinky spray friends forever stop doing that
00:03:38we should vow to never let that happen again pinky spray
00:03:41pinky spray friends forever stop doing that
00:03:52thank you oh what about work i actually just started a new job i'm doing marketing at genguard
00:03:59small world they're our biggest client no way wait what do you do i work at a software
00:04:07development startup hey that's cool
00:04:18what about your love life what what about your love life oh my god years of bad sex
00:04:26with jerks a lifetime of one night stands with shallow women cheers mate
00:04:31hey
00:04:35how about we
00:04:38stop it no hey we're friends well if you ever do want a nerve-shattering orgasm i'm your man
00:04:47sex ruins everything yeah i suppose you're right
00:04:51i'll be your wing woman though and i'll be your wing man
00:05:21so
00:05:41i can't remember the last time i had this much fun
00:05:44i can't remember the last time i laughed this hard i think i peed myself a little bit
00:05:51i have that effect on women
00:05:58i forgot how pretty you are thanks i think
00:06:05let's never lose touch again
00:06:07so
00:06:11friends forever
00:06:14friends forever
00:06:37so
00:06:48uh
00:07:06so
00:07:11uh
00:07:35let's do that again
00:07:41oh my god what are you doing here i don't know what am i doing here oh my head
00:07:56my head feels like there's fingernails resting on my brain
00:08:00hey that made sense for here what no no no no no no no no bad idea what last night was a bad idea
00:08:15why because asher you're one of my best friends
00:08:20so
00:08:22fuck sex ruins everything i suppose you're right
00:08:28but still but still
00:08:33i have a proposition what friends with benefits sex without strings
00:08:43you do you i do me and we do each other
00:08:51interesting
00:08:59okay sold
00:09:00and benefits
00:09:04so
00:09:28and i'll need the marketing report for the fourth quarter
00:09:34hello ladies asher
00:09:44you two know each other yeah uh we are we know each other from college he's one of my best friends
00:09:53what are you doing here he's here to see my father wait what daddy owns the company
00:09:58you i know i actually own the company i work at he's worth billions and here i thought i knew
00:10:06everything about you i've been busy since college clearly listen gotta run but talk to you later
00:10:16sure good to see you beth you too
00:10:23oh what a man
00:10:35what's this i took the liberty of drawing up a forensic benefits contract
00:10:40a contract it outlines the parameters of our relationship okay article one nobody knows
00:10:48it might get in the way of us seeing other people good point article two we meet at a
00:10:53mutually agreed upon place at a mutually agreed upon time okay article three honesty and transparency
00:11:01are a must agreed article four no lies no lies
00:11:11article five once one party sleeps with another person the agreement is over
00:11:20i don't like that one gets too complicated otherwise
00:11:26fine
00:11:27okay and finally
00:11:34friends first friends first
00:11:48let's eat
00:11:56so
00:12:26so
00:12:43no i think the wife did it and i think you're insane no you dude
00:12:50stop it
00:12:55will you go out with me what on a date like will you go on a date with me a real one no
00:13:06what i mean no the contract i forget the contract no friends first remember
00:13:16sex romance it ruins everything
00:13:23asher you mean way too much to me for that
00:13:36no
00:13:40come on
00:13:45friends first
00:13:53friends first
00:14:01so see you at seven tonight yes you will
00:14:20he asked me out he asked me out breathe breathe i've been crushing on him for so long
00:14:28on asher yes he asked you out yes on a date yes yes yes will you grab a coffee with me
00:14:36later because you two are such good friends you can give me some tips oh um yeah okay i gotta go
00:14:46getting a mini patty ready for the big plate i'm totally freaking out
00:14:52bye
00:15:02where was he born philadelphia philadelphia uh favorite food um
00:15:09um he likes hot fudge sundaes
00:15:17i like your pen i've never seen that color before
00:15:20daddy has a made for me special it's my favorite color heliotrope purple
00:15:25what about sports
00:15:29but why don't you just ask him this yourself on your date
00:15:32i can't do that if i'm gonna marry this man he's gotta think we're meant to be
00:15:38married you got a problem with that
00:15:47why the two of you never hooked up anyhow me and asher
00:15:54no no no never he's we're we're friends we're best friends good by the way i love your outfit
00:16:04where'd you get it oh mason's on third super cute okay let's carry on uh siblings
00:16:15and being an only child i was an only child as well really cool anyhow being an only child
00:16:23my parents sent me to art camp in philadelphia i was born in philly shut up it's my favorite city
00:16:31where was the school um i
00:16:38can i interest you in some dessert
00:16:45how about we um share a hot fudge sundae that is my favorite dessert
00:16:55i can't believe how much we have in common
00:17:01i had a wonderful time i really hope we can do this again that would be great good night
00:17:13oh my okay thank you
00:17:21i should really head out thank you uh take care why don't you come up
00:17:29and i will fuck you it's within an inch of your life
00:17:36i don't think that would be such a good idea why because i've sworn off one night stands
00:17:45i'm a one night stand no no it uh that's not what i meant it's just sex ruins everything
00:17:51uh let's wait so it can be perfect yeah
00:18:02yes
00:18:06okay toodles
00:18:09you
00:18:14beth who is nice we have a lot in common
00:18:22are you jealous no
00:18:26no
00:18:30did you um did you sleep together no but not for lack of her trying
00:18:39beth she's an animal oh god stop it besides i don't want to ruin our arrangement
00:18:48not for beth you don't yeah my days of one night stands are over i want to wait just in case she
00:18:54is the one you never know i want to get off on the right foot
00:19:05i'm never getting married
00:19:08i'm ready to settle down
00:19:13oh you do you to each his own agree did you steal my fudge
00:19:21maybe
00:19:27it's my strawberry
00:19:35that was rude
00:19:51so
00:20:08you do not have feelings for asher you will not have feelings for asher true love does not exist
00:20:18you will only get hurt he is your friend don't blow it friendship first
00:20:26leanne lamont you do not have feelings for asher you will not have feelings for asher
00:20:32true love does not exist you will only get hurt he is your friend don't blow it
00:20:38friendship first
00:20:44leanne lamont
00:21:09hey shit i'm so sorry my bad my fault hang on
00:21:24you got a tissue
00:21:29here let me hey what are you doing stop cock-blocking me oh i didn't realize hey asher
00:21:38eric
00:21:42okay well see you guys later
00:21:49here thank you
00:21:53um i'm leanne by the way i'm eric
00:21:57you
00:22:05that was fun yeah it was that fun or was eric fun
00:22:12both okay you gotta watch out for him he's a player
00:22:17so what think i can't handle myself no that's not what i'm saying
00:22:22oh my god are you jealous no i'm not jealous why would i be jealous
00:22:30we're friends with benefits remember yeah you don't have to be a dick about okay i'm
00:22:38not being a dick you're just making another bad choice i can handle myself yeah fine be that way
00:22:52you know maybe things are getting too complicated
00:22:56maybe we need to end this arrangement maybe you're so shut down that you can only date asshole men
00:23:07maybe you should go fuck yourself
00:23:11maybe i will
00:23:23flops for mrs leanne lamont that's me oh my god thank you
00:23:36i'm eric
00:23:43what are you doing here i had a meeting with best dad
00:23:50that's from eric yes
00:23:57they're nice
00:23:58listen um i'm really sorry about last night i was out of line no no i was out of line
00:24:11i'm so sorry about the slap oh my god yeah i deserved it
00:24:20yeah i deserved it
00:24:26friends forever
00:24:29friends forever
00:24:33dinner later sounds awesome
00:24:49oh it's just i'm just so happy you know leanne i think i like asher a lot
00:25:08i think he could be the one oh i think i'm falling in love you've only just started dating
00:25:15have you ever had a connection that's just so deep so immediate that you just know
00:25:25yeah that's us you know he told me he wants us to wait for sex
00:25:33he says he wants to build a strong foundation first
00:25:37i hope you're not jealous oh no i don't know i i just want him to be happy
00:25:47by the way i love your lipstick it's so unique what color is it
00:25:52i love it anyway gotta go toodles
00:26:07why are you so down what's wrong
00:26:12nothing famous last words is it attic
00:26:17like of course not how's beth by the way she thinks that you're gonna settle down with her
00:26:26yeah you never know
00:26:31give me your hand i'll tell you what's gonna happen come on okay okay this is your lifeline
00:26:41it's long if you have a nice long life okay this is your headline for wisdom
00:26:50and looks like you have done some stupid things
00:26:58and this is your love line so you've got a rocky beginning over here
00:27:05but you have a long line of love ahead of you
00:27:09do
00:27:32you want to go home and fuck great idea
00:28:09You
00:28:29Looks like we had fun last night. Do you have a key?
00:28:39Oh
00:29:04Nice trick, right? Yeah
00:29:10Who is that? I have no idea. Hello your front door was unlocked
00:29:31That's
00:29:34How could you
00:29:37Beth wait Beth. Oh fuck. What have I done?
00:29:45What do you mean what Beth it's not what it looks like
00:29:59Hey, what are you doing? I'm leaving. I'm getting dressed. I'm going I'm feeling kind of yucky. I'm sorry. Okay
00:30:06You didn't do anything. It was me. I fucked up
00:30:09You said it wasn't serious. It wasn't it isn't it doesn't matter. I fucked up whatever it is. It was I fucked it up
00:30:17Okay, I
00:30:21Guess it's time for us to end this friends with benefits thing
00:30:30Yeah
00:30:36Princess
00:30:42Princess
00:30:59Go away
00:31:01I
00:31:05Need to talk to you I
00:31:08Fire her except he said we'd get sued
00:31:11You on the other hand, I don't speak to you ever again. It's not what she's saying
00:31:16Okay, it was a stupid game friends with benefits, but it's over now. Okay, I promise
00:31:21Do
00:31:29You love her of course not okay, she means nothing to me
00:31:37Yeah, I want to see what happens between us you and me
00:31:43Please give me another chance
00:31:52I'm supposed
00:31:56Okay
00:32:11Leanne it's me again. Don't know why you're avoiding me. I'm so confused friends forever remember
00:32:22I
00:32:24Eric hi, I'm sorry if it's been a while and I've been out of touch but I
00:32:32Would love to see you again if you're up for it
00:32:43Sure sure, it's me. I haven't heard from you in like four hours. What's going on?
00:32:49Are you with Leanne call me?
00:33:04Okay, Leanne, I don't know what I did to drive you away, but I'll leave you alone now
00:33:10If you ever want to be friends again in order to find me
00:33:19I
00:33:35It's Eric leave a message hey Eric I
00:33:41Just wanted to say that I had a great time the other night and I wanted to see what you were doing later
00:33:46Sure sure, where are you? Why won't you call me back? I know you're with her you lied to me
00:33:55Okay, miss you call me bye
00:34:03Beth I got your 35 messages
00:34:08Listen, I'd really like to get to know you better and spend some time with you
00:34:12But maybe we need to slow things down a bit. I'll call you when I can
00:34:43Oh, yeah, babe slow down
00:34:52To love wait love sucks
00:35:02Okay, I think we had enough
00:35:07How about we had back to my
00:35:10Hmm
00:35:13Fabulous
00:35:16Easy
00:35:39I
00:36:10You
00:36:17I'm just so happy to see you again. I'm sorry. I've been aloof just been going through some stuff
00:36:22You want to talk about it, baby? No, that's okay. Just life
00:36:26Zillian I don't want to talk about Leanne
00:36:30You know her and Eric have gotten hot and heavy I thought she wasn't into Eric
00:36:35Well when I was out and about this morning, I saw her leaving Eric's apartment
00:36:40I'm gonna look like her clothes from last night. No way. She would never he's a knob
00:36:47Just why I
00:36:50Grabbed a photo I
00:36:54Guess she's not the same you think she is
00:37:09You
00:37:39You
00:38:09You
00:38:11You
00:38:37What a fuck Leanne, how could you miss that?
00:38:40Sorry, I'm trying my best. Hey
00:38:44Your best isn't good enough. He causes the game
00:38:47Okay, hey, you've had too much to do woman. She can handle herself
00:38:53Remember that part of your life everyone sure the loser
00:38:58so embarrassing
00:39:02Fucking prick
00:39:04You
00:39:34You
00:40:04You
00:40:21Are you breaking up with me? I wouldn't call it breaking up. We only just got back together
00:40:29Beth
00:40:30We were never together, I mean we went out like six times
00:40:35You said you wanted to see where things went. Yes, and unfortunately they went in another direction
00:40:42I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you
00:40:45You're fired you can't fire me I don't work at your company and I own mine
00:40:52Fire Leanne you can't she'll sue
00:41:00And more than anything I truly hope that we can remain friends
00:41:30You
00:42:00You
00:42:30You
00:43:00I
00:43:27Can't believe you think I'm lying then
00:43:29How do you explain this to us? I don't know. I didn't send it. You've been sneaking around with Eric and
00:43:37Accidentally sent me a text
00:43:42I am NOT seeing Eric. Why would I cheat on you? You're you're my lover. You're my best friend
00:43:51Clearly I
00:43:55Am NOT a cheater I did not send that text and I don't know how it got there
00:44:00But if you want to break up over this then fine
00:44:07I do
00:44:12Okay
00:44:20You
00:44:50You
00:44:59Wondering if you prefer cream puffs or cheesecake for the dessert or both thoughts
00:45:07Please don't marry you don't love her. You're rebounding
00:45:12I
00:45:19Thinking chartreuse and pink for the bridesmaids thoughts a string quartet instead of a jazz trio thoughts
00:45:30They say he's the photographer to the stars
00:45:42You
00:45:49Seat your uncle Harold next to my second cousin once removed
00:45:52I think they'd really get along because it turns out that they both have the same dog. Did you know that it's crazy?
00:45:59Oh my god
00:46:12I
00:46:24Have tons of dresses and shoes to try on for you and there's more with the doorman. Could you run down and grab them?
00:46:42Oh
00:47:02You are gone at Leanne Lamont once I'm done with this he is never gonna want to see you again
00:47:13You
00:47:17Our relationship to you and your company is officially terminated effective now
00:47:23Wait, what?
00:47:26Our source indicates you've been selling Fallon industry secrets to our competitors. Who's the source?
00:47:36Oh my god, why would she do this?
00:47:40Lovers scorned I suppose. No, it's not true. This will ruin me, you know, Asher. I
00:47:47Have half a mind to call off your wedding to my betty wetty this weekend
00:47:51But you never speak to me again
00:47:56So I'm stuck with you mr. Fallon I
00:47:59Swear, this isn't true. It doesn't matter at this point. It's already in the trades
00:48:05You're toxic Asher
00:48:08Nobody will touch you
00:48:10So now you get your ass out of my office
00:48:22Asher bitch
00:48:24What?
00:48:25Jealous bitch. What are you doing? What are you I'm getting married to someone else on Saturday
00:48:31So you got jealous and decided to ruin me
00:48:34honey
00:48:36What are you talking about I
00:48:38Would never try to ruin you old job. Well done. Okay, let's just figure this out. Stay away from me
00:48:46Asher you're one of my best friends. We are not friends. Okay, we are nothing
00:48:54Stay away from me. Don't contact me. Don't speak to me. Don't look at me
00:48:59You are dead to me
00:49:29You
00:49:59You
00:50:29I
00:50:59I
00:51:29I
00:51:59I
00:52:12Didn't write this
00:52:18Heliotrope purple
00:52:21It was Beth
00:52:23She's been trying to break us up all along
00:52:25Oh my god
00:52:27Wedding's on Saturday
00:52:29I have to warn him
00:52:31Come on come on
00:52:33Asher
00:52:35Okay
00:52:37Come on
00:52:39Asher
00:52:41Asher
00:52:43Asher
00:52:45Asher
00:52:47Asher
00:52:49Asher
00:52:51Shit he blocked me
00:53:21Beth?
00:53:51Beth?
00:54:21Oh my god.
00:54:28She's insane.
00:54:30What are you doing here?
00:54:34Beth.
00:54:37You set me up.
00:54:39You've been trying to break us up, you bitch.
00:54:42I'd say you're in no position to be making accusations, but you're right.
00:54:47And I won.
00:54:50You stay away from me.
00:54:52You're insane.
00:54:57I'll scream.
00:54:58Nobody will hear you.
00:55:05Can't let you ruin my wedding, Leanne.
00:55:12I'm not going to ruin your wedding.
00:55:14I promise, Beth.
00:55:16Okay?
00:55:17You and Asher are... you're a great couple.
00:55:22He loves you.
00:55:25Why don't I just go away?
00:55:28I'll move.
00:55:30I'll quit my job, just... please.
00:55:35Don't hurt me.
00:55:37Okay?
00:55:38I'm sorry, Leanne.
00:55:42But you've got to go.
00:55:49I'm sorry, Leanne.
00:55:53But you've got to go.
00:55:56No!
00:55:58I can't...
00:56:00I can't...
00:56:02I can't...
00:56:04I can't...
00:56:06I can't...
00:56:08I can't...
00:56:10I can't...
00:56:12I can't...
00:56:14I can't...
00:56:16I can't...
00:56:18I can't...
00:56:20I can't...
00:56:51I can't...
00:56:56I can't...
00:57:01I can't...
00:57:03I can't...
00:57:06I can't...
00:57:10Don't bother.
00:57:11That pipe's in there good.
00:57:13You're not going anywhere.
00:57:17You're crazy.
00:57:19You're never getting away with it.
00:57:21Oh, but I will.
00:57:23See, I'm getting married today,
00:57:25and then we'll go on our honeymoon,
00:57:27and when I get back,
00:57:29you'll be dead.
00:57:32I hear starvation is a long
00:57:34and painful death.
00:57:39You bitch.
00:57:41You bitch!
00:57:43Fuck!
00:57:44Oh, and by the way,
00:57:46you're fired!
00:57:48Toodles!
00:58:18Fuck!
00:58:48Fuck.
00:59:18Fuck.
00:59:41No, no, no, no.
00:59:42Come on, come on, come on,
00:59:43come on, come on, come on.
00:59:45Come on!
00:59:48Fuck.
00:59:59Dearly beloved,
01:00:01we're gathered here today
01:00:03in front of God and these witnesses
01:00:05to join in...
01:00:06Stop.
01:00:09Dearly beloved,
01:00:11we're gathered here today
01:00:13in front of God and these witnesses
01:00:15to join in...
01:00:17Stop.
01:00:21What are you doing here?
01:00:22Keep going, fast!
01:00:23What's going on, Beth?
01:00:25Security, take this woman away.
01:00:27She's clearly deranged.
01:00:29Come on, dearly beloved,
01:00:30we are gathered here today.
01:00:31Let's go finish it!
01:00:32Mr. Fallon,
01:00:34your daughter wrote this letter.
01:00:36Not me.
01:00:38On which she forged my signature.
01:00:40What?
01:00:41That's completely absurd.
01:00:44Is this true?
01:00:46She's crazy.
01:00:47Security!
01:00:50She confessed to it all last night.
01:00:52Right after she tried to kill me.
01:00:56No, Asher, you love me.
01:00:58We're getting married today.
01:00:59Go, go, go!
01:01:02Go away, you crazy bitch!
01:01:04You're ruining everything!
01:01:10Go away, you crazy bitch!
01:01:12Go away, you crazy bitch!
01:01:14You're ruining everything!
01:01:16Beth, how could you?
01:01:18I did it for you, baby, for us.
01:01:20Get off me.
01:01:26I will kill you.
01:01:27I will kill you!
01:01:33Hey!
01:01:35Asher!
01:01:37No, no, no, no, no!
01:01:39Beth, why won't you take me?
01:01:41Asher, I will live your life if you let me climb!
01:01:48You okay?
01:01:51Yeah, I think so.
01:01:53Okay.
01:01:54Good.
01:01:55Dad?
01:01:56Can someone grab a chair?
01:02:01You okay?
01:02:03Yeah, I think so.
01:02:05Okay.
01:02:06Good.
01:02:07Dad?
01:02:09Can someone grab a chair?
01:02:15Babe.
01:02:16Hey.
01:02:17Wake up, babe.
01:02:18Baby, wake up.
01:02:19Baby.
01:02:20Hey, wake up.
01:02:22Wake up, baby.
01:02:23Man.
01:02:24Oh.
01:02:26Asher.
01:02:27Yes, it's me.
01:02:28And it's all over.
01:02:35I'm so sorry for everything.
01:02:38I'm more sorry.
01:02:40You saved me.
01:02:41You're my hero.
01:02:47Asher, I love you.
01:02:50I love you, Leigh.
01:02:57Let me help you up.
01:03:04But before I take you to the hospital,
01:03:07I have a question to ask you.
01:03:17Will you marry me?
01:03:22Yes.
01:03:23Yes.
01:03:24Yes, yes, yes.
01:03:30They say that sex ruins everything.
01:03:34But sometimes, it makes everything better.