Fantastic quests you missed in CD Projekt RED's masterpiece.
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00:00The Witcher 3 absolutely owns. You know this, I know this, but one positive trait that is often
00:06overlooked is just how funny it can be. So with that in mind then, I'm Josh from WhatCulture.com
00:10and these are 10 Hilarious Witcher 3 Quests You Totally Missed.
00:1510. Shock Therapy
00:17At a cave in Ard Skellig, Geralt will encounter a druid who asks for assistance. He'll inform you
00:23that a fellow druid, Egil, has suddenly and mysteriously gone mute, with none of their
00:29spells or potions doing the trick. He enlists the help of a witcher to scare Egil since
00:34eliciting strong emotions is said to be a cure for whatever ailment he has. By the time players
00:40arrive at this point in the game, they will of course be accustomed to receiving strange requests,
00:45so nothing seems too out of the ordinary at first. And with the promise of a rare Gwent
00:51card as payment, the job is pretty much impossible to refuse, unless you hate Gwent of course,
00:56in which case you need to get a grip. What follows then is Geralt playing cruel
01:01pranks on the druid to annoy him as much as possible. Extinguishing the fire after he lights
01:06it, setting some angry wasps on him, and rattling pots and pans when he falls asleep will all do the
01:12trick here. The druid will eventually speak again, but will be deeply upset with you and
01:17your shenanigans. And that's because it turns out that the druid was undergoing a vow of silence,
01:24which you were just tricked into breaking for a laugh. But hey, at least that new Gwent card
01:28will help alleviate the guilt, am I right? Not only does this side quest have an incredible
01:38pun title, Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Granite sees Geralt of Rivia set out on one of
01:43his strangest escapades to date as part of the Blood and Wine expansion. The quest can begin
01:48by picking up a notice or by stumbling upon a closed exhibition at Lolivia Square. Either way,
01:54Geralt will eventually be approached by a distressed man who asks for his assistance
01:58on a pretty sensitive matter. That's because it transpires that the genitals of a famous statue
02:04have gone missing, and it's up to Geralt to recover them so that the exhibit can be reopened.
02:09And with the missing treasured bollocks said to boost the sex drives of whoever holds them,
02:14anyone could be a suspect. Following the scent of the perparetus cologne back to their house,
02:19Geralt will find an older man having an impassioned affair with a young woman,
02:24with the stolen artefact being the cause for his rejuvenated spark. Plays must then decide whether
02:30to recover the stones or let the man make the most of his newfound mojo. Let him keep them though,
02:36and Plays will return later on to find that the man has died of what can only be described as a
02:42bad case of, to be polite, shagging himself silly.
02:49One of the free DLC quests added to the game, Fool's Gold can be started in the small village
02:54of Lurch, where Geralt will encounter a group of bandits happily roasting a pig that they claim
02:58to have caught in a village. One of the locals is devastated by the pig's death however, and after
03:04dispatching the bandits he'll tell the Witcher about the piggy magic that's taken over the area.
03:10Intrigued by the mystery, Geralt's investigations will take him to a sealed temple reached via a
03:16portal. Further exploration reveals that the pigs themselves roaming the village are actually the
03:21humans said to have gone missing as they were transformed into the animals for stealing cursed
03:26gold. With a little help from the remaining villager, Geralt solves this oddball mystery,
03:31though the funniest part of the quest comes when first exploring the temple. While there,
03:36Geralt encounters one of the pigs who understands what the Witcher says. What follows is a delightfully
03:42weird scene in which the monster hunter chats with a pig, and the pig uses grunts to answer
03:47yes or no to his questions. He can even feed the hungry pig some food if the player wants to.
03:53But yeah, Geralt can now add talking to animals to his extensive list of talents.
04:01When we first meet Geralt at the start of the game, he's hot on the trail of Yennefer,
04:05whose letter leads the monster hunter to the small region of White Orchid. But even with
04:10the pressing matter at hand as well as dealing with a pesky griffon upon arrival, there's no
04:14task that's too small for Geralt or the player, including helping a kindly old woman get her frying
04:21pan back. If players aren't spurred on by the urgency of Geralt's mission, they can discover
04:26said woman by a hut on the riverbank. She'll then tell the Witcher about an odd encounter that she
04:31had the night before, in which a stranger asked to borrow her precious pan, but failed to return
04:36it. Unable to break into the hut herself, she asks Geralt if he wouldn't mind retrieving the
04:41cooking implement for her. Thus begins a frying pan spick and span. However, after entering the
04:48building, Geralt discovers the scene of a murder alongside a pile of letters written using the soot
04:54scraped from the pan. The implication being that the deceased man was a spy. Even this quest journal
05:00entry mocks the banality of this task, as retrieving frying pans simply isn't as exciting
05:06as slaying monsters. And yet, if we got the quest, we certainly did it anyway.
05:14In The Witcher 3, developer CDPR's abiding satire isn't limited to tackling themes of monsters and
05:21men. The writers likewise took this epic fantasy setting and used it to give their thoughts on the
05:26gaming industry at large. Namely, the controversy surrounding Digital Rights Management, or DRM for
05:32short. This tongue-in-cheek allegory is the subject of the quest, The Tower Out of Nowheres.
05:38In it, Geralt will be informed by a group of disgruntled villagers that the sudden appearance
05:42of a tower is the reason for the non-stop storm in the area. And being a Witcher, he'll naturally be
05:48asked to investigate further. Upon reaching the tower, players discover the tower's newest owner
05:53sealed behind a barrier. Talking to him reveals that the tower has a Defence Regulatory Magikon,
05:59or DRM for short, that only the tower's original owner can't deactivate. The only teensy-wincey
06:06problem is that the former owner is now dead. It's therefore up to the Witcher to search for
06:11the only means to lift the lock. That being, a book known as Gottfried's Omni-Opening Grimoire,
06:18or GOG for short, which is in the real world, a digital store owned by the developers which
06:23was against DRM, so that the barrier can be unlocked. So yeah, well played CD Projekt Red.
06:29I have played this mission like twice and I've only just now got the joke.
06:36A quest that isn't marked on the map, Face Me If You Dare is one of the easier quests to miss
06:41entirely. And it's also one of the game's most hilarious encounters, so please check it out.
06:46While travelling through Velen, Geralt can stumble upon an emboldened knight standing
06:51near the bridge to Crow's Perch. His name is Ranvid of the Small Marsh, and he's on a quest
06:56to slay 100 knights to win the affection of a woman. Though Geralt is sarcastically dismissive
07:01of his challenge, Ranvid is insistent but ultimately proves to be no match for a seasoned
07:07monster hunter. However, the knight doesn't give up easily. He can be met again a few days later
07:13by the Tretagorg Gate, with a new shield and even better armour. But still, it takes more
07:18than new equipment to best a witcher, and he goes down again. Still, Ranvid isn't done,
07:23and players can meet him a final time in Novigrad, where he's enlisted the help of two thugs as
07:28backup. Geralt, by now grown increasingly annoyed with the knight's efforts, has the choice to
07:33either de-escalate the situation and send him home, or just fight him to the death and get rid of him.
07:39Either way, the player won't be dealing with this guy again.
07:42Number 4. Portrait of the Witcher as an Old Man
07:46The sunny lands of Tucson may be terrorised by a ferocious vampire, but the Blood and Wine DLC
07:51isn't all about bloodshed and massacres. In fact, there are plenty of lighthearted adventures to
07:56embark on, like the one we've already mentioned, and one of the better ones is a portrait of the
08:01Witcher as an Old Man. After completing the Warble of a Smitten Knight, head to the Market Square
08:06just south of the Grand Palace signpost, and you'll be approached by an artist who's struck
08:10by Geralt's distinctive physique and will want to use him as his next model. If Geralt agrees,
08:16he'll be tasked to meet the painter when the light is better, and the pair will travel to a prime
08:21location. However, this being a quest, Geralt will need to recover the artist's paints from
08:26some thieving neckers before they can properly start. After all that though, players will then
08:30be given a choice of how they'd like to immortalise the Witcher through the medium of art.
08:35Whether they choose posing on horseback, standing heroically with their sword, or just casually
08:41reclining, the outcome will be similar, and that's because Geralt will return the next day
08:46to discover that the artist had sneakily painted him with most of his clothes off. And, you know
08:51what, to be honest, I'd probably have it no other way.
08:57The bulk of The Witcher 3's humorous quests send players headfirst into bizarre situations
09:02to enjoy some fun in between the more serious plot beats. Paper Chase, however,
09:06is a little different. This time, the joke is on the player. Again, part of the Blood and Wine DLC,
09:12players can find this quest by talking to a vineyard owner near Trenton's workshop. It turns
09:17out that he actually owes Geralt payment from years ago and decided to place the coin in a
09:23savings account at the bank, which would have gained a healthy amount of interest by now.
09:27All Geralt needs to do, he's told, is walk into the bank and withdraw the funds,
09:32but bureaucracy is rarely that simple. And as a result, a clerical error means that the Witcher
09:38is forced to chase down various forms in what becomes a perpetual cycle of dead ends and
09:43unhelpful tellers. Instead of hunting monsters, players will spend their time hunting documents,
09:49and it's as tedious as you'd expect. In this quest, the action-packed gameplay players are
09:54used to is replaced by exciting moments, including watching a cat wash itself, getting into an
10:00argument about cutting a line, and charming a clerk into speeding things along. So yeah,
10:07this is why Witchers don't use banks. This is why they take cash payments up front.
10:15Located deep within the labyrinth of sewers underneath Novigrad, this side quest is
10:20easy to miss. However, a tomb entombed is a part of the game that players certainly won't want to
10:25skip. While exploring the sewers, players will eventually come across a weak wall next to a
10:30sealed gate. Knock it down with arde and Geralt will find himself in a tomb, where he'll be met
10:34with a scholar struggling to move the lid on a stone sarcophagus. The stranger will inform Geralt
10:40that he's a professor of archaeology from Oxenfurt who has reason to believe that an important lost
10:45text resides in this tomb. When helping the academic open the lid, the pair are greeted
10:50by a slumbering vampire who's not too pleased with being disturbed. Still insistent that the
10:56tomb could still be in the tomb though, perhaps kept under the vampire's pillow for reading,
11:01the professor asks Geralt to just have another look. If he agrees, the monster will have had
11:06enough of his nonsense and just attack outright, leaving the monster hunter with no choice but to
11:11kill the creature for what turns out to be pretty much no reason at all.
11:18When Geralt encounters a hermit in the Blood & Wine DLC, he's presented with a seemingly
11:23unsolvable mystery to hunt down an invisible wraith. To aid his investigation, the hermit
11:28brews the witcher a special potion containing a potent hallucinogenic said to reveal the unseen.
11:34When he awakes after drinking it, Geralt discovers that a side effect of the potion
11:38allows him to talk to animals, including his trusty steed Roach. What follows is a hilarious
11:45buddy comedy caper in which the pair set out to solve the contract together. Roach is absolutely
11:50the star of the show here. He's a sharp-witted expert on monster hunting and letting him take
11:55the lead makes for a hilarious and refreshing change of pace. Moreover, the quest showcases
12:00the writing team at the top of their game. Not only is a quiet phantom scattered with amusing
12:05horse puns, but it also takes the opportunity to poke fun at aspects of the game, such as Roach's
12:11ability to materialise from nowhere alongside his unresponsive controls. This quest is simply a
12:17delightful experience from start to finish, and when it's over players will wish they could spend
12:22more time chatting to this unsung equestrian hero. So that's our list, I want to know what you guys
12:27think down in the comments below. Did you guys stumble upon these hilarious quests,
12:31and are there any great ones I missed off here? While you're down there as well,
12:34please give us a like, share, subscribe and head over to whatculture.com for more lists and news
12:38like this every single day. Even if you don't though, I've been Josh, thanks so much for
12:42watching and I'll see you soon.