• 2 months ago
We love the Predator but perhaps it's time for some tough love. Maybe we should all admit the Predator is just a giant muscle bound wuss.
Transcript
00:00What's up everybody, Griffey here. Look, I love The Predator, but perhaps it's
00:05time for some tough love. Maybe we should all admit The Predator is just a giant
00:09muscle-bound wuss.
00:12Come on! Come on! Kill me! I'm here! Kill me!
00:161987's Predator became an instant classic, but the franchise has become one ugly
00:22mother****er. Can we say that? How hard is it to kill a human if you're a giant
00:28monster trained from birth in combat, you have advanced technology and
00:32invisibility, and you're going after someone that doesn't even know they're
00:36in a fight. It's the equivalent of a guy at the Jersey Shore sucker-punching
00:40someone from behind and yelling, one shot! I know they're hunters, but the movie
00:45tells me they have honor and won't attack unarmed prey, so they must have
00:48some sense that what they're doing is weak. This is not about food, it's about
00:52pitting yourself against a fellow warrior. If you do that by hiding and
00:57using a self-aiming laser gun, you're not a warrior. I imagine The Predator all
01:01invisible giggling as he watches the soldiers find their skinned friends, like
01:05a kid who leaves a flaming bag of **** on an old man's porch. If Predator wanted to
01:09be the cool monster warrior we think he is, why not go full Rambo? Another
01:14character who would have waxed this alien, by the way. Land on a planet, unarmed, and
01:19challenge the local badass to a fight. You think The Predator has the guts to
01:23face down Jesse the Body Ventura without his little Heidi suit? Not a
01:26chance. He heard the body say, I ain't got time to bleed, pressed his disappear
01:32button, and ran up the nearest tree. Cool.
01:37You tell me, why don't you tell me? The Busey could use work. Buttered sausage, I
01:44want to talk about buttered sausage. Also, why do you think every Predator wears a
01:48self-destruct bracelet? Probably for the same reason babies wear diapers, because
01:53grown-ups know they're full of ****. No one will blame you for losing a cinematic
01:57fight to Arnold, even if it is with rocks and sticks. That dude's Mr. Universe. I
02:01imagine he's scary on every planet, but to get a lightning fist from a middle-aged
02:06LAPD detective in loafers who found one of your discus on your own ship? Come on,
02:11that's lame. How about in Predators, when we see a Yautja lose a sword duel and
02:16another lose to all 115 pounds of Adrian Brody because he can't see too well when
02:22it's hot? That's right, the Predator's cool-ass helmet is essentially giant
02:26glasses with tape in the middle because their eyes only see in infrared, which is
02:30bad when it's hotter than the body temperature outside. This series also has
02:34a Predator losing a fight to a young Native American woman by getting stuck
02:38in mud and not realizing his self-aiming weapon was aimed at his own giant head.
02:43And for those keeping score, that's the second time he's lost a fight to someone
02:47weighing under 120 pounds. All right, so humans seemingly have no problem
02:52disposing of these guys. How about aliens? I remember wondering how many xenomorphs
02:57it would take to bring down one Predator, let alone three. Turns out it took one
03:03xenomorph, one scene, to kill two Predators by himself. The shockingly
03:09lopsided beatdown really solidifies where the Predator stands. Thankfully,
03:13Sennaya Lathan saved the day and was made an honorary Predator because these
03:16guys obviously need new talent.
03:23You know how to make a good Predator sequel? Make him unkillable. Go full
03:28Michael Myers. I want the kind of monster who can bear his wide open face to its
03:33prey and they can't do a damn thing to stop it. I know most of the Predators we
03:37see in the films are young or in training, but that's stupid. How about we
03:42get some of these old high-level Predators in the film before the last
03:46couple moments? They need to do their distorted laugh when they see a human
03:50running at them with sticks and crush them. Lots of them. The Predator needs to
03:55come out of his little hiding spot and let everyone know he isn't an
03:58intergalactic jobber. Can we say that?