A DW journalist from Syria shares her experience of returning to Damascus after the end of the civil war.
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00:00On the borders, mixed feelings of joy and anticipation.
00:03In fact, I don't know what I feel or what is waiting for me
00:08and how I will meet Damascus for the first time after all this separation.
00:12In Germany, I had a dream every month or every two months.
00:16I used to see myself always on the street,
00:19that I am stuck in the Levant and I can't go back to Germany and I am looking for a way.
00:23Then I discovered that we, all Syrians, have the same dream regardless of the country.
00:29I found out that this is called trauma.
00:31We were so afraid to go back to live in Syria.
00:34During my days in the city, I saw a different Damascus than I knew.
00:39I saw a tired, dilapidated city.
00:42Fourteen years after the war, people were devastated.
00:45This was evident on their faces and the colors of the city faded.
00:51In the Umayyad square, songs are playing and young people are dancing
00:55Armed men are distributing weapons in the square,
00:58a scene we have never seen before in Damascus.
01:01Hundreds of meters away from joy, there is a picture of another Syria.
01:06In the square of Marj, which Jamal Pasha Al-Saffah hung,
01:09the revolutionary flags of the Ottoman period,
01:12the Syrians hung the pictures of their loved ones, the detainees or the missing,
01:16so that they would know about them.
01:19I wandered between the pictures and tears.
01:21A man approached me, looking for his relative, saying,
01:24if you come here, someone will contact his family.
01:30I used to think I was ten years away from my homeland,
01:33but I found out here that my suffering is five stars.
01:36At least my family knew I was still alive.
01:41For the first time in ten years, I met my parents.
01:44Our relationship is no different than that of any Syrian family.
01:47My parents grew up while I was away, and I found out my mother was sick.
01:51I felt anger more than sadness.
01:53The regime forbade me to grow up with them,
01:56while they left me alone after their four children were scattered around the world.
02:00For the first time, I know what salvation means.
02:03Salvation from injustice, to get the simplest rights,
02:06like sitting next to my parents.
02:09Until now, I can't distinguish the feelings I feel,
02:13and in many cases, I don't feel anything.
02:15I am still in shock.
02:18Years of feeling helpless have ended like this.
02:21Fear of the future, fear of the unknown,
02:24joy, anger, and anticipation.
02:26All this is mixed with a question that is repeated by everyone around me.
02:29Where are we going?