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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Jesus, it's almost getting out here.
00:00:14Let's mix up some daiquiris.
00:00:19Now, be nice.
00:00:27But I wanted to try something new.
00:00:28I used that meat spread with the little devil on the front.
00:00:30Do you even know what's in that stuff?
00:00:32Instead of flour and milk, I just plopped in two cans of cream of mushroom.
00:00:35You're so right, sugar.
00:00:37Condensed soup.
00:00:39That's what we've got here.
00:00:41Solid soup.
00:00:46Why not have a potluck on Sunday night?
00:00:49With none of our husbands going to work on Monday because of the holidays, it might be a nice change.
00:00:54But to make it more exciting, we could have a contest.
00:00:58We could each bring a dish, and we could let our husbands be the judges.
00:01:02I don't know.
00:01:03I can't win against you guys.
00:01:04Finally some action around here.
00:01:06I've got a trick or two up my sleeve.
00:01:08You've got a trick or two up your skirt.
00:01:10Ladies, the war is on.
00:01:18Merry bells.
00:01:20Yay!
00:01:27Merry bells.
00:01:29Merry bells.
00:01:31Merry bells.
00:01:33Merry bells.
00:01:35Merry bells.
00:01:37Merry bells.
00:01:39Merry bells.
00:01:41Merry bells.
00:01:43Merry bells.
00:01:45Merry bells.
00:01:47Merry bells.
00:01:49Merry bells.
00:01:51Merry bells.
00:01:53Merry bells.
00:01:56Well, hello, neighbors.
00:01:58Come on in.
00:01:59Pleasure.
00:02:02The old lady's in the room fixing up.
00:02:04Got it.
00:02:05Well, hello, Jerome.
00:02:08Hi, great to see you.
00:02:09You name it.
00:02:10You, you name it, Jerome.
00:02:13Endless.
00:02:16Hey, do you golf?
00:02:18You should come play some holes with Sterling and me sometime.
00:02:21Well, great.
00:02:23We'll play tomorrow.
00:02:24Pick you up at nine.
00:02:26Maximilian.
00:02:28And there you go.
00:02:30Come on, Red.
00:02:32Good.
00:02:34Hey, why don't you all mix up some martinis,
00:02:37and I'll go get the old ball and chain.
00:02:39Be back in two shakes.
00:02:42Max, Sterling, you're looking fit.
00:02:45You been working out?
00:02:47Oh, you know, just running and messing a little with the weights.
00:02:55Maximilian.
00:02:57Wow.
00:02:58Oh, Fleurine, you look fantastic.
00:03:00Why, thank you, darling.
00:03:01Where are the girls?
00:03:02Kitchen.
00:03:03So, Leslie, you still working at the university?
00:03:07Yes, he's still answering the president's phone.
00:03:10I like mine a little dirtier.
00:03:13You got it.
00:03:16Hey, you been messing with my stuff?
00:03:19Not tonight, Connie.
00:03:21We've got company.
00:03:22My tweezers are upside down,
00:03:24and using them on your eye,
00:03:26I got fucking hair on them.
00:03:33Don't touch my fucking shit.
00:03:35You know better than that.
00:03:48When I was five, my mother told me
00:03:50I was adopted, and she handed me a bucket
00:03:52and some cleaning supplies,
00:03:53and she told me to get to work.
00:03:56I wrote my first poem that day.
00:03:58Good evening, ladies.
00:04:00You should.
00:04:01I'm telling a story.
00:04:03Oh, excuse me.
00:04:04I scribbled it on a piece of toilet paper
00:04:06in between scrubbing the pot.
00:04:08It went like this.
00:04:10Dreams are candy,
00:04:12and mothers are dark smears on white porcelain.
00:04:17I wrote a poem every day since.
00:04:21A poem for every day of my life.
00:04:23I would write while washing the dishes,
00:04:25or polishing the silver,
00:04:27or cleaning the vomit off the carpet
00:04:29after one of my mother's nightly binges.
00:04:32Let's just say I grew up in the perfect environment
00:04:35for a poet to thrive.
00:04:36What the hell are you talking about?
00:04:38You don't even know what a poem is.
00:04:40She's getting her poetry straight from the bottle.
00:04:42I got started early.
00:04:44Child prodigy.
00:04:46A poet and a drunk.
00:04:48By the age of five.
00:04:50Gosh, we're gonna have fun tonight.
00:04:52I can feel it.
00:04:54Yesterday, movie legend Judy Garland was found dead
00:04:57in the bathroom of her rented Chelsea London house.
00:05:00Good Lord.
00:05:01The coroner stressed that there was no evidence
00:05:03to suggest she had committed suicide.
00:05:05Even so, a British specialist who had attended Garland
00:05:08said she had been living on borrowed time
00:05:11due to cirrhosis of the liver.
00:05:13Garland had turned 47,
00:05:15just 12 days prior to her death.
00:05:17Her Wizard of Oz co-star Ray Bolger commented,
00:05:20saying, and I quote,
00:05:22she just plain wore out.
00:05:27I always loved the Wizard of Oz.
00:05:2947, that's too young.
00:05:31That's too bad.
00:05:32We saw her at Carnegie Hall.
00:05:44Is it time to eat yet?
00:05:48My friends, here it is.
00:05:51The first round of what will be many
00:05:55c-c-c-c-c-casserole wars.
00:06:00And the inventor of tonight's winning dish
00:06:04will receive this groovy t-shirt.
00:06:11My father gave me a t-shirt for my fifth birthday
00:06:13that read Daddy's Little Question Mark.
00:06:15I don't know why we can't just have a dinner party.
00:06:17I hate this competition stuff.
00:06:19You know deep down inside you're gonna win.
00:06:21Okay, honey, she's just jealous you're a better cook.
00:06:23Dehydrated food and powder.
00:06:25Am I supposed to believe an astronaut
00:06:27can survive on Tang?
00:06:28Get with the words.
00:06:29I need food.
00:06:30Oh, Florine's hungry.
00:06:32I've got to get on with it.
00:06:33Well, is everybody ready?
00:06:36On your marks, get set,
00:06:39and eat!
00:07:10Before we dig in,
00:07:12I'd like us all to raise our glasses.
00:07:18To sugar.
00:07:19Thank you for organizing this.
00:07:21To sugar.
00:07:22To sugar.
00:07:23Remember oleo?
00:07:25Why do they call it oleo?
00:07:27It means really margarine.
00:07:30What the hell is oleo?
00:07:32I love oleo.
00:07:34Remember in all of your movies
00:07:36when Benny Davis bites into that raw green onion
00:07:39I'm currently having that experience.
00:07:41I don't know.
00:07:42I feel better if I line the pan with foil.
00:07:44It's a lot of work.
00:07:46Is pimento a pepper?
00:07:48Oh, no.
00:07:49Pimento's not a pepper.
00:07:51A pepper's a vegetable.
00:07:53Yeah.
00:07:54You know, I always thought
00:07:55Dr. Pepper was a real person.
00:07:58Turns out he's not.
00:08:01Big piece of gristle in this one.
00:08:03Not sugars.
00:08:05You know, I couldn't personally eat sweetbreads.
00:08:08It's the brains, right?
00:08:09Thymus.
00:08:10Thymus.
00:08:12What the hell is a thymus?
00:08:16It's a gland in your neck.
00:08:18I don't have a thymus.
00:08:21You mean in a calf's neck.
00:08:23Oh, no, not a calf.
00:08:25That's horrible.
00:08:26I could never eat a baby.
00:08:28Hands down, the strangest thing about us
00:08:32is that none of us have had babies.
00:08:36Some of us should have had children.
00:08:39Wow.
00:09:04Okay.
00:09:06okay with four votes the winner tonight is the salmon and pop a lot
00:09:20I bet what happens is that everyone burned their mouths on the first bite
00:09:37and their taste buds were useless because that was definitely not the best
00:09:40dish I'm sorry it was not the best dish tonight Jerome you don't have to be so
00:09:45defensive about it Jerome has written a note the salmon tastes like a spoonful
00:09:51of you can't say that word you can't say that word out loud you know honey there
00:10:01isn't a word like that for men though I'm just saying there isn't a
00:10:06derogatory term for men as ugly as oh if you think about it pencil dick is
00:10:13pretty damn bad no pencil dick doesn't have the same hard consonant sounds and
00:10:17and the abruptness of the word cunt cunt is a mighty word how about you are a fag
00:10:28oh she's got it that's it the ugly ass sound followed by the hard good fag fag
00:10:37loaded word man loaded word f-a-g is the awfulest and it's much worse than
00:10:45that word cunt that's bullshit Sterling no it is worse f-a-g is to question our
00:10:52masculinity the very essence of who men are kind of just refers to your baby
00:10:56funnel I sometimes think men are the stupidest creatures to walk the face of
00:11:03the earth I really do oh but I just love saying dirty words
00:11:08fuck yes I do repeat after me ladies and gentlemen shit
00:11:21fuck
00:11:24ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Marybelle try it it
00:11:40feels good
00:11:54Vastrovia!
00:11:55Vastrovia!
00:11:58Well, should we play a game?
00:12:00No, let's just put on some tunes and go.
00:12:02How about we play Agnew's favorite,
00:12:04Pin the Blame on the Donkey?
00:12:06Has everyone here played Railroad Tracks?
00:12:10Oh, what's that?
00:12:11Honey, have we played that?
00:12:12No.
00:12:13Bert, I love it.
00:12:14When I was 13, I got molested on some railroad tracks
00:12:19by an albino.
00:12:21The moon made his skin glow so brightly.
00:12:25I just pretended I was having sex with a light bulb.
00:12:30That's charming, Flo.
00:12:33Railroad Tracks is a physical game.
00:12:35It's about balance and control.
00:12:37The game requires concentration, ability to connect
00:12:41your body and your mind.
00:12:44So, Maribel, you up for it?
00:12:47Come on, Maribel.
00:12:48Come on.
00:12:49Come on.
00:12:50You can do it.
00:12:51Three cheers for Maribel.
00:12:53Hip, hip.
00:12:54Hooray.
00:12:55Hip, hip.
00:12:56Hooray.
00:12:57Hip, hip.
00:12:58Hooray.
00:12:59Hooray.
00:13:00Hooray.
00:13:01Hooray.
00:13:02Hooray.
00:13:03What are we going to use for tracks?
00:13:04Belts?
00:13:05Hey, sugar, run to the room and get all the belts.
00:13:09We need more room.
00:13:11All right, men, let's move this sofa back.
00:13:13Let's get this out of the way.
00:13:15All right, folks.
00:13:16Here we go.
00:13:17All right, come on.
00:13:19One, two, three.
00:13:22Oh.
00:13:23Excellent.
00:13:24I'm going to buy this sofa.
00:13:25Yeah.
00:13:26Maribel, the focus.
00:13:29Maribel is the focus.
00:13:32Thank you, baby.
00:13:34Okay, Maribel, the idea of the game is that you have to walk
00:13:40on the tracks that we made.
00:13:42The object is to walk the entire length of the tracks
00:13:45without falling off.
00:13:47Your feet have to stay on the belts.
00:13:49The floor is hot lava.
00:13:52Watch out.
00:13:53Oh, oh, oh.
00:13:54That's so easy.
00:13:55Yes, it would be, but you've got to walk the entire tracks.
00:13:59Oh.
00:14:00Oh.
00:14:01Oh.
00:14:02Oh.
00:14:03Oh.
00:14:04Oh.
00:14:05Oh.
00:14:06Oh.
00:14:07Oh.
00:14:08Oh.
00:14:09Oh.
00:14:10Oh.
00:14:11Oh.
00:14:12Oh.
00:14:13Oh.
00:14:14Oh.
00:14:15Oh.
00:14:16Oh.
00:14:17Oh.
00:14:18Oh.
00:14:21Oh.
00:14:22Oh.
00:14:23Oh.
00:14:24Oh.
00:14:29Okay.
00:14:31Here I come.
00:14:35Okay, here I come
00:14:51Somebody's gonna catch me if I fall, right
00:15:05What are you guys doing? This is part of the coordination test. It's okay
00:15:29Come on down the track
00:15:35There you go
00:15:45Let me see a couple more
00:16:05One more thing, one more thing. Are you ready? On the count of three, you can take off your blindfold and one, two, three!
00:16:29Beautiful, beautiful job
00:16:35You're all assholes
00:16:47Well perhaps we could deep fry a moon pie
00:16:52I like the direction you're heading. Well we could, we could deep fry two moon pies
00:16:58Until they're golden brown and then we could drain them and spread soft vanilla ice cream in between them and then dip the whole thing in chocolate and put it in the freezer
00:17:12I think I'm in love with you
00:17:18Is my brain shrinking? Can you tell if my brain is shrinking?
00:17:22Have another drink Leslie
00:17:24Can you see it through my eyes?
00:17:26Is it working? Yeah, double what?
00:17:29Double what are you drinking?
00:17:31Here, I'll show you
00:17:35It's not my fault
00:17:37I know it's not your fault, but I won't even apologize anyway
00:17:41I'm not apologizing, we're just having fun
00:17:43Give me a kiss
00:17:45Give me a kiss
00:17:47Have a drink
00:17:50Honey?
00:17:54I have another game for us to play
00:17:59Max, come to mama
00:18:02Wait a minute, what kind of a game?
00:18:04It's a special kind
00:18:06Is that a recipe tin?
00:18:08What are the recipes?
00:18:10Well, they're rather unique
00:18:14This is just a list of ingredients
00:18:16What does it say?
00:18:18Ice cubes, I don't understand, you put an ice cube
00:18:32You might be missing something
00:18:35Holy shit, holy shit, I just realized something
00:18:38I just realized this
00:18:41This is a recipe tin
00:18:44I just realized this
00:18:48Casserole has the word ass in it
00:18:55It does, it sounds out, it does
00:19:00Alright, forgive me people
00:19:02I'm going to be honest
00:19:04I am capital H horny
00:19:07Something that is not news
00:19:10No news at all, Bert
00:19:12I can't say horny because it reminds me of zebras
00:19:15Zebras don't have horns
00:19:17But they sure do
00:19:19Duvot, meet another one of those guys
00:19:22Hornstripe
00:19:24This is so precious
00:19:28Get your waders out boys
00:19:30All this one says is
00:19:32Turn to the person on your left
00:19:34And tell them one thing you like about them
00:19:36And in parenthesis, physical
00:19:39Sugar, you have a beautiful mouth
00:19:43It is a chasm of beauty
00:19:45And I should know
00:19:47Because I want to spelunk into it
00:19:52Thank you Leslie
00:19:54No, I don't, let's not do this one
00:19:56I don't want to do this one
00:19:57No, no, no, no, no, no
00:19:58It's okay, it's okay
00:19:59Quiet
00:20:02Quiet
00:20:04I am about to turn my head to the left
00:20:10Max Beatum
00:20:14You are gorgeous
00:20:17And every woman in this room thinks so too
00:20:21Sugar?
00:20:22Hey, that's my husband
00:20:24I thought we were going to say it and move on
00:20:26Okay Max, your turn
00:20:28Connor, don't be jealous
00:20:30Kitty
00:20:31Yes
00:20:32I think
00:20:34You have great tits
00:20:38I'm with you all the way buddy
00:20:45Okay, I'm going bossy
00:20:53Your eyes
00:20:56I seriously cannot look into your eyes for too long
00:20:58Because if I do
00:21:00I just want to jump on you and take you on a kitty vacation
00:21:05Down kitty, down
00:21:08Meow
00:21:11Okay, me
00:21:14Maribel
00:21:15Watch it now
00:21:17Here, here
00:21:21To put it simply, I love your ass
00:21:24I love every slope and curve of your bottom
00:21:27I love spending time with you
00:21:29But watching you walk away is one of the supreme pleasures of my life
00:21:33If I could, I would eat every meal off of your rump
00:21:36I want to make a mold of your rear end
00:21:39So I can hang it on the wall next to my bed
00:21:41So I can spend every night staring at your ass
00:21:44Conrad
00:21:45That's enough now
00:21:46Enough
00:21:47Sugar, don't be jealous
00:21:50Stop
00:21:51Thank you
00:21:54Sterling
00:21:55Yes
00:21:58I think
00:22:00You have
00:22:03Very strong looking hands
00:22:09Thanks, I think
00:22:14Florine
00:22:16Yes, I can
00:22:19You give me some goose pimples
00:22:22Is that all?
00:22:23And you smell really nice
00:22:26It's Estee Lauder
00:22:32But you already know that
00:22:34Oh, wait a minute
00:22:36That's not fair, they're married
00:22:40Go, go ahead
00:22:41Okay, Leslie
00:22:44I'm proud to call you my friend
00:22:49That's not physical
00:22:50Thank you
00:22:51Oh, it's not physical
00:22:54Oh, you're
00:22:56I always thought you had great eyebrows
00:22:58Mr. Burt, thank you
00:22:59Thank you for that compliment
00:23:02So we've made the rounds
00:23:04What's the next card?
00:23:05I don't think we need to play anymore
00:23:07No, we can't stop in the middle
00:23:09I don't understand these games
00:23:10I mean, how do we know who's winning and who's losing?
00:23:13I don't have a fucking clue
00:23:14That's not the point, darling
00:23:15This one's good
00:23:16I really like this one
00:23:18It'll be fun
00:23:19Lay on the ground
00:23:21With your heads touching
00:23:23And let your brains synchronize
00:23:32Um
00:23:35Maybe we should try another one
00:23:51Well then, is everybody ready for another game?
00:23:54Angel, flash
00:23:56Darling, how about this one?
00:23:58How about this one?
00:24:00Grab each other and start swinging
00:24:02How do we do that?
00:24:04Oh, I know, I know, I know
00:24:05Connie, come here, come here for a second
00:24:07Grab your arms like this
00:24:08Oh, we used to do this when we were kids
00:24:10It's fun
00:24:11Come here
00:24:13Come on, sit down
00:24:14Okay, ready?
00:24:15Let's start swinging
00:24:16Oh
00:24:20Oh, I don't want to do it
00:24:22Four
00:24:24Five
00:24:29Now we've got to grab it
00:24:36Jeepers
00:24:37Hope, mother of kids
00:24:39That's my gal
00:24:41Mama wants to swim
00:24:44Daddy wants to swim
00:24:47Come on, boys
00:24:53What are you waiting for?
00:24:58Come on, let's go
00:25:03Let's play marbles all over
00:25:28Oh
00:25:58Oh
00:26:23Connie?
00:26:29Oh
00:26:34What time is it?
00:26:58Where are you going, Connie?
00:27:00To the club
00:27:18Where are you going, Connie?
00:27:22To the club
00:27:29I hadn't realized you had a game today
00:27:52Connie, come here
00:27:54I have something I could show you
00:27:58What is it?
00:28:07I've already seen it
00:28:09Okay
00:28:25I'll be back before dinner
00:28:32Well, have a nice time
00:28:40Good morning
00:28:44I squeezed you some fresh orange juice
00:28:48Thank you
00:28:50You're welcome
00:29:00I'm going to the country club
00:29:02To play a round of golf with Leslie and Connie
00:29:04Okay
00:29:06What time will you be home for supper?
00:29:09I'm not sure. Depends
00:29:11Okay
00:29:13Just take your time
00:29:16Would you like me to make anything specific?
00:29:22Whatever you'd like
00:29:24How about chicken?
00:29:26I can use Maribel's recipe. You seem to enjoy that
00:29:28Sure
00:29:30If it isn't any trouble
00:29:32No trouble at all
00:29:38Bye, dear
00:29:40Bye
00:29:56Morning, Les
00:30:01I had a party last night
00:30:03I hope the other golfers don't stare
00:30:05You know they'll know
00:30:07Jesus, would you look at that broad
00:30:13Oh, Sterling, you got it lucky
00:30:15Lucky?
00:30:17Sure, you got a wife with great tits
00:30:19Let you do whatever you want
00:30:21Sounds like heaven to me
00:30:23Geez, no
00:30:25Poor old Les has a wife built like a man
00:30:27And I'm tied up to a cadaver
00:30:29I can't help it if I'm horny
00:30:31I'm a man
00:30:33I mean, our job is to be horny, right?
00:30:35Right
00:30:37Sure
00:30:39Right, Les?
00:30:41I'll get back to you on that
00:30:43Yeah, no big deal
00:30:45No big deal
00:30:51Hello
00:30:53Oh, Max, thank God it's you
00:30:55It's Sugar
00:30:57Listen, I just really wanted to apologize for last night
00:30:59I feel like
00:31:01Don't worry
00:31:03You were a tigress last night
00:31:05No, Max
00:31:07Hello
00:31:09I got it
00:31:11Hi, Maribel, it's me, Sugar
00:31:13I'll let you two gals talk
00:31:15What is it, Sugar?
00:31:17I just wanted to let you know
00:31:19That I washed and dried
00:31:21Your casserole dish
00:31:23And it's ready for you
00:31:25Anytime you'd like to pick it up, okay?
00:31:27Oh
00:31:29Thank you
00:31:31Okay, I've got to run now, alright?
00:31:33Okay, bye
00:32:01♪
00:32:25♪
00:32:55You know, last night was really good
00:32:57We should do that more often
00:32:59Well our friends are so tied up
00:33:01♪
00:33:09♪
00:33:11I know baby, there's a change in you.
00:33:34I know baby, there's a change in you.
00:33:47It's pigs on a cloud.
00:33:52It looks like Stonehenge.
00:33:54It's very interesting, Kitty.
00:33:59I mean, are we meant to use these little wieners as utensils?
00:34:07Jesus, the tension in here is as thick as Nixon.
00:34:13We don't have to talk about it.
00:34:14Come on, we can't even look at each other in the eye.
00:34:17It's ridiculous.
00:34:18It was just sex.
00:34:19I'm not a sex person.
00:34:23I think what we need to do is just all have another party, have a few drinks, some nice
00:34:28hors d'oeuvres.
00:34:29Are you insane?
00:34:30I don't know.
00:34:31Either that, or we turn into bitter, dried up old prunes.
00:34:34What we did was not normal.
00:34:35What we did was get bombed.
00:34:36Jerome is right.
00:34:38We just drank a little too much, is all.
00:34:40You're right.
00:34:41Blame it on the liquor.
00:34:42You know what they say.
00:34:44What happens when you're drunk doesn't count.
00:34:46Well, we were much better off before we made it a contest.
00:34:48We just trampled all over our vows.
00:34:50Come on, grow up.
00:34:52We're animals.
00:34:53Get used to it.
00:34:55There will be no more dissenting voices.
00:34:58We're a club.
00:34:59And we stick together no matter what.
00:35:01Right, girls?
00:35:02I think what we need to do is just follow the example of the hippies and have a group
00:35:06hug or hold hands or something.
00:35:08Perfect.
00:35:09Maybe we can all burn our proms.
00:35:28I'm a hippie, I'm a hippie, I'm a hippie, I'm a hippie, I'm a hippie, I'm a hippie, I'm
00:35:57a hippie, I'm a hippie, I'm a hippie, I'm a hippie, I'm a hippie, I'm a hippie, I'm a
00:36:26hippie, I'm a hippie, I'm a hippie, I'm a hippie, I'm a hippie, I'm a hippie, I'm a hippie,
00:36:38I'm a hippie.
00:36:39Well, what dishes are we voting on tonight?
00:36:41Oh.
00:36:43Well, Kitty made some pigs on a cloud.
00:36:50Melinda made cheesy Italian.
00:36:55Rome, her cheese enchiladas.
00:36:59I made maximum crab crunch.
00:37:03Lorraine, I'm sorry, I cannot remember what it is you made.
00:37:10I didn't make a casserole.
00:37:12But I thought that we were all going to make casseroles.
00:37:16I made an appetizer.
00:37:21Cookies as an appetizer?
00:37:23Yeah, I love you.
00:37:25Darling.
00:37:29I call them identity bars.
00:37:32Identity bars?
00:37:33They're delicious.
00:37:34Is it a cookie? Is it a cake? Is it a bar? Which is it?
00:37:39Mmm, yummy, yummy. How exotic. Is that ginger that I taste? Mmm.
00:37:45Mmm. Creamy.
00:37:48Max, you have a crumb on your chin.
00:37:53Tell me, did you get the recipe off the side of the Eagle brand sweetened condensed milk can?
00:37:58I did, but I also added a few personal touches.
00:38:02Sure, sure, who doesn't doctor a recipe? Gotta make it your own.
00:38:14There you go.
00:38:17Mmm, it tastes really good with whiskey.
00:38:20These bars are fantastic.
00:38:23I'm actually ready to vote right now. Best dish of the night.
00:38:30Why do my eyebrows feel like they're flying away?
00:38:34Lorraine, these bars don't have anything to do with space, do they?
00:38:40Thanks, are my eyebrows still there?
00:38:43My nails in honor of Apollo 11.
00:38:47I love you, Alice B. Jenkins.
00:38:49Honey, my hairs are long.
00:38:53Oh, shit.
00:38:57Oh, shit.
00:39:04Oh, come here, baby.
00:39:06I bet it tastes like vodka now.
00:39:10Look at me. I'm a dancing tree.
00:39:19En garde.
00:39:31Turn around and get back there and I'm going to get you.
00:39:35Oh, shit.
00:39:38What are we going to do with them split banana?
00:39:41Let's eat it.
00:39:53Bring it on.
00:39:55Looks like we've got some hooligans up here in these parts.
00:39:58Yes, ma'am. Looks like we ought to frisk them.
00:40:01Drop the belt.
00:40:02Excuse me, ma'am. You turn down your headlights.
00:40:05I ain't checking her hood.
00:40:09Come on, now, nice and slow.
00:40:11Take me easy.
00:40:12You've been a bad boy, haven't you?
00:40:33Help!
00:40:35Help!
00:41:02Do you still like me?
00:41:06Yes.
00:41:28Does it still like you?
00:41:35I love you.
00:42:05I love you.
00:42:35I love you.
00:43:05He'll come along
00:43:09Someday
00:43:12And he'll be big and strong
00:43:17Someday
00:43:21He will come along
00:43:30Come along
00:43:34He'll come along
00:43:36That man I love
00:43:41Someday he'll come along
00:43:44That man I love
00:43:49Oh, Lord, won't you send him
00:43:52Hello, Max.
00:43:54Won't you send him
00:43:56It's pretty isolated up here.
00:43:58Good job.
00:44:01It's my private spot.
00:44:04It's where I come to think
00:44:07and to be alone.
00:44:12I made us a picnic lunch.
00:44:14I don't really have time to eat.
00:44:16Honestly, my favorite thing
00:44:19is when Kitty rubs my monster
00:44:21while I watch the Carol Burnett show.
00:44:26How is it that the subject of our conversations
00:44:28always turn to sex?
00:44:30Because people like to talk about
00:44:32the things they want
00:44:34but they never get.
00:44:36Romance?
00:44:38Like blowjobs.
00:44:41Hey, buddy.
00:44:43I'm with you all the way.
00:44:47My wife's vagina
00:44:49looks like a parenthesis
00:44:52with an afro.
00:44:54No, I'm not sure I understand vaginas.
00:44:56What's to understand?
00:44:58A pussy is a doorway.
00:45:00You go in and you come out.
00:45:02Les, you're up, buddy.
00:45:04Of course, my wife won't even give me a blowjob.
00:45:06And I go down on her and everything's fine.
00:45:08But when it comes to returning the favor,
00:45:10she always says,
00:45:12no, no, no, it's not ladylike.
00:45:14What's not ladylike about that?
00:45:17You should try my wife.
00:45:19She gives great blowjobs.
00:45:21Are you kidding me?
00:45:23Flo knows what a man needs.
00:45:26Well, ask Connie.
00:45:28She's been on the receiving end.
00:45:32Flo knows.
00:45:37See, fellas, it's all about symbiosis.
00:45:40The women, they bring the main dish.
00:45:42And the men, they bring the dessert.
00:45:45That little casserole thing
00:45:47that they've got going on,
00:45:49it's like a gift.
00:45:51Waiting under the tree
00:45:55for us to open it.
00:45:57So you guys should come over Friday night.
00:45:59Bring the wives.
00:46:01It'll be fun.
00:46:03See?
00:46:07We have to populate.
00:46:11Populate!
00:46:17Populate!
00:46:19Populate!
00:46:23Oh, I'll be short, Rick Patty.
00:46:27It's time to act like ancient Romans.
00:46:31Men, grab your sticks.
00:46:35It's time to throw our balls around.
00:46:41I'm a little uncomfortable with stereotypes.
00:46:49Do you like the way I look in this?
00:46:51Sure.
00:46:53What does that mean?
00:46:55Do you think I look pretty?
00:46:57Belle,
00:46:59I've lived with you for 12 years,
00:47:01and I'm not going to fall into your circle conversation.
00:47:03It's not a circle, it's communication.
00:47:05Just a simple answer.
00:47:07Just look at me
00:47:09and tell me if you think I look pretty.
00:47:11Say yes or no.
00:47:15You look delicious.
00:47:17If you're a kink, I'd eat you up.
00:47:19There.
00:47:21That wasn't so hard, was it?
00:47:27I don't know, though.
00:47:29I think this belt hits me a little high in the waist.
00:47:31I don't have a waist.
00:47:33Where are you going?
00:47:35In the TV room where there's no belts.
00:47:37You don't care how I look at all, do you?
00:47:39You wouldn't mind if I walked around in front of our friends without a waist.
00:47:41Belle, why don't you just take the belt off?
00:47:43And look like a shapeless sack?
00:47:45No, thank you.
00:47:47You're so clueless about fashion.
00:47:59Max, please.
00:48:01I just want to know if I made it right.
00:48:03If I made it right.
00:48:15Sterling. Ned.
00:48:17Gail Caesar. Went in Rome for today.
00:48:19Went in Rome.
00:48:21Kit, I'd like you to meet Ned and Marjorie Lavon.
00:48:23Ned, Marjorie, this is my wife Kitty.
00:48:25Pleasure.
00:48:27And this is Gail and Patti Parker.
00:48:29What a lovely home.
00:48:31You're interesting.
00:48:33But I'm fine.
00:48:35Not fine.
00:48:37What does fine mean anyway?
00:48:39It's such a nothing word.
00:48:41I'm okay.
00:48:43I'm sound.
00:48:45I'm with it.
00:48:47I'm groovy.
00:48:49That's stupid.
00:48:51I try to sound relevant and I just can't sell it, can I?
00:48:53No.
00:48:55I mean, I'm groovy.
00:48:57What does that mean?
00:48:59It sounds like something an album would say.
00:49:01I mean, if you were going to
00:49:03anthropomorphize an album,
00:49:05it would be right in saying
00:49:07I'm groovy.
00:49:09Take a swig of this.
00:49:15Good Lord, Jerome.
00:49:17What is that?
00:49:19Turpentine?
00:49:21Just about.
00:49:23Leslie has a still in the basement.
00:49:25Jerome, we're not in the hills of Tennessee.
00:49:27Respectable community.
00:49:29Respectable my ass.
00:49:31Screw it. I want to get drunk. Give me more.
00:49:33That's it, sugar.
00:49:35Let it all go.
00:49:41I mean, who are those people anyway?
00:49:43I don't want them here.
00:49:45I thought this party was just for us.
00:49:47Private.
00:49:49Oh.
00:49:51Hello, Max.
00:49:53I made
00:49:55shepherd's pie.
00:49:57I ground the spam myself.
00:50:01Damn arthritis.
00:50:03I hate our bodies.
00:50:05You know it's a design flaw that they start
00:50:07falling apart before we die.
00:50:09Who on earth thought of that anyway?
00:50:11The Lord God in heaven above, of course.
00:50:13He created us.
00:50:15Well, he should have had his damn license revoked.
00:50:17Giving an expiration date
00:50:19to a consciousness. How cruel.
00:50:21How fucking cruel is that?
00:50:23He gave you life after all. Don't forget that.
00:50:25What he gave me
00:50:27is the ability to know that I'm going to die
00:50:29and I find that
00:50:31excruciating.
00:50:33So go ahead and believe in your God if you must.
00:50:35But at least acknowledge the fact
00:50:37that he is the most
00:50:39psychopathic serial killer
00:50:41of all time.
00:50:43I mean, if
00:50:45any one of us were to just reach across
00:50:47the table and strangle the life out of her,
00:50:49would it make any difference to the world?
00:50:51I mean, her God kills people all the time, every day.
00:50:53So it must be alright for us to do
00:50:55the same thing, wouldn't you think?
00:50:57Hypothetically speaking.
00:51:01Oh, is there anything I can do to help?
00:51:03I know, honey. We're just getting ready.
00:51:05Are you sure?
00:51:07So forgive me for not knowing, but do we need to get our clothes off
00:51:09now or later?
00:51:11I've just never done this kind
00:51:13of thing before.
00:51:15Whenever you feel like it, hun.
00:51:17Gail didn't tell me if you'd be screwing each other
00:51:19before dinner or after dinner.
00:51:21Which is it?
00:51:25Come on, sweetie.
00:51:27We're going.
00:51:29We just got here. We're not leaving yet.
00:51:31Something's come up at church.
00:51:33I don't want to go.
00:51:35I know what's going on here. I'm not an idiot.
00:51:37Marjorie, take the car
00:51:39and go home.
00:51:41What?
00:51:43Take the car and go home.
00:51:45Nice to meet you, Marjorie.
00:51:47Little bastard.
00:51:49Drive safe.
00:51:51I'll drink to that.
00:51:53Cheers.
00:51:55Oh, hi.
00:51:57Let me help you.
00:51:59Okay.
00:52:01Help me, baby.
00:52:03Do you love me?
00:52:15Oh, Jesus.
00:52:17Deja vu.
00:52:19Ah!
00:52:21Ah!
00:52:23Ah!
00:52:25Ah!
00:52:27Ah!
00:52:29Ah!
00:52:31Ah!
00:52:33Ah!
00:52:35Ah!
00:52:37Ah!
00:52:39Ah!
00:52:41Ah!
00:54:13Do it again!
00:54:15Honey!
00:54:17Honey!
00:54:19Daddy, don't come outside!
00:54:23Leslie!
00:54:25Let me go!
00:54:27He's dead!
00:54:29Let me go!
00:54:31Leslie!
00:54:37Keep going.
00:54:43Leslie!
00:54:53What's she doing over there?
00:54:55Every time somebody says
00:54:57groovy on the television
00:54:59she's taking a drink.
00:55:05Does my face look red to you?
00:55:07Maribel, you were always so concerned
00:55:09with your face.
00:55:11Do you think angels live in our hair?
00:55:13Maribel.
00:55:15Angels.
00:55:17Do you think angels live in our hair?
00:55:21I think angels are real
00:55:23and tiny and transparent.
00:55:25They live in our hair.
00:55:27Sometimes they sit
00:55:29and dangle their feet
00:55:31over the top of our ears
00:55:33so that they can give us advice
00:55:35when we're having trouble.
00:55:37Maribel.
00:55:41Maribel.
00:55:57Jerome.
00:55:59I can do the headstand, Leslie.
00:56:01Leslie.
00:56:03You like that?
00:56:05Jerome.
00:56:07We're not going to do this again.
00:56:09Jerome.
00:56:29What a mess.
00:56:31Jerome, it's going to be okay.
00:56:37Sit down and I'll get you your dinner.
00:56:41Another bubbling concoction of crap.
00:56:51Why can't we ever have a real meal?
00:56:53Well, this one
00:56:55is turkey divanstrata
00:56:57and you love it.
00:56:59I made it for you
00:57:01our first night in this house.
00:57:03Do you remember, Connie?
00:57:05Steak would be a good meal.
00:57:07You too lazy to cut up some real
00:57:09vegetables and grill me a piece of meat?
00:57:11Well, this has
00:57:13turkey in it and it's got some spinach
00:57:15and it's very, very good for you,
00:57:17Connie.
00:57:19Sterling says Kitty makes a different meal every night.
00:57:23Kitty is not creative.
00:57:26What about roast chicken?
00:57:28I would love
00:57:30a roast chicken.
00:57:32Kitty is my
00:57:34very good friend,
00:57:36but I can assure you
00:57:38she is not roasting chickens.
00:57:40Kitty does not know how to
00:57:42bake a potato.
00:57:46You don't even try.
00:57:48You do nothing.
00:57:50Hell, even the can opener
00:57:52does the work for you.
00:57:54Connie,
00:57:56today was Leslie's day.
00:57:58I didn't have time
00:58:00to trust you a bird.
00:58:02I didn't have time
00:58:04to trust you a bird.
00:58:10You're a stupid little hole,
00:58:12you know that?
00:58:25Connie,
00:58:27I saw you fucking that bitch.
00:58:31And I saw that you liked it.
00:58:35Was it because she was a stranger?
00:58:38Is that what it takes now,
00:58:40Connie? A stranger?
00:58:45Do you really want to get into
00:58:47this now?
00:58:49I'm just not so sure why you
00:58:51invited those people into our house.
00:58:53They're not part of our little group.
00:58:55You mean they had nothing to do with you
00:58:57and Max beat him?
00:58:59I don't know what you're talking about.
00:59:01Oh, come on, sugar, be honest.
00:59:03You've been wet for Max since they moved across the street.
00:59:05I know how that deceitful
00:59:07mind of yours works.
00:59:09You couldn't wait to get Max inside you.
00:59:11You planned that party,
00:59:13got us all drunk,
00:59:15so you'd have an excuse to live out your fantasy.
00:59:17I'll tell you something.
00:59:19You take things and you mess it around.
00:59:21I don't know where you are, Connie.
00:59:23I don't know how to talk to you.
00:59:31You don't know what you're talking about.
00:59:33Would you like one scoop
00:59:35or would you like two?
00:59:39I don't want your fucking casserole!
00:59:43I'm sick of it.
00:59:45I'm sick of you. I'm sick of this house.
00:59:47I'm sick of your whiny mouth.
00:59:49I made you that dinner, Connie.
00:59:51You used to like that dish.
00:59:53You used to love,
00:59:55love, love
00:59:57turkey di monstrata!
00:59:59I worked hard
01:00:01to make dinner tonight
01:00:03because I wanted to make you happy.
01:00:05I worked hard to make you happy,
01:00:07Connie, and you ruined it!
01:00:09You ruined our dinner!
01:00:11You get drunk
01:00:13and you get mad
01:00:15and you ruin everything!
01:00:17You lock yourself in that fucking bathroom
01:00:19and you
01:00:21go after that
01:00:23whatever you do to yourself,
01:00:25Connie!
01:00:29Your leg!
01:00:31Your leg looks like
01:00:33raw hamburger meat!
01:00:37How am I supposed to love that?
01:00:39Shut your fucking mouth!
01:00:41Just stop it!
01:00:49Just stop it!
01:00:55Just stop it!
01:00:57Connie...
01:01:09Connie...
01:01:15I'm pregnant.
01:01:17I'm pregnant.
01:01:27Whore.
01:01:33Isn't that an ugly word?
01:01:41I think it's the hard H sound
01:01:43followed by that hard R.
01:01:49Whore.
01:01:51It's a really ugly word, isn't it?
01:01:53Whore.
01:01:57You almost have to expectorate to say it.
01:01:59Whore!
01:02:03I think that's what makes it such a horrible word.
01:02:07Not just the consonants
01:02:09hitting each other.
01:02:11That it takes
01:02:13effort to say it.
01:02:15Whore!
01:02:25You really have to push to get it out.
01:02:37Connie...
01:02:39Just help me.
01:02:43Whore!
01:02:49Whore!
01:02:57Please don't leave me!
01:02:59Please don't leave me, Connie!
01:03:01Connie, come back here!
01:03:03Please!
01:03:05Please, Connie!
01:03:07I'm just so sorry!
01:03:11Connie, I'm sorry!
01:03:13Please come back here!
01:03:17Connie!
01:03:25I'm a lemon.
01:03:27I'm a bag of jello.
01:03:29Look at me, I'm a yeti.
01:03:31I'm a weirdo.
01:03:37I'm a weirdo.
01:03:43You're perfect.
01:03:47Hey, Ned!
01:03:51Come here for a second.
01:03:53What do you want?
01:03:57What's going on, Ned?
01:03:59I gotta be someplace.
01:04:01I gotta go.
01:04:03Wait.
01:04:05I thought maybe we could, um...
01:04:07get together some time.
01:04:15It's not gonna work, son.
01:04:19Really?
01:04:23Really.
01:04:29You know, for not being that way,
01:04:31you sure give a hell of a blowjob, buddy.
01:04:35Oof!
01:04:39Stay the fuck out of my life.
01:04:51Oh my god.
01:04:59Sterling, what happened?
01:05:01What happened?
01:05:03It's okay.
01:05:11Oh, shh, okay.
01:05:13Let me hear.
01:05:15Let me hear.
01:05:17Okay, okay.
01:05:19Come here.
01:05:23It's okay.
01:05:31I'm sorry.
01:05:33I'm sorry.
01:05:35I'm sorry.
01:05:37I'm sorry.
01:05:39I'm sorry.
01:05:41Hey, hey, hey.
01:05:43I'm not going anywhere.
01:05:47I'm not gonna let anything happen to you.
01:06:01I'm sorry.
01:06:21Hello, Max.
01:06:23Hello.
01:06:25I've missed you so much.
01:06:27Shit, what are you doing here?
01:06:29Hey, Max.
01:06:31I just got back from a run.
01:06:33How long will it take you to pack?
01:06:35My things are all ready.
01:06:37I figure if we leave now,
01:06:39we could be to Vegas by nightfall.
01:06:41Sugar, what are you talking about?
01:06:43Oh, we're gonna start a new life together, Max.
01:06:45You and I.
01:06:47Won't it be divine?
01:06:49I'm having our baby, Max.
01:06:53We did it.
01:06:55You and I.
01:06:57The baby beat him.
01:06:59It'll be the most beautiful baby ever.
01:07:03I've never felt this way before.
01:07:05You don't understand.
01:07:07I feel alive for the first time ever
01:07:09in my whole life, Max.
01:07:11Everything is going to be okay.
01:07:13Sugar, I don't know what's going on in that head of yours,
01:07:15but I'm not leaving my wife.
01:07:21But you're gonna be a daddy, Max.
01:07:23A real father.
01:07:27How do you know it's mine?
01:07:29Everyone was with everyone.
01:07:31What about Connie?
01:07:35Connie hasn't touched me in eons.
01:07:37We were drunk.
01:07:39We were having fun.
01:07:41You've probably forgotten
01:07:43this is someone else's mistake.
01:07:45A mistake?
01:07:47Oh, Max.
01:07:49Don't be silly.
01:07:51We love each other.
01:07:53I love you.
01:07:55I love you,
01:07:57and you love me.
01:07:59We met in private, remember?
01:08:01That made it different.
01:08:03Sugar.
01:08:07I love Maribel.
01:08:09She's my wife.
01:08:11And I'm not gonna leave her,
01:08:13not now, not ever.
01:08:19I'm sorry, Sugar.
01:08:21I'm sorry if you got the wrong idea.
01:08:23No, I'm fine.
01:08:25I'm just fine.
01:08:27Everything's gonna be okay.
01:08:31I'm okay.
01:08:39What am I supposed to do, Max?
01:08:47What am I supposed to do?
01:08:49You'll figure it out, Sugar.
01:09:19Leslie.
01:09:45Leslie.
01:09:49Leslie.
01:10:19Leslie.
01:10:31You look good like that.
01:10:33Natural.
01:10:35Oh, Max.
01:10:37My eyes disappear.
01:10:39My lips are too thin.
01:10:41I don't like the paint.
01:10:43All the other girls are so
01:10:45put together,
01:10:47so with it.
01:10:49I've gotta be more like that.
01:10:51I'm such a square.
01:10:55Belle, come here.
01:11:09I've been thinking.
01:11:11I've been thinking.
01:11:17Let's try to have a baby.
01:11:21Oh, Max.
01:11:25I don't know.
01:11:29I'd have to buy a whole new wardrobe.
01:11:31And this house is our house.
01:11:33It's not a house for a baby.
01:11:37You are beautiful.
01:11:41Just like this.
01:11:43And I don't care about
01:11:45any of that stuff.
01:11:49I want to start over again.
01:11:51Move away from here.
01:11:55Okay.
01:11:57Move away from our friends?
01:11:59Everyone.
01:12:01Oh, Max.
01:12:03Yes.
01:12:05Yes, I want to.
01:12:07We'll buy a new house.
01:12:09And we'll paint it.
01:12:11I'll pick out soothing colors
01:12:13for our baby.
01:12:15And we'll put a swing set in the backyard.
01:12:17And we'll have real grass.
01:12:19And trees.
01:12:21We can move to Colorado.
01:12:23Away in the mountains.
01:12:25Away from everybody.
01:12:27And I'll slide out of bed in the morning
01:12:29and pull my hair back and make pancakes
01:12:31for the whole family.
01:12:33I want to.
01:12:35We can live somewhere with no mirrors, right?
01:12:37I don't know.
01:12:39We don't have to live with any of that stuff.
01:12:45I feel like
01:12:47everybody's always looking at me.
01:12:51The only neighbors we'll have
01:12:53are the deer
01:12:55and the squirrels.
01:12:57I love you.
01:13:05Help me.
01:13:23I love you, wife.
01:13:25I love you.
01:13:51Jesus H. Christ.
01:13:53Holy shit.
01:13:57How did we miss this the first time?
01:14:01Un-fucking-believable.
01:14:23I love you.
01:14:25I love you.
01:14:27I love you.
01:14:29I love you.
01:14:31I love you.
01:14:33I love you.
01:14:35I love you.
01:14:37I love you.
01:14:39I love you.