“The bad breakups, the really toxic relationships…” Vivek Oberoi recalled how his toxic and casual relationships led him to his wife. @anasbukhash
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Short filmTranscript
00:00It's funny because in the serious relationships there was so much pain and drama and in all the casual ones
00:05We say as friends. In fact, a lot of my casual girlfriends came for my wedding
00:09What did you learn about Vivek from the previous relationships before you met Priyanka?
00:31What did you learn about yourself?
00:33I think the serious relationships, each serious relationship teaches you, leaves you with something
00:45The bad breakups, the really toxic relationships teach you your patterns
00:53Teach you what you should stay away from, what you have a complex with
00:58I discovered that somewhere some of us have a hero complex
01:03Where we want to come in as this knight in shining armor and say I will take care of this for you
01:07And it could be a gesture, it could be lovely in the beginning
01:10But eventually you start to get tired, it exhausts you
01:15It exhausts you to try to live for yourself and for somebody else at the same time
01:19It's not easy to constantly be on a pedestal and try to be this hero
01:26You've suddenly created this own expectation of yourself
01:29And then you make the other person used to, if they're not manipulating you
01:36You make them used to expecting that of you
01:39And now you can't change, you can't just be normal and say hey we're both equal
01:44Let's carry the load together, that's what makes a good honest relationship
01:48Sometimes you pull harder, sometimes I pull harder but we both move forward
01:52That's something that I learned from toxic relationships, it's so important to break a pattern
01:56Each of us, if you look at all your relationships and look at your choices
01:59You'd be like I'm doing something again and again, I'm repeating something
02:03You gotta stay away from that, that's your achilles heel, you gotta know that
02:07From the good relationships, I've had some great relationships
02:10Where the theory of reason, season and lifetime applies
02:14So I believe that every romance, every relationship in your life
02:19Comes in either for a reason or a season or a lifetime
02:23You just gotta know which one is which
02:26And I know that or I read that you were skeptical about love
02:31So you were more into maybe surface level or casual relationships
02:37So you were skeptical about the idea of love but then when you met maybe Priyanka
02:42Things switched, why would a skeptical person who has a certain lifestyle
02:47When it comes to romance, what makes it switch?
02:49I'm an all or nothing guy, right?
02:52And the problem with all or nothing people, guys and girls both is
02:57You give so much, you just pour yourself in
03:01There's no filter, there's no stages, there's no holding back
03:04If it's love, it's unfettered, it's out there
03:09Love with all your heart
03:11So when you get hurt, you get hurt that much harder
03:16And that's okay, it's better to take that risk and be who you really are
03:22Than try to constantly have a mask on
03:25We do enough of that on camera
03:27To have a mask on off camera and live would be exhausting
03:31You need to just be yourself and be who you are
03:34But when I got hurt, it was difficult
03:37And I think the path that a lot of people choose to not get hurt again
03:43Is to try and not be who they are and try and be superficial
03:47And say, oh if I don't get deep, it's not gonna hurt
03:51So let me just mess around, let me set the tone to just mess around
03:55It started out as a phenomenal fun role because it was suddenly light
03:59There was no intensity, there was no stress, there was no commitment
04:04It was amazing, in the beginning it was awesome
04:07I was like, I'm playing field man, this is cool
04:10You get out your flirtatious best, you're on rhythm, you're on song
04:14You're being able to, it's a big ego kick
04:17That you smile at a girl and you know your game
04:20And you know that you're gonna win this game
04:22And it's an amazing thing
04:24I was just careful about one thing that I was never dishonest
04:27Never said something that I didn't mean
04:30Like I wouldn't go and commit to somebody
04:32And then play the field
04:34I'd be very honest, straight up saying that
04:36Listen, I'm not looking for anything serious, nothing emotional
04:39Just fun, right?
04:41I tried always to be a gentleman, never to hurt anybody
04:44It was funny because in the serious relationships
04:46There was so much pain and drama
04:48And in all the casual ones, we say as friends
04:50In fact, a lot of my casual girlfriends came to my wedding
04:54And spoke to my wife and I invited them
04:56It was so much fun because they became friends
04:58As I moved on, they became friends
05:01There was no bitterness
05:02But then, I remember Goa
05:062009
05:0931st December
05:11Just met this international model
05:13I'm having fun
05:16It's four days of, you know, just
05:19Non-committal relationship that we just met
05:21At this festival, the music festival
05:23Started hanging out
05:2531st morning
05:27Not morning, maybe 2 or 3 in the afternoon
05:30Had the party, had a lot of fun
05:33Woke up really late
05:35And for a minute
05:37I couldn't remember her name
05:39I was trying to tell her, let's get up, let's go
05:41I'm really hungry, let's go eat something
05:43But I couldn't remember her name
05:45I've been with this person for four days
05:47We've been romantically involved
05:49And I don't remember the name
05:51Oh my God, it scared the hell out of me
05:54I was like, who am I becoming?
05:56What is this?
05:57I got up, took a shower, changed up
06:00Walked straight on to the beach
06:0231st, everybody's like
06:04Either going to a party or
06:06Beach is empty
06:08This is North Goa
06:09I'm standing on the beach, looking at the ocean
06:11And I feel so alone
06:13I feel so low
06:15And it's not me to feel low
06:16It's not me to feel depressed
06:18I feel so low
06:20I feel so empty
06:21Tears start rolling down my eyes
06:23I walk into the ocean
06:26And I'm just like talking to the ocean
06:27I'm like, just take this away
06:29Whatever this is that I'm feeling
06:30Just take this away
06:31I'm done with this
06:32And it was so weird
06:34Because the sun was setting in front of me
06:37The moon was rising behind
06:39I'm on an almost empty beach
06:40I can hear distant sound of
06:43Sound checks and parties being setting up
06:46Because this is at 6, 6.30 in the evening
06:486ish in the evening
06:49And the night party sound checks have already started
06:51On the beachfront hotels
06:52I'm on this desolate piece of beach
06:54Just by myself
06:55Staring into nothing but the horizon
06:58And there was this epiphany in that moment
07:00I felt like, I'm done
07:02I went back
07:04I was very nice to the girl
07:05And I was like, I'm done
07:07I have to make space for something real
07:11If I don't empty out the meaningless stuff
07:15The fun
07:16Nothing real is going to come
07:17First morning
07:19I go onto my phone
07:21I send messages to all the casual relationships
07:23Saying, Happy New Year
07:25This is a change I'm trying to make
07:26Help me with it
07:27Don't send me flirty pictures
07:29Don't send me flirty messages
07:30I'm out of the game, right?
07:32And I sent them
07:33They were like, hold on
07:34Did you find somebody?
07:35Did something happen?
07:36I was like, no
07:37I'm just detoxing
07:38I'm just like removing all of this from my life
07:40I want to see if I can do this
07:42Can I be without this game?
07:44Or am I addicted to it?
07:46I start there on the 1st of January
07:48And on the 4th of July, 2010
07:516 months-ish later
07:53I meet Priyanka
07:55The universe just says, okay
07:57You're ready
07:59Here's something real
08:0113 years, knock on wood
08:03Haven't had a moment of regret
08:06It's an amazing feeling to feel that
08:09We have our arguments
08:10We have our fights
08:11We are passionate about each other
08:13But not a moment of regret
08:14Not a moment even in my quietude
08:16When I'm sitting by myself thinking
08:18What if I'd married someone else?
08:20No, I can't imagine life without her
08:22And that's an incredible feeling
08:24To have that sense of sureness