The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series. The show ran for over three decades, from 1932 to 1955 on radio, and from 1950 to 1965 on television.
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00:00J-E-L-L-O
00:05The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson.
00:10And now, ladies and gentlemen, as you all know, last Thursday evening was Halloween,
00:14and Jack celebrated by throwing his annual costume party for the Jell-O gang.
00:18So this evening, we will turn back the clock.
00:21The time, last Thursday night.
00:23The place, Jack's home in Beverly Hills.
00:26Take it away!
00:28I'll never smile again, hidey, hidey, ho.
00:35Rochester.
00:36I'll never smile again, till I get more dough.
00:42Rochester, that's a beautiful song. You don't have to change the lyrics.
00:45Well, I'm trying to get a message across.
00:48Oh, you are? Well, you don't have to put it to music and make an opera out of it.
00:52If you want a raise, just come right out and ask me.
00:55I'll never smile again.
00:58Now cut that out and stop complaining.
01:01I'm giving a costume party tonight, and I'm not even dressed yet.
01:04Here, help me pull my shirt off.
01:06Okay.
01:08There. Now hand me that grass skirt.
01:10Oh, boy.
01:17Rochester, hand me that grass skirt.
01:19Tonight, I'm going to be a hula girl.
01:21A hula girl?
01:22Yes.
01:23With your rheumatism?
01:26Never mind my rheumatism.
01:28I bought this outfit when I was in Honolulu, and I'm going to wear it.
01:31Now pin that gardenia in my hair.
01:33Yes, sir.
01:35Well, what's the matter?
01:36I can't find anything to pin it to.
01:42Over my ear.
01:43There.
01:44Say, that's pretty good.
01:46Do I look like a hula girl, Rochester?
01:48I suppose so. I guess they come in all shapes and sizes.
01:55You can never pay me a compliment, can you?
01:57Now go out and make those popcorn balls like I told you to.
02:00Yes, sir.
02:01Say, boss, how about the cider?
02:03The cider?
02:04Do you want me to put a little jolt in it?
02:07Leave it alone. There's nothing more refreshing than a glass of sweet cider.
02:11Nobody's going to slide down the banister on that.
02:14Rochester, it's going to be a party, not a brawl.
02:16Now go tend to your work.
02:19And on your way to the kitchen, answer the door.
02:21It's in the opposite direction.
02:22I don't care. Answer it.
02:25What do you want me to do, rebuild my house?
02:28My goodness.
02:29The grass skirt's a little long.
02:31I'd better pull it up.
02:33It's Miss Limston.
02:34Glen and Miss Limston.
02:35Hello, Rochester.
02:36Oh, hello, Mary.
02:37What do you think of my costume?
02:41What's so funny about me being a hula girl?
02:43Hula girl?
02:44I thought you were a haystack with dandruff.
02:48Mary, if I'm a haystack, what am I doing with this gardenia hanging over my ear?
02:52All right, you're a sissy.
02:53I'm not a sissy. I'm a hula girl.
02:55Princess Jackimoku.
02:57And later on, Mary, when the party gets rolling, I want you to ask me to do a native dance.
03:00No kidding. Are you going to dance?
03:02Yeah, I learned it in Honolulu last summer.
03:04Get a load of this.
03:05It's not the island fair that is calling to me.
03:08Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum.
03:10Wow, how's that?
03:11I sure made my hips move, didn't I, Mary?
03:13Yeah, now move them back.
03:21I'll get them back.
03:22I'll get them back. Don't worry.
03:24Now, Mary, light the candles in those jack-o'-lanterns.
03:27I want to put them in the window.
03:28Okay.
03:29Say, boss.
03:30What is it?
03:31Ain't you cold running around with nothing on but a grass skirt?
03:33No, what makes you think I'm cold?
03:34You got so many goose pimples, you look like a horned toad.
03:39Oh, I'll be all right in a few minutes.
03:41No kidding, Jack. You ought to put something around your shoulders.
03:43Oh.
03:44Well, holy smoke.
03:46What's the matter?
03:47Look at that tattoo on your arm.
03:49Grow with Walt Keegan.
03:53Oh, that. I had it done when I was a young fella.
03:56You know, I had a couple of snorts of elderberry wine one night,
03:59and I felt very civic.
04:02Hand me that pumpkin.
04:03Here you are.
04:04Gee, I'll bet you were a devil in those days, eh, Jack?
04:06Was I? You should have known me then, Mary.
04:08I can just see you standing in front of the pool room.
04:10The straw hat over one eye and a toothpick in your mouth.
04:13Yeah.
04:14When a girl would pass by, you'd yell,
04:15hello, chicken, let's fly the coop.
04:19All right, so I used to flirt with the girls.
04:21You'll get one yet, boss.
04:23Rochester, I thought I told you to go out in the kitchen
04:25and fix those popcorn balls.
04:28Let's see who that is.
04:29Why don't you put swinging doors in here?
04:31Rochester, this is not a saloon.
04:33Especially with that cider.
04:35Never mind. Answer the door.
04:36Okay.
04:37Never saw anybody as lazy as he is.
04:39Say, Mary, I forgot to ask you. How's your cold?
04:41You know, we missed you on the program last week.
04:43Oh, I'm fine now, Jack. I'll be with you next Sunday.
04:45That's good.
04:48Well, look who's here.
04:50Hello, Dennis.
04:51Hello.
04:52Well, look at the kid, all dressed up in a Navy uniform.
04:55Where'd you get it, Dennis?
04:56My girlfriend goes with a sailor.
05:05Oh, well, that was very sweet of him.
05:07You know, Dennis, I used to be in the service myself.
05:09Darn it, I wish I could go again.
05:11What can a hula girl do in the Navy?
05:13Oh, stop, will you? I'm not a hula girl.
05:15You could have fooled me.
05:17There you are. I look all right, don't I, Dennis?
05:19Yeah, but if you're a hula dancer, Mr. Benny,
05:21don't you think you ought to take your shoes off?
05:23Oh, certainly. Why didn't you tell me, Mary?
05:25I can't dance with shoes on.
05:26Here, Rochester, help me take them off.
05:28Okay, hold on, Colonel.
05:30Rochester, I said take my shoes off.
05:32I'm trying.
05:33Well, pull.
05:34Okay.
05:36There.
05:43Now, take the other shoe off.
05:45Say, Mary, I got an idea how you can dress.
05:47Why don't you go upstairs and put on one of my old suits
05:49I used to wear in vaudeville?
05:50Where'd I find it?
05:51They're in the big trunk in my...
05:53Thanks.
05:55They're in the big trunk in my bedroom.
05:57Gee, it feels kind of good to go barefoot.
05:59Look who wants to get in the Navy with those fallen arches.
06:02Mary, I've told you a thousand times,
06:04my arches are not fallen.
06:06Then why do you make a footprint like a wedgie?
06:10Because I like to keep up with the style.
06:12Now, go upstairs and put on one of my old suits
06:14and get in the spirit of things.
06:15Okay.
06:16Rochester, don't stand there holding my shoes.
06:18Put them away.
06:19Well, the right one's got a lot of those
06:20old big one-dollar bills in it.
06:28Stop making things up.
06:29There's nothing in that shoe but an insole.
06:31It's green, ain't it?
06:40Put them away.
06:41I know exactly how much is in there.
06:43What are we keeping Phil and Don?
06:44We want to go out tonight and have some fun.
06:46Say, Mr. Benny, while we're alone,
06:48do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
06:50No, what is it?
06:51Well, how come I only got 35 cents
06:53for mowing your lawn last week?
06:58Uh...
07:00What?
07:01I used to get 50.
07:02Didn't I do a good job?
07:04Well, of course, Dennis, but you see,
07:0535 cents, the grass doesn't grow high in the winter.
07:09Oh, that's right.
07:10Certainly.
07:11I'm sorry I mentioned it.
07:12Oh, oh.
07:14That's...
07:15That's okay.
07:16You're not mad, are you?
07:17No, no, no.
07:19You had a legitimate complaint.
07:21No.
07:22Don't hesitate to speak up, Dennis, any time.
07:24And incidentally, I wish you'd watch those...
07:28Oh, Rochester.
07:30Yes, boy.
07:34There's someone at the door.
07:36I'm fixing the popcorn.
07:39Answer the door.
07:45Now, go ahead.
07:47Yes, sir.
07:48Gone with all this walking,
07:49I might as well be a picket.
07:53I never saw anybody that hated doors, though.
07:57Hello, Mr. Wilson.
07:58Hello, Rochester.
07:59Hi, Jack.
08:00Dennis.
08:01Hello, Mr. Wilson.
08:02Say, I thought you'd never...
08:03What's that supposed to be, Don?
08:05A black costume with white lines all over it?
08:07Why, don't you get it?
08:08No, what are you?
08:09I'm Mr. Wilson.
08:10Say, I thought you'd never...
08:11What's that supposed to be, Don?
08:13No, what are you?
08:14I'm a skeleton.
08:22A skeleton?
08:23Yes, these white lines create the illusion.
08:25Oh, well, those chins cancel it.
08:31By the way, Don, how do you like my outfit?
08:33It's very attractive, Jack,
08:34but aren't you afraid of catching cold?
08:36No, I'm all right.
08:37Here I am, fellas.
08:38How do I look?
08:39Well, Mary, what are you supposed to be?
08:41A ham.
08:42That's an old suit from Vaudeville.
08:45Yep, I wore that suit in every theater
08:47on the Orpheum circuit.
08:48Look at those big checks and pearl buttons.
08:50It's a little loud, isn't it, Mr. Benny?
08:52Well, of course, nobody wears a suit that flashy nowadays.
08:55They don't, eh?
08:56No.
08:57Boys, on Central Avenue,
08:58we got pallbearers that dress louder than that.
09:09I believe you.
09:11What a suit.
09:12Get a load of these cuffs on the sleeves.
09:14Well, it was all the rage.
09:15See, when I used to walk out on the stage in that outfit,
09:17I was a sensation.
09:19What are those red spots all over the suit, Jack?
09:21Those red spots?
09:22I don't know.
09:23They tomatoed him in Toledo.
09:26They tomatoed him in Toledo?
09:32Now, wait a minute, Mary, that's a fib.
09:34When I played Toledo, it was wintertime,
09:36and tomatoes were out of season.
09:37You were so bad, they shipped them in.
09:41Listen, Miss Livingston, Toledo was one of my best towns.
09:43I used to be a...
09:45Open up! Open up in there!
09:47Hey, fellas, there's Bill Harris.
09:48Lately, he sees me in this hula costume.
09:50Answer the door, Rochester.
09:51Here I go again.
09:53Answer it.
09:54Is my gardenia on straight, Mary?
09:55Yes, yes.
09:57Good evening, Mr. Harris.
09:58Hello, Roch.
09:59Hiya, fellas.
10:00Hello, Bill.
10:01Hiya, Mr. Harris.
10:02And there's Mary.
10:03How's your cold, baby?
10:04Oh, a lot better, Phil.
10:05That's swell.
10:06Say, who's the old dame in the grass skirt?
10:11Old dame, this is me.
10:13I'm a Hawaiian princess.
10:15What are you doing later, toots?
10:16Now, cut that out!
10:20I wouldn't laugh at anyone else's costume, Phil.
10:23What are you made up for in that outfit?
10:24Well, I'm Julius Caesar.
10:26You know, the guy that was nuts about Cleopatra.
10:28Julius Caesar?
10:29You know, he was a Roman umpire.
10:32That's emperor.
10:34What a dodo.
10:35Phil, umpire is what Caesar ruled.
10:38Jack, that's empire.
10:40Don, a skeleton should be seen and not heard.
10:45Phil, I gather that you're studying ancient history now.
10:47You know, Mary, Phil goes to night school.
10:49He's trying to broaden his mind.
10:50You ought to clean it up, too.
10:53You said it.
10:54All right, Mary, all right.
10:55You don't have to get derogatory.
10:59There he goes with derogatory again.
11:01If he learns one big word in night school,
11:03he's going to run it right out of the dictionary.
11:06Say, Don, are you going to...
11:08Hey, fellas, you know who wrote the first American dictionary?
11:10Noah Webster.
11:13Noah Webster?
11:14Yes, he did.
11:15He wrote the first American dictionary.
11:17Noah Webster?
11:19Yes, he did.
11:20Noah Webster?
11:23All right, Phil, we know that.
11:24Jack, I'm getting hungry.
11:25When are we going to eat?
11:26Pretty soon now.
11:27All right, Rochester, let's get things rolling around here.
11:29Serve the refreshments.
11:30Okay.
11:31Will you have a glass of sweet cider, Miss Livingston?
11:33Yes, thank you.
11:34Mr. Day, Mr. Wilson?
11:35Thanks.
11:36Thanks, Rochester.
11:37How about you, Mr. Harris?
11:38Will you have a glass of sweet cider?
11:39Absolutely not.
11:40I would have bet on that.
11:43Rochester, no comments.
11:44Now pass that lovely tray of hors d'oeuvres.
11:46The what?
11:47The hors d'oeuvres.
11:48You mean them little things you're eating, eating?
11:50You ain't have nothing?
11:54Yes, just pass the tray.
11:56How's the cider, Dennis?
11:57Whoopee!
11:59Boy, what an imagination.
12:01One more drink and he'll go out and get tattooed.
12:03Yeah.
12:04Now, Dennis, get up off the floor and uncross your eyes.
12:15Showing off on sweet cider yet.
12:18Pass the olives, will you, Phil?
12:20Here you are.
12:21Gee, you look cute in that outfit, Mary.
12:22Where'd you get the suit?
12:23This is the one Jack used to wear in vaudeville.
12:25Yes, sir.
12:26I wore that suit in every theater in the country.
12:28Hey, Jack, look what I found in the pocket.
12:30An old program.
12:31No kidding.
12:32Yeah, from the Globe Theater, Kansas City, Moe.
12:34Oh, yeah.
12:35Who was Moe?
12:36The manager, wise guy.
12:41Who was Moe?
12:42The Globe Theater, eh?
12:44You were the headliner, weren't you, Jack?
12:45I sure was.
12:46Who was on the bill that week, Mary?
12:47Here it is.
12:48Dwayne's Cats and Rats, St. Mule's, Howard's Elephants...
12:52Uh-huh.
12:53...Sinigan's Fleas, and Jack Fanny.
12:59Oh, yes.
13:00I never will forget that week.
13:01I felt like Frank Buck.
13:03Well, let's have something to eat, then we can go out later and have some fun.
13:06Yeah, I want to ring doorbells and run like the dickens.
13:08Don, control yourself.
13:11Oh, Rochester.
13:12Yes, boss?
13:13Did you invite Mr. Billingsley, our boarder, to come down and join the party?
13:17You shouldn't have let him come down here, boss.
13:19I think he's cuckoo.
13:20Oh, you always think that.
13:22What's he done now?
13:23Remember that coil of rope he brought up to his room the other day?
13:26A coil of rope?
13:27Yes.
13:28Well, he's sitting on the floor playing a flute to it.
13:35Oh.
13:36Why didn't you take the rope away from him?
13:38I tried to, and it hissed at me.
13:44Oh, stop dreaming things up.
13:46And ask Mr. Billingsley to come down here.
13:48Hey, Jack, look what else I found in your coat.
13:50What?
13:51It's a letter from an old girl of yours.
13:53An old girl?
13:54Yes, it's signed Loopy.
13:56Oh, Loopy Herman.
13:59Yeah, oh boy, she was pretty.
14:01What did she say, Mary?
14:02Now, Mary, don't you dare read that letter.
14:03It's personal.
14:04My own sweet Jack.
14:05Mary!
14:06Oh, be a sport, Jackson.
14:07Let her alone.
14:08Oh.
14:09My own sweet Jack.
14:10I have written at Remington, but so far have not received an answer.
14:13When am I going to hear from youse?
14:17What?
14:18Youse?
14:19That name's illiterate.
14:21Oh, fine.
14:22One week of night school, and he's a critic.
14:25Get this, fellas.
14:26Now, Mary.
14:27I'll never forget the first time we met in front of the cameo theater.
14:31Our meeting was very romantic.
14:33Although I liked you died when you whistled at me and yelled,
14:36Hello, chicken, let's fly the coop.
14:41Give me that letter.
14:42Pop is afraid for me to marry you because he does not like actors.
14:46But if you still want me, I'm the apple in your life, like what you said.
14:50Girls were silly in those days.
14:51Now, give me that letter.
14:52P.S.
14:53I forgot to tell you, a horse ran away with me last Tuesday.
14:56I wished it was youse.
14:59Mary, give me that letter or I'll tear it up.
15:01Why, Jackson, I can't understand you going out with a dame that ignorant.
15:04Phil, you were spelling Harris with one R up to last week.
15:07You're never right.
15:08Now, wait a minute, Jack.
15:09Phil may not be so hot in English or history, but he's not so dumb.
15:13Oh, yeah?
15:14You just don't understand him, that's all.
15:16I don't understand him?
15:17No.
15:18That a girl, Mary.
15:19Come here, Phil.
15:20I want to tell you something.
15:21What is it, kid?
15:22Well, listen to this.
15:23You know, Phil, I'm critical and analytical where you're concerned.
15:29I've learned just what you're all about.
15:31You mean, Mary, that you think I'm a fool?
15:34I've learned just what you're all about.
15:36You mean, Mary, that you think you've really got me figured out?
15:39I think so.
15:52But look, Mary, I'm only wasting time at bridge.
15:55I don't seem to click.
15:58But when it comes to love, you catch on quick.
16:01Well, there's a lot of other things I know.
16:03I'm kind of C.R.
16:04Where's Alaska?
16:05Alaska's right up, um...
16:07When is Christmas?
16:08Christmas is the 20th.
16:10Who was Lincoln?
16:11Oh, I'll bet you I'm wrong, whatever I'm thinking.
16:14You're not a whiz at any quiz.
16:16Your mind just won't tick.
16:20But when it comes to love, you catch on quick.
16:23Well, ask me something else.
16:24Go ahead.
16:25Now, ask me something.
16:26You don't know what it's all about when you wave that stick.
16:30Well, the stick.
16:31But when it comes to love, I catch on quick.
16:37And even though you have a band, you can't play a lick.
16:41Maybe not, honey.
16:42But when it comes to smooching, I catch on quick.
16:45Ask me something about music, will you?
16:46All right, Phil.
16:47Anything.
16:48What's the downbeat?
16:49A downbeat is when you bring up, um...
16:51What's the half note?
16:52That little round thing.
16:53Ha ha! What's the balance?
16:55I'll bet you it's something that comes with a salad.
16:58You couldn't find your way around with shallow au pairs.
17:03But when it comes to love, we catch on quick.
17:15Yes, sir.
17:17Say, that's cute, you know.
17:18Hey, Don.
17:19Come here a minute.
17:20I've got something I want to tell you.
17:21What is it, Jack?
17:22Listen.
17:23You're kind of slow at playing golf with spoon or nib lick.
17:28But when it comes to food, you catch on quick.
17:31Ha ha ha!
17:35But when it comes to food, I catch on quick.
17:38You sure do, Don.
17:39Hey, listen.
17:40What's strawberry?
17:42Delish.
17:43What's raspberry?
17:45Katish.
17:46What is jello?
17:48It's easy to make, boy, and it tastes swell-o.
17:51You're not a whiz at any quiz.
17:53Your mind just won't tick.
17:56But when it comes to food, I catch on quick.
17:59And he means jello.
18:02When it comes to food, we catch on quick.
18:16Say, that was great.
18:17We ought to sing that Sunday, Don.
18:18Make a note of it, will you, Mary?
18:20Let me do it.
18:21I'm practicing writing.
18:26All right, Phil.
18:27All right.
18:28You can do it.
18:29Well, it's Mr. Billingsley.
18:32Good evening.
18:33Good evening, Mr. Benny.
18:34Entertaining your friends, I see.
18:38Yes.
18:40Yes, won't you join us?
18:41No, thank you.
18:42I was just going out.
18:43That's too bad.
18:44Say, that's quite an outfit you're wearing.
18:45Yes, I'm Napoleon.
18:48There's nothing like dressing up on Halloween.
18:50Oh, is this Halloween?
18:51Goodbye.
18:57I wish he wouldn't drag that halibut across my rug.
19:05Hey, fellas.
19:06Fellas, what do we do now?
19:07Let's order a doorbell.
19:09Okay.
19:10If I hear another doorbell, I'll scream.
19:12Too bad about you.
19:13Come on, fellas, let's go.
19:14Now, wait a minute.
19:15Mary wants me to do my hula dance.
19:16Don't you, Mary?
19:17Yeah, I can hardly wait.
19:18Hey, Don, get a load of this.
19:19I learned it in Honolulu.
19:20Say, Rochester, get your guitar.
19:22Here it is on the piano.
19:24I want a little hula music for atmosphere.
19:26Do you know a little brown girl?
19:28Millions of them.
19:35I mean the song.
19:36Now, come on.
19:37Oh, Jack, you're not going to dance with that cigar in your mouth.
19:40Joe Frisco does.
19:41Come on, Rochester.
19:42One, two.
19:44It's not the island fair that is calling to me.
19:49Look at that boy wiggle.
19:52Oh, Jack.
19:53Jack, stop.
19:55Jack, stop.
19:56Your grass skirt's on fire from your cigar.
19:58Oh, my goodness.
19:59Look at the smoke.
20:00Hey, put me out.
20:01Put me out.
20:02Still, throw some water on him.
20:03Throw the cider.
20:04It's no good anyway.
20:06Well, do something.
20:07Oh, my eye.
20:08I can't see out of my right eye.
20:09I'm blind.
20:10That's your gardenia.
20:11Pull it up.
20:12Oh, yeah.
20:13Well, somebody do something.
20:14I'm getting hot.
20:15I'll get some water out of the kitchen.
20:16I can't wait for that.
20:17Open that door.
20:18I'm going to dive in the swimming pool.
20:20Gangway.
20:21Hey, boss.
20:22Boss.
20:23Come back.
20:24What's the matter, Rochester?
20:25I just drained all the water out of the pool.
20:27My goodness.
20:28He's out on the diving board.
20:29Here I go.
20:30Whee.
20:35Jeepers, creepers.
20:36I'm going to kill somebody.
20:38Rochester.
20:39Rochester.
20:42Rochester.
20:43Rochester.
20:44Rochester.
20:45Rochester.
20:46Rochester.
20:47Rochester.
20:48Rochester.
20:49Rochester.
20:50Rochester.
20:51Rochester.
20:52Rochester.
20:53Rochester.
20:54Rochester.
20:55Rochester.
20:56Have you ever noticed, ladies and gentlemen, that very often when folks sit down to dinner,
20:59the first thing they think of is the last part of the meal.
21:02What's for dessert is the way they usually phrase it.
21:05And the quickest, most satisfactory answer, of course, is jello.
21:09For example, there's that grand new jello recipe, Raspberry Banana Dessert,
21:13as simple to make as ABC and downright swell.
21:17Just make up a package of raspberry jello as you usually do.
21:20Chill until slightly thickened and fold in one banana sliced.
21:24Then mold and serve plain or with whipped cream.
21:27You'll say it's one of the finest desserts you ever tasted.
21:30You really will.
21:31For raspberry jello, like strawberry jello,
21:34now has a new, improved flavor obtained by using a natural flavor base,
21:38artificially enhanced, which gives raspberry jello its distinctive goodness.
21:43Enjoy it tomorrow in Jello's new Raspberry Banana Dessert,
21:47a tempting combination of creamy sliced bananas and rich, crimson raspberry jello.
22:05Well, folks, that's what happened at my house on Halloween night.
22:09And now, ladies and gentlemen, for this week's program,
22:12we bring you that flat-headed comedian, Jack Bello.
22:21J-E-L-L-O