LOST - Full Length in English HD Best Thriller, Drama
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00:00:00You
00:00:30You
00:01:00You
00:01:30You
00:02:00You
00:02:30You
00:03:00You
00:03:02You
00:03:28Good
00:03:32You
00:03:37Hey mom
00:03:39You bought this phone. No one else has this number
00:03:43It's fine just let most of light you're supposed to meet me here ten minutes ago
00:03:53Yes, ma'am
00:03:56Yes, ma'am
00:03:59I will give it to him first thing
00:04:02I promise
00:04:05I love you, too
00:04:09How are you wearing you get in the car before the locals think the imperialists have returned come here
00:04:19Dick
00:04:25City ass on that girl back there. I think it was a girl. You got to be careful out here man
00:04:29A lot of chicks with dicks. I thought we're in a hurry
00:04:33Right, let's get this Marcus brother adventure started
00:04:39One job Express
00:04:59Oh
00:05:22Still with the weak stomach private
00:05:30Oh, what's this Pepto, it's green
00:05:47Thanks
00:06:00It's a fucking crazy place you gotta pay attention quit talking to me trying to drive
00:06:21Dick FYI there's a tiger out here that the locals called Lionel the dong eater funny
00:06:30The henchman gets up to go kick his ass
00:06:32But before he gets to him the Joker slams a pencil down in the table
00:06:36And he says I'm gonna make this pencil disappears like a magic trick and
00:06:41Holy shit
00:06:44Chicken crates so what just drive around it somebody's got a boom
00:06:54Trucks are so packed they fall off all the time
00:06:59They just leave them here
00:07:02Yeah, sort of a take a penny leave a penny sort of thing
00:07:05Do you hear that?
00:07:08Dude be careful. I know I know I'll keep a lookout for the dong eating lion
00:07:14Tiger actually, but I was talking about snakes shit
00:07:17Some fancy footwork Sally. I can't believe you're still that scared of snakes Alex check this out man
00:07:22This is rotor housing for a Huey. Yeah, it's nam. There's more trash everywhere
00:07:27Congratulations toss it back in the jungle. Let's go
00:07:29Are you kidding kid could get hurt with this. There's a kid out there. He's got bigger problems
00:07:34All right, and trust me the kids here are a lot smarter than you come on
00:07:42Whatever
00:07:52What's there you were gonna love this place great view of the valley a lot of tiny women trust me
00:08:00I
00:08:01Hear Brian proposed to George
00:08:03They got married a little while ago
00:08:06Suckers didn't even invite me
00:08:09I'm not sure they like being called that that's not the PC turn
00:08:14Fair enough
00:08:16Did you go?
00:08:18Nah, the ceremony was in Delaware
00:08:21But they threw a ridiculous party when they came back
00:08:25Be money throws the best ragers
00:08:28How about you
00:08:30Just enjoying life
00:08:33School keeps me pretty busy
00:08:35Still can't believe you're teaching you like it
00:08:38Actually I do kids are great
00:08:42That's bullshit
00:08:44Seriously, I love them man
00:08:47Sometimes it's it's like they're teaching me
00:08:51Wow man, that's really cool actually fucking with you kids are idiots
00:08:57That's more like my horrible brother
00:09:00Do like the job though pay is good. Give me plenty of time to fuck around and travel
00:09:06The best part is messing with the kids
00:09:08And kids will believe anything you tell them like this one little turd left on land
00:09:14But I told my class that he just refused to do his homework
00:09:17So I had no choice but to feed him and his entire family to the tiger. It was the entire family
00:09:22Absolutely
00:09:26But I do like convincing them that things can be different
00:09:30You know that the world can be better than just this fucked-up place that they wake up to every day
00:09:36Good luck with that
00:09:39Whatever you do do not look the cook in the eye. I'll explain later. Let's cross here
00:09:49Remember over here, they're all Asian drivers
00:09:51Good evening, Vietnam
00:09:55And I've even making that joke for the last four years every single day, I'm not very popular
00:10:05Yeah, yeah see
00:10:07That is good damn straight
00:10:11Starts off with a little fire ends with a little tickle in your nuts
00:10:16What is it? I don't even really know. I think it's like ancient Vietnamese moonshine
00:10:21Where'd you get it?
00:10:23Well when I first moved here, I planted a garden
00:10:26And just when it started to produce something started picking at all my herbs and vegetables
00:10:31So I asked around but nobody else was having the same problem
00:10:35But every few days I would wake up and all sorts of stuff would be missing
00:10:39So I wake up one night
00:10:41I'm gonna look out my window
00:10:43And there's this old lady in my garden just creeping around man. She must have been about a thousand years old
00:10:48What she'd do she'd look for really specific ingredients and when she found what she wanted she just scurry off into the jungle
00:10:55got up the next day and look for a path, but
00:10:58Couldn't find one
00:11:00Man, if she ends up being a ghost, I swear I'm gonna kick you dude. Shut up
00:11:03All right, you know, I don't believe in that stuff. And you also know I have a huge need to know exactly what's going on
00:11:08Unfortunately, I do
00:11:10So I get a bag full of what I thought to be her favorites and I left it outside. I
00:11:15Waited for five nights in a row nothing on the sixth night. I accidentally fell asleep
00:11:21When I woke up it was still night outside. I
00:11:24Looked where I'd left the bag. I wasn't there
00:11:27Few yards to the left. There's the old lady holding the bag in her gnarled old hand
00:11:33She beckons for me to follow her and of course you go. Absolutely
00:11:38She leads me down this little path
00:11:41Doesn't say a word to me the entire time and then we get to this little hut
00:11:45She's inside was fucking crazy. There's so much crazy shit in there, man
00:11:49It was like a place that you could go to buy a fetus in a jar
00:11:53Mogwai
00:11:54She grabs the huge bottle thing was heavy
00:11:58But she hands it out to me like it's a feather
00:12:01You know, I grabbed the bottle dust it off
00:12:04And I swear there's little people swimming around inside like so small. You couldn't tell if they were happy to be there or not
00:12:11What happened after that? I took the ball and walked on as fast as I could
00:12:16You know, I've been saving it for a special occasion ever since
00:12:20Did you ever go back couldn't find the path
00:12:27And that shit's crazy, you know what the creepiest part is I never had a garden
00:12:35You're a dick
00:12:38Yeah, just like old times it's been waiting though
00:12:56Here's dog shit in your eye
00:12:59You
00:13:03Should have come back home man
00:13:06God damn it. Come on Alex. You had to know that we were gonna talk about this. Yeah. Yeah, I did
00:13:12So why didn't you come I want to deal with all the bullshit
00:13:16all the talk of
00:13:18Carrying on the family tradition and the legacy and which brother gets the lighter. I don't give a shit
00:13:24You know, I don't want to sit there and listen everyone say oh you've got big shoes to fill your dad was such a great
00:13:29Man, yeah, I know he was a great man. He was my dad
00:13:34You still should have come he knew I admired him he wasn't the one that needed you there
00:13:45His mom man, yeah
00:13:48What'd she tell her
00:13:50she said that you're off saving the world helping poor Vietnamese kids and
00:13:56That she's oh so proud
00:13:59of course
00:14:01Who gave the eulogy uncle William
00:14:05shit, I
00:14:07Bet that turned out. Well, yeah, right
00:14:11He started ranting about
00:14:13colon cancer was created by the gays and
00:14:15Colon cancer was created by the gays and his kids ended up having to drag him off the stage. It was great
00:14:21Well, at least he didn't say nigger again
00:14:25Best grace ever
00:14:31I'm sorry, I wasn't there
00:14:37I don't know man. I I'm an idiot. It's cool, man
00:14:46I
00:14:48Know your job
00:14:50Won't allow you to smoke. But all I do all day is
00:14:54Sit around with little kids whose development I've been entrusted with shit, man. I fear for them
00:15:07What the hell is that thing
00:15:09And that's some special stuff my buddy Mars cooked up it's delicious, you know try
00:15:14Nope
00:15:16Just the tip. No, you don't want to put it in your mouth a little just the tip. Just the tip
00:15:19She shut up. It's a conscious. I won't tell anyone drink
00:15:36Thank you
00:15:39I
00:15:45Don't need to show you let's just go
00:16:10Oh shit
00:16:13That was lucky yeah, man, you almost killed that guy. No, man food cart guys and make the best grub and I'm starving. Come on
00:16:22Come on
00:16:25You're gonna love this chin top. Oh, thank y'all. How about oh, yeah
00:16:31Oh
00:16:35It's just gross because it's new it's a state of mind, yeah, no, it's gross because it's chicken feet
00:16:40Trust me in toy. No, I don't like G. I don't mean I'm American hot dog
00:16:46He says he can get you some American pig. Yeah. Yeah, I got it. Okay. Hey, you know what?
00:16:50Why don't you taste my American hot dog? How about that?
00:16:53Yeah, yeah
00:16:59Don't answer it I have to don't hey mom, okay
00:17:06He's coming one sec Alex Alex Alex take the little bastard get back here
00:17:23Oh
00:17:54Oh
00:17:59We should not be here this is bad
00:18:05Wow, this is dangerous
00:18:12Get back here
00:18:23Oh
00:18:45Bob we got to get out of here. Where's the kid fuck just happened man the kid fucking blew up
00:18:54Okay, walk out of here exactly the way you walked in I think we should just
00:19:02What I
00:19:05Think I just stepped on a landmine fuck me stay there. I'm gonna go get help. Okay. Fuck you, man
00:19:11You're not leaving me here
00:19:13Okay
00:19:17Never mind, uh, I'm not going anywhere good
00:19:21Now get over here and help me probe around this thing. I
00:19:24Can't I think I just stepped on one too. That is not fucking funny Alex stop fucking around and help me get off this thing
00:19:43Help
00:19:55Help
00:19:56Help someone help
00:19:58We need help. There's landmines Bob
00:20:02Bob what?
00:20:05No one can hear us that asshole cook might still be close help Bob. They didn't hear the explosion. They can't hear us
00:20:13So we do nothing, huh? I'm just saying panicking doesn't help. We're standing on landmines
00:20:25Okay, what's that thing you guys got in the military where you're you're trying to figure stuff out
00:20:30Reconnaissance. Yeah. Okay. Let's do some recon
00:20:33How do we do that assess the situation identify threats inventory assets plan objectives?
00:20:39Let's recon the shit out of this
00:20:42You're an idiot
00:20:44Focus on the mines. What can you tell me? Well, we can be sure that these mines are Vietnam era
00:20:50How do you know that? Otherwise, we'd already be in pieces pieces modern mines don't use release triggers
00:20:57Gotcha
00:21:02I don't see any identifying marks, but it's probably American but you can see yours
00:21:07Dude I don't see anything. Maybe I just stepped on a stick and freaked myself out. Alex. This is not the time to be fucking around
00:21:13No, man. I think I'm okay
00:21:15Alex stop
00:21:18What do you feel?
00:21:19just pressure
00:21:22Maybe it's just like a rock or something. Okay, grab a stick and probe it into the ground
00:21:28Carefully
00:21:34Okay, it's pretty small oh
00:21:38Oh, man, if I go deeper it gets pretty big. Okay, that's enough
00:21:42It sounds like it's a bouncing Betty likely Vietnamese
00:21:45The hell is a bouncing Betty?
00:21:47It's an anti-personnel mine first guy steps on it. He's gonna get shot. He's gonna get shot. He's gonna get shot
00:21:52He's gonna get shot. He's gonna get shot. He's gonna get shot
00:21:55It's an anti-personnel mine first guy steps on it and then it shoots up into the air after he steps off of it and it
00:22:01blows up the entire unit
00:22:03Fuck this cannot be happening
00:22:08Okay, I got it
00:22:10All right. I'm just gonna run what yeah, you said you said it's a delay it comes up and then it explodes
00:22:15Hi, I can get to that rock right there. And when it's done, I'll go for help
00:22:19And if you do that, don't even bother getting help because it's gonna tear me to shreds
00:22:22fuck
00:22:23What are the chances of wandering into a minefield? They're pretty fucking good Bob
00:22:28This shit happens every week here
00:22:31Yeah, I got a fucking kid mom lost both her legs just walking home from the market I
00:22:39Guess soldiers don't stick around after the war to help clean up do they?
00:22:46Don't worry about mine start disarming yours. Do you happen to have a disposal kit in your pocket?
00:22:54All
00:22:57Right, I'll see what I can do with mine like for me I got ramble for a little brother, right
00:23:12And we're so fucked
00:23:14Everything's gonna be fine. Really how so
00:23:18Eventually someone's gonna realize that the kids missing
00:23:20All right, there's a village a little way up the road and his parents probably live there
00:23:24When I come looking for him, they'll find us. I
00:23:27Totally forgot about that kid. Don't think about that
00:23:31All right focus
00:23:33Bob quit looking look at me
00:23:37They're gonna bring their disarmament team they're gonna get us off these and we'll have our best story ever
00:23:43You know, we'll tell him how stupid the fucking kid was. We'll turn it into like an after-school special. We'll make millions
00:23:50You're so fucking evil
00:23:53Part of my charm
00:24:20I
00:24:27Can't wait to tell my unit about the time that I survived for days on nothing but chicken feet
00:24:32We won't last for days out here. Why is that? It's a lion. Oh the dong sucker gonna come and get us
00:24:39Tigers will only come around if we're wounded or bleeding
00:24:42All right
00:24:44We're smart about it
00:24:45Stand for about 24 hours. I've marched with over 100 pounds for 50 miles. No breaks
00:24:52Standing around for a couple days is gonna be cake. You were moving. We're standing your muscles aren't gonna get the oxygen
00:24:56They need I plan to keep breathing breathe all you want
00:24:59The muscles will eventually go into anaerobic shock and eventually they will start to spasm like seizures
00:25:05No, like cramps and then you'll collapse. So we're basically
00:25:10treading water until we drown but on dry land
00:25:13An awful analogy, but yeah
00:25:18Why didn't you say something well, bro, this doesn't change anything people are still gonna come get us
00:25:25Well, I'm gonna come back and haunt that cook if this is my last meal
00:25:29First thing I'm gonna do when we get off these things. I'll take you to this little joint
00:25:32I know it's run by this really creepy old guy with the beard fought in the war
00:25:37Call him the venerable colonel
00:25:39Is this restaurant at the end of some mysterious jungle path?
00:25:43Actually, it's a cross the street from a artisan coffee bar
00:25:46But uh, he's got some magical ingredients, man
00:25:49what he does is he takes the drumsticks and the breast meat and he mixes in what I can only assume is some sort of
00:25:55Vietnamese black magic because turns everything into mouth gasms. Oh
00:26:00Don't even get me started about the sides man. The best coleslaw
00:26:04Macaroni and cheese man, the potatoes and gravy are the ball. All right, let me guess the
00:26:09Colonel's name is Sanders, you know him
00:26:12Ha weird, yeah best part is this chicken don't even have feet
00:26:28All leaf all day make that shot bitch-ass I
00:26:33Don't want to play anymore
00:26:35Just take your shot. I'm tired
00:26:37Oh, it's a matter air ball, you're afraid the army's gonna find out your grenade throwing skills or shit
00:26:46Yikes I think that is an s wait, wait, wait, I'm getting it in. Yes folks
00:26:50That is indeed an s for Bob
00:26:51Unfortunately, that means big dick Alex is only an e away from being king of the jungle you win man. I quit
00:26:57Well this also just in Bob Marcus has flipped over the game board and stormed off to his room like a little bitty girl tree
00:27:03What do you think about that?
00:27:04I think that's a really big black eye on the time aren't a traditional horse. Well, Alex, I think you're right
00:27:09He's being quite a vagina Bob. Corporal Bob is a fucking bitch
00:27:14Stop man
00:27:15Fucking mine you idiot. I
00:27:18Was joking fucking relax. Don't we get sick of the bullshit that fucking comes out of your mouth man. I mean, come on
00:27:25We're in the jungle
00:27:26We're standing on decades old explosives and we're waiting for a family that we don't even know is coming and it's all because of you
00:27:32me
00:27:33What you chase the kid in the jungle so you could talk to your mommy? I tried to stop you
00:27:37I guess there were no more places for you to run away to in America
00:27:40So you had to pick a country where you could blow up while going on a stroll
00:27:44What'd you fucking do use a dart?
00:27:47Wasn't running away man. I moved here. There's a difference all those stories and adventures
00:27:52They were the random times that you were at home
00:27:57the times that you were there on vacations or when you got kicked out of something, but
00:28:04You
00:28:06Were never really there I went to boarding schools, that's how that works
00:28:12Why'd you go I
00:28:14Wanted to bullshit you were scared. Okay. What was I scared of? I still don't know
00:28:23But what I do know is that you weren't there when a big brother was supposed to be talking about I was always looking after you
00:28:29man
00:28:31What when that little shit was still in your lunch money
00:28:33I took him out behind the school and whipped his ass with his own lunchbox. That was third grade Alex
00:28:38Where were you when I got jumped in eighth grade or when I got Susan pregnant in high school?
00:28:43Where were you and I ran the long-distance race against Park City's and I won
00:28:53Now ironically being with you is gonna kill me
00:29:01I'm sorry. Don't fucking talk to me
00:29:31Oh
00:29:38Dude bamboo beer Stein's pretty sweet man probably hook you up with one
00:30:01Ton of bamboo over here man, I could probably rig you something up to lean on
00:30:12What the fuck that's a playboy
00:30:25Whatever
00:30:26Just keep doing your Vietnamese hat dance
00:30:29some people
00:30:31Started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll can
00:30:35Can you singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends?
00:30:43And it goes on and on my friends
00:30:48some people
00:30:50Started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll
00:30:54Can you sing it?
00:30:56ever just because
00:31:00Oh
00:31:18Cramps are a bitch, huh? Told you should have worked out with me. Oh, fuck you. It's not that
00:31:25Oh
00:31:28What is it
00:31:34I gotta I gotta take shit
00:31:39I'll teach you how to shit in the woods in the military
00:31:45Fuck man, I'm afraid if I go down, I'm not gonna be able to get back up
00:31:48Shit
00:31:52All right, um, hold on man, hold on I'm gonna grab you something to hold on to okay
00:32:00Hold on
00:32:11Okay, hold on
00:32:15Fuck
00:32:18Hurry man
00:32:33Wait, wait, wait, wait, I gotta I gotta take off my pants
00:32:44All right
00:32:48I gotta lean back a little more
00:33:02Yeah, yeah
00:33:05Oh
00:33:13All right, I gotta get up I gotta get up, okay. All right. Hold on. Let me let me get ready
00:33:25Get all the way up
00:33:34Oh
00:33:49Shit Alex help help help ants. They're all over me. Uh, what do we do?
00:33:58Piss on them. I don't know
00:34:05I got no piss
00:34:11Come on okay, uh ants dissolve in alcohol. Come here pour this on
00:34:22Well, I'll take that you little fucking shits, huh, you like that, huh, you want some more
00:34:28Oh
00:34:30Showed them who's boss right calm down. They don't even bite man. Calm down. Fuck you. They don't bite
00:34:37It's not that bad. Not that bad
00:34:40Alex nothing about this is not that bad
00:34:45Okay, you need to relax relax
00:34:50Things not going your way relax you could just leave expelled for disrespect relax
00:34:54There's plenty of schools
00:34:56Do you why for crashing into a liquor store relax cuz mommy and daddy are gonna bail me out just like they always do
00:35:02We covered this and I said, I'm sorry for not being there for you. This has nothing to do with me, man
00:35:07This has everything to do with you and you're relaxing which is just code for running away. Fuck you man
00:35:13Came back for med school Wow
00:35:15The favorite son comes home, huh?
00:35:18You gave mom and dad so much hope that the legacy of family markets wasn't gonna be left up to my dumb ass
00:35:24Thank you. I
00:35:26Was just trying to and then oh, man
00:35:29And then you leave again to go teach ESL the kids
00:35:33Come on, Alex any half-wit from America could have done that
00:35:36But even half-wits aren't stupid enough to go to a place with active fucking landmines lying around
00:35:44It turns out I am a dumb ass
00:35:46Cuz I chased you and here I am covered in ants and I'm gonna fucking blow up man
00:35:52But hey, it's alright be just like Alex relax
00:35:57Think I'm relaxed
00:36:00You have any idea what it's like in my fucking head I
00:36:05Try not to scream every second of every single fucking day
00:36:08It just sits there in my throat trying to crawl out. It takes every fucking ounce of my strength to keep it down
00:36:16You're the golden child Alex
00:36:18I'm the one that should be screaming
00:36:21They didn't even bother naming me Robert you get to be
00:36:24Alexander Marcus the third
00:36:27Everywhere I go. I'm known as Alex's brother. Even when you're gone. I'm in your shadow
00:36:32Try live in the shadow of dad and papi
00:36:35And you ever think about it that way?
00:36:37My entire life was planned out for me before I was even born
00:36:41Always hearing about me being destined for greatness and how great I was gonna be
00:36:45People saying that when they have no reason to think that so you ran away because everyone thinks you're great, huh?
00:36:51That's awesome. I
00:36:53Ran away because I can't handle the pressure being Alexander Marcus the third. I'll never live up to the hype
00:36:59All right. I may be the golden child
00:37:02Did you ever feel unloved?
00:37:04No
00:37:07You got to be loved for who you are I have to try to be someone I'm not capable of being
00:37:12Praise only feels good when it's deserved. Otherwise, just a fucking lie
00:37:18Praise was all I ever fucking wanted
00:37:22Med school was out for me. So I wasn't gonna follow you into that
00:37:25I thought I'd follow in a papi's footsteps and enlist and dad was impressed. He told me come on Alex
00:37:33Dad was surprised
00:37:35Because I made it through boot
00:37:38He may not have said it out loud, but he wasn't stupid
00:37:40In the end he had to know that you were the real legacy in the end, huh?
00:37:47In the end the drugs made him real confused
00:37:50You know how dad would never forget a name or face
00:37:56Last few days in the hospital. I took him some old vacation photos because I thought they'd help
00:38:01He thought I was you
00:38:03And he was so happy that you'd come back home
00:38:05And he was so happy that you'd come back home
00:38:08he said he pulled some strings so that you could finish your degree during your residency and he said that he was
00:38:16He said that you're going to carry on the family name
00:38:24The worst part about it was that it felt so fucking good man to have him talk to me that way for once
00:38:31And he started talking to me about me and he said that I was never gonna
00:38:38Let's just say he didn't have that deathbed change of heart
00:38:43Alex I would have given up all that love
00:38:46If I could have just made a single Marcus man proud
00:38:50I'm proud of you. Fuck you
00:38:54Serious, I tell everyone I can about my badass army, bro. You don't even know what rank I am as
00:39:01Staff sergeant
00:39:03I'd just like to bust your balls a little
00:39:05I'd brag about you to anyone who would listen
00:39:08I know everywhere you were stationed
00:39:10Washington, Texas, South Carolina, Afghanistan
00:39:12Do you want me to name the provinces?
00:39:14No
00:39:18I believe you
00:39:31I
00:39:39Remember that time we were stuck on landmines yelling at each other
00:39:50I bet my left nut we're out here by tomorrow morning. You really think so?
00:39:53No doubt by now. They've looked in all the obvious places for that kid in the morning to look outside the village
00:39:58They'll wonder by smell that abomination you gave birth to and we'll be out of here by dinner
00:40:02And if you lose I get your left nut
00:40:05Fucking weird, but sure
00:40:07Make a little necklace out of it and everything would be cute.
00:40:10I don't doubt that you would Buffalo Bob
00:40:13In
00:40:15Out
00:40:17Done
00:40:19Feel better?
00:40:21Actually, I do
00:40:23And warmer too
00:40:24We just have to keep our heart rates up and our minds calm
00:40:28Thanks Alex
00:40:29Don't mention it. I do this every morning with the kids
00:40:32No man, for everything
00:40:34I couldn't handle this without you
00:40:38Hey, I'm sorry about-
00:40:39Don't be sorry. You were right. I should have been there
00:40:42I'm sorry I let you down
00:40:50Hey man, I forgot I brought something for you
00:40:54Seriously?
00:40:55I did
00:40:56That's weird because I got something for you too
00:40:59Fuck you
00:41:00Fuck you
00:41:02I could have sworn you said fuck you
00:41:04Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
00:41:05Shhh
00:41:06Did you hear that?
00:41:08What was that?
00:41:09Fuck you
00:41:10Fuck you
00:41:11Ladies and gentlemen of the court, I would like to introduce Dr. Fuck You
00:41:14Oh yes, my good sir. It is clearly a case of the fuck you
00:41:18No, I beg to differ my kind sir. It is clearly a monstrous bowel moving case of fuck you
00:41:24Ho ho ho, hey what did the-
00:41:26Hey, do you know who my favorite Vietnamese rapper is?
00:41:29Fuck you
00:41:30What did the two sailors walk into the bar and do? They fucked you
00:41:34So fucking stupid
00:41:37You're so much better at this than I am
00:41:40Fuck you
00:41:55Did you ever sleep with the Kimber sisters?
00:41:58What? How did you hear about that? You were-
00:42:02Colorado school
00:42:03Right
00:42:05So? The sisters?
00:42:07Man, that was just a rumor. It got spread after they transferred and I just went along with it
00:42:12But I swear I didn't start it
00:42:15I know you didn't. I did
00:42:17What?
00:42:18Actually, I had Brian start it
00:42:20I did
00:42:21What?
00:42:22Actually, I had Brian start it
00:42:24Because the only thing he spreads faster than herpes is a rumor
00:42:28Why'd you do that?
00:42:30Thought it'd help you out in your freshman year, man
00:42:34You know what? Actually, it did
00:42:37You remember Lisa? That girl that I dated? She was a year older than me
00:42:41Fat chick that Craig always pretended he wasn't banging?
00:42:45No, man
00:42:46Lisa, she was the girl that I took to the lake house
00:42:50Oh
00:42:51Yeah, um, the ginger with the tongue ring
00:42:54Right
00:42:55Didn't you dump her at the lake house?
00:42:57I did
00:42:58Because I heard that she blew you while I was in Galveston
00:43:02That never happened
00:43:05Yeah, man, I should have known that you would never hook up with a girl that I was dating
00:43:10Actually, I might have accidentally
00:43:14banged her in bail
00:43:16When?
00:43:18When I came back from med school
00:43:20You fucking son of a bitch
00:43:21Man, it was an accident, we were drunk, I didn't recognize her till the next morning
00:43:25You're not pissed, are you?
00:43:27No way, man, that was like a bunch of years in between that, who cares?
00:43:33Fair enough
00:43:34Um, have you ever
00:43:35Hey, man, I did not say truth
00:43:37Okay, well then grab that chicken foot, stuff it in your mouth
00:43:39Alright, truth
00:43:40That's what I thought
00:43:41Have you ever slept with any of my exes?
00:43:45Are we in fact Eskimo brothers?
00:43:47Uh
00:43:51Wow
00:43:53I would have worn my fingers down to the knuckle if I never touched someone that you already broken in
00:43:58Who?
00:43:59Katie Moore
00:44:01You fucked Katie
00:44:03Are you fucking serious?
00:44:04Wait, what?
00:44:06You can't get pissed off at me, you just did the same thing with Lisa
00:44:09Yeah, I can, it's not the same, Katie was different
00:44:11How?
00:44:14I thought she might be the one
00:44:17Well, fuck, man
00:44:19If she were a the, I would never have done anything with her
00:44:22I know you wouldn't have, and it doesn't matter because she wasn't the one, I just
00:44:27Well, maybe she was
00:44:30Katie's the reason I left Cranbrook
00:44:33I thought mom and dad sent you away because you accidentally OD'd on them
00:44:36It wasn't an accident
00:44:39Katie dumped me in
00:44:44The next day I tried to kill myself
00:44:50It's so fucking stupid, I can barely even say it out loud, man
00:44:57I don't know, I was too dumb to even do it correctly
00:45:03For some reason I thought Katie might be my last chance to be who I was supposed to be
00:45:11Did you ever tell dad about it?
00:45:14No
00:45:16I think mom knows, but we never talked about it
00:45:21Why don't you come to me?
00:45:24You're in junior high, what would you tell him?
00:45:32Oh yeah, joke's on you cocksuckers, we need water
00:45:44Ha ha ha ha ha ha
00:45:51That was just thunder, right?
00:45:54I don't know
00:45:56Alex!
00:45:57What?
00:45:58Alex, stay still
00:46:00I think I see something moving behind you
00:46:01Fuck you
00:46:05Fuck man, where is it, where is it, where is it?
00:46:07I don't know
00:46:11It's circling us
00:46:15What do I do?
00:46:16Alright, Alex, concentrate behind you and on your right
00:46:19Tigers always attack from behind and on the right
00:46:23Where the fuck is he?
00:46:26Come on!
00:46:27Alex, what the fuck are you doing?
00:46:29Let's dance, motherfucker!
00:46:31Alex, what the fuck are you doing?
00:46:33I'm scaring it!
00:46:34Do not piss off the tiger
00:46:38Watch out for the mine, Alex
00:46:40What are you doing?
00:46:41I'm trying to light something on fire
00:46:42Okay, good, good, good
00:46:44I need something that's dry
00:46:47Shit
00:46:51Go, stop!
00:47:15He's not after us
00:47:19It's a kid
00:47:23Alex
00:47:25Alex!
00:47:28Make a spear
00:47:38I swear it's true, man
00:47:39When tigers only attack from behind and to the right
00:47:42Would I be safe if I backed myself into a corner?
00:47:46Explain yourself
00:47:47It's more like, uh
00:47:49Man, I don't know, I just
00:47:51I heard it somewhere, shut up
00:47:53Do you have any other useless tips for animal attacks?
00:47:56Like, sharks only attack from the southeast
00:48:00Crocodiles only eat gluten-free people
00:48:04Or poop
00:48:05I can't believe you asked a tiger to dance
00:48:07Believe it, son
00:48:09I got one-liners for every occasion
00:48:11Water heater explosion
00:48:13Parachute malfunction
00:48:15Hanukkah
00:48:16What about R.O.U.S.'s?
00:48:18Rodents of unusual size?
00:48:21I don't think they exist
00:48:25Hey, do you think this beats the time that Craig got Gordon Pamplona?
00:48:30That's a movie
00:48:32Can't wait to see their faces when we tell them
00:48:34Can't wait to see their faces when we tell them
00:48:40Hey, wait a minute
00:48:42That means you're coming home?
00:48:45Talk me into it
00:48:48Plus, I don't want you fucking up the story when you tell it
00:48:50I was gonna say, you cried like a little girl
00:48:53Says a guy who's too scared to shit
00:48:58Hey
00:48:59Would you say I was scared shitless?
00:49:02I absolutely would not
00:49:04I would
00:49:21What are you gonna do when you get back to the States?
00:49:24It's hard to make any long-term plans when I get transferred every few months
00:49:28Must be hard to be such a badass, huh?
00:49:31Mastering all the military arts so quickly
00:49:33From training recruits to dispatching fools with extreme prejudice
00:49:40I'm not a badass
00:49:41Right
00:49:42Because heroes are the only people that say they're not heroes
00:49:46You must get so much ass
00:49:48Well, the uniform does help
00:49:50Anything to distract from that face?
00:49:56So you got someone waiting for you at home?
00:49:59Not exactly
00:50:03Casual dating in small villages can get pretty dicey
00:50:07Maybe I should lend you a uniform
00:50:10Strangely enough
00:50:11Vietnamese girls are shockingly ungrateful to American soldiers
00:50:16Still trying to figure that one out
00:50:18Show me the way to go home
00:50:21I'm tired and I wanna go to bed
00:50:24I had a little drink about an hour ago
00:50:27And it went right to my head
00:50:30Wherever I may roam
00:50:33By land or sea or foam
00:50:36You'll always hear me singing my song
00:50:40Show me the way to go home
00:50:50You were so scared of sharks after that
00:50:51I don't think you ever even went into the water that summer
00:50:55I'm just not scared of snakes
00:50:56Hey, let's just admit that we're both pussies, okay?
00:50:59Admit that you're a pussy
00:51:01I'm just glad we're on solid ground
00:51:05There's no sharks on land
00:51:08Oh well, clearly you've never heard of a sharknado
00:51:11What?
00:51:13Oh my god, you haven't
00:51:16Wow man, you're gonna love this
00:51:18It stars that one blonde chick from Van Wilder and
00:51:22It's amazing
00:51:23It's a movie
00:51:25Called Sharknado
00:51:44Oh sweet Bob, check it out
00:51:48What, you hear someone?
00:51:50Even better
00:51:51Even better
00:51:53I found a J in my pocket
00:51:54Toss me that lighter
00:51:56You really think it's a good idea to get high right now?
00:52:00Being hunted by tigers, standing on landmines
00:52:03Waiting for dead kids' parents, I think
00:52:05Yeah, toss me the fucking lighter
00:52:07You know I can't get high
00:52:09I'm not asking you, just toss it
00:52:15Though you do deserve a puff, man
00:52:22This Pappy's lighter?
00:52:24Yep
00:52:26Did Dad give this to you?
00:52:28He did, but
00:52:29That's great man, do you know what this means?
00:52:32Pappy carried this with him through D-Day
00:52:35He lit cigars when Meemaw was pregnant
00:52:37He gave it to Dad instead of Uncle Roger
00:52:39This is a legacy, man
00:52:40This means he thought
00:52:41He thought it was you
00:52:45What do you mean?
00:52:46He gave it to me when he thought it was you
00:52:48He gave it to me when he thought it was you
00:53:00You know what?
00:53:01Fuck him
00:53:11You still got my flask
00:53:14Take that with you on your missions to save the world
00:53:17I mean, you've already been more places than Pappy
00:53:18And everyone knows you're a badass
00:53:20You're like the most interesting man in the world
00:53:22If you kill people
00:53:23I don't get transferred because I'm a badass, Alex
00:53:25They wouldn't send you to all those places
00:53:27If you weren't a badass
00:53:29It's not that I'm good at everything
00:53:30It's that I'm actually
00:53:32Less than average at most things
00:53:35What about the award you won in Afghanistan?
00:53:37The Army doesn't give participation credits
00:53:39Army merit is given to units
00:53:41Everyone in my platoon got it
00:53:44You're only as strong as your weakest link
00:53:46That wasn't even on the chain
00:53:48My unit got that medal for a mission
00:53:50That I wasn't even on
00:53:52Because I drink water without purifying it
00:53:54And then I just
00:53:55Well you're not
00:53:56You're not there for just one thing
00:53:57I mean
00:53:58Alex
00:54:00I was trained by the U.S. military
00:54:02And I ran headlong into a minefield
00:54:07Come on, man
00:54:09We wouldn't even be here
00:54:10If I just talked to Mom
00:54:14But please don't ever tell her I said that
00:54:33Alex, you hear that?
00:54:35I hear something
00:54:38It's getting louder
00:54:39Sounds like a diesel engine
00:54:41It's not today
00:54:43It's not today
00:54:47Help!
00:54:48Stop!
00:54:49Stop!
00:54:50Help!
00:54:53Help!
00:54:54Help!
00:54:55Stop!
00:54:56Help!
00:54:57Stop!
00:54:58Help!
00:54:59Alex!
00:55:00Stop!
00:55:01Help!
00:55:02Stop!
00:55:03Stop!
00:55:04Stop!
00:55:05Help!
00:55:06Stop!
00:55:07Alex!
00:55:08Alex!
00:55:09Alex, it's going away
00:55:13Fuck!
00:55:15We were so fucked out here!
00:55:17No one is ever going to come!
00:55:19Alex.
00:55:20Do you know that?
00:55:21Alex!
00:55:22What?!
00:55:23You said that there's a village close by, right?
00:55:28Might as well be in Kansas.
00:55:33Alex, you can't conduct a thorough search in a hurry.
00:55:36It's going to take them some time, but they're coming.
00:55:39conduct a thorough search in a hurry it's it's gonna take them some time but
00:55:43they're coming relax
00:55:49it's funny
00:55:59all right breathe in
00:56:02and out
00:56:05and we're done
00:56:13all right cool off it's fine or meditation that's good too
00:56:20my head is the last place I want to be Alex why don't you teach me some
00:56:25Vietnamese you know there might be some hot chick in the search party
00:56:31you know nice toy say that I'm in a tie
00:56:39the hell is that fuck me if I'm wrong but you want to kiss me that is a good
00:56:46one but maybe we should start with something a little easier
00:56:52good hi only oh you talk to me you talk to me oh my name is fuck me my name is
00:57:03fuck me excuse me ma'am my Vietnamese little
00:57:09rusty but it was that uh suck me and fuck you oh no no no it is most
00:57:16definitely fuck you
00:57:22Alex
00:57:30when you uh never mind
00:57:36when you OD'd did you did you think that there was something to go
00:57:47oh no it's just a stupid kid I guess I believed him
00:57:56after lying to him I guess I believed him
00:58:07nirvana heaven or whatever
00:58:15what about now what do you mean
00:58:22do you think there's somewhere that we go
00:58:29there is we all go to the same place
00:58:36really
00:58:40anybody who believes in some sort of celestial favoritism just an asshole
00:58:52what if they're right come on
00:59:06you
00:59:19whoever it is I
00:59:23I'm gonna be pissed if you're not there
00:59:28mom says I'll be in heaven even if I don't believe in it
00:59:35that's because she thinks you're the second coming
00:59:39no she's not that crazy she says is it won't be heaven for her if I'm not there
00:59:53adorable
00:59:58Bob
01:00:04there is heaven
01:00:07we'll all be there
01:00:11and if I have to sneak you in the back door
01:00:22sounds good
01:00:27you
01:00:34these vines won't blow up unless we step off them right obviously
01:00:42yours is big enough to slide your foot to the side yeah yeah but it's not a good
01:00:48idea okay so we just gotta find something on that guy
01:00:51half your way Alex we can't Indiana Jones our way off of mine
01:00:58sure we can and you'll go my car right help all right let's do it let's swap a
01:01:08golden idol
01:01:22you
01:01:32shit
01:01:34um
01:01:38you okay yeah um it's real bad cramp
01:01:45cramp in your vagina
01:01:49yeah
01:01:53must be that time of the month
01:01:57hey maybe we should do some exercises no let's just uh oh let's work on getting
01:02:02out of here okay
01:02:18fuck when you tell me how fucking stupid this plan was look man it was a good
01:02:32idea I just I wanted you to have something to keep your mind occupied
01:02:36with but there's just not enough rocks you wouldn't need rocks if it weren't
01:02:40for me this isn't your fault
01:02:45it's my fault we're even in this hemisphere I sabotage every single
01:02:49opportunity I ever had hurt people that didn't deserve it I disappointed
01:02:53everyone right there's something wrong inside me if I just finished school or
01:02:59gone to dad's funeral anything but now you're here standing on a landmine
01:03:09even if I couldn't live up to my name I could have been a better brother you did
01:03:13the best you could life is hard even when it's easy
01:03:25you know what the shittiest part is I've started to think that I've run away to
01:03:31here and all the other places I gone just open someone's stomach
01:03:37stop me from what I chose done is that it's no dumber than me being jealous of
01:03:43you for getting all the family praise but not actually deserving the praise
01:03:47that I wanted you deserve praise a good man when you pick me up I was being a
01:03:57dick cuz well I can be a dick friends in the family it's just that I really want
01:04:06to hug you now it's too late
01:04:13you
01:04:35I think it's time for me to go
01:04:38okay I'm gonna stay here for a bit why don't you go warm up the car for me
01:04:48I'm a lucky guy oh yeah
01:04:54I was born into any other family I'd be in prison dead in a ditch for worse
01:05:04what's wrong with you
01:05:08I don't make a bet make a bet with me
01:05:13no chicken
01:05:18hello Bobby bitch the chicken
01:05:21Alex what's wrong with you
01:05:25Alex I'm fine man I'll take a bet just tell me what's going on
01:05:32I was hoping the snake wasn't venomous but
01:05:38you
01:05:41Jesus
01:05:47I'm starting to think I might need to get Samantha in a person
01:05:54how do we get some get to the car get to the village
01:06:00but this is why I wanted to make a bet
01:06:06don't worry I thought this through I
01:06:12should think I'm some sucker it's a smart bet where are we
01:06:20Santa on mines left here in 75 they're old most of them I think probably a lot
01:06:31a lot of duds Alex you don't know that for sure we know of three ours and the
01:06:36kids we know the kids wasn't a dud I'm willing to bet that one of the three
01:06:44decades old mines you don't know enough about what you're talking about Alex I'm
01:06:49just working with what I got here we've
01:06:56already established that I'm luckier than you just think about all the trips
01:07:01to the hospital no D I'm unstoppable you're not unstoppable Alex come on I
01:07:08bet you I'd step off this fucker anyone that's so much smoke and then you'll
01:07:18have to tell the rescuers how badass I am
01:07:22I'll tell him how you want like a little bitch the whole time I'm not gonna bet
01:07:27your life man what do I get if I win huh a dead fucking brother
01:07:39and spend my time thinking about the speech I didn't come up with a funny
01:07:46answer
01:07:49don't leave me
01:07:54I stay it's not gonna be the Betty that kills me come on I'm not gonna lose a
01:08:01bet to you think about how awesome this is gonna make me look in front of
01:08:06everyone when we tell them stop man it's the only thing we can do if you step off
01:08:14if you step off yours I'm gonna step off mine how would you do that giving up is
01:08:20good enough for you then it's gonna be good enough for me to give it up idiot
01:08:25I'm doing what's best we're doing what's best trust me
01:08:37Alex
01:08:40no one's coming
01:08:44there are three possible outcomes
01:08:48I stay snake right kills me you're alone
01:08:55I go it's a car it's a village it help
01:09:03all right go the Betty goes off and someone hears a noise
01:09:13unless you figure out how to defuse these fuckers with bamboo
01:09:22proud of you
01:09:25I love you
01:09:33Oh
01:10:04Oh
01:10:12show me the way to go
01:10:24no no no you said that yes you did
01:10:31is that the lake huh the last time you were there before you left
01:10:39we were down by the water
01:10:42it was late
01:10:46you said that you're gonna stay for good
01:10:56I have this crazy thought
01:11:00about how cool it would be to bring our kids there
01:11:14hey mom no one else has this number
01:11:21it's been great we've had a lot of time to talk
01:11:27no I
01:11:31I'm gonna stay here a while with Alex yeah be careful I promise
01:11:58Oh
01:12:02how how
01:12:06hmm
01:12:22no no
01:12:37yeah
01:12:41No
01:12:43Oh
01:13:13Oh
01:13:44Oh
01:14:03situation
01:14:07and I'm starting to
01:14:14that this whole
01:14:18situation
01:14:22what I'm trying to achieve
01:14:28but I try
01:14:32to run
01:14:35Oh
01:14:38Oh
01:15:44Oh
01:15:49Oh
01:15:53Oh
01:15:57Oh
01:16:02Oh
01:16:07Oh
01:16:13to myself
01:16:17surrender
01:16:21to the one
01:16:24please
01:16:28but I still try
01:16:32to run
01:16:35no I still try
01:16:39to run
01:16:41Oh
01:16:48Oh
01:17:11Oh
01:17:14Oh
01:17:17Oh
01:17:20Oh
01:17:24Oh
01:17:27Oh
01:17:30Oh
01:17:33Oh
01:17:36Oh
01:17:38Oh
01:17:41Oh
01:17:46Oh
01:18:08Oh
01:18:15Oh
01:18:19Oh
01:18:23Oh
01:18:31Oh
01:18:35Oh
01:18:39Oh
01:18:47Oh
01:18:55Oh
01:19:03Oh
01:19:09Oh
01:19:19Oh
01:19:23Oh
01:19:27Oh