Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00L&M Filter Cigarettes presents Jackie Gleason in what will probably prove to be a very unusual
00:29program. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jackie Gleason!
00:59Oh, that's good coffee. Ladies and gentlemen, I, uh, think you'll notice that there is no
01:21panel tonight. As a matter of fact, there's nothing here except the orchestra and myself.
01:32I'd like to modify that. There is one other thing. We have a creed tonight, and the creed
01:38is, honesty is the best policy. Now, this program could be the most fascinating you'll
01:46ever watch. I know this, that it's the first of its kind, and could very easily be the
01:55last. Oh, it's good! Now, while I said that we didn't have a panel or anything like that,
02:13we do have a premise, and the premise is this. Last week, we did a show called You're
02:21in the Picture that laid, without a doubt, the biggest bomb in America. I'm telling you
02:43friends that I've seen bombs in my day. This would make the H-bomb look like a two-inch
02:51salute. In our neighborhood, we'd call the atom bomb a scissor. This was oh-ho-ho. And
03:03to show you the element, what luck plays, the element of luck in success. Now, I wasn't
03:11supposed to be here last week. I was going out of town. I was going to play some golf,
03:16and I was going to watch Palmer make that 12 he got, you know, in that hole. And somebody
03:22said to me, how would you like to do a show? And they told me about this thing, and I stayed
03:26around to do it. Now, I didn't have to be here. I could have been somewhere having a
03:31nice cruise on a Portuguese ship or something. As a matter of fact, if I had been on that ship,
03:44I wouldn't be here tonight. This is a new coffee called chock full of booze.
03:58Before we go any further to discuss this catastrophe that took place last week,
04:15and I'll get some dirtier words to explain it later, I would like to tell you that tonight,
04:22our show is being brought to you by none other friends than L&M filter cigarettes. My choice for
04:30flavor. Now, unless you're smoking L&Ms, all you can do is imagine how good they taste. How much
04:38great flavor you can get from a filter cigarette. Not from just one L&M, or two, or a whole pack,
04:46but every time you light up, every time, L&M gives you that flavor. Now, I think you'll agree,
04:53so try my smoke, friends. Unlock some flavor. The next time, every time, reach for an L&M,
05:01because they're the greatest. Now, back to the subject. You know, a lot of people might ask,
05:14how is it possible for a group of trained people in show business, if this happened in a hospital,
05:20you know, some doctors botched up a thing like this, this is the end, they carry him out,
05:30that's all, Charlie. Well, here we are, all trained people in show business, and the best
05:37that you can get. This is, no kidding. These are the finest people. And I imagine that in the group
05:44we had, there were about a group of 20, they had combined experience of about 300 years.
05:51Imagine this. And they put this show on, you're in the picture. Well, now I gotta tell you why
05:59a thing like that happened. Whoa, that's good coffee. I mean, that's a good cigarette. Now,
06:10let me explain this to you. The facts of show business are this. Show business is a very strange
06:20and intangible endeavor. Now, for instance, put yourself in the place of a bank president. Now,
06:27suppose a guy walked into you and you were the president of a bank, and he said to you,
06:32I wanna borrow a million dollars because I'm gonna put on a picture with no stars in it. He said,
06:40and the plot of the picture is this, an ugly butcher up in the Bronx can't get a date,
06:47and it's gonna win the Academy Award. Well, immediately, you know, you step on the emergency
06:55bell, and you hermetically seal the whole bank, and in 30 seconds, Bellevue is there with the
07:03straitjackets akimbo, you know. But oddly enough, there was a guy who did borrow some money from a
07:10bank, who did put on a picture without any stars in it, and it was about an ugly butcher in the
07:16Bronx who couldn't find a date, and the name of the picture was Marty. Now, up to now, it's made
07:22about eight million dollars. So how can you tell, you know? Now, that's a stupid plot that you walk
07:29in with, but let's look at the other end of the road. A couple of years ago, about 10 years ago,
07:36there was a show, a guy had an idea for a show. He said, here's what we're gonna do. He says,
07:41we're gonna put on a show called Keep Off the Grass. It'll be about Central Park. He said,
07:47and we'll get a historian that knows all the funny things that happen in Central Park, and you know,
07:53friends, that there's been some funny... He says, we'll get two geniuses to write the music, and they did.
08:01They got Jimmy McHugh and Howard Deans. They said, we'll get the master choreographer of all times,
08:07Balanchine. He'll put on the dances. They said, then we'll get stars. We'll get Jimmy Durante,
08:14Jane Froman, Ray Bolger, and Ilka Chase, and they did, and they put this show on. I was in it,
08:22friends. It closed so fast, I got caught in the door. So that's the intangible. That isn't the
08:33worst plot, but I was in worse than that. I was in a little legitimate show in summer stock. This
08:41thing was so bad, that opening night, it closed during intermission. You know, there's... Now,
08:53for instance, when they came to me with this ID, you're in the picture. I got to take the blame
08:58for this, because a guy walked in, and he demonstrated. I was sitting with my agent,
09:03you know, and a couple of the people that belong to the agency that I'm employed by,
09:07or guided by, those dirty runs. No, no, no. If I say, I don't mean it. They're all in it. Take my
09:19word for it. Anyway, this guy come in, and he demonstrated this game, and I want to tell you,
09:28we fell down. You know, it was a board, as you saw last week, and everybody stuck their head in,
09:34and then they had to guess what the thing was. Well, we were hilarious, and it got contagious. We
09:38were calling in stenographers, and saying, hey, look at this. People walking down the corridor
09:45with packages. We were pulling them in. Look at this thing that we got here. Now, you can't
09:49imagine how this built up, in our opinion, as a great show. It just caught on. Now, I got to show
09:56you, for you people who didn't see the show last week, who weren't that fortunate, I got to show
10:05you what it was like. Now, will you bring out the tableau, please? Bring that thing out here. Just
10:11bring it up. You'll notice, ladies and gentlemen, that the stagehands have their back turned to the
10:17audience. Now, this is understandable. They don't want to be identified with this thing.
10:23They have wives, and children, and are respected members of their community, and they don't want to
10:32have it. But this is it. Now, if you looked at that, wouldn't you say that was funny? Maybe it's unfair
10:41to show you this. You see, somebody has to stick their... Let me show you, when you put your head
10:45through the hole, how funny it is. Watch this! Up back here, just pull it out. There you are! Look at that!
10:53Take it off, fellas. Well, that's what I mean, you know. Maybe it was because they had the cook over at
11:07General Artist Corporation stick her head in there or something. I don't... But it was very funny when we
11:13were watching. Now, you would think that an audience who watches a show for a half hour would walk out of
11:19the theater memorizing the highlights of the show. They didn't even walk out of here humming the
11:27scenery. But aside from that, we, for instance, we got a call right after the show, and it was very
11:42embarrassing. It was the Russian embassy. They wanted a copy of this tape to show in the Kremlin.
11:49Believe me, if they show this, you'll tell the truth. They had a bomb like this one too. We'd
11:56listen. But Castro has a new slogan since we had this show. It's called, Yankee, go stick your head
12:03in a hole. Now, you take, for instance, the reviews that we got on the show. This was really rough. And I'll tell you why.
12:21You have no idea what an actor goes through when he gets up the next morning and has to open that
12:28paper and look at what they wrote about him when he knows he's laid an egg. And it was especially bad for me
12:37because we did the show on Friday, and at Friday, all the television columns are in bed. So I had to
12:45wait till Monday. Now, this provides bad temper, ulcers, and a third-degree hangover, which was terrible.
12:55Now, you can say things about critics. You can say, well, what does a critic know? If he knew anything, he'd put on a hit show
13:01himself if he knows it all, you know. And you can say the same thing about ratings. Funny thing about actors, they like
13:07ratings when they're high, and they hate critics when they wrap them. Well, I'm of the school that if a critic did know about how to
13:14put on a show, he would. But I'm still on the critic's side because you don't have to be Alexander Graham Bell to pick up the phone
13:21and find out it's dead.
13:22So...
13:28Before I read you the reviews, I'd like to tell you another thing an actor does. He tries to find out who's to blame for this.
13:39He's not. That's a fact. So I'm sitting there grumbling to myself after the thing, who's to blame for this? I tried to find out
13:51whether it was the guy that came up with the idea. It wasn't him because I went along with him, calling in the girls and everything.
13:57Look at this. And it wasn't the producer because I had a little hand in that, you know. I'm very sneaky. I get in everything.
14:05The director put the show on pretty good. The writers, I wrote some of the stuff, so I have nothing to complain at. I finally found out
14:13the guy to blame for this whole thing. Just before the show goes on, there's a guy that says, you're on the air.
14:22Stop!
14:24That's dirty!
14:35Move over Castro.
14:37No!
14:39Before we go any further, I'd like everybody to... I'll tell you more about this thing, but everybody stand back right now because we have some big news for you.
14:50L&M has found the secret. The flavor in a filter cigarette.
14:59If you know the missing word in the L&M jingle, you may be a winner in L&M's $169,000 sweepstakes.
15:06First prize, worth $40,000, includes $15,000 cash, a 61 Thunderbird hardtop, and this $20,000 Westinghouse Total Electric vacation home.
15:19Second prize, a bundle of money, $10,000 cold cash.
15:2423rd prizes, each one a 61 Falcon two-door sedan.
15:29And 1,004th prizes, famous Argus movie cameras.
15:33To be eligible for the big drawing, just fill in the missing word in the L&M jingle.
15:38Complete rules on how to enter in L&M magazine advertisements or where L&Ms are sold.
15:44Enter L&M's $169,000 sweepstakes now.
15:50Now, there's a chance to win a bundle.
15:53But win or not, give yourself the big prize in smoking.
15:57The good tobacco taste of L&M.
16:00It can't be beat, friends.
16:02So unlock some flavor. Reach for the greatest L&M.
16:06♪♪
16:11-♪♪
16:17I didn't know about that extra part you had there.
16:20-♪♪
16:22I'll read you something later that's said about the band, which is a riot.
16:25-♪♪
16:28Another thing, I told you about the guy that says you're on the air.
16:32Well, any of you people who have visited a television show
16:35know about the guy at the end of the show that goes like this
16:38to tell you, you know, that there's no time left and to get off.
16:42Last week, the guy used a real knife.
16:45-♪♪
16:51Now, another funny thing about putting on a flop show.
16:55-♪♪
16:59And I wish I wasn't an expert in all these things.
17:02-♪♪
17:04But after the show is over, you usually stand there.
17:08You know, you're the star and they run up to you and they say,
17:10oh, Gleason, you were gorgeous.
17:12Oh, you were right. I died laughing.
17:15Last week, nothing.
17:18I'm standing there alone like I had eczema from head to foot.
17:23-♪♪
17:26So after a little while of standing around and nobody saying anything,
17:30I started to ask some questions.
17:32So I walked up to one of the stage hands and I said,
17:35well, Charlie, how'd you like the show?
17:38He said, boy, you look thin on a monitor.
17:41-♪♪
17:45This is it, folks, when I say that.
17:48Another guy said to me, he said,
17:50you know the curtain didn't stick once like it did this afternoon?
17:55And I went up to another guy and he says,
17:57we got off the air right on time.
17:59-♪♪
18:01Right on time.
18:03And the only compliment I received is a guy walked up to me and he said,
18:06the commercials were great.
18:08-♪♪
18:10And that was wrong because another guy said they were too short.
18:13-♪♪
18:17But these are the things that happen.
18:19Oh, right after the show, my associate, Jack Philbin, came up to me
18:23and he says, I don't know, I don't know what to think of this.
18:27There's a guy on the phone that wants to sponsor a hunk of this show.
18:31And after I heard these things like you're thin on a monitor and everything,
18:34I said, well, he must be a nut or something.
18:37He says, no, he sounds sincere.
18:41So I went to the phone.
18:42I says, hello?
18:43He says, is this Gleason?
18:44I said, yeah, pal.
18:45Who is this?
18:46He says, I'd like to sponsor a little piece of the show.
18:48I said, well, what product do you manufacture?
18:50He says, Brand X.
18:52Ah!
18:53-♪♪
18:59This is the truth.
19:01Now, after a show, after a show, especially like the one we did last week,
19:06you want to get out and get somewhere.
19:09Anywhere.
19:12And if you have an armed guard, that's good too, you know,
19:15but you want to get out.
19:16So we all went to a restaurant.
19:18My associates and people connected with the show.
19:22And a restaurant you would ordinarily go to eat in, but we didn't.
19:27I ordered a roast double scotch.
19:32Somebody else, a boiled vodka.
19:36And after we had about 30 or 50 of these real sticks,
19:42we began to think it over.
19:45And with the glow of the booze, the show got better, you know.
19:51One guy says, you got to admit, it was a cold night.
19:54-♪♪
20:00Another guy says, yeah.
20:02And he says, don't forget, a week ago it was Friday the 13th.
20:05-♪♪
20:08Oh, beautiful experience.
20:10Then some guy said, look, he said, let's face it,
20:13we were following a tough show, the Inaugural.
20:16-♪♪
20:19That's on all day with the marching and everything.
20:21He said, you can't follow that.
20:24I said, you know, come to think of it, you're right.
20:28I said, they had a misfortune during the Inaugural.
20:31I said, as Cardinal Cushing was making the invocation,
20:35the lectern started to smoke.
20:37Remember it went on fire?
20:39I said, that was their misfortune.
20:42I said, it should happen to us that we had a misfortune
20:45where everything burned up before we got there.
20:49And we could have also used a couple of Cardinal Cushing's prayers.
20:53But I knew that we were finished,
20:55because when I went home to the hotel,
20:57I opened the window to look out and see if it was still snowing.
21:00And they had the nets up.
21:02Now, before we go on with this, and before we continue any further,
21:16let's pause for a moment for a few words from Dennis James
21:19about one of Kellogg's fine breakfast foods.
21:24Hi, this is Dennis James.
21:26I have here a delicious breakfast of particular interest
21:28to anybody watching his weight.
21:30Here we are, the new Special K breakfast,
21:33planned by dieticians to give you the complete protein you need
21:36first thing in the morning, but only 240 calories.
21:40Now, this is the combination.
21:42Kellogg's Special K with skim milk
21:45makes a high-protein, low-calorie breakfast possible.
21:48An ounce of Special K with four ounces of skim milk
21:51supplies the kind of protein that keeps you going strong
21:54right up to lunchtime.
21:55A good start on your day's protein requirement, too.
21:59Now, here is the new Special K breakfast
22:02with the Special K and skim milk.
22:04You can have a teaspoon of sugar,
22:06a four-ounce glass of orange or tomato juice or half a grapefruit,
22:10and either black coffee or tea.
22:12And there you have it.
22:13Delicious, quick, substantial breakfast
22:15with only 240 calories.
22:18So how about it?
22:19Why don't you give the new Special K breakfast a try, okay?
22:22Okay.
22:23♪♪
22:28You know, ladies and gentlemen,
22:32the reason I can come out and joke about this kind of a thing
22:36is because I know that you can't kid the public.
22:41And on top of that, I've been in show business a long time,
22:44and this isn't my first flop.
22:46I've got to tell you about the world's greatest flop that I was in.
22:52This contains all the dreams of an actor
22:55and all of the things you think are going to be wonderful that happen to you.
23:00And it starts like this.
23:02I was working at a joint called the 18 Club on 52nd Street
23:06the same time I was doubling at another club in Queens
23:10called the Queens Terrace.
23:12And that was a club you had to fight pretty good
23:14to work there as a master of ceremonies.
23:17But anyway, I went on for the first show at the 18 Club,
23:20and Jack Warner was in the audience of Warner Brothers Studios,
23:23and I didn't know this.
23:25And I left immediately because I had to get in the car
23:27and rush to Queens to do the second show.
23:30Now, I had found out this later,
23:32that Warner had gone up to Freddy Lamb,
23:34who was the guy that was running the 18 Club,
23:37a fine guy, and who was my manager
23:39because he had bought me a tuxedo.
23:42And if you think that wasn't a nice gesture,
23:47you should have seen me in those days.
23:49Well, anyway, he went up to Freddy Lamb.
23:51He said, this kid here is a riot.
23:53We've got to have him.
23:54We're starting a picture in two weeks,
23:56and he's got to be out there.
23:58Freddy Lamb says, all right.
23:59He says, but let's not rush about this thing.
24:01Now, what do you want to give the kid?
24:03And Jack Warner said, $85 a week.
24:05He says, right, you got him.
24:07Now, anyway, I come back to the 18 Club,
24:11and Freddy Lamb says, well, pal, you're in pictures.
24:14And he told me the story.
24:16Well, I was never more thrilled in my life.
24:18You know, I was a young kid, a hambone of all times,
24:23with a lot of guts and very little talent.
24:25And this, to me, was the tops of everything.
24:29So a week later, they see me down to the train.
24:33We're all going pretty good.
24:35And Freddy Lamb gives me $150 spending money
24:39to last me for the trip and the few days
24:41that I have to wait until my first paycheck comes.
24:44Well, I get in the train, and I'm dreaming.
24:47Oh, clock, cable, move over.
24:49And we finally get to Chicago.
24:52And if you know anything about the trains that go to Chicago,
24:55you arrive in Chicago 9 o'clock in the morning,
24:58and the train lays over there till about 4 in the afternoon.
25:01So you have to go somewhere.
25:02So I went to Onrese's restaurant where you have coffee,
25:05and I met the guys.
25:06Red Skelton was there, Danny Thomas.
25:09They were all working in town, and I got talking to them.
25:11Then we went and had a couple of drinks.
25:13Then I called up the train to see if there was a train
25:15leaving tomorrow that I could get on, and they said yes.
25:19And I watched their shows at night,
25:21and we went to a gambling joint, and I lost all the money.
25:25Now, I get on the train, and after paying the porter
25:29for my bags, I had exactly $4.25 left
25:34and two days on this train to California.
25:38Now, the guy is going through the train with the bell.
25:41Bing, bong, bing, bong.
25:44First call for lunch.
25:47I'm not worried about the lunch.
25:49I'm as dry as toast, you know.
25:52So I figured there's something I have to do
25:55so I don't starve to death, and I got off the train
25:57at the first stop, and I bought a whole box of Baby Ruths.
26:02Those little candies.
26:04For two days, I ate Baby Ruths with the bing, bong, bing, bong.
26:11When I got off the train, I was loaded with pimples and despair.
26:16The guy that was at the train to meet me said to me,
26:25what studio do you want to go to?
26:27I said, the Brown Derby Restaurant.
26:30Anyway, well, I'll have to tell you the end of the story
26:34right after our next commercial.
26:36Now, as I told you, tonight, our show is brought to you
26:40by L&M, and when I ask you to try my cigarette, L&M,
26:45I ask you to try them for only one reason, taste.
26:50Really good tobacco taste that gives you pleasure,
26:53and is there anything better than pleasure in a cigarette?
26:57Believe me, I've tried all brands,
27:00and if I had my cigarettes made to order,
27:02I'd still settle for L&M, and I think you will too.
27:06So unlock some flavor, friends.
27:09Reach for an L&M.
27:11Now...
27:12♪♪
27:17Now, before finishing the story,
27:19could I have another cup of coffee, please?
27:21This is the finish.
27:26The sole survivor.
27:30We had four of these when we were going good last week.
27:34Anyway, I made the picture.
27:36It was called Navy Blues, and it was a pretty good picture.
27:39Jack Haley was in it.
27:41Jack Hokey, Martha Ray, Ann Sheridan, Jack Carson,
27:45they were all splendid, but I had the kind of a part
27:47like if there were a big group of sailors
27:49and they said, let's get on a boat,
27:50I'd say, yeah, let's get on a boat, and we'd all run on.
27:53Then if they said, let's get off the boat,
27:55I'd say, yeah, let's get off the boat,
27:57and we'd all run off.
27:59Well, we did this picture,
28:01and I couldn't wait till it came out,
28:03and it came out and played at the Warner Brothers Theater
28:05on Hollywood Boulevard, and I went to see it.
28:08And I came out, and I was pretty dejected,
28:11and I called up Jack Haley,
28:12who was a good friend of mine then and still is,
28:15and I said, Jack, I just saw the picture.
28:18He says, well, how were you in it?
28:20I said, I looked like somebody
28:22watching the picture being made.
28:24Now, that's not such a funny story,
28:29but believe me, it really hurt here.
28:33But I have learned through just such,
28:35are you saying 30 till we're finished, or what?
28:38Yeah?
28:40Well, let me tell you something.
28:42This isn't a requiem for a heavyweight.
28:46I'm coming back next week.
28:49I don't know what we're gonna do,
28:51but take my word for it.
28:56Tune in on the next chapter,
28:58because this might be the greatest
28:59soapless opera you've ever seen.
29:04I would like to close,
29:05I would like to close with this little poem.
29:08If I am in an easy chair
29:10with not a problem, not a care,
29:12should some dear faithful friend
29:14appear and tell me of a great idea,
29:17a TV show that seems a beaut,
29:20I'll smack him right in the snoot.