Premiere (and only ep), 1/20/61
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00:00Kellogg's presents, Jackie Gleason.
00:24You're in the picture with Jackie's guest,
00:27Jan Sterling, author-treater, Patricia Carroll, and Pat Harrington, Jr.
00:32And now, here's the head of our gallery, our catalyst, Jackie Gleason!
00:39Thank you!
01:09Ah, oh, you're a good group.
01:15I want to thank you very much.
01:17As you noticed, Mr. Olson introduced me as a catalyst.
01:22For all of you people who don't know what a catalyst is,
01:25as soon as I look it up, I'll tell you.
01:28Now, we have some fine guests on our panel this evening,
01:31and I'd like to introduce them to you individually.
01:34First, we have Miss Jan Sterling.
01:42Mr. author-treater.
01:48Miss Pat Carroll.
01:54And Pat Harrington, Jr.
02:02Now, before we begin our game, I would like to introduce to you another celebrity.
02:08Kellogg's.
02:09Take my word for it, ladies and gentlemen, Kellogg's cereals are a good group.
02:16They bring the best to you each morning.
02:19Now, take for instance, Kellogg's cornflakes.
02:24Over a million packages just like this, every day, are emptied by Happy Edith,
02:30because this one is the world's favorite.
02:34Now, if you haven't had these lately, do yourself a favor.
02:38Get with Kellogg's cornflakes.
02:41And now, ladies and gentlemen, we're ready for our game.
02:44It's a very simple game, and as soon as I explain it to you,
02:47I know you'll catch on immediately.
02:49We roll out some pictures.
02:51The panelists put their heads into holes that have been cut into the pictures.
02:56Now, they can't see what the picture is because we have a little collar under their chin.
03:01They try to guess what the content of the picture is or what they portray in the picture.
03:07Now, if they should guess a picture, we send 100 care packages in their name.
03:16If they should miss a picture, we send 100 care packages in my name.
03:22So, with this game, everybody wins, nobody loses.
03:32Now, we're ready for the first game. Let's show the folks at home the picture.
03:51Would the panels kindly step in?
03:59Now, there's a motley group.
04:02This happens to be a historical event.
04:06And as a clue, I might say that this is a slice of life.
04:10A what?
04:12A slice of life.
04:14Now, we'll begin the interrogation with you, Miss Carroll.
04:18Would I be considered or would I be allowed as a guest at the inaugural ball tonight?
04:24I imagine you would, yes.
04:27Would I be dressed in the modern costume?
04:32No, you wouldn't be dressed in a modern costume, no.
04:35Am I an individual character in history?
04:41Well, you couldn't be a crowd, that's a cinch.
04:44Well, I am an individual. Is my period of history within the past 300 years?
04:49I'm sorry, your time is up.
04:51And now we go on to Mr. Pat Harrington, Jr.
04:54Am I doing anything with food here?
04:57No.
05:01You look like you're being choked by that thing. Get in a little further.
05:04Thank you very much. Now I'm suffocating.
05:08Do I have a specific get-up?
05:11You say it's a slice of history.
05:12Do I have a specific outfit?
05:14Yes, you do.
05:16Does this outfit indicate my trade?
05:24Well, if you were in the business of haircutting, I guess it would, yes.
05:31Was that a noise?
05:33No, no, I'm sorry. Your time is up.
05:35And now Mr. Treacher.
05:36Am I a man?
05:39Yes, you are, but only for a short while.
05:44Am I sitting down?
05:46No, I'll give you a little hint. You're kneeling down.
05:50Oh, am I going to be beheaded?
05:55Yes, you sneak.
05:57Well, I just wondered.
05:59You're going to be beheaded.
06:01Is that good enough?
06:02No, that's not good enough.
06:04I'd like to know...
06:05I'm sorry, your time is up.
06:08Now we get to Jan Sterling.
06:10Is Arthur going to be beheaded by a knife?
06:13I guess you could call it a knife, yes.
06:15A guillotine?
06:16No, not a guillotine.
06:17A headman's axe?
06:20Well, an axe.
06:21An axe.
06:23Now, what you should try to get is who is going to do the job.
06:28Am I a male?
06:29Yes, you are.
06:30Am I an executioner?
06:33Well, you will be as soon as you carry this thing out, if you get a chance to carry it out.
06:38Is this done in a public square?
06:40I'm sorry, your time is up.
06:42I'll give you another clue.
06:44This probably could be the first illustration of Yankee Go Home.
06:53Oh, I know! I know!
06:55What is it?
06:56You know what?
06:57Pocahontas.
06:58You're absolutely right!
07:04Yeah!
07:13I want to tell you something.
07:14The barbershop.
07:15Huh?
07:16The barbershop.
07:17Would you get a better haircut than that?
07:19Yeah, no.
07:21Jan Sterling is probably psychic.
07:24Uh, we are ready for our next game.
07:27Could we let the folks at home see the next picture?
07:34Pocahontas
07:45Would you step in, panel?
07:54Now, uh, this picture depicts a song title.
08:00Uh, the three of you have a good head for figures.
08:04And the other ads are pretty good, too.
08:07Now, we'll start with you, Mr. Harrington.
08:10Am I a male?
08:11Yes, you are.
08:12Um...
08:13Quite a man.
08:14Really, yeah?
08:15Um, do I, um...
08:17Would I attract any attention with the way I look, the way I'm dressed?
08:21Well, you'd like to, but, uh, unfortunately, your attraction is being, uh...
08:28I got it, Jack.
08:29Uh...
08:32It's a slap like this that you need John Daly.
08:37Uh, if I don't get this, are they going to pick up your options?
08:41No.
08:43Am I a...
08:44I'm sorry.
08:45We go to Jan Sterling.
08:47Am I a female?
08:48No, you're not.
08:49A male?
08:50That's correct.
08:51A small male?
08:52No, a large one.
08:53Uh, am I modern?
08:55Yes, you are a modern male.
08:57Am I doing something that you would do?
09:00I'm afraid so.
09:04Standing on the corner watching all the girls go by?
09:08Boy, you don't know how close you came.
09:12Uh, you're, uh, standing somewhere and you're watching something.
09:16It isn't plural, but, uh...
09:18Oh, um...
09:20Let me see.
09:21Uh, you've got a pass.
09:23Oh, well, uh, Mr. Treacher?
09:25Am I a male?
09:26No, you're not.
09:27I'm a girl?
09:28Oh, you're so lovely, Arthur.
09:31Am I the kind of a girl you would like to know?
09:35Oh.
09:43Uh, I imagine you would be the type girl that I'd like to know.
09:47That I'm beautiful and soignée and singly?
09:50Well, let's not go too far, Arthur.
09:52Am I holding anything?
09:55You're holding some attention, I'll say that.
09:58That is all.
09:59Yes.
10:00And I'll be something you like.
10:02Oh, what a pity.
10:03I'm sorry, now we've got to patch up.
10:04Am I a girl also?
10:06Uh, no, you're not.
10:07Uh, I am, I am lower, I have a feeling, than everybody else.
10:11Am I kneeling?
10:14Mm, well, you're kneeling, part of you is kneeling.
10:18And the other part of you is elbowing.
10:23A centaur?
10:25A centaur?
10:26Yes.
10:27I'll talk to you after the show.
10:28Yes.
10:29No, not a centaur.
10:30Well, then I am not really, am I, am I, am I alive?
10:35Oh, you're alive, all right, very much alive,
10:37and you're becoming more alive every minute.
10:39If I'm elbowing, am I doing something to Arthur, who is a lady?
10:44I will say that, yes.
10:45You are ogling Arthur.
10:48Now, I'll give you another clue.
10:51Uh, this picture could be titled,
10:53A Little French Dressing on the Side.
10:59Is, uh, um, are we in a specific place?
11:02Yes, you are.
11:03Is it a bar?
11:04No, it's not.
11:05Is it a French bar?
11:08What's the difference?
11:09I don't like a good area, I don't want to get out.
11:13Um, French, French dressing on the...
11:16I never asked you, am I a man?
11:18Oh, yes, you did ask me,
11:19and I told you you were a very fine man, a big man.
11:21Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:22You're very insecure about this, I should pass.
11:24Right.
11:26Well, it's only make-believe, you know.
11:28I haven't spoken to my agent in three days, and, you know, I...
11:32Is Arthur half...
11:33I'm sorry, your time is up.
11:35Are we three boys watching Arthur?
11:37You're absolutely right.
11:39Is Arthur undressing?
11:40Or dressing?
11:41Is Arthur undressing?
11:43No, he's not.
11:45Is he undressed?
11:46I'll tell you this, that if he were going to undress,
11:48it would take a very short while.
11:57French, French, French.
11:58Yes, are we in Paris?
12:00No, you're not in Paris.
12:01Well, you could be in Paris.
12:02Are we watching Arthur's window, are we?
12:04But don't forget, this is a song title, an American song.
12:07American song?
12:08Oh, you know this song, Like a Bird, I know you do.
12:11I don't know, like, oh, like a bird, oh, please.
12:14It's not something for the boys.
12:15Oh, no, now don't take bird for a clue.
12:17That wasn't a clue, I just said that.
12:19Something for the boys?
12:20My manner of speech.
12:25Well, I'm sorry.
12:27You have failed miserably.
12:30You were three men ogling Arthur Treacher
12:34who portrayed the girl with the itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny,
12:38yellow polka-dot bikini.
12:40And that's the title of the film.
12:46THE END
12:52Before we continue with our next game,
12:54let's see another kind of interesting picture.
13:00Good evening, everybody.
13:01This is Dennis James.
13:02I just want to say that it's going to be lots of fun
13:04for me to be in this picture with Jackie Gleason,
13:06talking to you folks about all the wonderful Kellogg products.
13:09So I'd like to suggest right now that you kind of pull up a chair
13:12so you're in the picture.
13:14See, once you're next to these,
13:16I think that you'll want Kellogg's Corn Flakes
13:18to bring the best to you each morning, every morning.
13:22Most people do.
13:23See, this is the best-liked, the world's favorite cereal.
13:26It's got the best flavor, too.
13:28That's the secret.
13:29And it's Kellogg's secret.
13:31And when you think about it,
13:32it is a secret to make good food taste good.
13:36And in Corn Flakes, Kellogg's has it all ready for you.
13:39Crisp and fresh.
13:41The real thing.
13:42A Kellogg's good morning.
13:45The best to you each morning.
13:48K-E-L-L-L, oh, double good,
13:50Kellogg's best to you.
13:52So how about it?
13:53Have some right after the show tonight and tomorrow morning.
13:56Try it real soon, okay?
13:58Okay.
14:08Now, ladies and gentlemen, we're ready for our next game.
14:11Will you show the picture to the folks at home?
14:27Will the panel kindly step in?
14:35Now, this picture depicts a cultural display.
14:41And while three of you are very famous,
14:44the other one keeps giving you the brush off.
14:48Now, we'll begin with you, Arthur.
14:50Am I a man?
14:51Yes, you are quite a man.
14:53I am a man.
14:54And am I holding anything?
14:57You sure are.
15:00Is it a dangerous weapon?
15:02The way things are going, yeah.
15:05Do I buy this at an ironmonger's?
15:08At where?
15:09At a hardware store.
15:11At an ironmonger's?
15:13Yeah.
15:14At a hardware store, you know.
15:16Hardware store.
15:17Please speak in our idiom,
15:18because I don't think ironmongers...
15:20Well, I mean a hardware store.
15:22No, you couldn't buy that there.
15:24I'm sorry, your time is up.
15:25And now we get to you, Pat.
15:27Is Arthur doing something to me?
15:30No, he's not.
15:31No, no.
15:32He's not doing anything to me.
15:34Am I alive?
15:35Am I a human being?
15:36Oh, yes, you're a human.
15:38I am human.
15:39Am I a woman?
15:40No, you're not.
15:41You're a man.
15:42I am a man.
15:43Am I doing something to somebody else?
15:45Well, you've done something to everyone,
15:48but you have just finished doing something to someone.
15:52Let's see you get away with that.
15:55I am doing something to somebody.
15:57Well, you have just finished doing something to someone.
16:00Is this thing that I'm doing,
16:01does it give pleasure to the people I'm doing it to?
16:04Oh, I'm so sorry.
16:05I couldn't answer that.
16:07Jan?
16:08Are we statues?
16:12I told you, this thing is psychic.
16:14Yes, you're statues.
16:16And is one of us a cleaner or a duster or somebody
16:21that's cleaning statues?
16:22That's right.
16:25I'll give you another hint.
16:27You look like a waiter in a pizzeria.
16:36You're so close, Jan.
16:39Am I the keeper?
16:41I'm sorry, your time is up.
16:43And now who?
16:44Thank goodness.
16:45And we get to you, Pat.
16:47Is she using a discus?
16:50Yes, she is.
16:52Are there three of us involved in one scene?
16:56That's right, three of you involved in one scene.
16:58Will there be like three events?
16:59Three...
17:00Separate, distinct events?
17:01Three statues, isn't it?
17:02Three statues, yes.
17:04I'm the discus thrower.
17:05That's right.
17:06Am I a weight thrower or something?
17:08Are we all aiming our stuff at her, at Pat Carroll?
17:10No, you're not.
17:11We're not?
17:12No.
17:13It'd be funny, wouldn't it?
17:14Yes, it would.
17:16If she hit you with that pizza, it'd be funny,
17:18I'll tell you that.
17:19You're close, though, Pat.
17:20Yeah, well, I get the feeling I am.
17:22You do?
17:23Now, we have a few seconds left.
17:26Is somebody dusting us off?
17:28Yes, they are.
17:29All right.
17:30Am I a javelin thrower?
17:31No, you're not a javelin thrower.
17:33Oh, one of them is the museum keeper, perhaps?
17:36That's correct.
17:37Oh, now you'd like to know which one, wouldn't you?
17:39Yes.
17:40Arthur, I think I am the javelin thrower.
17:41Now, remember, I told you,
17:42you asked if you were carrying something,
17:43and I said yes, a big deal.
17:45Well, I did a big deal because I said javelin thrower,
17:47but anyhow...
17:48Oh, a pole vault!
17:51How can you carry a pole vault?
17:54What's the matter with you?
17:58No, uh...
17:59Well, I'm...
18:00I'm sorry, your time is up.
18:01Jan?
18:02The psychic one.
18:03Am I a female statue?
18:05No, what you said was right.
18:07You're the discus thrower.
18:08Oh, I forgot.
18:09Now, just try to think what the rest are.
18:10Is he a female discus thrower?
18:11She's the discus thrower.
18:12Who's the female?
18:13Is he David?
18:14Is Arthur David?
18:15There's no female.
18:16Is this guy associated with this?
18:18How did I get mixed up with this?
18:19How did I get mixed up with this?
18:25Now, Jan is a female portraying a male statue,
18:28which is the discus thrower.
18:30Now, does that give you any idea what you are?
18:32Well, it's got to be a gift from Cuba.
18:36I'd like to give...
18:37He's looking for a gift like this from Cuba.
18:40Have we got the thinker?
18:41Is one of us the thinker?
18:43You're absolutely right.
18:44Now, what is the other one?
18:45A thinker and a discus thrower?
18:46The thinker...
18:47And an agent!
18:50No, but sometimes agents look like Arthur does.
18:52And the Venus de Milo?
18:53Uh, no.
18:55Oh, you're so...
18:56David!
18:57Oh, Aphrodite!
18:58No, no, no.
19:00I'm sorry.
19:02But I must give you credit.
19:03You had three quarters of the picture.
19:07Arthur is Atlas holding the world.
19:10And the title of the picture was
19:12The Metropolitan Museum of Art.
19:20THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART
19:26Ladies and gentlemen, next week,
19:29our sponsor will be Liggett & Myers.
19:33And I'm very happy that they are going to be in the picture with us.
19:37Because they make a fine cigarette that I enjoy a great deal.
19:41And I know many of you will enjoy it if you try it.
19:45This is it.
19:46L&M filter cigarettes.
19:49Now, I'd like you to know that I was in the picture with L&M
19:52long before they were in the picture with me.
19:56Of course, this package is important because
19:59when you go to buy L&M, you should know what they look like.
20:03But this is where the curtain really goes up.
20:07Taste.
20:08Taste for yourself just how good a filter cigarette can be.
20:13L&M is my smoke because I think taste is great.
20:17And if I ask you to try it,
20:19it's because I think that you're going to like them too.
20:22Now, unlock some flavors.
20:25The next time, every time, reach for an L&M.
20:29They're the greatest.
20:37We are ready for our next picture.
20:40Show it to the folks at home.
20:47♪♪
20:52♪♪
20:58Will the panel kindly step in?
21:01-♪♪
21:05Now, this picture portrays a very famous theatrical group.
21:10And the clue I might give you is that I can truthfully say
21:13you look like loads of fun.
21:16Now, we begin with you, Mr. Harrington.
21:18Do I work in this country?
21:21Oh, yes.
21:22I'm not the Abbey player.
21:23No, you're not the Abbey player.
21:25You're more like the baby player.
21:27A theatrical group.
21:29Theatrical group.
21:30Loads of fun.
21:31Has anything to do with films?
21:33No, I don't think you've been in pictures.
21:36The circuit.
21:38There's been a circuit connected with what you appeared in.
21:43Oh, I'm thinking of some specific act.
21:45That's not the right act here.
21:48Am I a man?
21:49Are we all doing something together?
21:51You are.
21:52I'm sorry.
21:53Are we not adults?
21:55Are we children?
21:56Oh, you're all adults.
21:57Very large adults.
21:58Oh, we're extra large adults.
21:59We're king-size adults.
22:01Yeah, well, queen-size adults.
22:03We're women.
22:04All four women.
22:05You're all four women.
22:06Are we doing it together as a group?
22:08You are doing it together so nice as a group.
22:10Except for one.
22:11One of you looks a little lefty.
22:13Oh, lefty.
22:15Is what we're doing dancing?
22:17Yes, you are.
22:18We are dancing.
22:19It is a certain kind of dancing.
22:20Yes, it's a particular kind.
22:23Would it create marvelous excitement from the audience,
22:26the type of dancing that we do?
22:28Well, I would say that it would...
22:29I'm sorry, time is up.
22:31Arthur, are we animals?
22:36Well, a lot of people would call you elephants,
22:37but I don't think you're animals.
22:41Well, then, all right.
22:43Are we holding anything?
22:45Each other.
22:46Each other, and are we not dancing?
22:48You are dancing.
22:50Dancing, you're dancing.
22:52Dancing, are we dancing in rhythm?
22:57Well, all except one.
22:59She has some other ideas.
23:01But are we on our toes?
23:03No, you're on your heels.
23:04You're on my toes.
23:05I couldn't help it.
23:06Now we get to Miss Sterling.
23:08Are there only four members of this troupe?
23:11Oh, and we're women.
23:12You said loads of...
23:14Are we very heavy?
23:16Yes, you are.
23:17She's gorgeous.
23:19Oh, there are four ladies that are very heavy.
23:23But I'm afraid I don't know their names.
23:25Oh, the Broadway show, My Four Ladies.
23:35They appeared on Broadway for a very short time.
23:39Four ladies in the circus.
23:41In the circus.
23:42Four lady elephants in the circus.
23:44Hold it!
23:45Wait a minute!
23:46All right!
23:48The Peter sisters?
23:49The Peter sisters?
23:50No.
23:51The what sisters?
23:52The brother sisters.
23:53The brother sisters.
23:57Is that an act that goes forward and backward?
24:01Wait a minute!
24:02You're absolutely right.
24:03Billy Watson's beef brats is the big deal.
24:08All right.
24:09We're ready for our next picture.
24:11Let's show it to the folks at home.
24:25Now will you take up the screen?
24:39Step in, panel.
24:44Step in, panel.
24:48Now, this is...
24:50The category that this is in
24:52is a scene taken from a piece of famous literature.
24:56And the clue I will give you is
24:58if you don't lock your front door,
25:00this kind of thing will happen every time.
25:03We'll begin with you, pal.
25:04Uh, Ed, am I a man?
25:06No, you're not.
25:07No, you're not.
25:08And I'm a woman, then?
25:09That's correct. Well, you're a female.
25:10I am a female.
25:12Well, what do you mean I am just female?
25:14Is not enough to be just female?
25:16Yes.
25:17Want to start a whole thing about that?
25:21I'm just female.
25:22Am I dressed in a particular way?
25:25Now we go to Arthur.
25:26Am I human?
25:28No, you're not.
25:29Animal.
25:30Yes, you are.
25:31Female animal.
25:32No, you're not a female animal.
25:34No, no, no.
25:35Take anything for granted, Arthur.
25:37No, I don't take it for granted.
25:39Now, all right, now you've put me off.
25:41Now, hold on.
25:43You know now, do you?
25:44Well, let's get back to Nick.
25:46We go on to Janet.
25:47Am I a female?
25:48Uh, no, you're not.
25:50Is, uh, a male?
25:51Yes, you are.
25:52A small male.
25:53A little boy?
25:55Uh, little.
25:56Baby.
25:57Little male, I say.
25:58Am I an animal?
25:59Yes, you are.
26:00Am I a puppy or a kitten?
26:02No, you're neither.
26:03Am I an animal?
26:04You don't mean a fowl.
26:05I'm not a fowl.
26:06No, there's nothing fowl about you, Jan.
26:08I'm sorry, we go to Pat.
26:11You said this was from literature, right?
26:14That's correct.
26:15Has anything to do with Shakespeare?
26:17No, nothing to do with Shakespeare.
26:20Does it have anything to do with the Pied Piper family?
26:23No.
26:24We're animals.
26:25Yeah, well, it's more than...
26:26Oh, that doesn't have anything to do with the door.
26:28And a huff and a puff and a blow your house down
26:30would be the three pigs and the wolf.
26:31What was that?
26:33If you don't lock your door,
26:34then these people will get in
26:35and you huff and you puff the three little pigs
26:37with three little pigs and the wolf.
26:38And pigs can be...
26:39Oh, shut your mouth.
26:41That isn't it at all.
26:43No, it's not it.
26:45Well, it's a try, right?
26:48Sorry, our time is up.
26:50You were Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
26:55As you know, friends,
26:56we don't play this game to win prizes,
26:58but you'll be ahead when you listen to this.
27:04Hi, this is Dennis James again.
27:05Say, do you want a do-it-yourself breakfast kit?
27:07All right, then put Kellogg's Variety Package on the table.
27:10See, this is the new and biggest variety package
27:12in the world.
27:13It's called the Kellogg's Variety Package.
27:15It's got all the ingredients you need
27:17to make the best breakfast ever.
27:19It's got all the ingredients you need
27:21to make the best breakfast ever.
27:23This is the new and bigger assortment,
27:25America's favorite collection of cereals.
27:28It's the best to you and you and you
27:30each morning the way you like it.
27:32Look at your choices.
27:33Ten fresh individual servings.
27:35All the great grains, corn, rice, oats, sweet.
27:39A delicious variety of flaked, popped, puffed,
27:42and some already sweetened cereals.
27:45K-E-L-L-O-W, good Kellogg's, best to you.
27:50So how about picking up
27:51some Kellogg's Variety Packs real soon?
27:53Okay?
27:54Okay.
27:59Good wishes and good health.
28:01The best to you each morning, fresh
28:03from Kellogg's of Battle Creek.
28:06Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
28:09I'd like to thank the panel,
28:11Mr. Pat Carroll, Mr. Arthur Preacher,
28:14Mr. Jan Sterling, and Mr. Pat Harris.
28:18I would also like to say, ladies and gentlemen,
28:21that you've been a very fine audience,
28:23you were brave to blizzard,
28:25and you were just great.
28:26Thank you, good night, see you next week.
28:38Cast off the ties of the prosaic world.
28:41Give your imagination free reign.
28:43Ahead lies the twilight zone.
28:45Next on most of these stations.
29:10Johnny Olson speaking for You're in the Pictures,
29:13speaking for You're in the Pictures.