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~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Video Information: NIT-Trichy, 06.04.2024, Greater Noida
Context:
~ What exactly constitutes an act of cheating?
~ Why people obsessed with bodily concern?
~ Why do people cheat in relationship?
~ What is cheating in a relationship at different plane?
~ How do we respond when one of our partners cheats?
Music Credits: Milind Date
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Be a part of the Live Sessions: https://acharyaprashant.org/hi/enquir...
Want to read Acharya Prashant's Books?
Get Free Delivery: https://acharyaprashant.org/en/books?...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Video Information: NIT-Trichy, 06.04.2024, Greater Noida
Context:
~ What exactly constitutes an act of cheating?
~ Why people obsessed with bodily concern?
~ Why do people cheat in relationship?
~ What is cheating in a relationship at different plane?
~ How do we respond when one of our partners cheats?
Music Credits: Milind Date
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category
📚
LearningTranscript
00:00Namaste Acharyaji. Namaste. I am Julie Kumari from United Telgi. Actually, I have one question
00:08for my friend. She didn't want to reveal her identity. She just want to ask that what should
00:15we do if a partner is cheating on her? And with this, my question is that when should
00:22we decide that we should stop putting efforts in a relationship and let the other person
00:28go even for friendship? Means not only for relationship, even for any kind of relationship.
00:39What is the definition of cheating? Cheating by its very sound conveys something inauspicious,
00:49something harmful, unethical. What is the definition of cheating? In her case, it's
01:01like committing to her that means a commitment to her while. Commitment of what nature? What
01:12does it mean to be with someone else? Means if I am committing someone that I will be
01:20totally the commitment will means my commitment is for you. Commitment of what kind? Commitment
01:28of money? What? I will be for you. In what way? In what way I will be for you? In a romantic
01:41way of course. What does romance mean? I want to understand. When we say I am committed and
01:55when I say the fellow is cheating, what exactly does the act of cheating comprise of? When do
02:06you conclusively know that a fellow is cheating? If I am not true to that person? No, these are
02:13big words. Let's come to the fact. What is the very definition of cheating? Lies. If somebody
02:24lies to you, would you say he is cheating? Come on. Your husband or wife lies to you all the
02:32time. That's a fact. Do you say the fellow is cheating? No. Even kids lie to their parents
02:41all the time. Are they cheating? What is the definition of cheating? And why do you want
02:46to avoid the obvious definition? The fellow is with someone in a physical way. The fellow
03:05is sleeping with someone. That's what you call as cheating. Right? The fellow is sleeping
03:10with someone. Why did we avoid it for so long? Lies or romance, all that is not the thing.
03:17So a fellow is with someone else and that's breaking the commitment. The commitment that
03:29was a part of the marriage vows. So what were the marriage vows about then? What is the whole
03:35institution of marriage about then? If cheating is about having sex with someone and that breaks
03:40the commitment of marriage, then what is the marriage about? What is the marriage about?
03:48Will we take an equal length of time when again coming to the obvious? What is marriage about
03:57then? Yes, that I will be with you only. What does it mean with you only? Let's use the word
04:04sex. So marriage basically means that now onwards I will have sex only with you. Was
04:12this a clear understanding? Yes. Was this a clear understanding that marriage basically means
04:17nothing else but that I will have sex only with you? And if that is the foundation of marriage,
04:24it's a very shaky foundation because sex is not merely physical. More often than not you will not
04:34even discover when your spouse is having non-physical sex with someone. What else is pornography? Do
04:42married people don't watch porn? That too would come under the definition of cheating. Do married
04:49people not enjoy an actress's body on the silver screen? You are watching a movie with your husband
04:55or your girlfriend. Is he not enjoying all the gyrations on the screen and the way she is going
05:02about doing her attractive and less serious business? That too is cheating by that definition.
05:10Marriage that is founded on the body itself is bound to suffer from cheating and that is the
05:25punishment such a marriage deserves. Why did you marry on the foundation of the body alone? What
05:34you are saying is our marriage means you have sex with me, I have sex with you and it's exclusive.
05:39You will not go to someone else, I'll not go to someone else. You can have such an agreement but
05:45this agreement cannot last. But the breaking of this kind of agreement will give a lot of pain.
05:57That pain is the punishment. It's a punishment for not understanding where that kind of agreement
06:10came from in the first place. Why will I go to someone and say your job now in life is to have
06:19sex only with me? It's such an indecent thing to say to someone. Today onwards you will have
06:28sex only with me and in return I'll have sex only with you. It's a highly vulgar thing to say to
06:34someone. Why did you start off in this particular way? That's the question in the first place and
06:41if you will start off in this way, you will meet the pain of cheating and I said cheating is not
06:50merely when you are caught sleeping with the neighbor's wife or with the pizza delivery boy.
06:55You know what I mean. Men will understand better. Everybody is cheating all the time. Just that
07:09some forms of cheating are more tolerable. You cannot keep objecting to everything. You went
07:16with your hubby to the market and he was found peeping down the sales girl's cleavage. You cannot
07:23serve him a divorce notice merely on that because he is anyway doing that all the time. Even with
07:30the housemaid he is doing the same thing. Is that not cheating? This kind of cheating is the
07:41punishment for not understanding where our social institutions are coming from. If a man and woman
07:49have to be together, they must be together on the foundation of love and friendship. Not on the
07:56basis of this kind of a vulgar commitment. And if love is really fulfilling, if friendship is
08:07really uplifting, you find that most probably the two people will have fewer and fewer reasons to
08:18look elsewhere. If I am already fulfilled and you know who I am, I am an unfulfilled consciousness
08:29in the first place. If I am with someone who is serving to fulfill my deepest need, which is not
08:38sex. Man's deepest need is not sexual. By man I mean both man and woman, the human need. Our
08:46deepest need is the veiling of our consciousness, the unfulfilled consciousness. So bring someone
08:57into your life who serves to heal your consciousness and then you will find that
09:05you have as we said fewer reasons to look towards other people. But if you will marry
09:15someone just on the basis of the body, that fellow is 99% certain to look for other bodies
09:28as well. Because one body can never satisfy anybody. Thousand bodies, even they cannot
09:40satisfy anybody. Because satisfaction cannot come from bodies. Even thousand bodies will not
09:48suffice. What do you think? One extra marital affair brings the need to have affairs to a
09:58closure. No. It's a spree, extra marital spree, not one extra marital affair. Because your wife
10:12didn't satisfy you or your husband didn't satisfy you. Even the neighbor's wife cannot satisfy you.
10:18You go to some other country and find five other women, even they cannot satisfy you. Nobody.
10:23Because your satisfaction belongs to another dimension. Bodies cannot provide that. You're
10:31looking for someone else. But you married by looking at someone's body. At that moment,
10:41the bodies were probably quite young and luscious. So you could extract a promise
10:51from the other. You look at my body. How do you find it? And he says, top class. I will give you
10:59my body only if you do not look at other bodies. And the fellow will say, fine, fine, fine. In that
11:03moment of physical excitation, probably he will give you that promise. You have extracted it
11:12from him. But that promise will be very easily forgotten. Because how much can the body amount
11:24to? The problem is the marriage itself. An even deeper problem is the one who is marrying. Not
11:38only is his marriage flawed, everything that he does is equally flawed. He does not know even how
11:46to buy socks. He does not know how to get the right pair of jeans for himself. How will he get
11:59the right wife for himself? This fellow who is going out in the market to marry is not well
12:07within. He does not know how to make choices. From the smallest choice to the biggest one,
12:12all his choices are flawed and all his choices are physical. That's why they are flawed.
12:18Anything that he does is based on physicality. Marriage is based on physicality and later on
12:28he starts crying. My wife is sleeping with someone else. There is no solution. This kind
12:38of cheating is the obvious result of the flawed arrangement called the blind marriage. I am not
12:51surprised when someone says my partner is cheating. I am surprised when someone says,
12:55my partner is very loyal. How innocent are you? May you stay innocent. As they say,
13:06ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. And those who have not managed to lay their hands
13:18on the neighbor's wife are just afraid of her husband. The moment the opportunity presents
13:27itself, nobody is going to resist it. Take it from me. Those who have managed to behave in
13:38a moral way are the ones who have been denied of opportunities. Given an opportunity,
13:46who would not avail it? Man, woman does not matter. Everybody except the one
13:54who is no more looking for a body. Be the one who is no more hunting for a body.
14:05And then neither will you stake an exclusive claim to your partner's body,
14:15nor would you be found running after your neighbor's wife. You would be free. Your
14:26partner would be free. And both of you would be holding your freedom very sacred. You will
14:36not want to use your freedom for something as frivolous as sleeping with someone. Sounds
14:46counterintuitive, does it not? We believe that if we want to have moral action from a human being,
14:52we must put restrictions on him. Totally wrong. If you want ethical action from a human being,
14:59give him freedom. If you give him restrictions, the result will be cheating. If you give him
15:05freedom, the result will be celibacy. Celibacy is the natural and beautiful result of absolute
15:16freedom. When you have restrictions, then you want to somehow violate the restrictions. Don't
15:22you? In fact, the pleasure lies not in the neighbor's wife, but in the fact that you could
15:27scale the fence and jump into her bedroom in the dead of the night and cheat her husband.
15:35If cheating has happened, you have actually cheated on her husband, not the wife. And that's
15:43where the pleasure lies. I could fool her husband. He didn't even know. Restrictions
15:52result in cheating. Freedom results in celibacy. What does freedom mean? I am already free. So,
16:03why must I use someone for fulfillment? All fulfillment is ultimately about freedom. If I
16:13am already free, why do I need to use someone to get fulfilled? Fulfillment and freedom are the
16:20same thing. I will now no more look at someone as a thing to be consumed. I'm alright. And some
16:37part of this all rightness has probably come from this fellow I call as my husband or wife
16:44or friend or boyfriend or girlfriend. And I'm grateful. I'm grateful he or she could teach
16:53me something. But that should be the foundation of marriage. Marry someone who can teach you
17:02something. Marry someone you can look up to. Not someone you can bring down. Not someone you can
17:22just lay on the bed. Have someone who can teach you how to be awake. Not someone who intoxicates
17:40you. Are you getting this? This might sound bitter, but take it from me. If you will bring
17:54a person in your life, marriage or no marriage, boyfriend or husband, just on the basis of the
18:04body, your punishment will be cheating. Cheating from both sides. He will cheat, you will cheat.
18:11And if you do not actively or physically cheat, you will get frustrated and you will vent your
18:17frustration on your husband. Have you heard of the term the henpecked husband? What does
18:25henpecked mean? Do you have some experience with the chicken or a hen or a rooster? When
18:34they get frustrated, they will come to you and start doing this. What is this? The beak. You
18:42won't really bleed. The beak is not all that sharp. But it still hurts. We had one. Jitu.
18:50And he was so adept at doing this. He would just chase people and henpecked husband. Why? Because
19:01typically the wives display more moral behaviors. Because they have been subjugated more throughout
19:07history. So the entire burden of morality is upon the woman. And the punishment is more severe for
19:15her if she deviates from the path of morality. So they are compelled to be more moral. So they
19:24don't physically cheat. Because they don't physically cheat, they get more frustrated. And
19:28then the pecking. I know it's a contentious statement and you can fight it all day. You may.
19:43But please understand. The body wants to have as many partners as possible. That's the command
19:52of the Badi Maa, Mother Nature. Marriage is social. Promiscuity is natural, physical.
20:03And what is social is a very small thing in front of what is prakritic, natural. Society
20:16may turn you, you know, be monogamous. But the mother herself is telling you, go and
20:26fuck around with as many people as possible. Whose commands will you obey? Now the only
20:39thing that can sublimate this tendency to keep looking for more and more bodies is inner
20:54fulfillment, self-realization, not marriage. Your association with the other person should
21:07be on the foundation of your inner fulfillment, not your body. Be with someone who will bring
21:23upliftment to your consciousness and be with someone who is vouched for by your uplifted
21:33consciousness. Are you getting it? If even your peak attentiveness endorses a person,
21:49then let that person enter your life. Usually, it is our intoxicated selves
22:01that recommend a person. Does that not happen? Your highest self, your clearest self should
22:16vouch for a person and then that person should enter your life. And that person should enter
22:23your life on the promise that he is entering your life to uplift you. But that does not
22:32happen in marriages. As you sow, so shall you reap. If you married in a flawed way,
22:44you will have to suffer the curse of cheating and all those things. Remember,
22:57if you get your partner in the most ideal way possible, it is still possible that the person
23:05actually physically goes towards someone. But now, it would hardly matter. Because anyway,
23:14your association with this person is not exclusively physical. First of all,
23:18the probability that this person will now roam around has reduced. But even if it does happen,
23:26to be physically attracted to someone, it will not be so painful now. Because physicality is
23:35now only a small part of the relationship. 5%. So even if that 5% is compromised,
23:42you will not be shattered. 95% of the relationship is about something else. And
23:47nobody can spoil that 95%. So you are secure. Otherwise, you see how insecure we are about
23:55our partners. Entire companies exist just to teach girlfriends how to break open the mobile
24:07phones of their boys. He will not even come to know and you can crack his password. Everybody
24:17is so deeply. Yes, of course. Just Google for it. Because that mobile phone is the final thing
24:28in sleeping around. Everything is there. All the pics are there and the chats are there and
24:36recordings are there. So if you can somehow have a sneak peek into what's in there and if you do
24:47not share the password and whatever with your husband or boyfriend or girlfriend, then see how
24:58deeply insecure that person will feel. Surely there is something cooking. Why is he not showing
25:06me what's in there? This insecurity is so troubling, is it not? And this entire insecurity is about
25:20physical association. Will he sleep with someone else? Will he sleep with someone else? Is there a
25:29romance budding somewhere? Even romance is not a problem, you see. If the romance remains a romance,
25:35nobody will object that much. The problem is romances very quickly turn into sexual activity.
25:44And if sex is everything, then you'll be deeply afraid of sexual activity happening somewhere.
25:52That's the problem. For most people, sex is everything. In most relationships, sex is
26:01everything. And what is sex? Our physical animal nature coming from the primordial mother herself,
26:12Prakriti. We are beasts. And for a beast, sex is a lot. If our marriages are based on sex alone,
26:27then they are very beastly affairs, are they not? And we claim to be civilized people. If you tell
26:35someone, you know, marriage is based on sex alone, they'll say, no, no, it's about companionship in
26:38the old age. Come on, get real. Come on, come on. No, no, no. I'm just friends with my wife. It's
26:49not about sex at all. Even the law says that if you do not have sex for six months, you are entitled
26:55for divorce. Even the law says that the term consummation of marriage means sex. If you don't
27:05have sex with your wife, the marriage is not even supposed to be consummated. Even the law knows that
27:11sex is everything in a marriage. If your marriages are all about sex, then your marriages are just an
27:17expression of your beastly origins. And beasts we are by origin. Yes, we are. But why stay a beast?
27:28Why not sublimate? If you must have a person in your life, why can't that person be an agent for
27:38upliftment? A lot of people get very upset. The moment you say, what do you think? Why are you
27:50always talking of sex? My wife is my sister. Then why do you have a wife? Why must your partner be
28:02of the opposite sex? If your marriage is not about sex, then sir, why did you look for a woman? The
28:09very fundamental criteria is that you are looking for someone of the other sex. Then how is your
28:14marriage not about sex? Go and marry a man. But if someone marries a man, then you make fun of him.
28:21Is it not obvious? If someone can come to you, looking at your body, that fellow will go to
28:30someone else as well, looking at another body. Is it not? Come on. You go to buy a dress at a
28:42retail store. There is one particular dress you have finalized on. Suddenly, some other dress catches
28:51your attention. What do you do? What do you do? You keep this one down and go and pick that one
28:57up. That's marriage. This one looked good for so long. Fine. Now that one looks good. But if that
29:10other one happens to exceed your budget, you will return to this one. Now that's called loyalty.
29:27If you are physical, if you are bodily, if you are beastly, no loyalty is possible. Don't even
29:35expect loyalty from someone who is not awakened within. Loyalty is not something so cheap that
29:44you can be loyal to your husband or wife on the basis of marriage vows. Loyalty is fundamentally
29:53spiritual. A fellow who dislikes the Gita, the Upanishads, Vedanta, how can this fellow be loyal
30:02to anybody? Yet, in your ignorant and intoxicated state, you thought your boyfriend will treat you
30:14like a princess or a goddess and will worship you with great devotion and loyalty all his life. Why
30:22will he do that? Come on, get real. Why will he do that? That fellow is not loyal even to the
30:30highest truth. That fellow is loyal only to his own body. Why will he be loyal to another body?
30:40He will look around for 40 bodies and then you will be heartbroken.
31:00I'm sorry if what I'm saying is disturbing. But if truth disturbs you, that should tell
31:09you something about yourself. No? My name is Shikshit and I've been listening to Acharyaji
31:25for last two years. And right now, I've been teaching physics in the college. So,
31:34the main thing that happened with me is, or I can say, the prominent thing which I have observed
31:43is my tendency to blame the outside influences like parents, government, society, fate, destiny
31:54has considerably reduced. And the entire focus has shifted towards. So, that I think is the
32:02most important thing that happened with me. Because before that, I have always been blaming
32:08others for my own failures and all like these things. So, the main teachings from today's
32:20sessions are, the first one is, nothing is worse than the mediocre and common life that we usually
32:27lead. The second one is, without self-knowledge, whatever the man possesses, like talent or
32:39intellect, he just looks for its own security and prosperity. So, what did I learn from this is,
32:50whatever good qualities that we possess, like high IQ or some special skills,
32:56if we do not put it in the service of truth, it is of no use.