Taskmaster.S18E03.The.Gangsters.of.the.Sea
Taskmaster.S18E04 >>> https://dai.ly/x96ppye
Taskmaster.S18E04 >>> https://dai.ly/x96ppye
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Sigh...
00:03MUSIC
00:06CHOMP!
00:07Ah!
00:08Woo!
00:09MUSIC
00:11WHISTLE
00:12SCREAM
00:13MUSIC
00:15CHOMP!
00:16MUSIC
00:17WHISTLE
00:18MUSIC
00:19SCREAM
00:20MUSIC
00:21WHISTLE
00:22APPLAUSE
00:24APPLAUSE
00:34Hello! Thank you, thank you, everybody.
00:37Welcome to Taskmaster, the Olympics for funny people.
00:41And like elite athletes, our comedians have been in training
00:44for this their whole careers.
00:46And similarly, one slip-up could see them never compete again,
00:50and end up singing Sweet Caroline in High Street,
00:53having drunk a pint of plant feed they stole from a garden centre.
00:58The stakes are high and the rewards are low.
01:02Let's meet them now.
01:04Please welcome Andy Zaltzman!
01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:09Babatunde Elese!
01:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:12Emma Siddy!
01:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:15Jack Dee!
01:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:19And sitting next to me, a man who secretly confided in me
01:23that he doesn't think community liaison officers are real police,
01:27and challenges any of them who meet him to kick him hard in the gooch.
01:32LAUGHTER
01:35It's a little Alex Hart!
01:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:42OK, let's begin.
01:43Yes, and what a way to begin.
01:46Yes, and what a way to begin,
01:48because the prize category this week is the object with the most soul.
01:53OK?
01:55I know. Ooh, indeed.
01:57As a guy in a band, I get a lot of people stopping me and saying,
02:00you are soul.
02:03But it's not about me.
02:04It's about Greg giving maximum points to the object with the most soul.
02:08All right. Rosie, shall we start with you?
02:11No.
02:13It was rhetorical. We are starting with you.
02:28Yes, it is.
02:43Yes.
02:49Soul.
02:50That is going to score badly.
02:57What's your favourite saxophone song?
03:02If you can give me one, then I might consider not putting you at the bottom.
03:12LAUGHTER
03:15APPLAUSE
03:20Emma, have you brought something in that has the most soul?
03:23I've brought in a Furby.
03:25Oh.
03:26Someone's back in the game.
03:30Here's Emma's soulful Furby.
03:34I don't know if anybody remembers what Furbys would get up to,
03:37but basically, they're kind of...
03:40And they start off like that.
03:42Then, as time goes on, they start to learn from you
03:45and eventually they're able to say, I love you.
03:50Also, it opens with a little beat, with a little tongue.
03:53You go, la-la-la.
03:55And you put your finger in and it's like, love that.
03:58Oh, la-la-la, soul.
04:00If I put my finger in your mouth, you wouldn't mind it, and that's soul.
04:05I like a Furby as much as the next person.
04:07OK.
04:08But you think that a plastic fur-based toy
04:11going dib-dab-dub-dub is soul.
04:14And I'm not going to be able to convince you of this.
04:17I just know it to be my truth.
04:23She's good. She is good.
04:25Jack. Yeah.
04:27What have you brought in?
04:28I brought James Brown in.
04:30Technically, not actually James Brown,
04:33but I have brought in an effigy of James Brown,
04:36which is all singing, all dancing.
04:38The budget on this show won't allow us to hear him singing.
04:42So if I did it without the tune...
04:44Oh, I feel good.
04:48So...
04:49We're not allowed to say lyrics either.
04:52All right.
04:53Oh, I feel wood.
04:55There you go.
04:57Are you ready to see the Godfather of Soul?
04:59I am.
05:00Here he is.
05:01Here we go.
05:02He goes, oh, I feel wood.
05:05Oh, I feel wood.
05:13Jesus Christ.
05:15This is going to be a low-scoring round.
05:17Andy. Yes.
05:19What soulful thing have you brought in?
05:21I brought a shoe.
05:22Ready to see it?
05:24Obviously, a shoe has a soul,
05:26but the souls of the shoes are Dover souls.
05:32There's a speaker in the lower of the two shoes.
05:35It's programmed to play only soul music,
05:38the likes of James Brown, Aretha Franklin, Bananarama.
05:41We'll imagine it.
05:43There's a picture of the sun in Spain, or...
05:46soul, as it's...
05:48as it's called.
05:50The sun in Spain, or...
05:52soul, as it's...
05:54I'm sorry. I'm not finished yet, Greg.
05:58Also, harnessing the power of the occult as a wizard,
06:02I also fixed into the shoes
06:05the soul of your late great-great-great uncle, Brian.
06:11Do you know what, Andy? Yeah.
06:12I mean, it says something. It's the best yet.
06:15Who's next? Baba.
06:17I brought in a Nigerian talking drum.
06:19You see, how they make this is quite mythical, right?
06:22What they do, once they build it,
06:24they put it in the streets of Lagos,
06:26or whatever town in Nigeria,
06:28and what it does, they believe it absorbs the language
06:31of the people as they're in the streets talking.
06:34So when you hit it, it sounds like the language being spoken.
06:38So I tried this out, tried it out.
06:40I live in Stevenage, and I...
06:44That's the capital of Seoul.
06:47I put it outside, I hit it, and it literally said,
06:50you prick. And so...
06:53That's the most soulful thing in this whole line-up right now.
06:58The Nigerian talking drum people. Thank you very much.
07:01APPLAUSE
07:05I hope the rest of you are ashamed of yourself.
07:08Right, let's score it and move on.
07:10What is the least soulful thing? What do you think?
07:13I think the saxophone. Yeah, of course.
07:16One point. Got it.
07:17OK, I'll give Emma two points
07:20for daring to suggest there's any soul in a Furby.
07:23Jack, at least he chose the godfather of soul.
07:26But then he had him behead himself on television.
07:29So he can only have three points. Got it.
07:32Andy made an effort.
07:34Sure, it's a series of awful puns around the world.
07:37Soul, we know that.
07:38Sure, he's dressed as a wizard, but no reason.
07:41And he gets four points.
07:44And the only person who actually brought anything
07:46of any consequence in is Baba, so he gets five.
07:49These are my judgements.
07:55OK, task time. Shall we begin, Alex?
07:57Yes, Greg. Commence Countdown.
08:14Oh...
08:16Hey. Baba.
08:18Emma. You all right?
08:20Just bringing back some memories.
08:22Good ones?
08:26Terrifying.
08:28Is that being operated manually or is it a machine?
08:32It shouldn't be happening, actually. It's a warning system.
08:35Oh, right, OK, it's a warning system. Yeah.
08:37Yeah. OK, yes. Not yet. OK, no, sorry.
08:40Five...
08:42Four...
08:43Three...
08:44Two...
08:45One...
08:47Zero.
09:01Oh, cheers, bro. It was meant to fire off.
09:04Oh, unlucky, bro.
09:07Put a rocket in your pocket.
09:09Fastest wins.
09:11Your time starts now.
09:13That's not a rocket, I'm so sorry.
09:15That's just a tube.
09:17Your time starts now.
09:19That's not a rocket, unfortunately.
09:21That's just a tube.
09:23I'm so sorry.
09:25But what are the asterisks?
09:29There's an asterisk, is there?
09:31There are two.
09:33There are two.
09:35What do them two stars mean?
09:37Yeah, they're both asterisks. OK.
09:42Double star. Dot.
09:45I'll just ignore that, the font.
09:47Is this the rocket, this red bit?
09:49No, none of those bits are rockets.
09:51So where's the rocket?
09:53Yes.
09:54What do you mean, yes?
09:56Where is the rocket?
10:00Yes.
10:02Where?
10:11Baba, I might be suggesting here that you don't know what a rocket is.
10:15I know what a rocket is.
10:17I see, like, the space people, they do that.
10:20That's a rocket, right? Yeah, yeah.
10:22Sorry, I didn't realise you had a degree.
10:26Listen, Greg, we still...
10:28We've got to go outside after this, bro, like, you know what I mean?
10:31You're physically threatening me.
10:36I've got to say, it's the first person
10:38who's ever offered me out for a fight in all these series,
10:41and I've got to tell you, Baba, it was exhilarating.
10:45Whoo!
10:48OK, let's crack on.
10:50First to recce for rockets, it is Baba.
10:53Is there a rocket here?
10:55That's the question.
10:57Ooh! Listen, I've got two children, yeah?
11:00I've got time for this. Where's the rocket?
11:02Where is the rocket?
11:04We're not going to do this.
11:06We're not going to do this. Right.
11:18Let's go and look for a rocket.
11:21That's not a rocket, that's like a telescope, thinking of you.
11:24Anything under here?
11:26Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
11:29Ah, that's half a rocket.
11:31We're onto something.
11:34What's that? What's that?
11:36What's that?
11:38That's a full rocket.
11:42I've got a rocket in my pocket.
11:44Yes, you have.
11:46There was the rocket.
11:48It was in the...
11:50This is an orca, this is an orca's mouth.
11:52It was in the orca's mouth.
11:54Let's say killer world, cos that sounds gangster.
11:57It was in the killer world's mouth.
12:06The man knows exactly what a rocket is.
12:08He found it quickly,
12:10and he labelled the orcas,
12:12the gangsters of the sea.
12:14Absolute textbook.
12:16I told you I know what a rocket is, bro.
12:18Yeah, I know. You didn't believe in me, but you've seen the footage, bro.
12:21I've learnt that now, and now I believe
12:23there's no need for it to come to blow.
12:25Good. Who is next?
12:27Next up to hunt for rockets are my two favourite condiments,
12:30salt and pep... Salt and Emma.
12:32Salt and pepper. Salt and Emma.
12:36It looks like a rocket. That's not a rocket.
12:38No. Well, it's not a rocket until it's fired.
12:40It's a potential rocket. Even then, that is not a rocket.
12:43I don't see why. Why can that not be a rocket?
12:45Hasn't got fins.
12:47I'm just thinking...
12:49Have you got any fizzy drinks?
12:51Can I make fins out of that?
12:53Right, that's better.
12:55Right, so did you just make yourself a rocket?
12:57I made myself a rocket, but it didn't go in my pocket.
12:59Right, OK.
13:03Oh, shit.
13:07Right. Are you saying you've made a rocket?
13:09Yeah.
13:11In that case, I'm going to have to give you that.
13:13If you draw, make or write your own rocket,
13:16that doesn't count as an actual rocket unless you are a rocket scientist.
13:19If you are not a rocket scientist,
13:21you must now put two rockets in your pockets.
13:25Are you a rocket scientist? No, I'm not. Right.
13:27I did languages.
13:30Two rockets. Yes, please.
13:31Am I allowed out of the room? Absolutely.
13:33Oh, right, OK.
13:34Maybe I should have thought of that before.
13:37Two rockets in your pockets.
13:39One like that? No, that's not a rocket.
13:41That's a can of Coke with a sweet in.
13:43Fuck's sake. Oh, I'm so sorry.
13:45I'm going to have to give you this.
13:47If you swear at any point after drawing, making or writing
13:50your own rocket, you must now put three rockets in your pockets.
14:00I mean, is that a rocket?
14:02I don't think you'll fit that in your pocket, though.
14:09Was it on the rocket?
14:10Are you saying that's a rocket? No, no.
14:12Oh, look, there is a rocket there.
14:14Well, there you go. You found a rocket?
14:16I found one... I need another rocket.
14:21No, no, no, no.
14:23We're going back inside.
14:25Is there anything in the sharks? Not a shark.
14:27There's a rocket in there.
14:30Walker?
14:33I've stopped the clock. Right, that took a long time.
14:36Have you looked in anything yet?
14:38Like, you mean in that?
14:40No.
14:41Well, if you want.
14:44What's that?
14:48Oh, like, in this pot.
14:52Oh!
14:53It's a tiny little rocket.
14:55You better put it in your pocket, then.
14:57OK, now I'm on board with it. All right, fine.
15:00Any other little rockets about?
15:02Oh, my God, there's one in Charlotte Ritchie!
15:06Oh, yeah, there you go.
15:08Time's up. I've stopped the clock.
15:10Oh, you did the noise for me. Sorry.
15:13Ah!
15:21Classic case of him moving the goalposts as the task goes on.
15:24Incredibly irritating, I find it.
15:26Me? Yeah. Oh, sorry.
15:28While I'm at it, I also found it really irritating
15:30when you opened the plug and there was a rocket inside
15:32and you looked at the camera as if to say...
15:37Andy, you were told repeatedly
15:39that the yellow tube in the lab was not a rocket.
15:41Yeah. Repeatedly.
15:43You know, if you fire something upwards, you've rocketed it.
15:47Have you not?
15:48I think you've rocketed it, but it doesn't become a rocket, does it?
15:51Your argument is if it gets fired, it's a rocket?
15:53Yeah.
15:54Well, you could do that to a chartered accountant.
15:56Yes.
15:59Emma. Yeah.
16:01Now, I'm no rocket scientist,
16:03but putting a sweet inside a can of Coke...
16:07How, in any rational mind, can that be justified as a rocket?
16:12Well, yeah, it's shocking, isn't it?
16:14I mean, it was a totally stupid decision
16:16and also it didn't even fizz.
16:18It was just crap, wasn't it?
16:20Well, look, Baba took 552.
16:22Andy, 18 minutes 10.
16:24Emma, 39 minutes.
16:27Wow. Get in!
16:30All right, part one is over.
16:32They never really loved you anyway.
16:34They didn't even make an effort with your mum.
16:36It's finished. Let it go.
16:37Make a life with part two.
16:39It's a great cook and it's a tomcat in the bedroom.
16:41We'll see you in a bit.
16:51Hello!
16:53Welcome to the start of part two.
16:55Please remind us what was happening before the break,
16:57my sad little otter.
16:59Well, they're all trying to find a rocket
17:01and put it in their pocket as fast as is bloody possible.
17:04Finally, it's Jack and Rosie.
17:11You may.
17:14I mean, it would be...
17:15It's going to be staring at me, isn't it? That's the thing.
17:18Mm-hm. I know what you mean.
17:20It's so annoying.
17:21Yeah, it is. OK.
17:23OK.
17:25Is it rocket salad?
17:37That's what I was looking for.
17:39It stinks.
17:41Done.
17:45I've stopped the clock. You've got rocket in your pocket.
17:48I enjoyed that.
17:51Well done, me.
17:55Wow!
17:57Well done. Very nice.
18:00Two grown adults,
18:02genuinely thrilled that they put salad in their pockets.
18:06Oh, come on, you should try it sometime, it's good.
18:08Maybe you and I could hang out sometime.
18:10Yeah, I'd like that.
18:15Rosie, that well-done me was genuine, wasn't it?
18:18Yeah.
18:20I meant to say, that's the best thing I've ever done.
18:27The wizard has a point.
18:29Just, um, what was the wording of the task?
18:33It was put a rocket and then a silent salad in your pocket.
18:36Right.
18:37It doesn't say put a piece of rocket or a bunch of rocket, does it?
18:40A rocket.
18:41Do you want me to take Rosie's point off her?
18:44Yeah.
18:46Look at Rosie, look at Rosie when you say it.
18:49Yeah, I do.
18:52Does the word a mean nothing these days?
18:55You are a prick today.
18:59That's perfectly fine.
19:01I'm not, I'm not some pricks, I'm a prick.
19:06APPLAUSE
19:13Baba, do you think I should disqualify the salad?
19:16What's the timing of this?
19:19You haven't yet said that.
19:21All right, let's get to that first.
19:23Well, I can tell you, Rosie put rocket in her pocket in 2 minutes 40.
19:28Yeah, let's take away the point.
19:31LAUGHTER
19:33Jack pocketed rocket in 1 minute 59.
19:35Wow.
19:37APPLAUSE
19:39No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
19:42Yeah, everything he said, I'm going to back it.
19:47I've got news for you. I am going to allow rocket.
19:49And I want you to know this.
19:52I may not have allowed rocket if it wasn't for this wizard.
19:55LAUGHTER
19:58Rocket stands.
20:00In that case, it's one point to Emma, two to Andy,
20:02three to Baba, four to Rosie, but five to Mr Jack Dean.
20:05APPLAUSE
20:09Is it scoreboard time?
20:11It is. Baba, with your speedy rocket,
20:13you are in joint first place with Jack Dean on eight points.
20:17APPLAUSE
20:22Please, we have another task.
20:24Oh, yes. Now, for some physical art.
20:39Yo, what's going on?
20:41Hello, Baba. Manlike.
20:43You're on dry land. Dry land, yeah.
20:46Yeah, you've been at sea.
20:48That's a caravan, bro. It's a submarine.
20:52Oh.
20:56Do I? You do.
21:12Most creative recreation...recreation wins.
21:17Do I look like I go to art exhibitions?
21:20I'll go to an art exhibition, my guy.
21:22You have 20 minutes.
21:24Your time starts...now.
21:27Right. Famous 2D piece of art in 3D.
21:32You understand it? Of course I understand it, what's the matter with you?
21:35Of course I do, what do you think, I'm sick?
21:37You kept saying recreation. I said recreation instead of re-creation,
21:40but, you know, they are the same spelling, aren't they?
21:43APPLAUSE
21:46Well, I'm just excited to see these. 3D art.
21:49OK, would you like to see a montage of them arting hard?
21:52I want to see a hard art montage.
21:55OK. Here you are.
21:57Oh, my God.
22:01Noisy. It's really noisy.
22:04I hate bloody flowers.
22:06I don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers.
22:11Needs to go far corner, far back as it goes, I think.
22:15LAUGHTER
22:19Right.
22:23Are you all right? Yeah, I'm all right.
22:26Shall I sit here?
22:30Oh, I see. Yeah.
22:32OK.
22:41Soup?
22:44Is that lumpy soup?
22:52Does this look like a human mother?
22:56I need to get my thug pose on, I'm going to look like a thug.
22:59No gang affiliation over here, bruv.
23:02Apart from the church, I go church, I gang bang for Jesus, you get me?
23:06OK.
23:08I wonder if he's celebrating a goal, but really upset.
23:11Oh, upset? Yeah.
23:15Did you do that? Yeah.
23:17Wow. Yeah, did that.
23:19I'm slipping in.
23:21Oh!
23:23That feels gross!
23:28Oh, my God.
23:33Who of us in this room isn't blown away
23:36by how much Jack D looks like Van Gogh?
23:40It's literally like the man came back to life.
23:45Baba, did you have some sort of traumatic instance in your life with flowers?
23:48You're the only person I've ever met who hates flowers.
23:51I quote, I don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers.
23:56You know what it is? I'm traumatised by how much my wife requests flowers.
24:00Cos when I'm walking on the street, people be like,
24:02oh, he's in the doghouse. It's like, I ain't in no damn doghouse.
24:05You know what I'm saying?
24:07How often do you buy your wife flowers?
24:09Oh! Uh-oh.
24:13Not including the ones you take off lampposts.
24:21Emma. I'm already quite impressed,
24:23cos I already know what your painting is. Really?
24:25It's Klimt, right? Yeah.
24:27Mm-hm. Well, look, I'm going to show you
24:29Emma's 3D version of the well-known painting.
24:31Let's see it in all its glory. Here we go.
24:37ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS
24:43APPLAUSE
24:46Well done. That is quite a good one.
24:48APPLAUSE
24:51I mean, it's so rarely on this show
24:53that I just have to say, oh, that's good.
24:56Yeah. It was good.
24:58The original sparked a sexual revolution. Do you think hers will?
25:01Er...
25:03I can't feel anything.
25:06It's really good, Emma.
25:08OK, well, shall we see another? Yes.
25:10Well, as you might have worked out, Andy's Altman took on
25:12The Almighty Guernica by Pablo Picasso.
25:14Wow.
25:16First of all, we're going to look at the original.
25:18Now, Picasso obviously made the incredibly moving
25:21and powerful anti-war painting to help raise awareness
25:23and raise money during the Spanish Civil War.
25:25It's harrowing. And here's Andy's Altman's 3D recreation.
25:29ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS
25:36APPLAUSE
25:44I mean, we have to reward ambition.
25:47It's incredibly ambitious.
25:50I mean, I just feel, amongst the many things this show doesn't address,
25:54the pity of war is right up there.
25:58Cow was the wrong way round.
26:00LAUGHTER
26:04Sorry, Emma, have you...
26:06You've spotted an inaccuracy in this painting.
26:10Well done, wizard.
26:12OK, well, next up with his 3D nod to self-portrait with bandaged ear.
26:15Right, well, we already know this looks exactly like it.
26:18Cos we've got his face in the room.
26:20Yeah, it's Vincent Djangoff. Here we go.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:27Yes.
26:31APPLAUSE
26:38Who would have thought that anyone could look more haunted
26:43than Vincent Djangoff?
26:47Djangoff looks like it's his birthday, by comparison.
26:52Another one. Really good.
26:54This is the worst episode of Taskmaster ever.
26:57OK, time for another break
26:59and probably some more adverts for Holidays In The Sun.
27:02Costa Living Crisis?
27:04Yeah, more like Costa Del Sol Living La Vida Loca Crisis.
27:08Let's whack it over to the credit cards.
27:10Wayne Lineker, call me.
27:12YOLO!
27:14APPLAUSE
27:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:25Hello again. Here we are, it's part three
27:28and some classic artworks have been brought to life
27:31in a three-dimensional way.
27:33Cor, yeah, I love 3D.
27:35But I also like Harry Styles' solo stuff.
27:38Next up is the artist currently known as Rosie Jones.
27:43Blubber!
27:45Andy Warhol.
27:48Clam.
27:50Campbell Soups.
27:56APPLAUSE
28:04It's Clam, Campbell Soup.
28:06Yeah, I get it.
28:09It's really good. Yeah, it's good.
28:11Everyone liked it.
28:13Did you like it? Not that much.
28:17One left, Greg. Yes.
28:19One left and this man doesn't go to art galleries, he hates flowers.
28:22It's Bubba's turn.
28:30Ah!
28:32It is good.
28:34APPLAUSE
28:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:44Oh, sorry, sorry about that.
28:46Did you like that, Greg?
28:51Well, yes, of course I do.
28:53Yes, you do. You see the angle?
28:55You know what I'm saying? This is what I'm trying to say.
28:57I keep telling people I'm amazing.
29:02Well, look, Greg, here are all five of the excellent 3D pics.
29:06I give everyone really high scores, aren't I?
29:08And then we'll just have to hope they fuck up the next task.
29:11So I'll give everyone five points.
29:19OK, what's next, please, Mr Alex Hall?
29:22OK, well, Greg, we're off to the pub. Ooh!
29:37In you go.
29:39Oh, hello!
29:42Lovely!
29:44Oh, we have company. Where's Alex?
29:47Who cares?
29:49Oh, lovely.
29:52Yes, please. Oh, thank you so much.
29:54Would you like to...? Yeah, sure.
29:59Win the pub quiz by cheating.
30:01The team that wins by cheating in at least five different ways
30:05wins.
30:06If the quiz master notices you cheating, you will lose a point
30:10and you must use a different method of cheating.
30:13This quiz will start in five minutes.
30:15Your time starts now.
30:17OK, so we need ways of cheating.
30:19Mobile phone.
30:24Here he is.
30:26Hi, guys, are you doing a pub quiz tonight?
30:28Great.
30:30I'll come and get your team names soon.
30:33Have I got time to go to the toilet?
30:37Yeah, quiz starts in three minutes.
30:39Good thinking.
30:40There's your answer sheet. You all right?
30:42OK.
30:43OK, there's your answer sheet for the first two rounds.
30:46OK, enjoy. Anyone need anything?
30:48Good luck, enjoy.
30:49Yes.
30:51What did you get?
30:53I got my phone.
30:55What's that?
30:59How do you intend to use that without being noticed?
31:02That's the next challenge.
31:08Yeah, it might do.
31:10Oh, what's that? One of you look up...
31:12That's Sue Perkins' number.
31:14Do you have your phone?
31:16Save that now.
31:19Quiz starts in 45 seconds, guys.
31:21Cheers, mate.
31:22OK.
31:24We're Team Honesty.
31:27Team Honesty, that's funny.
31:29And have you got a team name?
31:31Cheetahs, but, like, they're animals.
31:33Cheetahs?
31:34Just Cheetahs with a Z.
31:36T-H-E-E-T-A-H-Z.
31:40Cheetahs.
31:41OK, right, let's go and get my microphone,
31:43then we'll be off.
31:45I've got something a little bit provocative to say.
31:48Are you both married?
31:50Mm-hm.
31:51I'm also married.
31:52Mm-hm.
31:53I was thinking, like, maybe just kiss and cheat without cheating.
31:55Right.
31:56Handshake?
31:57I don't know if it's that kind of cheating.
32:05Try and remember what's in there.
32:07OK.
32:08I remember.
32:10Um, what's in your right hand?
32:12Nothing.
32:14You need to form the floor there.
32:16I will put the books in my area.
32:18Can I have the guide to the beavers, please?
32:21You're so strict.
32:23Yes.
32:24Sorry about that, Bob.
32:26Excuse me, thank you.
32:27Hello, hello.
32:28We're pretty much back to square one.
32:30Hello, is everyone here?
32:37Are you pub Christmas before we start?
32:39No, I think it's a waste of pub time.
32:43Every Monday.
32:44Thank you, Emma.
32:45Do you really, Emma?
32:46Yeah, genuinely.
32:47Oh.
32:48What's your team called?
32:50Um, No Arguments.
32:53Cos we have a problem with arguing,
32:56so one day we realised, oh, if we called No Arguments,
32:58maybe we'll stop.
33:00Oh.
33:01So now we just argue on the way home.
33:03It's me and my husband.
33:07All right, then.
33:08You want to see the quiz?
33:09I want to see the quiz.
33:10OK, pens down, heads up or something.
33:12It's time to quiz.
33:14Welcome to the ship.
33:15Welcome to the pub quiz.
33:17OK, question one.
33:18What is the largest species of rodent?
33:21What is the largest species of rodent?
33:23Not that.
33:24It's not a mouse.
33:26In what year was Mary, Queen of Scots,
33:29executed by her cousin?
33:31Elizabeth I, of course.
33:33In what year...
33:34I'm just going to faint choking.
33:37I've got cramps.
33:39Oh!
33:40Oh, just move around the room a bit.
33:41Oh, my God!
33:43HE GRUNTS
33:45Oh, man.
33:47It's quite early in the quiz to get cramping.
33:49Right.
33:50He just needs to be...
33:52Yeah, yeah.
33:54Wait.
33:55Oh!
33:58There's a hat there, though.
33:59MEOW
34:01MEOW
34:03MEOW
34:05I'm feeling better now.
34:07Right.
34:08We do need to carry on with the quiz.
34:10Question three.
34:11What is the boiling point of mercury?
34:14Yeah, do you think it's that?
34:16Yes.
34:17Mercury.
34:18How are you getting on?
34:19What do the following states have in common?
34:22Oh!
34:23Oh!
34:25Come down, come down and help!
34:27Come down and help me!
34:29That's not really how it works.
34:30You don't come down and help.
34:31What's wrong?
34:32Basically, I feel so sick.
34:35OK.
34:36I feel really nauseous.
34:37Right, do you want a blanket?
34:38Yeah.
34:39I was going to get her a blanket, apparently.
34:41OK, yeah, please.
34:43OK.
34:44Phones away, please.
34:45BUZZER
34:50I see what you're doing there.
34:52Round two.
34:53Sport!
34:54If I potted a red, then a black,
34:57then a red, then a black,
34:59then a red, then a pink,
35:01then a red, then a yellow,
35:03then a red, then a black,
35:04then a red, then a brown,
35:05then a red, then a green,
35:06and all the colours,
35:07what would my break be worth?
35:08I'll be honest with you,
35:09I think this is when we do a good job.
35:11I think this is when we do a quick romantic cheat.
35:14Right.
35:16So can I just give you a quick...
35:18There we go.
35:19Let's never speak of it again.
35:26What is Sue Perkins' favourite sport?
35:28Oh!
35:29What is Sue...
35:30I need a sick bucket, now!
35:32A big bucket?
35:33Yeah.
35:35I'll call Sue Perkins.
35:37Hi, it's Sue here.
35:38Sorry I can't take your call.
35:39Oh, come on, Sue!
35:41What? Hockey.
35:42Hockey, hockey, hockey.
35:52Hello, everyone.
35:53OK.
35:54The answers.
35:55Have you all swapped sheets?
35:56No, sorry, we've just got them all mixed up.
35:58Quick as you can, please.
36:02As long as you don't have your own.
36:04As long as we don't have our own sheets.
36:06Good try, though.
36:07The biggest rodent was, of course,
36:09capybara.
36:101587.
36:12356 points.
36:13That would be a break of 70 points.
36:15Sue Perkins' favourite sport was, and still is,
36:19football.
36:20It's hockey.
36:21No, it's not, it's football.
36:22Sorry, I have to be very passionate about this.
36:25Yeah.
36:26Sue Perkins is my best friend.
36:29It's hockey.
36:30Well, I've got her number, so I'll give her a call in the break.
36:32Give her a call.
36:33I'm sorry, I don't want to be weird, but...
36:34Can we call her now?
36:35Give her a call now.
36:36Call her now.
36:37Let's call her now.
36:38Let's hear it.
36:39Hi, it's Sue here.
36:40Sorry I can't take your call, but I'm at the Underwater Hockey.
36:45Which is a shame, cos I actually really love football.
36:52The Underwater Football.
36:53If you just pop up the scores.
36:57The Sporty Fuji Flag guys.
36:59Yep.
37:00Zero in round one.
37:01Right.
37:02And then...
37:03Three.
37:04Three in round two.
37:06Three, really?
37:08I didn't quite get there.
37:11And round two...
37:13Well, we got three.
37:14We thought we had got more.
37:16Well, rugby ball's right, isn't it?
37:17Yeah, that is...
37:18Well, misspelling apparently.
37:19It's misspelling.
37:20Well, they've misspelt the word misspelling.
37:22BUZZER
37:23Well done, guys.
37:24All right, round three will start in one minute.
37:33I mean, some of the most ludicrous overacting.
37:37Yeah, good point.
37:38And then, Emma, I presume a trained actress
37:41when you had your multiple physical collapses.
37:46Oh, it doesn't show!
37:49Do you know what I mean?
37:50Mama was the only one, wasn't he, who wasn't overacting?
37:53Yes.
37:54But there's more to come, right?
37:55They're only halfway through.
37:56They're both pretty much neck and neck.
37:58I've caught them a few times, but there is a second half to come.
38:00That's the end of part three.
38:01Come back for part four and see someone take home some soulful prizes.
38:05It'll be like watching your kid in a school play,
38:07except shorter and fun,
38:09and you won't have to stave off boredom
38:11by imagining having an affair with a teacher.
38:14Just me!
38:26Hello!
38:27Welcome back to the final part of the show,
38:30where a pub quiz is taking place in the ship.
38:32On with the second half of the quiz,
38:34where the two teams have to win by cheating at least five times
38:37without being caught by old Eagle Eyes Horne,
38:39the handsome quiz master.
38:41Here's how they get on.
38:44Round three, picture round.
38:45Question one, what is Alex Horne holding?
38:48Phones away, please.
38:49BUZZER
38:50What country's flag has a green triangle on the left?
38:57Please sit down.
38:58Don't be a bore, bro. Come on, man.
39:00Question three, please sit down.
39:02Alex, I've got a delivery.
39:03A delivery?
39:04Just checking if the guy's at the front door.
39:06Yeah.
39:07This is a pub.
39:08Right.
39:09Yeah!
39:10Yeah!
39:11Yeah, you're right.
39:16Yeah, I don't think anyone saw that.
39:17BUZZER
39:18Oh!
39:24There's no-one there.
39:26What animal features on Albania's flag?
39:29Right, we'll be back in two minutes with the answers.
39:33All right.
39:47Yo, yo, yo!
39:51BUZZER
39:56OK.
40:02Hello, everyone.
40:03Hiya.
40:05OK.
40:06The answers.
40:07Please swap papers.
40:08Round three, the picture round.
40:10OK, what was I holding?
40:11What was redacted there?
40:15How did you know that?
40:18It's just the expression.
40:20And it was a colander.
40:21Yeah.
40:22I had a little quiz, I think.
40:25Mm.
40:26Thanks for coming, everyone.
40:27That is closing time now, so...
40:28BELL
40:29Please get out.
40:31Bye-bye.
40:32Bye-bye.
40:33Cheers, guys.
40:38First of all, I will tell you the scores in the quiz.
40:41Andy, Emma and Baba got 22 out of 30.
40:43Jack and Rosie got 23 out of 30.
40:45Oh, God!
40:46But we subtract points for the amount of times I caught them cheating.
40:49I caught the team of three six times.
40:51I caught the team of two nine times,
40:54which means the team of three win the quiz.
40:56Wow!
40:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:03It was close, so I don't know how you want to distribute points.
41:05Five and four?
41:06There we go.
41:07So, four for the team of two, five for the team of three.
41:09APPLAUSE
41:14Let's get the scores out.
41:15Yes, we can have a first look at the series scores, if you want, Greg.
41:18Ooh, yes, please.
41:19Well, it's sort of going like this.
41:21We've got Andy on 37, Baba on 40, Emma on 42,
41:25then we jump to Rosie on 46, Jack's on 53 at the moment.
41:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:32OK, it's that time again.
41:34Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
41:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:46What is going on?
41:49We found their doppelgangers!
41:55It's uncanny!
41:58Who's going to read the task, Alex?
41:59I'd like Jack D to read the task, please, Greg.
42:01Oh, Jack, would you read it?
42:02Yeah, OK.
42:05Russell, Russell, Phil, Phil, Mark, Mark, Rob, Rob and Pat, Pat.
42:10When Alex blows his whistle,
42:11you must all immediately either say one word to the person next to you
42:15or perform one action.
42:18The people may only say yes or no.
42:20If you perform the wrong action, you are disqualified.
42:23You will then meet a new person.
42:25First person to perform all the right actions
42:28to all the right people wins.
42:30Yes, so you're sitting next to somebody who's either called Mark,
42:33Pat, Russell, Rob or Phil.
42:35So, if you think they're called Mark, you put a mark on their clipboard.
42:38If you think they're called Pat, you pat them on the head.
42:40If you think they're called Russell, you Russell them.
42:42You know what I mean?
42:44If you think they're called Rob, you steal one of their pencils.
42:46If you think they're called Phil, you put your stuffing down their top.
42:50If you find out that you're sat next to, for example, Mark,
42:53you have to wait till the next time you meet Mark to mark Mark.
42:57If you correctly Phil, Phil or Mark, Mark or Rob, Rob or Russell, Russell,
43:00you'll get a little sticker on your arm.
43:02The first person to get all five of them wins five points.
43:05No-one gets any other points.
43:07If you do the action wrong, you're out of the game.
43:10OK, once we get going, it's less complicated.
43:13Let's go.
43:15Rob. No.
43:17Phil. No.
43:18Russell. No.
43:19Mark. No.
43:20Pat. No.
43:22Move!
43:23We're off.
43:25Phil. No.
43:26Rob. Yes.
43:27Move!
43:29If you think you've got it right, you have to remember till next time.
43:31Mark. Yes.
43:33Pat. Yes.
43:35Not yet! Sit down!
43:37Please sit down.
43:39Move!
43:41Now move!
43:44It's not very often you'll see Alex genuinely annoyed, ladies and gentlemen.
43:48So, here we go.
43:50Wait, wait, what are their names again?
43:53It's worth trying to remember them.
43:55It's Mark, Pat,
43:57Russell, Rob and Phil.
43:59Rob. Yes.
44:01Move!
44:02Phil. Good.
44:05Rob.
44:07No.
44:08There has been a successful action.
44:10Move!
44:13Yes.
44:19We have a disqualification.
44:21Baba has got this person wrong.
44:23You must stand behind your chair. He is disqualified.
44:25Oh, Baba. At this rate, I don't care.
44:27Right.
44:29Move!
44:31Oh, shit!
44:36That's definitely not his name.
44:39OK, we've got some more action. This is good.
44:42Move!
44:47We have more actions. Move, please, move.
44:52We have action over there.
44:54We have a sticker. Please move.
45:00We have a disqualification. Jack D is gone.
45:02Jack's gone.
45:04Only three left in the game.
45:06Right, you're going to kill me.
45:12Russell.
45:14Mark. Phil.
45:16Yes!
45:20Let's go. Just so you know, thank you, Emma.
45:23Emma has one sticker. The Wizard has one sticker.
45:26Rosie has two stickers.
45:28He's got two.
45:30I know. She's playing you, Emma.
45:32She knows exactly what she's doing.
45:35Here we go.
45:37Move, move, move.
45:40Some action going on.
45:43The Wizard has another sticker.
45:45And move.
45:47We have more action here.
45:49The Wizard has three stickers.
45:55Four stickers.
45:59We could be approaching the end game.
46:04We have five stickers!
46:10We will add those scores to the final score.
46:12Come down and join me.
46:20What a rush.
46:23All right, well, as you saw,
46:25there was only five points to one person there
46:27and that person was Mr Andy Zaltzman.
46:29The Wizard has his revenge.
46:32That means the final table today looks like this.
46:36He's only gone and done it.
46:38The winner, with 21 points, is Andy Zaltzman!
46:43Andy Zaltzman wins.
46:46Please go up and celebrate with your soulful prizes!