When Eric's niece Kathy becomes one of the heirs to a considerable fortune, her life (and those of the other heirs) is placed in jeopardy by the actions of a mysterious inter-loper.
Source: IMDB
Source: IMDB
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00For as much as it hath pleased almighty God of his great mercy
00:00:04to take unto himself the soul of our dear brother, here departeth.
00:00:10We therefore commit his body to the ground.
00:00:13Hello.
00:00:15What you're watching has nothing to do with the film you're going to see, has it?
00:00:20No.
00:00:21You see, what happened was, halfway through the film,
00:00:23one of the main characters, a man who played the part of...
00:00:26Big Jim. Big Jim. Big Jim.
00:00:29He died.
00:00:30If he's the gentleman currently being buried at the moment,
00:00:32played the part of Big Jim, he died.
00:00:34So, if halfway through the film,
00:00:36you see another actor playing the part of Big Jim,
00:00:39you'll know the reason why.
00:00:40You'll give him the hint anyway, won't you?
00:00:42Oh, yes. Oh, yes. I'll do that.
00:00:44Sorry about that.
00:00:46Amen.
00:00:47Yes.
00:00:49Enjoy the film.
00:01:29Once in a lifetime, a film comes along that changes the course of screen history.
00:01:33This is not it.
00:01:35Nevertheless, we, the makers, fondly wish to dedicate our film
00:01:39to all those faces we used to watch every Saturday morning on our cinema screens.
00:01:43Those wonderful faces long since gone
00:01:45that we are now forced to watch every night on our television screens.
00:01:50Anne Rutherford.
00:01:53Frank McHugh.
00:01:55Anne Rutherford.
00:01:58Frank McHugh.
00:02:00John Payne.
00:02:02Where's Wayne Morris?
00:02:03Lynne Barry.
00:02:04I want to hear Wayne Morris.
00:02:05Elisha Cooke, Jr.
00:02:08Lassie.
00:02:09I own Wayne Morris.
00:02:10And that's Veronica Lake with the Peek-A-Boo Bang.
00:02:13Mr. President, where's Wayne Morris?
00:02:17Our film begins in the year 1946.
00:02:20The world was recovering from a long and devastating war.
00:02:23I want to hear Wayne Morris.
00:02:25The United Nations were assembling in New York to decide the future of mankind.
00:02:29Meanwhile, in Carlisle...
00:02:31In the foyer of a music hall...
00:02:32Not 100 yards from the nearest British restaurant...
00:02:38Is that Wayne Morris?
00:02:44Imagine me with my hand on your shoulder
00:02:48And you with your lips getting bolder
00:02:52A sky full of moon and a sweet mellow tune
00:02:56Excuse me.
00:02:58Yes?
00:02:59May I see Mr. Morecambe, please?
00:03:02Oh, is that possible?
00:03:04Well, as you can hear, he's on stage at the moment, miss.
00:03:06Oh, I see.
00:03:07Why don't you go around and ask Pop, the stage doorkeeper, if you can see him?
00:03:10He'll look after you.
00:03:12Oh, um, right.
00:03:16We'll honeymoon in Cairo
00:03:19In a brand-new Alta Gyro
00:03:22Then home by rocket in a WIC
00:03:25Do you mind?
00:03:26We'll settle down near Dallas
00:03:28In a little plastic palace
00:03:31It's not as crazy as you think
00:03:33Oh, no!
00:03:36Imagine me on our first anniversary
00:03:42With someone like me in the nursery
00:03:46It doesn't sound bad
00:03:48And if it can be had
00:03:51We'll buy that dream
00:03:54Bye-bye!
00:03:55We'll buy that
00:03:59Now, we ain't handing you no jive
00:04:02We're really glad to be alive
00:04:04We'll buy that dream
00:04:09Be honest.
00:04:30What was that crazy noise going on back there?
00:04:33Yeah, what was going on behind that curtain?
00:04:35I'm bloody certain more than what was going on in front of it.
00:04:41Ladies and gentlemen
00:04:45The great Manzini
00:04:59He's got lots of suit time this week.
00:05:01It's all right, I'm already fired.
00:05:03We leave tonight before he kills someone.
00:05:18Go in.
00:05:27Yes, you can borrow my sock.
00:05:34And now, ladies and gentlemen
00:05:36Manzini, Manzini will attempt to throw the knife's blindfold.
00:05:39No, no, no!
00:06:00I'm glad these have come back again.
00:06:02Yeah.
00:06:03That's a good laugh, isn't it?
00:06:04It certainly does.
00:06:11Right.
00:06:13Ready for the next show.
00:06:33Come in.
00:06:38I've got a letter for you, Mr. Morcombe.
00:06:43I wonder who it's from.
00:06:44A little girl.
00:06:47Tell by the writing, can you?
00:06:48No, she's outside.
00:06:51Could have been a fan.
00:06:52No, he's outside too.
00:07:02Don't forget your laundry, Mr. Mye.
00:07:04Oh, yeah.
00:07:06Yeah, I'll see you later.
00:07:08T.T.F.M.
00:07:15What's her name?
00:07:17Cathy.
00:07:18Cathy?
00:07:20Cousin Bert's little girl.
00:07:23Bert?
00:07:24Wasn't he the one who got left behind on the beaches at Dunkirk?
00:07:28There were others too, you know.
00:07:31I know.
00:07:33You know that her mother ran away with an American soldier after that?
00:07:36No.
00:07:37Yeah.
00:07:38A fellow called Eisenhower.
00:07:40Not, er...
00:07:43No, no, no.
00:07:45Sid Eisenhower.
00:07:47Sergeant Cook from Milwaukee.
00:07:50Well, what's she doing here?
00:07:51I don't know.
00:07:52I'll have to ask her.
00:07:54So you came up from London by train today?
00:07:57Yes.
00:07:58You must be exhausted.
00:08:00It took six hours.
00:08:01You should have changed a crew.
00:08:03Yes, it only takes ten hours.
00:08:07Hungry?
00:08:08Yes, I am.
00:08:09We could go out and get something to eat.
00:08:11Would you like that?
00:08:13Yes, I would.
00:08:17Oh, but first of all, I have to tell you something.
00:08:21Oh, but first of all, I'm...
00:08:24Kathy?
00:08:28Uncle Eric.
00:08:33Good little girl.
00:08:35The last time I saw you, you were here.
00:08:37Your legs only came to there.
00:08:39Look at them now, all the way down to the ground.
00:08:41And you had hair.
00:08:42I still have, but it's in the dressing room.
00:08:45I'm 21 now.
00:08:48No.
00:08:50Good Lord, you're old enough to vote.
00:08:53But not old enough to talk to strange men.
00:08:56Especially musicians.
00:08:58Hello.
00:08:59This is it. I would like you to meet the nicest, kindest, most generous man in Great Britain today.
00:09:04Unfortunately, he isn't here at the moment.
00:09:07So this is my partner, Ernie White.
00:09:09How do you do?
00:09:10This is Kathy.
00:09:11Yes, say hello.
00:09:12Hello.
00:09:13That's close enough.
00:09:14I thought you said she only came up to here.
00:09:15She does when she sits down.
00:09:16Oh, it must be the high heels.
00:09:18You've got to stop wearing them.
00:09:20Where are you staying?
00:09:22Oh, um, well, I thought I could stay with you.
00:09:25There's an empty room at my digs.
00:09:26That's where it's going to stay, Giraldo.
00:09:28She's staying with us. We've got plenty of room.
00:09:30We have?
00:09:31We have.
00:09:32We have.
00:09:33So it's all back to our place.
00:09:35All except you, Ambrose.
00:09:38I'll get my case.
00:09:41Allow me.
00:09:42Ow!
00:09:47Don't lean on me!
00:09:48Look!
00:09:49What's the matter, Kathy?
00:09:50There's somebody up there.
00:09:51I'll go and take a look.
00:09:52How many hands have I got up?
00:09:54Five.
00:09:57Look, do me a favour, love, will you?
00:09:58Nip to the dresser room and get a glass of water.
00:10:01It's over there. You can't miss it.
00:10:02It's just down there.
00:10:03Don't touch that fool!
00:10:04Sorry. Sorry.
00:10:06There you are.
00:10:07I'm all right. I'm all right.
00:10:08Here, drink that.
00:10:09There was no one there.
00:10:10But there was. I saw him.
00:10:11He had a horrible face.
00:10:13You saw him, didn't you?
00:10:15Well, no, not really, no.
00:10:17But you saw him, didn't you, Uncle Eric?
00:10:18No, honestly, I didn't, love.
00:10:19I really didn't.
00:10:20I did.
00:10:21Of course you did.
00:10:22I want to go home now.
00:10:24Shouldn't he see a doctor?
00:10:25Yeah, I think you're right.
00:10:26Yes.
00:10:27I'll get him to a doctor.
00:10:28Here.
00:10:29Get him out his hat.
00:10:30Get him out his hat.
00:10:31Get him out his hat.
00:10:32Get him out his hat.
00:10:33Get him out his hat.
00:10:34Get him out his hat.
00:10:35Yes.
00:10:40Pop!
00:10:44Pop!
00:10:48We're leaving!
00:10:56I'll leave the key, Pop!
00:11:01Pop!
00:11:04Pop!
00:11:32I'll give you a hand.
00:11:33No, easy, easy.
00:11:34Easy.
00:11:35It's difficult with this thing around my neck.
00:11:36Yeah, don't worry.
00:11:37Look.
00:11:38No, no.
00:11:39Relax.
00:11:41That's it, you see.
00:11:42Look, I'll show you.
00:11:43That.
00:11:44Like that.
00:11:45Yeah.
00:11:46No!
00:11:47Don't!
00:11:48Easy!
00:11:49Don't do that!
00:11:52How do I look?
00:11:54Well, there are nearly survivors.
00:12:00Yeah!
00:12:02No, no.
00:12:03You've got to get into bed.
00:12:04Into bed.
00:12:05Hey!
00:12:06Can I make a wish?
00:12:09You know, I'd feel much better if I was in my own bed.
00:12:13You can't do that, can you?
00:12:15Anyway, because you promised Kathy.
00:12:17And you can't.
00:12:18Get off my throat!
00:12:19Sorry.
00:12:20Sorry.
00:12:21Sorry.
00:12:22Here, the doctor said you've got to have one of these.
00:12:28They taste awful.
00:12:29What are they?
00:12:30Mothballs.
00:12:31Let's have a look.
00:12:32That's what he said.
00:12:33Mothballs.
00:12:34Whatever they are, they taste terrible.
00:12:36Read your book.
00:13:17Yeah?
00:13:18It's me.
00:13:19Can I come in?
00:13:20Yes.
00:13:25Fancy a cup of something?
00:13:28Milk and sugar?
00:13:29Please.
00:13:30That's a relief.
00:13:36All right?
00:13:37All right.
00:13:40What is it?
00:13:42I've told you.
00:13:43It's something.
00:13:45If you want to put a name to it, it's Coco.
00:13:51I think.
00:13:55You know...
00:13:57You know you can stay here as long as you like, don't you?
00:13:59You know that?
00:14:02Have you brought your ration book with you?
00:14:04Mm-mm.
00:14:05Good.
00:14:06Otherwise the landlady will think we're living together.
00:14:10Makes you a bit worried about Ernie and I.
00:14:13Just that, well, I had these two weeks off,
00:14:16so I thought I'd come up and see you.
00:14:22I feel so lonely, you see.
00:14:25Don't think I can take any more.
00:14:27Don't drink it.
00:14:30I haven't got any family.
00:14:32What are you talking about?
00:14:34I'm family.
00:14:40So is he when he's awake.
00:14:43Look, I'll look after him until your dad comes home.
00:14:46Think he ever will?
00:14:48Of course he will. He's bound to.
00:14:51I owe him money.
00:14:55Here.
00:15:03Oh, thank you.
00:15:06No, no, no, keep it.
00:15:09There, er...
00:15:11There is one little thing.
00:15:15Do you mind not calling me Uncle Eric?
00:15:20Because it makes me feel a bit old.
00:15:22Oh, but you're not old, Uncle Eric.
00:15:28Fine, well...
00:15:32I'll say goodnight.
00:15:39Goodnight, Cathy.
00:15:41Goodnight, Eric.
00:15:52Goodnight.
00:16:13Miss Catherine Chalmers?
00:16:14Yes.
00:16:15Am I right in thinking your mother's maiden name was Austen?
00:16:19Yes.
00:16:20They told me at the theatre I might find you here.
00:16:22My card.
00:16:28Miss Chalmers, I have to tell you that I represent your great-uncle Robert.
00:16:31Great-uncle Robert?
00:16:32He is unfortunately now deceased.
00:16:34Oh.
00:16:35He passed away last week at his home in Scotland.
00:16:38Scotland.
00:16:39But even I'm happy to tell you that he has left a considerable amount of money.
00:16:44Money.
00:16:45Well, you'd better come in.
00:16:51Um...
00:16:52Mr. Morecambe, Mr. Wise, um...
00:16:55Excuse me.
00:16:57This is Mr. Mackay.
00:16:58Mackay, actually.
00:17:00Oh.
00:17:02Um...
00:17:03Ah.
00:17:06Uh, gentlemen.
00:17:08Is there, uh...
00:17:09Is there a gramophone in the house?
00:17:12That's a gramophone.
00:17:14We actually use these things to rehearse with.
00:17:17You see.
00:17:18When we're doing a new act.
00:17:19We're going to do a miming act, you see.
00:17:21Listen.
00:17:24We'll gather lilacs in the spring again
00:17:31And walk together down an English land
00:17:37Until our hearts have met in the spring again
00:17:43Until our hearts have met in the spring again
00:17:53Gentlemen.
00:17:54I am sorry, but I simply have no time to waste.
00:17:57Mr. Mackay's son...
00:17:58Mackay.
00:17:59...is a solicitor and he's acting on behalf of my great uncle Robert.
00:18:03And I was instructed by him posthumously, you understand,
00:18:06to seek out each of his remaining relatives
00:18:08and play to him, or her, this record.
00:18:19This is Robert McCausland Austin
00:18:22speaking to you all from the grave.
00:18:25From the grave.
00:18:27From the grave.
00:18:29As you are all aware,
00:18:31I was an extremely rich and eccentric man
00:18:38from the grave.
00:18:39So I have made it a provision in my will
00:18:42that those members of the Austin clan
00:18:45wishing to benefit from my bounty
00:18:47needs must gather at Austin Hall,
00:18:49the family seat in Scotland,
00:18:51for the reading of the aforementioned document.
00:18:54So if you're not there, you won't get your share.
00:19:00What did he say?
00:19:01You won't get your share.
00:19:02And now, Miss Catherine,
00:19:04I must ask you formally if you wish to be present...
00:19:06It's James, his voice.
00:19:07No, it's him.
00:19:08If you wish to be present at the reading of the will
00:19:11Yes. When did you say it was?
00:19:13Midnight tomorrow.
00:19:14Now, I have arranged for the night train
00:19:16to stop at Penrith in exactly 23 and a half minutes.
00:19:20If we start now, we can just make it.
00:19:22I have a, excuse me,
00:19:23I have a conveyance at the door.
00:19:25Could I just have a word?
00:19:27I beg your pardon?
00:19:28I'm sorry, but what you don't seem to understand
00:19:30is if she goes to Scotland, I've got to go with her.
00:19:33No, no, you can't do that.
00:19:34We've got to be in Darlington on Monday morning.
00:19:36Darlington doesn't really matter.
00:19:37We haven't got to be there till Monday evening.
00:19:39No, no, we've got the bank call at 11 o'clock.
00:19:41And we're putting the new number in as well.
00:19:43Now, will you listen?
00:19:45I'm sorry.
00:19:46We're all sorry.
00:19:48You see, the fact of the matter is this,
00:19:51that if Miss, um...
00:19:52Catherine.
00:19:53Catherine wants to share in the family fortune,
00:19:56she simply has to be there.
00:19:59Well, how much money is there in the family fortune?
00:20:02Ten million pounds.
00:20:10Well, what are we waiting for?
00:20:12I'll get dressed.
00:20:14Yes, do hurry, Miss.
00:20:16We've only got, what, 22 and a half minutes.
00:20:23What are you doing?
00:20:25Don't you want to hear the other side of the record?
00:20:28Keep right on...
00:20:50Well, don't just stand there.
00:20:52Bring the luggage and pay the man.
00:20:54We've only got a few minutes.
00:20:56Come along, my dear.
00:21:02What about Ernie?
00:21:03What's keeping him?
00:21:04I've no idea.
00:21:05Well, go and get him.
00:21:06I'll go get him.
00:21:27Ticket, please.
00:21:47Three men and a girl in the Triumph.
00:21:51Sorry.
00:21:53Mr. McKay!
00:21:54McKay.
00:21:55McKay is the name, thank you.
00:22:02Oh, so you made it, uh, has he?
00:22:04Yes.
00:22:05Good.
00:22:08I've let Miss Austen have my sleeping berth.
00:22:11I thought she was a wee bit tired.
00:22:14Excuse me.
00:22:15Sorry.
00:22:19We have a first-class compartment to ourselves.
00:22:22The boat is down at 20.
00:22:26How did you manage that?
00:22:27Oh, I had a word with the guard.
00:22:43Uh, first class?
00:22:45Wasn't that expensive?
00:22:47He did what?
00:22:48Cost me half a crown.
00:22:51Oh, that reminds me.
00:22:53One, two, and six.
00:23:02Put that light out!
00:23:03What's going on?
00:23:04Who can I join in?
00:23:06The guard told me there was something wrong with the lights.
00:23:09It's nothing to worry about.
00:23:10They'll have it fixed soon.
00:23:14Oh, this is it.
00:23:16What?
00:23:17Your name.
00:23:18Mr. McKay.
00:23:20McKay!
00:23:21Sorry.
00:23:44How long until we get there?
00:23:46About six hours.
00:23:50That's a long trip.
00:23:51It is, it is.
00:23:55Listen, it just occurs to me.
00:23:57Would you two gentlemen care for a wee game of cards?
00:24:00Just, uh, while away the journey, yeah?
00:24:04I wouldn't say no.
00:24:05No, why not?
00:24:07For money?
00:24:09For money?
00:24:13Yeah.
00:24:22He's very good, you know.
00:24:24Oh, is he?
00:24:38I'm not as good as that.
00:24:43I'm not as good as that.
00:25:13I'm not as good as that.
00:25:31What game shall we play?
00:25:32Chase the ace.
00:25:33Top of the eight, the knockout.
00:25:34Poker.
00:25:35Ducks to open.
00:25:36Deuce and spades while.
00:25:37Gear to cup.
00:25:40My card deal.
00:25:41My deal.
00:25:42Oh, you're dealing, are you?
00:25:43I just have.
00:25:44I'm in.
00:25:46All right.
00:25:52Uncle Felix.
00:25:53Cathy, my dear.
00:25:55Were you followed?
00:25:57I don't think so.
00:25:58Why?
00:25:59You were in great danger.
00:26:01That's why I wrote you that note.
00:26:02What danger?
00:26:03What do you mean?
00:26:04Well...
00:26:05You did say jacks to open.
00:26:06Yes.
00:26:07Well, I'll open.
00:26:08You're fouled.
00:26:10Lost it.
00:26:11I'm in.
00:26:13How many?
00:26:14Three.
00:26:17Three.
00:26:36How play these?
00:26:39Why open so I'll bet?
00:26:41Two pounds.
00:26:45You're two pounds.
00:26:47And another two pounds.
00:26:58I'll cover that.
00:27:06And another five.
00:27:12Oh, come on.
00:27:13What's going on?
00:27:14The workout was over.
00:27:32Oh, no.
00:27:33That's lovely.
00:27:34Why don't they do something?
00:27:35Last time I...
00:27:53They're at it again.
00:27:54Why don't they pay their bills?
00:28:04Tickets, please.
00:28:05Gentlemen.
00:28:06Gambling.
00:28:07I have to report this to the railway police.
00:28:08Now, just a minute, my good man.
00:28:09I am a solicitor.
00:28:10He's a solicitor.
00:28:11I thought you were going to get the lights fixed.
00:28:12Absolutely.
00:28:13Oh, he's gone.
00:28:14Show us the money.
00:28:15After him.
00:28:16Come on.
00:28:17Come on.
00:28:18Come on.
00:28:19Come on.
00:28:20Come on.
00:28:21Come on.
00:28:22Come on.
00:28:23Come on.
00:28:24Come on.
00:28:25Come on.
00:28:26Come on.
00:28:27Come on.
00:28:28Come on.
00:28:29Come on.
00:28:30Come on.
00:28:31Come on.
00:28:32Come on.
00:28:34He must have gone this way.
00:28:41Mackay came to see you today, did he not?
00:28:44It's all taking shape.
00:28:45It's part of his plan, don't you see?
00:28:47What plan?
00:28:48What are you talking about, Uncle Felix?
00:28:51Stay very close to me, Cathy.
00:28:53Cathy!
00:28:54Uncle Felix?
00:28:58Uncle Felix!
00:28:59Are you all right?
00:29:04Oh, God.
00:29:10There he is.
00:29:11Where's our money?
00:29:12Money, gentlemen?
00:29:13Come on, hand it over.
00:29:14Cathy!
00:29:15Oh, thank God.
00:29:16What do you want?
00:29:17What have you been up to with her?
00:29:18Excuse me, sir.
00:29:19It's what she's been up to with him.
00:29:23Oh, my God.
00:29:25Do you know him?
00:29:26Felix.
00:29:27Who is he?
00:29:29He's...
00:29:30He was one of the Austen's.
00:29:32He's an uncle of yours, Miss Catherine.
00:29:34Oh, sir.
00:29:36Don't touch anything, sir.
00:29:38I shall have to report all this to the railway police.
00:29:41What?
00:29:42Well, this is the first time I've ever had a murder on me train.
00:29:45Murder?
00:29:46What are you blathering about, man?
00:29:48As perfectly obvious, the poor fellow committed suicide.
00:29:50I'm sorry, Miss Catherine.
00:29:52Anybody with half an eye can see that.
00:29:54Am I right, gentlemen?
00:29:57So I would suggest to you, my good man,
00:30:00that you get this train moving again tootsweet.
00:30:03Now, look here.
00:30:05Give this to the police.
00:30:07That is the address at which we shall all be staying for the next few days.
00:30:11What about Uncle Felix?
00:30:13Oh, yes.
00:30:15Well, uh...
00:30:17We do have an empty coffin on the train, sir.
00:30:19We could put him in that.
00:30:21What a good idea.
00:30:23Ah, oh, yes.
00:30:29Here.
00:30:35Sir.
00:30:39Here.
00:30:40Thank you. That'll do nicely.
00:30:42And, uh...
00:30:44Put it off with us tomorrow.
00:30:46All right?
00:30:47Just leave it to me, sir.
00:30:50No trouble at all, sir.
00:30:52Good.
00:31:20We're here, gentlemen.
00:31:22We're here. Thank you very much.
00:31:25Have you no respect?
00:31:27I'll let the family know we're here.
00:31:58Woo!
00:31:59Stole my heart away.
00:32:01Woo!
00:32:02Makes me dream all day.
00:32:12That must look a wreck.
00:32:15Nonsense.
00:32:20There used to be a goldfish pond over there somewhere.
00:32:23Really?
00:32:24Really?
00:32:25Mm.
00:32:26Remember, it's the golden ponds.
00:32:28Miss Catherine.
00:32:29Gentlemen.
00:32:35Hurry, please.
00:32:40We can go in now.
00:32:42The family is expecting us.
00:32:44What about Uncle Felix?
00:32:46Yes.
00:32:47Well, I've broken that awful news to them.
00:32:49We're putting Uncle Felix in the pantry for the night.
00:32:52He'll keep better there.
00:32:53Right, Big Jim?
00:32:55Yes, sir.
00:32:57That's him.
00:32:58That's Big Jim.
00:33:00Before you do that, Big Jim,
00:33:01I wonder if you would mind putting the luggage in the side room.
00:33:05Would you?
00:33:10This is where he dies.
00:33:13Ah!
00:33:15Get on.
00:33:16Get on.
00:33:17Shh.
00:33:18Shh.
00:33:19Shh.
00:33:24Ah!
00:33:25Good night, Big Jim.
00:33:30Good night, Mr. Mackay.
00:33:42Yes, well, come along then.
00:33:45The Austens don't like to be kept wait...
00:33:54Ah, Mackay.
00:33:56Dame Flora.
00:33:57May I present Miss Catherine Charns.
00:34:00How do you do, my dear?
00:34:01Welcome to Austen Hall.
00:34:03Thank you very much, Dame Flora.
00:34:05Oh, please call me Auntie.
00:34:07Well, Auntie Flora, this is my Uncle Eric.
00:34:11Uncle Eric.
00:34:13Yes, on her father's side.
00:34:15Thank goodness for that.
00:34:18And this is my small associate and partner, Mr. Ernie Wise.
00:34:23No relation, of course.
00:34:25Charmed.
00:34:29Miss Catherine, allow me to present you to the rest of the family.
00:34:32This is your cousin Zelda.
00:34:34Hello.
00:34:35Cousin Zelda.
00:34:36And your second cousin Milton from the USA.
00:34:39Hello.
00:34:40Second cousin Milton from the USA.
00:34:42And I think that's taken care of the introduction.
00:34:44And I think that's taken care of the introduction.
00:34:46And I think that's taken care of the introduction.
00:34:48I'm from the American branch of the family.
00:34:51I'm Austen from Boston.
00:34:53Oh, you're a Boston Austen.
00:34:54A Boston Austen.
00:34:56You look more like Alice from Dulles.
00:35:00What are they doing here anyway?
00:35:01This is supposed to be a family affair.
00:35:03I haven't had an affair all week.
00:35:05Well, if it wasn't for them, I might not be here at all.
00:35:08That doesn't sound like a bad idea.
00:35:10No, no, she has as much right to be here as the next man.
00:35:13Sorry, Mother.
00:35:16I'm sorry.
00:35:24Say that again.
00:35:27Right.
00:35:28It does sound better with music.
00:35:32What did you say these gentlemen do?
00:35:34They're comedians, madam, entertainers.
00:35:36You've heard them on workers' playtime.
00:35:38Do workers actually have a playtime?
00:35:41Somebody hold this.
00:35:42I'll hold it.
00:35:43You would, wouldn't you?
00:35:45You mean they receive money?
00:35:47I believe so.
00:35:53Listen, if there's going to be trouble, we're going to leave right now.
00:35:56Mr. Mackay, would you...
00:35:57Mackay.
00:35:58Would you please phone for a taxi?
00:36:01I'm afraid that won't be possible.
00:36:03Why not?
00:36:04Due to the storm this evening, the telephone lines are down.
00:36:07What storm?
00:36:08There was no storm this evening.
00:36:15Ladies and gentlemen,
00:36:17we are having some trouble with the generator in the basement,
00:36:21but you will find oil lamps scattered liberally throughout the household
00:36:25whose wicks merely require hand trimming.
00:36:31Who is he?
00:36:32That's Rivers, the family retainer.
00:36:34Very close to my late uncle.
00:36:36How long has your uncle been dead?
00:36:37A week.
00:36:38Are you sure?
00:36:39Yes.
00:36:40Very close to my late uncle.
00:36:41How long has your uncle been dead?
00:36:43A week.
00:36:44Are you sure?
00:36:45I hope so. He buried him.
00:36:46Might I remind you all that the reading of the will
00:36:48will take place in the library at midnight tonight,
00:36:51which is imprecisely four hours from now.
00:37:11Perhaps Miss Catherine and our guests
00:37:14would like to attend to their ablutions after their journey.
00:37:21Walk this way.
00:37:34If they come,
00:37:37if they could walk that way,
00:37:41they wouldn't need the talcum powder.
00:37:43I knew somebody would have to say that.
00:37:48I put you in here, Miss Catherine.
00:37:50It was your great uncle's last resting place.
00:37:53He died here.
00:37:56In that very bed.
00:38:07Ah, thank you, Rivers.
00:38:10See you later.
00:38:12Yes.
00:38:18This way, gentlemen.
00:38:23May I say, gentlemen,
00:38:25what a pleasure it is to welcome you as guests to Austen Hall.
00:38:29I deem it an especial honor to buttle for you.
00:38:32Oh, you know I work then, Rivers?
00:38:34I'm a fan.
00:38:36Watch.
00:38:44That's very good.
00:38:46But we don't do that.
00:38:48No, we do, we do that.
00:38:50We do that.
00:38:51Doesn't that hurt?
00:38:53Yes.
00:38:54That's my hand.
00:38:56What do you like us doing best?
00:38:58I like a bit strolling round the stage,
00:39:01hands on each other's shoulders,
00:39:03singing underneath the arches.
00:39:05Well, we don't do that either.
00:39:07Or either.
00:39:08That's Flanagan and Allan.
00:39:10I know, but you did ask me what I liked best.
00:39:18Your room, gentlemen.
00:39:31What?
00:39:34They say that Bonnie Prince Charlotte once slept in that bed.
00:39:43Now, look at this one and his horse.
00:40:02ALLAN
00:40:15I'd like to have met him when he was alive.
00:40:19MUSIC
00:40:33Hello?
00:40:34Ready yet?
00:40:36Almost.
00:40:37I can't thank you enough for the clothes.
00:40:39Nonsense, what are cousins for?
00:40:41Up till yesterday, I didn't even know I had a cousin.
00:40:44I'm so pleased.
00:40:46Even though it'll mean we'll all get less money.
00:40:48Oh, I'm sorry.
00:40:50Will you be long?
00:40:51Aunt Flora doesn't like to be kept waiting.
00:40:53I'll be ready in a few minutes.
00:40:55Good. Bye-bye.
00:40:57Bye.
00:41:07How's that?
00:41:09You'll be able to scratch yourself to death in church on Sunday.
00:41:12Oh, no.
00:41:17You know, it's very unusual.
00:41:19It's beginning to frighten me.
00:41:21Well, don't show it to anybody.
00:41:23No, no, no, the wolf, you know.
00:41:25Passed out to death.
00:41:27The rich old uncle dying.
00:41:29The reading of the will.
00:41:31The business on the train.
00:41:33That's exactly what's happening to us.
00:41:35MUSIC
00:41:38How did you get there?
00:41:40That's exactly what's happening to us.
00:41:42Muts, binding in the moss.
00:41:44How did you get there?
00:41:46Muts, binding in the moss.
00:41:48Good old goose brains.
00:41:50Muts.
00:41:52Muts.
00:41:54Yeah?
00:41:55We've got coffee.
00:41:56Oh, come in.
00:41:58How do I look?
00:41:59Oh, wonderful.
00:42:01How many clothing coupons did that walk cost you?
00:42:04Um, no.
00:42:05It was sold and she let me have it.
00:42:07Oh, she'd let me have it.
00:42:08That can be arranged.
00:42:10You mustn't laugh.
00:42:12That's a very pretty dress.
00:42:14No, no.
00:42:15Look at you, dinner suit.
00:42:17These are our working clothes.
00:42:18All the time we wear these.
00:42:19You've still got your stap shoes on, haven't you?
00:42:20Yeah, yeah.
00:42:21Do the dance for her.
00:42:22Stumbling all around, stumbling all around, my honey.
00:42:25That's enough, come on.
00:42:2738 steps.
00:42:28One more and I could have written a book.
00:42:29Who's your tailor?
00:42:30Why?
00:42:31That was going to be my second question.
00:42:32I love your dress.
00:42:34My mother used to wear more than that in bed.
00:42:37Excuse me.
00:42:38That's disgusting.
00:42:39That means dinner's served.
00:42:41Don't rush.
00:42:43No running.
00:42:44Dignity at all times.
00:42:45Come on.
00:42:49Um, sorry we're late.
00:42:52Yes.
00:42:54If you don't mind, we'll go straight in.
00:43:00Sweet.
00:43:06Must you dance every dance
00:43:11With the same fortunate man you have been?
00:43:16Every dance, every dance, with the same fortunate man you have been.
00:43:25I'd like to make a trunk call to a Miss Catherine Chalmers.
00:43:54That's right, Chalmers, at Austin Hall, Austin Point, Argyllshire, Scotland.
00:44:07Tell me, have you been to Balmoral lately?
00:44:21I've never played there, no.
00:44:25Excuse me.
00:44:27Three.
00:44:30Tell me, Dame Flora, why is your husband not with us?
00:44:33Oh, he passed away some time ago.
00:44:36Oh, at least you know where he is at night.
00:44:55I thought you said you didn't fool around with women.
00:45:12No, what I said was, when it comes to women, I don't fool around.
00:45:15Gentlemen, won't you please do one of your amusing charades, just for me?
00:45:20Of course, Dame Flora.
00:45:24Gentlemen, will you please sit down?
00:45:26What happens is now, in our show that we do together,
00:45:29we always close the bill at the end, because we follow the monkey act.
00:45:32And everybody thinks they're an encore.
00:45:34What did he say?
00:45:35He said something about an encore.
00:45:36Later, later.
00:45:37Now, anybody here who can play?
00:45:39I can.
00:45:40Yes, I realise that, but we're talking about the piano.
00:45:41Try me.
00:45:42Oh.
00:45:43Oh.
00:45:44Yes.
00:45:45Lovely.
00:45:46Forgot the music.
00:45:47Of course.
00:45:48Little Sir Echo.
00:45:49In F?
00:45:50In F, yes.
00:45:51But don't worry, if we sing it in G.
00:45:53How about G?
00:45:54Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the show.
00:45:56We've just had a request from four people that have just left.
00:46:01To sing a little song entitled,
00:46:03Charlie Chan, You're a Different Man Since You Backed In to the Electric Fan.
00:46:08Now, while you're singing this song, I want you, the people, to remain seated.
00:46:11I want no hooliganism.
00:46:13No standing up, trying to touch him, because at his age,
00:46:16things are liable to drop off.
00:46:19Let him finish his song first, Dame Flora,
00:46:22and then he's yours.
00:46:23Thank you, Professor.
00:46:24Two, three, four.
00:46:26Oh, Little Sir Echo, how do you do?
00:46:31Hello, hello, hello, hello.
00:46:35Little Sir Echo, you're very blue.
00:46:39Hello, hello, hello, hello.
00:46:44Hello.
00:46:45They're singing off-key.
00:46:47They even walk off-key.
00:46:49Come over and play.
00:46:51Nice little fellow, I know by your voice.
00:46:54But you're away so far away.
00:46:58Hello.
00:47:00Hello.
00:47:01Hold it, hold it.
00:47:02You're supposed to say hello.
00:47:04Like you did before.
00:47:05Two, three, four.
00:47:07Hello.
00:47:09Hello.
00:47:11Just a minute, love.
00:47:18Hello.
00:47:20Just a minute.
00:47:28She's dead.
00:47:30How?
00:47:34Poison and no whiskey, I'd say.
00:47:37I gave her that.
00:47:39Yes, you did, didn't you?
00:47:47Now, wait a minute.
00:47:49Let's get the lady upstairs.
00:47:50No.
00:47:52Better touch nothing until the police arrive.
00:47:55You can't just leave her there sitting.
00:47:57Kathy's right, I'll cover her.
00:48:08Sorry.
00:48:12Hello.
00:48:14Hello.
00:48:15Hello.
00:48:17Hello.
00:48:19As we said before, the lines are down.
00:48:23Rivers.
00:48:25Get one of the staff to cycle down to the village, will you?
00:48:28They've all gone home for the night, sir.
00:48:30As per your instructions.
00:48:37The window.
00:48:39Excuse me.
00:48:46You!
00:48:48Sorry I intruded.
00:48:49Who are you, madman?
00:48:50What have you been up to up there?
00:48:52Look, it's the name of one of our guards who creaked.
00:48:54Creaked?
00:48:55The insane asylumers.
00:48:56Well, now, we were a trouble, see?
00:48:58Trouble?
00:48:59What kind of trouble?
00:49:00How would you see one of them?
00:49:01I don't know.
00:49:02I don't know.
00:49:03I don't know.
00:49:04I don't know.
00:49:05I don't know.
00:49:06I don't know.
00:49:07I don't know.
00:49:09Well, I'd like to see them.
00:49:10Yes, come on, do it.
00:49:11All right.
00:49:12I'm sure one of the prisoners has escaped.
00:49:13Is he dangerous?
00:49:14Oh, definitely, miss.
00:49:15Completely out of his head.
00:49:16Homicide maniac, completely uncontrollable.
00:49:17You know what I mean.
00:49:21This fits him passport to death, too.
00:49:23They searched the grounds for him.
00:49:25Yeah, we're searching the grounds for him.
00:49:26That's right.
00:49:27So make sure all your doors and windows are locked and bolted.
00:49:30And if you hear any strange noises, don't worry.
00:49:32That'll be us.
00:49:33I've got men out in the moors as well.
00:49:35It's all in good.
00:49:36What does he look like?
00:49:37Yeah, well, this is a great big filly, about six-foot-three, a scar just about where his right ear used to be, you know what I mean?
00:49:46What's the matter with the lady?
00:49:47Nothing, pal. She's dead.
00:49:48But we can't telephone the police.
00:49:51Don't worry, boss. I'll let the police know right away.
00:49:54Well, I'd better be going.
00:50:01Don't forget, people, keep everything locked and loaded.
00:50:05Yes, we will.
00:50:07I know you will.
00:50:18Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll go and prepare for the reading of the will.
00:50:26I could do with a breath of fresh air.
00:50:28Be careful. Remember what the guard said. There's a lunatic out there.
00:50:32There's two in here. I'll take my chances.
00:50:37That looks suspicious.
00:50:38Another drink, sir?
00:50:39Well, I...
00:50:41No, thank you.
00:50:42A whiskey for you, sir?
00:50:44Oh, well, if it's a whiskey, I wouldn't say yes.
00:50:50Are you there?
00:51:06Milton!
00:51:31Milton!
00:51:33Milton, are you there?
00:51:37You see, it's almost midnight. I must read the will. I have my instructions.
00:51:41Ah, Rivers, have you seen Mr. Milton?
00:51:43Isn't he inside, sir?
00:51:44No, he isn't.
00:51:46He was drinking a lot.
00:51:47A drink can do terrible things to a man.
00:51:49So can I give an half a chance.
00:51:52Bang!
00:51:53Police, Miss Selden. Time is running out. Come along.
00:52:02Gentlemen, this is a family affair.
00:52:07Milton!
00:52:10What's up, Milton?
00:52:11It's Kathy.
00:52:32We've got to do something. There's a murder allusion.
00:52:34Drink this.
00:52:35First of all, I must read the will.
00:52:37No.
00:52:38Only then is it...
00:52:39I think we've all had enough for one night.
00:52:41Never thought I'd ever hear myself say that.
00:52:43I agree with Miss Selden.
00:52:45Temples are becoming frayed. Things will look better in the morning.
00:52:49But what about the bodies?
00:52:50I think we should leave them until the police arrive.
00:52:53If they arrive.
00:52:55They will, sir.
00:52:56They always do.
00:52:58Rivers, please, just go and find that guard and get him to me.
00:53:01Rivers, please, just go and find that guard and get him to bring the police now.
00:53:05Very good.
00:53:06Miss?
00:53:07I'll cover up the bodies.
00:53:11No, I'll do that.
00:53:21Sorry.
00:53:22If you two carry on like this, there'll be nothing left for these two young ladies to inherit.
00:53:26That's right.
00:53:27There's only you two left.
00:53:32The generator still needs seeing to.
00:53:34I'll go and fix it.
00:53:35Not too fast, I hope.
00:53:36I do my best work in the dark.
00:53:38Right.
00:53:39I'll just go down to the basement and fix things.
00:53:42Why don't you two gentlemen see these ladies to their rooms?
00:53:50See you all later.
00:53:51I hope.
00:54:01See you later.
00:54:31Hey.
00:55:01Hey.
00:55:02Hey.
00:55:31I've said it before.
00:55:50Well, you'll say it again.
00:55:54It's uncanny.
00:55:58Everything is in this book just as it's happening to us now.
00:56:02It's happening to the two people in the book.
00:56:04They might as well be us.
00:56:07What happens next?
00:56:11They try to murder us.
00:56:14How?
00:56:16It says there's a big stone slab on top of the bed and it falls down.
00:56:47See?
00:56:50Where have you been?
00:56:57I've been here.
00:57:03What?
00:57:07Where have you been?
00:57:09I've been here.
00:57:10What?
00:57:21Did you hear that?
00:57:23No.
00:57:28It came from over here.
00:57:31From behind this new painting.
00:57:33How do you know it's a new painting?
00:57:39The paint's still wet.
00:58:04What are you doing?
00:58:05I'm looking for a secret panel.
00:58:06These old houses usually have one.
00:58:08Oh, don't worry about that.
00:58:10I found that this morning.
00:58:11It's like those early Boris Karloff films.
00:58:15Look.
00:58:18Mr. McKay, Mr. McKay.
00:58:20It's hell of a wait.
00:58:22Sorry to interrupt, fellows.
00:58:23I'll come back later.
00:58:24Don't go.
00:58:25We need you.
00:58:26Well, all right.
00:58:27I'll try anything once.
00:58:29Grab this.
00:58:32Now, wait a minute.
00:58:34He's dead.
00:58:51We'd better cover him up.
00:58:53No, I'll do it.
00:59:00That was Kathy.
00:59:06It's not good.
00:59:07It's locked.
00:59:08Kathy, open up.
00:59:09Let me.
00:59:12Kathy.
00:59:13Kathy.
00:59:16It's all right.
00:59:17Cover him.
00:59:18Tie that one.
00:59:19No, no, no.
00:59:20Cover him right here.
00:59:23What are you doing?
00:59:25I'm going to put the armor on.
00:59:30The face from the theater.
00:59:35Ready, Eric?
00:59:36Ready.
00:59:37One, two, three.
00:59:43Ow!
00:59:55Oh, no.
01:00:00Rivers.
01:00:02Chief Superintendent Rivers at New Scotland Yard.
01:00:05It's all right, sir.
01:00:06I'm on your side.
01:00:07I'll explain later.
01:00:08He's got Kathy.
01:00:09Who has?
01:00:10I'll explain later.
01:00:12Kathy.
01:00:13Hands up.
01:00:14I'll take that.
01:00:15Over there, all of you.
01:00:20Eric.
01:00:21Eric, come on.
01:00:22Get in.
01:00:30Who are you?
01:00:32All the world's a stage, Mr. Wise.
01:00:36And all the men and women merely players.
01:00:40They have their exits and their entrances.
01:00:44And one man in his time plays many parts.
01:01:00Don't forget, people.
01:01:02Keep your doors and windows locked.
01:01:05You know what I mean?
01:01:07The guard from the asylum.
01:01:09I knew it was him all along.
01:01:11Oh, you're so wise, Mr. Wise.
01:01:15But did you know this?
01:01:24Tickets, please.
01:01:26I'm sorry, gentlemen.
01:01:27I shall have to report all this to the railway police.
01:01:30The guard on the train.
01:01:31Where's our money?
01:01:33One moment's indulgence, ladies and gentlemen.
01:01:35I thank you.
01:01:38Who is he now?
01:01:44Pop.
01:01:46Don't forget your laundry, Mr. Wise.
01:01:48You never paid me for it.
01:01:50But why?
01:01:51Who are you?
01:01:53Who am I?
01:01:56Who am I?
01:01:59Good question.
01:02:03Cousin Milton!
01:02:05But that's impossible, Milton.
01:02:07You're dead.
01:02:09That's right, Zelda.
01:02:10Milton is dead.
01:02:13I killed him.
01:02:15And all the rest.
01:02:17Dame Flora.
01:02:19Uncle Felix.
01:02:21Even great Uncle Robert.
01:02:23I killed them all.
01:02:25Including Mackay.
01:02:27Mackay.
01:02:28That's right.
01:02:29But just exactly who are you?
01:02:32I'm Homer.
01:02:33Homer?
01:02:35Milton's twin brother.
01:02:37I didn't know Milton had a twin brother.
01:02:39Disowned by the family.
01:02:41And thrown out along with my mother to starve on the street.
01:02:45Look, Homer, I'm sorry. I really am.
01:02:47But it's not our fault.
01:02:49You are, Miss Katherine.
01:02:51But it isn't going to make me break the promise I gave to Mother on her deathbed.
01:02:56What did you promise your mother?
01:02:58To crush you all like the irritating little bugs you are.
01:03:04The Austin family money is rightfully mine, however much it is.
01:03:08It's too late.
01:03:09What about me?
01:03:11You wait your turn.
01:03:20Sorry.
01:03:31Hey, quick, grab the handle!
01:03:33Right on, you shopper!
01:03:43The handle!
01:03:50Oh, no!
01:03:52Oh, no!
01:03:55Look out!
01:03:59Look out!
01:04:01Oh, the handle!
01:04:03Look out, behind you!
01:04:13Bye!
01:04:16Well done, Eric.
01:04:18Mr. Morcom, Mr. Morcom.
01:04:20No, it's no good. He's unconscious.
01:04:22Leave it to me. I know what to do.
01:04:24Eric, they're playing our music.
01:04:26We're on stage now.
01:04:29How am I doing?
01:04:34Imagine you with the head on my shoulder
01:04:37Hurry up, you may come to any minute
01:04:39And me with my lips getting bolder
01:04:42Hold the handle now, a sky full of moon
01:04:45And the sweet smell of June
01:04:47Not that one, you fool, the other one over there
01:04:49I'll buy the dream
01:04:51Hurry up now!
01:05:05Right, I'll take charge now.
01:05:07Oh, Jesus, you're marvellous.
01:05:11Is he really a chief superintendent?
01:05:13Yeah, I just found out.
01:05:15And that's my London number.
01:05:19Your number, ma'am?
01:05:21No, don't do that! Oh, my neck!
01:05:25Bye-bye.
01:05:26Bye.
01:05:27Bye.
01:05:28Don't forget to write.
01:05:30Oh, we don't need to write.
01:05:32We'll be seeing you next week.
01:05:34All we have to do is see the lawyer,
01:05:36sign the papers and pick up the money.
01:05:38And anyone else who might be around.
01:05:40Bye.
01:05:49Please, please!
01:05:51I must have a chance to explain!
01:05:53Keep that man quiet, Sergeant, please!
01:05:55Right, sir.
01:06:02Sorry about that.
01:06:04All these fellows understand.
01:06:06A short, sharp lesson.
01:06:12Goodbye, Mr Wise.
01:06:18Mr Morecambe?
01:06:21You've got my telephone number, if need be?
01:06:24Oh, yes. Whitehall 1212.
01:06:26Correct.
01:06:28Goodbye.
01:06:34Goodbye.
01:06:41Well, that's it, then.
01:06:44What day is it?
01:06:46Monday, I think.
01:06:49We have to be in Darlington by tonight.
01:06:51Yeah, I know.
01:06:53Which way's the station?
01:06:55I've no idea. It was dark when we arrived.
01:06:59Why didn't you get us a lift?
01:07:01Sorry.
01:07:04Come on.
01:07:18After a minute.
01:07:22How does it end? It's been right so far.
01:07:24Well, it's completely wrong now.
01:07:26It says here the crook gets away scot-free.
01:07:29Scot-free?
01:07:33The stolen police car pulled up
01:07:35at the side of the remote Scottish country road.
01:07:38Casting a glance over his shoulder
01:07:40to make sure that he was unobserved,
01:07:43the supposed Chief Superintendent Rivers
01:07:45took off his hat and deftly applied
01:07:48the contents of a pot of Leichner cleansing cream
01:07:51to his face.
01:07:53Using a make-up towel, he swiftly removed his disguise,
01:07:56revealing himself to be none other than Cousin Homer.
01:08:00Free again, he released his handbrake
01:08:03and set off in his murderous pursuit
01:08:05of the hapless Zelda and Cappy.
01:08:09I don't know why you waste your money.
01:08:12Come on.
01:08:26Come on.
01:08:41Little Sir Echo, how do you do?
01:08:45Hello. Hello. Hello.
01:08:50Little Sir Echo, well, very blue.
01:08:54Hello. Hello. Hello.
01:08:59Hello. Hello. Hello.
01:09:03Hello.
01:09:04Won't you come over and play?
01:09:07You're a nice little fellow
01:09:10I know by your voice
01:09:13But you're always so far away
01:09:24You're always so far away
01:09:29You're always so far away
01:09:34You're always so far away
01:09:39You're always so far away
01:09:44You're always so far away
01:09:50That Zelda, did she ever kiss you?
01:09:53No, but she steamed my glasses up a couple of times.
01:10:09You know, she said that really her heart belonged to me.
01:10:12Well, how come the rest of her was going out with the other men?
01:10:19You're so smart.
01:10:21How can you say that?
01:10:23You met my first partner, didn't you?
01:10:49Where's the Scottish border?
01:10:59In bed with the landlady.