Category
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FunTranscript
00:30If I were a rich man, I'd...
00:37If I were a rich man, I'd...
01:07So you finally found the place, then?
01:16We had a bit of trouble, sir. It's Dave. He's not used to driving in the country.
01:20Oh, yeah. When you said second on the left after the post office,
01:24Mr Navigator here thought that included tiny little dirt tracks with great big signs saying,
01:28Pick your own strawberries.
01:30One wrong turn.
01:32Two.
01:33It was your idea to drive across the potato field.
01:35That was a shortcut. Dave, you were ploughing a cross. We were being followed by seagulls.
01:40Next time we get called out to the back of beyond, you can drive.
01:43Right. We might get out of second gear, then.
01:45Just you remember, James Dean, it is better to arrive late than to arrive...
01:49Dead.
01:58His name was Hubert. 17th Earl of Lisson, to be exact.
02:04And all of this belonged to him.
02:06I thought this was a hotel.
02:16It is a hotel. You see, the Earl had problems. Financial problems.
02:20He had bad gambling debts. That's why he had to open his house up to paying guests.
02:26Oh, yes. Very nice.
02:32There's a hotel register. All the names of all the guests.
02:35Nobody leaves till you've got statements from all of them. OK?
02:40Mr and Mrs Smith.
02:43Sir Lionel Keese. Jerry Palmer.
02:46Four guests. Four potential suspects.
02:49I want you to find out what they were all doing at exactly ten past eight this evening.
02:53According to my log, they were all in the hotel, Inspector.
02:58I keep a log of all the guest movements in and out of the hotel.
03:02Oh!
03:04I can show you, if you wish.
03:06Later, perhaps.
03:14And don't forget to interview all the staff.
03:16In a case like this, everybody is a suspect.
03:19Once you've got all their statements, report back.
03:21We've booked a couple of rooms for you tonight,
03:24so you can take all the time you need.
03:28Remember, I want you to keep your wits about you.
03:32Suspect everyone,
03:35but suspect no-one.
03:50It's like Inspector Morse, isn't it?
03:53I feel like Miss Marple.
03:56You drive like Miss Marple.
04:06Who is it?
04:07Puffy, sir.
04:25Will that be all?
04:27For now.
04:31Oh, before you go, could you rustle us up some sandwiches?
04:35I mean, we've been on the road for three hours.
04:38What sort of sandwiches?
04:40Ham will do.
04:43Well, tuna, if you like.
04:46Cheese?
04:47What about cheese?
04:50He always had ham sandwiches.
04:52Who did?
04:53The master.
04:54Round about this time, too.
04:56Regular as clockwork.
04:58To now he's dead.
05:01He was a lovely man, Inspector.
05:04A lovely, sweet, kind man.
05:06All right, so he gambled a bit.
05:08There's no harm in that, is there, Inspector?
05:11And yes, he drank a lot.
05:13And when he'd had a drink, he did get a bit playful.
05:16Well, you know, violent, sir.
05:18And then there was that business with the sheep.
05:21The sheep?
05:22But for all that, he was a lovely man, Inspector.
05:25He was a lovely, lovely man.
05:32I don't suppose for a minute she'll remember me ham sandwich.
05:35He's the chef you want to speak to.
05:37The chef.
05:38The master sacked him, Inspector, two nights ago.
05:41He's working out his notice.
05:43Go and see him, Inspector.
05:45That's what you should be doing.
05:48Any chance of me sir?
05:52The chef, eh?
05:53You're not going to listen to that twittering gerbil, are you?
05:56I'll listen to no-one.
05:58And yet, I'll listen to everyone.
06:02Come on.
06:11Come on.
06:20That was just a hunch.
06:22But there's no-one in the cupboard.
06:25DOOR CREAKS
06:39Are you by any chance...
06:41the chef?
06:45You must be the detective, sir.
06:48That's smart.
06:51Is it true that two nights ago, the Earl of Lisson fired you?
06:54Oui.
06:55May we ask what he fired you for?
06:57For washing my hands.
07:01He fired you for washing your hands?
07:04In the fish soup.
07:08So, when the Earl fired you,
07:12were you angry with him?
07:15Non.
07:16Non.
07:17I was very happy.
07:19At last I would be able to get out of this pigsty.
07:22So you weren't thinking of taking...
07:25revenge?
07:26No.
07:27So where were you at ten past eight this evening?
07:29Right here.
07:30Preparing swill for the filthy Philistine Anglo-Saxon pigs
07:35that live in this place.
07:37Do you have any witnesses?
07:39Twenty thousand cockroaches.
07:43And the chambermaid.
07:45And the porter.
07:53Ask them.
07:54They will tell you for themselves.
07:56Listen.
07:57Don't you try and tell us how to do our jobs, Mr...
08:02Mr...
08:06Mister?
08:07I wouldn't want to tell two such great detectives
08:10how to do their job.
08:12Oh, clever bugger, eh?
08:13Very clever.
08:14Clever enough to know that
08:16if it had been me that murdered the Earl,
08:19you would never have found the body.
08:22That will be enough of him.
08:24And just remember
08:26that we, me and him,
08:29we listen to no one.
08:31And yet, we listen to everyone.
08:34Nous Ă©coutons tout le monde.
08:37Mais nous Ă©coutes...
08:44It's a word bomb.
08:47Nous Ă©coutons...
08:53Nous Ă©coutons...
09:03I don't think there's any danger of a ham sandwich.
09:14No!
09:20Hey, Inspector.
09:22I have something for you.
09:24About bloody time.
09:26And I asked for ham.
09:27No, no, Inspector.
09:29Something important.
09:39So who's next on the list, then?
09:41You're running around like blue-arse flies, are you?
09:43What do you mean?
09:44Well, we shouldn't be chasing people.
09:46We should be using our heads.
09:48What would Inspector Morse do?
09:51You're right.
09:52Two bites of best, please.
10:04So what about this murder, then, eh?
10:07Yeah.
10:08Terrible, isn't it?
10:11How about cutting me up some sandwiches?
10:17Will you stop going on about your belly for one minute?
10:23I mean, you've got a sharp knife, haven't you?
10:26No.
10:27No, I'm afraid we don't do sandwiches.
10:31OK.
10:33How about nuts?
10:38Salted or dry-roasted?
10:42Dry-roasted.
10:48What's he going on about nuts for?
10:51I couldn't think of anything else to say.
10:54So, any ideas who did it?
10:58Might have.
10:59Then again, we might not have.
11:04It's just like one of those Agatha Christie films, this, isn't it?
11:08Might be.
11:10Then again...
11:11In the one I saw, the inspector got all the suspects together in one room
11:16and then interrogated them one by one.
11:19Did he?
11:20Yeah.
11:22And this inspector in this film, what did he do next?
11:29Well, he eliminated the suspects one by one
11:33until he found the murderer.
11:36That's nothing like real police work, I suppose.
11:40It's all genetic fingerprinting and forensics these days, isn't it?
11:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:52Anyway, if you need a top-up, I'll be out the back.
11:55Before you go...
11:57Yeah?
11:58In this film, who did it?
12:01Who did it?
12:02Hmm?
12:03Oh! Susan Hampshire.
12:10Gathering all the suspects in one room.
12:13Honestly. Eliminating them one by one.
12:16The oh-so-fanciful world of movies, eh, Bob?
12:20They've got no idea, have they?
12:24Chambermaid.
12:26Chef.
12:27Butler.
12:28Sir.
12:29Barman.
12:30Mr and Mrs Smith.
12:36Mr and Mrs Smith.
12:38What? Oh, yes.
12:42Sir Lionel Kiss.
12:44Er, I am sorry about this, Sir Lionel,
12:47but I would like to say what a great honour it's been
12:50to be here and to meet you...
12:52You've missed one out.
12:54Jerry Palmer.
12:56I'm afraid, Inspector, there was no reply from the room.
13:02Well, go and look for him.
13:04But, Inspector, if I could have a word with you in private...
13:10Go on, chop-chop.
13:12And do try and get back here before daybreak.
13:16Oh, very well, Sir.
13:21Right.
13:23I suppose you're wondering why we gathered you all here this evening.
13:27No.
13:28No?
13:32Well, we happen to know that somebody in this room murdered the Earl of Lyssen.
13:37And we intend to find out who.
13:42So, let's start with you.
13:47Mr so-called Smith.
13:51Where were you at ten past eight this evening?
13:53Me? I was in my room.
13:55Oh, yes.
13:57And what were you doing in this so-called room of yours?
14:01Making love, Inspector.
14:04Oh, right.
14:06What about you, Mrs Smith?
14:15So, you say you were making love in your room.
14:18Do you have any witnesses?
14:19Of course not.
14:22Do you really think you can make that stand up in court?
14:33So, Sir Lionel.
14:36Exactly where were you at ten past eight this evening?
14:43Ten past eight? I have absolutely no idea.
14:46Oh.
14:48Well, I'm always pissed as a parrot by some thing.
14:53Ah, the old, I was drunk officer, I don't know what I was doing routine.
14:58Actually, Inspector, he was in the bar with me all evening.
15:02Oh, so you're in this as well, are you, Susan Hampshire?
15:09Well, I think we can safely say, Bob, that things are beginning to fall into place.
15:13Yes.
15:15It's starting to look like a very fishy murder.
15:23Yes, murder.
15:25Ugly word, isn't it?
15:28Like adultery.
15:30That's another ugly word.
15:33And here's another ugly word.
15:36Bon Jovi.
15:46Bon Jovi?
15:50Unless I'm very much mistaken, that is Mr Jerry Palmer.
15:55And it's my belief that standing behind that door is the last big piece of our jigsaw puzzle.
16:08Big piece.
16:11Big piece.
16:16I'm Jerry. Jerry Palmer.
16:21Which one of you gentlemen wants me?
16:28Two hours. Two hours, and for what?
16:31So those gendarmes can up-chat that American woman.
16:34Chat her?
16:37Whatever. Why is it Englishmen are so gauche around women?
16:41If I knew the answer to that one.
16:44Come on, Charlie, shift yourself. I'm two hours late as it is.
16:50Charlie?
16:58So this bloke was pointing a gun directly at my face.
17:02And I said to him, you must understand.
17:05I'm not afraid of death.
17:10Another drink, Jerry?
17:14I think I'll go and, you know, freshen up a little.
17:20Steady little fella, stay where you are.
17:22Don't call me little fella.
17:24I want to talk to you.
17:26Inspector! Inspector, there's been a murder!
17:29Of course there's been a bloody murder, that's why we're here.
17:32Delayed shock bump.
17:33No, there's been another murder.
17:35It's the butler.
17:37He's dead.
17:39Oh, that's all we need.
17:45To whom it may concern, I killed the Earl.
17:48I couldn't stand his drunken bullying any longer.
17:51But now I find I can't live with the guilt.
17:54And so I must end my life.
17:59Just as we thought, eh, Bob?
18:01Yeah.
18:03As soon as I sawed him.
18:05I knew.
18:06Butler always did it.
18:09So, it's another one solved, Dave.
18:14I'll just go and call the super.
18:15Hang on, hang on, hang on.
18:17OK, OK, we'll handle this if you'd like to shove off.
18:23Hey, where are you going?
18:25Found the knick.
18:26Are you mad?
18:28If they find out we've solved the case, we'll have to go home.
18:32Yeah?
18:33Think, Bob, think.
18:35We've got two rooms up there.
18:37Paid for.
18:39I suppose it would be a waste, wouldn't it?
18:41Exactly, Bob.
18:44Hang on.
18:46Hang on a minute.
18:48It's not the room that attracts you, is it?
18:50I don't know what you're talking about.
18:52No, it's not the tea and coffee making facilities
18:54and the free sewing kit that's brought this on.
18:56What's that supposed to mean?
18:58You reckon you can pull that American bird, don't you?
19:01How could you pull that American bird?
19:04You're so gauche.
19:05You do, though, don't you?
19:06That's why you want to stay, isn't it?
19:08Well, there was some talk of Jerry joining me in my room later
19:11for a little nightcap.
19:13My God, you don't hang about, do you?
19:15You shouldn't spend so much time buffing your dome.
19:23Oh, yes.
19:27This should do the trick.
19:30Yeah, and what about him?
19:37He'll keep till morning.
19:41All right, Bob, sleep tight.
19:43Good night.
19:44Come on, Bob.
19:46Not too early in the morning, eh?
19:48You're not getting to me, Dave.
19:50She's not my type.
19:52What, you mean the tall, blonde, stunning type?
19:56Yeah, you've got a point.
19:58Night-night.
19:59Enjoy your cocoa.
20:01Oh, my God.
20:20And another one.
20:21Marley, please, Marley.
20:22Can I get you back in there to the laundry?
20:31Got it.
20:42The Earls have listened 1250 to 1990.
20:48I suppose it's more interesting than cell block H.
20:56Urgh!
21:01Urgh!
21:17Accept defeat, will you?
21:19Just so happens Julio Inglésia saved your life.
21:24I'm a big boy, I can look after meself.
21:26Look at this.
21:28Yes, Bob, very interesting.
21:30Now, if you go back to your room like a good boy,
21:32I promise I'll come and read to you for five minutes.
21:34Read this.
21:35That bit at the bottom there.
21:36Look.
21:37What?
21:38The Earl of Lisson, family trait.
21:39Fabulous.
21:40The Earl of Lisson had a daughter.
21:42You were right, Bob.
21:44It was worth interrupting my vital preparations to tell me that.
21:47And this daughter married a bloke called Palmer.
21:51Oh, please, show me the wedding photos.
21:56Her real name was Geraldine.
21:58Shortened to Gerry, Gerry Palmer.
22:00Gerry Palmer is the Earl's daughter.
22:03The one and only heir to the fortune.
22:06And according to this book here,
22:08she was thrown out of Rodine for unauthorised surgery.
22:14What on?
22:15On the fourth floor.
22:17They sent her to a honey farm in America about 15 years ago.
22:21No-one's seen her since.
22:25You mean she's a nutter?
22:28I reckon she's a fully-blown female Charles Manson.
22:34She killed the Earl?
22:37And the butler?
22:40She was coming here at midnight.
22:42Eh?
22:43Yeah.
22:44She told me to wait for her.
22:46In the shower.
22:48What are we going to do?
22:50Remember our training?
22:52What did they teach us to do?
22:55You're right.
22:58What about the body in the fridge?
23:01And will you get dressed?
23:17Dave, I don't like this.
23:19I don't like this at all.
23:22Oh.
23:24She's just a woman.
23:26Just a woman.
23:27Just one woman, on her own.
23:32The knife.
23:42It's like the chef hasn't fricassed the evidence.
23:47Oh, God.
23:48I'll get the top.
23:57Oh.
23:58Oh.
23:59Oh.
24:00Okay.
24:07Now!
24:26When are you going to get a bigger car?
24:28I don't know when you've been doing this,
24:29and I bought a bloody ice cream van!
24:42Oi!
24:43Eddie!
24:44It's my turn to drive!
24:57Oh, God.
24:59I don't believe this.
25:04What are you up to?
25:05If Tia's coming, she'll know we're on to her.
25:07I'm doing me best.
25:10Oh, for God's sake.
25:11I'll have a look.
25:18Dave!
25:19What?
25:20Don't be stupid.
25:22I'm not stupid.
25:24Dave!
25:25What?
25:26Don't be too long.
25:30Try it now.
25:33Go on!
25:37Whoa!
25:40Dave!
25:41It's not dead!
25:43It's not dead.
25:44Get it started!
25:46Oh, God.
25:55It's not dead.
25:56What?
25:57But...
25:58Wait...
25:59Argh!
26:02Fuck!
26:03Idiot!
26:13You don't mind if I hold your hand, do you?
26:16You're not holding my hand.
26:31No!
26:39No!
26:47We pay £300 for two perfectly good rooms
26:51and you two choose to sleep together in a cupboard.
26:55I never thought the time would come when I'd be pleased to see you, sir.
27:01So, er...
27:02How did you get on to her, sir?
27:04It was all thanks to the butler, Brice.
27:06The butler?
27:08He had the whole thing worked out from the beginning.
27:10Called us early this evening and told us about the long-lost daughter
27:14and the inheritance.
27:16He said he would have told you two about it,
27:19but that you seemed convinced it was Susan Hampshire.
27:25Did he say anything else about her, sir?
27:28After he told me you'd done it, the line went dead.
27:31I didn't get a chance to thank him.
27:33Where is he, by the way?
27:35I'd like to shake that man by the hand.
27:44LAUGHTER
27:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
28:14MUSIC
28:44THE END