Red Dwarf - Holoship (Extended)
So so so much extended here, the longest edit so far.
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TVTranscript
00:30Oh
00:36My darling don't this isn't the time for sadness. It's a time for joy for laughter
00:42Don't you see? Well if this crazy old world frozen is now
01:00Wasn't that just beautiful Oh well recommended sir
01:05Do you think they ever get back together again?
01:13Wasn't it just wonderful though sir the way he sacrificed his career his dreams everything for the woman he loved
01:18I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery schoolgirl much. I've ever been compelled to endure
01:24I consider it an insult to my backside that was forced to sit here growing carbuncles through such putrid
01:32Adolescent slush you didn't find it uplifting it wasn't in the least bit uplifting was totally unbelievable
01:38Why would he give everything up for a woman?
01:40He's never gonna see again because she loved him and he would have that forever isn't that right sir
01:48Personally I thought it started well before the pot all the stuff with the ducks all getting into trouble that was great
01:53Then it all went black and white and I fell asleep
01:57But sir that was the cartoon before the main program
02:05Yeah
02:06You thought it was all one film sure I thought it was a chilling morality tale about how some naughty ducks got turned into a
02:12couple of wailing human beings
02:14Hang on chaps, I've got a blip
02:16Quadrant 4 sector 492. I'm on to it right away Holly those kind of films really irritate me
02:22Just not realistic
02:24There isn't a man in the universe who wouldn't have taken the job and to hell with a woman total baloney
02:29Remember you said that about King of Kings the story of Jesus
02:33Well, it's true a simple carpenter's son who learns how to do magic tricks like that and doesn't go into show business
02:40Do any of us believe that even for a second?
02:43He was supposed to be the Son of God
02:45And when he was carrying that cross up the hill any normal realistic bloke would a mule kick the guy on the left clobbered the one
02:52Over that Green Hill and far away before he could say Pontius Pilate
02:56Why do I feel that somehow you've missed the point? I mean what do you believe that stuff or not?
03:01It's about a dude who sacrifices his life for love not realistic as if
03:08No soul man, no soul sirs, I think you should take a look at this another vessel
03:14too small
03:15Maybe a missile impact in 37 seconds plotting random evasion course what am I the only sane one here?
03:22Why don't we drop the defensive shields a superlative suggestion sir with just two minor flaws one
03:29We don't have any defensive shields and two we don't have any defensive shields
03:35Now I realize that technically speaking. That's only one flaw, but I thought it was such a big one. It was worth mentioning twice
03:42Good point well made
03:45I
03:55Don't know what are you doing? It's incredible
03:58It's beautiful
04:01Registering on any scale mass velocity molecular structure all the readings are zero
04:16I'm picking up some kind of energy emission
04:22They've taken mr.. Rimmer sure they've taken mr.. Rimmer quick. Let's get out of here before they bring him back I
04:35Hope we didn't stop Nirvana Craig you touched me I can touch
04:43How is this possible this entire ship its crew and everything on it is computer-generated
04:49You're all holograms even the ship salute
04:53salute
05:00But what's your mission?
05:02Exploration we troll deep space in search of new life forms and unique physical phenomena
05:07Fascinating how big's the crew just under 2,000 all top flight personnel hmm. What a ship. What a magnificent vessel
05:16floor three one two five sports and sexual recreation
05:22Sports and what sex don't you have a sex dick on your ship? No?
05:30Well what do you do when you want to have sex well we go for runs
05:34Watch gardening programs on the ship's vid play blow football
05:41Very bad for you, don't you ever feel tense or frustrated well? It's got worse these last ten years or so. I can't deny
05:49It's quite different here in fact. It's a ship regulation that we all have sexual Congress at least twice a day
05:55It's a health rule twice a day. That's more than some people manage in a lifetime I
06:00Mean sad lonely people
06:02But but what happens if you don't have a partner?
06:05If you don't have a partner well
06:07I mean some people sad lonely people find that the people just aren't attracted to them in that kind of way
06:13I don't understand here. It is considered the height of bad manners to refuse an offer of sexual coupling
06:20well
06:22People have always complimented me on my good manners
06:25What a ship
06:28In the 25th century when scientists finally proved that all our handguts and neurosis are caused by our parents
06:34I knew it families is disastrous for your mental health so our relationships. These are outmoded concepts for us
06:42But what about love surely people still fall in love we have developed beyond love mr.
06:46Rimmer that is a short-term hormonal distraction which interferes with the pure pursuit of personal advancement
06:52We are holograms there is no risk of disease or pregnancy that is why in our society. We only believe in sex
06:59constant guilt-free
07:01sex
07:04Well Nirvana, I always say when in Rome wear a toga
07:14Take four one seven
07:16Four one seven seven senior officers quarters
07:20Come and meet the captain and at this time. We'll grab some supper and have sex
07:26That would be lovely
07:30For mr. Rimmer I fear he is in great danger
07:33I'm trying to get him to handshake, but they're not responding on any frequency
07:37Well, I say let's break out the laziness and let's get out of here
07:40I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry
07:43Frequency. Well, I say let's break out the laser cannons and give them both barrels an adroit a suggestion sir with just two minor drawbacks
07:51Okay, forget it
07:53Nothing to shoot at look at the readouts
07:55zero mass
07:57Of course a hollow ship a hollow ship. The project was in its initial phase when I left the solar system
08:04ships of no mass or volume able to travel as super light particles tachyons
08:10Through wormholes and stargates crude by holograms of great genius and bravery and they've taken rumor
08:17He should fit in just perfectly
08:19Well now I understand why they didn't bother with a handshake
08:22Hollow crews are legendarily arrogant. They despise stupidity wherever they see it and they see it everywhere. Hang on
08:29I'm getting another energy emission
08:32Thanks to enlightenment have arrived on the deadly
08:35Confirm initial speculation. There is absolutely nothing of any value or interest here
08:40It's one of the old class two ship to surface vessels the very model
08:44In fact that was withdrawn due to major flight design flaws
08:48crew three
08:51One series four thousand mechanoid almost burnt out give it maybe three years nothing of salvageable value
08:58ah
09:00Sapiens bred from the domestic house cat and about half as smart
09:05No value in future study of this species
09:08What have we here a human being or a very close approximation?
09:15Chronological age mid-20s physical age 47
09:20Grossly overweight unnecessarily ugly. Otherwise would recommend it for the museum apart from that of no value or
09:28Interest listed as a red dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smeg pot
09:36Brains in the anal region
09:39chin absent presumed missing
09:42Genitalia small and inoffensive
09:45Of no value or interest thanks to enlightenment evidence of primitive humor
09:52The human has knowledge of irony satire and imitation with patient tuition could maybe master simple tasks
10:00list that's a red dwarf
10:02displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble
10:06Seems unable to grasp simple threats with careful pummeling could possibly be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw
10:14Thanks to enlightenment the human is under the delusion that he is somehow able to bestow
10:20physical violence to a hologram
10:22an amusingly common misconception in primitive life forms
10:26list it's a red dwarf
10:29The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware that we have a rather sturdy hollow whip in the munitions cabinet
10:36Unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat
10:40You better be history in two seconds flat thanks to enlightenment recon mission complete
10:46Transmitted with speed enlightenment quickly, please
10:55I've got a wire that cigarette
10:59So what you seem to be implying mr. Navarro is that the wormhole may very well be compacted
11:06It's a remote possibility sir, but one that we should consider
11:11Ah commander any news? Yes, captain
11:14We are just getting the first stage projections on the dimension probabilities of the stargate interesting get them to stochastic diagnostics
11:22Mr. Navarro, I would like the star charts of anything with a probability over 0.5. Aye. Aye, sir
11:29Captain mr. Rimmer from the mining ship red dwarf
11:33Mr. Rimmer, oh my word. It is one of the old class one holograms. I didn't realize that you guys were still around
11:39captain air cool platini iq212
11:43number one
11:45commander natalina pushkin iq201
11:48commander randy navarro iq194
11:54The second technician arnold rimmer iq unknown
11:57Captain this is a magnificent ship. So it should be mr. Rimmer
12:01After all, it was designed to carry the hologramatic cream of the space core
12:06Every crew member is the top gun in his or her field. This is a ship. Mr. Rimmer of superhumans
12:14Which is why captain I feel I could really belong here
12:19Are you serious?
12:22Are you serious
12:25Everything I want in my life is here on this ship
12:28I want to join you. Uh, but mr. Rimmer you are not an officer
12:32Captain i've been an effective command of red dwarf now for nearly four years
12:37I've guided that ragamuffin ragtail crew of whacked out crazies and hippie peaceniks through hell and back
12:43The respect they feel for me doesn't come from badges on my chest or stripes on my sleeves
12:48It was forged in the blue fire of combat
12:51If I gave the order those guys would crawl on their bellies across broken glass with their flies unzipped
12:59So don't tell me i'm not an officer captain just because in deep space there's no academy around to award me my pips
13:05You've got to take me. Unfortunately. It's not that simple. Mr. Rimmer
13:08The enlightenment already has a full ship's compliment. The only way in is dead man's boots
13:14You'll have to challenge an existing crew member. There are tests which takes the entire vista of your intellect
13:22Oh
13:24Tests that probe every aspect of your mental capability
13:30Should you win your opponent's runtime would be terminated and their life force would be used to
13:35Generate you they would be dead. Mr. Rimmer. We are uber munch
13:41There is not a man woman or vegetable aboard this ship that would fear a challenge from you
13:46Then captain platino I issue that challenge
13:52Who will be my opponent
13:54Well, i'm sure our computer will come up with the most stimulating matchup. It has stochastic capabilities
14:01Stochastic. Hey, no kidding. It predicts the future with only a five percent error margin
14:06Simply by extrapolating the most likely outcome of all known variables. I am asking it for your best chance of success
14:14And here it is your best shot is crew member
14:184172 you have a 96 probability of failure
14:24Mr. Navarro inform 4172 of the challenge
14:28Mr. Rimmer
14:30You have 24 hours to prepare
14:43Yes
14:50Well, thank you commander for a most fascinating afternoon it's been most
14:55Fascinating perhaps if you're not in any great rush, mr. Rimmer, we could retire to my quarters and have sex for a few hours
15:02well, I
15:05Good god, is that the time?
15:07Perhaps you find me unattractive. No, no, no, no, no, no, not at all
15:10It's just that I should be getting back to thingy for it's half past already perhaps some other time. Come
15:16You need the exercise. Well, i'm not very good at this sort of thing
15:19Look, there's a table tennis table there. I haven't played that for so long
15:23That was just unbelievable
15:27It's never been like that before
15:30Was it okay
15:33It was different
15:35Different
15:37Different it had such gusto
15:43It's probably coming from a large family
15:46At meal times we had to eat as fast as possible so we could get back for seconds
15:50You make love like a japanese meal
15:54small portions of so many courses
16:01I'm not very good at this
16:03But I just want to say
16:06I think you
16:07Are the most beautiful woman i've ever seen
16:10Who didn't have staples through her stomach?
16:15Really you're gorgeous. I'm constantly fighting back the urge to fold you in thirds
16:22Oh god, what am I saying? Someone stop me, please i'm trying to say you are incredibly
16:29Incredible
16:31That is not our way
16:33We don't pay compliments
16:35This is just exercise
16:37nothing more
16:39That's all it is to me too just exercise
16:42It's just i've never worked out with such fantastic gym equipment
16:47Emotion distracts the mind from the pursuit of intellectual excellence. We must dress and go now
16:57Look nirvana what i'm trying to say is please don't say anything
17:01I hope you didn't get me wrong just then that meant nothing to me truly less than nothing really good
17:09We may as well have been playing tennis as it should be I uh, don't suppose you fancy a tie break
17:17I'm, sorry
17:19I've got things I should do
17:23You know
17:25We usually talk
17:27What do you talk about? Oh
17:30research
17:31new theories
17:32mission profiles
17:34I'm, sorry. I must have seemed very ignorant. I hardly said anything apart from geronimo
17:43Thank you for the workout
17:51And thank you for what must rate as the weirdest afternoon of my life good luck with the challenge
17:59Thank you
18:06Dress transmit
18:13Privacy off
18:15Commander some amusing news stocky has chosen you to meet our guests challenge
18:20me
18:22Obviously, it's ludicrous
18:24But I do have to warn you officially that should you lose this challenge you will relinquish your hologrammatic status and be terminated
18:30You have 24 hours to prepare
18:36Well, this is wonderful news sir, but if I might interject a note of caution perhaps it's a little premature to get too excited
18:43After all your challenger will be a mental giant a classifiable genius and therefore it is just possible that you may lose
18:51may lose
18:53I can get real man. You've got about as much chance as as a lillette and an elephant
19:00I'm gonna cheat
19:02You you can't sir. It's a battle of wits your mind against his i'm not going to use my mind
19:07I'm going to use someone else's chriton. You're always saying how human beings only use five percent of their brains capacity
19:13Sometimes a good deal less sir
19:15Well that leaves 95 left doing nothing
19:18Now look most of the ship's crew are stored in the hologram library
19:21What you're suggesting is immoral and illegal mind patching is outlawed, but it is possible possible
19:28But highly dangerous these side effects can be devastating. You could be reduced to a gibbering simpleton
19:34reduced
19:37I don't care. I'm prepared to take the chance even if it costs you your mind. It's a small price to pay
19:42Hey
19:44Look on that ship I can touch I can feel I can taste i'm not a half man anymore with them. I'm whole again
19:50Remember that a bunch of arrogant
19:52pompous
19:54Emotionally weird stuck up megalomaniacs. Do you think you're gonna fit in with them?
19:59What am I saying bon voyage?
20:01Please right sir. Why do you want to throw in with people like that?
20:05Because I want to be somebody I want to have a position of authority on a scout ship exploring uncharted space
20:10Work alongside educated men and women officers people who count
20:16Lister, this is my one chance to seize my dream to be with the winners
20:21Look at me. What do you see?
20:23Tell me
20:24You see a sad and lonely guy
20:27A guy who left home at 16 to become an officer and a gentleman and ended up as a chicken soup machine operative
20:33Is it any wonder my father had four strokes? Is it any wonder he used to sit by the window and dribble?
20:39I did that to him me. Look there's nothing wrong with what you did
20:44It's just a job
20:45Have you ever seen a movie about a guy on a job like that?
20:48Have you ever seen an adventure film about a guy who unclogs vending machines?
20:52Did they ever make the film a chicken soup machine operative of the gentleman?
20:57No, they didn't and you know why because chicken soup machine operatives are losers and that is what I am
21:03It's just your job. You are your job
21:07Not so sir now was albert camus a goalkeeper or a philosopher was albert einstein a clerk in a patent office
21:14Or the greatest physicist who ever lived and of course
21:17There's the oft-told tale of the simple carpenter's son who went on to own the largest chain of pizza stores in history harry beetlebaum
21:26Frightened albert einstein didn't spend the best years of his life picking out lumps of desiccated poultry from the end of his nozzle cleaner
21:32That doesn't make you a failure
21:35It does in my parents eyes it does in my brother's eyes it does in the eyes of everyone with eyes
21:42That's exactly what it makes me sir
21:44I beg you to reconsider if not for your sanity you haven't even considered the moral implications of your decision
21:50I mean you will be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with beautiful brilliant women twice daily on demand
21:59now
21:59Am I really the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky?
22:05Ha ha ha
22:07Well quite clearly I am
22:12Sir i've uploaded the two candidates to be inserted into your mind a science officer buckin excellent scientific background
22:20169 iq and flight coordinator mcqueen superlative mathematician
22:25172 iq now even taking into account the enormous drag factor of your own mind
22:31I still think we'll come up with something pretty special
22:35But I will still have control you will have access to their knowledge, but your personality will have the power of veto
22:41But sir, I implore you to reconsider if not for yourself then for the poor officer whose life you will take
22:46Wasn't it saint francis of assisi himself who said never give a sucker an even break?
22:52Well, if he did sir, it was strictly off the record
22:55Come on, get on with it
22:58commencing download
23:00In many ways this is goodbye to arnold rimmer once the minds are enmeshed there's no known way of extricating them
23:07Effectively, this is your funeral the personality. We know as arnold j. Rimmer will cease to be
23:14And you know what? I say creighton
23:16Good riddance to the useless bastard
23:21Commencing integration glory or insanity awaits
23:26You
23:29He's read every book in the medical lab in under three hours the change is quite astonishing
23:35But sir, I feel I should warn you. This is not the pile of human wreckage. We know as arnold rimmer
23:41prepare yourself
23:46Sir we've received the coordinates perhaps we should be making tracks
23:51Cry 10
23:53Just thinking assuming of course
23:55We're not dealing with five-dimensional objects in a basically euclidean geometric universe and given the essential premise that all
24:00Geomathematics is based on the hideously limiting notion that one plus one equals two
24:03And not as us demeyer correctly postulates at one and two and in fact the same thing observed from different presets
24:09The geometrical shapes described by siddis must therefore be a polydried doc deca we had ron a hexasex a hetero adik on the die by dolly
24:15he decadode ron
24:18Everything else is bottled up. Isn't that so?
24:21Really? Yes, indeed. It is. I or since you colloquially preferred the accusative the nominative it is indeed me
24:28Sir we really should be we we don't want to miss the uh, the connection
24:32nonsense
24:33Even by the most circuitous route brisk perambulation should achieve our objective in 5.37 seconds
24:39vocal exercise prepares the mind
24:41Here
24:46I wrote a palindromic haiku this morning. Perhaps you'd like to hear it. I'm afraid we don't speak japanese, sir
24:51I could translate it into mandarin for you. Remember we don't speak japanese. We don't speak mandarin and we don't speak satsuma
24:59He is really beginning to get on my pecs you must remember sir that he's operating on a completely different level to us now
25:05To him we are the intellectual equivalent of domestic science teachers
25:10Subject ready for transfer
25:13Farewell, gentlemen. Glory awaits
25:19Attention candidates to preserve the pure intellectual nature of this challenge
25:23You will remain in separate suites
25:25The questions will come through your headphones in a variety of different languages to confuse and disorient you
25:29There will be a total of 200 000 questions in this initial session
25:33After you've completed the tasks at workstation a you may proceed to workstation b
25:38I shall undertake both tasks simultaneously if it's all the same to you. Mr. Rimmer, that is impossible. Nevertheless. I shall attempt it
25:46It begins
26:08So
26:21Brighton, where is he?
26:22Hello, holly. How are you? Fine. Thanks. Arnold. You haven't seen chriton. Have you? Yes, I have actually is in the sleeping quarters
26:31Thanks a lot hulk not at all on see you. Bye. What a charming man
26:38Um
26:39Exactly what we're looking for. Are there any questions that you'd like to ask us?
26:43I just want to get one thing clear in my mind
26:46This is an opportunity to be revived as a hologram and become a part of the crew
26:51And the crew is you three
26:54Basically you spend your time salvaging derelict spaceships playing poker and eating curries
27:00We don't do that much salvaging, but you do sound like you eat a lot of curries
27:05Well, we don't eat curry every night if that's what you think in fact, I remember quite clearly last june, uh, mr
27:11Lister had a pizza
27:13You remember? Yeah, and you didn't like it, but then I poured curry sauce all over it and he just yummed it up
27:20And the all night poker sessions. Is it always strip poke?
27:24It depends on how drunk we are or how much curry he's had
27:27So
27:29And this probably sounds like a stupid question. You don't really have much interest in horse riding or ballet
27:35It's fine by us as long as we can have a curry afterwards. We're cool
27:39But of course, there's one or two people that we have to see but in theory if we offered you the post of replacement hologram
27:45Would you accept?
27:47No, no
27:48No, I think um, i'm better off where I am, but you did
27:53And meeting you guys has really made me appreciated a whole lot more
27:58Well, thank you very much
27:59Ms. Harrison. Thank you. Thank you very much next
28:03Uploading the next candidate. Oh, so is any kind of favorite emerging?
28:07Oh, there's a certain pattern emerging which is hard to ignore. He's right, sir
28:11All the candidates who could loosely be described as desirable either make weak excuses or say no
28:16In fact so far we've only had one acceptance and that was from your hologram, sir
28:21Yeah, well two of me maybe wouldn't be so terrible. I think we can do better
28:25What's wrong with having two of me? Well first this addressed the problem of what's wrong with having one of you
28:30next candidate
28:32Sergeant sam murray. Ah
28:34Sam now as folly will have taken my own minds come back. You've got to help me
28:38What what happened exactly was it a slow deterioration in your own intelligence or did it happen in seconds seconds?
28:44I'm in the middle of the assessment. You've got to give me another mind patch pronto. I'm, sorry, sir
28:47It's classic rejection syndrome. Once the minds are unmeshed. There is nothing we can do. What are you talking about?
28:53Well, you just don't have the sort of brain that can accept an implant, sir
28:58No
29:00I'm, sorry, sir. There must be something you can do. I'm afraid not but i'm winning i'm so close
29:05Who's this?
29:07I'm, not even gone and you're choosing my replacement. We thought you weren't coming back
29:12Well, you should have known better. Shouldn't you you actually expect something to go right for me?
29:16Arnold schmucko rimma
29:19Toss pot by royal appointment
29:23Where are you going, sir?
29:27I'm gonna withdraw
29:33I hear you're doing really well in the assessment
29:38Well, listen if you make it through maybe you'd like to have sex sometime next week i'm free wednesday morning
29:45I'm, sorry. I'm busy wednesday. I'm killing myself
29:49Floor 6120 botanical gardens
29:55Arnie where have you been?
29:58To hell and back
30:00I've withdrawn from the challenge, but you're winning. I was using a mind patch a mind patch. Are you insane?
30:07I would have done anything to get on this ship
30:09To get a post on this vessel
30:11I would have happily tap danced the title song to 42nd street barefoot on a bed of molten lava while
30:16Simultaneously giving oral sex to a male orangutan with dubious personal hygiene
30:21Why do you want it so badly?
30:23Every time I look in the mirror I see this
30:27Only to me it doesn't mean hologram. It means half wit
30:31hopeless
30:32hideous failure
30:34This was a chance to be somebody somebody I liked i've never met anyone like you before everyone says that listen to me, mister
30:43Underneath all that neurotic mess is someone nice trying to get out
30:47Someone who deserves a chance to grow
30:49So you won't give up
30:51Okay
30:53Okay
30:54I cheated
30:56You're going to win arnie
30:58You're going to get your dream
31:00I promise you
31:02You really think
31:09I really think
31:25I won
31:26What?
31:27My opponent withdrew
31:29I won
31:30I'm an officer
31:31I leave tonight
31:36Look i'm not much good at big speeches
31:39And I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with
31:43And I know that given the choice. I probably wouldn't have chosen you as friends
31:48But I just want to say that over the years
31:52I have come to regard you
31:55as
31:57people
31:58I met
32:00I think I just better go. Okay. See you soon again transfer transfer
32:15Here are your quarters, mr. Rimmer
32:18There must be some mistake these are commander crane's quarters. Oh, didn't you know she was your opponent
32:30Sir
32:34Navigation officer rimmer reporting sir arnold welcome aboard. I trust everything's to your permission to speak sir
32:42I wish to resign my commission, sir
32:45resign
32:47Uh, may I ask your reasoning, please?
32:50Flight commander crane has taken leave of her senses and fallen in love with me sir love
32:54Surely not commander crane is far too intellectually advanced to submit to a mere short-term hormonal imbalance
33:01That's why she withdrew from the challenge and allowed me to win sir. Mr
33:04Rimmer what you are suggesting is that somehow she cared more for your happiness than she did for her own life
33:10Am I?
33:11Yes, sir. I suppose I am sir
33:13And now you are doing something equally unfathomable resigning so that she can be reinstated
33:17Even though here you could have everything a position of command
33:21an effective physical presence everything
33:24Perhaps you'd be kind enough to pass this note on to her, sir
33:27I understand your gesture, but really your resignation solves nothing after all the two of you will still be
33:33apart
33:34Permission to return to red dwarf, sir
33:44Oh and sir, you're wrong we won't be apart we just won't be together
33:54I cannot believe I just said that
34:24Oh
34:54So
35:03Well now I understand why they oh, well i've just forgotten what I understood there