Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Thank you for watching!
00:00:30To be continued...
00:01:00Music playing
00:01:27So, as you ladies can see,
00:01:31by dating a guy like Johnny Football over there,
00:01:34you stand to lose $1,900 a year.
00:01:41Now I don't know about you, but I don't want to lose $1,900.
00:01:46And I know he seems cool now,
00:01:49but in like six months, I guarantee you
00:01:51he's going to be sucking some guy's dick for money.
00:01:55I mean, I'm just saying, dating a guy like me,
00:02:00the potential return on that investment?
00:02:04Strong.
00:02:09Wow.
00:02:12I'm just, I'm just going to go grab a drink or something.
00:02:24Music playing
00:02:49Oh my God, Miss Hanks.
00:02:53You tease.
00:02:58AJ, Operation Johnson County underway.
00:03:01I repeat, Operation Johnson County underway.
00:03:05Do you read me?
00:03:12What are you doing? AJ?
00:03:19That looks like the worst Christmas ever.
00:03:22Is that what you people do in India?
00:03:24Dude, I was adopted.
00:03:26By the way, I've been meaning to ask you,
00:03:27how fucking old are you?
00:03:2918, listen up.
00:03:31Now given the configuration of these numbers there,
00:03:33theoretically, how long would it take to hold your breath
00:03:37at the bottom of a ball pit?
00:03:39Wait, you mean like Chuck E. Cheese?
00:03:41That place is for babies. What are you doing there?
00:03:46Oh, sweet bleeding Jesus.
00:03:48I ask myself that every single day,
00:03:49but that's another question, other issues.
00:03:51Anyway, I want to let you know about something called SUMMER.
00:03:54And I know you all want to get the hell out of here,
00:03:55I can see it in your eyes.
00:03:56But SUMMER stands for tanning and building up your body.
00:03:59This is something that I know something about.
00:04:01It takes discipline.
00:04:03So please, send me pictures.
00:04:05Lots and lots and lots of pictures.
00:04:07I need to monitor and track your progress.
00:04:09I'm sure you all understand.
00:04:11And I'll give you an example.
00:04:13Last summer, I helped Johnny here,
00:04:19very nice, gain 15 lean pounds.
00:04:23Johnny was 16 last year.
00:04:25Pretty sure that's creepy and illegal.
00:04:29All right, soldier, you stow that right now.
00:04:31That was last year, okay?
00:04:33Now since that time, I bought a DeLorean
00:04:34and at 88 miles per hour,
00:04:35I can drive your ass to your 18th birthday.
00:04:38Is that clear?
00:04:41Yes.
00:04:44Can I use the bathroom?
00:04:45You may, but be careful of those hidden cameras.
00:04:47What?
00:04:48Never mind, go out.
00:04:49You have no sense of humor, you children.
00:04:51What is happening with you today?
00:04:54What the hell were you doing?
00:04:55I told you to use the walk-in.
00:04:56Oh yeah, I think it was off or something.
00:04:58Were you in there doing one of your gay drawings again?
00:05:01Danny, I'm just nervous about this whole situation, man.
00:05:06All right, are you in the game or not?
00:05:09Yeah, fuck it, I'm in.
00:05:12All right, this is going to be epic.
00:05:15Since it is the end of the year,
00:05:16I want to give you a little bit of magic
00:05:18from our friend Galileo.
00:05:19He said that age is but a number,
00:05:21and numbers can be manipulated.
00:05:26Everyone exit please in a orderly fashion.
00:05:46All right.
00:05:58Let's roll!
00:06:02What the fuck?
00:06:10I'm going to buttfuck you with discipline.
00:06:19Listen guys, I know it's the last day and all,
00:06:21but you really did it this time.
00:06:23Imagine all the work you made for our poor janitor.
00:06:26Look, honestly, I'm not even that mad.
00:06:30What about all the dildos?
00:06:32Take those home with me.
00:06:33I have a family reunion coming up,
00:06:35so don't feel like tax forms or anything.
00:06:38Seriously, cut the shit, both of you.
00:06:44Morning.
00:06:45Morning.
00:06:47You called the cops on us?
00:06:49Look, you're going to find out anyway,
00:06:51but Chrissy Morgan was kidnapped
00:06:54on our way to school this morning.
00:06:56There's been others.
00:06:58Damn, how many girls are missing?
00:07:01Chrissy is the third.
00:07:03Hey, I like you guys,
00:07:04and if it was up to me, I'd look the other way.
00:07:06But unfortunately it's not.
00:07:08It's up to him.
00:07:11Let's go.
00:07:12Time to see the big man.
00:07:15I'll save you some dildos.
00:07:23Dick puppets.
00:07:25Dick puppets hanging from the ceiling?
00:07:28Are you serious?
00:07:30What in the hell were you thinking?
00:07:33Welcome to Johnson County, sir.
00:07:35Johnson County.
00:07:36I'm going to take that as a thinly veiled reference to a cock.
00:07:40A peepee.
00:07:41A dick.
00:07:43A peter.
00:07:45A cornhole impaler.
00:07:47A cervix crusher.
00:07:50100%.
00:07:54All-meat thermometer.
00:08:00Woo-hoo, Dilly.
00:08:03I got to know which one of you guys came up with this idea.
00:08:05Listen, I'm going to tell you something.
00:08:06This thing went down a little girl's throat today.
00:08:08Do you understand me?
00:08:09It went deep, deep, deep, deep into her throat.
00:08:16Would you like me to demonstrate
00:08:18this tonsil tickler going down that little girl's throat?
00:08:23Not if you're doing the reenactment,
00:08:25but I wouldn't mind seeing her swallow.
00:08:27That's real funny.
00:08:30I am here working my ass off,
00:08:33trying to form these little girls, these little boys,
00:08:39into the future citizens of the United States of America.
00:08:43God bless the USA.
00:08:46I got to figure out something.
00:08:48One of you guys did this.
00:08:49One of you, it was your idea.
00:08:50Was it you, white boy, little Caucasian boy?
00:08:52Was it you? Was it you, Indian boy?
00:08:55Fucking Indians.
00:08:57Sir, he's not that kind of Indian.
00:08:59What?
00:09:00Sir, he's not that kind of Indian.
00:09:01He's not?
00:09:04I apologize.
00:09:06I, I, I, Habib, I absolutely apologize
00:09:09from the depth of my heart.
00:09:10I did not mean to offend you.
00:09:12You're not that kind of an Indian.
00:09:14Sir, I don't understand.
00:09:16You are the kind of Indian that talk like this?
00:09:19You are the kind of Indian
00:09:20when I need my computer fixed.
00:09:22They route me over to the dot heads over there in India
00:09:25if they can pull themselves away from the cobras
00:09:28in the wicker baskets.
00:09:29Playing a skin flute drives those damn snakes crazy.
00:09:35So while you are traversing the universe
00:09:38on a magic carpet ride,
00:09:40your people are raising world oil prices everywhere.
00:09:44You know I bought gasoline yesterday?
00:09:46$5 a gallon.
00:09:48He does get crazy sometimes, sir.
00:09:50I mean, just, here.
00:09:52Just look at this.
00:09:54Danny, what the fuck, man?
00:09:58Good God, young man.
00:10:00There is a cultural gap here
00:10:02that definitely needs to be filled.
00:10:08I agree completely, sir.
00:10:10But to be fair,
00:10:11his village was destroyed by an elephant stampede.
00:10:14What?
00:10:15No.
00:10:19The bad news is,
00:10:20you boys are failing your classes for this semester.
00:10:25Then we can't graduate.
00:10:26No fucking shit.
00:10:29So...
00:10:30What's more, I'm going to make you pay back the school
00:10:32for the damages that you've done.
00:10:34So basically what you're saying
00:10:37is that we're fucked.
00:10:40Let me process what you just said.
00:10:42Basically what you're saying is we're fucked.
00:10:45Yes.
00:10:46Excuse me, sir.
00:10:47What?
00:10:48I just had an interesting idea.
00:10:51What's that?
00:10:52Remember that little thing we discussed?
00:10:56Oh, yeah.
00:10:58Yeah, yeah.
00:11:00Yeah?
00:11:01I remember that, yeah.
00:11:02This may be a very opportune time to give it a test run.
00:11:06I think you're right.
00:11:08Yeah, I like that.
00:11:16A test run.
00:11:18Opportune.
00:11:20I like opportune test runs.
00:11:24I'm going to give them back to you when I'm done.
00:11:27Thank you, Vice Principal Cho-Chok-Chok-Chok-Chok-Chok-Chok-Chok...
00:11:31Chok-Chi.
00:11:33Yeah.
00:11:37I'm very lonely.
00:11:46The walls are talking to me.
00:11:49What do they say?
00:11:51Mostly about my mother's infidelities.
00:11:54She had no idea, bless her heart.
00:11:59She thought black men tasted like chocolate.
00:12:05One day she comes home with a little something-something coming out of the corners of her mouth.
00:12:09I said, Mama, what is that something-something coming out of the corners of your mouth?
00:12:14She said, I just ate a fudgsicle.
00:12:15She could not stay away from the black anacondra snake.
00:12:24I should have known.
00:12:26When she'd tuck me in bed at night, she'd kiss me on the cheek, and she'd grab my hoo-hoo
00:12:34and she'd whisper to me, she'd go, good night, Russell, my love, Muscle.
00:12:49Okay, well, we got to go home and do that thing where we tell our parents what we did.
00:12:56Yeah, I don't want to go unpunished for this.
00:12:58I'm already getting the urge to do, um, uh, marijuana.
00:13:01Oh, I see.
00:13:03All right, okay.
00:13:04Yeah, you guys better run, because your lives are in danger.
00:13:10Yeah, no, no, no.
00:13:11I love what you did last night.
00:13:12Yeah, I'll be there at six.
00:13:14Yeah, wear that dress again.
00:13:15I'll call you back.
00:13:16Hey, boys, hold up.
00:13:18Listen, we have an experimental mentorship program.
00:13:22We pair you with a mentor, and you work all summer.
00:13:25That's it.
00:13:26And you still graduate.
00:13:28Wow.
00:13:29Sick.
00:13:31You in?
00:13:32Yeah, that sounds great.
00:13:33Awesome.
00:13:34I'll call your mom later to fill her in.
00:13:35And boys, please don't screw up your youth like I did.
00:13:38What did you do?
00:13:40I had some interesting experiences on a certain famous TV show with Carmen Electra and Pamela Anderson.
00:13:48It was some crazy shit.
00:13:50Crazy.
00:13:51Come on, get out of here.
00:13:52Get out of here.
00:13:53Fist bump it.
00:13:54Boom, blow it up.
00:13:55Boom.
00:13:58You there?
00:13:59Yeah.
00:14:00Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:14:01Okay.
00:14:06I am old money.
00:14:11I am old money.
00:14:12I own many horses.
00:14:13I own many horses.
00:14:15The cobbler will know my name, and he will look me in the eyes.
00:14:17Cobbler.
00:14:18When he repairs my shoes.
00:14:20He will look me in the eyes.
00:14:24Repairs my shoes.
00:14:25The cobbler will know my name, and he will look me in the eyes.
00:14:28Cobbler.
00:14:30When he repairs my shoes.
00:14:32He will look me in the eyes.
00:14:35Repairs my shoes.
00:14:39I am old money.
00:14:49I think...
00:14:50I think I might love you.
00:14:56Agent, let's go.
00:14:58Oh, fuck, man.
00:15:00I was about to score in my dream, and you ruined it.
00:15:03What did she look like?
00:15:04Let me guess.
00:15:06You're the kind of guy that likes small tits.
00:15:08I don't know.
00:15:10What do you mean you don't know?
00:15:12Danny, AJ.
00:15:14Boys, out there, now.
00:15:28In your face, bitch!
00:15:50What the hell were you two thinking?
00:15:54Nothing.
00:15:56None of my dildos better be missing.
00:15:58I'll tell you that much.
00:16:00Oh, well, honey, I checked.
00:16:02Ours are still here.
00:16:04Well, that's one good piece of news.
00:16:07I always knew you'd be a loser.
00:16:10Why is Ross here?
00:16:12Shouldn't you be serving diarrhea at Captain Fish?
00:16:15I'm the second shift assistant manager.
00:16:17I don't serve.
00:16:18But you got served when I tackled your ass in the driveway before, bitch.
00:16:22You got me from behind, and I wasn't even looking.
00:16:26That's not the only thing you get from behind now, is it?
00:16:29What the fuck are you talking about?
00:16:31Ross is here to help us figure out what to do with you two.
00:16:34That's right, Danny.
00:16:36Me, you, living room.
00:16:38Now, let's go. Get up.
00:16:44See, AJ? That's what a brother's supposed to do.
00:16:47All right, you little fucker. Anybody know?
00:16:49Nobody knows.
00:16:51What about your turban-wearing brother, AJ?
00:16:53What does he know?
00:16:55Once your dad finds out, I'll let you dig out all those dildos
00:16:57from the dumpster behind the Glory Hall porn shop.
00:16:59Not only are you a fucking dead man,
00:17:01but you kiss all those Captain Fish's free cod sandwiches goodbye.
00:17:04You can't take away my cod sandwiches.
00:17:06I'm not even rich yet.
00:17:08I'm living cod platter to cod platter.
00:17:10It really warms the heart to see how much Ross loves Danny.
00:17:12Yeah, that's what I call brotherly love.
00:17:15Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
00:17:18Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime.
00:17:21You don't even catch fish.
00:17:24AJ, where did you get all those dildos?
00:17:26They were in the freezer.
00:17:28There are no free lunches.
00:17:30You should know that already, Mr. Businessman.
00:17:32Now hug me. They're watching. Hug me right now.
00:17:37AJ, where did you get all those dildos?
00:17:40Oh, um, a friend.
00:17:42It was a girl. A girl.
00:17:44Well, you know, Danny is always talking about penny stocks.
00:17:46Maybe he sold off a few to buy them.
00:17:48Amazing. He's our little entrepreneur.
00:17:50Those two really love each other.
00:17:52Yeah, two future power players
00:17:54in the midst of a sibling love embrace.
00:17:56When I get rich,
00:17:58I'm gonna buy all the Captain Fishes in the world
00:18:00and fucking fire you.
00:18:02Now that just sounds fiscally irresponsible.
00:18:04Besides,
00:18:06you don't have the skill or the capital
00:18:08to ever make that happen.
00:18:10You're a stupid little virgin
00:18:12and that's all you'll ever be.
00:18:14Looks like you two had a great talk.
00:18:16I hope you learned something.
00:18:18I did, Mom.
00:18:20Very good. Very good.
00:18:22Don't worry, Mom. Don't worry, Dad.
00:18:24I straightened him out.
00:18:26He's gonna be a good little boy,
00:18:28aren't you, Danny?
00:18:34God damn it!
00:18:36There's an overturned shrimp truck on the highway.
00:18:38I gotta jet.
00:18:40Thanks, Ross.
00:18:43You're a good man.
00:18:45You're a good man.
00:18:47Love you. Bye.
00:18:49Vice Principal Cho...
00:18:51Cho...
00:18:53Chokachi.
00:18:55Tells me you two have been assigned a mentor.
00:18:57You can mentor these nuts.
00:18:59Maybe those nuts need to be mentored, young man.
00:19:01I wrote down the address.
00:19:03It's close by,
00:19:05someplace called Fatty's.
00:19:07Your mentor's name is Mr. Tyler Levy.
00:19:09This is one fucking hell of a salad, hon.
00:19:11Thanks, honey.
00:19:13It's fucking great.
00:19:15You guys fucking think it's fucking great?
00:19:17This is fucking great.
00:19:39Yeah?
00:19:41Hi, uh, we're looking for Tyler Lavery?
00:19:43Lavery?
00:19:45Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
00:19:47No, no, Levy, Levy.
00:19:49Yeah, Levy.
00:19:51Levy! Select Levy. Yeah, Levy.
00:19:53Yeah, get in here.
00:19:55You guys fucking muppet babies?
00:19:57Get in here.
00:20:01Oh!
00:20:03Gotta pee the mirror.
00:20:06Oh!
00:20:08Dude, what the fuck?
00:20:10Oh!
00:20:12Boulder dash. Let's go.
00:20:16Dude, it smells weird.
00:20:20They're here for you.
00:20:28Sit the fuck down.
00:20:32Listen,
00:20:34I thought this would be a cool thing,
00:20:36this high school mentorship program.
00:20:38You know, a good PR move for my club.
00:20:40But I don't want to hang out with you two losers.
00:20:42Look, sir, my name is AJ.
00:20:44This is my brother Dave.
00:20:46I don't care who you are.
00:20:48You know what?
00:20:50I'm going to call Vice Principal Chokachi
00:20:52and tell him I'm not cool with this whole thing.
00:20:54Look, wait.
00:20:56Look, I'm a strong guy.
00:20:58You're obviously a strong guy.
00:21:00Are you hitting on me, you little squirt?
00:21:02Hmm.
00:21:04You want to do some stuff around the bar?
00:21:06I don't think so.
00:21:08My bar has a certain clientele.
00:21:10Very exceptional people come in here.
00:21:12I don't want them to see me with you two losers.
00:21:16Wait.
00:21:18Look, Tyler, Mr. Lavi,
00:21:20if you don't let us do this,
00:21:22Principal Hanks is going to have us by the balls.
00:21:24That man keeps Vaseline
00:21:26and anal beads in his front desk.
00:21:28He will do unspeakable things
00:21:31to your balls and rectum.
00:21:33That's fucking gross.
00:21:35You know what?
00:21:37I guess I get it.
00:21:39I'm going to put together a little mission list.
00:21:41Things you have to do.
00:21:43Complete the list,
00:21:45and I'll keep you guys around.
00:21:49Mr. Lavi, are you okay?
00:21:51God.
00:21:53Yeah, sometimes you have to
00:21:55feed the seed to the birdies.
00:21:59I'm really fucking busy, as you guys can tell.
00:22:01So here's what I'm going to do.
00:22:03I'm going to text the two of you guys tomorrow
00:22:05with the first mission.
00:22:07And it's going to be
00:22:09a fucking adventure, boys.
00:22:11So be ready.
00:22:14Uh,
00:22:16we're supposed to help clean up the halls?
00:22:18Enter,
00:22:20if you dare.
00:22:24Ladies, pull up a toilet.
00:22:26I just did.
00:22:28We're here to clean up the, uh,
00:22:30dildo.
00:22:32Dildo.
00:22:34Dildo.
00:22:36Dildo.
00:22:38Dildo.
00:22:40Dildo.
00:22:42Dildo.
00:22:44Dick situation you got going on there?
00:22:48Let me just ask, um,
00:22:50who flooded my halls with, uh, rubber penises?
00:22:52That was me.
00:22:54In all my years
00:22:56working at this shit hole,
00:22:58I laughed my ass off.
00:23:00That was pretty amazing.
00:23:021,500 rubber penises in the hallway.
00:23:04I mean, I've cleaned up, like, 100.
00:23:06But, uh, 1,500
00:23:08has, like,
00:23:10a party at Elton John's house.
00:23:12Wow.
00:23:18Anyway,
00:23:20do you want to play on the whistle?
00:23:22Yes, the magic whistle.
00:23:24The blizzard whistle.
00:23:26Very nice.
00:23:28Very nice.
00:23:34Holy shit, man.
00:23:36Wow.
00:23:39Whatever happened was cleaning up the halls.
00:23:41Oh, bros.
00:23:43I took care of it, man.
00:23:45All right? Life is tough.
00:23:47I didn't want you guys to get
00:23:49fucked over, man. I mean, look at me.
00:23:51I'm a janitor. I'm smoking weed
00:23:53on a toilet.
00:23:55I mean, I'm 19 years old.
00:23:57Look how hard
00:23:59life is.
00:24:01I know it's funny to you, but
00:24:03it's tough, man.
00:24:05So consider me your life guru.
00:24:07All right?
00:24:09And the purveyor of the best whistle weed
00:24:11in Switzerland.
00:24:13Sweet. I'm Danny. AJ.
00:24:15What's up?
00:24:17Whatever.
00:24:19I'm, uh, Waken. Waken Bacon.
00:24:21Your legal name
00:24:23is Waken Bacon?
00:24:25There's no fucking way.
00:24:27Yeah. My parents did a lot of drugs.
00:24:29Yeah. Waken Bacon, man.
00:24:31Wake up and toke right off my mom's vag.
00:24:33Yeah, my brother lucked out.
00:24:36His legal name was Turkey. Turkey Bacon.
00:24:38And he changed to Kevin.
00:24:40Became an actor. Have you seen, like,
00:24:42the movie Tremors?
00:24:44Hold on. Your brother's
00:24:46with Kevin Bacon?
00:24:48Yeah. I'm his younger brother. The Kevin Bacon?
00:24:50No.
00:24:52The other Kevin Bacon. The fuck?
00:24:54There's only one Kevin Bacon. Jesus Christ.
00:24:56But yeah. I'm his younger bro, man.
00:24:58We used to be really tight,
00:25:00and then I went on a set of Footloose.
00:25:02And John Lithgow was
00:25:04taking a nap on set, and I farted in his mouth.
00:25:06And, uh, nobody thought that was
00:25:08very funny. Especially Lithgow.
00:25:10He had really bad breath after that.
00:25:12And ruined a couple scenes.
00:25:14But, anyway. Long story short.
00:25:16You wanna buy some weed?
00:25:20Yeah. Sure.
00:25:22Right. Cool. Want me to do a whistle?
00:25:24Give me my fucking whistle back, man.
00:25:26He's psychotic. Alright, alright.
00:25:28Hold on. I'm taking a shit.
00:25:34Alright. Take out his text again.
00:25:36Alright.
00:25:38Remember what Tyler said.
00:25:40I gotta film you picking up a random girl.
00:25:42No dating sex.
00:25:44That girl over there?
00:25:46She looks beautiful.
00:25:48I bet her personality's even better.
00:25:50Okay.
00:25:52Am I good?
00:25:54You're sick.
00:25:56You're sick.
00:25:58You're sick.
00:26:00You're sick.
00:26:02Am I good?
00:26:04You're sick.
00:26:06Alright, alright.
00:26:08Strong.
00:26:12Ring, ring.
00:26:14Hello?
00:26:22Alright, I'll tell her.
00:26:24Um, your parents just called
00:26:26and they want to be on my bedroom floor.
00:26:29Really?
00:26:31Yeah, it just rang and I answered it
00:26:33and I'm just delivering the message.
00:26:37Thanks.
00:26:45Oh, shit.
00:26:53This place is dry.
00:26:55Come on.
00:26:57Hold on.
00:26:59That fucking girl's just hot.
00:27:01I don't know, man. She looks like a slut.
00:27:03Exactly.
00:27:05Go over there and make some, like, witty joke or something.
00:27:09Just tell him to leave me alone.
00:27:11This is ridiculous.
00:27:15Okay.
00:27:17Hi, uh...
00:27:19You wanna, um...
00:27:23You wanna go to the lumberyard with me?
00:27:26Looks like you could use some wood.
00:27:28Jerk.
00:27:30Asshole.
00:27:32Oh, look who's a pussy now.
00:27:48You know, if you have sex with a handicapped guy,
00:27:50you go directly to heaven.
00:27:52What?
00:27:54Well, I guess you could go to hell.
00:28:08My God, I'm saved.
00:28:24Dude.
00:28:26Check that thing out.
00:28:28What if someone sees?
00:28:30Dude.
00:28:32I have cane.
00:28:34I'm not gonna get arrested.
00:28:44Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
00:28:46No, don't worry about it.
00:28:48It's fine.
00:28:50Well, well, well.
00:28:52What do we have here?
00:28:56Um...
00:29:00You know, normally, I'd arrest someone
00:29:02for smoking marijuana out in public like this,
00:29:04but, uh...
00:29:06Obviously, this is medicinal, isn't it?
00:29:08Yes.
00:29:10It's medicinal marijuana.
00:29:12All right. Be careful with that.
00:29:14Nobody else is supposed to smoke that but him, all right?
00:29:17I'm really sorry.
00:29:19If you guys want a drink or some food or something,
00:29:21I can... I work here, so...
00:29:23Well, we're Tyler's new employees.
00:29:25I'm Danny Kent, future business mogul.
00:29:27Power player.
00:29:29I'm A.J. Kent.
00:29:31You've been beat.
00:29:33You're both Kents.
00:29:35You're not brothers, are you?
00:29:37Actually, we are.
00:29:39I would love to hear that story.
00:29:41Yeah.
00:29:43You know, I'm not gonna lie.
00:29:45I would love to hear that story.
00:29:47Maybe some other time.
00:29:49Okay, well, I'm Jessica, Tyler's niece,
00:29:51so if you guys need anything,
00:29:53just let me know.
00:29:57What are you doing with that cane,
00:29:59you little pecker?
00:30:01Oh, my God, you were faking it?
00:30:03Oh, my God!
00:30:05That's pathetic.
00:30:07Get inside and clean the toilets.
00:30:09Let's go.
00:30:15Make me a nice target, babe.
00:30:21Air ball.
00:30:25Hold up, hold up.
00:30:27Almost got it.
00:30:29Booyah!
00:30:31You're an insensitive prick.
00:30:33That's so cruel.
00:30:35Did you guys get what I wanted?
00:30:37What?
00:30:39The videotapes.
00:30:41Oh, this is a pussy house.
00:30:45You guys are such fucking losers.
00:30:47So now that we did what you asked,
00:30:49do we have a job or not?
00:30:51Well, you kind of did do what I asked,
00:30:53but you also failed miserably.
00:30:55So is that a yes?
00:30:57Is that a yes?
00:30:59I have a very big delivery tonight.
00:31:01Clients that need booze for a party.
00:31:03156 Flanagan.
00:31:05Here's the address.
00:31:07Don't be late.
00:31:09We don't have a car.
00:31:11I'll have Jessica drive you.
00:31:14Now get the fuck out of here.
00:31:16Here's your phone.
00:31:18And guys, this party's a little bit
00:31:20kind of weird from what I've heard.
00:31:22So get in and get the fuck out.
00:31:30Okay, load it up.
00:31:34Nice wheels.
00:31:36It's not mine.
00:31:38Why would I drive around this weird van?
00:31:40Okay, listen.
00:31:42About earlier...
00:31:44You know what? Just save it.
00:31:46Dirtbags like you are a dime a dozen.
00:31:48I see them at the bar every night.
00:31:50I'm not like them.
00:31:56It was an honest mistake.
00:31:58Honest?
00:32:00You are a pathetic little man.
00:32:02Whatever.
00:32:04When I die,
00:32:06people are going to love me so much,
00:32:08they're going to put my body
00:32:10on top of a mountain
00:32:12in an American flag
00:32:14with hot women fucking soaked in oil
00:32:16and they're going to mourn my death.
00:32:38Well, howdy, boys.
00:32:40Mrs. Hanks.
00:32:42I didn't know you had such a beautiful home.
00:32:44Oh, stop with the Mrs. Hanks.
00:32:46We're not in school.
00:32:48You can call me Monica.
00:32:50Okay.
00:32:52Well, don't just stand there.
00:32:54You have a job to do.
00:33:00Just a moment, please.
00:33:02I'm sorry.
00:33:04I'm sorry.
00:33:07Just unload at the kitchen.
00:33:19For your troubles.
00:33:25Wow. Hey.
00:33:27Thanks.
00:33:29Danny, there's something
00:33:31I need to speak with you about.
00:33:33It's for school.
00:33:35Alone.
00:33:37Oh.
00:33:39I'll wait in the vent.
00:33:41Danny, I have an assignment
00:33:43for you.
00:33:45Will you come with me?
00:34:05Do you like what you see?
00:34:07Yes.
00:34:35Throw me on the bed.
00:34:45Monica.
00:34:47Fuck.
00:35:05Perfect.
00:35:19Everything okay?
00:35:21What the fuck took so long?
00:35:23She wanted me to put it someplace else.
00:35:25Uh, excuse me?
00:35:27The drinks.
00:35:29Let's just get out of here.
00:35:31Okay.
00:35:35Dude, what happened last night?
00:35:37You seemed off.
00:35:39I don't know.
00:35:41It was weird.
00:35:43Didn't Mrs. Hanks touch your pecker?
00:35:45Actually, no.
00:35:47But I did hear something weird going on back there.
00:35:49Weird? Like a dude getting banged in the ass?
00:35:51Guys!
00:35:53Get back to work.
00:35:55It's a full fucking bar inside.
00:35:57Why are you guys always dressed in the same shit?
00:35:59Dress like a man.
00:36:01Get inside.
00:36:05Hell yeah.
00:36:07Hell yeah.
00:36:13Two more.
00:36:15You down with OPP?
00:36:17You know me, baby angel.
00:36:19Here, it's for you, sweetheart.
00:36:21Please don't throw money at me.
00:36:27Two more shots of your top vodka.
00:36:35What the fuck are you doing?
00:36:37What the fuck, bro? Did I know you?
00:36:39He was taking a picture.
00:36:41It's not true.
00:36:43Get the fuck out of here, you two.
00:36:45Now.
00:36:47Whoa.
00:36:49Are you fucking serious?
00:36:51Why you fucking bitches
00:36:53belong in a goddamn strip club?
00:36:55Oh, shit.
00:36:57Fuck!
00:36:59Bitch!
00:37:10I'm sorry for the way I've been treating you, Danny.
00:37:12Just forget it.
00:37:14Maybe we could
00:37:16start over?
00:37:18Of course.
00:37:20I'm Jessica Goodall.
00:37:22Jessica, I'm Danny Kent.
00:37:26So you wanna go out sometime?
00:37:30He's only 17.
00:37:32My mom's nine years older
00:37:35than my dad, and I'll be 18 next week.
00:37:37Let's go.
00:37:41Get back to work.
00:37:45Have you been there the whole time?
00:37:47Someone's gotta do the work.
00:37:49Yeah, someone's gotta do the work.
00:37:51Fucking crackhead.
00:38:01That's the real
00:38:03cutting end of anything.
00:38:05I'm gonna talk to him.
00:38:13I own many horses.
00:38:15Horses? Horses?
00:38:19Don't say I want an innocent barn again.
00:38:21No, sir, this is a bar.
00:38:25A bar.
00:38:29Oh, um...
00:38:31Can you get me a drink, then?
00:38:33You gonna have the usual, sir Pennyfeather?
00:38:38Well, uh,
00:38:40only if the usual comes out of those
00:38:42perky little sweat-a-muppets
00:38:44you got there, if, uh,
00:38:46if you know what I mean.
00:38:50I don't know what you mean,
00:38:52actually.
00:38:54This young fella here, he,
00:38:56you know what I mean.
00:38:58Oh, yeah, I know what he means.
00:39:01Sir?
00:39:03I just want to say that the power triangle
00:39:05changed my life
00:39:07and it turned me into the person I currently am.
00:39:09Oh, that's good.
00:39:11That'll be eight bucks.
00:39:15Uh, how about you taking care
00:39:17of this young fella here?
00:39:19From one power triangle
00:39:21to another?
00:39:23I'll have it.
00:39:25Pleasure's all mine.
00:39:27Thank you, sir.
00:39:29Get back to work.
00:39:39Pennyfeather, this better be worth my time.
00:39:41I just left my
00:39:43youth wrestling training.
00:39:45I didn't know you coached.
00:39:47Most athletes.
00:39:49Yeah, coach, huh?
00:39:51Well, that's a nice euphemism for legal
00:39:53child molestation.
00:39:55Coaching hell no, those are meat markets.
00:39:58I'd go there for the young gonad.
00:40:02There you go.
00:40:04Straight from the precision.
00:40:06Guaranteed
00:40:08offered in the nude, my friend.
00:40:12What would I do
00:40:14with your pube little tome, huh?
00:40:24I'm kind of down at the moment, you know.
00:40:26I just kind of need a
00:40:28infusion of cash,
00:40:30if you know what I mean.
00:40:32I'll do anything. Anything.
00:40:34Now you listen to me, you old
00:40:36queer, don't come on to me like that, okay?
00:40:38Damn it, Cosser!
00:40:40I'm a water-basedist.
00:40:42I've got nowhere in this world
00:40:44where I can sit and get an iota of comfort.
00:40:46God, you are really fucking with my vibe
00:40:48right now, you know that?
00:40:50Fine.
00:40:52Fine.
00:40:56Now look, this party
00:40:58makes the Illuminati look like a bunch of Mormons.
00:41:00They're real power players, real men
00:41:02with real cash.
00:41:04You gotta behave like someone kind of important.
00:41:06The address is 256 Flanagan.
00:41:08Bring your crap and be ready, okay?
00:41:12Dude, did you hear that?
00:41:14It's the same place we were last night.
00:41:16So? It's a fucking party in a mansion.
00:41:18What do you expect?
00:41:20Yeah, a mansion where I heard some guy scream Chrissy.
00:41:22Oh, what do you want to do, call the cops?
00:41:24Are you fucking crazy?
00:41:26If we find Chrissy Morgan, we'd be famous.
00:41:28Oh, I will.
00:41:30I promise, I will. I will.
00:41:32And one more thing, Pennyfeather.
00:41:34Don't even pretend to be straight
00:41:36and don't bring your dead wife's ashes, please.
00:41:38Oh, no.
00:41:40Lucy, she'll stay in the glove compartment
00:41:42like she always does.
00:41:44Whatever.
00:41:46Thank you, thank you.
00:41:48I could see the fucking headlines.
00:41:50Kent Brothers find missing girl.
00:41:53It's fucking iconic.
00:41:55All right.
00:41:57I see where you're going with this.
00:42:09I got an idea.
00:42:23Choo-ra-loo-ra-li.
00:42:25Choo-ra-loo-ra-loo.
00:42:27Choo-ra-loo-ra-loo.
00:42:29Choo-ra-loo-ra-loo.
00:42:31Choo-ra-loo-ra-li.
00:42:33Choo-ra-loo-ra-loo.
00:42:35Choo-ra-loo-ra-loo.
00:42:37Choo-ra-loo-ra-loo.
00:42:39Choo-ra-loo-ra-loo.
00:42:41Thinking what I'm thinking?
00:42:43Unfortunately, yes.
00:42:45How do I look?
00:42:47You have the body of an oil tycoon
00:42:49in the face of an 18-year-old virgin.
00:42:51How about now?
00:42:53Surprisingly convincing.
00:42:55But you should acquire fake beard.
00:43:07Hey Danny, you in?
00:43:09Yeah, just waiting for Jessica to get around back.
00:43:17Okay, anything I can do?
00:43:20Email me the Wikipedia page for Penny Feather.
00:43:22I don't want to be caught off-guard
00:43:24if anyone starts asking questions.
00:43:26Hey Danny, be safe, all right?
00:43:28Take care of Jessica.
00:43:30It's gonna be epic.
00:43:34I am a whole bunny.
00:43:36On several horses.
00:43:38Cobbling on my knee.
00:43:44Batting down the hatch,
00:43:46I have arrived.
00:43:48Oh my God!
00:43:50Michael J.!
00:43:52It's so good to see you!
00:43:54Velour, velour, velour.
00:43:56Mwah, mwah.
00:43:58Have a good time tonight.
00:44:00Hi, hi, hi.
00:44:02Oh my God!
00:44:04It's the Lone Ranger.
00:44:06I love a man in a mask.
00:44:08Oh my God, I love a man in a mask.
00:44:10Where is Tonto?
00:44:14It must be Tonto!
00:44:16You're always my favorite.
00:44:18There must be guns inside.
00:44:20Can't wait. Oh my God.
00:44:22Invitation?
00:44:46You've reached the Burning Studs Hotline.
00:44:48To begin your sexual journey, press 1.
00:45:16Ha, ha, ha.
00:45:28Show me the secret sign, please.
00:45:34What do you like to do, AJ?
00:45:36I like to draw.
00:45:38Are you any good?
00:45:40Yeah, I mean, I got a full-ride scholarship
00:45:42to Fine Arts Institute.
00:45:45Are you still in school?
00:45:47Yeah, I'm a high school senior.
00:45:49What do I look like in your mind?
00:45:53Well, you're probably
00:45:55sitting next to a microphone.
00:45:57And you're a musician,
00:45:59so you're probably slender and artistic.
00:46:01You're more right than you think.
00:46:11Bob, did you hear that?
00:46:15What?
00:46:17Stop messing around, Bob.
00:46:19I thought I heard someone.
00:46:21Oh, honey, I think you're just being paranoid.
00:46:23I'm sorry.
00:46:25I haven't been sleeping well lately.
00:46:27I'm just so worried about the boys.
00:46:31They're good kids, honey.
00:46:33They just got a little carried away.
00:46:35I'm sure you remember what it was like
00:46:37being a teenager.
00:46:39All those hormones.
00:46:45Dana.
00:46:47All right.
00:46:51So do you remember how to make a hormone?
00:46:53Oh, yes, I do.
00:46:55Little Bobby wants some sugar, Mama Bear.
00:46:57I got some sugar
00:46:59for Papa Bear.
00:47:01Come on. Come to Mama.
00:47:05So that pretty much sums up
00:47:07why I'm stuck working at a bar
00:47:09with an overgrown man-child
00:47:11and an undergrown child.
00:47:15Did you say you hung hundreds of dildos
00:47:17from the ceiling and the walls at your school?
00:47:19Well, my brother Danny did.
00:47:21Wow, that's kind of impressive.
00:47:23I mean, I helped, too.
00:47:25It was both of us.
00:47:27It sounds like your brother Danny
00:47:29is overcompensating for his perceived lack of success
00:47:31by creating situations to impress those around him.
00:47:33Yes, finally, someone who understands.
00:47:35Remember that everyone
00:47:37has a journey
00:47:39and must come to a personal truth
00:47:41at their own pace.
00:47:43Get in here.
00:47:49I can't believe I agreed to this.
00:47:51What's the plan?
00:47:53I don't exactly have one yet.
00:47:55Well, that's just perfect.
00:47:57Okay, how about I stay away from everything?
00:47:59If Chrissy Morgan's here,
00:48:01she's isolated from the party.
00:48:03Okay, get out of here.
00:48:05I'll be right back.
00:48:07Okay, how about I stay away from everything?
00:48:09If Chrissy Morgan's here,
00:48:11she's isolated from the party.
00:48:13Okay, get out there and mingle.
00:48:15I'll look for her.
00:48:17All right, I'll look for anyone suspicious.
00:48:19And Jessica, anything happens to you...
00:48:25All right.
00:48:27High five. Good luck.
00:48:29All right, fist bump.
00:48:37All right, fist bump.
00:49:07This had better be good, Stephen.
00:49:09Oh, it's going to be good.
00:49:11She's almost ready for the ceremony.
00:49:13Watch this.
00:49:15Bow.
00:49:19Oh, for God's sake.
00:49:21Bow a little lower
00:49:23for the madam, please.
00:49:27That's better.
00:49:29Now,
00:49:31bow a little lower
00:49:33for the madam, please.
00:49:35Now,
00:49:37watch this.
00:49:39First position.
00:49:45Decent.
00:49:47Second
00:49:49position.
00:49:57Unacceptable.
00:49:59Damn it, Chrissy.
00:50:01You know,
00:50:03if we really want to do this right,
00:50:05I think some deep red dahlias
00:50:07would accent the blood nicely.
00:50:09Oh, shut up,
00:50:11you little slut.
00:50:13At least you're wearing a white wedding dress.
00:50:31One, two,
00:50:33three, four,
00:50:35five, six,
00:50:37seven, eight,
00:50:39nine, ten.
00:50:41Whoa, whoa, good.
00:50:43Easy, easy, Chrissy.
00:50:45Winner, first fall.
00:50:47Oh, honey, you were great.
00:50:49Boy, if you had a fucking dick,
00:50:51you and me would be doing it.
00:50:53Yeah, God.
00:50:55Hey, Pennyfeather, get your ass over here.
00:50:57Help me lube up here.
00:51:00Don't drink that shit.
00:51:02It's lube.
00:51:04I guess it comes down to being ashamed
00:51:06of my disappointing parents.
00:51:08Sweetie, this isn't 1950 anymore.
00:51:10If people can't love you for being who you are,
00:51:12do you really want them in your life?
00:51:15I just don't want to be disowned
00:51:17by my parents.
00:51:19I'm sure if you knew what your parents were into,
00:51:21it would shock you.
00:51:29So weird.
00:51:38Yeah, I guess, but what about Danny?
00:51:40I'm sure Danny will find a way
00:51:42to become comfortable with this.
00:51:44What about some nice bleeding hearts?
00:51:48You stupid son of a bitch.
00:51:50If it weren't for me, none of these girls
00:51:52would have beautiful sacrifices.
00:51:54If it were left up to you, they would all be just
00:51:56dying in front of wood paneling
00:51:58and shag carpeting.
00:52:00Yes, dear.
00:52:04Hmm. You know what?
00:52:06I forgot to call my sister.
00:52:08I was going to ask her about staying at the lake this summer.
00:52:12I think the boys would like a surprise visit to the lake.
00:52:16Who's this on my phone?
00:52:21Get off my phone, freak!
00:52:24No, I'm not gone!
00:52:26Get downstairs right now, mister!
00:52:32A.J., were you getting catfished?
00:52:34What?
00:52:36I don't... Do you even know what that means?
00:52:38Well, son, we only want what's best for you.
00:52:40Listen, I know what I heard.
00:52:42And if this is another one of yours and Danny's pranks,
00:52:44I want it to stop now.
00:52:46But, Mom...
00:52:48But nothing! Your father and I worked too hard
00:52:50to keep you kids fed with a roof over your heads.
00:52:52I expect this from Danny, not you, A.J.
00:52:54Speaking of, where is he?
00:52:56Go get him.
00:52:58Oh, uh, he told me he wasn't feeling well.
00:53:00I think he already went to bed.
00:53:02I don't care. Go get him.
00:53:06My God, I picture you with six inches of cock
00:53:08and balls the size of Rhode Island.
00:53:10Do you hear me?
00:53:12That's beautiful. Well done.
00:53:14I gotta take this.
00:53:16Dude, you just saved me from the weirdest shit.
00:53:18It's Mom. She wants to see you now.
00:53:20Well, how can I do that, A.J.,
00:53:22when I'm Cunningham Pennyfeather
00:53:24surrounded by a bunch of oiled-up muscle checks?
00:53:26What? Where are you?
00:53:28Okay, look, stall Mom,
00:53:30and I'll be home as fast as I can.
00:53:32Danny, get over here, now!
00:53:38Intruder!
00:53:40Stop her!
00:53:42Somebody stop her!
00:53:44Stop her! We've got an imposter!
00:53:46We've got an imposter!
00:53:48Let me go!
00:53:50Stop him! Stop him!
00:53:52Stop my clothes on! Stop him!
00:53:54Stop my clothes on! Stop him!
00:53:56Stop him!
00:53:58Danny, Kent, what in the fuck
00:54:00are you doing here?
00:54:02Kent, you little prick!
00:54:04Stop him! Stop that man!
00:54:06Stop him!
00:54:12Mom, he's got the shits.
00:54:14He's shitting real bad up there.
00:54:16I think he ate that cod meal.
00:54:18Okay, well, ask him if he wants me to make him
00:54:20some tea for his tummy.
00:54:22But as soon as he's done, to get his rear down here.
00:54:24Okay, will do, will do.
00:54:26I'll get him right away.
00:54:48I'll get him right away.
00:55:02Tyler,
00:55:04dude, where are you?
00:55:14Tyler, dude, where are you?
00:55:16I'm pretty sure I found Chrissy Morgan.
00:55:18Oh yeah, and Jessica might have been kidnapped.
00:55:20Okay, bye.
00:55:22Hurry up, come in.
00:55:26I want to go on the record for being totally against this.
00:55:28Did you want Mom to get you?
00:55:30Boys, in here, now!
00:55:34What the hell, boys?
00:55:36Just when I think things can't get any worse, you pull this crap.
00:55:38Mom, you don't understand.
00:55:42I wonder who it could be at this hour.
00:55:44I don't know, go check, Bob.
00:55:52It's a police officer.
00:55:54Christ, what did you kids do now?
00:56:02Hi, officer.
00:56:04What can I do for you?
00:56:06I can't believe you hired an escort.
00:56:08Who even delivers at this hour?
00:56:10You're not a real police officer.
00:56:12I'm here to dance.
00:56:16This is how this is about to go down.
00:56:30What the fuck are you doing?
00:56:36Give me the orange!
00:56:42No!
00:56:50Guys, come on.
00:56:52Let's go.
00:56:56Where are you taking them?
00:56:58What are you doing?
00:57:06Come on, this way.
00:57:12Come on.
00:57:18Damn it.
00:57:24Did you do as I asked?
00:57:30And who might that be?
00:57:38Oh, terrific.
00:57:40Just one day before
00:57:42the biggest sacrificial offering
00:57:44in the history of secret societies
00:57:46and we have three men
00:57:48who know too much.
00:57:54The most wealthy,
00:57:56powerful men in the known universe
00:57:58are going to be here
00:58:00tomorrow night.
00:58:02Men who, mind you, are paying me good money
00:58:04to be a part of the sacrificial offerings.
00:58:07We must not let these kids
00:58:09foil our plans.
00:58:15Just kill them.
00:58:20Where are we?
00:58:22You ask way too many questions, kid.
00:58:24Too many questions?
00:58:26Yeah.
00:58:28I think now is the perfect time
00:58:30to ask many, many, many fucking questions.
00:58:32My girl's in danger.
00:58:34Your girl? You mean my niece?
00:58:36The one you dragged into this mess
00:58:38because you couldn't mind your own business?
00:58:40Yes, look.
00:58:42We're in imminent danger
00:58:44and you bring us to see an old fucking lady.
00:58:46What, is she going to give us a cough trap
00:58:48and tell us how polio was?
00:58:50That's my grandmother and she can hear you.
00:58:52Guys, shut the fuck up, alright?
00:59:04We're here because...
00:59:06I know.
00:59:08So what are you going to do about it?
00:59:12That's why we're here.
00:59:14I see.
00:59:16Get rest.
00:59:18You're gonna need it.
00:59:24Insecurity!
00:59:26Lack of self-understanding!
00:59:28And most prominently,
00:59:30fear of the truth!
00:59:32All human attributes!
00:59:34Attributes I see in the three of you!
00:59:46Ah, what is that?
00:59:48A bunch of pussies.
00:59:58The sooner you set yourselves free,
01:00:00the sooner we can free Jessica.
01:00:08The unity amongst you is beautiful
01:00:10and will grow stronger with time and trust.
01:00:18Now, whether Tyler told you,
01:00:20I raised Jessica.
01:00:22She is an amazing, young, bright woman
01:00:24and she means the world to me.
01:00:26You know where she is?
01:00:28I know where she is.
01:00:30We need knives and guns.
01:00:32No guns, no knives.
01:00:34When I was a secret agent,
01:00:36I used only unconventional tactics.
01:00:38Things no one had ever seen.
01:00:40Where do we find such things?
01:00:44Within yourselves.
01:00:46Teamwork together.
01:00:48Let the synergy be your guide.
01:00:50The three of you make a triangle.
01:00:52The power triangle.
01:00:54I have faith in you three.
01:00:56On the count of three,
01:00:58let's do a power triangle.
01:01:00One, two, three.
01:01:02Power triangle!
01:01:12Let's get epic.
01:01:26There's our man right there.
01:01:44That's all our money.
01:01:46It's all my money.
01:01:48Look at it.
01:01:50It's all my money.
01:01:52It's all my money.
01:01:54You're a pathetic little man. Your greed sickens me.
01:01:58You don't understand the power of the triangle, do you?
01:02:01No, you don't understand the power of the triangle.
01:02:06Go to sleep, old man.
01:02:25I'm going in.
01:02:28Shit, I don't have my phone.
01:02:30Here, take mine.
01:02:34Thanks, bro.
01:02:35Bro? Since when do you call me bro?
01:02:38This is the first time I feel like I've been one to you.
01:02:40Expect to hear it a lot more, then.
01:02:42Listen, enough of this you two lovebirds.
01:02:44When you locate Jessica, you text us.
01:02:47We got your back.
01:02:54Okay.
01:03:04Ticket?
01:03:06Uh, I left it in my DeLorean next to my flux capacitor.
01:03:10Very funny, Casa.
01:03:12You used that line last night.
01:03:14I still need a ticket.
01:03:17Enjoy your evening, sir.
01:03:26Customer, your presence is requested.
01:03:46This is your night.
01:04:07This is your night.
01:04:12Why are you doing this to me?
01:04:14Oh, because...
01:04:19I want to make you look fabulous.
01:04:28It's pretty.
01:04:35This was my mother's wedding dress.
01:04:39She wore it.
01:04:43You know, she liked little boys.
01:04:45She couldn't help herself.
01:04:54Neither can I.
01:05:39Well, well, well, Mr. Jeremy.
01:05:41I love watching you swallow.
01:05:44What's going on up there?
01:05:46Just a porn star choking the chicken.
01:06:02For God's sakes, what is that fucking Yeti doing here?
01:06:09No!
01:06:12How does he stay in the heat at night?
01:06:14Those pecs, they're like steamed vegetables.
01:06:33Costa! Hi, this is my friend Costa.
01:06:36Everybody meet Costa.
01:06:38Costa, meet everybody.
01:06:45Hey, Costa.
01:06:47Do you ever give a little kid a used condom
01:06:49and tell him it was a go-gurt?
01:06:51Seems a little fucked up.
01:06:53That's fucked up.
01:06:55Oh, excuse me?
01:06:57Aren't you standing tiptoe on your high horse today?
01:07:00Just seems a little disrespectful.
01:07:03This from a guy who rationalizes having sex with minors
01:07:07by bragging you have the highest test scores in the state!
01:07:10Like that's going to justify it!
01:07:12You got to admit those kids are limping off to a brighter future.
01:07:15That's why I love you, Costa.
01:07:17Come here, you slimeball. Let's have a private moment.
01:07:19Come here, come here. Oh, yes, yes, yes!
01:07:22You're not a bad guy. You need a black hat.
01:07:24You need some love.
01:07:27Costa, what do you think of the girls you got here?
01:07:30Pretty sexy, huh?
01:07:32I mean, no, no.
01:07:34My penis is like kicks.
01:07:36Kid-tested, mother-approved.
01:07:38Oh, it is. It's mother-approved.
01:07:40Costa, you're getting soft.
01:07:42In fact, I think a little too soft.
01:07:44Maybe.
01:07:52They all have masks.
01:07:54Check this out.
01:08:00You're getting soft, Costa.
01:08:02Perhaps a little too soft.
01:08:08Oh, my God.
01:08:10You know, we have a strong policy about intruders here.
01:08:12You picked the wrong party to crash.
01:08:14Hold him, Ron. I'll get the gun.
01:08:16Well, make it quick. I want to keep this festive.
01:08:18Yeah.
01:08:20Cut it out. Just lie there, will you?
01:08:22Now, who are you?
01:08:24I'm Costa.
01:08:26You're not Costa. I'm looking at your face, you idiot.
01:08:28Why are you at this party? Why are you here?
01:08:32Oh, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
01:08:34No, no, no, no, no.
01:08:36Who's this?
01:08:40Is this Lyrical Lamentations of Love?
01:08:42Lyrical Lamentations of Love.
01:08:48Oh, it's Eric, baby.
01:08:50Hi.
01:08:52Oh, I know.
01:08:54I want to talk to him.
01:08:56Hi, I have a big cock,
01:08:58and I like to get a nice ball sack massage.
01:09:00In fact, I'm sitting here.
01:09:02My penis is out parking the car.
01:09:04The Eagle Society.
01:09:06Secret, wealthy group
01:09:08of prominent homosexual men
01:09:10with mommy issues.
01:09:12Often blaming the infidelities
01:09:14of their mothers
01:09:16as the root of their unhappiness.
01:09:18It's very encyclopedic.
01:09:20Seems too straightforward.
01:09:22Like an expository for a secret book.
01:09:24Well, maybe the guys
01:09:26that wrote this thing were on a tight deadline.
01:09:28So I have a problem with premature ejaculation.
01:09:38Hey, why are you giving Ron Jeremy my phone?
01:09:40Not that I mind
01:09:42where his hands have been.
01:09:44Who cares about the fucking phone?
01:09:46Any ideas where my niece is?
01:09:48I've got an idea.
01:09:54Let the games begin.
01:10:00Gentlemen,
01:10:02tonight we put an end to the ghost
01:10:04of our mother's judgment.
01:10:06No longer
01:10:08will we be judged
01:10:10for the choices that we've made.
01:10:12Choices that were made
01:10:14that were predetermined
01:10:16before we came out of our mother's womb.
01:10:20Let the sacrifice begin.
01:10:24Let the sacrifice begin.
01:10:38Dude, you're homosexual.
01:10:40Why didn't you tell me?
01:10:42You? How could I possibly tell you?
01:10:44All you care about is material things.
01:10:46How people perceive you.
01:10:48How can I be honest with you?
01:10:50You're not even honest with yourself, Dan.
01:10:54I know, sonny.
01:10:56You've always been a disappointment to me.
01:10:58I expect that from sons
01:11:00who wet the bed until age 15.
01:11:02If your mothers could see you now.
01:11:04Oh.
01:11:06Yes, they can.
01:11:08You should always carry a piece
01:11:10of your mother in your heart.
01:11:12It's picture school day
01:11:14and you're not even dressed to impress.
01:11:16You better smile, you rickety cunt.
01:11:18You better smile, you rickety cunt.
01:11:20You better smile, you rickety cunt.
01:11:22You better smile, you rickety cunt.
01:11:26Get over there.
01:11:28Everybody back the fuck off
01:11:30or you're gonna get an ass full of lead.
01:11:32And to clarify,
01:11:34this is a deadly weapon.
01:11:36I'm not talking about any kind of kinky stuff.
01:11:42What did you do with my mistress?
01:11:44You could say
01:11:46she's waken up to some
01:11:48harsh realities.
01:11:52Ha.
01:11:54This is my favorite one.
01:11:56I got it from a blind guy.
01:11:58That's an apple, you idiot.
01:12:00Uh, yeah, did you hear me just mention
01:12:02that he's blind?
01:12:04God, for a mistress of the Secret Society,
01:12:06you're a fucking stupid whore.
01:12:08You know, if this doesn't work out,
01:12:10Mrs. Hanks, maybe you and, uh...
01:12:12Save your words, Costa.
01:12:14A person like me would never sleep with a troll like you.
01:12:16No, no, no.
01:12:18That's not what I was talking about, my dear.
01:12:20I was talking about a teaching reference
01:12:22for an elementary school.
01:12:24You're 35 years too old for me.
01:12:26I am 42.
01:12:28Exactly.
01:12:30Can I jerk her off on your tits?
01:12:32No!
01:12:34I was talking to him.
01:12:38I can pay you in rubber penises.
01:12:40Absolutely.
01:12:42Nice.
01:12:44The Oakwood community can all sleep a little easier now.
01:12:46Thanks to three men
01:12:48who can only be referred to as the Power Triangle,
01:12:50a young woman was rescued from captivity.
01:12:52The perpetrators,
01:12:54Oakwood High School Principal Stephen Hanks
01:12:56and his wife,
01:12:58psychologist Monica Hanks,
01:13:00are being held for questioning.
01:13:02Once again, it seems as though good has prevailed.
01:13:04We'll be here bringing you up-to-date coverage
01:13:06as soon as it becomes available.
01:13:08This is Sofia Breedley,
01:13:10signing off for Open News Channel 3.
01:13:14Hey, guys.
01:13:16You did it.
01:13:18No, we did it.
01:13:20And now that I'm 18,
01:13:22we're gonna do it.
01:13:24That's my boy.
01:13:26Hey, where's Ross?
01:13:28Well, the busybody couldn't make it.
01:13:30He's too busy doing R&D on a new lobster sandwich.
01:13:34Hey, guys. Congratulations.
01:13:36You did it.
01:13:40Guys, I just gotta say something.
01:13:42If A.J. wasn't gay,
01:13:44I'd be dead right now.
01:13:46And for that,
01:13:48I'm forever grateful for this homosexuality.
01:13:54I got a surprise for you.
01:13:56Yeah.
01:14:12A.J., I have never been more proud of you
01:14:14than I am in this moment.
01:14:16Thanks, Dad.
01:14:18I can't wait to gossip with you
01:14:20and catch up on the soap operas.
01:14:22Anyway, listen.
01:14:24Let's toast on the power triangle.
01:14:26Cheers.
01:14:28Hold on.
01:14:30Power triangle?
01:14:32I don't have any money.
01:14:34It's all right.
01:14:36Trust me. I got something to show you guys.
01:14:38Let's go check it out.
01:14:40Come on.
01:14:46Take a look.
01:14:48This is amazing, Tyler.
01:14:52Can I redesign the interior?
01:14:54Of course. It's yours.
01:14:56All right, guys.
01:14:58On the count of three,
01:15:00let's do a power triangle.
01:15:02Let's do it.
01:15:04One, two...
01:15:06Whoa, wait.
01:15:08Always treat Jessica like a princess.
01:15:10I will.
01:15:12Three, power triangle!
01:15:14Hey, hey, hey!
01:15:18Hey!
01:15:20Hey, asswipe!
01:15:22Shut up!
01:15:24Asswipe!
01:15:26Asswipe!
01:15:28Asswipe!
01:15:30Asswipe!
01:15:34Grab his legs.
01:15:36Tyler!
01:15:38This is gay.
01:15:40Asswipe!
01:15:46Asswipe!
01:16:10Asswipe!
01:16:12Asswipe!
01:16:14Asswipe!
01:16:16Asswipe!
01:16:18Asswipe!
01:16:20Asswipe!
01:16:22Asswipe!
01:16:24Asswipe!
01:16:26Asswipe!
01:16:28Asswipe!
01:16:30Asswipe!
01:16:32Asswipe!
01:16:34Asswipe!
01:16:36Asswipe!
01:16:38Asswipe!
01:16:40Asswipe!
01:16:42Asswipe!
01:16:44Asswipe!
01:16:46Asswipe!
01:16:48Asswipe!
01:16:50Asswipe!
01:16:52Asswipe!
01:16:54Asswipe!
01:16:56Asswipe!
01:16:58Asswipe!
01:17:00Asswipe!
01:17:02Asswipe!
01:17:04Asswipe!
01:17:06Asswipe!
01:17:08Asswipe!
01:17:10Asswipe!
01:17:12Asswipe!
01:17:14Asswipe!
01:17:16Asswipe!
01:17:18Asswipe!
01:17:20Asswipe!
01:17:22Asswipe!
01:17:24Asswipe!
01:17:26Asswipe!
01:17:28Asswipe!
01:17:30Asswipe!
01:17:32Asswipe!
01:17:34Asswipe!
01:17:36Asswipe!
01:17:38Asswipe!
01:17:40Asswipe!
01:17:42Asswipe!
01:17:44Asswipe!
01:17:46Asswipe!
01:17:48Asswipe!
01:17:50Asswipe!
01:17:52Asswipe!
01:17:54Asswipe!
01:17:56Asswipe!
01:17:58Asswipe!
01:18:00Asswipe!
01:18:02Asswipe!
01:18:04Asswipe!
01:18:06Asswipe!
01:18:08Asswipe!
01:18:10Asswipe!
01:18:12Asswipe!
01:18:14Asswipe!
01:18:16Asswipe!
01:18:18Asswipe!
01:18:20Asswipe!
01:18:22Asswipe!
01:18:24Asswipe!
01:18:26Asswipe!
01:18:28Asswipe!
01:18:30Asswipe!
01:18:32Asswipe!
01:18:34Asswipe!
01:18:36Asswipe!
01:18:38Asswipe!
01:18:40Asswipe!
01:18:42Asswipe!
01:18:44Asswipe!
01:18:46Asswipe!