After nearly half a century of compiling, writing and presenting for ITV, All The Best sees Denis Norden embarking on a farewell tour of his favourite funny bits. All The Best re-visits such popular ITV specials as And The Winner Is, Denis Norden's Trailer Cinema, nostalgia series Looks Familiar and, of course, flagship show It'll Be Alright On The Night. The cavalcade of comedy stars it features include Morecambe & Wise, Jack Dee, Steve Martin, Eric Sykes, Tommy Cooper, Les Dawson, The Two Ronnies, Bob Monkhouse, Victoria Wood, Spike Milligan and a host of others.
Denis also delivers his last ever selection of brand new, never seen before, bloopers.
Watch More "Legendary Comedy Icons - Real Life Stories" https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x74fvq
Denis also delivers his last ever selection of brand new, never seen before, bloopers.
Watch More "Legendary Comedy Icons - Real Life Stories" https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x74fvq
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Today, the Farmers' Newsreel is launching a novel new competition.
00:05We shall be visiting a number of major events around the UK by balloon,
00:09and filming from this wonderful vantage position.
00:14LAUGHTER
00:17MUSIC
00:30APPLAUSE
00:48Ladies and gentlemen, it's all the best from your host, Dennis Norton.
00:53APPLAUSE
00:57Hello.
00:59Hello, and as you probably sussed from that eloquent opening sequence,
01:03you're in for an affectionate round-up
01:05of some of my most fondly remembered funny bits
01:08from all those shows I've been compiling, writing and presenting
01:12over the past 108 years.
01:14So let's embark on this farewell tour
01:16by recalling a few of my favourite funny people,
01:20starting with a couple of my favourite favourites.
01:23MUSIC
01:34LAUGHTER
01:43LAUGHTER
01:54LAUGHTER
01:57I was thinking I should have come on the train,
01:59I should have come into city, but whenever I go into city,
02:01I always seem to end up sitting opposite the woman
02:03who's eating the individual fruit pie
02:05by sucking the filling up through the hole.
02:07But the last time I went into city, I was sitting there like this,
02:10and there was a couple across the aisle having sex.
02:12But this being a British train, nobody said anything.
02:15But when they'd finished, they went for a cigarette,
02:17and this woman sat up and said,
02:18excuse me, I think I find this is a non-smoking company.
02:21Let's sing the song together.
02:23Will you join me in the golden oldie?
02:25Right, let's start with that one side by side.
02:28PIANO PLAYS
02:33Give me some fifths.
02:35PIANO PLAYS
02:39That's it.
02:43LAUGHTER
02:47LAUGHTER
02:50Try to keep together.
02:52LAUGHTER
02:54Do that.
02:56Tiny little invisible man standing on my hand.
02:59Wouldn't he be lovely?
03:01Would you like to tickle him under the chin?
03:03Yeah. Yeah, that's all right, all right.
03:06LAUGHTER
03:11Actually, actually, he's about that high, but I think...
03:14LAUGHTER
03:17DRUMMING
03:30LAUGHTER
03:40APPLAUSE
03:44George Carle.
03:46Has anyone ever done that kind of thing better?
03:48Well, a tip of my hat next to Bob Monkhouse.
03:51Not only the style setter of stand-up,
03:54but someone who knew the tricks and dodges of comedy
03:57like an old taxi driver knows the back doubles.
04:00Take, for instance, this 1964 routine
04:03where he appeared as the fifth Beatle, by name, Colorado.
04:08How do you feel about their current success since they dropped you?
04:12LAUGHTER
04:14But when I talked to Paul McCartney, he said he'd never heard of you.
04:19He said you were a liar and a fake.
04:21What do you advise me to do about that?
04:26Your publicity says you're tough,
04:28you never change your clothes, you never wash.
04:31How is it you haven't got more fans?
04:37LAUGHTER
04:41LAUGHTER
04:46I mean, you should have lots of Merseyside fans.
04:49Liverpool is a growing city.
04:51Last year, the birth rate was 22% higher than before.
05:00Just how many members...
05:03Just how many members, I was going to ask you, are there in your fan club?
05:07Maybe millions of people.
05:10How many?
05:11There are hundreds and thousands of girls.
05:16101.
05:18How many?
05:1976.
05:20How many?
05:22Only 15.
05:24How many?
05:25Hello, Mara.
05:27LAUGHTER
05:33Don't let on I told you that that off-screen voice
05:36belonged to Ronnie Corbett, so you're right.
05:39Well, let's maintain the reminiscent mood
05:42by looking in on some other people reminiscing,
05:45including a couple plucked from a nostalgia series
05:48called Looks Familiar that I splattered across the 1970s and 80s.
05:52They're all theatrical reminiscences,
05:55starting with one from Bernard Miles
05:57that reduced Spike Milligan to a state of giggling helplessness.
06:01There's one famous story.
06:03I was out on tour with Eric Barker, a great radio comedian,
06:06and we went to Birmingham and found a double-bed sitting room,
06:09you know, two little beds, and we did a deal with the landlady
06:12for 35 shillings a week, all in, the two of us,
06:15and as she went out of the room, she said,
06:18oh, she said, and by the way, she said,
06:21if you ever have occasion to use the chamber pot,
06:24please don't put it back under the bed,
06:27as the steam rusts the springs.
06:41Don't want any money for this show.
06:44Oh, dear.
06:49I was thinking all the years I spent
06:51trying to make up very funny jokes,
06:54and a simple statement by a landlady is better than them all.
07:04How did she...?
07:06How did she find out?
07:13And one night, I was alone on the stage doing a monologue,
07:18and I saw a rat walking right round the orchestra rail.
07:24Well, I went on, because, you know, discipline.
07:28And the pianist, who was a lady called Hero Dorrance,
07:33and proved to be no hero at all,
07:36fainted.
07:39And the next day, there were people ringing up the box office
07:42saying, will the rat be in the show?
07:48When Bobby Heltmer was doing The Dream in America,
07:53they played a stadium at one point
07:55and did the ballet in a floodlit sports stadium,
07:58and Robert was given the umpire's room,
08:01because they felt, you know, it was the most commodious room.
08:04And so he was given the umpire's room,
08:06and the boy went round calling the half, you know,
08:09and knocked on the doors for half an hour and got no reply,
08:11so he went in.
08:13And on a table, Robert Heltmer had put a chair,
08:17and on top of that chair, he was standing,
08:19craning with a mirror and a make-up stick
08:22against the one naked light bulb that was hanging from the ceiling.
08:26And he said, are you all right up there,
08:28doing this very elaborate eye make-up for Oberon?
08:30Gold and green, you see.
08:32Are you all right up there, Sir Robert?
08:34And he said, oh, yeah, I'm fine.
08:36Goodness knows how these umpires manage.
08:41APPLAUSE
09:11LAUGHTER
09:19The baker said to me last Sunday, he said,
09:21Kenneth, isn't it wonderful to see the young people
09:23walking down the road carrying the good book?
09:25I said, they're taking their videos back.
09:27LAUGHTER
09:31They hire these blasted videos all about werewolves and vampires.
09:34Fancy anybody paying good money
09:36to watch somebody with long hair and big teeth.
09:38LAUGHTER
09:41Why can't you be a nice, polite boy like Perry?
09:44What? What's wrong with me?
09:46What's bloody wrong with me, eh?
09:48Hello?
09:50Hello, Mrs Carter.
09:52Yes, Perry is here, yes.
09:54I very well thank you.
09:56Yes, would you like to speak to him, please?
09:58Yes, Perry.
10:00It's your mum.
10:02What?!
10:04I don't want to!
10:06No, it's all unfair! I hate you!
10:08You're so bloody embarrassing, I hate you!
10:12I've got to go now, Mrs Patterson.
10:16When I was six years old,
10:18I joined an artist group
10:20and had to draw a picture of a pig.
10:22And that was the picture of the pig that I drew.
10:24Look.
10:26And when the teacher came along, he said,
10:28what's that? I said, that's my pig.
10:30He said, no, it's the wrong shape.
10:32Pigs look round.
10:34I said, well, so does this one, smart arsehole.
10:37You've earned a chance
10:39to play with our cash cards
10:41and you could win thousands of pounds.
10:43Plus this magnificent car.
10:47Isn't it a lovely car?
10:49Shut up.
10:55Couldn't you feel me acting?
10:59I know it's not a bloody car, then.
11:06I got the routine
11:10So stick another nickel
11:14In the machine.
11:19Why I'm feeling so bad
11:23Won't you make the music
11:26Dreamy and sad
11:30Thanks, Joe.
11:36One more thing.
11:51One more.
11:53For the room.
12:00Well...
12:06Dickie Henderson.
12:08Someone who made even slapstick look elegant.
12:10Well, when I read
12:12that somewhere out in space
12:14there could be alien life forms
12:16studying Earth's television programmes
12:19so as to evaluate human intelligence,
12:21I couldn't help wondering
12:23what sort of picture of us they got
12:25from It'll Be Alright On The Night.
12:27Pretty accurate, I should think.
12:29And as the series has now been clanking out
12:31since 1977,
12:33is their favourite clip
12:35the same one that viewers down here
12:37always seem to vote for,
12:39the one in the lift with Peter Sellers?
12:41Suddenly Blake says,
12:43Oh, stop, stop.
12:45I got a great idea.
12:47Whilst they're sizing each other up
12:49and one's looking like that
12:51and the closer's looking like that
12:53and...
12:55all this sort of business going,
12:57the George Raft routine,
12:59someone should break wind, you see.
13:01Um, that would...
13:03Well, they'd all...
13:05do this.
13:07So we said, yeah, but, um...
13:09if we do that,
13:11what's going to happen?
13:13I mean, how are we going to...
13:15Oh, we said, that's alright. I'll say now.
13:19Now.
13:21Now.
13:33Look, look, look, look, look, look.
13:37Oh, oh.
13:41We can do it, we can do it.
13:43So that's what started it.
13:45And then Blake said, alright, I want to say now.
13:47We said, now is the word that's doing it, Blake.
13:49Now is...
13:51Now is causing the trouble.
13:53So he said, alright, OK, I'll make a noise.
13:55How's that?
13:57Hey, you got a Kleenex?
13:59Just pick it up here.
14:01OK.
14:07OK.
14:09Here we go, this is the one.
14:11Quietly.
14:15Action.
14:31APPLAUSE
14:35As ever, the classier the performer,
14:37the better the outtake.
14:39There'll be some brand-new ones for you later in the show,
14:41but meantime,
14:43let's turn to something from our Laughterphile series,
14:45where, in one of the more amiable
14:47Anglo-French alliances,
14:49we linked up
14:51with a Parisian troupe
14:53called Théâtre de la Rue,
14:55a larky gang of crackpots and dingbats
14:57who liven up the boulevards
14:59like this.
15:29LAUGHTER
15:59LAUGHTER
16:07LAUGHTER
16:19LAUGHTER
16:25LAUGHTER
16:29LAUGHTER
16:41LAUGHTER
16:49LAUGHTER
16:59LAUGHTER
17:11LAUGHTER
17:19LAUGHTER
17:23APPLAUSE
17:25APPLAUSE
17:29You can do with a bit of that at Brent Cross.
17:31Now, where I come from,
17:33which is a region called the past,
17:35it would be impossible for a thinking man
17:37to compile any kind
17:39of all-the-best list
17:41that didn't include these next two gents,
17:43Mrs Eric Morecambe and Annie Wise.
17:45So here's something of theirs
17:47you're not likely to have seen all that often,
17:49an early 60s Roy Castle show,
17:51where, in company
17:53with Dickie Valentine,
17:55they had a go at quartet singing.
17:57Answer in phrases. Right.
17:59Right.
18:01We were sailing along...
18:03Just...
18:05LAUGHTER
18:07What's answering phrases?
18:09Answering phrases? Yeah.
18:11Well, we sing the first part and then you repeat.
18:13We were sailing along...
18:15You don't want me to do the answering phrases, just repeat it.
18:17Yeah, that's it.
18:19All right? Yes. Get in.
18:21We were sailing along...
18:27LAUGHTER
18:31Good lady.
18:33Answering phrase. Wait a minute, we were halfway through.
18:35Oh, were you? Yes.
18:37Oh, I wouldn't have known.
18:39We were sailing along...
18:41And you were sailing along...
18:43No, no, no.
18:45We were sailing along...
18:47Oh, I'm up with you.
18:49We're all in the same boat.
18:51That's right. He's moonlight with us.
18:53LAUGHTER
18:55We can go down a bit at the end, won't we?
18:57Pretty much.
18:59We were sailing along...
19:01We were sailing along...
19:03On moonlight day...
19:05We were sailing along...
19:07LAUGHTER
19:09You don't want to sing moonlight thing!
19:11Moonlight thing? Yes.
19:13You repeat what we sing. I see.
19:15I'm sorry about this.
19:17All right.
19:19We were sailing along...
19:21We were sailing along...
19:23On moonlight day...
19:25On moonlight day...
19:27We could hear the voices ringing...
19:29We could hear the voices ringing...
19:31They say...
19:33LAUGHTER
19:35I'm behind.
19:37I haven't finished my bit yet.
19:39LAUGHTER
19:41Will you tell him he's got to get in quicker?
19:43What?
19:45He's got to get in quicker.
19:47Oh, I've got to get in quicker.
19:49LAUGHTER
19:51Sorry about that.
19:53We could hear the voices ringing.
19:55Oh, from the top.
19:57We could hear the voices ringing...
19:59We could hear the voices ringing...
20:01They seem to say...
20:03They seem to say...
20:05Hang on, that's not mine.
20:07LAUGHTER
20:09APPLAUSE
20:12This next little bundle,
20:14which starts with a glimpse of the man
20:16who once took me to task
20:18for comparing his face to a cheerful kneecap.
20:21Sid James.
20:23BELL RINGS
20:25Oh, don't kiss me, Sid. You'll catch flu.
20:27Oh, don't be ridiculous. You're my wife, aren't you?
20:29And I love you. If I want to kiss you, I'll kiss you.
20:31Oh, Sid.
20:33LAUGHTER
20:35LAUGHTER
20:37LAUGHTER
20:39LAUGHTER
20:41LAUGHTER
20:43LAUGHTER
20:45LAUGHTER
20:47I shouldn't be doing this.
20:49My back isn't what it used to be.
20:51Your front isn't what it used to be either.
20:53LAUGHTER
20:55Can I just say that at least you're not fat like me?
20:57Hmm?
20:59I mean, what you two don't seem to realise
21:01is that inside of me, inside of me,
21:03there is a thin person just screaming to get out.
21:05Just the one, dear.
21:07LAUGHTER
21:13Hey.
21:15Come on. Give us a kiss.
21:17Oh, come on.
21:19Don't be so silly.
21:21We're too old for that kind of thing.
21:23You know what they say?
21:25The older the bottle, the sweeter the wine.
21:27Yeah, well, you can just keep your cork on.
21:29LAUGHTER
21:31LAUGHTER
21:33LAUGHTER
21:35They'll be here in a minute
21:37and I'm not even properly dressed.
21:39You just go upstairs and get yourself ready.
21:41I know what has to be done.
21:43The table is finished.
21:45Hannah will go out and get us any drinks we might need.
21:47I won't be a minute.
21:49Just leave us alone while I can manage.
21:51Oh!
21:53Oh!
21:55Oh!
21:57Oh!
21:59That's a handle dangling over a hot plate.
22:01You should've checked it, Matt!
22:03Oh, that's brilliant, isn't it?
22:05That's the dinner ruined.
22:07You're talking as if I did it on purpose.
22:09You never liked my colour and skink, did you?
22:11No, to be honest.
22:13But I know how hysterical you Scottish are
22:15about your local dishes.
22:17I am not hysterical. I am suicidal.
22:19No, I'm not. I'm homicidal.
22:21So am I.
22:23Go away!
22:25I'll go. I'll go, she doesn't know you. Will you stop pushing, or I will open the door.
22:32I want to do it together. You are far too unstable to open the door blindly.
22:38Oh, I see. You think you're too young, do you? You're a fine hoover, sit down your trousers.
22:42You want to get the door dirty? I will. Oh, that was my fault.
22:46You've made me. I'm pettish. I feel pettish. As usual. Scumbag.
22:50Bad mugged brain. Had a brain. Had a mouth.
23:07A brief twister or wind gust, which hit the area this afternoon, also sent a tree right down the middle of a Springfield woman's home.
23:15Linda Russell was just feet from where the 40-foot fur crashed through her kitchen, severing her house in the gateway area.
23:21Fortunately, no one was injured, although she's not sure where her cat disappeared to.
23:29Well, the brief twister or wind gust also sent a tree right down the middle of a Springfield woman's home.
23:35Linda Russell was just feet from where the 40-foot fur crashed through her kitchen, severing her house in the gateway area.
23:43Fortunately, no one was injured, although she's not sure where her cat disappeared to.
23:53Hello. Hello, you're through to myself and Steve. Hi, you've gone for today's special value, haven't you?
23:58I have, yeah. And is it for yourself, do you, Sandra?
24:01No, it's for my brother. I bought him a camera at Christmas. Right.
24:06And I bought him one for his birthday and he hasn't had much success with either of them.
24:10Ah, right. OK, so you're hoping this is going to be much easier for him? Yeah.
24:14OK, good for you. Well, it is much easier, isn't it? From start to finish.
24:18How old is he? How old is he? He's 49.
24:26I don't usually ask this of anybody, Mr. Berg, because you are...
24:30I mean, I never get to meet somebody who has lived such a long and prosperous life.
24:35Well, this November will be your 104th birthday. What is your secret for longevity?
24:42Huh?
24:47Why do I still keep saying that, Andrea? That was a few years ago. All these years ago.
24:52Come and say hello, Richard.
24:54Hello, Richard.
25:03What would you do if a girl tried to kiss you? I'd kick her in the head.
25:10Snowing could be heard on the Capital Beltway around Washington, D.C., early this morning.
25:15A tractor-trailer transporting Black and Gus, there's Black or Gus,
25:20was stopped on the side of the beltway while the driver changed a flat tire.
25:23State police said the cows were rounded up as the traffic was moving as normal by around 6 a.m.
25:29Officials say no people and no cows were injured.
25:34I wonder if those cows named Black and Gus were actually Black Angus cows.
25:43Are you thinking I misinterpreted something?
25:47And those were a few live foul-ups, taken from a batch we had labelled
25:53These Were Actually Transmitted, till someone noticed what the initials spelt.
25:59But those on-air bloopers were another feature of our laughter-fire programmes,
26:05as was our regular expose of the prankishness, misbehaviour and general horsing around
26:11that TV folk indulge in when they think it's not being recorded.
26:17Well, Chick, it's lovely to have you down here, south of the border.
26:20You know, if you don't mind me saying so, sir, you're one of the few comedians
26:23that have travelled south regularly and been very successful.
26:26I can only think of you and Billy Connolly.
26:28A unique style, and yet it's never been copied.
26:42Of course!
26:44Now you've gone from being a comic to into the acting business.
26:53You're very good in Gregory's, girl.
27:00Tell me. I'm sorry to interrupt you like this.
27:06Here, look. I've got you a present.
27:09A present?
27:11Oh.
27:12Just a little something, you know. And another little something as well.
27:15Oh, Ashley from the florist.
27:18Oh, thank you. What a lovely...
27:30Let me see a little shot.
27:32This far?
27:33No, a little more.
27:35A little more.
27:40A vowel.
27:43That is E.
27:45Another vowel.
27:46Another vowel.
27:48I.
27:50Consonant.
27:51Ah!
28:03And as Carol goes for counselling, let's move to 1992,
28:07when, for a programme that was rapidly to become a series of one,
28:11I took on the subject of 50s and 60s film trailers,
28:15specifically those promoting low-budget, low-forid B-movies,
28:20because while those films themselves were often virtually unwatchable,
28:25the trashiness of their trailers was sometimes almost gem-like.
28:31Lisbon, the glittering, glamorous storm centre of international intrigue,
28:36where the hand of fate spins the wheel of chance
28:40and the stakes are life or death.
28:43Into this whirlpool of secret agents
28:46comes mysterious, beautiful Vera Brauster.
28:50Mictumacious, courageous Richard Allen.
28:53Ruthless, money-hungry Erich von Stroheim.
28:56Fear-driven Otto Kruger.
28:58Sinister, nerveless Edoardo Cianelli.
29:01And reckless, laughing Robert Livingston.
29:04All playing a daring, dangerous game.
29:07Craig, you've got to be careful.
29:09Teresco is going to...
29:11Ah!
29:29The soldier who attempts this mission is almost certain to die.
29:33Do you want to be that soldier?
29:35When do you want me to go?
29:46Is there one in your house?
29:52Mixed up women.
29:58MUSIC PLAYS
30:29APPLAUSE
30:32I believe they didn't say, based on a true story.
30:35Anyway, off now to some memories of award shows,
30:39those glittering exercises in celebrity humility and cleavage.
30:44And after the many pops we've had at them down the decades,
30:47a few choice vignettes.
30:49I'd like to thank my manager, Addison Creswell, for his good advice.
30:54Like, don't wear a dinner jacket, you haven't won it.
30:58Producers promised that my participation would be short and dignified.
31:04So now I want to...
31:17I don't know, maybe if we ignore him, he'll just go away.
31:21As I was saying...
31:24LAUGHTER
31:29To all of you who have been nominated tonight, we applaud you.
31:40And to some of the funniest performances and performers of the year,
31:44we offer our salute.
31:49I suppose you think that's funny.
31:53LAUGHTER
32:00I don't know whether I was crying because I was so moved,
32:04or whether it's because I haven't worked in damn near a year.
32:07LAUGHTER
32:11Your Highness, ladies and gentlemen, Dad.
32:16LAUGHTER
32:20APPLAUSE
32:24I just heard some extraordinary news backstage.
32:26Apparently, we're not overrunning.
32:30It's a wee miracle, ladies and gentlemen.
32:32It's like meeting a poor vet.
32:36We're here tonight because of a common love.
32:41Me.
32:44APPLAUSE
32:50But tonight, I cannot accept this award
32:53without thanking a few very important people.
32:56First, my skilled and loyal agents,
33:00First and Fenton.
33:04And Fentwethers.
33:06LAUGHTER
33:13My managers, Fon Woyfow...
33:17..and Filly Howe.
33:20I must mention my publicists, Helmuth Zyputh,
33:23John Wilson and Chan Fethweth.
33:27Those directors who have guided me, Fon Woyfow...
33:31..and Blath Wethweth.
33:34Most of all, my wife, Felden Fenton Wentworth.
33:38LAUGHTER
33:43Playgroup moment with Steve Martin.
33:46Now, back in the days of black and white radio,
33:49Frank Muir and I often used to write about an appalling family
33:52called The Glums.
33:54When they came to TV in 1979,
33:57with Ian Lavender and Patricia Brake playing the Ron and F parts
34:01narrated by Dick Bentley and June Whitfield,
34:04the episode that seemed to go down the best
34:06was the one where Mr Glum got his big toe
34:09caught in the plug hole of the bath.
34:11We join it as F waits outside the door
34:14while Ron murkies up the bath water with gravy.
34:20Try another packet.
34:22All right, Dick.
34:25LAUGHTER
34:30All right, am I coming yet, Mr Glum?
34:33No, not yet, Edith.
34:36How does it seem to you, Ron?
34:39LAUGHTER
34:43Lovely, lovely.
34:47Don't taste it. Don't taste it.
34:50I mean the constituency of it, Ian.
34:54I think it's dark enough.
34:56All right, Ethel, you can come in.
34:59I'm decent.
35:02Hello, Mr Glum.
35:06Hello, Ethel.
35:08You'll pardon me not getting up.
35:14It is a pretty kettle of fish, isn't it, eh?
35:18Me, at my time of life,
35:20sitting here like the Brown Inversion.
35:25Why did you want to go and put your big toe
35:27in the plug hole for in the first place?
35:29Oh, I didn't want to, Ethel.
35:31I had to, you see. I come here to have me bath, and you see,
35:34there's no plug, you see.
35:36The plug had gone, so, I mean, when I turned the taps on,
35:40the water went straight up.
35:42Oh, yes, it would, wouldn't it?
35:44Yeah.
35:46Not a question of it would, wouldn't it? It did, didn't it?
35:50So I had no more to do than take all me clothes off
35:53and get into the bath
35:55and stick me toe in the plug hole, you see,
35:57and then turn the taps on.
35:59I passed a lightly soaked flannel over me...
36:05..salient features, and...
36:08..and I'd finished my ablutions, I thought,
36:10well, I'll get up, and...
36:13..I couldn't.
36:15Just stuck here, you know, me toe stuck in the hole.
36:18Just stuck in here like a bung in a barrel.
36:22I just don't think I'll ever get it out.
36:24Oh, and you've been like that for three hours,
36:27and, Ron, we didn't even think to bring him up any supper.
36:34You only made it worse, Eth.
36:36Why, Ron?
36:37He was toed in the hole.
36:39LAUGHTER
36:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:47The Let It Soak, Benny Hill!
36:53Oh, Bianca, lovely Bianca...
36:56Now, Bianca Malone weighs 38 stone,
36:59she's got eyes like ristles in the snow.
37:02She's got a blouse and kids, got a big pair of mids,
37:05she can keep the house with one blow.
37:08And when she plays in the sand,
37:10the tide goes out and refuses to come back until she's gone.
37:15She bent down to pick up half a crown,
37:17and we had an eclipse on these songs.
37:23I did see a rather unusual sight the other day,
37:26the electrified fly-catching grill or bug zapper, hmm?
37:29I am the bug zapper, I am the lyrical gangster.
37:34What it is, hmm, the fly flies towards the light,
37:38we've all seen him do it, haven't we?
37:40We've all seen him do it, hmm?
37:42It hits the electrified fly-catching grill and is killed.
37:45Now, I saw a fly the other night flying towards that light,
37:49we've all seen him do it.
37:52About a centimetre from the grill, it had a heart attack.
37:57But the momentum kept it going.
38:01It hit the grill, the electric shock just restarted its little heart.
38:10Thank you, please, all round the room.
38:13That was our band rehearsing.
38:18Hope you enjoyed it.
38:19First prize in the raffle tonight is a diving suit.
38:25First prize in the raffle tonight is a divan suite.
38:33I have to tell you, I felt a little while ago
38:36that I hadn't made enough sacrifices somehow
38:39because I've been given so much.
38:41What have I given?
38:42I often think, that's why I'm here for heaven's sake,
38:44but I thought, what have I given for the conservation of energy, for example?
38:49I thought, I've given nothing, I've done nothing to conserve energy.
38:52And then it hit me, I thought, there's one thing I can do.
38:57I can have Norm taken off his life support system.
39:18Evening, gentlemen.
39:23Have you worked it out yet?
39:30Yeah, always takes me a moment or so, that.
39:32Anyway, from Bernie Clifton,
39:34it's on to that bunch of brand-new outtakes we promised you earlier.
39:38And though we still haven't tracked down the legendary costume drama scene
39:42where a noble lord dismissed his servant with the words,
39:47he didn't lay hands on quite a pleasing assortment.
39:51Good evening, all.
39:53I'm Inspector Jericho of Scotland Yard.
39:56Tonight, you will see one of the most recent cases of mine...
40:00I'm so sorry, can I...?
40:07Hello? All right, it's me.
40:09What? At the factory?
40:12All right, I'll be straight over.
40:14He's only trying to get into the factory.
40:16Oh, not again.
40:17I thought you said he'd changed a lock so that he couldn't get out.
40:20Is he all right?
40:21We're going to have to go and get him.
40:23We're going to have to bring him back.
40:29Let's see if Bicycle is on the tower.
40:32You've won yourself £800, Raymond.
40:37Congratulations!
40:40Ow!
40:42Goodness me!
40:45Everything OK?
40:46Yeah.
40:47I've just been given a third degree by a social worker, that's all.
40:51Why's that?
40:52Oh, about adopting Thomas.
40:54Well, that's not a problem, surely?
40:56Well, you wouldn't think so, would you?
40:58Thomas being Pete's son and Pete being my wife.
41:05I've got these sort of doors, these sort of swing gate things,
41:08and I had my little trolley bag with me and I was trolleying along like that
41:11and I just swung it and I just thumped...
41:13Oh!
41:17What was that?
41:21I do apologise.
41:22You know, that's the danger of cheap jewellery.
41:27Everybody wants friends.
41:31Companions.
41:35Oh, BLEEP, is the spell companions wrong?
41:41I'm going to try to influence you to pick one particular key...
41:43Oh, OK.
41:44..using only the power of mind.
41:45Power of mind, yeah.
41:46OK, right.
41:50Pick me, pick me.
41:51No, anyone you like, seriously.
41:54Not... Oh, OK.
41:57You grab hold of that.
41:58I'm going to lift this up, stick it in there,
42:01and...
42:02I'm not looking forward to this.
42:06Oh, shit.
42:11Oh!
42:14Now, I'm going to try and carefully lift this veneer off the top.
42:18So, if you warm it with an iron,
42:21it will release the glue that's holding the veneer
42:25to the actual framework underneath.
42:27You'll have to hold it on for quite a few minutes,
42:30cos I don't run the iron very hot,
42:32but it will slowly melt the glue.
42:34You should be able to get this one piece off in a few minutes.
42:42No, not enough time on it yet.
42:46But it really helps if you switch the iron on in the first place.
42:55I'll tell you something about outtakes.
42:57Even though I've been chasing after them for nearly 30 years,
43:01I still go along with the actor who said,
43:03all right, I made a mistake.
43:05Everybody makes mistakes.
43:07No-one's inflammable.
43:10It's almost time we were on our way,
43:12but before I take the clipboard back to Ryman's,
43:16and with all my thanks to everybody
43:18for a darn near a lifetime of support and encouragement,
43:21here's our closing funny bit.
43:24And fittingly, it's the piece I most frequently get asked to show again,
43:28Tim Conway and Harvey Korman in that dentist sketch.
43:33OK, novocaine. Here we are, novocaine.
43:35Take a firm hold of the hypodermic needle. Right.
43:39Ah!
43:44There'll be a little bit of pain, and then numbness will set in.
43:48There'll be a little bit of pain, and then numbness will set in.
43:52Ah!
44:14Well, I guess we'll get right to it.
44:23Hey.
44:42I'll just give you a little shot here.
44:53Oh, my God!
45:00Hang on.
45:02We'll be right with you.
45:22Ah!
45:46Ah.
45:48Idiot.
45:52Idiot.
46:08Ah, just a second. Just a second.
46:22Ah!
46:42Ah!
46:52Ah!