This is it -- the final lap. The ultimate determination of which superhero movies are the worst of all time. Everyone has their opinions, but one thing is true: it is scientifically impossible for you to disagree about number one.
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00:00What's up everybody, Griffey here.
00:02We've reached the finale of our worst superhero movies of all time list.
00:06The butthole of superhero cinema looms large above us, and while we're here, we may as
00:10well talk about them.
00:12It's clobberin' time!
00:17Number four, Fanforestick.
00:19What a stupid title, right?
00:21This is not a dirt bike logo.
00:22This is a movie.
00:23Give it a proper title.
00:24So, if you watch all of our videos in this series, you know that this is the second time
00:29the Fantastic Four have appeared on our worst superhero movie list, and they probably could
00:34have appeared a couple more times, right?
00:36This is the franchise that they will not give up on.
00:39I can do this all day.
00:41Yeah, I know.
00:43I know.
00:44These characters, right?
00:45This cast may be the most unlikable cast in the history of superhero films.
00:50There's not a person that you even want to stand in line next to while paying for a soda
00:55at a gas station.
00:57Miles Teller himself, right?
00:59Years away from getting his beach party abs from Top Gun Maverick, right?
01:03Now he's just got creepy, I-blow-things-up-in-my-garage abs, right?
01:07His face is punchable.
01:11Second is The Thing, right?
01:12The Thing is the heart and soul of the Fantastic Four.
01:15He is this big, giant monster, but he has this soft inner core that we love, right?
01:20He is a gentle giant.
01:22Not in this one.
01:23We see him in military action with 43 confirmed kills.
01:28So the Ben Grimm that we know is now just running terrorist operations in third world
01:32countries that we don't even acknowledge who they are?
01:35It's clobbering time to ethics and international treaties, apparently.
01:39Who would have thought that after this movie came out, we would have pined for the days
01:43of 5'6 Michael Chiklis in a rubber suit?
01:47And then Tobey Kepler comes on as Dr. Doom?
01:54S-t-i-n-g.
01:56He's a shut-in.
01:57He looks like all he does is play World of Warcraft and post Reddit comments all day.
02:02And I know he's a villain, but an integral part of what the movie's telling us to do
02:05is believe that they like each other and share laughs.
02:08They don't.
02:09You would never turn your back on this guy.
02:11He's a creep, and he stinks.
02:12And you know what really stinks?
02:14Whatever that costume was.
02:15He kind of looks like a doll that you would order for Japan if you lived in a basement
02:20and never had a girlfriend.
02:21Somehow he just gets a cape in the wasteland, right?
02:24Because he's gotta have a cape.
02:25And he gets kind of unknown superpowers that are useless to the movie, right?
02:29Literally useless.
02:36Even the great Michael B. Jordan, an actor who people love, who exudes charisma in every
02:42single role, manages to be a complete wet noodle.
02:46Who's that uncle that you hate?
02:47That's this movie.
02:48Times four.
02:49No, nay, five.
02:51Five of them, right?
02:52Because only four of them are fan-forestic.
02:54The other one's a bad guy.
02:56There's no energy.
02:57There's no likability.
02:59There's no story.
03:00It's just every single thing that could go wrong in a comic book movie right here.
03:05And there was a kind of now legendary backstory of everyone having all these problems behind
03:10the production, behind the scenes.
03:12Don't care.
03:13No excuse for anything that was on the film.
03:16When you take on the responsibility, great power will come.
03:21Number three, Madam Web.
03:23This is not even a movie, right?
03:26It's not an effects reel.
03:28This is some kind of unusual hodgepodge of the most sickening corporate mind, right?
03:34It's hard to even fathom what they thought this movie was going to be and who they were
03:39making it for.
03:40We start with some kind of cockamamie arachnophobia opening in the jungles, where we're going
03:46to find this spider that's going to cure everything, but really we're going to kill each other
03:49because we're going to get spider powers out of it.
03:52But there's already jungle spider warrior people that could have just stopped the crime
03:57that starts the movie.
03:58There's like 50 of them, and none of them could catch the guy who didn't have spider
04:02powers.
04:03That's a tough place to start your superhero movie.
04:06The other gimmick that Madam Web employs is this kind of horrible time travel vignette,
04:11right?
04:12Wait, wait, wait.
04:13You need to get your oxygen levels.
04:14Again?
04:15What are you talking about?
04:16It is the worst use of time travel ever committed to film.
04:21All it does is they show you a boring, unfulfilling action scene with a generic wish.com spider
04:27person and then they make you watch it twice.
04:30How cruel.
04:32Our lead actress, played by Dakota Johnson, the entire runtime of the movie is heard to
04:36be deciding that she wants to bail on these teenagers so they can get murdered and she
04:39can go back to her unfulfilling existence.
04:43It's so hard to sit in a car with her.
04:45You're so impulsive and entitled and you don't listen.
04:48Here's another basic thing.
04:49If you have superpowers, can't you defeat the door of a Corolla?
04:57What are you supposed to latch onto at any phase of this movie?
05:00Oh, I got it.
05:01Adam Scott is Uncle Ben.
05:04Because all we do in this movie is tiptoe around and mention things that we'd rather
05:08see in an actual Spider-Man movie.
05:11Not this corporate knockoff barnacle bulls**t.
05:14All they did was try to cram in modern stars that we like and not give them anything to
05:19do.
05:20Did you even remember Sidney Sweeney was in this?
05:22I am trying to forget every day.
05:24To even call this a movie is insulting.
05:26This is incomplete homework.
05:28I love what you've done with your hair.
05:31You too.
05:33Number two, X-Men The Last Stand.
05:36Let me start off with a compliment, right?
05:37We're probably desperate for a compliment right now.
05:40My boy, Frasier, Kelsey Grammer, has never looked hotter.
05:44If I were to be in love with a mutant and marry him for life, it would be Dr. Frasier
05:48Crane as the Beast, Hank McCoy, in this movie.
05:51The rest of the movie, being nonstop wire tricks, can't stand.
06:02This movie loves wire swings more than Hugh Jackman's Van Helsing, and that's an incredible
06:07amount.
06:08By the time X-Men Last Stand comes out, we loved this cast.
06:12We loved Hugh Jackman.
06:13We loved Ian McKellen.
06:14We loved these characters.
06:16Enter X-Men Last Stand, which just says, what if we took all of that away from you?
06:22Essentially, the movie centers on the company that creates the cure for the mutant disease.
06:30People start using the cure forcefully to take away mutants' powers.
06:35The other plot that is rushing at this like a horrifying car accident you can't look away
06:39from is Jean Grey miraculously returns from the bottom of the lake where we left her at
06:44the end of X-2 because the Phoenix Force, which is a big deal for X-Men comic book readers,
06:51right?
06:52What, is she just living down there with SpongeBob for a couple years?
06:54They don't talk about that at all.
06:57She just comes back angry, and every time she kisses a boy, they blow up.
07:01That's the story.
07:05And then she finds out that Charles Xavier blocked part of her brain, you know, because
07:09she keeps murdering everyone around her.
07:11What'd she do to him?
07:13Murder him in one of the worst, lamest moments of CG in cinema history.
07:19Ian McKellen looking at Patrick Stewart, right?
07:21After this journey they've been on for three movies.
07:24That's the emotional send-off they get.
07:27And then two minutes later he's like, well, Charles is dead, let's roll.
07:30What?
07:31They have no gravitas in this movie.
07:37Let's talk about the Brotherhood of Mutants, right?
07:40Or as I call them, the kids who bum cigarettes off you by the dumpster.
07:44So we've got Speedster, we've got curly Q-Hair, and then we've got Spike Guy, who at one point
07:50literally hugs a woman and just pops his little spikes out and she dies.
07:57We don't get Nightcrawler.
07:59We hang out again with the gang from Claire's Jewelry down by the Cinnabons, and we took
08:05out Nightcrawler.
08:08Who was asking for that in their X-Men finale?
08:11And I haven't gotten to one of the worst decisions in comic book movie history, the Juggernaut.
08:18The one thing everyone remembers about this movie as much as we've tried to forget it
08:22is I'm the Juggernaut, bitch.
08:24At the end, the Juggernaut is defeated because he loses his power and he runs into a wall.
08:31That's the Juggernaut's fate in this movie.
08:33He runs into a wall.
08:36Which is exactly what it feels like to watch X-Men The Last Stand.
08:44By the end of the film, the entire plot of this movie is rendered irrelevant.
08:49Because Magneto's going to get his powers back, Professor X may be back, and Jean may
08:53be back.
08:54The haunting visage at the thought of having to do this movie again is the one thing I
08:58am thankful to Fox for, is that they mercifully murdered this franchise in its bed.
09:10Number one, Catwoman.
09:11It is impossible that anyone could make a true earnest attempt at the worst comic book
09:17movies ever list and not have Catwoman number one.
09:21The story essentially centers around a very catty Sharon Stone who's mad she's getting
09:25pushed out because she's an aging woman at a makeup company.
09:30Taking so much of this new, highly toxic makeup that it turns her face into marble and she
09:36can't feel.
09:37She's literally a woman made of stone.
09:39Compare that with an even more catty Halle Berry.
09:43She's kind of this lonely woman who just happens to have cats all around her, but Halle Berry
09:47gets to actually pretend that it's hard to fight a 50-some year old woman because she
09:54cannot feel in her cheeks.
09:57The movie never says that she's rubbing Bialin all over all her other bits, right?
10:00Is every part of her hard?
10:02Is every part of her unable to feel?
10:05I don't know.
10:06The movie doesn't get into that.
10:07And so we watch Catwoman struggle to fight a middle-aged woman who doesn't have sensitivity
10:12in her nerves.
10:13That's the story.
10:15This one was supposed to be for the ladies.
10:17And what they said is, man, ladies, don't you want to punch out an older version of
10:21yourself?
10:22Don't you want to fight aging, literally?
10:29There was a thing in this era, right?
10:31These kind of women superhero adjacent characters, right?
10:34Ripley played ball.
10:36Halle Berry played ball.
10:37It's like, how do we show that women are now cool like men?
10:41Sports.
10:42What?
10:43If we show that a woman can hoop, right?
10:45If her jump shot is wet, the male audience will follow, right?
10:49Ending the scene in a full mount, a genuine song, right?
10:53Really getting on it, while young kids cheer at their local boys and girls club, and they're
10:57like, we just want to eat.
10:59What's happening?
11:00It is one of the hardest scenes to watch you'll ever see in a movie.
11:04This one is specifically insulting to the audience they thought they were going to attract.
11:09How about when Catwoman's mad because her neighbors, you know, party.
11:12And Halle Berry flits around the room jumping like a cat.
11:16And just spraying beer on the speakers?
11:19That's a whole scene in this movie.
11:21Halle Berry spraying beers on speakers.
11:23I mean, it sounds not like a movie.
11:26When I describe it, it sounds like this can't be an actual film.
11:29I assure you, it is.
11:31The craziest thing about this movie is we watch this insufferable, insufferable, festering
11:37wound of a movie.
11:39One year later, Batman Begins comes out.
11:42So we can blame the time period, right?
11:44For the horrible graphics, the just blatant sexism.
11:47We can blame the era for that.
11:50But one of the best comic book movies came out, but a calendar year later.
11:54So I really don't think there's any excuse in what we were forced to sit through with Catwoman.
11:59Again, we can argue about which ones don't do everything right from comic to page and
12:04all those classic comic book movie arguments.
12:07There's no debate.
12:08This is the single worst comic book film ever made.
12:13White Russian.
12:14No ice.
12:15Hold the vodka.
12:16Hold the Kahlua.
12:18So that's it.
12:19We've survived the worst comic book movies of all time.
12:22Now we can get back to watching true, underappreciated comic book gems like Batman and Robin, Steel,
12:29the Tim Allen movie Zoom, Jonah Hex, Morbius, a triple feature of Dark Phoenix, Judge Dredd,
12:35and Ghost Rider, Howard the Duck, Spider-Man 3 with Tobey Maguire dancing around, whatever
12:41that was supposed to be.
12:42Why was Topher Grace so small as Venom?