OTR Escapes - Abbott & Costello with Bert Gordon
The Abbott and Costello Show is a comedy program from the era of old-time radio in the United States. It was broadcast first on NBC and later on ABC, beginning on July 3, 1940 and ending on June 9, 1949.
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00:00The Abbott and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in
00:17the service.
00:18Camels stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world.
00:22Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes, tonight's
00:28special guest, Bert Gordon, the mad Russian of radio and starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
00:35Hey, Abbott!
00:37Well, Costello, here it is, the last program of 1943 and you're late again.
00:48Now, now, where have you been?
00:49Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me.
00:51No.
00:52Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for Christmas present and the dog just took a great big
00:56bite out of me.
00:57Where did he bite you?
00:58Well, if I'd have been wearing a license plate, he'd have got the last three numbers.
01:05Where did this happen?
01:06Well, let me see now.
01:07Where did this happen?
01:08In a crowded streetcar.
01:09It's the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
01:14Look, uh, no, never mind that.
01:18What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
01:20Well, do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
01:22Yes, I remember Strongheart.
01:23Well, this was his brother, Weak Stomach.
01:27Listen, I'm not talking about that.
01:30Well, what does the dog breathe?
01:31What does it breathe?
01:32Yes.
01:33He breathes to his nose like you and me.
01:35No, no, no, you dummy.
01:36What type of a dog is he?
01:38A spit?
01:39No, but he drools a little.
01:42Look, there are different types of dogs, such as setters and pointers.
01:46That's it, Abbott.
01:47That's what he is.
01:48He's a setter pointer.
01:49A setter pointer.
01:50Yes, he sits all day and points at the icebox.
01:57Hey, that's the dog now, Abbott.
02:00He's out in the hall.
02:01Come on, Roper.
02:02Come on, Roper.
02:03Come on in the door.
02:08I said come in the door, not through the door.
02:14Like Costello.
02:16Lou, this is a wonderful dog.
02:19Yeah.
02:20Listen to him.
02:21It's my luck to get a dog with asthma.
02:24Now, cut that out.
02:25I'm going to show you how to handle dogs.
02:27Come here, Roper.
02:28Tell me, how much is one and one?
02:31Did you hear that, Costello?
02:33I missed it. I was here.
02:34I'll try again.
02:35Roper, how much is two and two?
02:39I told you he was a smart dog.
02:41I'm going to see if he's really smart, Abbott.
02:42Roper, what time is it?
02:45Quarter to four.
02:54Costello, isn't that the most wonderful thing you ever heard of?
02:57A talking dog.
02:58A talking dog.
02:59Wait till I get the phone.
03:00Hello?
03:01Yes?
03:02What?
03:03Oh, you don't think so, eh?
03:04Okay, smarty.
03:05Goodbye.
03:06How do you like that, Abbott?
03:07That was a friend of mine.
03:08He doesn't think there's anything wonderful about a talking dog.
03:10Who's your friend?
03:11Oh, just a horse.
03:16Come in and make it funny.
03:18It's costing camels a lot of money.
03:23Oh, it's Ken Niles.
03:25Well, if it isn't the spirit of 76 pounds.
03:30Oh, yeah? Look who's talking.
03:32Listen, fat boy.
03:33Why don't you unbutton your vest and open up a second front?
03:38Very funny, Skinny. Very funny.
03:40Now, Costello, Ken Niles is not skinny.
03:42He's not skinny, eh?
03:43He once worked in an olive factory.
03:44He used to crawl through the olive and pull the pimento in after him.
03:49But pay no attention to Costello, Ken.
03:51I'm ashamed of him.
03:52He doesn't even appreciate the wonderful dog your wife gave him for Christmas.
03:55Yeah, and what's more, he didn't even thank her for it.
03:57Oh, yes, I did.
03:58I even kissed your wife on top of her head.
04:00Why didn't you kiss her on the lips?
04:01Her head is much smoother.
04:05Oh, I heard that remark, Costello.
04:07Why, I ought to give you a thrashing, you little shrimp.
04:09Me? A shrimp?
04:11Yes, you're a shrimp.
04:12You only come up to my chin.
04:14Which one?
04:17Oh!
04:18Oh, Costello, are you suggesting that I look old?
04:21Oh, don't look now, but your social security slip is showing.
04:27Costello, how could you talk like that to Mrs. Niles after the nice present she gave you for Christmas?
04:31When you gave her nothing.
04:32Oh, I don't know why you'd say nothing.
04:33Didn't I give her a picture?
04:34Get her picture published in a paper?
04:36Yes, and look where they put it.
04:37In the racing news.
04:40Well, ain't that the dope sheet?
04:44Oh, just look at this picture.
04:45Read what it says under it.
04:46Oh, I don't think that...
04:47Oh, look what it says.
04:48This snag showed great promise as a three-year-old, but is now running in cheap company.
04:55Costello, that's an insult.
04:56It most certainly is, and I'm leaving.
04:58Then take the dog Rover with you.
04:59Every time he looks at me, he bites me.
05:00Oh, that's silly.
05:01Rover hasn't got a tooth in his mouth.
05:03I know that.
05:04They're all in my leg.
05:06Oh, you can't talk that way about Rover.
05:08Why, I love that little dog almost as much as I do Kenneth.
05:11Even more.
05:12You gave him a longer leash.
05:15Come on, Rover.
05:16I'm taking you home.
05:17And don't even look at Mr. Costello.
05:21Get out of here.
05:23Albert, he bit me again.
05:27Take your foot out of Rover's mouth.
05:29You're trying to choke him.
05:33Costello.
05:34Costello, leave that dog alone.
05:36He won't leave me.
05:37That's the last straw, Costello.
05:39Just because you don't like me, you're trying to choke poor Rover.
05:42You'll regret this.
05:43I'll drag you through every court in the land.
05:45I'll even take you to the Supreme Court.
05:47And I'll stand before the judge and tell him I'm sorry.
05:49And when the judge looks into my face, what do you think he'll say?
06:05Come on, Costello.
06:06Let's get busy.
06:07Come on.
06:08Let's get busy.
06:09Mrs. Niles.
06:10Come on.
06:11Let's get busy.
06:12Mrs. Niles will be here soon with a warrant for your arrest for choking that dog.
06:14Albert, I've told you before now.
06:15I didn't choke the dog.
06:16He bit me.
06:17I know that, but you'll need a lawyer.
06:19Now, we've got to find a good barrister.
06:21A what?
06:22Don't you know what a barrister is?
06:23Oh, yeah.
06:24I used to slide down a barrister when I was a kid.
06:26Now, don't be silly.
06:27A barrister is a legal expert.
06:29The greatest barrister of all times was Gladstone.
06:31I suppose you've never heard of Gladstone.
06:33Oh, sonny, I heard of Gladstone.
06:34My uncle had Gladstones, but he had to have them cut out.
06:37How can you talk nonsense when you may have to face a...
06:40Listen.
06:41Will you listen to me, please?
06:42Yeah.
06:43How can you talk all this nonsense when you may have to face a lawsuit for thousands of dollars?
06:46And where do you expect to get the money?
06:48Why do you say, where do you expect to get the money?
06:50You know where I expect to get the money.
06:51What do you mean?
06:52You're going to help me out.
06:53How can I help you?
06:54I'm a pauper.
06:55A pauper?
06:56Congratulations.
06:57What is it, a boy or a girl?
06:58Never mind that.
06:59I'd still like to know where you're going to get the money.
07:01Now, Albert, you know I've got the money coming.
07:03Now, this is the end of the year.
07:05No more after this.
07:06What do you mean?
07:07You know, 365 days in a year.
07:08Well, I know that.
07:09I'm working for you, and you owe me a whole year's salary.
07:12Wait a minute.
07:13365 days for $365.
07:14Wait a minute.
07:15You owe me a dollar a day.
07:16Just a minute.
07:17Let's straighten this out.
07:18Pay me up.
07:19Just a minute.
07:20You say you work 365 days for me, and you want to be reimbursed.
07:21Look, I don't want to burst anything.
07:23Just give me my money, 365 bucks, I'll get out.
07:27Hand over some of those Morgenthau match notes.
07:30All right, look.
07:32Now, don't get excited.
07:33Take it easy.
07:34Now, listen.
07:35How many hours a day did you work?
07:36Eight hours a day.
07:37And how many hours are there in a day?
07:38Look, now, Albert, don't try to put anything over on me.
07:40There's 24 hours in a day, all but February, which has 28.
07:44You're absolutely right.
07:46There are 24 hours in a day.
07:47But by working eight hours a day, you really only work one-third of each day.
07:51Is that right?
07:52That's according to the way you figure it.
07:53Well, one-third of 365 is about $121.
07:57So you actually only have $121 coming to you.
08:00That's the way I reckon it.
08:01You sure are reckoning.
08:04Come on, get it up.
08:05Give me the dough.
08:06Well, you did have $121 coming to you, but...
08:09I knew there was a button.
08:10But you didn't work Sundays, did you?
08:12No.
08:13I had to take a day off to wash my lingerie.
08:16All right, there are 52 Sundays in a year.
08:18Deduct 52 from $121, which leaves $69 coming to you.
08:23You're sure of that?
08:24Positive.
08:25You see, I don't want you to cheat yourself.
08:27Now, that's mighty nice of you to look out for my interests.
08:30I might as well look out for yours.
08:32You already wrecked mine.
08:35Come on, Abbott, give me the money.
08:36Get up something, will you?
08:37All right, I'd be glad to give you the $69, but...
08:40Oh, hold on to your hats.
08:41Here we go again.
08:42Look, Abbott, give me a couple of dollars.
08:44How's that?
08:45Well, you must admit you only worked a half a day on Saturdays.
08:48Isn't that right, partner?
08:49Partner?
08:50Not that I'm losing money.
08:51I'm a partner.
08:52Look, will you give me a dollar?
08:54I'll settle.
08:55Give me a half a buck.
08:56Now, wait a minute.
08:57Wait a minute, just a second.
08:58Just a minute.
08:59Now, wait a minute.
09:00Where was I?
09:01Yes, yes.
09:02A half a day on Saturdays, 52 Saturdays in a year.
09:04One half of 52 is 26.
09:07So, you will deduct 26 from 69, leaving the sum of $43.
09:12Sum of?
09:13Yes, sum of.
09:14If I get sum of it, I'll be lucky.
09:16Look, Abbott, give me a quarter.
09:18Will you let me have a quarter?
09:19Give me 20 cents.
09:20Well, now, wait a minute.
09:21I'm going out of here with something.
09:22Now, wait a minute, just a minute.
09:23There's still a balance of $43, but...
09:26Stop butting.
09:27You're getting my goat.
09:29But you took a two-weeks vacation, didn't you?
09:31Oh, yeah, yeah.
09:32That's 14 days.
09:33Take 14 from $43, leaving you the exact sum of $29.
09:38Look, Abbott, will you give me a dime?
09:40Is that asking too much?
09:42Will you give me...
09:43Give me anything.
09:44Listen, I'd give you the $29, but...
09:46Now, I know it as good as you do.
09:49How much time did you take off for lunch?
09:50Oh, this is going to run into money.
09:52I took off one hour a day.
09:53Very well.
09:54365 hours is equal to 15 days, I take it.
09:57You might as well take it.
09:58You've taken everything else.
10:00Hey!
10:0115 for $29 and 14 for...
10:03Now, I know it better than you do.
10:05Look, Abbott, give me...
10:06Will you give me a nickel?
10:07What do you mean?
10:08Give me four pennies.
10:09What do you mean, give you four pennies?
10:11Look, can you spare a rat biscuit?
10:13Now, listen.
10:15Maybe you've got an odd mothball.
10:17A mothball?
10:18Look, is it asking...
10:19Give me a sardine.
10:20Go ahead.
10:21Mrs. Niles is going to have me in a can anyway.
10:24Just a minute.
10:25Just a minute.
10:26Now, let's straighten this thing out.
10:27There are 13 holidays in the year which you didn't work.
10:30And as you only have $14 coming to you,
10:32we deduct the 13 from the 14,
10:34leaving you the exact sum of $1.
10:36Here you are, my dear friend, and good luck to you.
10:38Nice work, Abbott.
10:39I need money for a lawyer
10:40because Mrs. Niles is going to throw me in jail,
10:42and you're giving me only a dollar.
10:43Let's have no more words about it.
10:45One measly dollar after I worked and slaved for you for a whole year.
10:48I always pay my obligations.
10:50Here's your dollar.
10:51I wouldn't mind, Abbott.
10:53I wouldn't care if it was just for me alone.
10:55I need more than a dollar.
10:57I got another mouth to feed.
10:59Now, listen.
11:00Your troubles are not my...
11:01Wait a minute.
11:02You what?
11:03I have another mouth to feed.
11:05Another mouth to feed?
11:06You never told me that.
11:08I know it.
11:09Why, you've been with me all this time, Costello,
11:10and now you tell me you have another mouth to feed?
11:13I didn't want Winchell to hear it.
11:16Why didn't you tell me that before?
11:18I was ashamed.
11:19Oh, you fortunate fellow.
11:21That's nothing to be ashamed of.
11:22I was only kidding about the other money.
11:24Here.
11:25Here's your $365.
11:27And to show you that my heart's in the right place,
11:29here's $50 of my own.
11:31You should be so happy.
11:33What is it?
11:34A boy or a girl?
11:35A goldfish.
11:36Get out of here!
11:45Costello!
11:46Costello, where are you?
11:47Here I am, Abbott!
11:49Listen, Mrs. Niles will be here any minute at the place you want to arrest.
11:52But don't worry.
11:53I hired a lawyer to defend you.
11:54I got my own personal mouthpiece.
11:56You mean your wife?
11:57No, no.
12:00When I say mouthpiece,
12:01I mean someone who argues,
12:03shoots off his mouth,
12:04and lays down the law.
12:05That's still your wife.
12:08There.
12:09There's the man who took my dog,
12:10that little fat one.
12:11This is Oliver Storchese of the Animal Aid Society.
12:14Mr. Storchese, arrest that man.
12:15Very well, Mr. Costello, you're under arrest.
12:17What's that?
12:18Come with me.
12:19I won't.
12:20Oh, darn it.
12:21Nobody ever wants to come along.
12:24Now, leave us face it.
12:25You either come with me,
12:26or pay the usual fine of one dollar.
12:28Oh, just a dollar.
12:29Did you hear that, Abbott?
12:30I can get out of the whole thing for a dollar.
12:32Here you are, Mr. Storchese.
12:33I'd be glad to get a...
12:34Just a minute, Costello.
12:35Paying that money would be an admission of your guilt.
12:38Shut up, Abbott.
12:39Now, wait a minute.
12:40Just a minute.
12:41I hired a lawyer for you.
12:42After all...
12:43I can get out of this for a dollar, Abbott.
12:44Just a minute.
12:45I've hired your lawyer.
12:46He's an outstanding member of the bar,
12:47a learned counselor,
12:48and an expert at jurisprudence.
12:50His very voice has been known to spellbite in a jury.
12:53I can hear him now say...
12:55How do you do?
13:02Costello, this is your attorney,
13:04Bert Gordon, the mad Russian.
13:06Gentlemen, my God.
13:07Let me read that.
13:08Bert Gordon, attorney at law.
13:10D.B.T.C.
13:11What does a D.B.T.C. mean?
13:13Don't bend the card.
13:16Listen, Costello.
13:17The Russian's going to give you some advice.
13:19Now, that is correct.
13:20Mr. Castoria, there are...
13:25There are two courses in giving legal advice.
13:28F course and B course.
13:30F course, you don't have to take my advice.
13:33And B course, if you do,
13:35you'll have to pay for it.
13:38Hey, Abbott, this guy ain't no lawyer.
13:40Don't say that.
13:41Bert, don't say.
13:43When I went to college,
13:44they gave me a five-better-cap-a-key.
13:47Does it fit the hole in your head?
13:48Does it fit the hole in your head?
13:50Please, Costello.
13:52He's no college man.
13:53Mine dear you.
13:55I'll have you understand.
13:57I went to Vassar.
13:58Vassar's a...
13:59That's a school for girls.
14:00A girl's school.
14:01I found it out one day
14:02when I was supporting the laundry.
14:07Now, see here, Mr. Costello.
14:09Get me another lawyer.
14:11A cheaper one.
14:13Mr. Costello, I'm waiting.
14:14Are you going to pay the fine
14:15of one dollar or not?
14:16Okay, here's your dollar,
14:17store chief.
14:18Just a minute, Mr. Cansmellow.
14:22I forbid you to pay
14:23that particular dollar.
14:25Well, he's very fortunate
14:26to get off with just a dollar
14:27after the way he insulted me.
14:29Well, he choked my little dog
14:30and tear ran down my cheek.
14:32Yes, ma'am.
14:33It took one look at your face
14:34and ran right back up again.
14:37Costello, why don't you
14:38listen to the Russian?
14:39Yes, why not?
14:40You see,
14:41from the legal point of view,
14:43if you should pay this dollar,
14:44it would be absolutely
14:45perpendicular.
14:46Perpendicular?
14:47What does that mean?
14:48How dare you?
14:51Oh, this is ridiculous.
14:52Come, Mr. Store Chief.
14:53We're taking this case to court.
14:54Wait a minute.
14:55Wait a minute, Mrs. Niles.
14:56I'm going to pay the dollar.
14:57It's too late.
15:00Now, look what you did, Abbott.
15:02You and your phony lawyer.
15:03Don't be silly.
15:04The Russian's one of the greatest
15:05lawyers in the world.
15:06That is correct.
15:07In my first case,
15:08I defended Dreyfus.
15:09Dreyfus?
15:10Alfred Dreyfus of Devil's Island?
15:12No, Reckless Dreyfus
15:13from Coney Island.
15:17Say, uh,
15:18Mr. Castile.
15:22Don't, uh,
15:23don't worry about a thing
15:24when I'm here.
15:25I'm a great intellectual.
15:26My stock in trade is brains.
15:28You got a funny-looking
15:29sample case.
15:31Now, stop those remarks, Castello.
15:33Get a load of his ears.
15:34What's wrong with them?
15:35Looks like the winner's
15:36blowing from his back.
15:39That's very funny.
15:40Very funny?
15:41Yeah.
15:42You think it's funny?
15:43Yeah.
15:44Didn't I see you
15:45didn't I see you
15:46flying over Pomona?
15:47No, it was Glendale.
15:49What happened?
15:50Oh, what happened?
15:51It didn't happen to our dog.
15:53Logan,
15:54will you please take this
15:55dollar, Russian?
15:56Get down to the court
15:57and settle the case?
15:58Over my dead body.
15:59Remember the words
16:00of that old saying.
16:01Haste makes.
16:02Go ahead.
16:03There's more.
16:06Well, come on, Castello.
16:07Let's get down to the court
16:08and fight this case.
16:09We'll win in no time.
16:16Court of comment, please.
16:17Now in session.
16:18Case of Niles versus Castello.
16:19Mr. Gordon may question
16:20the defendant.
16:21Thank you, Your Honor.
16:22Now, Mr. Cantelio,
16:27do you promise
16:28to tell the truth,
16:29the whole truth
16:30and nothing but the truth?
16:31I do.
16:32I object.
16:35You object?
16:36I didn't say nothing yet.
16:37Castello, shut up.
16:38You keep out of this.
16:39Abbott, get me out of here,
16:40will you?
16:41Will you pay the dollar?
16:42Your Honor,
16:43you have heard the testimony.
16:45How can you call
16:46my client guilty?
16:47But I didn't call him guilty.
16:48Then why are you
16:49wasting my time?
16:52The court finds
16:53the defendant, Lu Castello,
16:54guilty and the fine
16:55is $1.30.
16:56We won't pay the fine, Castello.
16:57No, we'll appeal
16:58the case to a higher court.
17:00I got plenty time.
17:02You just got some
17:03for me, too.
17:05Abbott, will you please
17:06give the man a dollar?
17:07Please give him a dollar.
17:15The Supreme Court
17:16now in session.
17:17First case,
17:18Niles v. Castello.
17:19Prisoner will step to the bar.
17:27Castello,
17:28are the chains heavy?
17:30No.
17:31Would you mind
17:32holding this hundred-pound ball?
17:34Abbott,
17:35get me out of this.
17:37Please
17:38pay that
17:39one
17:40measly dollar.
17:42Order in the court.
17:43Order in the court.
17:44Remember,
17:45I am justice.
17:46And I'm justice, too.
17:48Justice who?
17:49Just as good as you are.
17:51You can't speak
17:52that way to me, young man.
17:53I've been sitting on this
17:54bench for 20 years.
17:56Oh, just naturally lazy, eh?
17:58Wait!
17:59Wait!
18:00Let me handle this case.
18:01Mr. Castello,
18:07please tell the judge
18:08and jury the story
18:09of your life.
18:10Okay.
18:11Ladies and gentlemen,
18:12That's enough.
18:14What a short life!
18:16Your Honor,
18:17my client would never
18:18hurt a dog.
18:19Mr. Corniello,
18:23tell the judge
18:24about your own little dog.
18:26Okay.
18:27I once had a little dog.
18:29Did he have
18:30long, wavy hair?
18:31Uh-huh.
18:32And did he have
18:33a cold nose?
18:35Uh-huh.
18:36And did he have
18:37very big ears?
18:38Oh, yes.
18:39Bop it!
18:40That is
18:43true.
18:54Your Honor,
18:55I would like...
19:01Your Honor,
19:02I would like to ask
19:03my client just one question.
19:04Request granted.
19:06Mr. Castellanos,
19:09tell me something.
19:10Where were you
19:11on April 23rd, 1943?
19:12I was home.
19:13You should have been with me.
19:14I had a wonderful time.
19:16The defense rests.
19:17Alcatraz,
19:18here I come!
19:21The court has considered
19:22the new evidence in this case.
19:23Prisoner Castellanos,
19:24when you placed your foot
19:25in the dog's mouth,
19:26you gave him hydrophobia,
19:28after which he bit
19:29two people who died
19:30immediately.
19:31Therefore,
19:32new Castellanos,
19:33you are found guilty of murder
19:34in the second degree,
19:35and it is the sentence
19:36of this court
19:37that you shall spend
19:38the rest of your natural life
19:39on the rock pile.
19:42Abbott,
19:43please!
19:44Pay the dollar!
19:54Right this way, gentlemen.
19:55Only five minutes
19:56with the prisoner.
19:57Hey, Abbott,
19:58get me out of here!
19:59Castello, listen.
20:00We've got some news for you.
20:01Absolutely.
20:02I just came from the capital.
20:03I saw the governor.
20:04What did he say?
20:05Pay the dollar!
20:07That's what I've been
20:08trying to tell you!
20:09Now, now,
20:10Mrs. Niles,
20:11what are you doing here?
20:12Well, Mrs. Storchies
20:13and I went to the governor,
20:14paid the dollar,
20:15and now everything's
20:16all straightened out.
20:17Castello, you're a free man.
20:19Gee, the only friend I got.
20:20Thanks, Mrs. Niles.
20:21Yes, Castello,
20:22we're sorry it all happened.
20:23So as a surprise,
20:24we brought a friend
20:25of yours to see you.
20:26Say hello to Mr. Castello,
20:27Rover.
20:28Rover?
20:29Abbott!
20:30Castello!
20:31Castello, you...
20:32He bit me again!
20:33Castello, you...
20:34He bit me!
20:35You've got your foot
20:36in the dog's mouth!
20:37You're joking, Rover, again!
20:38Castello, you're under arrest!
20:39That'll cost you a dollar!
20:40Don't pay the fine!
20:41We'll take you
20:42to the highest court!
20:43Here we go again!
20:44Let me out of here!
20:47Get me out of here!
20:49Get me!
20:50Pay the dollar!
20:52Thanks, Ken.
20:53We're a little late,
20:54so I'll just say good night
20:56and a happy New Year
20:57to you all.
21:07Be sure to tune in
21:08for another great
21:09Abbott & Castello show
21:10next week at the same time
21:11when our guest will be
21:12Judy Canova.
21:13And remember,
21:14if you're looking
21:15for a cigarette
21:16that won't go flat
21:17no matter how many you smoke,
21:18get Camel's.
21:19More flavor
21:20helps Camel's
21:21hold up pack after pack.
21:22And now, this is Ken Niles
21:23wishing you all
21:24a very pleasant holiday
21:25from Hollywood.