League of Legends Review | 4K Edition™ - video Dailymotion

SsethTzeentach

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Transcript

00:00Hey, hey people, Seph here.

00:01What is a League of Legends?

00:03That's a very good question.

00:04On the surface, it's a MOBA, which is still popular,

00:07despite most games ending after top or mid feeds free kills.

00:10A snowball of mistakes which start the moment you begin queuing.

00:13Win or lose, the only victory is choosing not to play.

00:16Each day, I leave a dirty dish on the counter.

00:18Each day, I come back and the ants establish a new silk road

00:21to carry my table scraps.

00:23League players are much the same.

00:25They're conditioned for abuse and return to their abuser without fail

00:28because they're going to change for real this time.

00:31Door dashing, a bottom-friendly diet, prepares the League player

00:34for a lifetime of incontinence as they get shafted daily by Riot Games.

00:38Kumklot going up my brain, I'm gonna die,

00:40are the last words of each individual that subjugates their white matter to League.

00:44Their lifeless body is found at the computer and their parents cry

00:48as they explain to the coroner that the purple-skinned midget dwarves

00:51their son was fapping to was, in fact,

00:53popular characters Lulu and Tristana from League of Legends.

00:56And this will be your fate, should you ignore my warnings.

00:59The big question on everyone's mind, is Dota 2 better than-

01:03Yes, yes it is.

01:04Then again, this is a comparison between playing with emotionally unstable Germans

01:08and whoever hasn't been conscripted to the front lines.

01:11They're not playing to win, they're playing to forget

01:13because this is their last solo queue before getting deployed to Donbass.

01:16Additionally, every dollar spent on League is a dollar spent

01:19on the 2027 reunification of Chinese Taipei.

01:22Every dollar spent on Dota is another calorie consumed by Gabe Newell.

01:27But you'll never play that because all the female bot lane characters are in League

01:30and you'll continue in the hopes of finding a mentally unstable e-girl

01:34with borderline personality disorder,

01:36so her insane demonic genes may combine with your autism.

01:39You will flood the earth with your autistic nonverbal offspring.

01:43The meek shall inherit bronze free,

01:45which by that point will be even lower and the average rank will be Driftwood 5.

01:49Son, I have a confession to make.

01:51I invested your entire trust fund into BasedGroperCoin

01:54and unfortunately, I lost everything.

01:56Luckily, I still had 500 bucks to buy the new Faker Ahri skin.

02:00Please, don't rope yourself.

02:02Think of how much rope I'm gonna be shooting

02:03when your diabetic mother cosplays her at PAX East.

02:07Unfortunately, we're in debt and I'm forced to sell you off to a wealthy,

02:10charismatic homosexual.

02:11Please, forgive me in the same way that I've already forgiven myself.

02:15You couldn't understand the philosophy of his company by seeing which champions they release.

02:19After all, they know their audience.

02:21Women for the porn-sick gooners,

02:23women for the e-kittens dating them,

02:25and children for Jax players.

02:27Why even spend money on gifting your e-girl skins

02:30when you can save 80% by lacing her drinking water with fluoxetine for the same effect?

02:35I have a theory about League and it pertains to all mainstream multiplayer games.

02:39Chat filters in moderation don't fix the problem.

02:42They only serve to stifle the Ahrian spirit.

02:44Now, everyone's become a little tattletale skirting around the rules,

02:48trying to infuriate you so they can send their epic report to Daddy Riot.

02:52You know what this makes you?

02:53You're the same as that one kid who cries to the principal,

02:56snitches get stitches,

02:57and if it were up to me,

02:58we'd take you to Birmingham and stone you to death in Sharia Court.

03:01You cannot suppress the human condition.

03:04We are the sons of the retards you could not lobotomize.

03:07Similarly, Vanguard doesn't prevent cheating.

03:10The only purpose of it is for Xi Shu Hong Xue,

03:13intern at Riot Games,

03:14to push a bad update and destroy my computer.

03:16You know how you cheat in this game?

03:18You make a smurf,

03:19and then you're at a level playing field because everyone else made one before you.

03:22At this point, there's no such thing as a new player,

03:25only a Yasuo main who can't leave silver.

03:27Despite this, Riot will never do anything,

03:30which is probably for the best,

03:31as any decision they've ever taken is always the worst.

03:34Come back in a few years when surrender votes start at 10 minutes,

03:37and simply thinking of a racial slur activates Vanguard.

03:41League is an ontological anchor in time.

03:43We represent our lives not in years,

03:45but as a motion before and after quitting League.

03:48Tyler1 got perma-banned,

03:50now he's a father.

03:51Videogamedunkey banned himself,

03:53now he's pregnant.

03:54I got 30-day chat restricted.

03:55Now, I take subcutaneous clitoral injections of 5cc trenbolone,

03:59and I've never felt better.

04:01League is the demi-urge.

04:03To break out of this asylum,

04:04you must realize there is no lock or key,

04:07and we may simply walk away.

04:10Despite my critique, there is a purpose to League.

04:12It's the best psychological evaluation out there.

04:15Forget the MBTI or whatever.

04:17We need to conduct job interviews by making the applicant play League of Legends.

04:21Everything you need to know about a person's character,

04:23you'll learn from watching Ranked Solo Q,

04:26and make sure he's playing a support.

04:28If your friendship can withstand League,

04:30it's already tested,

04:31and we stand as brothers.

04:32I rendered this in 4K on my MacBook Pro.

04:35Hopefully, the extra effort comes through.

04:37The personal computer is a modern manifestation of Solomon's Temple.

04:41Leaving a pulmonary embolism on Google servers

04:44is the least I can do.

04:45Initially, I thought a lot of people complaining about audio were audiophiles.

04:49These are people who molest music instead of children.

04:52It is my unfortunate discovery that after five years of doing this full-time,

04:56that I have been recording audio with an XLR microphone

05:00without installing any drivers.

05:02However, like a mama bird vomiting my regurgitated food into your mouth,

05:06I know what you truly need.

05:08So, it has been unfortunate for the listener that I must inform you,

05:11I've uninstalled them,

05:12and have no intention of getting better.

05:15In fact, I'll make it worse.

05:16As always, more content to come, so stay tuned.

05:19A warm thanks to the many members of the Merchant's Guild,

05:22gang-stalking my enemies until they die.

05:24You're all truly wonderful.

05:26I have no idea who these men are,

05:28and I'm not complicit in any crimes.

05:30Your honor, have a good one.

League of Legends Review | 4K Edition™

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