Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 3 Episode 13 The Zeppo
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TVTranscript
00:00Obscurate nos non duties.
00:29Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
01:00no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
01:02no."
01:02I think that was the last!
01:03Oh, Will, are you okay?
01:07Yeah, I'm fine. This shaking is a side effect of the fear.
01:13Well, if it wasn't for that clouding spell...
01:18Yeah, it went good. Nothing melted like last time.
01:23These babes were wicked rowdy. What's their deal?
01:26Which one of you?
01:27Annie?
01:28Most of my sources have dried up since the counsellors relieved me of my duties.
01:36I was aware that there was a nest here, but quite frankly I expected it to be vampires.
01:41These are new.
01:42And improved.
01:44Yes, well, I'm sorry. I should have had you better prepared, and I should never have allowed Willow and, uh...
01:51and, uh...
01:54Come on.
01:57I'm good.
01:59We're fine.
02:02Just a little bit dirty.
02:04Good job, everyone.
02:06Just great.
02:08I think we have a hit.
02:10Are you okay?
02:12Tipped up.
02:14Really.
02:15If anyone sees my spine laying around, just try not to step on it.
02:19Xander, one of these days you're gonna get yourself hurt.
02:22Or killed.
02:23Or both.
02:25And, you know, with the pain and then the death.
02:28Maybe you shouldn't be leaping into the fray like that.
02:31Maybe you should be fray adjacent.
02:34Excuse me?
02:36Who at a crucial moment distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?
02:41Yeah, that was real manly how you shrieked and all.
02:44I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.
02:47Uh, what should we do with the trio here?
02:49Should we burn them?
02:50I brought marshmallows.
02:54Occasionally, I'm callous and strange.
02:57I expect we can leave them.
03:00I'm more interested in finding out what they are and whether we can expect more of their kind.
03:05I hope not. They're way too fit.
03:09I say bring them on.
03:11Xander, I think in the future perhaps it would be best if you hung back to the rear of the battle for your own sake.
03:20But gee, Mr. White.
03:22If Clark could always get all the good stories, I'll never be a good reporter.
03:27Jimmy Olsen jokes are pretty much gonna be lost on you, huh?
03:30Sorry.
03:31It's okay.
03:41I'm sorry.
03:42I'm sorry.
03:43I'm sorry.
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07:33Cool.
07:34Look it up.
07:35It's something that a subliterate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has and you don't.
07:47There was no part of that that wasn't fun.
07:55But it's just that it's bugging me.
07:58This cool thing.
08:00I mean, what is it?
08:03How do you get it?
08:05Who doesn't have it?
08:06And who decides who doesn't have it?
08:09What is the essence of cool?
08:13Not sure.
08:15I mean, you yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool.
08:19Why is that?
08:21Am I?
08:22Is it about the talking?
08:24You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, noncommittal phrases?
08:29Could be.
08:31No.
08:32You're in a band.
08:34That's like a business class ticket to cool with complimentary mojo after takeoff.
08:39I gotta learn an instrument.
08:41Is it hard to play guitar?
08:43Not the way I play it.
08:44Okay, but on the other hand, eighth grade, I'm taking the flugelhorn and getting zero trim.
08:49So the whole instrument thing could be a mislead.
08:53But you need a thing.
08:55One thing nobody else has.
08:58What do I have?
09:00An exciting new obsession, which I feel makes you very special.
09:05Now with the mocking, which I can handle because I know I'm right about this,
09:11I'm on the track.
09:14Just need to find my thing.
09:17It seems like you're overthinking it.
09:19I mean, you got some identity issues. It's not...
09:21The end of the world?
09:23Can they do that?
09:25They seem fairly committed.
09:28The Sisterhood of Shea.
09:31An apocalypse cult.
09:33They exist solely to bring about the world's destruction.
09:37And we've not seen the last of them.
09:39More will follow.
09:40And they're here in Sunnydale for what?
09:42Demon Expo?
09:44Buffett, this is no laughing matter.
09:46Hence my no laughing.
09:49I'm sorry.
09:51I know I'm no longer your official watcher, but...
09:57Hey.
09:59Hey.
10:01You're cutting in a bit close.
10:04Well, you know me.
10:12Well, do we know why they're here?
10:14I think so.
10:16Based on some artifacts that I found with them and...
10:21Taking into account the current astral cycle...
10:25Giles, I don't need to see the map.
10:34They intend to open the Hellmouth.
10:39The Hellmouth.
10:41The one that opens...
10:43About 20 feet from where you're standing.
10:56No!
11:00And if it opens?
11:02Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I died?
11:05Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing.
11:12In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.
11:20Well, it'll be the first to come out.
11:22And Giles says it won't be the worst by a long shot.
11:26The world will be overrun with demons if we don't stop it.
11:30Do we know when this is supposed to happen?
11:33Giles is trying to narrow it down.
11:36If you're up for it, we're heading into deep research mode.
11:40I'd be offended if you haven't already counted me in.
11:44Thanks, Will.
11:46There's something about this one that scares me.
11:50I need my willow.
11:52You don't have to be afraid.
11:55You girls need a lift?
12:00What is this?
12:02What do you mean, what is it?
12:04It's my thing.
12:06Your thing?
12:08My thing.
12:10Is this a penis metaphor?
12:13It's my thing that makes me cool.
12:15You know, that makes me unique.
12:17I'm a car guy, a guy with a car.
12:20How can you afford it?
12:22Uncle Rory, stack of felines, let me rent this bad boy until he's mobile again?
12:30Well, it's nice.
12:33Could you sound a little less enthused?
12:36Sorry, evil.
12:38Big?
12:39Biggest.
12:40Maybe more than I can handle.
12:43Then we'll handle it together.
12:45You know I'm here for you.
12:47Just tell me what I can do.
12:50I'll take two glazed, two cinnamon, a couple cream-filled, and a jelly.
12:55No, no, let's round that out to four jellies.
12:57Ooh, some evil going on.
12:59Must be big for them to entrust you with this daredevil mission.
13:03Pretty high, yeah.
13:05Feel free to drop dead of a wasting disease in the next 20 seconds.
13:08Ooh, again, I strike the nerve.
13:11I am the surgeon in the...
13:12I'm kind of busy right now, okay?
13:14Right, Buffy needs your help.
13:16Can you say expendable?
13:18You think you know everything.
13:20I think I knew you.
13:22That's a laugh.
13:24Oh, what, you got a shiny car and now you're someone new?
13:27Like anybody even cares about.
13:29Is that your car?
13:33Why, uh...
13:36Yes, it is.
13:381957 Chevy Bel Air.
13:41283 CID.
13:43Solid lifter.
13:45Fuel-injected V8.
13:47Uh...
13:49Very possibly.
13:51How does she handle?
13:53Like a dream about warm, sticky things.
13:59Would you like to go for a little drive?
14:02You busy?
14:04I'd like to drop this stuff off,
14:06And then I would describe myself as...
14:08Expendable.
14:22Come on, come on.
14:34And then, you know, I started seeing...
14:37I have a Thunderbird.
14:39Engine completely tripped out.
14:41The upholstery was kind of shot.
14:43So then I started seeing his friend Mike.
14:45Not the Mike with the Mercedes, the Mike with the Mustang.
14:48An 82 V6.
14:51You know the one.
14:52Angel!
14:54Buddy!
14:56Friend buddy.
14:58You want to sit and talk?
15:00I'm looking for Buffy.
15:01Library. Last I stopped.
15:03Something's happening.
15:05I'm seeing portents.
15:06The apocalypse. They're on top of it.
15:09I don't think they know what they're dealing with.
15:11Let's go there.
15:13Tell them that.
15:15Well, it's best you stay out of harm's way.
15:18But I can help.
15:22Hey, you want to go for another drive?
15:26You know, it's not like I haven't helped before.
15:29You know, I've done some quality violence for those people.
15:32Do they even think about that?
15:37I mean...
15:40They act like I'm some sort of klutz.
15:46Oh, God, are you all right?
15:49Oh, God.
15:53Oh, God.
15:55Stay calm.
15:57A little fender bender.
15:59It's not...
16:05The end of the world.
16:23He's cranky.
16:26That's a good knife for it.
16:29Camp dogs sense when there's an earthquake.
16:33And they bark.
16:35Or cows lie down or something.
16:38Sisterhood of Jay.
16:41Race of female demons, fierce warriors.
16:44Celebrate victory in battle by eating their foes.
16:48They couldn't just pour Gatorade on each other?
16:51The council won't even take my calls, idiots.
16:55Anything useful in the books?
16:57Not wildly.
16:59We still have the books of Firion to go through.
17:02I'm getting itchy for Giles.
17:04If we don't turn up something soon, I'm going to hit the streets.
17:07Maybe check out Willy's.
17:09Fine.
17:10Where are you going?
17:12Try and contact the spirit guides.
17:15Try and contact the spirit guides.
17:18They exist out of time.
17:20They have knowledge of the future.
17:22I have no idea if they'll respond to my efforts, but I have to try.
17:27All we know is that the fate of the entire world rests on that.
17:31Did you eat all the jellies?
17:36Did you want a jelly?
17:39I always have a jelly.
17:41I'm always the one that says, let's have jelly in the mix.
17:44We're sorry.
17:45Buffy had three.
17:49No matter.
17:51I guess Xander makes another run.
17:53No. Xander's out of this.
17:55He nearly got killed last time we fought.
17:57This whole thing will be easier if we know he's safe.
18:00Oh, gosh, Jack.
18:02Are you okay?
18:04I am really sorry about that.
18:07Your car came out of nowhere.
18:11I was parked.
18:13Exactly.
18:15Look, I can cover the damages.
18:17I don't have insurance in the strictest sense of the word,
18:20but I have a little money.
18:22The important thing is that we're all right
18:24and we can work this out like two reasonable frontiersmen.
18:29Where do you want it?
18:32What?
18:33Where do you want it?
18:36I'm fairly certain I don't want it at all, but thank you.
18:40Wow. Cool knife.
18:44Yeah. Great knife.
18:47Although I think it may technically be a sword.
18:51She's called Katie.
18:53You gave it a girl's name.
18:56How very serial killer of you.
18:58Listen, I think we should be going.
19:03Are you scared?
19:07Would that make you happy?
19:09You're a woman looking on. You can't stand up to me.
19:12Don't you feel pathetic?
19:16Mostly I feel Katie.
19:19You know what the difference between you and me is?
19:24Again, Katie's bringing to mind.
19:28Fear.
19:31Who has the least fear?
19:34And it has nothing to do with who has the big, sharp...
19:40Come on.
19:43I want to go for a drive. I'm bored.
19:46Oh, gee, I'm really sorry my life-and-death situation isn't exciting enough for you.
19:55Hey!
19:59What's going on?
20:01Nothing. Just wrestling.
20:05A tool.
20:08What a surprise.
20:13He attack you?
20:18No.
20:20Just blowing off steam.
20:22Two guys wrestling, but not in a gay way.
20:26Do it somewhere else, huh?
20:34What?
20:36I was all right.
20:38Could've knocked on me. Didn't do it.
20:42It's decent of you.
20:45I like you.
20:49Yay?
20:51You two want to have some fun?
20:53Like with driving?
20:55Yeah.
20:58What do you have in mind?
21:00I was on my way to get the boys.
21:03Gonna cruise around.
21:07We'll take your wheels.
21:09What about your car?
21:12They ain't mine.
21:18Great. Where to?
21:20Gonna get the boys!
21:24Yeah.
21:27So where are the boys?
21:31He calls forth the spirit of Urthu.
21:35The restless.
21:38No one shall speak.
21:41He shall arise!
21:44Hear me.
21:46The blood of the earth shall restore him.
21:56And he shall arise.
21:59Shall arise!
22:05Shall arise!
22:14Buddy.
22:16Pop.
22:18You big, hideous corpse.
22:20Come here!
22:29I'll call you.
22:31Man!
22:33You raised me!
22:35I told you Grandpappy could work that mojo.
22:38Big Bob is back in action.
22:40Yes!
22:43Oh, man. I can't believe you raised me.
22:46That is so awesome.
22:50You were the coolest.
22:52Maybe I should just let you guys catch up.
22:55Bob, this is Xander.
22:57He's our wheelman.
23:00Hey.
23:02Howdy.
23:04Dude, where are the other guys?
23:06We gotta go get them.
23:08Absolutely.
23:10Are, um...
23:12Are all your friends dead?
23:14Xander, let's roll.
23:16How long I been down?
23:18Eight months. I had to wait till the stars aligned.
23:20I got some catching up to do.
23:22Walker, Texas Ranger. You been tamping him?
23:24Ever yet.
23:26We gonna get the guys together?
23:28Tonight to remember. Yeah!
23:30I'm sensing that.
23:34The blood of the earth shall restore him,
23:36and he shall arise.
23:41Oh, dude.
23:43Yeah!
23:45Yeah!
24:15Yes.
24:38Giles. Hey.
24:41What's going on?
24:43Oh, uh...
24:45Just trying to gain access to the spirit guides.
24:49Not going very well, I'm afraid.
24:51What are you doing here?
24:53We were just racing.
24:56Some hack.
24:58Xander! Let's go!
25:04Listen, do you guys need any help?
25:07Oh, no, thank you.
25:09Probably, uh...
25:11Best if you stay out of trouble.
25:13No chance of that.
25:15Xander!
25:17Hold her!
25:19There's something...
25:21different about this.
25:23Man, there's something in the air.
25:27It's stripped to death.
25:29Yeah, I think it's Bob.
25:31We may all be called upon to fight when it happens.
25:35When what happens, exactly?
25:37Come on!
25:39I'd better go.
25:41Hopefully, we should have time to prepare.
25:43All we need is a few weeks.
25:45Tonight?
25:47Before sunrise.
25:49That's what they said.
25:52Why did they do this?
25:54They were looking for Angel.
25:56Angel, why?
25:58They said they were coming after you, too.
26:01Nothing could stand in their way,
26:03because tonight was the night...
26:06Oh, man!
26:08The ambulance is on its way.
26:12Look, kid,
26:14my clientele ain't exactly nuns and orphans,
26:16but I, uh...
26:18I never seen anything like these demons.
26:20I'm gonna stop them.
26:24That hell mouth opens.
26:27They're gonna be the least of your problems,
26:29is my train of thought.
26:35If I were you...
26:38I'd go find Angel.
26:41Go somewhere quiet together.
26:43Be thinking about how I want to spend my last night on Earth.
26:49Let's get some beer!
26:55Dude, let's go pick up some girls, man.
26:58We'll hang out, talk to Belle, get some girls.
27:01We'll cruise around.
27:04I wanna get that cake.
27:06Man, we need some beers, though.
27:09I can't believe you got shot, man.
27:12Was it them jackals?
27:14Are you kidding?
27:16We wiped them out after they threw you off the bridge.
27:18Oh, man, you guys are the best, man.
27:20You're the best. I mean that.
27:22There's a liquor store.
27:24A little Armenian guy runs the place.
27:26He got a gun behind the counter.
27:31Hey.
27:33We should go kick his ass!
27:36Yeah!
27:40If you guys want me to drop you off somewhere, that's...
27:43Nah, you're with us now.
27:45Oh, yeah, man. You're on the team now, baby.
27:50What are we gonna do?
27:52I've heard some interesting suggestions,
27:54but I'm gonna have to go with Dicky's.
27:56Let's bake a cake.
27:58Yeah!
28:07You stay here and keep the motor running.
28:09This time of night, I'm pretty sure nothing's open.
28:17But they're always open for crime.
28:25Okay, now I'm involved in crime.
28:28I'm the criminal element.
28:30Having a car sure is cool.
28:34Thank you. Sorry to wake you.
28:36No problem.
28:38Will!
28:42Xander!
28:44What are you doing here?
28:46Nothing. Certainly not crime.
28:49What about you?
28:51I needed supplies for a protection spell.
28:54Buffy called from Angels.
28:56It's happening tonight.
28:58And that thing that's happening would be...
29:01I can't stay, Buffy. I'll need this.
29:09I love you, Xander.
29:17Okay, that's it. I'm gonna...
29:19Where are you going?
29:21Look, something's just come up.
29:25Are you gonna bail on me? Is that it?
29:27We've got the cake mix.
29:29Where do you want to bake it?
29:31Xander's looking to leave.
29:33No way.
29:35We need a wheel man.
29:37Xander doesn't feel like he's part of the group?
29:40No, it's just... I'm kind of busy.
29:42He doesn't feel like part of the group
29:44because he hasn't been initiated.
29:46Do you think he's ready?
29:48Well, I think he's under strife.
29:50I say we let him in, boys.
29:52Huh?
29:54Great!
29:56I want to be in the gang, sure.
29:59That's the spirit.
30:01What do I gotta do?
30:06You gotta die.
30:18All right, guys, let's just talk about this.
30:21You want to be part of the gang now, don't you?
30:24Yes, yes.
30:26Yes, yes.
30:28But I'm not dying to be in the gang
30:30if you get the, uh... the pun there.
30:34What, you too good to be dead?
30:40You got a problem with dead people?
30:43What about Jack?
30:45Jack's not dead.
30:48He-he.
30:52He died by three weeks ago.
30:55Oh, boy.
30:57Grandpappy found my body.
30:59I wasn't gone ten minutes before he raised me.
31:03It's rushed, man.
31:05Let's kill Xander.
31:07It'll be fine.
31:09Yeah, man, you could be a full-fledged member.
31:11Come on, Xander.
31:13Take it like a man.
31:16All right, enough.
31:18You guys have had your fun,
31:20but you forgot about one thing.
31:24Get him!
31:27Shit.
31:41Yeah!
31:43There goes the wheels.
31:45You took all the stuff, man.
31:47I want to bake a cake.
31:49It's all right.
31:51We'll get more.
31:53The night is young.
31:56I'd say that's pretty much enough excitement for one evening.
32:27Get in!
32:36Get in!
32:38Get in!
32:57Victim of mammophobia.
32:59No.
33:01The bitch just sulcated my shoulder, though.
33:06Hold me.
33:08It's okay.
33:27It's better.
33:29She got me really wound up.
33:33If I fight like that and...
33:36no kill...
33:40I don't know if I'm ready to pop.
33:43Really?
33:48Pop?
33:50You up for it?
33:52Oh, I'm up.
34:03I'm suddenly very up.
34:07It's just, um...
34:10I've never been up with people before.
34:19Just relax.
34:21Take your pants off.
34:24Well, those two concepts are antithetical.
34:32Oh.
34:44Don't worry.
34:47I'll steer you around the curves.
34:50Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?
35:02That was great. I gotta shower.
35:32I've never seen him like this.
35:34It's the Hellmouth. He can sense this kind of weapon.
35:36Get ready, just in case.
35:41Don't hesitate.
35:43Do it.
35:49Again!
36:03I gotta move you in before he wakes up.
36:07Sorry.
36:09I hope you're not mad at me in the morning.
36:32Hey.
36:51They're not baking any cake.
37:03Long gone.
37:05Probably loaded with supplies.
37:07Gotta think.
37:10I can't believe I had sex.
37:12Okay, bombs.
37:14Already dead guys with bombs.
37:17Oh, man, I'm out of my league.
37:20Buffy, I know what to do.
37:23I don't know what to do.
37:25Let me decide for you.
37:28I can fix this thing.
37:30You can't.
37:32Look, I can at least buy you enough time for Willow's spell to bind it.
37:37Buffy, this is worse than anything we've ever faced.
37:41Hey, it's the only way.
37:45I can't watch you die again.
37:48Hey.
37:52I love you.
37:55I love you.
37:57Nothing can change that.
37:59Not even death.
38:01Don't talk to me like that.
38:04You may be ready to go, but I am not ready to lose you.
38:08Okay, this is my fight.
38:10And if you won't do it my way, then you're...
38:16Hey.
38:19I've got this, um...
38:22There's this, uh...
38:25This is probably a bad time.
38:31Can I help?
38:37Okay.
38:55Okay, I can work this out.
38:58I just gotta figure out what they'd be likely to bomb.
39:01Okay.
39:24Okay.
39:26Oz has moved.
39:28I was gonna walk after that Mickey I gave him, but we made it.
39:33Is he gonna be all right there?
39:35Anywhere's safer than here.
39:37Um, I'll do the candles.
39:41We're doing a binding spell from the Habron's Almanac?
39:44Yes, once it's ready, you'll just stay back and let me finish the recitation.
39:49Don't argue. I want you safe.
39:52Who knows what's gonna come up from beneath us.
39:58Okay.
40:21This is gonna be large.
40:23Holy...
40:29You
40:35Giles know what to do.
40:37He's way more calm than Buffy.
40:44Okay, I need to play him.
40:50Hey, the wheels!
40:52Giles!
40:57Hey, hey, hey, come on!
41:10Come on, man! Stop!
41:12Where's the bomb?
41:14It's in the high school.
41:16In the school where?
41:18Oh, God, this really, really hurts.
41:20Stop!
41:23It's in the boiler room.
41:25All right, now I'm gonna ask you this once.
41:28You better pray you get the answer.
41:30Okay, okay.
41:31How do I defeat him?
41:33No!
41:36I probably should have left out that whole middle part.
41:41He's headed for the school!
41:43Shit!
41:51Yes!
41:53Where's the slayer when you need one?
42:02My God, that's good.
42:09Freeze! Come on! Get out!
42:14Hey, stop!
42:17Come on.
42:19Wow.
42:22Come on, man!
42:32Which way?
42:35He couldn't have gotten far.
42:37Let's split up.
42:47Good for chopping.
43:01Now this is what I call fun!
43:16Come on.
43:33You should have learned by now.
43:35If you're gonna play with fire, you gotta expect sooner or later.
43:39I wasn't finished!
43:41Note to self, let's talk.
43:46Freeze! Go for the heart, kid!
44:16No!
44:24Okay. Boiler room.
44:29Run away.
44:47Hello, nasty.
45:01Less than two minutes.
45:04Dumb guy.
45:06Little bomb.
45:08How hard can it be?
45:17It just got harder.
45:19I'm not leaving until that thing's disarmed.
45:21I guess you're not leaving.
45:32I'm gonna carve you up and serve you with gravy.
45:36You pissed me off, boy.
45:38Now you pay the price.
45:40First the eyes, then the tongue.
45:43First the eyes, then the tongue.
45:46Then I'll break every one of your fingers.
45:48You're gonna do all that in 49 seconds.
46:07I know what you're thinking.
46:09Can I get by him?
46:11Fares out of the building, seconds ticking away.
46:14I don't love your chances.
46:16Then you'll die too.
46:19Yeah, looks like.
46:21So I guess the question really is...
46:24Who has less fear?
46:26I'm not afraid to die.
46:28I'm already dead.
46:31Yeah, but this is different.
46:34Being blowed up isn't walking around and drinking with your buddies dead.
46:38It's little bits being swept up by a janitor dead,
46:41and I don't think you're ready for that.
46:56Are you?
47:02I like the quiet.
47:09Get off me!
47:11What's that? What is that?
47:14Get off of me!
47:38Beep. Beep. Beep.
47:42Beep. Beep. Beep.
47:56Good boy.
48:09I don't think I want to be seeing you on campus anymore, Jack.
48:34I'm not going anywhere, Harris.
48:38The first time you turn your back...
48:48Even after the Hellmouth was closed,
48:52we could still hear it screaming.
49:00But Angel's gonna be okay?
49:03He was only out for a few minutes.
49:06Longest of my life.
49:08I'll never forget that thing's face.
49:11It's... real face, I mean.
49:14Yes.
49:17I don't know how you managed.
49:22It was the bravest thing I've ever seen.
49:26Stupidest.
49:29But the world continues to turn.
49:33No one will ever know how close it came to stopping.
49:38Never know what we did.
49:42Guys?
49:45Xander, boy, you're lucky you weren't at school last night.
49:50I was crazed.
49:54Well, uh, give me the quiet life.
49:58I'm gonna grab a snack. Anyone want?
50:01Us?
50:03No, I'm oddly full today.
50:07Okay.
50:14Ooh, look, it's Mr. Excitement.
50:17On another life-or-death donut mission,
50:19or are we just cruising for bimbos again?
50:22Giving them lessons in lack of cool.
50:26What?
50:30What?
50:33What?
50:55What?
50:57Grr! Arrgh!
51:27You