Ted knows he's not a zombie. He just picked up a "skin thing" on his vacay in The Caribbean. But his hilariously kooky family is not convinced, especially after he brings home a hot vampire he met in group therapy.
Ted tahu dia bukan zombie. Dia baru saja mengambil "barang kulit" pada liburannya di Karibia. Tapi keluarganya yang lucu dan kooky tidak yakin, terutama setelah dia membawa pulang vampir seksi yang dia temui dalam terapi kelompok.
Please full watch the movie, Like and follow this channel
thank you so much
Ted tahu dia bukan zombie. Dia baru saja mengambil "barang kulit" pada liburannya di Karibia. Tapi keluarganya yang lucu dan kooky tidak yakin, terutama setelah dia membawa pulang vampir seksi yang dia temui dalam terapi kelompok.
Please full watch the movie, Like and follow this channel
thank you so much
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00You
00:00:30You take the skin particles that others are done with you know from morgues hospitals spas
00:00:37We repurpose them boil them down mix them together and make useful things out of
00:00:43Eyeglass cases fancy purses beautiful lingerie
00:00:47You name it we can make it. Yes. I've done some research on the company
00:00:52Very impressive on a mission to Bonnie. It's a mission. That's worth the stink in here
00:00:57Does that smell like to you rotting corpse of a water buffalo, maybe
00:01:02No one smells like to me
00:01:04smells like money
00:01:07And that noise
00:01:09From the basement the skin boilers are down there in hell as we like to call it and it is hot
00:01:17Things don't work out for you up here. We'll send you to hell to be a boiler
00:01:21I
00:01:23Was a joke on you're gonna have to grow a sense of humor if you're gonna survive around here
00:01:29Can't really promise you're gonna survive though, Bonnie
00:01:42Guess what my suits made out of
00:01:44Skate very good smarty pants a couple old folks moved on to the glorious afterlife and voila
00:01:52Look at your anyway running a new program. That's working like a charm. We're telling the folks around here. Don't be a zombie
00:02:03Don't be a zombie I came up with that
00:02:09Really funny
00:02:11Hi
00:02:12Sorry to bother you. Mr. Lee. I had a little accident on the way in this morning
00:02:17So the pen time report isn't going to be ready today little accident is what happened the day you were born
00:02:22Ted I want that report on my desk first thing Monday morning. You got it
00:02:29I'm sorry
00:02:31a
00:02:37Zombie
00:02:39A
00:02:59Man yeah
00:03:01So, Stephanie wants me to take her somewhere exotic on vacation.
00:03:11Obviously, I'm not taking her to the Caribbean.
00:03:14What?
00:03:15Why?
00:03:16Doesn't seem to have been good for you.
00:03:17What?
00:03:18You mean the skin thing?
00:03:19Vicky, we know I could have gotten this on the plane.
00:03:25And besides, skin issues tend to run in my family, so...
00:03:29Yeah, but you're adopted.
00:03:31So...
00:03:32I'm totally fine.
00:03:33Oh!
00:03:34Hi, Ricky.
00:03:35Ted.
00:03:36I'm eating alone because Dave's not coming back.
00:03:37Dave and accounting?
00:03:38That guy's good.
00:03:39Where do you go?
00:03:40I don't know, seriously.
00:03:41I guess he won't be a winning best worker anymore.
00:03:42Hey.
00:03:43Hey.
00:03:44Hey.
00:03:45Hey.
00:03:46Hey.
00:03:47Hey.
00:03:48Hey.
00:03:49Hey.
00:03:50Hey.
00:03:51Hey.
00:03:52Hey.
00:03:53Hey.
00:03:54Hey.
00:03:55Hey.
00:03:56Hey.
00:03:57Hey.
00:03:58Hey.
00:03:59Hey.
00:04:00Hey.
00:04:01Hey.
00:04:02Hey.
00:04:03Hey.
00:04:04Hey.
00:04:05Hey.
00:04:06Hey.
00:04:07Hey.
00:04:08Hey.
00:04:09Hey.
00:04:10Hey.
00:04:11Hey.
00:04:12Hey.
00:04:13Hey.
00:04:14Hey.
00:04:15Hey.
00:04:16Hey.
00:04:17Hey.
00:04:18Hey.
00:04:19Hey.
00:04:20Hey.
00:04:21Hey.
00:04:22Hey.
00:04:23Hey.
00:04:24Hey.
00:04:25Hey.
00:04:26Hey.
00:04:27Hey.
00:04:28Hey.
00:04:29Don't give up, Slovenian big shot.
00:04:30You're to hear that, buddy.
00:04:31I know how close you are to him, but it seems like he's been dying ever since I've known
00:04:37you.
00:04:38Yeah, well, he's bloody sick.
00:04:39Have you always said that?
00:04:41Say what?
00:04:42You know, the word, bloody.
00:04:44I've never heard you say that.
00:04:51Yeah.
00:04:52Yeah.
00:04:53Say that sometime.
00:05:27I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone was in here.
00:05:30I was just trying to get out of the sunlight.
00:05:36Wait!
00:05:50Disorders of a paranormal?
00:05:52What does that even mean?
00:05:54Hell if I know.
00:06:24I don't know.
00:06:43Fucking zombies.
00:06:54Oh. Are you okay?
00:07:02Good morning, everyone.
00:07:04I am Dr. Levito.
00:07:06Welcome to group therapy.
00:07:10As my good friend and mentor,
00:07:13Dr. Sigmund Freud likes to say,
00:07:15sex help!
00:07:17But enough about me.
00:07:19I didn't go to school for years and years to talk about me.
00:07:22Let's talk about you and why you're here.
00:07:25Wolfgang, why don't you tell us about you and everyone?
00:07:29Help yourself to goodies.
00:07:33Well, I'm a motherfucking werewolf.
00:07:36I got something called alopecia,
00:07:38which means I lost all my hair.
00:07:40Except for my eyebrows.
00:07:43Oh, shit.
00:07:46I fell in love with this girl named Katarina.
00:07:48She was fine, you know?
00:07:49She was a beautiful she-wolf.
00:07:51We spent our days as man and woman
00:07:54and our nights in the wild.
00:07:56Then one night, the fur didn't come.
00:07:59I looked over, and Katarina was gone.
00:08:05It's okay.
00:08:07It's okay.
00:08:08It's okay.
00:08:10It's okay.
00:08:11It's okay.
00:08:12It's okay.
00:08:13It's okay.
00:08:14It's okay.
00:08:15It's okay.
00:08:16It's okay.
00:08:17It's okay.
00:08:18It's okay.
00:08:19It's okay.
00:08:20Of course.
00:08:21Oh, yeah.
00:08:22Scoot out of the room.
00:08:25Do we have an adorable claustrophobe in our midst?
00:08:28Um, it's not so adorable when you're a cave-dwelling troll.
00:08:32In this world of, like, slow and dim-witted creatures,
00:08:36I was the slowest and dumbest of them all.
00:08:39Life was great.
00:08:41But then I developed this condition.
00:08:43I started to fear the caves.
00:08:44Eventually, I couldn't even go in them at all.
00:08:46I became obsessed and started just exploring the world.
00:08:49And that caused my brain to develop.
00:08:52So the only way I can go home to my family is if you fix me, ma'am.
00:08:56It's going to be okay, Grendel.
00:08:58First thing's first.
00:09:00If you've been reading, I recommend you stop that right away.
00:09:04Oh, fuck.
00:09:06I was afraid you were going to say that.
00:09:08And I'm almost done.
00:09:09Can I just do that last...
00:09:12literally, like, the last chapter?
00:09:16Okay.
00:09:18I'm almost at the end of the chapter.
00:09:19No.
00:09:20Just the last fucking chapter.
00:09:22God.
00:09:24Shit.
00:09:26That was great.
00:09:28Feels like it's not.
00:09:34Okay.
00:09:36Elvie, why don't you tell us about you?
00:09:39I'm a fairy.
00:09:41Well, I used to be a fairy.
00:09:43I don't even know what to call myself now.
00:09:45I'm so big.
00:09:48I lost my wings to a curious toddler.
00:09:52Elvie, you must believe.
00:09:54You will always be a fairy at heart.
00:09:57You have lessons you can take.
00:09:58Hello, sister dear.
00:10:04What are you doing here, Nora?
00:10:05I'm the Will, Dr. Wobedo.
00:10:09I'm a psychiatrist.
00:10:10Leave it.
00:10:11I'm right down the hall if any of you want to come see a Will doctor.
00:10:16Unlike my sister here, she likes to call herself doctor.
00:10:20Don't you, Candy?
00:10:25Leave it.
00:10:26Adorable.
00:10:27Your physicians are so sweet, Candy.
00:10:31It's too bad you sweet people can't have any of these medications which I have
00:10:36because your doctor isn't a real doctor.
00:10:40You know I've always hated you.
00:10:43You were always Mother's favorite.
00:10:50Well, I'll be heading back to my office now.
00:10:53Any nice one down the hall with the doughnuts.
00:11:01Wrong room, Mr. Matthews.
00:11:04You know where to find me.
00:11:07She seems really nice.
00:11:28I'm going to need another Ph.D.
00:11:36Ow!
00:12:07Ow, ow, ow!
00:12:09Dad, what?
00:12:10What's going on?
00:12:11Things are not good, Ted.
00:12:13Linda's still here, and it doesn't seem like she's going anywhere.
00:12:16We need you to say something.
00:12:18Me?
00:12:19Why me?
00:12:20You're youthful and strong.
00:12:22Talk to him, Jorge.
00:12:24I'm going to get the juice.
00:12:26I've paid my dues, okay?
00:12:28Your mother and I are taking the brunt of this here.
00:12:30Well, come on, Dad.
00:12:33What kind of father is okay with his son possibly losing an arm?
00:12:35What kind of a son is okay with a father losing two arms?
00:12:38Dad, shh.
00:12:40She's not a very powerful sorceress.
00:12:43That's easy for you to say.
00:12:46I'm sorry.
00:12:47Okay, I'm sorry.
00:12:48Look, I think she's a little bored.
00:12:50Move on.
00:12:51And Papi's always said that he doesn't want to get married again.
00:12:53In the meantime, I'm target practice here.
00:12:55Okay.
00:12:56She has got to go.
00:12:58Okay.
00:13:01Yeah.
00:13:03Hi, Linda.
00:13:04Hi, Papi.
00:13:06Well, look who finally come to visit.
00:13:08I'm dying, you asshole.
00:13:10Papi, don't we work during the week?
00:13:12Oh, I bet you're hoping you don't have to do that anymore after I die.
00:13:15Last night, I was counting the money.
00:13:18I figure I'm worth about 24 mil now, okay,
00:13:21if I keep getting lucky on the stock market.
00:13:23Now, who should I give all that money to anyway?
00:13:27Now, who should I give all that money to after I die?
00:13:32Sweetie, you're running at least 20 million human-earned dollars
00:13:36to become a legitimate sorceress.
00:13:38Remember the old saying,
00:13:40sorceresses without extreme human-earned wealth
00:13:43are but sheep with beautiful faces.
00:13:48Oh, Papi.
00:13:51Shut up, kid. Don't ruin this moment.
00:13:53Get your daddy a drink, sweetheart.
00:13:55All right, Mama.
00:13:56Here, Daddy, have some juice.
00:13:59We had a family meeting,
00:14:01and we all agree that it's time for you to settle down.
00:14:07What I'm trying to say, Daddy, is
00:14:11a wife doesn't want her husband to be a zombie.
00:14:15Nobody wants to marry a weirdo.
00:14:18Well, I'm not a weirdo, and I'm not a zombie.
00:14:21Do you guys even know what a zombie is?
00:14:23You don't really know a zombie until you've had sex with one.
00:14:26I know what a zombie is.
00:14:28What?
00:14:29I read about it on a computer.
00:14:31Eww.
00:14:32Eww.
00:14:33Eww.
00:14:35It's disgusting is what it is.
00:14:37You're a generation in denial, son.
00:14:39Nobody gets married anymore.
00:14:40You're just hopping from bed to bed, huh?
00:14:42Oh, hey.
00:14:44Now, Daddy didn't get that from having sex.
00:14:48Did you, Dad?
00:14:50Say hello to your next president and first lady.
00:14:53I mean, ladies.
00:14:57Come on, girl.
00:14:59Do you know how expensive running for office is, Papi?
00:15:03Only the wealthiest people can do it.
00:15:05Oh, yeah?
00:15:07Well, that should put our family on the map, huh?
00:15:09You know, by the way, just in case y'all forgot,
00:15:11I am running on a platform of
00:15:14blow everybody up that does not think
00:15:16America is the greatest country ever.
00:15:18I call it America or boom!
00:15:21America or boom, baby!
00:15:24Boom!
00:15:26Boom, boom, boom!
00:15:28Now, that's some bullshit right there.
00:15:30Because ain't nobody going to vote for no black man
00:15:32threatening to blow up the world.
00:15:34Jean, Jean, Jean, Jeannie de Jean.
00:15:38You don't get it, do you?
00:15:40We are going to save the world.
00:15:42While me and your sister doing that,
00:15:44you just going to sit over there with your one-armed husband.
00:15:46Hey, no disrespect, man.
00:15:48All my greatest heroes are one-armed.
00:15:50Or just sitting there nagging that we ain't doing it right.
00:15:52She ain't doing it right.
00:15:54America or boom, baby!
00:15:57Now, who's getting naked with me?
00:15:59Come on.
00:16:01That's going to be my mission as first lady.
00:16:03What's that, baby?
00:16:05Nudity is freedom.
00:16:07Freedom is nudity.
00:16:09Shit! Come here, girl!
00:16:11Shit!
00:16:14Get them motherfuckers off my table!
00:16:16That's enough!
00:16:18Sit down, you two.
00:16:20Okay.
00:16:22Forgive me, everybody. I'm sorry.
00:16:24Forgive me for just trying to make love to my wife
00:16:26at the dinner table.
00:16:28I thought we was all family.
00:16:30Have I ever told you all about the first time
00:16:32I ever got naked in public?
00:16:34Yep.
00:16:36Life changer.
00:16:38I was there that day. Remember?
00:16:40I saw how your life changed.
00:16:42Look at that boy's skin.
00:16:44I think it's getting worse.
00:16:46Excuse me?
00:16:48Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you could hear me.
00:16:50I'm sitting right across the table from you.
00:16:52Bradley!
00:16:54You know skin problems run in this family.
00:16:56I mean, we all have them.
00:16:58That's the truth.
00:17:00Papi and I are talking about getting married.
00:17:02What?
00:17:04There's no hurry.
00:17:06We're going to be in love forever.
00:17:08Yeah, I mean, there's no sense in rushing into things.
00:17:10Papi, I mean, you and I like being bachelors, right?
00:17:12I'm a hippie.
00:17:14Chili-boo, chili-boo.
00:17:16Oh, God damn it!
00:17:18What the hell, son?
00:17:20Your furniture's a piece of crap.
00:17:22It's not the furniture.
00:17:24It's not the furniture, Papi.
00:17:26Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:17:28Chili-boo, chili-bye, you know?
00:17:30Look, Teddy. Teddy, take this from your uncle, okay?
00:17:32You got to always watch out for red flags.
00:17:36No, not you, baby. You're not a red flag.
00:17:38You are a red, white, and blue flag
00:17:40flying over the east wing of my heart.
00:17:42I'm talking about real red flags,
00:17:44ones that will just pop out of a nice, pretty package,
00:17:46like, boom!
00:17:48Just pop out when you least expect it,
00:17:50like, boom, boom!
00:17:52Red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag!
00:17:54Several of them in a row.
00:17:56Boom!
00:17:58Teddy, my boy.
00:18:00Some more coupons.
00:18:02Oh, thanks, Papi.
00:18:04Yeah, I know you've been having a hard time,
00:18:06but I appreciate it. Thank you, Papi.
00:18:08The only thing is, if I find out you're a zombie,
00:18:10that's it. No more coupons.
00:18:12Papi, I'm not a zombie.
00:18:14All right.
00:18:16I'm not a zombie.
00:18:18Papi, I'm not a zombie.
00:18:22Zombies are funny.
00:18:26Care, you ain't nothing but a damn fool.
00:18:30See, that's right. Zombies are quite comical.
00:18:32What the hell we got to do
00:18:34to get some food around here?
00:18:36Jorge, be a good boy and bring Mama Linda
00:18:38another martini while you're in there.
00:18:40I got your mama.
00:18:42Did you see that?
00:18:44I mean, I wish she would try some shit.
00:18:46I wish she would. I wish she would.
00:18:48Don't be silly, Bradley.
00:18:50Jorge is doing the best he can with one arm,
00:18:52and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to know
00:18:54what life would be like with no arms.
00:18:56This woman's voice.
00:18:58Music to my ears.
00:19:02Must be deafness.
00:19:04Sweetie.
00:19:07What's his name, Jorge?
00:19:09I don't know.
00:19:11Bratey?
00:19:13Yeah.
00:19:15Is that his real name?
00:19:18Yeah, he's got B.
00:19:20And they call him Christopher.
00:19:22Ok, now you're in the house.
00:19:24Come here.
00:19:28It's me.
00:19:30Hey, friend.
00:19:33Oh, God, why is it always so smoky in here?
00:19:54It's just the machines downstairs.
00:19:56Oh, yeah?
00:19:57Well, it's not good for my hair.
00:19:59God, is there no other cubicle you can sit in that's not next to a zombie?
00:20:04Excuse me?
00:20:07Ted is not a zombie.
00:20:09Look at his forehead.
00:20:11I am not a zombie.
00:20:15Ted.
00:20:19Ted?
00:20:22Daphne, Ted is not a zombie, and you know it.
00:20:26All right, he's got a disease.
00:20:29Something.
00:20:30Thanks, man, I'm sitting right here.
00:20:32Skin thing, whatever.
00:20:33Rick, you know what?
00:20:34It doesn't matter because I came down here to tell you that we're done, okay?
00:20:38It is over, Ricky.
00:20:40You've never even taken me on a vacation.
00:20:43Oh, trust me, vacations are nothing.
00:20:46You don't deserve me, Ricky.
00:20:48I am diamonds, and you are a fucking rock.
00:20:52Daph, you're my diamond.
00:20:53Not anymore.
00:20:54Daphne!
00:20:55So, Joe's gone.
00:20:58Yeah, Mel, I'm a little busy right now.
00:21:00Will you vote for me for best worker?
00:21:04Yeah, I'll vote for you.
00:21:05Because you're not going to get it, right?
00:21:07I'll vote.
00:21:07I'll vote for you.
00:21:09Oh, seriously?
00:21:10Right.
00:21:12People are saying Ted ate Joe.
00:21:17Did not eat Joe, Mel.
00:21:20Ricky, look, if you need a place to stay, you know where to find me.
00:21:24If you need a place to stay, you know you can always crash at my place again.
00:21:30Thanks, Ted.
00:21:52Oh my god, oh my god.
00:21:55Oh my god, what's happening to me?
00:22:00Oh my god, oh my god.
00:22:05Oh, hey, what's up?
00:22:07Hey, dude, so I got us some more beer and chips.
00:22:10Oh, the essentials, perfect, thank you.
00:22:24Thanks.
00:22:32Hey, thanks for letting me stay here, dude.
00:22:34Yeah, you can stay here as long as you need to, you know that, right?
00:22:37Yeah, except I'm not sleeping too well, so I probably should find my own place soon.
00:22:41Yeah, well, you can't sleep on your buddy's chair forever.
00:22:46So...
00:22:49So, did you go see the doctor?
00:22:53For what?
00:22:55For the skin thing?
00:22:56Yeah, and...
00:23:00And what?
00:23:01Ted, are you...
00:23:04I think you should see someone.
00:23:08Something is wrong, all right?
00:23:11What are you doing?
00:23:13Ted, what are you doing?
00:23:14What, what, what, what, what?
00:23:15What are you freaking out about?
00:23:16You had something in your hair.
00:23:17What did you think I was going to do?
00:23:23Freak me out, man.
00:23:24Oh, I wouldn't have thought of that.
00:23:52Is that how that song goes?
00:24:04No.
00:24:07I got skis for days here, Bonnie.
00:24:09Where is my mufa?
00:24:18Hey, Ricky.
00:24:19Hey.
00:24:20These are for the Texas team.
00:24:21Thanks, Bonnie.
00:24:24Uh, Bonnie?
00:24:27Yeah?
00:24:30You okay?
00:24:31Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
00:24:34Mr. Lee is a weed, but a weed is just an unloved flower.
00:24:39What?
00:24:41Oh, it's Ella Wheeler Wilcox.
00:24:44Anyway, Mr. Lee may be just an unloved flower,
00:24:47but I took a look at those before sending them out,
00:24:49because today he is an unloved flower on a rampage.
00:24:52And that makes today different from what day?
00:24:56Looks like you've been doing some good work there, Bonnie.
00:24:59Oh, uh, thank you, Mel.
00:25:05I'm ultra gonna get the best worker.
00:25:08Sorry.
00:25:09What?
00:25:09It's a competition we have going on,
00:25:11the best worker competition.
00:25:12You've probably seen the sign.
00:25:14Yeah, Mr. Lee told me about it.
00:25:15What?
00:25:16Did he tell you you were gonna win it?
00:25:18Did he?
00:25:19Uh, no.
00:25:21Because it would be ultra not cool if he did.
00:25:26Can I show you something in the basement?
00:25:27Mel, I'm sure Bonnie is probably busy.
00:25:30Yes, yes, I am pretty busy.
00:25:33But, uh, maybe another time?
00:25:35Later today or tomorrow?
00:25:37Mel, let's go out and eat.
00:25:40A sandwich?
00:25:43Ted wants to eat your brains, by the way.
00:25:45What? No, I don't.
00:25:47You may have eaten Dave and Joe.
00:25:49I did not eat Dave and Joe.
00:25:50Oh, you might have eaten Joe and Dave.
00:25:52I did not eat Joe and Dave.
00:25:54He's got a problem.
00:25:55Why do you keep telling the whole...
00:25:56Freeze! Police!
00:26:02I'm Sergeant Angus, and this is my partner, Sergeant Zeus.
00:26:07Like the Greek god Zeus?
00:26:08Just like the Greek god Zeus, yes.
00:26:10Exactly.
00:26:11We need to ask you folks some questions
00:26:12on account of the two missing persons who used to work here.
00:26:15Questions?
00:26:16Dave and Joe?
00:26:18Exactly.
00:26:20They were my friends.
00:26:21Okay, very good.
00:26:23Do you know where they are?
00:26:25Missing?
00:26:26Ted is a zombie.
00:26:27Oh, my God, okay.
00:26:28That is enough.
00:26:29I am not a zombie.
00:26:30I'm not a zombie.
00:26:31Oh, sure, yeah.
00:26:33What's wrong with your skin, boy?
00:26:35Excuse me?
00:26:36Okay, first of all, that's none of your business.
00:26:37And second of all,
00:26:38skin issues tend to run in my family, okay?
00:26:40So that's what it is.
00:26:42That's disgusting.
00:26:43We will be back with further questions for all of you.
00:26:46So I suggest none of you take any vacations anytime soon.
00:26:58Wow.
00:26:58Get back to work, people.
00:27:00Frank's gonna come any minute.
00:27:01Bonnie?
00:27:02Lupa?
00:27:46Ricky?
00:27:54Ricky?
00:27:56My brains!
00:27:58Bonnie?
00:28:00Bonnie, I'm so sorry.
00:28:02Are you okay?
00:28:04You don't look like you've been sleeping.
00:28:05I'm still sleeping on Ted's chair until I can find a place of my own.
00:28:10Really?
00:28:13Well, my roommate and I are looking for another roommate.
00:28:16If you put the knife down, we'd love to have you move in with us.
00:28:21Really?
00:28:22Wow.
00:28:26Where have you been?
00:28:29Chopped some stuff off in the basement.
00:28:39Bonnie!
00:28:41Where the fuck is my Lupa?
00:28:43See you guys.
00:28:46Pop too loud, I'll cry if I must.
00:28:48Better bring your Sprite.
00:28:50I air out too.
00:28:53I don't care.
00:29:16Ted, what the fuck?
00:29:20You need help, man.
00:29:22That is not normal.
00:29:26What?
00:29:31Sorry, Ted.
00:29:31You just don't listen.
00:29:32Sir, Wendy's gone.
00:29:36Sir, I don't know where you can go.
00:29:38Who's Wendy?
00:29:38Go.
00:29:39Wait, the singing intern?
00:29:41She just walked by.
00:29:42Yeah, she was an ultra good worker too.
00:29:46I sure hope there isn't a zombie going around eating people.
00:29:57Why?
00:29:57Why are you guys looking at me?
00:29:59Seriously.
00:29:59I'm gonna go back to my-
00:30:00I'm not-
00:30:02I'm not-
00:30:05Stop.
00:30:08I have to work with these kind of people.
00:30:16I don't know what I just-
00:30:17You know what? I'm just gonna-
00:30:18I'm gonna wake you up.
00:30:20Mel?
00:30:25Mel?
00:30:38Olivia, tell the group about yourself.
00:30:42Okay.
00:30:43I have been feeling weird since I got back from Romania.
00:30:47Some things have changed.
00:30:49Most noticeably, my teeth.
00:30:55And I'm really strong.
00:30:58People seem to think I'm a vampire, which I clearly am not.
00:31:02Just because I have pointy teeth and I like to eat my meat rare.
00:31:06Olivia, are you feeling the urge to bite people?
00:31:10I've thought about it.
00:31:12But no more than anyone else, right?
00:31:16I would never do anything that would hurt someone.
00:31:19You have to believe me.
00:31:20I believe you.
00:31:26Ted.
00:31:29Ted.
00:31:30Oh, uh.
00:31:33Right.
00:31:34Well, to be completely honest, I'm only here because-
00:31:38Well, I saw Olivia carrying bowling balls into my work and I just wanted to talk to her.
00:31:46I work at the bowling alley, moving the balls around.
00:31:50So, Ted, you're not here because you want help with anything.
00:31:55Well, I mean, nobody's perfect.
00:31:58Like, you know, this skin thing I picked up in the Caribbean, for example.
00:32:03And my family's crazy.
00:32:04Of course.
00:32:06Of course.
00:32:09I also like my meat rare.
00:32:11You do?
00:32:12Well, perhaps you two should both consider a multivitamin with iron in it.
00:32:18Also, try masturbation.
00:32:20Pickle anyone?
00:32:31So, um.
00:32:32Maybe I could make dinner for you Saturday night?
00:32:36Yeah, okay.
00:32:39I'm in.
00:32:40What?
00:32:41Oh, no.
00:32:42Oh, sorry, Grandma.
00:32:43I was talking to Olivia.
00:32:47Yeah.
00:32:49I'd like that.
00:33:02If you only knew, I'm just like you, babe, I'm just like you.
00:33:18We could throw our heads back and howl at the moon.
00:33:28If you only knew.
00:33:34We could run through the streams, dance on cobblestones.
00:33:42But just like you, inside I'm all alone.
00:33:50If you only knew how confused, how afraid, how blue.
00:33:57If you only knew, you'd say I'm just like you.
00:34:05If you only knew.
00:34:22And then we're going to change the oval office to a triangle or a rectangle.
00:34:26Diamond, exactly.
00:34:27Diamond, something like that.
00:34:28You know, just keep everybody on their toes.
00:34:30Ain't that right, babe?
00:34:31And every Friday is going to be no foreigner Friday, of course.
00:34:34I can't wait, my big strong president.
00:34:39I love him best in a top hat and nothing else.
00:34:43Oh, and just to be clear with everybody, when she said in a top hat, I'm not wearing no head.
00:34:50Teddy, did you lose your hair comb?
00:34:53No, Ma, this is the new style.
00:34:54Might at least want to put some conditioner in there.
00:34:57Here, try this Infinite Naturals.
00:35:00This stuff is great and it works well on everything.
00:35:07Okay, okay, okay, I can do it.
00:35:08Stop.
00:35:09Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, listen to your mother.
00:35:12Never test it on animals.
00:35:14Infinite Naturals is naturally infinite.
00:35:18Don't use too much.
00:35:20Ted, you should get a wife.
00:35:22The fuck does he need a wife for?
00:35:24Well, I am seeing someone.
00:35:29Oh, thank you, God.
00:35:33Please don't tell me she's a goblin.
00:35:34No.
00:35:35Stop it, Mama.
00:35:36My son isn't like that.
00:35:37Not that there would be anything wrong with it if you were.
00:35:40When do we get to meet her, baby?
00:35:42Well, I was thinking of inviting her to come with me to dinner one night.
00:35:48But if I do, you all need to behave.
00:35:50Of course.
00:35:51We're just regular people, baby.
00:35:52She's very sensitive.
00:35:53That could be a problem.
00:35:55Like that.
00:35:56Why are you doing...
00:35:57Uncle Bradley, you can't be doing that at the dinner table when she's here.
00:36:01That's weird.
00:36:03I can't be doing this?
00:36:05Can I do that?
00:36:06No.
00:36:07How about...
00:36:09No.
00:36:10Oh, all right.
00:36:12I apologize, everybody.
00:36:13I did not know the new rules of this family.
00:36:16Forgive me for gently caressing, tweaking,
00:36:19and my wife at the dinner table.
00:36:22I don't know who this damn family is anymore.
00:36:23What's wrong with her?
00:36:24She's not a weirdo, is she?
00:36:25No, there's nothing wrong with her.
00:36:27And she's not a bloody weirdo.
00:36:28Have you always said that?
00:36:29Said what?
00:36:30Never mind.
00:36:31She's beautiful.
00:36:35She is a vampire.
00:36:38A vampire?
00:36:39No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:36:42Tiddy, are you doing a vampire?
00:36:44No, she looks like a vampire, but she's not.
00:36:48What?
00:36:51Dude.
00:36:53Totally.
00:36:54Hey, what'd you bring for lunch today?
00:36:57I hardly have time to eat.
00:37:00I'm such an ultra...
00:37:03Mel.
00:37:04Mel.
00:37:04You really need to stop doing that.
00:37:06What?
00:37:06I'm such an ultra hard worker.
00:37:09Yeah, that's nice.
00:37:12So you guys...
00:37:15You guys gonna vote for me for best worker next week?
00:37:18Oh, is that next week?
00:37:20Um, sure.
00:37:21Yeah, we'll vote for you.
00:37:24Mel, Mel.
00:37:26Hey, guys.
00:37:27Hey, Bonnie, how you doing?
00:37:30Um, okay, but I gotta go.
00:37:32Can I show you something in the booth?
00:37:34No.
00:37:36Oh, never mind.
00:37:37It's all strong and interesting.
00:37:41I'll show you later.
00:37:48So, Ted.
00:37:50Ricky tells me that you've really hit it off with that chick, Livia.
00:37:53She's perfect.
00:37:54You know, I've never met anyone like her.
00:37:57That's really cool.
00:37:59So how's things for the two roommates?
00:38:04Ricky is amazing.
00:38:06He made dinner last night.
00:38:07Oh, did he?
00:38:10Well, she...
00:38:11You had to work late.
00:38:12She had to work late.
00:38:13Bonnie's working on a huge project for Samson.
00:38:16Oh, Frank Lee's boss?
00:38:17Yeah, he found out about my qualifications
00:38:20and needed some work done, so...
00:38:23And you know, she's got an MBA,
00:38:25so she's more qualified to run this place than Frank Lee is.
00:38:29He's got his own secretary running circles around him.
00:38:30I mean, that's...
00:38:32Wow.
00:38:33Couldn't happen to a bigger ass than Frank Lee.
00:38:35Speaking of which, I've got some stuff
00:38:36I need to finish up for him before lunch,
00:38:38so I'll see you guys later.
00:38:42See you later.
00:38:47Shh.
00:38:49What?
00:38:50Exactly what?
00:38:52Dude, I haven't heard you mention Stephanie in weeks.
00:38:54Honestly, I'm not even thinking about Stephanie anymore.
00:38:57Like, when she calls, it goes straight to voice mail.
00:38:59Let me in hell.
00:39:01Bring the girl.
00:39:02Mel, just cut it out.
00:39:04All right, you're starting to freak everyone out.
00:39:07Me?
00:39:08Yeah.
00:39:09Well, at least I'm not a zombie who eats people.
00:39:12Ted?
00:39:15Bring...
00:39:16Ted!
00:39:19Look, God, I'm sorry.
00:39:21I don't know what's gotten into me.
00:39:23Did you need to get some help?
00:39:25Look, I'm just sick and tired of people calling me a zombie.
00:39:27You're a zombie, Ted.
00:39:46You're a zombie, Ted.
00:39:48You're a zombie, you're a zombie.
00:39:50You're a zombie, you're a zombie.
00:39:52You're a zombie, you're a zombie.
00:39:54You're a zombie, you're a zombie.
00:39:56You're a zombie, you're a zombie.
00:39:58You're a zombie, you're a zombie.
00:40:00You're a zombie, you're a zombie.
00:40:02You're a zombie, you're a zombie.
00:40:04You're a zombie, you're a zombie.
00:40:06You're a zombie, you're a zombie.
00:40:08You're a zombie, you're a zombie.
00:40:10You're a zombie, you're a zombie.
00:40:12You're a zombie, you're a zombie.
00:40:14Thank God for that.
00:40:21I thought my whole family was dead.
00:40:23My God.
00:40:25That was scary.
00:40:27Yeah. Yeah, it was.
00:40:31You know, speaking of which,
00:40:33would you want to come over
00:40:35on Friday and meet them?
00:40:37Yeah.
00:40:39I'd love to.
00:40:42Tell me about Romania.
00:40:46Well,
00:40:48it wasn't at all what I expected.
00:40:54I met a guy there, a botanist.
00:40:56He wouldn't go out at all during the day.
00:41:00A night botanist, huh?
00:41:04I would wake up in the middle of the night
00:41:06and find him staring at me
00:41:08with an odd look on his face.
00:41:11Dragomir?
00:41:17Um,
00:41:19Libby, have you ever thought
00:41:21that maybe Dragomir was a...
00:41:25Well, that he was a...
00:41:27A what?
00:41:31Never mind.
00:41:33Tell me about your trip to the Caribbean.
00:41:37Well,
00:41:40while they were doing this good luck ritual,
00:41:42things got kind of...
00:41:46weird.
00:41:48Welcome
00:41:50to voodoo for you
00:41:52and that celebration of luck.
00:41:54I will now give you good luck.
00:41:56Lambi, mambi,
00:41:58rambi, zambi.
00:42:02Uh-oh.
00:42:04Oh, my God!
00:42:06Oh!
00:42:09Oh!
00:42:13I haven't been feeling so good
00:42:15ever since I've been back.
00:42:17Oh, my God.
00:42:39Such a gentleman.
00:42:41Oh, I try to be.
00:42:55Um, Libby, this is my dad Jorge
00:42:57and my mom Jean.
00:42:59Nice to meet you.
00:43:01What's wrong with your teeth?
00:43:03Mom?
00:43:05Your mom's just trying to make some small talk
00:43:08Come on in, kids.
00:43:10Let's go have some juice.
00:43:14Oh, that is a vampire.
00:43:16What?
00:43:18Livia's not a vampire.
00:43:20I am not a vampire.
00:43:22Hey, Teddy.
00:43:24I got more key buns for you.
00:43:26Thanks, Papi.
00:43:28Hey!
00:43:30You must be Livia.
00:43:32I'm Tess Ann Carey
00:43:34and this is his Uncle Bradley.
00:43:37The future president
00:43:39of the United States of America.
00:43:41It's a pleasure to meet you.
00:43:43Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
00:43:45What in God's name?
00:43:47I'm gonna have a heart attack.
00:43:49I'm the one who's dying here,
00:43:51not you.
00:43:53All you motherfuckers care about is my will.
00:43:55Pop, you know how expensive it is
00:43:57to become president.
00:43:59And what a good president you'll be.
00:44:01America, oh, boom!
00:44:03Boom, boom, boom!
00:44:06Your hand's healed.
00:44:08It's the healing power of your booty, baby.
00:44:10And, young lady, did you notice
00:44:12I never once fondled my wife's titties
00:44:14at the dining room table.
00:44:16I'm so proud of you.
00:44:18I'm proud of everybody.
00:44:20Shut the fuck up!
00:44:22Shut up.
00:44:26Pops?
00:44:28You shut the fuck up, too!
00:44:30Hey, Papi?
00:44:32Papi, look at me.
00:44:34That's enough.
00:44:36The pills.
00:44:44Whoa.
00:44:46So is anybody else, uh...
00:44:48Anybody else peckish?
00:44:50Anybody hungry? I'm hungry. Anybody?
00:44:52I could eat.
00:44:54Gene wants for dinner.
00:44:56Hope it's not that casserole.
00:44:58Tastes more like a asshole.
00:45:00If your people don't like the food here,
00:45:02You hear me?
00:45:03I have just about enough of all this bullshit.
00:45:08Ted, I don't know about all this vampire, zombie nonsense,
00:45:12whatever it is, but it's not going to happen in my family.
00:45:15You understand?
00:45:16It's going to stop right now.
00:45:18You're damn right.
00:45:19I'm still in charge of this house.
00:45:20Wait, Livia.
00:45:21Don't leave me.
00:45:24She's going to bite you.
00:45:29She's going to bite you.
00:45:33Livia?
00:45:34She's going to bite you.
00:45:35Livia?
00:45:52Livia?
00:45:56Livia?
00:46:02Livia?
00:46:31Hi, this is Livia.
00:46:32I'm in the kitchen.
00:46:33I'll call you back.
00:46:37Oh, shit.
00:46:38Shit.
00:46:43Ah!
00:46:44Ah!
00:46:45Ah!
00:46:46Ah!
00:46:59Livia?
00:47:01Livia?
00:47:07Livia?
00:47:13Hello?
00:47:14Hello?
00:47:16You don't look so good.
00:47:18Love got you down?
00:47:20Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
00:47:32God.
00:47:33Livia, there you are.
00:47:35I've been looking all over for you, this place.
00:47:37This place is so creepy.
00:47:42Are you OK?
00:47:45I mean, I have your shoe.
00:47:50Look, Livia, I'm sorry, OK?
00:47:52Please forgive me.
00:47:53I shouldn't have taken you there.
00:47:55What is wrong with them?
00:47:57They're crazy.
00:47:58They think I'm a vampire.
00:48:01Yeah, well, they think I'm a zombie.
00:48:04My god, Ted, you are a zombie, OK?
00:48:07You're in denial.
00:48:08And I guess I'm a fool for thinking
00:48:10I could trust a zombie.
00:48:11You're probably just interested in my brains.
00:48:16Yeah, well, for your information,
00:48:17I think you're a vampire.
00:48:18And I suppose all you're interested in is my blood,
00:48:20right?
00:48:21Maybe.
00:48:22Well, then go ahead, Livvy.
00:48:25Bite me.
00:48:26Oh, I'm so tempted.
00:48:29Yeah, well, I'm tempted to eat your brains.
00:48:31Well, then go ahead.
00:48:32Eat my brains, Ted, you zombie.
00:48:34Eat them.
00:48:50Are you OK, Livvy?
00:48:51Did I hurt you?
00:48:59Ah!
00:49:08Oh.
00:49:09Oh, no.
00:49:10Oh, I'm sorry.
00:49:12Livvy, are you OK?
00:49:13No, no, I'm OK.
00:49:14Are you?
00:49:16Look, I would never want to hurt you, OK?
00:49:21I love you.
00:49:23What the hell are we going to do?
00:49:26You're a zombie, and I'm a fucking vampire.
00:49:30Yeah, well, I guess it all makes sense now.
00:49:34I understand why I'm tempted to bite people's heads.
00:49:39I want to bite your neck so bad.
00:49:45God, how did this happen?
00:49:47I don't want to hurt anyone, Ted.
00:49:50Neither do I.
00:49:51Let's make a pact.
00:49:53Like a blood pact?
00:49:55Um, no, probably not a good idea.
00:49:58Think you pact?
00:50:00So nobody has to die.
00:50:02Nobody that isn't already dead.
00:50:04Right.
00:50:08Promise you'll stay with me forever?
00:50:17Forever could be a really long time for us, huh?
00:50:22Yeah.
00:50:40Ow!
00:50:43Ow!
00:50:45Wolfgang?
00:50:47Hi, Wolfgang.
00:50:49Hey, Ted.
00:50:51Hey, Livvy.
00:50:55Hey.
00:51:02Watch out for the alligators.
00:51:06I'm terrified.
00:51:13I love you, Ted.
00:51:22Yes!
00:51:25Well, if it isn't Lazy One and Lazy Two.
00:51:30I don't get it.
00:51:32It's a Dr. Seuss reference, dipshit.
00:51:36Anyway, I'm just coming by to make sure some work is getting done around here.
00:51:40But nobody's being a...
00:51:42zombie.
00:51:55Zombie.
00:51:58That is funny stuff.
00:51:59Come on.
00:52:10Best worker competition's right around the corner, you know.
00:52:13Oh, best worker, best worker.
00:52:15Over here.
00:52:17Yes, I am working so ultra hard.
00:52:20It is exhausting.
00:52:22Seriously.
00:52:25What?
00:52:27What are you working on?
00:52:29I'm working on the numbers for stateside.
00:52:33And?
00:52:35Oh, a spreadsheet for your afternoon meeting, sir.
00:52:39Very good.
00:52:41Better be careful.
00:52:42You just might win best worker.
00:52:44No, that's mean.
00:52:46I'm really not worried about that.
00:52:48Nor should you be.
00:52:49You're hilarious.
00:52:52So many.
00:52:55I get it.
00:52:56You're a funny guy.
00:52:57You're a funny guy.
00:52:58You're the boss.
00:52:59Funny.
00:53:00Hey, I think I deserve a little respect around here.
00:53:04And you might want to comb your hair once in a while, Ted.
00:53:07What?
00:53:09Anyway, it seems like you two are getting along pretty well with my new secretary, Bonnie.
00:53:13Yeah, she's really nice.
00:53:17It's not so sure how smart.
00:53:20Old Bon Bon is, you know what I'm saying?
00:53:23You don't know how smart she is, Frank?
00:53:29What is that?
00:53:31I mean, what is that?
00:53:33Is that another one of your stupid jokes?
00:53:37You can call me Lazy One or Lazy Two or any other names that you want.
00:53:43But you leave Bonnie alone.
00:53:46Bonnie is not the best worker.
00:53:48I suggest you watch how you talk to me if you want to keep your job.
00:53:53And you can call me Mr. Lee.
00:53:55Mr. Lee?
00:53:56Yes.
00:53:57Bantaloopa.
00:53:58Also needs to sign a few things...
00:54:00Hey, you might want to tell your boyfriend here to watch his...
00:54:07Ass.
00:54:08Ass.
00:54:17What was that all about?
00:54:19Well, Ricky here just kicked Frank Lee's...
00:54:23Ass.
00:54:25Really?
00:54:26Yeah.
00:54:27That's pretty sexy.
00:54:31You coming to lunch?
00:54:32Yeah, I'll meet you guys over there.
00:54:38Oh, jeez.
00:54:45Ted, you've got to help me get Bonnie to the basement for a surprise before Monday.
00:54:52What's the surprise, Mel? And what's going on Monday?
00:54:57I'll get that.
00:54:59Monday is when they announce best worker.
00:55:03Oh, you know, Bonnie's deciding that, right? Is that why you want to give her something?
00:55:07What? And she will? Wait, then she'll choose herself.
00:55:13No, no, Mel. She can't choose herself. She can't be best worker.
00:55:18She has to count all the votes, and then if there's a tie, she gets to decide who wins it.
00:55:24Wow, that's so not what I thought.
00:55:30Yeah.
00:55:31Ultra interesting.
00:55:32Yeah.
00:55:34See you later.
00:55:35What?
00:55:36Can I have that?
00:55:38Sure.
00:55:42I like it.
00:55:44You like it?
00:55:46Yeah.
00:55:47What about you?
00:55:49I like it too.
00:55:51Good.
00:55:54I like it.
00:55:55You like it?
00:55:56Yeah.
00:55:57Good.
00:55:58Then I'll have that.
00:56:00I like it.
00:56:01And you?
00:56:03I like it too.
00:56:04There's something I need to say.
00:56:09I know all of you have known for a while now, but I am a zombie.
00:56:17A zombie?
00:56:20Yep.
00:56:21Zombie named Ted.
00:56:24I'm feeling pretty dumb these days.
00:56:27Excellent, Grendel.
00:56:29I am so happy for you.
00:56:33I am a vampire.
00:56:35I knew that.
00:56:40These lollipops I always stock on, I make them myself.
00:56:45Out of blood.
00:56:49You see, I knew you guys would think that was gross.
00:56:51Ted, how is this knowledge affecting the way you feel about Livia?
00:56:59It doesn't matter to me.
00:57:04I have the cutest patients.
00:57:10So I guess eating bloody pops isn't as big a deal as I thought it was.
00:57:14Do you have to call them that?
00:57:15Where do you get the blood from?
00:57:17The hospital, usually.
00:57:19The morgue, too.
00:57:20Hey, you okay?
00:57:22No.
00:57:25No.
00:57:28No.
00:57:31No.
00:57:34No.
00:57:37No.
00:57:39No.
00:57:42You know, that's actually a really good idea, honey.
00:57:44That way, no one has to die.
00:57:47Your little ploy of making me swip on ice cream down the stairs may have worked, Candy,
00:57:53but I am still alive!
00:57:56Not only that, but the handsome doctor who bandaged me up was none other than your high school sweetheart.
00:58:02The one that got away?
00:58:04Oh, we made passionate love when he was done.
00:58:09None of my patients listen to me!
00:58:12Mr. Von Chow Chow, can you please go back to my office right now?
00:58:18Wait!
00:58:25I don't need you, Nora.
00:58:27Yes, you do!
00:58:28I don't!
00:58:29You do!
00:58:30No!
00:58:31Yes, I don't need you!
00:58:34I don't need you!
00:58:36Yes, you do!
00:58:37No!
00:58:38I hate us!
00:58:40No!
00:58:41No!
00:58:42No!
00:58:43No!
00:58:48Mm-hmm.
00:58:50How's my favorite secretary been?
00:58:52About to put in her notice.
00:58:54Wait, what?
00:58:56Why?
00:58:57I applied for Frank's job, and I got it.
00:59:01What?
00:59:02They've been grooming her for this, and Frank has no idea.
00:59:09Oh, man.
00:59:10We all deserve some changes around here.
00:59:12Which is today.
00:59:14Um, Monday?
00:59:15That's your question?
00:59:17Today is the day that someone ultra-special gets a trophy for the best worker.
00:59:23I hope you get it.
00:59:25Hey, you know, I voted for you, Mel.
00:59:27So did I.
00:59:28I like zombies.
00:59:30Just don't eat my brains, Ted.
00:59:32I don't want to eat your brains, Mel.
00:59:34Guys, I don't want to hurt anybody.
00:59:38All right, look.
00:59:39I realize I've been in denial.
00:59:41And this is more than just a skin thing, obviously.
00:59:45I am a zombie.
00:59:47Ew.
00:59:48Look, I'm sorry for freaking you guys out so much.
00:59:53Well, I guess now's as good a time as any to hand out the best worker trophy.
00:59:58Yes!
01:00:01Okay, Frank Lee asked me to do the presentation so everyone would gather around.
01:00:07The votes have been tallied, and so without further ado,
01:00:10the best worker award goes to...
01:00:14Mel!
01:00:17Go, Mel!
01:00:19Very good.
01:00:20Yeah!
01:00:21Thank you so much.
01:00:23Want to see a Tyrannosaurus Rex?
01:00:25Yeah!
01:00:26It's so heavy!
01:00:27It's so heavy!
01:00:29Okay, Mel.
01:00:30Okay.
01:00:31Okay, Mel.
01:00:33Here you go.
01:00:34You certainly deserve this.
01:00:35You are a very hard worker.
01:00:36You smell good.
01:00:38You smell good.
01:00:40You smell beautiful.
01:00:41And I don't think anybody else deserves this award more than you do.
01:00:44Thank you so much.
01:00:45Thank you, guys.
01:00:46Thank you, guys.
01:00:49Marie Polis!
01:00:51With captives!
01:00:59Meltheus Corpus Lithium.
01:01:04That's me.
01:01:06What kind of name is that?
01:01:08Oh, well, it's California.
01:01:10Oh.
01:01:11Yeah.
01:01:12Makes sense.
01:01:13Now maybe you can tell us why we found these missing people locked in a room in the basement of this building.
01:01:18Yeah.
01:01:21Well, they got food.
01:01:23I gave them food.
01:01:25Food actually wasn't that bad.
01:01:26We've got a rodent problem down there.
01:01:28And it also gets really cold at night.
01:01:29It does get cold.
01:01:30It got cold.
01:01:31I gave them blankets.
01:01:32And they were thin.
01:01:34Meltheus.
01:01:35They were thin.
01:01:36Oh, to be fair, Mel did get me a lovely birthday gift.
01:01:42And that was super.
01:01:47Yeah, but these are people's families.
01:01:49I've been missing them.
01:01:50Well, they can all go home now.
01:01:52Because I'm best worker now.
01:01:56Thanks.
01:01:57Hold your applause.
01:01:58Hold on.
01:01:59That's what this is all about?
01:02:01You locked these people in a basement so that they could win the best worker trophy?
01:02:05Uh, yeah.
01:02:07Yeah.
01:02:08Give me that trophy.
01:02:09No, no, no.
01:02:10Yes.
01:02:11No, no, no.
01:02:12Let it go.
01:02:13Don't desert me.
01:02:14Let it go.
01:02:17Mel, you can't win best worker if you lock people up in a basement.
01:02:20I didn't know that.
01:02:22Does anyone know what Jimi Hendrix is saying in Purple Haze?
01:02:27Oh, never mind all that.
01:02:29Meltheus, none of these people have decided to press charges,
01:02:32which means we are not going to arrest you today.
01:02:35But I suggest you don't do anything like this ever again.
01:02:37You hear me?
01:02:38I hear you.
01:02:40Mel, and whoever is going to be the one that wins the best worker trophy
01:02:45is going to be a person who doesn't lock their coworkers in a basement.
01:02:48Yeah.
01:02:50Sometimes other people have to win the trophy.
01:02:52Mel, and if I can be a zombie and not eat people,
01:02:54I think you can be the best worker here and not lock people up.
01:02:57Zombie.
01:02:58All right, all right, yeah, I'm a zombie, all right?
01:03:00Get over it.
01:03:01Let's get out of here, Sergeant.
01:03:04Bye.
01:03:05Be good.
01:03:08Captives,
01:03:10be gone.
01:03:19I'll weep in your vise, a fiddler pool, your honey had a mind.
01:03:24I'll weep in your preacher, we chow alley, swing to add a mind.
01:03:30All right, Poppy, old man, let's get this party started.
01:03:34I'll go first.
01:03:36As first lady,
01:03:38Carrie always got to be first.
01:03:41Dear Carrie,
01:03:43though you are no direct relation to me
01:03:45and I don't think you got much in the way of brains.
01:03:49Shut up, ugly old fool, shut up, Poppy.
01:03:51You go ahead, baby.
01:03:53I think you and your dumb husband...
01:03:57Dumb son of a bitch!
01:03:58I'm sorry, keep reading, sweetheart.
01:04:01...should go to the White House,
01:04:03where a bunch of other dummies have lived.
01:04:06All right.
01:04:07So I've left you enough money to do that.
01:04:11There's a bag with your name on it.
01:04:14Nope, not that one.
01:04:16Take that, all you naysayers!
01:04:19America of boom!
01:04:22White House, baby!
01:04:23We go to funeral for God's sakes!
01:04:28Okay, I get it, I get it.
01:04:30Excuse me, everybody,
01:04:32for boning my wife in front of the ashes of your dead daddy.
01:04:36I think my gorgeous wife
01:04:38deserves the honor to read ours.
01:04:40And by the way, you look mighty pretty today.
01:04:43Thank you, baby.
01:04:44But I can't take all the credit.
01:04:47I've been using infinite natural
01:04:50and it's been clearing up my skin.
01:04:53It is good for the hands, the face,
01:04:56and every bumpy place.
01:04:59Infinite naturals is naturally infinite.
01:05:06Here we go.
01:05:09Dear Jorge,
01:05:11that wife of yours can't cook.
01:05:15I was never proud of you, son,
01:05:18but you tried.
01:05:20Irregardless, fuckers,
01:05:23I am leaving you and Gene a bag.
01:05:27Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus!
01:05:29Well, pops,
01:05:31you're a pain in the ass till the end,
01:05:34but I'm going to miss you!
01:05:39That's it.
01:05:40Yay!
01:05:42One hand high five.
01:05:44Welcome to the reach club.
01:05:47Go ahead, son. It's your turn.
01:05:51Dear Ted,
01:05:53you were the only one that I loved.
01:05:56Except Linda.
01:05:59But there at the end, you were a zombie
01:06:01and I just can't tolerate that.
01:06:06So, no money for you.
01:06:10But I did leave you some coupons
01:06:12to help with expenses.
01:06:15Wow!
01:06:16Sorry, son.
01:06:17My turn.
01:06:21My darling Linda,
01:06:23love of my life,
01:06:26the biggest bag is, of course, for you
01:06:29and will allow you to finish your sorcery training
01:06:32and do any other damn thing you please
01:06:35forever in my memory.
01:06:37That's some bullshit right there.
01:06:40Oh!
01:06:41There's my new boyfriend.
01:06:43I'll be practicing my newest love spell on him
01:06:45right about now.
01:06:50Ta-ta, everyone!
01:06:52Don't miss me too much!
01:07:01Thank God, that bitch is gone.
01:07:20What the hell?
01:07:22What was that?
01:07:26Poppy blew that woman up.
01:07:29Red flag.
01:07:31God may not be here when you want him,
01:07:33but he's always right on time.
01:07:36Yes.
01:07:38I think we can all agree with my bitch.
01:07:42Let's check out the loot!
01:07:45Wait, wait, wait.
01:07:46Be careful now.
01:07:48I think he's safe.
01:07:51Yes!
01:07:52Yes!
01:07:53Yes!
01:07:54Yes!
01:07:55Stop!
01:07:56Stop celebrating!
01:07:57It's fake.
01:07:58It's fake!
01:07:59Oh, no!
01:08:00No, no, no!
01:08:01Let me check out!
01:08:02Oh, my God!
01:08:03No, no, no!
01:08:07Oh, I wish I could burn your ass up more right now!
01:08:12Be strong, baby.
01:08:14Be strong.
01:08:15Be strong.
01:08:16I wanted to give Teddy an infinite natural super treatment.
01:08:22Once to come of our country.
01:08:25I was going to get you a prosthetic and surprise you.
01:08:30This is not what George Washington died for.
01:08:35I wanted you to hold me for life.
01:08:40I can't hold myself.
01:08:45I got maxed out the credit card.
01:08:50I've been an infinite natural.
01:09:00It isn't the end of the world.
01:09:03Yeah, it is.
01:09:06Listen, I am not going to mistreat you, okay?
01:09:10What good would that do?
01:09:12I want you to care about your job and to work hard.
01:09:16And if you can learn to do that and treat people better,
01:09:20I'm sure we can find a place for you in some capacity.
01:09:25In some capacity?
01:09:29What, like the janitor or pool boy?
01:09:35We have a pool here?
01:09:36We don't have a pool here.
01:09:39Listen, why don't you take a week off?
01:09:43And when you get back, we can sit down and find a place that fits for you, huh?
01:09:50I'm sure you have some family who would want to see more of you.
01:09:55No, I don't.
01:09:59I think it would help if you took some time off.
01:10:04Oh, gosh.
01:10:07Frank, do you want a hug?
01:10:11Yeah.
01:10:12Okay, come on, bring it in.
01:10:20Oh, okay.
01:10:23You're kind of sitting in my chair.
01:10:26Okay.
01:10:34I'm going to need you to get up.
01:10:37Oh.
01:10:53Let me see what kind of people this kid is.
01:10:55He's coming for cereal or something.
01:11:01Oh, look at that.
01:11:03There is a letter in here for you from your grandfather.
01:11:06Dumbass.
01:11:07You want to see what it says?
01:11:11Dear Teddy, you didn't really think I'd only leave you cereal coupons, did you?
01:11:17You fucking tool.
01:11:19You've known your whole life, but the rest of those idiots will never know.
01:11:23Which is money can't buy you love.
01:11:25You will know what to do with this.
01:11:27I've enclosed Dan Bishop's business card.
01:11:30He's the man at Dentoken Blitzer Bank who will help you access your money.
01:11:34Don't let me down, buddy.
01:11:35Love forever.
01:11:37Your Poppy.
01:11:39Ted!
01:11:40Are you kidding me?
01:11:42Whoa, I can't believe this.
01:11:44Dang, Ted, you might just be the richest zombie alive.
01:11:47The richest zombie alive?
01:11:51I'm the richest zombie dead.
01:11:54Named Ted.
01:12:00Come on, guys.
01:12:31I'm just like you
01:12:34Maybe I'm just hiding
01:12:41We could throw our heads back
01:12:45I'll let them move
01:12:49If you only knew
01:12:55If you only knew
01:12:59I'm just like you
01:13:03I'm just better at pretending
01:13:10We could run through the streets
01:13:15Dance on cobblestones
01:13:18But just like you
01:13:21Inside I'm all alone
01:13:27If you only knew
01:13:29How confused
01:13:31How afraid, how blue
01:13:34If you only knew
01:13:37You'd see
01:13:39I'm just like you
01:13:42If you only knew
01:13:46If you only knew
01:13:49Maybe you'd take my hand
01:13:53Maybe then we'd dance along the sand
01:14:00Maybe we could start something
01:14:04Bigger than you and me
01:14:08Something for all the world to see
01:14:15Oh, what we could do
01:14:23If you only knew
01:14:31If you only knew
01:14:33Leave her alone, zombie.
01:14:34Please don't hurt me.
01:14:36Can you stop?
01:14:37Please.
01:14:38Now you're being dramatic.
01:14:39Oh, my God!
01:14:40Mel! Mel!
01:14:41Eww.
01:14:43Eww.
01:14:45Eww.
01:14:4720 crackers, take four.
01:14:48Cut it.
01:14:50Sorry.
01:14:52I'm just...
01:14:54Sick and tired?
01:14:57Give me a sec, okay.
01:15:00Okay, I'll get this.
01:15:02Look, I'm just sick and tired
01:15:03of people calling me a zombie.
01:15:06Cheers.
01:15:07Cheers.
01:15:10Excuse me.
01:15:11Oh my God.
01:15:12Before you had sex, can you please hand me my sandwich?
01:15:16No.
01:15:17I think she's lying on it.
01:15:18Scene three, echo.
01:15:19Take one.
01:15:20I forgot my line.
01:15:21Damn princess.
01:15:22Marker.
01:15:23Oh, sorry.
01:15:24Get in the way.
01:15:25I think I just need to write down another note about myself.
01:15:26Where did I put my pen?
01:15:27Damn it.
01:15:28Ted, did you eat my pen?
01:15:29No.
01:15:30No.
01:15:31No.
01:15:32No.
01:15:33No.
01:15:34No.
01:15:35No.
01:15:36No.
01:15:37No.
01:15:38No.
01:15:39No.
01:15:40No.
01:15:41Did you eat my pen?
01:15:42Marker.
01:15:43I'm sorry, Ted.
01:15:44I'm sorry.
01:15:45Marker.
01:15:46I can't fucking stop there.
01:15:47Marker.
01:15:48Hi, Ricky.
01:15:49Hi, Ricky.
01:15:50So Ricky's there.
01:15:51Yeah.
01:15:52So seriously, can you please hand me my pen?
01:15:53No.
01:15:54No.
01:15:55No.
01:15:56No.
01:15:57No.
01:15:58No.
01:15:59No.
01:16:00No.
01:16:01No.
01:16:02No.
01:16:03No.
01:16:04No.
01:16:05No.
01:16:06No.
01:16:07No.
01:16:08Oh good, good.
01:16:09Okay.
01:16:10So, seriously, are you still rolling, or what?
01:16:11My- sorry.
01:16:12It's okay.
01:16:13Oh my God, that's-
01:16:14You see what you did?
01:16:18Yeah.
01:16:19You broke it.
01:16:20Can I keep holding it?
01:16:21No, you can't.
01:16:22That was because your moral character was not sound enough.
01:16:38She's got a hat on her shoulders and a wicked smile
01:16:43I'd like to get in there and poke around a while
01:16:47Girls like her are oh so rare
01:16:51With their porcelain skin and midnight hair
01:16:54Should I ask her for a piece of her mind?
01:16:57Bravo 5 Kilo, take one. Marker.
01:17:00I'll grant you those wishes. What are they? Give them to me.
01:17:04The wishes would be I wish she would.
01:17:09That's not three wishes. That's four words.
01:17:12I wish she would.
01:17:15You must be gifted.
01:17:17What did you say?
01:17:18I said we need a chef.
01:17:20What did you say?
01:17:22You know, I just realized that she would is not a word.
01:17:24So what makes you think that I'm a zombie?
01:17:26I just get the feeling that you're going to eat my head at any second.
01:17:28That's, well that's a very false feeling.
01:17:31That's indicative of zombieism as far as I know.
01:17:33Yeah, but that's, you're not.
01:17:34Look at the way you're looking at my noggin right now.
01:17:36Scene 19.
01:17:37Excuse me for funneling my wife's areola at the dining room.
01:17:40That's, what is the areola specifically?
01:17:43It's this part right here.
01:17:46Just keep your teeth off my body.
01:17:48No, she looks a little like a vampire, but she's.
01:17:51What?
01:17:53Oh man.
01:17:56What? What? What? What? What? Huh?
01:18:00Nope.
01:18:01What?
01:18:02Excuse me for giving my wife a clinical breast exam at the dinner table.
01:18:07I thought we were family.
01:18:12You need to do that on a regular basis.
01:18:14These aren't going to mammogram themselves.
01:18:19That's true.
01:18:20Then of course I'm going to outlaw anybody who comes from a country that has an ah sound in it.
01:18:27We cannot do this.
01:18:29No.
01:18:31No.
01:18:33Ted, just tell me when it's okay.
01:18:35I can do this.
01:18:37Uncle Bradley, that's, please stop.
01:18:39None of us want to see that.
01:18:41Okay.
01:18:42We're rolling.
01:18:49Stay calm in my country.
01:18:54All the little American boys and girls.
01:18:58Just stay calm, baby.
01:19:00With no apple pie.
01:19:11Shut up, dead old man.
01:19:13You see what you've done?
01:19:14I hate you. I hate you.
01:19:2731 spicy.
01:19:29My family's going to hell and I am back.
01:19:34What does that mean?
01:19:40Shoot me.
01:19:42Shoot me, motherfucker.
01:19:43Just shoot me right now.
01:19:45Take me out there.
01:19:47Take me home.
01:19:52Baby, feel me drink your loving cup.
01:19:58I feel the hunger rising.
01:20:01I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:20:05I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:20:09I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:20:13Friends, do you or someone you know suffer from moderate to severe acne, eczema, seborrhea, psoriasis, chicken pox, moles, warts, athlete's foot, or iguana flesh?
01:20:20Have you experienced dry flesh, flaky flesh, oozing flesh, evil flesh, creeping flesh, disintegrating flesh, oily flesh, red flesh, blue flesh, or scaly skin?
01:20:28Your answer might be Necronew Formula.
01:20:31That's Necronew.
01:20:34Possible side effects of Necronew.
01:20:36Rashes, hives, spoils, cysts, spots, body parts, or other conditions.
01:20:39Use wisely.
01:20:42Should I ask him for a piece of his mind?
01:20:46Could he be in love with somebody of my kind?
01:20:52I want to tell him that I just want to eat you up.
01:21:02I can almost taste your tender love.
01:21:07Take one.
01:21:09I just want to drink you down.
01:21:17I am a zombie named Ted.
01:21:23I am a zombie named Ted.
01:21:29I am a zombie named Ted.
01:21:33Ted?
01:21:37Ted!
01:21:40I just want to drink you down.
01:21:47Baby, feel me drink your loving cup.
01:21:53I feel the hunger rising.
01:21:57I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:22:01I feel the hunger rising.
01:22:06I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:22:09I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:22:12I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:22:15I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:22:18I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:22:21I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:22:24I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:22:27I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:22:30I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:22:33I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:22:36I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:22:39I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:22:42I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:22:45I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:22:48I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:22:51I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:22:54I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:22:57I feel the hunger rising, rising.
01:23:00♪
01:23:24Hmm, so sad.
01:23:27Mr. Arabari, I told you to wait in my office.