BBC Horizon_Mad but Glad
Transcript
00:00I have to place all ten fingers on everything in front of me. The mirror is there, I'm now going to have to touch the mirror.
00:09I can see a button I've done on my shirt, which has to be undone and done up many times and now I have to go back to the others.
00:18Again, of course, while I'm doing this, my neck is starting to tick.
00:23Nick Van Bloss has suffered with Tourette's Syndrome all his life.
00:27I now have to punch my stomach and I've got to go back to the touching now.
00:34Unfortunately, it's regimented and it's going in sync with the ticks that are happening in the body.
00:43Every day, it controls his movements, it directs his thoughts.
00:47I can hear a door squeak and I'll have to make the squeak sound.
00:51I want to stick my fingers in the sandwiches. It's a wash, I'm almost dizzy and spinning.
00:56I want to spit in the waiter behind the bar's eye.
00:59It's like something's inside of me, making me do things I don't want to do.
01:04And yet, one thing can stop it all.
01:11Since the age of 11, Nick has controlled his Tourette's by playing the piano.
01:18It made him one of the most promising talents of his generation.
01:25Until the day the Tourette's came back to haunt him.
01:29For centuries, people have believed in the idea of the mad genius.
01:49That with the gift, comes the curse.
01:55But is there really something about certain illnesses that makes the sufferers more creative?
02:06Could there be a link between this young boy's autism and his music?
02:11I just got the piano and played and then the signals from my mind go to the fingertips.
02:17Is there a connection between these schizophrenic patients and their art?
02:21I try to go a little bit beyond reality, that's why I don't paint just pictorial things.
02:26I try to get into the super-reality.
02:31It's a question that has played Nick van Bloss all his life.
02:43When he was seven, he was really a happy and lovely boy.
02:47And suddenly, just one day, he started to shake his head really violently and he just couldn't stop.
02:56Tourette's is a movement disorder that kicks in at childhood and can affect every part of the body.
03:04It was the head shaking, the blinking, the nodding, the shrugging, grinding of the teeth,
03:13punching himself in the stomach hard.
03:16And always, even now, there's always something flexing, a muscle.
03:22Never, never still.
03:25The first sound I made was a very high-pitched sound.
03:30I then developed this sound.
03:34Raspberries came next.
03:36The toot-toot for train, I would hear that on the TV and I'd have to...
03:40It wouldn't be once, though, it would be again and again and again.
03:46With the symptoms came the bullying.
03:49You're a fucking animal, you're a retard, you don't deserve to live, you're a freak.
03:55Teachers said it to me, pupils said it to me.
03:58And they would mimic me, they would come up to me and do this in my face.
04:05Nick was 11 when a chance event changed everything.
04:11I was coming home from the shops
04:15and I saw an old piano in the garden saying, Good Home Wanted.
04:21I remember going to the piano, I couldn't even play it, didn't know what to do.
04:25And I just found a joy in just touching and feeling my way around.
04:29And suddenly it was as though I'd found a way of directing this energy within me.
04:36I would always be thinking of music and dying to get to the piano or at school
04:41and dying to get home, so I could run home, place my fingers on the keys
04:45and just have a feeling of absolute delight, it was almost ecstatic.
04:50Everything that the piano gave me was satisfying my Tourette's
04:54and uniquely, the Tourette's stopped.
04:57As soon as I touched the keys, the tics went away.
05:00It was a highly addictive, wonderful drug that transformed me
05:05and I would transcend to this wonderful place where I was safe, I was happy,
05:08I accepted everything about myself and I loved it.
05:17Nick made radical progress and four years later was auditioning for the Royal College of Music.
05:24I remember walking along this very corridor, the sounds around me,
05:28swimming around, my head spinning with anticipation, excitement.
05:33The audition piece going through my head, I walked in here,
05:36I was amazed by this piano, I'd never seen anything like it.
05:40The examiners were sitting there, they asked me to sit.
05:45It was over to me.
05:54I was sort of on the edge of my seat thinking, what are you going to say?
05:58Please tell me that you love it because I want to be here.
06:01This is my world.
06:24There was this pregnant pause before they all nodded and said,
06:28who do you want to study with?
06:37Once at the college, Nick thrived.
06:40He felt his illness and his music had become magical partners,
06:44his disorder powering his creativity.
06:47But was it?
06:50What exactly is happening inside Nick's brain when he is being creative?
07:08In the really dark, dingy train tunnel, I had to crawl through it.
07:13It was dark.
07:15I baked the biggest cake in an oven.
07:18At the University of Exeter, an experiment is under way.
07:22It's attempting to look inside the brain at the moment of creativity.
07:30The volunteers are given a few simple words
07:33and then asked to create a story
07:35while their brains are examined in an MRI scanner.
07:40Three words would flash on a computer screen very briefly
07:44and they would have 20 seconds to make up some sort of plot or a storyline
07:48that incorporated those three words.
07:50Sometimes we asked them to make up a story that was as creative as possible.
07:56Sometimes we asked them to make up a story that was uncreative.
08:01In a normal subject, Dr Paul Howard has discovered a fundamental difference
08:05between a brain when it is trying to be creative and when it's not.
08:09As you'd expect, regions of the normal brain show significantly more activity
08:13when it's trying to be creative.
08:19But what about an abnormal brain?
08:25Nick is the first person with Tourette's to take part in the study
08:29to see if his brain is any different.
08:36A bee was circling around me on a very warm summer's day
08:41in a polluted city in a wonderful period where instruments were handcrafted.
08:45I go to it and play it. I feel absolutely magnificent.
08:48How do you feel?
08:49Good. I can think freely now.
08:53I don't have to worry about holding my head straight.
08:58After analysing the results, it seems that Nick's brain does work in a different way.
09:03He can't switch the flow of creativity off.
09:07The difference between Nick being creative and uncreative is virtually none.
09:13I was really fascinated to see Nick being creative.
09:18There was almost a runaway effect going on there.
09:21He was actually finding it difficult to stop.
09:24Even when we asked him to be uncreative,
09:27the stories that he was producing were actually very creative.
09:31I also sensed to some extent that he was more uncomfortable when he was being uncreative.
09:38And it was almost a palpable sense of rising anxiety when he was trying to be uncreative.
09:45This study seems to show that Nick has an endless flow of creativity,
09:50just like the permanent flow of energy Nick feels from his Tourette's.
09:54It's unstoppable.
09:57By the age of 19, Nick was performing at home and abroad.
10:01His Tourette's and his music were working in a seemingly perfect partnership.
10:08It changed him. He became a pianist.
10:11He was good. He was really, really good.
10:13He was a great pianist.
10:15He was a great pianist.
10:17He was a great pianist.
10:19He was a great pianist.
10:21He was a great pianist.
10:23He was a great pianist.
10:25He was good. He was really, really good.
10:29Nick had never felt better when, in 1993,
10:32he reached the final stage in a major international competition.
10:37He was in Valencia, playing in front of an audience of 300 people.
10:49As I was waiting to walk on, I could see the piano there,
10:52and I was usually very calm.
10:53At that point, my Tourette's has left me.
10:56Suddenly, I was on the platform.
10:59The light seemed really harsh on me.
11:01I could feel the sweat trickling.
11:03I could feel my fingers.
11:05It was like everything got faster and faster.
11:08And I knew I could feel this energy from deep within me welling up.
11:13And it was like it was coming to the top of my head.
11:16And it did, and I started kicking my head.
11:19And I couldn't stop.
11:21There was nothing I could do to control it.
11:23Nothing to stop it.
11:25And my hands flew up in the air.
11:27And they stayed there.
11:30All I wanted to do was to be alone,
11:32and to be able to let my body shake.
11:35I just pushed myself out into the open air, through a fire exit.
11:38And I just stood there, and I ticked.
11:41And I said, I remember saying to myself quite clearly,
11:44go on, just do it.
11:45I don't give a fuck anymore.
11:51The magic spell had been broken.
11:53Nick has never performed in public again.
11:57I'm scared to play in public,
11:58because I don't want people to see that I have Tourette's Syndrome.
12:02That had never been an issue up to then.
12:05It created a huge confidence crisis.
12:07And it's actually one from which I've never been able to recover.
12:12TOURETTE'S SYNDROME
12:18For 14 years, Nick has lost the wonderful bond
12:21between his illness and his music.
12:23But now he wants it back.
12:25He wants to explore the basis of this fragile connection.
12:30His quest has brought him to the United States,
12:32to seek out others who appear gifted by their disorder.
12:36He's going to meet a child prodigy,
12:38who struggled with all human emotional interaction,
12:41but shone once he found music.
12:45Matt is autistic.
12:50I'm just writing a sample tune.
13:05I write chords.
13:06I can write a fast song, a slow song,
13:08I can write a ridiculous time signature.
13:11Matt's condition means he sees the world very differently.
13:15He grasps patterns instinctively.
13:20Children with autism seem to love patterns.
13:23They're looking at a series of notes and can already see the patterns.
13:28They're, if you like, cracking the code of the system very intuitively.
13:32The actual chords are sort of improvised.
13:35I like to improvise.
13:45And that's how it works.
13:48Matt?
13:49Yes?
13:50Let me just show you what we're doing.
13:53For someone who's having a birthday.
13:55Happy birthday to you.
13:57Should I write happy birthday or something?
14:00Why not?
14:01Yeah.
14:02Matt writes his own music and has shared a stage with some of the biggest names in jazz.
14:09But though he has many fans, his condition has made human interaction complicated.
14:15People have characterized autism as involving difficulties with empathy right from the earliest
14:21stage.
14:23So if you ask somebody with autism how they feel and what they're thinking, they may find
14:28it harder to access their own emotional states, their own thoughts.
14:33And it's certainly true that if you ask somebody with autism how somebody else is feeling or
14:37thinking, that's a really challenging question.
14:43Nick has come hoping to talk to Matt about music, though Matt's condition may mean he'll
14:48find the social interaction difficult.
14:50Whilst I am feeling really excited about this, I suppose I also do have this sense of slight
14:56apprehension.
14:57It's the sense that I'm going to find similarities, but also we're going to be coming at things
15:03from different places.
15:05Matt, there's somebody I'd like you to meet.
15:08Come on over here.
15:10This is Nick.
15:11Hey, Nick.
15:12Hello.
15:13Hi, Matt.
15:14How are you doing?
15:15Just great.
15:16I'm going to play a song of mine that I wrote a year ago.
15:19The song is called Free and Easy.
15:49Would you say music's your life?
15:51Do you feel it all the time, are you thinking about it?
15:54Well, I am a musician.
15:57It's what I do.
15:58But when I'm not playing music, I'm just hanging around, chilling.
16:03What do you feel when you're playing?
16:05Where do you go?
16:07I don't really think.
16:10Somehow the signals from my mind go to the fingertips.
16:14I don't think.
16:15I just play.
16:16Okay, but let's say today you're really fresh and you're upbeat, would you then play something
16:22really energetic?
16:23Yeah, I might play, yeah, maybe I would play a couple of songs, like...
16:33And if I'm tired, I'll just play some lazy, boring songs.
16:37Are there times when you have something bursting inside, do you sort of run to the piano and
16:43think, yeah, I've really got to play that, even though the practice is done for the day?
16:46No, I haven't really had that happen.
17:00Nick is not sure what to make of this meeting.
17:03I think one of the things that didn't necessarily add up with me was this sense of drive and
17:10urgency.
17:12There was almost a detachment, which in all creative things has a place, but it was that
17:19passion, that love, that absolute drive that I wasn't sure I could find in Matt.
17:27With me, at Matt's age, the music was bursting out of me, there was nothing I could do.
17:34I'm not sure that Matt sees it in this way.
17:38This emotional and creative barrier could be the other side of Matt's autism.
17:43Matt is clearly talented musically, but he may be operating within a rule-bound world
17:48without the normal freedoms we associate with creativity.
17:53There is this apparent contradiction that some people with autism appear to be very
17:58gifted at improvising, for example, in jazz, as if that's a sign of unlawful creativity,
18:07you know, creativity that's not following laws.
18:09But of course, even in jazz, the music is still following rules, and you vary the rules,
18:17sometimes quite systematically, but of course, to the musicians themselves, they are following
18:22rules very strictly.
18:34Matt's approach seems very different from Nick's.
18:37To find someone who, like him, was emotionally and completely driven, Nick will have to go
18:41to the most unlikely of places, a kitchen floor in Boston.
19:00I woke up one day and everything was different.
19:03It was as if the sun and the mood had changed places.
19:08One night, Alice Flaherty found herself crouched on the floor, writing on whatever she could
19:13lay her hands on.
19:15I was just writing everything down, and I would write anywhere.
19:20If I didn't have paper, I would use a paper towel in a public toilet.
19:23I once tried writing on my arm while I was riding my bicycle.
19:27Alice was in the grip of a mania, a psychological condition called hypergraphia.
19:33Everything seemed so important, and it seemed like it was all slipping away, and I had to
19:37write it down because I would forget it.
19:39Writing became effortless, just ideas poured out, and it was both wonderful and terrible
19:44at the same time.
19:47When I was in the throes of this writing urge, this hypergraphia, it was very clear to me
19:53that it was all about this drive to write.
19:55It wasn't that I suddenly became more talented and felt like I ought to use my new talent.
19:59It was that I had this urge, and that everything else came from that.
20:05Alice was desperate to know what was producing this drive.
20:09By an amazing coincidence, Alice was in an excellent position to find out.
20:18Alice is herself a neurologist.
20:21As she researched her condition, what emerged was a key chemical in the brain.
20:28It's a fairly complicated system, but it looks like the major things that are going on is
20:33a balance between temporal lobe activity over the ears, and then the frontal lobe activity
20:38over more forward in the brain, and then also the crucial role of this chemical dopamine.
20:44It seemed that this key chemical could force Alice to create, that dopamine governs drive.
20:50When Alice took a drug that reduced her dopamine, it reduced her activity.
20:55Within an hour or two, I would be able to calm down, I would be able to listen to one
21:01or two voices of ideas in my head, and that was a huge source of very quick relief.
21:11But could creativity really be kick-started by a mere chemical change in the brain?
21:18Stronger evidence of the power of dopamine would come from one of Alice's own patients.
21:25Putting my seatbelt on is a problem, buttoning buttons is a problem, taking dishes out of
21:34the dishwasher is a problem.
21:35My hands are brittle and stiff, and they're not what they used to be, and I drop them
21:40sometimes.
21:41Greg suffers from a lack of dopamine.
21:43He finds all movements difficult.
21:45He has Parkinson's disease.
21:49Everything from eating to dressing to just walking around in the yard is difficult.
21:54Trying to move the mouse is very difficult.
21:57It's always there, it never goes away, and it doesn't get any better.
22:01It was when Greg was treated for his condition that something extraordinary happened.
22:11He developed an insatiable drive to write music.
22:15I never actually had written any music before this time.
22:18I had played a little tune on the piano for about 20 years.
22:22The only creativity I ever exhibited or recognized.
22:25I never took any music theory or composition courses or anything, it just came out of the
22:30blue.
22:31I have, I think, 32 pieces of music copyrighted now, and I don't know how good I am, but I'm
22:35prolific.
22:37The only explanation for this sudden drive is Greg's inability to balance the dopamine
22:42he takes to treat his illness.
22:46With someone with Parkinson's whose body's desperate for dopamine, he stops regulating,
22:51he never clamps down on his dopamine, he needs every drop of it.
22:54So that means when he gets a pill like this, it floods his body with dopamine and there's
22:58no balance to that.
23:01When he takes a pill, half an hour later as it starts to get into his blood, that's when
23:05he gets this urge to go to the piano and compose.
23:09These dopamine boosts give different Parkinson's patients different drives.
23:14Some patients take to painting or even to gambling.
23:18Greg is sent to the piano.
23:19I'll show you right now how I start the composition process, and I start with the piano always.
23:27Once there, Greg still has to battle with Parkinson's symptoms.
23:32My piano playing is terrible because my hands are so bad.
23:35So I have to be able to see through or hear through the wrong notes to hear the right
23:40notes.
23:41And so I'll play something, and I'll hit wrong notes, but I have to immediately get to the
23:46computer because if I don't get to the computer, I'll forget what I intended.
23:52But what's this got to do with Nick?
23:55Greg's condition makes it hard to move.
23:57Nick can't stop moving.
24:00Their disorders seem so different, and yet both men find that they are driven by them.
24:05Hello, how are you?
24:06Hi.
24:07Greg Rice.
24:08Lovely to meet you.
24:09And that drive is the clue.
24:12So it's made you very prolific, you're...
24:14Yeah, I say I'm prolific, I don't mean I'm talented, but I'm prolific.
24:18Do you have tunes buzzing around in your head?
24:20No, I don't.
24:21It's amazing.
24:22It doesn't hit me until I sit down at the piano.
24:23I'll sit down at the piano, and I'll start playing chords and scales and notes, and all
24:27of a sudden something will take over my hands, and I'll go write a melody.
24:30But the piano is like a friend.
24:31It's like my hands are drawn to go sit down at the piano.
24:34Sometimes at midnight, sometimes first thing in the morning.
24:36How do you experience it?
24:38For me, it's the one thing that controls me.
24:41As soon as I get to the instrument and manage to get to the piano, I'm in control.
24:55You write big stretches there, my little hand.
24:58I like that opening.
24:59You're doing a beautiful job, mate.
25:02Nick and Greg are clearly connected by their musical passion, but there's more.
25:08The chemical imbalance that drives Greg also drives Nick.
25:13A lot of what is going on in Tourette's Syndrome is still a mystery.
25:18But we know that dopamine is very important.
25:21And when you want to treat Tourette's, the best way to do it is actually to block dopamine.
25:27Now, people with Tourette's don't generally enjoy that.
25:31They need their dopamine.
25:32They like being lively and being interested in things.
25:35So there's this very delicate balance.
25:37You want to get rid of the symptoms that are bothering them,
25:39but allow them to still be lively and motivated.
25:46When Nick took medication, he found it took away all his energy.
25:50So he stopped.
25:54Greg has to take his medication, but as his condition worsens,
25:59he struggles to play even his own compositions.
26:05Sort of.
26:07I can't believe you're sight-reading that.
26:09I'm sight-reading.
26:10You're playing beautifully.
26:12And that doesn't mean as much to anybody else as it means to me.
26:15And you have the emotions. You're playing with emotions.
26:19Somebody in here might say, well, that's a nice piece.
26:21But to me, it's first of myself.
26:23It's from the heart.
26:25You did a nice job with that.
26:29Music allows both Nick and Greg
26:32to express their creative and emotional needs.
26:36What drives them in the first place is dopamine.
26:41I really enjoyed meeting Greg.
26:43Actually, I loved the experience.
26:45It was so refreshing to meet someone
26:47who was approaching this whole thing of creativity
26:49from an emotional standpoint.
26:51And I can really relate to that
26:53because it's the emotions that seem to drive the creativity
26:56and both feed off one another.
27:00That's how I feel when I play the piano.
27:02It's almost as though it's the only way I've got
27:05where I can really honestly speak.
27:13The powerful role of dopamine
27:15is the first real link for Nick
27:17between his Tourette's and his urge to create music.
27:21It seems it generates the tics that plague him
27:25but also the insatiable drive.
27:29In fact, his Tourette's may be doing even more than that.
27:33There is another side to Nick's disorder
27:35that he has lived with since childhood.
27:38The tics were only the one side of it.
27:40They were the very openly viewable things.
27:43What was going on in my head was another thing entirely.
27:48Nick feels that his Tourette's
27:50makes him see and experience the world differently.
27:55His everyday experience often becomes so overwhelming
27:58he wants to hide away.
28:01It's a painful characteristic
28:03that psychologist Dr. Jordan Peterson
28:06has seen many times before.
28:08He believes it might be the elusive force
28:11behind the creative spark.
28:14The same spark inside some of the most famous
28:17torture geniuses in history.
28:20Is there anything about me that sets your tics off?
28:23Had I not known you and you'd walked past,
28:26I know that I would have wanted to grab your goatee
28:29and give it a good sweep.
28:31Well, that's actually what it's for.
28:34Nick's obsessive attention to details
28:36means that he notices and fixates on things
28:39that for most of us would just blur into the background.
28:42It's the only way we can make sense of the world
28:45by filtering out the vast majority of stimuli
28:49that are bombarding our senses.
28:51But for Nick, it seems those filters are switched right down.
28:55What's it like for you to be here?
28:57I'm aware of the guy with the coffee there
28:59and the guy with his arm in a sling
29:01and the woman with the very greasy nose
29:03and too much lipstick and things.
29:05These things are just bombarding me.
29:07It's a wash.
29:09I'm almost dizzy and spinning
29:11with the things that are happening around me.
29:13What can you hear?
29:15I'm counting footsteps and rhythms.
29:17I'm trying to categorise them
29:19into an almost The Beats-like pattern.
29:24I'm now aware of someone walking in the window up there
29:27on a platform.
29:29It's this inability to filter the world
29:31that fascinates Jordan.
29:33You're looking at the world through a series of filters.
29:36When you're doing something,
29:38everything is filtered out except what you're focusing on.
29:41Then you can imagine that filter
29:43has different degrees of permeability.
29:46It's like a screen with different apertures.
29:48For some people,
29:50the apertures or the holes are closed.
29:52They never see anything
29:54except exactly what they're focusing on.
29:56But for other people,
29:58the apertures are very large.
30:00Although they can focus on things,
30:02they're bombarded by all sorts of other information too.
30:06Jordan has discovered that this inability
30:08to filter the world
30:10is caused by a particular brain state
30:12called low-latent inhibition.
30:16It's only seen in a minority of individuals.
30:18I'm very aware of how many lights there are.
30:20It's almost as though people are shouting at me directly
30:22as they're walking past in general conversation.
30:24What do you focus on, do you think?
30:26What parts are the people attracting you?
30:28I have this thing for noses,
30:30and I really want to almost grasp and touch.
30:32Again, I'm very aware of the details of people.
30:36Are those the things that you want to grasp?
30:38No, they're not.
30:40They're the things that I don't actually want
30:42in my consciousness at all.
30:45Studying people with low-latent inhibition,
30:47Jordan has found
30:49that this is a crucial characteristic
30:51of the creative mind.
30:53Part of being creative
30:55is the ability to see old things
30:57in a new way.
30:59Someone like Nick has the opportunity
31:01to actually perceive things,
31:03not just to think about them,
31:05but to perceive things
31:07in a multitude of different ways.
31:09For Nick, everything is kind of new.
31:12It's like a rollercoaster ride,
31:14and I just have to go with it.
31:16It's this characteristic,
31:18often painful for Nick,
31:20that might explain why madness
31:22has been linked to creativity.
31:24Jordan's study of low-latent inhibition
31:26has led him to believe
31:28that geniuses from Picasso
31:30to Van Gogh
31:32have all shared this brain state.
31:34The horrific aspect, I think,
31:36is the fact that everything's exaggerated
31:38beyond the norm.
31:40Everything was sort of on fire
31:42all the time,
31:44and that's also the kind of phenomenon
31:46that Van Gogh described.
31:48The sheer level of sensory input
31:50is so high that it virtually overwhelms him.
31:56Jordan has found that it's not just Tourette's
31:58that brings the blessing and curse
32:00of low-latent inhibition.
32:02Tomorrow, Nick will meet a group of people
32:04with a disease that is more infamously
32:06linked with the creative genius
32:09than any other.
32:13I had this dream,
32:15and I'm walking through, like,
32:17a maze, I don't know.
32:19I'm going to go talk to Vincent.
32:21That's Vincent Van Gogh.
32:23And I'm walking through, like,
32:25a basement, and paintings all over the place.
32:27I can smell the oil paint.
32:29And I'm walking outside,
32:31and I'm looking,
32:33Vincent, Vincent, where are you?
32:35John is a successful artist.
32:38But at a point in his past,
32:40he, and all those working in this room,
32:42were sectioned as psychiatric patients.
32:46This area is inside Creedmoor,
32:48New York Secure Hospital.
32:52But it's also these patients' workspace,
32:54an astonishing,
32:56vibrant art gallery.
33:08It was here,
33:10in the middle of a schizophrenic attack,
33:12that David was inspired to draw
33:14what he thought Beethoven had composed.
33:16When you paint,
33:18do you hear snippets of the Beethoven?
33:20How does it work?
33:22Are you thinking of those tunes?
33:24Somehow, I try to put into form
33:26what he was doing,
33:28especially in his late string quartets.
33:30I mean, when he was composing,
33:32he was composing,
33:34he was composing,
33:37I mean, when he was completely deaf,
33:39and it was completely abstract music,
33:41and I feel he was one with his spark,
33:43you know, one with his spark.
33:45Where does it start and begin?
33:47How does it...?
33:49I try to make a piece where it has no beginning
33:51and it has no end.
33:53Being able to see endless connections
33:55is often a symptom of schizophrenia.
33:59It also relates to low latent inhibition.
34:03At the time of his attack,
34:06his mind would no longer have filtered normally.
34:13One of the things that typifies
34:15both creativity and schizophrenia
34:17is loose associations.
34:19And a loose association
34:21is the capacity of a word
34:23to trigger off another word
34:25or an idea to trigger off
34:27another set of ideas.
34:29In a sense, you could think
34:31of schizophrenia
34:33as involuntary creativity.
34:35Everything is linked, interlinked,
34:37it's a web, it's a net,
34:39and everything is interconnected.
34:41So I'd finish a painting,
34:43and I didn't know quite when to finish it,
34:45because something else
34:47would be introduced
34:49that made it that more interesting.
34:51Towards the end,
34:53I just had mud on the canvas.
34:55My creativity was just like
34:57a spring welling up in me.
34:59It was almost like a fluid.
35:01It was just like torrents of water,
35:04Fueling this creativity
35:06is another element.
35:08It's the same chemical
35:10that is shadowing Nick's journey.
35:12Dopamine.
35:14There seems to be one neurochemical
35:16phenomena that unites
35:18Tourette's syndrome and schizophrenia
35:20and at least potentially
35:22creative behavior.
35:24And that's the role
35:26of the dopamine system.
35:28When brain levels of dopamine
35:30increase, your associational
35:32networks get looser,
35:34and you're more
35:36driven to explore.
35:38The role of dopamine
35:40is so key that schizophrenia
35:42is often treated by blocking it.
35:44But this may affect
35:46more than just the delusions.
35:48I was more
35:50inspired while I was sick.
35:52And since I've been on the medication,
35:54it's helped me mentally.
35:56I'm much more balanced, much more healthy.
35:58But the creativity has
36:00slowed down.
36:02I don't listen to Beethoven.
36:04I don't go into the wild, furious
36:06states that Beethoven
36:08evoked in me.
36:10But the art was much better back then
36:12when I was nuts, so to speak.
36:14I don't want to be mad.
36:16I want to live a normal life.
36:18Yet somehow I still want to do art.
36:20And it's a battle every day.
36:22It's a battle every day.
36:24The struggle
36:26to balance a disorder's energy
36:28with its creative potential
36:30is central to Nick's life.
36:34I found it strangely
36:36moving.
36:38This whole thing, walking in
36:40somewhere that people
36:42with disorders are here
36:44and something up there
36:46is driving them to create.
36:48And I do identify
36:50very strongly with that.
36:52But tomorrow,
36:54Nick will meet someone
36:56whose life parallels his own
36:58even more closely.
37:00What's more, this man has achieved
37:02the most elusive of goals,
37:04a balance between his illness
37:06and his art.
37:14It's breakfast time
37:16in upstate New York
37:18and preparations are underway for a visit.
37:26Tobias Picker is a distinguished
37:28classical composer.
37:30Just like Nick,
37:32he has Tourette's.
37:38Tobias takes medication
37:40but it can make him drowsy
37:42in the mornings.
37:44When I first get up,
37:46I take a couple of things
37:48in here
37:50so that I don't have to
37:52contend with the
37:54ticks in the morning
37:56and it keeps them
37:58at bay for a while.
38:00I need a lot of caffeine
38:02in order to regain my energy
38:04and that's why
38:06I make very deadly
38:08strong coffee.
38:16Nick has just woken up.
38:18I had a night
38:20of strange racing thoughts
38:22and didn't sleep very well
38:24but it's just that
38:26exhaustion.
38:28What always worries me
38:30with other musicians for some reason
38:32is that I'm going to pick up their ticks.
38:34That's another really pervy
38:36aspect of Tourette's.
38:38You kind of see other people with ticks
38:40and then maybe adopt some of them
38:42so I don't want adoptions today.
38:46In fact, Tobias and Nick
38:48have had very similar experiences
38:50through their Tourette's.
38:52Growing up with it was
38:54horrible.
38:56I hated it.
38:58It made me very unhappy.
39:00It made me have a very
39:02unhappy childhood.
39:04Very unhappy.
39:10Soon it's clear they have a lot more
39:12in common.
39:14It's different
39:16when there are other cars on the road.
39:18Sometimes I have to
39:20drive toward them
39:22if they're oncoming.
39:24I also have to
39:26let go of the wheel. Do you have to do that?
39:28I do. I have to let go of the wheel. It's absolutely
39:30terrifying for me and especially the passenger
39:32because I let go, lift my hands up, touch
39:34something. It's never terrifying for me but for some
39:36reason I have very few people who
39:38will get in a car with me.
39:40I've learned to drive with my
39:42knees so it doesn't really matter.
39:44I can drive anywhere with my knee.
39:46I can very much
39:48see where you're coming from.
39:50I didn't mean to adjust that for you.
39:52Sitting in other people's cars I tend
39:54to have to try and
39:56get my bearings
39:58and touch all the kinky little
40:00things that seem to stick out at me.
40:02You're touching things in the car.
40:04It's actually
40:06ameliorating
40:08my need to touch things. Is it?
40:10Yes.
40:12The sense of holding back on a touching
40:14tick for me at times when I know I can't
40:16do it. I mean it's almost orgasmic when I
40:18finally get to touch the thing that I've had
40:20my eye on because... Yes
40:22but little orgasm.
40:24I've had better.
40:28Tobias and
40:30Nick share much more than their unconventional
40:32driving style.
40:36Key to their bonding is the fact that
40:38like Nick, Tobias found his
40:40Tourette's led him to music.
40:42As a child I had to
40:44train myself to
40:46hide it and control it.
40:48The ticks. Because I was told
40:50constantly to stop doing that.
40:52Nobody knew what it was.
40:54But whatever it was
40:56my parents didn't want me to do it.
40:58Right. So you learned to stifle it.
41:00I was constantly chastened. I was to stifle it
41:02and to maybe just
41:04channel it in other directions.
41:06So I studied the piano
41:08from a very early age and that was the
41:10way. And when I was at the piano
41:12when I was focused on it
41:14I could somehow
41:16get away from the ticks.
41:18In fact
41:20this link between Tobias's Tourette's
41:22and his music has been studied
41:24carefully by the world famous neurologist
41:26Oliver Sacks.
41:28Professor Sacks has
41:30become convinced of a link between
41:32Tourette's and creativity
41:34and wants to talk to Nick about his experience.
41:36If you went
41:38for a quiet walk in the woods
41:40on this lovely October day
41:42how would the Tourette's be?
41:44The Tourette's would be
41:46of course I'd be ticking
41:48and going along as I normally do
41:50I wouldn't feel peaceful
41:52simply because I was in a wonderful
41:54surrounding. I would then have to of course
41:56start calculating and counting
41:58trees and so on.
42:00You mention obsessing.
42:02Would it be indelicate
42:04of me to ask what some of the forms
42:06of the obsessing are?
42:08I obsess over silly little things.
42:10I might obsess over your glasses.
42:12Actually I am obsessing over your glasses.
42:14What form does the obsessing
42:16over my glasses take?
42:18With your glasses I'd like to touch
42:20the rims of your glasses.
42:22May I?
42:30Now that's been satisfied. Thank you.
42:32You're welcome
42:34I'll come back to you for another dose.
42:36It's that sort of thing.
42:38I think for a lot of people
42:40touch is an essential
42:42form of exploration.
42:44I love trees
42:46but I need to touch trees.
42:48I need to feel the bark.
42:50What sort of music do you
42:52especially play or play by preference?
42:54Over the years
42:56I've played everything
42:58but I've come back to
43:00and only seem to want to play
43:02Bach again.
43:04Bach has this incredible emotion behind it
43:06but it's very controlled
43:08and that in a sense controls me
43:10because I can't burst in Bach
43:12because otherwise it ruins it.
43:14I'd love to hear you play some Bach later.
43:22Nick wants to play for Oliver Sacks
43:24but he's anxious.
43:26He still has a huge problem playing in front of anyone
43:28he wants to impress.
43:32Let's have a look.
43:52I was sitting there hearing the music
43:54as it was coming.
43:56I was also aware of this little voice in my head
43:58that was saying, don't stop, don't stop.
44:00It was Bach sitting next to me.
44:06There's always that little doubt in my head
44:08saying, are you going to stop?
44:10Are you going to flounder?
44:12Are you going to fail?
44:24Yes.
44:26I managed to play that
44:28pretty accurately for some reason
44:30with cold hands.
44:32It's gorgeous.
44:34It combines
44:36energy and delicacy
44:38and tenderness and beautiful.
44:42It does and you do.
44:44Oh, thank you.
44:50There does seem to be a very comfortable
44:52fit, I think,
44:54between music and Tourette's.
44:56A heightening
44:58and intensification of emotion,
45:00of perception
45:02and also
45:04a tendency
45:06for emotion and perception to be immediately
45:08translated into
45:10action.
45:18Typically, the neurotransmitter
45:20dopamine,
45:22which is necessary for muscular movement,
45:24is also necessary for the flow
45:26of mind, the flow of thought,
45:28the flow of consciousness, the flow of emotions,
45:30the flow of perception.
45:34One tends to have this rushing,
45:36torrential quality
45:38inside.
45:42But one shouldn't think of people with Tourette's
45:44as one-dimensional,
45:46as sort of driven, exuberant people.
45:48I mean, they can be
45:50pensive, elegiac,
45:52thoughtful.
45:54And this, we have that spidery...
45:56I always call your writing
45:58spidery now, but...
46:00This is spidery, I think.
46:02It is.
46:04My writing is to be called spidery.
46:06I wouldn't offend you calling your writing
46:08spidery, but...
46:10A non-poisonous spider.
46:12A very nice spider.
46:14The energy from Tourette's
46:16seems to offer great creative potential,
46:18but Oliver Sacks is convinced
46:20that success needs more.
46:22I don't think one can have
46:24a purely creative
46:26disease.
46:28I mean, in a way,
46:30there's something brilliant about
46:32Tourette's in its
46:34stimulation of imagination and emotions,
46:36but control may be
46:38lost, and
46:40no work of art is
46:42possible without consciousness and control.
46:50It's time for Nick
46:52to return. He began
46:54this journey with the bitter memory of having
46:56lost control mid-performance.
47:02Over the last few weeks, he's seen
47:04for himself that illness doesn't
47:06always sabotage the sufferers.
47:10That a disorder can inspire
47:12creativity.
47:16And that he's not alone.
47:20I'm more convinced
47:22than ever that the Tourette's is
47:24the fuel. It's the fire within it.
47:26It's the burning energies.
47:28If I didn't have the Tourette's, I
47:30know that I wouldn't be able to
47:32feel creativity
47:34in the way that I do.
47:36Knowing this, can he
47:38overcome his greatest fear
47:40and risk playing in public again?
47:42Ooh.
47:46I really
47:48still don't know.
47:50I really want to say yes,
47:52I'd like to try and play in public again.
47:54On the other hand,
47:56I've still got that nagging doubt.
47:58If someone said, I've booked you for
48:00a concert, would you do it?
48:04I think I would play.
48:06I'm at the point when now I want
48:08to say, you know, I'll take
48:10you on, Tourette's. I'll
48:12give as good as you're going to,
48:14and let's see what happens.
48:16I want to win this one.
48:18If there was a concert, I think I would do it.
48:20I'd be petrified, though.
48:26If you'd like to hear more from Nick,
48:28and step inside his world,
48:30visit the Horizon website
48:32at bbc.co.uk
48:34slash horizon.
48:46music
48:48music
48:50music
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