Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:01You must have done something over the last 12 years. What drove you back?
00:05Why are you back, G? Was it a man?
00:07We'll look after you now.
00:08We'll take care of you.
00:10Fix you.
00:11This is Paul.
00:12Paul?
00:13Paul Walsh from school.
00:14We might go up to my room.
00:30I'll be right back.
01:00So you're tired.
01:0160 degrees for semen.
01:30Oh!
01:33Won't be a mile.
01:38Sorry.
01:39I was just having a little dab.
01:49Dad, what are you doing that for?
01:51It's grown-up cream.
01:52What?
01:53Since you're staying, your mum thought we should get you room nice.
01:56Who said I'm staying?
01:58Is that him?
01:59Well, if you've got a young man.
02:02I haven't got a young man.
02:05Oh, well, I just thought there's...
02:07Well, if you'd be having guests, you know, even on a one-off basis...
02:12I'm not having guests.
02:14Oh, good.
02:17It is nice lad, Paul.
02:18I'm not having Paul either.
02:21So, er...
02:23You're not staying?
02:25No, I'm not staying. I'm just...
02:27Here.
02:29Well, have you told this chap here you left downstairs?
02:33He might like to know one way or the other.
02:35Do you think?
02:42Took me months to paint that, Dad.
02:44What are you going to do, just get rid of everything?
02:47Get rid of this?
02:49You are obliterating my heritage.
02:53Here.
02:56Your mum's dead.
02:57She's the past.
02:58I suppose you want to bin her too.
03:01And what will I have left?
03:03This?
03:04This?
03:06This is the sum bloody total of my life's achievements.
03:16I should have started on the skirting.
03:29Come on, Tina, what year was it?
03:31I reckon 1995.
03:34It's good, it's good, Tina, but...
03:37Oops.
03:38It ain't right, Bab.
03:39I'm rubbish at these things.
03:41So, we're still looking for a winner.
03:43This won't help.
03:53Hello, my name's Becky of CovCon,
03:55Cloud Coventry's most enthusiastic conservatory and cladding specialist.
03:58Nobody clads like our lads.
03:59Cloud, how can I help you?
04:01Hiya, it's Gaynor.
04:02Oh, you lanky twat, Gaynor.
04:03Why are you calling me at work for?
04:05Just for a chat.
04:07No way.
04:09Steve's going to take my quarterly bonus
04:10if I can't come up with more stuff for the women's section of the website
04:12than he's got for the men's.
04:14I've written all the blab, but I need a heading.
04:16It's got to be feminist, bolshie and sexy,
04:18but with the emphasis on cladding.
04:19What have you got, Beck?
04:21I can't choose between Mary clad a little lamb
04:24and sanitary clad.
04:27Yeah, I got big claddy, jack the clad, clad for it,
04:32five o'clock claddo, mad clad and dangerous to know,
04:37clad the impaler, bachelor clad,
04:39if you're happy and you know it, clad your hands.
04:42Although, strictly speaking, that could pass as unisex,
04:45so, er, well, you can have that.
04:48Try harder.
04:52See, so if you want to yak about how sad your life is,
04:55call Mel.
04:56She's got nothing better to do than sit feeding her fat ass
04:58and getting wet at both ends
04:59over all the men that will never marry her
05:01beaky, moon-faced midget.
05:03Don't tell her I said that.
05:04It's all right, she said worse about you.
05:06Like what?
05:07Like, you know, remember when she called you a pig-legged slag
05:10with a boy's haircut?
05:12No.
05:13The Conway Castle?
05:15I never went.
05:16She'd been saying stuff behind my back.
05:22Years ago.
05:23Right.
05:25What did she say?
05:27Well, it might not have been pig-legged.
05:29But it was slag.
05:31She's probably just joking, and your hair's really nice now.
05:34So I am a slag.
05:36You agree with her?
05:39No.
05:41I don't think she said it.
05:42I probably just remembered it from...
05:43Either she said it and you was just quoting her,
05:46or you made it up just then,
05:48which means you said it.
05:50Which is it?
05:51Her. Mel said it.
05:52Right.
05:55Do you love the adult cream?
05:59I don't want my room redecorated.
06:01Not redecorating.
06:03Updating.
06:06You're a young woman now, Gaynor.
06:08You need to make room for scatter cushions.
06:11So is goodbye to Professor Moon.
06:14He can't bin me.
06:15Oh, come on.
06:16He'll never make it to land, Phil.
06:18He's too cute.
06:19The bin man will have him strapped to the lorry for sure.
06:22You'll see him again.
06:23You up early?
06:24No, I need him.
06:26You want to live like this?
06:27Like a baby?
06:29No.
06:30What you need is a travel kettle,
06:33mood lighting,
06:35a camisole,
06:36and a hand towel for your guests.
06:39I didn't have sex.
06:41We needn't know what you do.
06:43Or even if you're here,
06:44with a crate of super noodles and some UHT,
06:46you'll be completely self-sufficient.
06:49Mum.
06:51And you'll need a lock for that door.
06:53No.
06:54OK.
06:55A sign, then.
06:56No, a code.
06:59Hang your panties on the handle, then.
07:00I know you're entertaining.
07:02I'll have to remind your father it's not a drying method.
07:04Or he'll be draping his tubey grip about willy-nilly.
07:10Look at that.
07:13Hello.
07:14Hiya.
07:15Mel, you all right?
07:16Yeah, fine. Why?
07:17Nothing.
07:18Just thought it'd be nice if someone asked after you for a change.
07:21No.
07:22I thought we should plan something nice.
07:24Maybe a weekend away, the four of us.
07:26Sounds great.
07:28Perhaps all the world's element in spa.
07:30Go antiquing in pastimes,
07:32cream tea and a right old laugh.
07:34Then all back home on the train, tired,
07:36but it's a good tired.
07:38Oh, I'd love that.
07:39Yeah.
07:40Well, we can't,
07:41cos you've fucked everything up.
07:43Kelly, tell her.
07:45Gay, just had a call from Becky,
07:46and she said you said Mel said what she did say that time,
07:48and I said she never said it.
07:49But Becky was making that noise,
07:50like when her stepdad first stayed over and didn't,
07:52and Mum, that howling noise.
07:53I'm heading to Mel's now, but you need to tell Becky
07:55she never said it, cos otherwise...
07:56Shit!
07:57She's here!
08:02Dad, can we not go any faster?
08:04Two more bumps.
08:09Now, here's a thought.
08:11Just between us, no pressure.
08:14Will you be here for Easter?
08:16Dad, Becky's gonna kill her.
08:18You girls.
08:20What are you doing?
08:21Quick stop for petrol.
08:23Might see if the Mirror are doing a free DVD.
08:26I've had backdraft and tremors recently.
08:54HEAVY METAL MUSIC
09:17Me or Becky Gaynor?
09:19Make your choice.
09:24HEAVY METAL MUSIC
09:28How are we supposed to choose between them after 25 years?
09:32This is a nightmare.
09:34I'm scarring my ducks.
09:36I'm not coping, Jean. Look at that.
09:41Ah, this one.
09:43Cup of tea, Kelly?
09:45Yes, thanks. Mr Jack's three sugars.
09:47Not China, Roy.
09:49There's a beaker under the sink.
09:54In my whole life, you girls, I'm supposed to what?
09:56Look one in the eye and say goodbye?
09:58Bang the rejection registers, whoosh, eyes fill with tears,
10:00puff, their heart breaks. It's just barbaric.
10:04That being said, I'll have Mel.
10:05Why won't Mel?
10:06I know Mel was your friend first, but since you went AWOL,
10:09I'm the one who's had to deal with her preggie scares,
10:11her eating disorders, that tumour on her scalp.
10:14She had a tumour?
10:15Effectively. She had to get it lanced.
10:17Only got the all clear after three months of TCP.
10:20Anyway, bat you come and smash it all to pieces so I get first dibs.
10:24Becky scares me.
10:28Can we keep our hair off the headrest, please?
10:31People get Becky wrong.
10:33At the end of the day, yeah, she'd kill you.
10:36But she'd also kill for you, you know what I mean?
10:39I know those knuckles too well, Kel.
10:41Jean, man, don't.
10:43Becky's brilliant.
10:45She's loyal and...
10:47brave.
10:49And she's sensitive, you know, she cries at tramps.
10:53I love her so much.
10:55Can't do it.
10:57Becky. I choose Becky.
10:59So we both have Becky?
11:00No, you have Mel.
11:01Mel with her stories and advice
11:04and her daft faces
11:06and her sense of fun.
11:08No. Mel.
11:10Mel. I choose Mel.
11:12No, Becky.
11:13Shit! Can't do it! Can't do it! Can't do it!
11:15Can't do it! Can't do it! Can't do it!
11:18Don't think I can do it, Jean.
11:20Can't choose.
11:22I love yous all too much.
11:24I'm off, Gaynor. This is goodbye.
11:26Don't go, Kelly.
11:27We're a group.
11:29That's what we do.
11:31Seeing one will just remind me of the others.
11:34It's like looking at a man who's had his nose torn off.
11:38And his eyes.
11:40You're just ears, Gaynor.
11:42Ears and a lump of bloodied gap.
11:45I can't be friends with that.
11:47Goodbye, Gaynor.
11:50Thank you, Kelly.
11:58It'd be a much more attractive prospect without that in tow.
12:06Right.
12:08Friendship candidates.
12:11I've had my feelers out and the response was overwhelming.
12:14She won't be back.
12:16Good riddance.
12:18Why have you always had it in for Kelly?
12:20She did that poo on the drive at your sixth birthday.
12:22Disgusting.
12:24That was me.
12:25Oh. Well.
12:27You'd had a lot of cake.
12:29Right. Onward and upward, Gaynor.
12:36Pat and Ken have nominated their youngest, Claire-Louise, 38, Libran.
12:42She likes line dancing too.
12:44I don't like line dancing.
12:46Gaynor, you're not the easiest sell.
12:49I've had to sex you up a bit.
12:51Here she is with her mum.
12:52Ah, Pat and Claire-Louise.
12:54Yeah.
12:55Which is which?
12:56No, they share the same hairdressers.
12:58I think that's Claire-Louise in the Freddy and the Dreamers T-shirt.
13:00They've both got Freddy and the Dreamers T-shirts.
13:02Well, they're very close.
13:04Her plus points.
13:06Clean, manageable, essentially sexless.
13:10A smile to speak of, but a broad, strong back.
13:15We'll have her as a baby.
13:17Oh, right.
13:18What's the name of this girl in the oxygen tank?
13:21Stop it.
13:23I don't need this. I've got my...
13:26friend.
13:35So why'd you choose me, then?
13:37I just thought we'd have the best time.
13:41Can I have some water, please?
13:43What's wrong with your milk?
13:45It tastes a bit lumpy.
13:47Well, get used to it, because my priorities have changed since the split.
13:49Yeah?
13:50Yeah.
13:51From now on, I'll be living my life my way.
13:5312-hour days at the office and Dick on tap.
13:55I might even call Ross Linden later, see if he's available.
13:58Mel can't stand him.
13:59Yeah? Can you imagine her face?
14:01Yeah. She'd be like a...
14:04Don't kowtow. I can't stand the bitch, but she's done a lot for you.
14:07Sorry.
14:08Yeah.
14:09Well...
14:11There's still a few last things to settle up.
14:13I'll just do an equal split on the hen fund, yeah?
14:15What fund?
14:16Hen fund.
14:18Me, Mel and Kel started a jar in, 98.
14:20Three quid a week, each.
14:23Idea was, when the first of us got hitched,
14:25we'd have enough for a hen do to remember.
14:27You'll be saving all this time.
14:29All right. Rub it in.
14:30At least now I'll have enough for a quad bike.
14:34Don't know what I'm going to do with all this shit, though.
14:36What is it?
14:37Hen nitrous, though, idiot.
14:39Obviously, we've got your basics.
14:42Handcuffs.
14:44Old woman's tits.
14:46Mace.
14:47But the other stuff's more themed, you know.
14:49From the near misses.
14:50Near misses?
14:51Yeah.
14:54Mel had her eye on a Christian.
14:56Wanted a spiritual theme.
14:59I glue gunned the boobies on myself.
15:01It's really pretty.
15:03It meant a lot to her.
15:08That's when I got off with Peg Tooth Gary from the wave pool.
15:10Oh, I see. With the...
15:11I was going to replace the snorkel tubes with big plastic hard-ons,
15:14but he got cold feet before I could find the right adhesive.
15:17Oh.
15:19You'd have needed our dike for that.
15:25Who was with the Australian?
15:27No-one.
15:28We were just hopeful.
15:29We were well into the cricket that year.
15:31Yeah.
15:33Policeman?
15:36Staple classic.
15:39Doctor.
15:40Staple classic.
15:45Gangster.
15:46Staple classic.
15:47No.
15:48Kel was set to wear the violent criminal, but it didn't work out.
15:51Shame.
15:52No, he was a shit.
15:54Lesson, then, really.
15:56Still broke her heart, Gaynor.
15:58Jesus, everything's so black and white with you.
16:00I didn't mean...
16:01No, you never do.
16:03And you wouldn't know.
16:05Cos you wasn't here.
16:12Yeah, hello?
16:14Yeah, yep.
16:16I know.
16:18With open arms.
16:20Oh, doll.
16:22Listen.
16:23Had her realised.
16:24Bang, yeah.
16:25I can get used to that.
16:27Who needs a nose?
16:28It's still a face.
16:29Ignore what's missing and look at the good bits.
16:32Come on back, Kel.
16:33Come to Becky.
16:34Gaynor's here.
16:36She's on her way.
16:37Go, yeah!
16:38Who's the man?
16:39Looks like Melanie's going to die on her own, then.
16:46What?
16:48Can't leave man alone.
16:51You're standing on a very rickety bridge, Gaylord.
16:54You've just splashed it with diesel and in your hand is a lit match.
16:58You sure you want to do this?
17:02Come in.
17:04Wait.
17:06I knew you'd pick me.
17:09Was it for the wisdom or the sense of fun?
17:12Both.
17:15Yeah.
17:20Have a prawn.
17:24Did you say your goodbyes to Becky?
17:25Just briefly.
17:27What did she say about me?
17:28Nothing.
17:29Oh.
17:30Denial.
17:31Best stage of grief.
17:33Good luck to her.
17:36We're better off just the two of us.
17:38And our men.
17:39What men?
17:40Me and Darren Barwick, you and Paul Walsh.
17:42Double date for life.
17:44How's that happening?
17:45Set me up with Darren Barwick.
17:47How am I going to set you up with Darren Barwick?
17:48You're going out with Paul Walsh.
17:50I'm not going out with Paul Walsh.
17:52Ryan Leary saw him leaving your house at 6am in the morning.
17:55I know you don't book it, so you must be going out.
17:58Mel, I didn't sleep with him.
17:59Why not?
18:01Is he playing mind games?
18:03Right.
18:04I'll speak to him.
18:05I'm not going to let you ruin this for me, Gaynor.
18:07This is my future.
18:09I booked us a four berth caravan on the Welsh coast.
18:14I will try, Mel.
18:16But I need to do it in my own time.
18:19Brilliant. How long's that going to take?
18:20Because in the meantime, it's me and you sat looking like a lesbian couple.
18:25Mind you, not as much as Becky and Cal.
18:27Becky's got her work mates as well, though.
18:29Yeah.
18:31Yeah.
18:32But so have I.
18:33So have I.
18:34Lauren!
18:39Yeah?
18:40Do you want to know the freebie works?
18:41No.
18:42This is Gaynor I said about.
18:44What's the name of your mate with the swimming pool?
18:46Mandige.
18:48She sounds great.
18:49Why don't we all go for a coffee uptown sometime?
18:52Yeah.
18:53Have you started your period yet?
18:55Yeah.
18:57That's really cool.
18:59Yeah.
19:00Back to bed now.
19:03What do you think?
19:04She seems very nice.
19:06Hmm.
19:07It's a start.
19:08Come on.
19:09Don't let these prawns get cold.
19:15We're going to be alright.
19:25He didn't even like Gaynor.
19:27He liked me.
19:28But he couldn't say because I was all glammed up and he was all sweaty.
19:33No.
19:35It's not a tragic story.
19:36This one's funny.
19:40Explain it to him, Gigi.
19:44Right.
19:45I'd just had my wisdom teeth out, so my head had swelled.
19:49But Mel made me come out anyway because she had a new bra.
19:52So I looked like shit with all dry blood around the lips.
19:55Mel looked fantastic.
19:56So he thought he didn't stand a chance with her.
19:59Whereas I was still roosy from the anaesthetic and so quite...
20:05...receptive.
20:09But it never made it to court.
20:11So...
20:15See?
20:16Funny.
20:17Funny.
20:18So, you.
20:19You should have interrupted me with something like,
20:21F off, Mel.
20:22Doh-ny-no-ny-no-ny-no.
20:23Fill in the blanks.
20:24Yes.
20:25Yeah, sorry.
20:26And now you should only just get it and snort your mocker.
20:30Someone give me a cigarette.
20:32Here you go, Mel.
20:33Have you touched these with your cold sore?
20:35I haven't got one at the moment.
20:36Hmm.
20:43They're all shit.
20:45Not in a good way, like you and Kelly.
20:47I bet you could lose Tina being that man, Mel.
20:49No-one's got a car.
20:51No-one's keeping count of who owes what.
20:53No-one's a credible threat to my wit.
20:55He's fallen apart, Gaynor.
20:57We were the cream.
20:59I can't be slopping him out amongst these dregs.
21:03I want the girls back.
21:05Mel, I don't think Becky's gonna...
21:06Yeah?
21:07Maybe she won't.
21:09So you're gonna have to pull out all the stops, aren't you?
21:15It's not very dramatic.
21:17I could cough a lot.
21:19The oven cleaner's in the broom cupboard.
21:21Grow up, Mum.
21:22We're doing a cry for help.
21:25Maybe you've left a note.
21:27And I could read it to them all distraught.
21:29Do you leave a note when it's a cry for help?
21:31Yeah, but less final, more needy.
21:34Aw, Mel, it stinks, innit?
21:36Can't we just say you're pregnant?
21:38Done that.
21:39What about a party and there's an invite mix-up?
21:42They turn up, we say sorry?
21:44No, Gaynor.
21:45A cry for help means you don't have to say sorry.
21:48The whole point is that we do a bigger, badder thing
21:51that makes them feel so guilty
21:53they forget about what it is you did wrong in the first place.
21:56Oh, give us a shout when you're done.
21:58I was gonna pop a couple of spuds in.
22:00I'm sorry, Gaynor.
22:01I can't work like this.
22:03Too much negative interference.
22:05This is the eternal drama of human desperation.
22:09It must be played out against a backdrop
22:11of epic elemental proportions.
22:22How long since you called her?
22:24Coming up an hour.
22:26We should have faked a plunge at the precinct.
22:29Parking would have been easier.
22:31Plus there's that new knick-knack shop.
22:33You know, just for bits.
22:34Gaynor!
22:38Becky, Becky, thank God you're here.
22:40Don't feel guilty for leaving.
22:41Set your rage to one side, just save the poor girl's life.
22:44Hiya, Kelly, hope you're well.
22:46You gonna kill yourself, Gaynor?
22:47Pretty much, yeah.
22:48Don't. Two reasons.
22:50One, it's hardest for the families.
22:52Think of your mum and dad.
22:53Two, 15-foot drop into four foot of water.
22:56You're looking at a busted leg and three weeks of diarrhoea at best.
22:59Mel said it was a dramatic low call.
23:02If this is a cry for help, you want to shout a bit louder.
23:04Will do.
23:05She'll be all right now.
23:07Phew, what a trauma.
23:09Why do we put up with her?
23:11I guess that's friendship.
23:13We're going.
23:15Hey!
23:16You must be exhausted after all that.
23:19Have a flask of sweet tea and four massive brownies.
23:22Want to go bowling, Kel?
23:23Wait, I'm pregnant!
23:24Heard that before.
23:25How dare you.
23:26Oi, sit, Mel.
23:27You got caught out bitching about your mate.
23:29You said I was a pig-legged slag with a boy's haircut.
23:31Nothing can repair that.
23:33Look, I never said it, why would I?
23:35At the end of the day, I'm a straight talker.
23:37If I've something to say, I'll say it to your face.
23:39And I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry.
23:41That's just me.
23:42And I compromise for no man.
23:43No!
23:44I'm the straight talker.
23:46I say what I see and how I see it.
23:48And if you don't see things the same as me, get glasses.
23:50Or fuck off.
23:51That's Becky Hogg.
23:52And I am.
23:53Why straight talk?
23:54Doctor said I lost all sense of forethought when I fell off that goat in Ayia Napa.
23:58Wouldn't have it any other way.
24:00I think I...
24:01Shut up, Gaynor.
24:02You don't even talk, let alone straight.
24:04Face facts, Mel.
24:05I've loved you for 25 years.
24:07And any scrap of bad I've ever said or thought about you,
24:10which has been rare because I thought we were friends,
24:12I've let you know about it.
24:13What about when you said she looked like an embryo in a wig?
24:18I only said that because you said that Gaynor looked like a skull wearing clown make-up.
24:22It was an innocent comparison.
24:24Why would you say that?
24:25Yeah, Kelly, why would you say that?
24:27You know how Mel says she can't wear white because her sweats start yellow?
24:32Oh, did she?
24:33Well, Mel said you had a dirty house.
24:36I did not.
24:37I said it was relaxed.
24:39No, you said it's stank of chips.
24:41You said that your mum said that her mum uses vinegar instead of washing up liquid.
24:45Oh, me mum's not here to defend herself.
24:47Nor's mine.
24:48Yeah, but we could ring her.
24:49My mum's dead.
24:51Yeah, she is, Kel.
24:53And Gaynor said that you dragged that out a bit.
24:55I said you were healing very slowly.
24:57No, Gaynor.
24:58You said you deserved that Children of Bravery Award
25:01because you had to put up with all her sobbing and talking to herself all the time.
25:04You bastard, Gaynor!
25:05After I defended you and Mel said your mum wiped your bum till you were 11.
25:10What?
25:11She said she was around your house and heard you bang on the bathroom floor and shout,
25:14Finished!
25:15Yeah, and then your mum went up with kitchen roll because you made such a khaki mess.
25:19Yeah, well, Kelly said that your dad looked down her top and winked at her nipples.
25:25Well, that's nothing.
25:28She laughed when your dog died.
25:31Mel says your sexy face looks like a man trying to smell his own lips.
25:35I did not. I said that about Kelly.
25:37Gaynor says you've got a wonky smile.
25:39Becky says every time you use her sleeping bag she has to blow smoke in it to kill the silverfish.
25:43She said that your nan stagged.
25:45Gaynor says your brother faked epilepsy to get attention.
25:48They both reckon you're barren.
25:57Becky, when I said slag, I meant brilliant.
26:08Here's a girl who'll grow up with a healthy sexual appetite, confidence to go,
26:13unafraid of her own body or anyone else's.
26:16I was jealous.
26:18Well, Gaynor just said slag on its own.
26:21Well, yeah, Gaynor would.
26:23Have you ever looked at a pig's legs, Becky?
26:26Well sexy.
26:28Yeah, they are.
26:30Wow.
26:31I didn't know that.
26:33And as for the haircut, who else could have pulled it off?
26:37Demi Moore, maybe.
26:39Brima Willis.
26:41Well, Gaynor made it all sound negative.
26:43Yeah. Yeah, she did.
26:45She's not a straight talker.
26:47I'm sorry.
26:48No wonder you got angry.
26:49She can be very manipulative.
26:51I'm not sure she even wanted to kill herself today.
26:53Did you, Gaynor?
26:55No, sorry.
26:56What do you think?
26:57Are we willing to accept your apology?
26:59Yes.
27:00Becky?
27:02Yeah.
27:03Yeah, I am.
27:06We've not got to stay friends for 25 years without letting someone draw a line under a mistake.
27:12Right.
27:15Let's have a drink.
27:17I'm buying.
27:19Phew.
27:20Yeah.
27:22When was the last time you ever saw Becky shell out for drinks?
27:25The tight shit.
27:27Don't tell her I said that.
27:52She's been walking.
27:56She's been talking.
28:00She's been smoking.
28:06It's going to be all right.
28:09Because tonight, we'll go dancing.
28:17We'll go laughing.
28:21You'll get carsick.
28:26And it will be okay.
28:29Like everyone said, it will be all right.
28:33Like ever so nice.
28:35We're going out tonight.
28:39Out and about tonight.
28:43Oh, whatever makes her happy.
28:47On a Saturday night.
28:51Oh, whatever makes her happy.
28:55Whatever makes it all right.
28:59Oh, today.
29:04She's been sat there.
29:08Sat there in a black chair.
29:12Off a satin chair.
29:17It will be all right.
29:20Us tonight.
29:24We'll go drinking.
29:28We'll do silly things.