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00:00You know, Mr. Randall, we've only been out on six dates but already I feel comfortable
00:07with you.
00:08Yeah, you make me feel so feminine, which is ironic because I could snap your neck like
00:12a twig.
00:13Thanks.
00:14Oh, Mr. Randall.
00:15Sally, do you want to go back to my apartment?
00:32Oh, I know what's going to happen there.
00:37We'll continue to kiss and touch and kiss and touch just like the movies and all of
00:41a sudden the scene ends and we're in the park eating hot dogs and laughing.
00:48That's such a Sally thing to say.
00:52You're never what I expect.
00:53Oh, yeah, like that time you didn't have to pay for dinner because I got us thrown out
00:56of the Sizzler.
00:57Like that, yeah.
00:58But that's what you like about me, right, right, right, right, right, right?
01:06Now it's starting to, I don't know, irritate me.
01:14I'm not the perfect woman?
01:16This close, really.
01:18Just a couple, three, four things you could change.
01:22Maybe let me be in control sometimes, just a little.
01:28You're going to see a whole new me.
01:30God, I hate that.
01:34It's gone.
01:36Oh, I should have let you do that.
01:46Whoopsie doodle.
02:05Goodbye, basket of kittens.
02:23I can only pray that next month's photo will bring us a fraction of the joy and whimsy
02:31What do you think?
02:38Thank you, Bank of Rutherford.
02:40What?
02:41That's a monkey playing golf.
02:44I know, but he's putting with the driver.
02:49You know, you never see yourself clearly until you see yourself through your lover's eyes.
02:54I am red freaking hot.
02:58Good for you, but I'm a loud, destructive, irritating pain in the butt.
03:03Mr. Randall's not crazy about me anymore, Dick.
03:05Sally, don't tell me you're failing at your relationship.
03:08How could you?
03:09I don't know.
03:10I thought I had this whole woman thing aced.
03:12My performance has been technically flawless.
03:16He wants me to change.
03:18Well, Sally, here on Earth, humans change for their lovers.
03:20August and I always accommodate each other's wants and needs.
03:23For example, I stopped wearing Old Spice, and she stopped telling me to stop wearing Old Spice.
03:29Don't compare my mature relationship to your little tiger-beat tryst.
03:35Hang on.
03:36She's right, Tommy.
03:37Adults have far more complicated problems.
03:40Although, come to think of it, Dr. Albright and I are adults, and we have none.
03:44I've struck gold with her.
03:46Grab the prize.
03:47Hit the jackpot.
03:49Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
03:51You're a winner.
03:54You didn't win.
03:55You lucked out.
03:56Love doesn't just drop into your lap.
03:58You've got to force it there.
04:01I don't know, Dick.
04:02I'm beginning to wonder if I've got what it takes.
04:04Oh, of course you've got what it takes.
04:05You're a warrior, Lieutenant, and this is the battle of the sexes.
04:09You can win it.
04:11You know, I envy you.
04:12Everybody in this house has got somebody except me.
04:15But when I do make my love connection, lady beware.
04:20I change for no one.
04:22Harry, you know, you sound like an idiot.
04:24And that will never change.
04:29Tommy, let's say I got into this horrible car crash,
04:35and I wasn't really hurt, but my hair fell out from the shock.
04:39Would you still like me?
04:42Not the eyebrows.
04:43Gone.
04:45Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, I'd still like you, of course.
04:47Take a couple days to get used to it.
04:49Did you see the monkey?
04:50Yeah, I saw the monkey.
04:52What if my sight went next?
04:54I'm bald, with no eyebrows, and I can't see.
04:59Would you still go out with me?
05:01I'd stand by you.
05:03Of course, you wouldn't know it.
05:08Harry, why don't you go out and find your own girlfriend?
05:11With my schedule, where would I find the time?
05:15Oh, my God.
05:17I have got the most brilliant idea.
05:20You should contact a video dating service.
05:22Oh, you think?
05:23Yes, August, that's genius.
05:25In fact, Harry, I bet they're open right now.
05:29Yes.
05:30Yes, yes.
05:32There's a woman out there with my name on her.
05:37I will find her.
05:39And nothing's gonna stop me.
05:42Unless I get distracted by something shiny.
05:50You look lovely today.
05:53And do you like everything else about me, too?
05:55Yes.
05:56Have I done anything to upset you?
05:58No.
05:59Great.
06:00Because I'm really trying to change for you, Kevin.
06:02I have been so bad.
06:04Have you decided on a wine?
06:06What do you feel like, red or white?
06:08Oh, I don't know, you decide.
06:10We'll have a bottle of Merlot.
06:12We're out of bread.
06:13You want more bread?
06:14I don't know, you decide.
06:18Is it cold in here or is it just me?
06:20I don't know, you decide.
06:22Sally, what are you doing?
06:23I don't know, you decide.
06:27Look, if there's a problem here, just say so.
06:29Oh, there's no problem, I'm just trying to please you.
06:31Would you just drop this, okay?
06:33Something's wrong, isn't it?
06:34I like to play naive, but you know exactly what you're doing.
06:37Back up.
06:38Is being naive a good thing in a woman or a bad thing?
06:40Are you trying to drag me into some neo-feminist debate?
06:43I don't know, you decide.
06:47Fine, I've decided.
06:49Lunch is over.
06:54Oh, listen, hon, there are other fish in the sea.
06:57I don't want to hear about the specials, lady.
07:04Hi.
07:05My name is Harry Solomon.
07:07My turn-ons are sunshine, beach houses, and baking bread with my blouse off.
07:14I wasn't rolling.
07:15Oh, I'm sorry.
07:17All right, Harry, this is all about just being yourself, okay?
07:20So I want you to just relax, act natural, you know, and have fun, okay?
07:24Okay.
07:25All right, here we go.
07:26Okay.
07:27I was brought up on the back streets.
07:31Learned to love before I could eat.
07:34Educated.
07:36Ow!
07:38I'm a old man.
07:42Friday would be fine.
07:43Yeah, I see no problem with...
07:47Okay, I'll call you back.
07:54Hello?
07:55Hello.
07:57This is Mr. Poopy Bear.
08:00This is my little bunny-faced doll.
08:07Hi, Mr. Poopy Bear.
08:09Is Woo happy?
08:10I'd be happier if I was in a big snuggle-buggle with Woo.
08:16Snuggle, snuggle, snuggle, snuggle, snuggle.
08:21Hello?
08:23Hello?
08:26Oh, hello.
08:29Dick, I need to talk.
08:31Oh, sure.
08:32I just had a horrible lunch with Kevin.
08:34Well, tell me what happened.
08:35Well, I tried to change for him, and he still got mad at me.
08:37Uh-huh.
08:38I thought I'd done everything right.
08:39I'm sure you did.
08:40What do you think he needs from me, Dick?
08:41Sally, sit down.
08:43Honey, I'm a man.
08:46And here's something that I've learned.
08:48How can I put this?
08:50Men are completely incapable of talking about relationships.
08:56Here's two women.
08:57Dump on them.
09:06Ah.
09:08What does this remind you of?
09:10That time in Vienna.
09:11Mm.
09:13That waiter.
09:16Those long walks.
09:17And this coffee.
09:18Yeah.
09:23What's going on?
09:24Sally's tense.
09:25I'm taking her away with flavored coffee.
09:28Oh, who am I kidding?
09:29I've never even been to Vienna.
09:33Well, this is Amaretto.
09:35The broken heart demands mocha mint.
09:37Sorry.
09:40Sally, what's wrong?
09:41Look at these chairs.
09:42You know, I don't know if it's the fabric or the pattern,
09:44or that Mr. Randall hates me, or maybe we just need a couch.
09:47The fabric is a bit loud.
09:48It's Mr. Randall.
09:50Please, stop being so sad.
09:51I'm not sad. I'm angry.
09:53Well, then why are you leaking?
09:54I don't know.
09:55It's a whole new leak.
09:58My relationship with Mr. Randall is broken,
10:01and no matter what I say to him, I can't fix it.
10:03Then stop saying and start doing.
10:05You've got to have more sex.
10:09More?
10:10I've never had any, ever.
10:12Ever?
10:13Well, there's the black fly in your chardonnay.
10:19You've got to start.
10:20Sex fixes everything.
10:23It's the neosporin of amore.
10:27I don't know about that.
10:28August says it's very in nowadays to save yourself for marriage.
10:31Excuse me.
10:32Could we please not talk about marriage?
10:33I can't even get through dinner with this guy.
10:35Are you just going to give up?
10:36He's just not happy with me anymore, Dick.
10:38You think you can just walk out of here and find another man?
10:41I mean, really, just look at yourself.
10:43What?
10:45Those comically long legs.
10:47That blindingly shiny hair.
10:49Those unruly breasts.
10:50All right, I get the picture.
10:54Seems like a nice guy, and maybe he'll do it out of pity.
10:58Are you sure?
11:01I know the thought of giving yourself to someone
11:03is at once frightening and exciting,
11:06but embrace it.
11:08Let go of yourself.
11:10I mean, Dr. Albright dove right in,
11:12and it was her first time.
11:17Coffee, anyone?
11:21Maybe you need a little something to get you in the mood.
11:28I have a movie that you can borrow.
11:32Homeward Bound.
11:35Is this supposed to help?
11:37Couldn't hurt.
11:38The scene where the cat falls off the wet log.
11:43You'll notice that part of the tape is a little worn.
11:48Here, mocha mint for you.
11:50Oh, thanks, Tommy.
11:52You know, personally, I think Dick's going a little overboard
11:55with the whole thing.
11:56You have to realize this,
11:57making love to Mr. Randall is your decision.
12:00You're right.
12:02I'll do it.
12:03I mean, what do I have to lose except my virginity?
12:07Goodbye, Mr. Hyman.
12:11You're firing our accountant?
12:23What do you look for in the opposite sex, Harry?
12:25Big bosoms.
12:27And teeth.
12:29Harry, you're so natural and so sincere.
12:32Not to mention your features are positively chiseled.
12:35Yeah, you know, I had no idea that you prefer one large meal a day
12:38or that your favorite color is clear.
12:40Clear.
12:43Tommy?
12:48We have to talk.
12:50August Warren, are you okay?
12:53I'll be all right.
12:54Fortunately, the hamster didn't have a rabies.
12:59Uh, the hamster?
13:00The hamster that bit my nose off.
13:03Yes, that's right, Tommy.
13:05My nose is gone.
13:09So, I suppose you want your ring back?
13:12Uh, well, no.
13:15Uh, can't they, like, stick it back on somehow?
13:20And that would be the only way you'd continue to see me?
13:23With my nose back, that is?
13:25No, I didn't say that.
13:28So, I guess we'll just work through this whole nose thing together.
13:34Surprise!
13:37I never should have doubted you, Tommy.
13:53Yeah.
13:55Yeah.
13:58I see.
13:59Uh-huh.
14:02I wasn't expecting to see you.
14:04Well, you know me.
14:06Little old impulsive Sally.
14:09I've decided we need to take things to another level.
14:12Sally, I think we have a lot of issues that need to be resolved.
14:16By another level, I mean this.
14:21We can put those issues on the back burner for a while.
14:25I really want to please you, Kevin.
14:27You didn't have to stop to tell me that.
14:31This is going to fix everything, right?
14:33Well, it's going to fix a couple of things.
14:37If it's not going to fix everything, why are we doing it?
14:44Okay.
14:45This wasn't my idea, Sally.
14:47Well, it wasn't mine either.
14:48It was my dad's idea.
14:50This wasn't my idea, Sally.
14:52Well, it wasn't mine either.
14:53It was my family's.
14:55Your family convinced you to sleep with me?
14:57Yeah, we really think you're worth it.
14:59What am I, some kind of experiment?
15:01You make that sound like a bad thing.
15:04Why does everything have to be so difficult with you?
15:06If I'm so damn difficult, why do you want to have sex with me?
15:08Because you're laying on top of me.
15:09Oh, that's your answer for everything.
15:11I give up.
15:12You give up? Good.
15:13That means I win.
15:14No, you don't win.
15:15You win.
15:16I don't win either.
15:17No one wins.
15:18No.
15:20This really sucks.
15:21Yes, it does.
15:23I don't want to play anymore.
15:24Neither do I.
15:25I think one of us should leave.
15:32And since this is your apartment, I guess that would be me.
15:36Goodbye.
15:38You know, I've never lost before.
15:43I'm sorry.
15:53Tell me what happened.
15:54I went over there to fix things, and instead I ruined everything.
15:58And the worst part is, I'm still a virgin.
16:01I'm still a virgin.
16:03I'm still a virgin.
16:04I'm still a virgin.
16:05I'm still a virgin.
16:06I'm still a virgin.
16:09Oh, my God, you're a virgin?
16:10Yes, I know.
16:12It's horrible.
16:13No, no, no, no, no.
16:15It's wonderful.
16:17It is?
16:18Oh, yes.
16:19It's perfectly all right to save yourself for the right man.
16:21Like you did for Dick?
16:32Yes.
16:34The point is, breaking up with Kevin was smart.
16:37He wanted you to be something you're not.
16:39And you're fine just the way you are.
16:42I like you, Sally.
16:44I didn't know you liked me.
16:46Well, I do.
16:48You're strong, opinionated, intelligent young woman.
16:52Unpredictable at times.
16:53A little scary.
16:54But hell, that's you.
16:56That is me.
16:58I like me, too.
16:59But why didn't Mr. Randall?
17:01Why didn't Mr. Randall?
17:02Well, he's just not the right guy for you.
17:05But you'll find someone.
17:06I mean, just look at you.
17:07Those legs, that hair.
17:08Please, I've been dragged through the muck enough today.
17:16Just chalk this up to experience.
17:19Thanks, Dr. Albright.
17:21You're so nice.
17:23I always thought you were such a bitch.
17:28Oh, I am.
17:31But hell, that's me.
17:57Well, hello.
17:58Hi.
18:00I gotta say, I'm shocked.
18:02That videotape did not do you justice.
18:06What videotape?
18:10Well, that must be Lydia.
18:14A little more knuckle hair than I had hoped for, but...
18:18A guy's gotta start somewhere.
18:30You know what this coffee reminds me of?
18:32That little cafe in Amsterdam?
18:35No, but I used the coffee pot to drain the Freon out of the air conditioner.
18:40Yeah.
18:42It's a beautiful morning, isn't it?
18:43The birds are chirping, the sky is blue.
18:46You're awfully cheery, considering you just lost your boyfriend.
18:48I'm okay.
18:50You know, I feel sorry for you.
18:52I mean, this afternoon, I'm going shopping for drapes with Dr. Albright, and you'll be alone.
18:56And tomorrow, I'm taking Dr. Albright to the recycling center, and you'll be alone.
19:01The way I look at it, Dick, I'm embarking on an adventure.
19:03I mean, the dating world is like a huge food court for me, and I can take my little red tray anywhere I like.
19:10I'm unfollowed.
19:12Well, you see, Dick, it's like with you.
19:15You know you're gonna have grilled cheese every day.
19:19Day after day after day after day.
19:23But maybe tonight, I might go Italian.
19:26Tomorrow, Greek.
19:27Next week, who knows, Mexican, Chinese.
19:30Hot dog on a stick.
19:34Hey, Harry.
19:36Come on, it's singles day at the mall.
19:39Lock and load.
19:44Grilled cheese.
19:47Tommy, we're late.
19:50Enjoy your lunch.
19:56Yeah, you too.
20:03God, I love grilled cheese.
20:08Yeah.
20:11I could eat it every day.
20:15Day after day after day.
20:18Mmm.
20:21Hey, can we slice tomatoes?
20:23Yes!
20:25Yes, we do!
20:35Perfect Mate has hundreds of compatible people for you.
20:39Let's go.
20:41My name is Sally, and I'm strong, loud, opinionated, and aggressive.
20:47I'm a big angry virgin, and I'm happy about it.
20:50Oh, and I also enjoy walking barefoot in the sand and the poems of Rod McKeown.
20:55So, if you're man enough for me, let's make a date.