First broadcast 15th December 2006.
Highlights from the previous eight weeks.
Highlights from the previous eight weeks.
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TVTranscript
00:00Welcome to the best bits of 8 out of 10 cats on tonight's show, Vic Reed, John Barrowman,
00:27Nicky Graham, Louie Walsh, Alan Carr, David Guest, Lee Mack, Ulrika Johnson, Bill Oddie,
00:38Michael McIntyre, and their captain, Sean Locke.
00:43And facing them tonight, Johnny Vegas, Joan Rivers, Jason Manford, Griff Rees-Jones,
00:52Jade Goody, Alex Zane, Frankie Boyle, Boyd George, Fiona Allen, Pierce Morgan, Chris Addison,
01:03and their captain, Dave Spikey. Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr.
01:12Welcome to 8 out of 10 cats, the show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
01:16This week, we're bringing you the very best bits from the latest series.
01:19Our first round is, What Are You Talking About?
01:21Every week, we team up with a leading polling organisation to find out what the British nation is discussing.
01:26And it's our panellists' job to guess the five most popular talking points.
01:30Take that aback with the Inland Revenue Tour, I think it is, basically.
01:35It's not front page news, surely to God.
01:37They've got no... The Beatles have had a hit album.
01:39Oh, hang on, there's a lady going through the menopause as we speak.
01:45That's how Take That fans speak.
01:47What?
01:48They don't use words, they just go, Woo!
01:51How are you today? Woo-hoo!
01:54Want a cup of tea? Woo!
01:57Why are they called Take That? What's the name mean?
02:00On their video, they had these things, like,
02:02If you don't like it, throw it in the bin, take that.
02:04Do that again.
02:05If you don't like it, throw it in the bin, take that.
02:08That's my favourite thing you've ever said.
02:11Those are the instructions that come with their video.
02:13They said it, they said it.
02:15I watched it in my caravan with my friends.
02:19Wow. Oh, yes.
02:21I imagine that was a par-tay.
02:25Yes, Take That have returned to the top of the chart.
02:27The reunion took longer than expected to put together
02:30because no-one could remember who Howard was.
02:33They spent six months rehearsing with a bloke from the Halifax advert.
02:40I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here. I'll start it.
02:43And gripping stuff.
02:44I was actually asked to go on.
02:46Were you?
02:47I get asked every year and I'm that far away from Panto.
02:50It's good.
02:53Would you ever think about it?
02:55I've thought about it, but in really vicious dreams.
02:59Just turn up the first night, eat every bit of rice in the camp,
03:03stand there looking menacing, and then set your own camp up ten yards away going,
03:07One of you will die tonight!
03:11I like David Guest.
03:13You like him?
03:14I think he's great. I think he's great entertainment.
03:16Don't you agree with that?
03:18There's lots of great documentaries about Hitler.
03:20He's done nothing wrong. I vote for him.
03:24I want him on the Bush Tucker trial.
03:26I'm obsessed with seeing him repeatedly on television.
03:30I like David Guest.
03:32Is he very gay?
03:33Is who very gay?
03:34Is he very gay?
03:35No, don't do that.
03:38In fairness, you are wearing a pink shirt and saying,
03:40I love David Guest.
03:43You're confessing my sexuality to Jimmy.
03:45Like Jimmy knows of my sexuality?
03:47Jimmy knows.
03:51He's definitely gay.
03:54To get on this show, you have to have a medical with Jimmy.
03:58My wife is obviously squirming watching this.
04:02She's probably thinking, oh my God, I've married a gay.
04:06Let's have a look and see if it's there.
04:10Yes, the latest series of I'm a Celebrity started this week.
04:13Fashion designer Scott Henshaw said he tried to turn the other men in the camp gay.
04:17What, Jason Donovan, David Guest and Tomi Anstis?
04:20Good luck with that.
04:23I saw you went straight, you cut to me after the gay joke.
04:27He didn't.
04:31Before you said gay, I thought, why am I on the screen?
04:39The reason we cut to you was because some people watching in Newcastle
04:41won't know what a gay man looks like.
04:44We think it's the fallout from this KGB poisoning.
04:47The police said the death was suspicious.
04:50I think they should upgrade it to fucking suspicious.
04:55Is he having a traditional Russian burial where they put them in a little coffin
04:58inside a bigger coffin, inside a much bigger coffin?
05:04I think you're fine, David.
05:07Traditional Russian burial, you have to dig your own grave.
05:12Don't blame me, blame Stalin.
05:15No, on a serious note, because it was on the planes, it was in a bag.
05:20Unless they put it in TK Maxx, you'll be fine.
05:26This restaurant, they found it in two hotels.
05:29On a humpback whale.
05:33Humpback whale's got a ten-foot dick, hasn't it?
05:35Sounds like the start of a song.
05:38Oh, the humpback whale's got a ten-foot cock, doo-dah, doo-dah.
05:42Humpback whale's got a ten-foot cock and it's all hard as a rock.
05:49This is the ongoing poisoning story.
05:51Doctors are advising anyone who's come into contact with polonium-210
05:55to get their liver out and then move house.
06:01Nicky, what do you think of Madonna?
06:03She's a bit high-maintenance.
06:06I like her, but to be honest, a whole week's news on her adopting the child.
06:12Who cares?
06:15You're her big brother.
06:25So were you looking for more news about what was going on in Kazakhstan this week?
06:29I'm not getting the bottom of this, just Madonna, Madonna.
06:32But you've managed to get more attention than Madonna in a very short space of time,
06:35so you're more fabulous.
06:37Oh, thanks for the joy.
06:39While I'm a celebrity, you claimed your maid's name was Vagina Kasiman.
06:42Is that true?
06:43Yes.
06:44Is she real?
06:45She's real.
06:46Are you sure she's real?
06:47I'm positive she's as real as this set is real.
06:53Her mother, and this is the truth, her mother loved her body part so much,
06:58she said if she had a girl, she was going to name it Vagina-ka.
07:02Then, no, this is true, no bull.
07:05Then she married a guy named Harry Seaman.
07:08Harry Seaman.
07:09And she became Vagina-ka Seaman.
07:13What's her middle name?
07:14I have no idea.
07:15She hasn't got a middle name, especially if she doesn't need one, really.
07:18Mostly when she tells her name, she's probably just wiping the drink they've just spat in her face.
07:26People have been talking about the fact that England lost the first test of the Ashes.
07:30What have they been saying, then?
07:31Oh.
07:32Oh.
07:33Oh.
07:34Oh.
07:35Oh.
07:36Oh.
07:37Oh, you knew it.
07:38Yeah.
07:39They're going to play their best bowler, which is a good idea, because they should, you know...
07:43Who's he, then?
07:44Monty Panasar.
07:45Actually, Australia have never declared independence, so technically, we always win.
07:53Vick, do you watch cricket?
07:54I like the fellow with the glass eye.
07:58Is it called what's that bloke you talked about before?
08:00Who, who what fellow?
08:01That cricketer that you mentioned.
08:02Monty Panasar.
08:03Him, with the glass eye.
08:05He's got a glass eye?
08:06Yeah.
08:08He has.
08:09I can prove it.
08:10You can prove it.
08:17What's that say there?
08:19Look.
08:27Get a close-up of that.
08:30That's evidence.
08:31That's proof.
08:32Look what's it say there.
08:33Proof.
08:34Right.
08:35The thing is, it's not him, because he's got a turban, Monty Panasar.
08:37He took it off on that shot.
08:42Hold on a sec.
08:43That's not a photo.
08:45What else have the nation been talking about?
08:48Submarines.
08:49Whoa.
08:51Well, they want to spend 20 billion pounds on submarines full of missiles.
08:56That's it.
08:57The missile's going to be outdated by 2024.
09:00How do you know if a missile's gone off or something?
09:03Gone off?
09:04Gone off.
09:05The bloody big bang going off.
09:08You're implying it was like milk, and you go...
09:12You just farted.
09:13No, it's this scud.
09:1620 billion for the stupid moon thing, and 10 billion for this stupid thing.
09:20It's such a waste of money.
09:22Well, if they took all that money, everyone would have a tiara.
09:24Imagine that.
09:25Oh, I'm for that.
09:26No, that's great.
09:27I'd rather go with the nuclear weapons.
09:28Enough people think I'm gay.
09:31Without a fucking tiara. Jesus.
09:34Without a fucking tiara?
09:35Yeah.
09:36How often has tiara been prefixed with fucking?
09:40You're wearing my fucking tiara.
09:43I fucking saw you.
09:44I put my fucking tiara back in that fucking box.
09:51No revelations in the McCartney divorce proceedings.
09:54Oh, that business rumbles on, doesn't it, Ed?
09:56I'll tell you what.
09:57I wouldn't want to be the fellow that introduced them.
10:01All right, all right.
10:03I introduced Heather Mills to Paul McCartney.
10:06Why?
10:07That's exactly what he's asking.
10:10Don't you think she's awful, Heather Mills?
10:12He's Paul McCartney. He wrote yesterday.
10:15She's Heather Mills.
10:16And today, and he'll probably write tomorrow.
10:19He's a relentless worker.
10:24I think the obvious thing, though, is that mostly when you meet a very beautiful woman,
10:27you assume there's a catch.
10:29There must be a catch.
10:30It can't be this good.
10:31And he thought the catch was the leg.
10:33Oh, it wasn't.
10:35But this would never have happened to the Stones.
10:38None of the Stones would have ever married a one-legged nutter.
10:45The one thing he said was, she threw a bottle of ketchup at him.
10:48And he's still not got it out his hair, has he?
10:52But the thing is that I like the way even celebrities can't have an argument
10:55without doing some product placement.
10:57You know, it's like, oh, he threw some Heinz ketchup at me.
11:01And then he put some Marmite bottles in a sock and hit me over the head
11:05and tried to choke me with Jaffa Cakes and spray Jif in me eyes.
11:10Heather is going through a very rough time at the moment.
11:12And if she were here, I would tell her, time heals all wounds.
11:17Well, not that. You'd have to be a starfish.
11:20APPLAUSE
11:22The next round is called The Poll With A Hole.
11:24Sean's team to go first.
11:26While on a job, one in four builders what?
11:29Is it compliment a young lady on her massive tits?
11:32If only it stopped at that, I have to say, as a matter of fact.
11:36Would they compliment you as well on your massive tits?
11:39You all right, Bill?
11:41No, it's Bill.
11:43B-I-W. It's Bill.
11:45So, and you can tell how they're spending their time?
11:47Oh, yeah, absolutely.
11:49I've never yet been called by my name properly by Bill.
11:52It's always Bill.
11:54I bet it's not always Bill.
11:56LAUGHTER
11:58APPLAUSE
12:03What do they shout apart from, Boo?
12:05It's like, er, do you like me? And things like that.
12:09Do you like me?
12:11I've heard loads of Boos. I've never heard anyone shout,
12:14I've heard loads of Boos. I've never heard anyone shout,
12:17Do you like me, Bill?
12:21Cos I like you.
12:23These builders, they don't have big black moustaches
12:26and they're in village people.
12:2840% of couples in counselling say what is a problem?
12:32Viagra. Oh!
12:34These old guys that take Viagra.
12:37Oh, and it's good for 36 hours.
12:39You have any orgasms you have to fake?
12:41I imagine there's a certain amount of chafing involved as well.
12:44Chafing? Those poor old dry ladies, they'd set them on fire.
12:48LAUGHTER
12:54That's a painful image, isn't it, there?
12:57I like the sting, I quite like it, though.
13:00He does 15 hours with his tantric sex?
13:02Is that what he says?
13:04Even a terrific swordsman, after six hours...
13:08Swordsman?
13:10Where are you from, the 17th century?
13:13Yes!
13:1620% of Brits have sent a text message what?
13:19Is it 200% of Brits have sent a text message
13:21when really a bunch of flowers and the deepest sympathy card
13:24would have been more appropriate?
13:26Is it bringing a kiss at the end of the message, then deleting it,
13:29then putting it back on again afterwards?
13:31Do you ever do that? No, I should. Yeah, I will. No, I won't.
13:34I like it when you do, Doug.
13:3720% of Brits have sent a text message playing the game Fuck You Roulette,
13:41which is where you type Fuck You into your text message
13:44and then just go for your contacts, like that.
13:51One in five Scots say they drink because what?
13:54Because they've run out of heroin.
14:01One in five Scots say they drink because they want to.
14:04That's so close to the answer, I think I might give you that.
14:09Yes, one in five Scots say they drink because they want to get drunk.
14:14Mission accomplished.
14:16Of course, not all Scots are alcoholics.
14:18Some of them are ex-alcoholics.
14:20With drug problems.
14:23Jenny Carr is performing at this year's Glasgow Festival,
14:26where he will be ripped to fucking pieces.
14:30APPLAUSE
14:33On their first mission, 75% of astronauts what?
14:37Never left Earth.
14:40Do you think they landed on the moon? Do you think that's a genuine thing?
14:43Nah. Well, you can see the shadows of the photos.
14:46Well, there's proof if ever we needed it.
14:49And the flag's flying. The flag's flying? Oh.
14:52There's wind, but there's wind on the moon. The moon's very windy.
14:55Oh, he's been there. The moon is not windy.
14:57Yes, it is very windy. It is not windy.
15:00Otherwise, they'd have built a windmill up there or something like that.
15:03I'm prepared to go toe-to-toe with the hardest man in England on this one.
15:07It's bloody windy up there. Wind?
15:09Wind is air blowing around, you see.
15:12It's air blowing about.
15:14That's why it makes it come to the face of the air.
15:17Of course there's air on the moon. There is an air on the moon.
15:20Fucking shut up!
15:23All right, now what?
15:26Easy. I think we've upset Fiona. Let's all just take a moment.
15:30There's air. There's no oxygen on the moon.
15:32There is air. It just hasn't got any oxygen in it.
15:35What's it made of, then? Yoghurt?
15:37What's it made of, then?
15:39Other stuff!
15:41You would make the best science professor in the world.
15:44Other stuff! Mooniac!
15:47Write it down.
15:49Just for fun, one of them goes...
15:52Can anyone hear that?
15:55I bet at least one of them goes,
15:57Are we there yet?
15:59It's taking ages.
16:02But you didn't have to do that in a northern accent.
16:05Yeah, I did because I was trying to be stupid.
16:133% of Brits would like Tom Cruise to what?
16:16Come out of the closet.
16:19Just a joke.
16:22And he wouldn't come out of the closet anyhow.
16:24He's short. He'd come out of a cabinet.
16:26So it's just a joke.
16:28Have you met Tom Cruise a few times, then?
16:30I think he's here.
16:32Yes.
16:34He's lovely. He's very charming.
16:36What do you think 3% of Brits would like Tom Cruise to do?
16:39Make Rain Man 2 The Revenge.
16:44I would so love that.
16:47What happens in Rain Man?
16:49In Rain Man, he's got an autistic brother and he counts matches.
16:52That's the only important bit.
16:54I have two cousins who are autistic.
16:57What are they called, Danny?
16:59Some weird name like Clitty.
17:01Clitty and Anus.
17:03He got their names right. It's Clitty and Anus.
17:07It just came to me. Clitty.
17:09I found it.
17:12There's time for everything before you pipe up.
17:16Sounds amazing. It was on your mind.
17:19Join me after the break when we'll be looking at more of the best bits from 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
17:30Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
17:32The next round is Believe It Or Not.
17:34Let's have a look at a clip to illustrate the statistic.
17:40Suda, I don't seem to have an email from you again.
17:44Really? I sent it at three.
17:46Well, it's not here.
17:48I don't understand. I sent it.
17:50I thought you wrote down how to do it.
17:52Yes.
17:53Well, perhaps you wrote it wrong with your dyslexia and all.
18:11It is there.
18:15That was a clip from a training video for office managers.
18:19If you've got dyslexia, there is a number you can call,
18:21but pointless given it's here, you won't be able to write it down, will you?
18:26Your related statistic.
18:2816% of bosses have made a decision based on their horoscope.
18:31Do you think that's true or false?
18:33It's all bollocks.
18:34Apart from the magpies, obviously.
18:36I see two magpies.
18:37That's typical school shit.
18:39Hang on. You must see two magpies every day, surely.
18:42Several.
18:43Would you call yourself lucky?
18:44Absolutely.
18:45Every time I go past a building site, somebody goes...
18:48WHISTLES
18:49I like it.
18:50Then you get lucky.
18:51Hey, Bill! Bill, come here!
18:54I want to make love to you, Bill!
18:56I don't think it's ever happened before,
18:58but I imagine this weekend it's going to be happening a lot.
19:01Builders, if you're watching, please.
19:04For us.
19:07Can you make bird noises?
19:08Some of them, yeah.
19:09I would like a chaffinch.
19:11I know chaffinch all right.
19:12It's like a fast bowler running up,
19:14and so he goes...
19:16D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d.
19:18Boll!
19:19That's Cone Dog.
19:20No, he comes up and goes...
19:22Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
19:23D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d.
19:24Boll!
19:25The bird makes that noise.
19:28Did Bill just stand up, then?
19:30Amazing! That's extraordinary.
19:31A man actually gets out of his seat
19:33and is smaller than when he was sitting there!
19:37Bill Uddy, I've had it up to here.
19:39Have you really had bloody up to there?
19:42Have you bloody ever?
19:45Yeah, I used to work on a building site, Lee.
19:4834% of adults would rather be a teenager again than win the lottery.
19:53Do you think that's true or false?
19:54Too much happens when you're a teenager.
19:56Too confusing.
19:57The first date, the first kiss, the first sex, the first drugs.
19:59I mean, that was an afternoon.
20:01I mean, it just was too fast.
20:05But I had a cousin who won the lottery.
20:10What's her name, Chlamydia?
20:13I think her name's Veruca Sustitis, if I'm not mistaken.
20:16Come on, tell us about taramosalata herpes. Come on.
20:20Why am I on this show?
20:23I have literally no idea.
20:24I mean, do I?
20:26Can you go back and be a teenage girl?
20:28That's what I'd like to be.
20:29A Mexican teenage girl called Bernard.
20:32She hasn't got legs. She's got wheels.
20:34A hovering Mexican teenage girl called Bernard.
20:37She's got no legs.
20:38My father only has one leg and my mother only has one leg.
20:41It's the truth.
20:42Really?
20:43Yeah.
20:44But one has a left leg and one has a right leg.
20:46Right.
20:48I suppose they've just got one big belt.
20:57And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:59I'm going to be giving the teams a series of opinion polls and surveys.
21:01It's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
21:04Here is your first one.
21:05Top reason to celebrate.
21:06I know.
21:07Jesus Christ, don't do that.
21:11It's quite a laugh, I admit.
21:13It's a funeral.
21:15Don't.
21:19No, I tell you that.
21:20Unbelievable.
21:21Don't you go to funerals with people you don't like?
21:24I've been to one.
21:26I've never been invited back.
21:29I've never been invited back to a funeral.
21:34Oh, I've been to one funeral and I didn't get invited back.
21:38I can't believe you guys.
21:39Same time again next year, then.
21:42The biggest worry for farmers.
21:44Is it like being asleep at night and the scarecrow tapping on your window?
21:50Me and you outside.
21:53Just going to put my killing head on.
21:56Britain's favourite noise.
21:58Is it that honking noise that women's breasts make when you go like that?
22:11That last one was Jordan.
22:20That's the biggest hit I've ever seen.
22:22That's the biggest hit I've ever seen.
22:24Okay, celebrity most in need of a makeover.
22:28Cherie Blair.
22:31I think probably the most honourable thing I would do is I bought some pictures of Cherie Blair topless off the market and didn't publish them.
22:37There are just some things you can't change.
22:39You just kept them for yourself, you dirty sod.
22:42Well, they did one on Ann Widdicombe, didn't they?
22:44That was fantastic, obviously.
22:46But it's pointless, isn't it?
22:47It's like sprinkling glitter on dog shit.
22:52Best way to become famous.
22:55Is it sleeping with Simon Cowell?
22:57Is that how you did it?
23:05Thing most likely to make men cry.
23:07Speaking for the older generation, I would have to say that it's accepting that your daughter's friends simply think of you as her dad.
23:17So you're crying because you can't fuck your daughter's friends?
23:25High five, Bill Odie.
23:30That is perhaps the most honest answer we've ever had on this show.
23:35Great image, isn't it?
23:36I'm just so good up to Bill Odie, you go,
23:38Oh, you must be Joanne's dad.
23:40Joanne's dad.
23:46Welcome to Springwatch. I've got some binoculars, I'm in a shed.
23:51My daughter's having a sleepover.
23:54Should be a hell of a show.
23:57Well, that is the end of the show.
23:59Thanks to all our fantastic panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
24:03That's it for now, but 8 Out Of 10 Cats will be back next year.
24:06We'll see you then.
24:11Russell Brand has got Sharon Osbourne, Matt, King Of The Jungle and Kasabian tonight at 5 past 11.
24:18But next up, crazy pieces of comedy with Blunder.