Taskmaster NZ S5 Episode 4
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Hello.
00:01And two.
00:02Come on!
00:03Woohoo!
00:04That's for the haters.
00:05Come here.
00:06Come here.
00:07Take a little tea.
00:08Oh!
00:09Oh!
00:10Oh!
00:11Oh!
00:12Good Okoko card tour and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39My name is Jeremy Wells and it has taken years for me to reach the incredible status
00:45I have today.
00:47I joined the television industry as a task officer before working my way up to task lieutenant,
00:54then task commander and task rear admiral until five years ago when I was promoted to
01:02the highest rank in New Zealand television.
01:06That's right.
01:07I am now the Taskmaster.
01:11Tonight I will sit in a chair that Caligula would describe as tasteful and understated
01:19and watch as five comedians perform a series of ridiculous tasks all in the hopes of winning
01:27this.
01:30A magnificent golden trophy that took three hours to make and my head was covered in goo
01:36the whole time and let me be the first to tell you it was not worth it competing for
01:43this trophy.
01:44Please welcome Abbey Howells, Ben Hurley, Hayley Sproul and Tom Sainsbury and in lieu
01:57of Te Whenga Whipuliai tonight, back again it's your friend and my colleague Matt Heath.
02:08And beside me as always is my assistant, he has the gentle energy of someone who has either
02:14never been in a violent situation or has otherwise committed dozens of murders.
02:21Please put your hands together for Paul Williams.
02:24Jeremy, I was wondering if before we get started you could sign my petition.
02:32What's a petition for?
02:34You know when you go to like a sit down restaurant and you get a burger, the burger's too tall.
02:40Like I can't fit it in my mouth, I'm sorry but if you have to stick a knife down through
02:44it to keep it together, that burger is too tall.
02:47Okay, so you want me to sign something?
02:51Just on that please.
02:52It's a blank piece of paper.
02:53Okay, you've got me, I wanted your autograph for my niece.
02:59If you could make it out to her, her name is Paul Williams.
03:08Is that what you want?
03:09Yes please.
03:10God help me.
03:19Okay, what's our prize task tonight Paul?
03:22Tonight we've asked our contestants to bring in the best thing that makes you go, hmm,
03:28I don't know about that.
03:31So let's start with Matt, you are in here as a surrogate for Tofinga.
03:37What have you brought in?
03:38Well it's something that I've dipped into a couple of times but it's still quite a big
03:42mystery to me but it's the woman's reproductive system.
03:50And you've got two children?
03:52Yeah but I'm not, I can't see in there when that's happening if you know what I mean.
03:56Tom, do you reckon you can better that?
03:59Look, I found mine at like a market and I thought hmm, I don't know about that.
04:03I've named her, I've named her Abby Haley.
04:08Oh, thank you.
04:09A lovely name.
04:11You might not realise that but if you peel up her skirts, you'll find a toilet roll in there.
04:16Wow.
04:17Tom, you can't confuse Matt like this.
04:19Like, you pull up the woman's skirt and there's a toilet roll in there.
04:22Yeah, I know.
04:23Because he already doesn't know.
04:25Is that normal?
04:27Sometimes.
04:34So what is the practical reason for it?
04:36Because are you just keeping your toilet roll warm?
04:39I think it was an idea that seeing a toilet roll was somehow revolting.
04:43It was unseemly.
04:44It was unseemly.
04:45Unsightly.
04:46So that's way more unsightly though, isn't it?
04:49Abby.
04:50Yes?
04:51What's something that you went hmm, I don't know about that?
04:54Well, I brought in my friend Eric.
04:59And I'm actually here to advocate for him because initially he'd be like,
05:05oh, I don't know about that.
05:06That's a ventriloquist dummy with a dirty Phantom of the Opera mask on it.
05:10So Eric was actually in my first ever solo stand-up show I did
05:15and we travelled all over the world together.
05:18Can you do Eric's voice for us?
05:20He was like, hello Abby.
05:22I love women's comedy.
05:24I support you so much.
05:27Ben.
05:28So I get motion sickness.
05:30I get car sickness, which I think we can all agree is both sexy and cool.
05:34So I went on the internet to try and find a cure because I'd tried everything
05:39and I purchased these glasses that you put on
05:48and they have liquid in them so that you have an equilibrium at all times.
05:53And do they work?
05:55Hmm, I don't know about that.
06:01Hayley, what did you bring in?
06:04I've actually brought in this cuck chair.
06:10Now the winner of tonight's show doesn't get this chair
06:13but what they do get is to come over to my house.
06:16They can sit in that chair and then either myself or my partner Aaron
06:20will make love to either someone who wins it or their partner or spouse.
06:25Hmm, tell me more.
06:29What a prize that would be.
06:32And so we get to see all of these things?
06:34To be honest it's actually open to anyone and everyone watching.
06:37They can come over and sit in my cuck chair.
06:39Yourself included Jeremy.
06:40And while there's a lot of motion going on, these have come in handy.
06:43So I'm going to have to score this.
06:46The Abby Hayley, my grandmother actually had one of those
06:49so I'm quite familiar with them.
06:51So I'm going to give you one point for that because I've seen a lot of those.
06:54Matt, very familiar with the female reproductive system.
06:57Myself, two points there.
07:01Not only the master of tasks.
07:04Three points for Ben's motion sickness glasses.
07:09Four points only just as the horrific ventriloquist dummy that came in.
07:13He's an ally Jeremy.
07:15And five points for you Hayley.
07:22Okay so what is our first proper task Paul?
07:25It's time to bring some order to the chaos.
07:31Hello Tufinga.
07:32Hello Paul.
07:33Hello.
07:34Hello Abby.
07:35Oh.
07:36Hello Ben.
07:37Hi.
07:38This looks exciting.
07:39What a strange collection of goods.
07:41Space these objects out in the right order.
07:44Fastest and most accurate object order wins.
07:48You have ten minutes.
07:50Your time starts now.
07:54The right order.
07:55The right order.
07:56The right order.
07:57The right order.
07:58The right order.
08:00The right order for what?
08:02Is this one object?
08:04Okay.
08:08Alright let's get on to it.
08:09Who's ordering are we going to see first?
08:11Up first it's Ben Hayley and Hurley Sproul.
08:15In the right order.
08:17Just got anything useful in here?
08:19Anna.
08:20Anna.
08:21Anna.
08:22Those are mine.
08:23Yeah.
08:24Property of Paul.
08:25Bit odd.
08:26That's a chocolate bar.
08:28That's a fork.
08:29Temperature.
08:30A satin handkerchief.
08:32Venus flytrap.
08:33A plate of soil.
08:34And a shoe with some pita bread.
08:36These don't make a great deal of sense to me.
08:38I'm just going to put it in alphabetical order.
08:40T.U.V.
08:41Paul's pervert folder.
08:43P.
08:44There we go.
08:45That's not correct.
08:46That's not correct.
08:47Is it the story of man?
08:48The sun started it all didn't it?
08:50And that's sort of a temperature there.
08:52So you've walked to get some bread.
08:54And you've eaten the bread and that's your dessert.
08:56Boom!
08:57The earth sprung life.
08:59And then we sort of evolved from life to man.
09:03Then man was like, whoa, bloody hungry.
09:08So he learnt how to eat.
09:10And then on the way home you see a nice Venus flytrap.
09:13And it's its story of how it eats.
09:16Okay, so that's kind of setting up the sequel.
09:18Yeah, the sequel, yeah.
09:19Got you.
09:20Well it's not that.
09:21This one, bless you.
09:23Are you allergic to the plants maybe?
09:26I'm allergic to your bullshit.
09:27What?
09:28Sorry, sorry.
09:31Maybe it's just size.
09:34Yep.
09:35No, sorry.
09:36Oh, not again.
09:37Is that the order?
09:38That's not the order.
09:39Is that the order?
09:40That's not the order.
09:41Is that the order?
09:42That's not the order.
09:47It's hard to tell what the order is there.
09:49Do you know what?
09:50I give up.
09:51I'm just going to enjoy myself for 20 seconds.
09:54You've got one minute and seven seconds.
09:56Yeah.
09:57Did you put that in the dirt?
09:59Yep.
10:02Alright.
10:03Thank you, Ben.
10:04Alright.
10:09Okay, Paul.
10:10Well before we go on, I think we probably need to address your swearing,
10:13your rudeness towards Hayley.
10:15Would you like to apologise to Hayley for that?
10:17I'm sorry, Hayley.
10:19I will say, I knew that, you know,
10:21I will say, I knew that as soon as she agreed to come on the show
10:25that I was going to have allergy flare-ups.
10:29Because I am legit allergic to her bullshit.
10:33I'm still bamboozled by that, by the way.
10:35I have no idea.
10:36Do you know what?
10:37I don't want any points.
10:38That task was dumb.
10:41Alright, stop everything.
10:42It's time to go to an ad break and sell some stuff.
10:45Why not entertain yourself by putting all the products in order
10:48from most to least evil?
10:51We'll see you soon.
11:03Kia ora koutou and welcome back to Taskmaster.
11:06Before the break we were watching comedians attempt to put
11:09eight objects in a specific order because it's season five
11:13and we're running out of ideas.
11:17Who's up next, Paul?
11:18Let me put the sentence in alphabetical order.
11:20Abbey and Howells, it's Sainsbury Tom.
11:26Anna Nicole, Anna Paquin, Anna, Anna, um...
11:32Annas, these are all annas.
11:34They're mine.
11:35I love my annas.
11:37No, they're not your annas.
11:38They're all your annas.
11:40My apologies.
11:41Peter Shoe, Peter Pan, Peter...
11:44Oh, and there's a foot in the waste paper basket.
11:47Blue toe.
11:49Blue toe.
11:50You don't need to put that in there.
11:51I don't need to?
11:52No, that's just rubbish.
11:53That's nothing.
11:54OK.
11:55Sainsbury, brain, don't fail me now.
11:58Blue toe.
11:59So, Snickers.
12:01Was that a Mars?
12:02Can I just check?
12:03Is it a Mars?
12:04I'm not familiar with these.
12:05It's a Mars.
12:09They're the planets.
12:11Pluto's not a planet any more.
12:13Venus, OK, I've got it.
12:15Autism rules.
12:17Pen recognition.
12:21My man.
12:22OK, Mercury, Venus, Earth.
12:27We've got Mars and we've got Venus.
12:29Mars.
12:31Jupiter.
12:32Jupiter.
12:33Shoe-pitter.
12:36Saturn, this is Saturn.
12:40Neptune, it's like a tuning fork.
12:43It's Neptune.
12:44It's his trident.
12:46Uranus.
12:48Uranus.
12:52Stop the clock.
12:53Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune.
12:59Pluto.
13:00I feel alive.
13:02I feel electric.
13:05Well, first off, Abby, congratulations on the autism.
13:09Thank you so much.
13:11It's an honour and a privilege.
13:13That was really good.
13:14This all makes me think maybe I need to get tested.
13:19That was the test.
13:22Congratulations, you're in the club.
13:24Oh, my God.
13:25Yay.
13:26Don't look me in the eyes.
13:27How did watching that make you guys feel?
13:30Just real dumb.
13:34Yeah, pretty dumb.
13:35On the bright side, I don't have to wear headphones at concerts.
13:44I went to a concert.
13:46I did wear some headphones.
13:48I did wear some headphones.
13:50I did wear some headphones.
13:52I did wear some headphones.
13:54I did wear some headphones.
13:56I did wear some headphones.
13:59And I remember thinking, Abby, everyone thinks I look real cool.
14:04OK, by my calculations, we've still got one comedian left, Paul.
14:09Correct, Jeremy.
14:10And even if you're terrible at putting things in order,
14:12I'm sure you can probably guess who's coming up next.
14:15It's Taufinga.
14:17Mmm.
14:18What's her name again?
14:19Anna Paquin.
14:21Why have you got all these pictures of her?
14:23Those are my Annas.
14:25Annas?
14:26Yeah.
14:28OK.
14:29What sort of plant is this?
14:30It's a Venus flytrap.
14:31A what?
14:32Venus flytrap.
14:33A Venus flytrap?
14:35It traps flies.
14:37Just flies?
14:38Why are you asking?
14:40Just wondering if you wanted a trap, Anna Paquin.
14:43A fork?
14:44Oh.
14:45Now I know why the fork's there.
14:47Why?
14:48Because I'm wondering what the fork this is all about now.
14:51Are you enjoying this one?
14:53It's probably my favourite task of all time.
14:56I just wish I had my family here.
14:58It's just so wonderful.
14:59You've got four minutes and 22 seconds.
15:01Thank you, Paul.
15:02It's really helping me.
15:04It's OK.
15:09I hope you think.
15:10It does still need to be in the order, though.
15:12Oh, yeah.
15:13I'll leave a little bit.
15:15I just have to get the order right.
15:17It doesn't have to explain what it's supposed to mean, eh?
15:19Yeah.
15:21That is not the correct order.
15:24That's not right.
15:26That's not right, but you're not that far off.
15:29Not that far off.
15:33It's quite a stink task.
15:35OK.
15:36There's ten minutes I can't get back from my life, Paul.
15:38I could have spent that with my kids,
15:40doing their maths homework,
15:42telling them a story before they go to bed.
15:44But you ask me, come here, do this.
15:47Thanks, Paul.
15:48Thank you, Toofinger.
15:54OK, Paul.
15:55Would you like to publicly apologise to Toofinger
15:58for taking him away from his kids?
16:00Sorry, Toofinger.
16:02That's a heartfelt apology.
16:04Yeah.
16:09Sorry.
16:10Having a flare-up.
16:12Sorry.
16:13Having a flare-up.
16:17Matt, would you like to explain whether or not
16:20you thought Toofinger was being sarcastic
16:22when he said that he...
16:24No, no, he wasn't, and we at Team Toofinger,
16:27we don't approve of that task.
16:29I don't think we even want to be part of that order.
16:32I don't approve of it.
16:34We approve.
16:35We actually might just boycott that.
16:37And I think we're a majority now,
16:39so I reckon that task gets stricken from the record.
16:41Yeah.
16:42I mean, I think, luckily, you aren't a part of it
16:44cos you get no points at all, so I think that's fine.
16:47Yeah, well, no, but we still...
16:48You're not not giving us no points.
16:50We're not taking the points.
16:52We don't want your points.
16:53We don't want your points.
16:54Oh, so if I gave you points, you wouldn't take them?
16:57Well, how many are you offering?
17:01How are we going to divvy up the points?
17:03Well, so it was timed.
17:04Tom and Abby, the only two to successfully order the items.
17:09Tom in 8 minutes and 54 seconds.
17:12Abby in 4 minutes and 10 seconds.
17:17That's impressive.
17:20So how would you like to score it?
17:22Probably a 4 and a 5.
17:23So 4 for Tom.
17:24Yeah.
17:25And 5 points for Abby Howells.
17:29It's only fair.
17:30OK, so where does that leave the episode score so far, Paul?
17:33Out in first with 9 points, Abby Howells.
17:39Now, Paul, these tasks are just like a potato snack
17:42that I'm not allowed to name.
17:44I have popped and I cannot stop.
17:46Give me another one, please.
17:48It's another team task
17:49and it's time for a good old-fashioned boxing match.
18:05Oh, wow. OK.
18:07Hey, Paul.
18:08Oh, my God, this is exciting.
18:10Kia ora, Pauline. Kia ora.
18:13OK, build the tallest skyscraper out of the boxes
18:16without leaving your designated areas.
18:19One person will build, the other two will supply boxes.
18:23The supplier may request a box by asking Paul for it by number.
18:28That supplier must do an impression...
18:30..of the person written on the box.
18:33..if the builder guesses the impression correctly.
18:36The supplier may supply it.
18:38The builder may not request a new box...
18:41..until the last impression has been guessed.
18:44If you cheat, Paul will knock over your skyscraper
18:48and you must start again.
18:49Tallest skyscraper wins.
18:51You have one minute to discuss your roles
18:53and 15 minutes to build.
18:55Your time starts now.
18:56I reckon you be the impressionist.
18:58And you be the builder?
18:59You want me to be the builder?
19:00Yeah, you go builder.
19:01I'm confident to be in here.
19:02Yeah, I trust you.
19:04OK, and we'll do the impression.
19:06Yeah, oh boy.
19:07APPLAUSE
19:10How quick was Ben Hurley to say,
19:13right, Hayley, you do the acting and I'm going to do the building.
19:16Building's for boys, acting's for girls.
19:18No, Hayley spent $38,000 on an acting degree
19:21that she's never used.
19:23LAUGHTER
19:25Who's first?
19:26It's the team of three.
19:28Supplier's ready.
19:29We're ready.
19:30Builder ready.
19:31Ready.
19:32WHISTLE BLOWS
19:33Let's go for number 29.
19:36Made a beautiful house out of gingerbread.
19:40Oh, the witch from Hansel and Gretel.
19:42Yes.
19:43You got it.
19:44Go, go, go, go.
19:45OK, let's go for number 45.
19:47I'm a bit of a star man, you might say.
19:51Oh, David Bowie.
19:52Yeah.
19:53Yeah.
19:54You do one.
19:55WHISTLE BLOWS
19:57I'm Norman Bates.
19:58WHISTLE BLOWS
19:59I'm Hitchcock.
20:00WHISTLE BLOWS
20:01Oh, his mother.
20:02No.
20:03WHISTLE BLOWS
20:04LAUGHTER
20:05You're holding a knife.
20:06From?
20:07Psycho.
20:08Yeah!
20:09A knife from Psycho.
20:10Yeah!
20:11That's not a character!
20:12Let's go for 53.
20:14Ooh.
20:15Marilyn Monroe.
20:16I'm chocolate.
20:17I melt in the mouth, not in the hand.
20:20You're the green M&M.
20:21Yeah!
20:22Correct.
20:23You go for it.
20:24Number four.
20:25I don't even know who this is.
20:27Should we just say his name so we can go on to the next one?
20:29Yeah.
20:30Ernest Rutherford.
20:31BUZZER
20:33Oh, no!
20:34Oh, no!
20:35I'm so sorry.
20:3614.
20:37Yes.
20:38Please be easy.
20:41Oh, I really love doing magic.
20:43Harry Potter's...
20:44The actor's...
20:45Oh, Daniel Radcliffe?
20:46Different character.
20:47Oh, it's a different character.
20:49Oh, gosh.
20:50I don't even watch Harry Potter.
20:51I'm sitting on my...
20:53Chair?
20:54Seat?
20:55Arse.
20:56Not the top, but the...
20:58Bottom.
20:59Neville Longbottom.
21:00Yeah!
21:02Number six.
21:03I'm American and I love to fly jet planes.
21:07Tom Cruise?
21:08Yeah!
21:09Wait.
21:10Tom Cruise and Top Gun?
21:11Correct.
21:12That's the one.
21:13Can we have number 10, please?
21:14That's hard.
21:15Yeah.
21:16Apparel Paris Hilton?
21:17Yes!
21:20Number nine.
21:24Many millions of years ago.
21:27Yes, this is good.
21:28You're a dinosaur?
21:29Yep.
21:30Are you a species of dinosaur?
21:31Yes.
21:32Or is this a reptile?
21:33Yes, yes!
21:34That's right!
21:35One minute left.
21:36I've only told them to blow the bloody doors off.
21:39Five seconds.
21:40Oh, Sons of a Tangerine.
21:42Oh, oh, Bruce, what have you done?
21:45Three, two...
21:48Chuck.
21:55Oh, Tom.
21:57Tom, you had to just chuck another box on there at the end, didn't you?
22:00I know.
22:01We did.
22:02I don't know if you noticed in that task, whenever I would get someone,
22:04it would be, like, Michael Caine or someone easy,
22:06and Tallfinger was getting, like, the knife from Sucker
22:09and Ernest Rubin.
22:11Once again, Team Tallfinger's doing all the hard work.
22:13Yeah.
22:14Yeah, but did you like Tallfinger's strategy,
22:16which was if Tom couldn't guess it, he'd just continue doing the same thing?
22:19Yeah.
22:20It worked.
22:21And it worked.
22:22It worked.
22:23Should we see other team or should I tell you how tall that tower was?
22:25I think you should tell us how tall their tower was.
22:2878 centimetres.
22:29Not bad.
22:30Hard to beat.
22:31That's pathetic.
22:33All right, stop everything.
22:35Let's do your best impression of a good consumer and watch these ads.
22:38We'll see you straight after the break.
22:40APPLAUSE
22:52Welcome back to Taskmaster.
22:54Who have we got next, Paul?
22:56It's time to see the acting skills of a drama school graduate
23:00and the building skills of a Ben Hurley.
23:03It's Hayley and Ben.
23:057, 24 or 50?
23:077. Let's go 7.
23:087.
23:10OK.
23:15Psycho. Knife.
23:16Alfred Hitchcock.
23:17What is the thing that's in my hand?
23:19It's a knife.
23:20From?
23:21Psycho.
23:22The knife from Psycho?
23:23Was it?
23:24Oh, right.
23:25So it's not just people.
23:26OK.
23:27Ooh.
23:28Merry Christmas.
23:30Oh, Ebenezer Scrooge.
23:32You're the ghost of Christmas past.
23:34Not the past.
23:35You're a ghost of Christmas future.
23:41Oh, hello, everybody.
23:43Queen Elizabeth II.
23:44Or?
23:45Queen Elizabeth I.
23:48We are brothers and we learned to fly the first.
23:52Oh, the Wright brothers.
23:54Which one?
23:55Orville.
23:56Yes!
23:57I'm good at history.
23:58Why is everybody taking so long?
24:01Please.
24:02Don't take my... Don't make me choose!
24:04Meryl Streep.
24:06I'm an American actress.
24:08You are, um...
24:10You're in Jerry Maguire?
24:11Yes.
24:12Yes.
24:13I play a British journalist.
24:14I got big and then I get skinny.
24:16You're Bridget Jones.
24:17And you're in the one about the Civil War.
24:19And what is your name?
24:20I look like I've sucked on a lemon.
24:22Yeah, yeah.
24:23I know exactly who you mean.
24:24I can't think of a name.
24:25Renee Zellweger.
24:27Oh, man.
24:28Come on, come on.
24:29OK, pick a number.
24:30Come on, come on.
24:31No, no, no.
24:32Bottom one, the bottom one.
24:33Because wind's not allowed.
24:34The bottom one.
24:35Wind is not allowed.
24:36OK.
24:37OK.
24:39What is happening?
24:40Right, what's the deal with, like, crazy people these days?
24:43Aisha Carlson.
24:46Yes!
24:47Look at how the eagle flies.
24:50David Attenborough.
24:51Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
24:53Dame Julie Andrews.
24:54Real famous, little chocolate buttons.
24:56You're a green M&M.
24:57I'm going to write a play, thou doth not know.
25:00William Shakespeare.
25:01Oh, well, one for the money.
25:02Elvis Presley.
25:03Here you go.
25:0420 seconds.
25:05Yes!
25:06Yes, yes, yes.
25:08You're so good.
25:09You're so good.
25:10That was really good.
25:11You're so good.
25:17Such positive affirmation.
25:20And your team, it's not often I say this, Hayley,
25:22but that drama degree really came in handy.
25:25That is $38,000 before your very eyes, Jeremy.
25:29Congratulations on knowing the Wright brothers' name.
25:33I mean, that was good.
25:34Orville and Wilbur.
25:35Wilbur.
25:36Yeah, that was good.
25:39But you could tell I was doing Orville.
25:42Yeah, totally.
25:43The performance gave Orville.
25:44I was like, I know Wilbur,
25:45my Wilbur sits more back here, like this.
25:48Orville's more front leading, like that.
25:51How high was Hayley and Ben's tower?
25:55The height to beat was 78 centimetres.
25:58Theirs was 287 centimetres.
26:02Nice.
26:03Nice.
26:05So in terms of scoring,
26:06five points presumably for the team of two.
26:08How many for the team of three?
26:10That's a good question.
26:11Tom, Abby and Tofinga should get two.
26:14Two points.
26:15I think that's fair.
26:16Yeah, that is fair.
26:18And you know what?
26:19I'm going to take part in this task,
26:20as opposed to the other way.
26:22Oh, was that not clear?
26:23I've opted back in as well.
26:24Yeah, back in, yeah.
26:25Right, time for another task.
26:26Paul, what have you got in store for us?
26:28Get your backpacks off and get your books out.
26:30School is in session.
26:42Hello, Ben.
26:43Hi, Paul.
26:45Hello, Paul.
26:46Hello, Abby.
26:47Hello, Hayley.
26:48Hi.
26:49Hi, Paul.
26:51My favourite.
26:53What's your favourite?
26:54Apples.
26:55Apple.
26:56Oh, were you saying hey Paul or apple?
26:59It's hey Paul or apple.
27:01Oh, okay.
27:02Apple.
27:03Hello.
27:05All right, what are we in for now?
27:09Teach Paul a lesson.
27:11Best lesson wins.
27:13You have 30 minutes.
27:15Your time starts, as always, now.
27:24Seems pretty simple.
27:25Teach Paul a lesson.
27:27A lesson.
27:28We all know Paul doesn't really know that much, so it's not hard, surely.
27:32Okay.
27:33For first period, we've got Mr Hurley and Mr Sainsbury.
27:40What if I taught you every New Zealand Prime Minister since 1935 in order?
27:44That would be pretty good.
27:45What ones can you name?
27:47Bill English.
27:48Good.
27:49Obviously.
27:50Obviously.
27:51I'm wondering if I can do the scattergun effect, if I try and teach you many lessons.
27:54Like quantity over quality.
27:56Because I'm a cool teacher, I'm going to sit in my chair like this.
28:02Very cool.
28:03First up, we've got biology.
28:05Did you know that seagulls, to every 8 male chicks that are hatched, 10 female chicks are hatched?
28:10And 14% of seagulls are exclusively lesbian.
28:14Did you know that?
28:15No.
28:16Michael Joseph Savage becomes the first Labour Prime Minister.
28:19Peter Fraser, now he was our wartime Prime Minister, and we had Mike Moore.
28:26Do you like using a megaphone, or do you like using a mic more?
28:32When it is the verb, you stress the second syllable.
28:36When it is the noun, you stress the first syllable.
28:39Here's an object.
28:40But I object.
28:42We had Chippy Hippy.
28:44That's what I'm going to call him.
28:45Because I think that adds some fun to the lesson.
28:47So when I'm handing you a gift, it is a...
28:50Present.
28:51No.
28:52It's a...
28:53Present.
28:54Sorry, I thought you were presenting me.
28:55Oh, sorry.
28:56With a gift.
28:57You get it. There's English.
28:58There's probably not a great mnemonic here, is there?
29:01Mary Poppins said,
29:03Wait, children, without the K.
29:06Jumping never works.
29:08It would also maybe help if you came up with a story that sort of involved their names.
29:12I mean, that's how I remember it.
29:14What's your story?
29:15Well, just the story of New Zealand history.
29:18Oh, OK.
29:19They're like, Christ has risen again.
29:21And Thomas is like, I don't believe that.
29:24And then from then on, he was known as Thomas the Doubter.
29:27Oh, wow.
29:28I know.
29:29OK, that's your religious instruction.
29:30What else am I missing?
29:31Mary.
29:32Mary.
29:33Poppins said,
29:35Wait, children, spelled with a K.
29:37Jumping never works.
29:40History.
29:41OK.
29:42Do you know the most common female name in the 1950s?
29:45Anne.
29:46Close.
29:47Anna.
29:48It wasn't close.
29:49Oh.
29:50It begins with N.
29:51Mary.
29:52Mary.
29:53Do you know what the least common name was in the 1950s?
29:55Adolph.
29:59You still don't meet many Adolphs.
30:00No.
30:01Jumping, Jax, Hate, Jumping, Bill English, Jacinda Ardern, Chris Hipkins, Chris Luxon.
30:12Well done.
30:13Well done.
30:19Some important lessons learned there.
30:21So Ben taught you the New Zealand Prime Ministers from the Second World War.
30:25Correct.
30:26Can you list them in order now?
30:33Hey, hey, the task is not teach Paul a lesson and have him retain it for three months.
30:39That's true.
30:40Tom.
30:41Yes.
30:42You were teaching a different type of curriculum.
30:44I did everything.
30:45Something else about seagulls is that they live to...
30:50I'm feeling like I'm more and more Abbey Howells with every one of those.
30:54They live to...
30:55Like, there is a species of seagulls that live to 45,
30:57so you might be walking around with a seagull that's like,
31:00get out of my way, and it's 45 years old.
31:02Yeah.
31:03Wow.
31:04Yeah.
31:05For a while there you pivoted into religious studies.
31:07I did.
31:08Well, you know, there was a Catholic school, wasn't it, Clare,
31:10with our overlord, you, overlooking everything.
31:14Maybe one day you'll be crucified, Jeremy.
31:19One can only hope, Abbey.
31:20Yeah.
31:21One can only hope.
31:22Save us from our sins.
31:23Exactly.
31:24That's enough learning for now.
31:25It's time to soften your brain with the soothing power of unskippable ads.
31:29We'll see you after that.
31:41CHEERING
31:43Welcome back to Taskmaster.
31:45The five comedians are trying to win a haunted puppet from Abbey
31:49that will definitely kill them in their sleep.
31:52Where were we, Paul?
31:54Our five contestants were attempting to teach me a lesson.
31:57So far, Ben has taught me every New Zealand Prime Minister
32:00since World War II,
32:01and Tom Sainsbury has taught me which seagulls are gay.
32:06For second period, we've got Miss Sproul and Mr Fipuliai.
32:12Can I have a bite?
32:13You can have several.
32:15OK.
32:16I'm going to teach you a small marching routine,
32:20which you will then perform...
32:23I'm actually allergic to apples.
32:25Um...
32:26How allergic?
32:27I'll be fine. I just have a bit of an itchy throat.
32:29I'll teach you to make a cup of tea.
32:31Do you know how to make a cup of tea?
32:32Uh, not really.
32:34We'll go to the kitchen and I'll teach you.
32:35That's a lesson, eh?
32:37Are you sure you should keep eating that?
32:39You're allergic.
32:40A little bit.
32:41OK. I have allergies too.
32:43Well, you're allergic too.
32:44I'm allergic to your bullshit.
32:48Now that we've got water in here, what do you do?
32:50Turn it on.
32:51Yeah, that's the one.
32:53Now, while we're waiting for the hot water,
32:55what we usually do is we learn a dance or a song.
32:58OK.
32:59Stand and up, stand and down.
33:02Why have you got your head down?
33:04I thought that's what you did.
33:05No, no.
33:06And then I say...
33:11Yeah, but you have to move your hips as well.
33:14Stand and down.
33:16No, don't do the head. I'm looking at your feet.
33:18My head just naturally wants to go down.
33:20It just feels more respectful.
33:22To whom?
33:23Who are you bowing to?
33:25The troops.
33:26Just pour it into a cup, about three quarters.
33:29Let's have a cup of tea.
33:31Let's just pour...
33:32You don't want to do any more?
33:37Ready?
33:38Stand at ease.
33:40Stand and up, stand and down.
33:42Head up.
33:43Attention.
33:45Stand and up, stand and down.
33:47Quick march.
33:49And one, two, three, four, in.
33:52And one, two, three, four, in.
33:55And one, two, three, four, in.
33:59Left.
34:00March.
34:01And one, two, and three, four.
34:05And in.
34:06And salute.
34:07And up, two, three, down.
34:12I know it's a really good start.
34:14Jig-a-middle-chee.
34:15Jig-a-middle-chee.
34:16A-ki-ki-po-po-ki-ki-po-po.
34:18A-rum-pa-pa-chee.
34:19A-rum-pa-pa-chee.
34:20A-ki-ki-po-po-ki-ki-po-po.
34:21Si-mi-si-mi-se.
34:22A-si-mi-si-mi-se.
34:23A-we-li-we-li-mi-tee.
34:24A-we-li-we-li-mi-tee.
34:25Viva!
34:26Viva!
34:27Hey!
34:28Suana-pa-banana.
34:30Suana-pa-banana.
34:32Suana, suana, suana-banana.
34:35Suana, suana, suana-banana.
34:39If you wanna, throw it outside.
34:41Throw it outside.
34:42If you wanna, throw it outside.
34:43Throw it outside.
34:44Throw it outside.
34:45Shoo-hoo!
34:47A-yah!
34:48APPLAUSE
34:49My man!
34:50CHEERING
34:51APPLAUSE
34:54Matt, as Toffinger's surrogate tonight...
34:57Yes, we're very happy with that.
34:59How much of Toffinger's dance was culturally appropriate there,
35:04with your knowledge of Samoan dance?
35:06120%.
35:07Wow.
35:08The Kiki Poppa, Kiki Poppa, you got that down, didn't you?
35:11Yeah.
35:12Have you retained the dance?
35:14I think if he led me, I might be able to.
35:16Are you able to fulfil that role?
35:18LAUGHTER
35:20Soana Pop Banana, I remember that bit.
35:22It was the Kiki Poppa, Kiki Poppa.
35:24I don't think that's quite right.
35:26It was, definitely, if you don't want to throw it outside.
35:28That's right.
35:29Which is a good lesson for anyone.
35:31LAUGHTER
35:32True.
35:33Hayley, were you impressed?
35:34Paul's dancing was quite good.
35:36Where did you learn...
35:37Sorry, sorry.
35:38Dancing, Jeremy?
35:40LAUGHTER
35:41Marching is a sport.
35:43It's sort of like dressage for people.
35:45LAUGHTER
35:47When did you do marching?
35:49Still.
35:50You march now?
35:51Yeah.
35:52I've marched since I was, like, eight years old and I'm 34.
35:54Why?
35:55LAUGHTER
35:57It's a good question.
35:58How many people are you rustling up for your marching?
36:00Is it just you or...?
36:01No, no, it's a team.
36:02There's a team?
36:03In a technical block, there's ten.
36:05Impressive.
36:06And you can get ten people together to do that?
36:08We'll get hundreds.
36:09LAUGHTER
36:10OK, Paul, I'm ready for another lesson.
36:12Who have we got next?
36:13Last, but academically not least, it's Dr Howells.
36:18LAUGHTER
36:24Stop right there!
36:27Before you pass, you must answer my question three.
36:32OK.
36:33Is your name Paul?
36:36Yes.
36:37Do you like to party?
36:40Yeah.
36:41Do you think I'm beautiful?
36:48Yes.
36:50Whoa!
36:53Thank you, Paul.
36:55You have freed me.
36:56Because you can see that I was beautiful on the inside.
37:00And, um, that's what matters.
37:03OK.
37:04Telling the truth serves a lot of good, doesn't it?
37:07I will say, like, when you had the mask on,
37:09I felt like I was lying when I said yes.
37:11Yeah, I kind of hoped that you would say...
37:15But the magic still worked anyway.
37:17OK.
37:18Yeah.
37:19And it's important to be kind and respectful, OK?
37:23Cos you don't know what people are going through.
37:26Thank you for saving me.
37:28No worries.
37:31APPLAUSE
37:38OK, Abi, so just quickly clarify the lesson
37:41that you were teaching Paul there.
37:43It was through not lying that he found my inner beauty.
37:49But he did.
37:50But he didn't lie.
37:51He didn't lie.
37:52I did lie.
37:53That mask was, I'd say, objectively ugly.
37:57I think probably the lesson he learned was
38:00kindness always pays off.
38:02I think I did learn that if you're going to hurt
38:05someone's feelings, lie.
38:07And why are we vilifying the ugly version of Abi?
38:10Like, why is she bad?
38:11Well, that's another lesson.
38:13Hey, this is the thing.
38:15The actual thing that we watched, there was no lesson.
38:18No.
38:19Let's just be clear about that.
38:20I'm hearing nothing but lessons!
38:22There was no lesson.
38:23I will say I did learn the lesson that ugly people are gross.
38:28Yes.
38:30And should be avoided.
38:32Yes.
38:33OK, I have to score this.
38:36One point for Abi, because there was no lesson.
38:40It was teach Paul a lesson and there was no lesson.
38:43I enjoyed it, but there was no lesson.
38:45I don't think you did.
38:46You're fired up, mate.
38:47I loved it.
38:50It's true.
38:51This is literally the shittiest we've seen him all season.
38:55Two points for Hayley, because there was one lesson
38:58that was taught and it was the marching.
39:00Tofinga ended up teaching Paul two lessons.
39:04Well, one and a half, really, so I'll give him three points.
39:07Tom taught Paul some lessons,
39:10but he didn't testimony in any of the lessons,
39:14so none of it went in.
39:16Whereas I thought, Ben, actually, you should get five points
39:19because you taught Paul a lesson and he remembered it at the time,
39:22even though now he doesn't.
39:23Yes.
39:24Yeah, beautiful.
39:25Thanks, guys.
39:26So that does it for part four.
39:28It's time for you to watch some videos
39:30that all have the same important lesson.
39:32It's good to buy stuff.
39:34We'll see you after the break.
39:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:47Welcome back to Talesmasters, you cheeky rascals.
39:50Now, if you're just joining us, you have really screwed up your timing
39:53because we're nearly at the end of the episode.
39:55We have just got the live task to go,
39:57but before we get to that, can I have a score update, please, Paul?
40:01It's extremely tight, but out in front on 13, it's Ben Hurley.
40:05Oh, wow.
40:06OK, ooh.
40:07We've all been out in front.
40:08It's anyone's episode.
40:10Alright, you guys, please head up to the stage
40:12for the final task of the show.
40:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:18OK, Paul, who's reading up the task tonight?
40:21Ben Hurley will read the task.
40:23OK, sure.
40:25Write down the name of an animal, vegetable or vehicle
40:29and hand it to Paul.
40:35Thank you, Tom.
40:36Thank you, Matt.
40:37Thank you, Hayley.
40:38You're welcome.
40:39Thank you, Ben.
40:40Thank you, Addie.
40:42There's a second task.
40:43Yeah.
40:44Using the canvas behind you,
40:46communicate to the taskmaster what your animal, vegetable or vehicle is.
40:50You may now turn around while working on your canvas.
40:53You may not tamper with your backpack.
40:55When you are ready for the taskmaster to guess,
40:58stand next to your canvas.
40:59If he guesses wrong, you may alter your canvas and try again.
41:03Fastest correctly guessed animal, vegetable or vehicle wins.
41:08Oh, dear.
41:09LAUGHTER
41:10You each have a mirror.
41:12Are you ready?
41:13Yeah.
41:14Yeah, man.
41:15WHISTLE BLOWS
41:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:25A carrot.
41:26Yes!
41:27Correct.
41:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:33Oh, God!
41:37Jeremy.
41:38A pig.
41:39And Matt?
41:41Um, a turnip.
41:43Incorrect.
41:44Close.
41:45Jeremy.
41:46A diplodocus.
41:47That is not correct.
41:49Ben's a turtle.
41:51Correct.
41:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:54Koala.
41:55Correct.
41:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:59Just...
42:01A chicken?
42:02That is incorrect.
42:05Matt's done a Jackson Pollock.
42:07LAUGHTER
42:08It's a cat.
42:09Incorrect.
42:10Don't give up, Abby.
42:12LAUGHTER
42:13Oh, an aeroplane.
42:15Matt, is that...? Do you want to guess?
42:18I'm just trying to actually ascertain the best way forward here.
42:21OK.
42:22Maybe if they each tell me either it's an animal or a vegetable
42:26or a vehicle.
42:28Abby?
42:29It's an animal.
42:31OK, that's not helping.
42:33Matt?
42:34It's a vegetable.
42:35LAUGHTER
42:37What?!
42:38Abby, is yours an albatross?
42:40No.
42:41No.
42:42Matt, is yours a cauliflower?
42:43No.
42:44OK, they can do one pose.
42:47WHISTLE BLOWS
42:48LAUGHTER
42:52OK, you must be a radish.
42:54Incorrect.
42:55And Abby's?
42:56Horse.
42:57OK.
42:58LAUGHTER
42:59Pony.
43:00Matt?
43:01A carrot.
43:02Yes!
43:03Correct.
43:04What the hell is this?!
43:05You should have just pointed it there.
43:07So, the artwork's carrot, carrot, koala, turtle, Shetland pony.
43:13LAUGHTER
43:14Oh, no!
43:16OK, bud, come on down and we'll judge it.
43:19APPLAUSE
43:22MUSIC
43:26Oh, Jesus!
43:29Welcome on.
43:31So, based on the order that Jeremy guessed the pictures,
43:34we get one point for Abby, two points for Tofinga,
43:37three points for Hayley, four points for Ben
43:39and five points for the King of Carrots, Tom Sainsbury.
43:42CHEERING
43:44Right, so what does that mean for our episode?
43:47It means that the winner of episode four with 17 points
43:51is Ben Hurley.
43:53CHEERING
43:55Ben, congratulations on winning five things that make you go,
43:59hmm, I don't know about that.
44:01Arguably one of the worst selection of prizes
44:03we've ever had on this show.
44:05Please go and collect them on stage.
44:08CHEERING
44:10That's the end of episode four.
44:12And what have we learnt?
44:14We've learnt that if you meet a man with a creepy folder
44:17full of pictures of women,
44:19it's most likely to do with the solar system.
44:22We've learnt that if you meet an old witch in the forest,
44:25either tell her she's ugly or don't,
44:27it will work out fine either way.
44:30But most importantly,
44:32we've learnt that the winner of this episode is Ben Hurley!
44:36CHEERING
44:38We can't wait to see you back here next week, Ka kite anō.
44:42Goodnight.
44:44MUSIC
44:49CHEERING
44:59It's time to party hard.
45:03I don't like organised fun.
45:05What do you call this? My job.
45:07You're going to roll, doggo. Cool.
45:09You look psychotic.
45:11There's a little bit of sex in the old dog.