Ask A Policeman (1939) B&W

For The Love Of Film Education (FTLOFE)

Watch Ask A Policeman (1939) B&W - For The Love Of Film Education (FTLOFE) on Dailymotion

Transcript

00:00:00This is a production of the U.S. Department of State.

00:00:30This is a production of the U.S. Department of State.

00:01:00We are now back in the studio, having shown you the type of crime which occurs all too

00:01:14frequently in London, keeping a highly organized police force constantly employed.

00:01:19But now, by way of contrast, we're taking you over to a little village on the coast.

00:01:23In the sleepy little hamlet of Turnbottom Round, there are no criminals.

00:01:28For years now, not a single conviction has been recorded, not even a name in the charge

00:01:31book.

00:01:33This unique record has caused Turnbottom Round to be envied throughout the south of England

00:01:36as the village without crime.

00:01:39The police station occupies an old watchtower and is probably the least used building in

00:01:43the neighborhood.

00:01:45Ladies and gentlemen, the police station Turnbottom Round.

00:01:49Well, here we are, ladies and gentlemen, in the police station of the village without

00:01:54crime.

00:01:56We have with us, as an audience, the squire and all the local celebrities.

00:02:01The absence of crime in this happy village is entirely due to the efficient and indefatigable

00:02:06efforts of the head of the local police force, Sergeant Dudford.

00:02:11Sergeant Dudford.

00:02:13Oh, is it me?

00:02:16Good evening, everybody.

00:02:19A little further back and not quite so loud, please.

00:02:22Oh, I see.

00:02:23A little farther back, yes.

00:02:24Is it true you've had no crime in this village for ten years?

00:02:26No, no.

00:02:27That's my bit.

00:02:28Oh, is it?

00:02:29Oh.

00:02:30Oh, I'm sorry.

00:02:31That's his bit.

00:02:32Yes.

00:02:33Is it true that you've had no crime in this village for ten years?

00:02:34Oh, I see.

00:02:35We're starting again.

00:02:36Yes, that is true.

00:02:37And how long exactly is it since you last had a crime?

00:02:39Ten years, five weeks, four days.

00:02:41Very interesting.

00:02:42And how long have you been in charge of this police station?

00:02:45Ten years, five weeks, four days.

00:02:47I can hardly believe it.

00:02:48Well, that's what it says here.

00:02:50Very commendable, Sergeant.

00:02:52A record like yours deserves a reward.

00:02:54Hey, where is it?

00:02:56I have merely done my duty.

00:02:58I do not expect any reward.

00:03:00Sorry, I don't remember approving that line.

00:03:02When you say there has been no crime, you mean no big crime.

00:03:06I mean none, either big or little.

00:03:08What about minor offenses such as pilfering or poaching?

00:03:11There has been no poaching in this village for ten years, five weeks, four days.

00:03:15Amazing record, Sergeant.

00:03:16Yes, I haven't seen a poacher for the last...

00:03:18Since you've been here, definitely an achievement, Sergeant.

00:03:21I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.

00:03:25And for an agricultural district like Turnbotham Round,

00:03:28never to have known a case of poaching in ten years,

00:03:31well, all I can say is it says a great deal for the control you exercise over the villagers.

00:03:35Well, what have you done? You've made us miss the broadcast.

00:03:37He will not be naughty.

00:03:38Yes, he'd be more naughty if he missed his dinner tomorrow.

00:03:44Get up, you fool. Don't you know they're making a broadcast in there?

00:03:47Get some light in here.

00:03:48That's better.

00:03:49That's better. If we hurry, we'll just make it.

00:03:53He's still talking.

00:03:55I thought you said you'd remember the broadcast.

00:03:57No, I didn't. I said I'd remember to remind you about the broadcast.

00:03:59Well, why didn't you?

00:04:00Because I forgot.

00:04:01Because you forgot. You always forget.

00:04:03Come on. All right, wait for me.

00:04:05I've set an example to the police all over the world.

00:04:08Our Sergeant Dudford staff have just returned from their lonely beats.

00:04:12Two splendid fellows.

00:04:14One is a fine, youthful figure of a policeman, and the other is just...

00:04:17They don't want to hear about him.

00:04:18Sorry we're late, Sarge.

00:04:19Good evening, Constable Brown.

00:04:20Sir, you too have helped to keep this village free from crime.

00:04:23Not at all!

00:04:24Not so loud and stand farther back.

00:04:26This village must be very proud of you.

00:04:27Well, my girl Emily says I'm a...

00:04:28You mean my girl Emily.

00:04:29That's a nice thing to say in a broadcast.

00:04:31Well, they can't make anything good out of that, can they?

00:04:35Now, how long have you been with the force?

00:04:37Twelve months next muck-spreading.

00:04:38What do you mean, muck-spreading? It says April.

00:04:40Well, there is muck-spreading.

00:04:41What?

00:04:42Why don't they stick to the script?

00:04:43I mean, what is it? This isn't a gardening talk?

00:04:46And you've never been called upon to arrest even a drunk.

00:04:49Oh, no. No drunks here.

00:04:55You must tell the choir boys it's the streets, not the proper place to practice.

00:04:58Yes, Sarge.

00:05:00And how about you, Constable...

00:05:02Harbottle.

00:05:03Pleased to meet you.

00:05:04Harbottle, aye, yes.

00:05:05You control the traffic.

00:05:06And you've never even known a case of speeding.

00:05:08No fear.

00:05:09I'd have soon had the bracelets on them if I had.

00:05:11Oh, that must be the doctor on an urgent case.

00:05:13Urgent?

00:05:14Yeah, probably going to Mrs. Ockham.

00:05:16She always needs it till the last minute.

00:05:20Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologize for this old fool.

00:05:22If ever he opens his mouth, he always sticks his foot in it.

00:05:24He comes butting in, he's got no right here at all.

00:05:26And what's more...

00:05:27You're wasting your time, sir. You've been faded out.

00:05:29Well, what about these other three pages?

00:05:31It's all your fault.

00:05:33Oh, I'm sorry this happened, Sergeant. You were doing splendidly.

00:05:36Oh, well, you know how it is.

00:05:37The BBC always fade out the best items.

00:05:39Good night, Sergeant.

00:05:40Good night.

00:05:42The least I can do is to thank you for your trouble.

00:05:44Being a police officer, of course, you can't accept a fee.

00:05:46Oh, does that come under this?

00:05:47Oh, what a pity.

00:05:48But if there's any local charity for which you'd like a contribution...

00:05:51Well, we have the police outing fund, sir.

00:05:53I think it's going to be rather difficult to get that in.

00:05:55Oh, no, no, no, it isn't. There we are.

00:05:57Good night, Sergeant.

00:05:58Good night.

00:05:59Come and say good night to the gentlemen.

00:06:01Come on, come on.

00:06:02Good night.

00:06:03Good night.

00:06:04Good night.

00:06:05Good night.

00:06:23We're not open yet.

00:06:24Got plenty for you this morning, Sarge.

00:06:26Have you?

00:06:27Yeah.

00:06:28Well, they can wait for their money.

00:06:29Show them in next door.

00:06:36Hello, Ernie.

00:06:37How's the missus?

00:06:38Very nice, thanks.

00:06:39The Sergeant says I have to bring his post here.

00:06:41What, all that lunch?

00:06:42What's he been up to?

00:06:49Come in out tonight, Emily.

00:06:50Oh, I can't, Ernie.

00:06:51I've got a date.

00:06:52Hey, not with Harry Pringle, the fish boy.

00:06:54Why, what have you got on Harry?

00:06:55Oh, nothing.

00:06:56I never thought a girl like you would aim a bit higher than a common eel skinner.

00:06:59Well, at least he does take me to the pictures.

00:07:01Pictures?

00:07:02What's the matter with you?

00:07:03You go there and pass out at Robert Taylor and Clark Gable.

00:07:06Takes you a couple of weeks to get used to me again.

00:07:08Oh, you're just jealous because Harry's got a motorbike and you haven't.

00:07:11Huh?

00:07:12Motorbike?

00:07:13I wouldn't take one of my girls out on a motorbike, bumping up and down on the pillion,

00:07:16getting disfigured for life.

00:07:18Don't you believe it, big boy?

00:07:20The back of a motorbike's OK by little Emily.

00:07:22Oh, I suppose you wouldn't come out in my car.

00:07:24Your car?

00:07:25Well, you haven't got a car.

00:07:26It belongs to the police.

00:07:27Anyway, you're afraid to take me out in it.

00:07:30Says who?

00:07:31Says me.

00:07:32Well, you'll be at the crossways at half past five tonight and we'll see.

00:07:35Well, I might, now you've bought me the sweets.

00:07:38So long, honey bud.

00:07:39All right.

00:07:41Here, here.

00:07:42Here, here, here.

00:07:43Here, here, here.

00:07:44Don't empty my world of broken biscuits.

00:07:46Who are they for, the governor?

00:07:48Oh, I see.

00:07:49Well, at least it's all those for me.

00:07:50Perhaps they're Christmas cards.

00:07:52What in November?

00:07:53It's your fun mail after your broadcast.

00:07:55Oh, how do you know?

00:07:56Well, I opened one or two.

00:07:58You opened one or two?

00:07:59Do you know that's an offence?

00:08:00Yes.

00:08:01Yes, and so was your broadcast.

00:08:03Here, lovely.

00:08:04What's all that lot?

00:08:05Oh, my fan letters.

00:08:07Only for me.

00:08:08Hey, look, there's one with OHMS on it.

00:08:09Ah, that'll be from the BBC.

00:08:11Wanting to fix up another broadcast.

00:08:13Yes.

00:08:15Dear sir, re your broadcast.

00:08:17Your failure to effect a single arrest for the past ten years, five weeks, four days,

00:08:22would strongly suggest that the police station in your area is unnecessary.

00:08:27An investigation will shortly be made to decide whether to transfer you to another district

00:08:31or to retire you and your staff from the force altogether.

00:08:35Yours faithfully, John Conshaw, Chief Constable.

00:08:38Oh, dear.

00:08:39Transferred or retired.

00:08:41That's a bit thick.

00:08:42No, I don't want to retire.

00:08:43At least not till I'm an old man.

00:08:44I mean, you're ten years older than the pilgrimage now.

00:08:46Just shut up.

00:08:47It's all your fault.

00:08:48You and your blew in broadcast.

00:08:49Well, there's gratitude for you.

00:08:51After me making him into a policeman.

00:08:52Well, you had to when he's left.

00:08:53You resigned.

00:08:54Resigned.

00:08:55I like that.

00:08:56You mean did a bunk with a sports fund.

00:08:57Yes, and you kept his name on the payroll.

00:08:59That's right.

00:09:00And if I hadn't have come in, he wouldn't have had any odd bottle to show.

00:09:02Yeah, and you wouldn't be able to stick to half his wages.

00:09:04That's commission.

00:09:05Blimey, you should talk.

00:09:06What about all that petrol you've been using taking your girl out?

00:09:09Well, what about it?

00:09:10It's not yours.

00:09:11It's police petrol.

00:09:12That's got nothing at all to do with it.

00:09:13It's the principle of the thing I'm talking about.

00:09:15There's no use fighting amongst ourselves.

00:09:17What are we going to do about this letter?

00:09:19Well, I'll tell you what we're going to do about it.

00:09:21If the chief wants arrests, he's going to have arrests.

00:09:23We've got to find some crime, that's all.

00:09:25Let me see.

00:09:28Here.

00:09:29I know where there's some crime.

00:09:30Where?

00:09:31In the news of the world.

00:09:33I mean, we can't wait till Sunday.

00:09:34Yeah, what about Mrs. Clifford?

00:09:35Has she paid her dog license?

00:09:37Well, she has in a way.

00:09:39What do you mean she has in a way?

00:09:41Well, she tossed me double or quits and I lost.

00:09:44We can get her for gambling.

00:09:45Oh, we can't do that.

00:09:46She's one of my best customers.

00:09:47Box of dog biscuits into Bob Martin's every Friday.

00:09:50Well, we're going to arrest someone whether we offend them or not.

00:09:52Yes.

00:09:53What about poaching?

00:09:55No.

00:09:58No.

00:10:02You know, Jolly Willy hasn't got a car.

00:10:04He's only got a bike.

00:10:07Hey!

00:10:08Hey, come back here!

00:10:09You can't go carrying through here.

00:10:11What are you doing? This is a restricted area.

00:10:15Hey, there's an idea.

00:10:16Restricted area.

00:10:17We'll set a speed check.

00:10:18I mean, we'll give them arrests.

00:10:19We'll stop everything.

00:10:21Hey, where's my stopwatch, Albert?

00:10:22Oh, I gave it half a bottle.

00:10:23Yes, I had it, but I boiled it.

00:10:25You what?

00:10:26I boiled it.

00:10:27See, I had the egg in one hand and the watch in the other,

00:10:28and I put the wrong one in.

00:10:29You would.

00:10:30Well, you better bring the egg.

00:10:31What shall I do with it?

00:10:32Well, suck it and see.

00:10:42All right, I'm ready.

00:10:44Get in the hay.

00:10:46All right.

00:10:48Well, I don't see how you're going to work it.

00:10:50Well, it's perfectly simple.

00:10:51Half bottle's at the top of the road with the first post,

00:10:53and when a car passes him, he's going to start his watch

00:10:55and drop his handkerchief.

00:10:56Yes, but what do I do?

00:10:57Well, when you see his handkerchief,

00:10:58you start your watch.

00:10:59Yes, but who's going to stop the motorists?

00:11:01I am.

00:11:02I'm going to stop every car that passes.

00:11:08Oh, you didn't stop that one.

00:11:09He came before I was ready.

00:11:11Here, set your watch by mine.

00:11:12Hey, sounds like another car.

00:11:14Well, get in the hedge over there.

00:11:16Yes.

00:11:33You were exceeding the speed limit.

00:11:34Don't talk rot.

00:11:35Oh, yes, you were.

00:11:36All right.

00:11:37How much do you reckon I was doing there?

00:11:38Yeah.

00:11:39Oh, well, all in good time.

00:11:40Herbert!

00:11:41Half bottle!

00:11:42What was this man doing?

00:11:4325 minutes.

00:11:44Yeah.

00:11:45Minutes.

00:11:46Those are seconds.

00:11:47Oh, yes.

00:11:48I was looking at the wrong end.

00:11:49What do you make it?

00:11:5025 seconds.

00:11:51So do I.

00:11:52You did the measured furlong in 25 seconds.

00:11:54What of it?

00:11:55That's only 20 miles an hour.

00:11:56Yeah.

00:11:5720 miles an hour.

00:11:58Oh, yes, but 20 miles each.

00:12:00You see, there's three of us.

00:12:01That makes it 60.

00:12:0260?

00:12:03What on earth are you dribbling about?

00:12:0425 seconds, one furlong.

00:12:06Work it out for yourself and see.

00:12:07Oh, that's easy.

00:12:08All right.

00:12:09Oh, that's easy.

00:12:10I've got a pencil.

00:12:11I suppose you think we can't do it, don't you?

00:12:12There you are.

00:12:13Now, let me see it.

00:12:14Now, what is it?

00:12:15220 yards multiplied by 8.

00:12:16That's not on my bollocks.

00:12:17All right.

00:12:18All right.

00:12:19We're only doing it to oblige you.

00:12:20Yes, we're courtesy cops.

00:12:21Yes.

00:12:22220 yards multiplied by 8.

00:12:23That's 1,760.

00:12:24Now, divide that by 25 seconds.

00:12:25Hey, the thing to do is to reduce it to hours.

00:12:26I mean, how can you reduce 25 seconds to hours?

00:12:27Listen, how long do you expect me to wait here?

00:12:28You wait here.

00:12:29You wait here.

00:12:30You wait here.

00:12:31You wait here.

00:12:32You wait here.

00:12:33You wait here.

00:12:34You wait here.

00:12:35You wait here.

00:12:36Now, you wait here.

00:12:37You wait here.

00:12:38You wait here.

00:12:39How can you reduce 25 seconds to hours?

00:12:40Listen, how long do you expect me to wait here?

00:12:41You wait till we've finished.

00:12:42You ask for it, you're going to get it.

00:12:43Yes, I've done it.

00:12:44Have you?

00:12:45Yes.

00:12:46Good.

00:12:4725 minus 220 divided by 60 gives us..

00:12:48Well, according to this, he hasn't got it yet.

00:12:49Yeah.

00:12:50There it is.

00:12:511,760 divided by 25 gives us 70.4.

00:12:5470.4?

00:12:55Yeah.

00:12:56Well, it's gone up.

00:12:57Well, that's nearly 80 miles an hour.

00:12:58All right.

00:12:59Yes.

00:13:00Ask him for his license.

00:13:01I want to see your license.

00:13:04I haven't got a license.

00:13:05I said I haven't got a license.

00:13:07He hasn't got a license.

00:13:09Ask him for his insurance.

00:13:11Well, let me see your insurance certificate.

00:13:13I'm not insured.

00:13:14What, you mean you haven't got a license or an insurance?

00:13:16No.

00:13:17He hasn't got a license or an insurance.

00:13:19Oh.

00:13:21Well, it's a very lucky thing for you, young man.

00:13:23You've just saved your bacon.

00:13:24Do you mean I can go?

00:13:26Well, I can't endorse your license if you haven't got one, can I?

00:13:28Go on, hop in.

00:13:29Next time, be sure you bring one with you.

00:13:31Yeah.

00:13:36Well, if you ask me, it's a waste of time.

00:13:38Oh, well, who's wasting the time?

00:13:40It'll be ten minutes to work out a simple little sub like that.

00:13:42Well, it isn't, Al.

00:13:43It's a post.

00:13:44Well, what's the matter with them?

00:13:45Too clean?

00:13:46No, they're 220 yards apart.

00:13:48Well, what's that got to do with it?

00:13:49Look, 60 seconds in a minute.

00:13:5160 into 220 won't go.

00:13:53That's right.

00:13:54Well, if we made it 240, it's four.

00:13:56Four?

00:13:57Four times a minute.

00:13:59Oh.

00:14:00That seems very often, doesn't it?

00:14:01Oh, no, you don't understand.

00:14:03Oh, no, you don't understand.

00:14:04Look, if we move that post a bit this way, it's easy to divide.

00:14:07Well, why didn't you say so?

00:14:13Oh.

00:14:14Go on.

00:14:15Now, put some beef in it.

00:14:16Go ahead and put some beef in it.

00:14:17Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

00:14:19There you are.

00:14:20There it is.

00:14:21Now, we'll step it out 20 yards, and you bring the post with you.

00:14:23Go on.

00:14:241, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.

00:14:32Hey, sounds like another car coming.

00:14:34All right.

00:14:35Well, no arguments this time.

00:14:36We've all agreed it's doing 60.

00:14:37Right.

00:14:38Now, run up the road and get ready to drop your handkerchief.

00:14:40Hey.

00:14:41I haven't got a handkerchief.

00:14:42Well, drop your sleeve or whatever you use.

00:14:49We can't put this.

00:14:50Well, put it anywhere.

00:14:51Here, stick it there.

00:14:54It won't stick here.

00:14:55Well, stick it.

00:14:56Never mind.

00:14:57Hold it.

00:14:58Get your watch ready.

00:15:03What the devil's the meaning of this?

00:15:05Well, first of all, have you got a license?

00:15:07Of course I've got a license.

00:15:09You have?

00:15:10Then you're for it, my lad.

00:15:11You were doing 60 miles an hour.

00:15:13I was doing what?

00:15:1460.

00:15:15Absolute nonsense.

00:15:19Ah, what was this man doing?

00:15:2160.

00:15:2260, huh?

00:15:2360 miles an hour.

00:15:2460 miles an hour.

00:15:2560 miles an hour.

00:15:2660 miles an hour.

00:15:2760 miles an hour.

00:15:2860 miles an hour.

00:15:2960 miles an hour.

00:15:30What was this man doing?

00:15:3160.

00:15:3260, huh?

00:15:33You have the evidence to tell me that I was doing 60.

00:15:35What's that?

00:15:36Oh, a policeman.

00:15:37Yes.

00:15:38Well, I must be going mad or something.

00:15:39What's he doing with that thing?

00:15:40That?

00:15:41Ha, ha.

00:15:42That's evidence.

00:15:43Evidence.

00:15:44Quiet, quiet.

00:15:45Now you, say truly, uh, uh, truly.

00:15:46Truly rubbish.

00:15:47Yes, that's right.

00:15:48Say that.

00:15:49Truly rubbish.

00:15:50As I thought.

00:15:51Drunk as well.

00:15:52All right, boys.

00:15:53That's it.

00:15:54What?

00:15:55I warn you, anything you say will only make it worse for you.

00:15:56The handcuffs are on the floor.

00:15:57Let me back.

00:15:58Let me back.

00:15:59You'll be my customer, will you?

00:16:00Oh, I see.

00:16:01I see.

00:16:02Resisting arrest, eh?

00:16:03All right, boys.

00:16:04Leave him be.

00:16:05Now, go on.

00:16:06Get in and drive him to the street.

00:16:07I'll tell you something.

00:16:08What?

00:16:09He wasn't going very fast at all.

00:16:10Well, fast or slow, it doesn't matter.

00:16:11The law's the law.

00:16:12I know.

00:16:13Go on.

00:16:14Ah, we've got a case at last.

00:16:15Did you search him?

00:16:16Yep.

00:16:17One pocketbook, one pocketbook.

00:16:18One pocketbook.

00:16:19One pocketbook.

00:16:20One pocketbook.

00:16:21One pocketbook.

00:16:22One pocketbook.

00:16:23One pocketbook.

00:16:24One pocketbook.

00:16:25One pocketbook.

00:16:26One pocketbook.

00:16:27One pocketbook.

00:16:28One pocketbook, one watch, one penknife and no money.

00:16:31One penknife and no what?

00:16:32And no money.

00:16:33Come on.

00:16:34Turn out your pockets.

00:16:35Oh, all right.

00:16:36One penknife and 15 bob.

00:16:38I mean, will you never learn to be honest?

00:16:40He's as much our person as he's yours.

00:16:41Here, I'll find Bob each.

00:16:43Now, let's see what his name is.

00:16:45You got anything inside?

00:16:56Oh.

00:16:58What's the matter?

00:17:00We've only pinched the chief constable, that's all.

00:17:02Oh, that's an itch, ain't it?

00:17:03Yeah, we've got to get him out of that cell before he comes to.

00:17:06Now, when he wakes up, we don't know anything about this.

00:17:08We'll pretend we're surprised he's here.

00:17:10We'll ask him how he got here.

00:17:11Shh.

00:17:12I know.

00:17:13He hit something with his car.

00:17:14Tell him there's been an accident.

00:17:15Yes, and when he finds out there hasn't been an accident,

00:17:17there will be one.

00:17:18Don't be silly.

00:17:19After a pout on the head like that,

00:17:20he won't know what's happened.

00:17:21Hey, where are you going?

00:17:22I'm going out to fix the accident.

00:17:23Right.

00:17:28Oh.

00:17:40Hey.

00:17:42Hey, what are you doing?

00:17:43What are you doing?

00:17:44I'm kicking the front of the car in.

00:17:47Hey, wait.

00:17:48Are you serious doing that?

00:17:49That won't look like an accident.

00:17:50You want to, uh, you want to drive it into something?

00:17:52Well, that's an idea.

00:17:53Hurry up.

00:17:54He'll come to any minute.

00:17:56Where's the starter?

00:17:57Eh?

00:17:58It's that little knob over there.

00:17:59Hey, come out.

00:18:00Let me do it.

00:18:01Oh.

00:18:02Let me.

00:18:03You're switching on the lights.

00:18:04There's the self-starter.

00:18:05Oh.

00:18:08Oh, oh, oh.

00:18:09Look at my samples.

00:18:10Why didn't you tell me you'd left it in gear?

00:18:12Well, you didn't give me time to tell you anything.

00:18:14Oh, well.

00:18:15Anyway, they can't say there hasn't been an accident.

00:18:18Oh.

00:18:27Oh, are you feeling better now, sir?

00:18:32You scoundrels.

00:18:34I'll have the lot of you in jail for this.

00:18:36He's delirious.

00:18:37Delirious?

00:18:38Take it easy, sir.

00:18:39You've had an accident.

00:18:40What are you talking about?

00:18:42You assaulted me.

00:18:43That's right.

00:18:44No, you've had an accident, sir.

00:18:45Oh, an accident, sir.

00:18:46Yes.

00:18:47You were driving your car, and you suddenly left the road,

00:18:49went smack through the shop next door.

00:18:51You impudent scoundrels.

00:18:52Well, if you don't believe us, come out and have a look.

00:18:54Yes, yes.

00:18:55Come and have a look.

00:18:57You assaulted me on the high road.

00:18:58Oh, we didn't, sir.

00:18:59Oh, nothing of the kind.

00:19:00Why, we haven't been out of the house all day, sir.

00:19:02Really.

00:19:03You held me up and accused me of speeding, and you know it.

00:19:05Hallucination.

00:19:06Yes, that's what it is, sir.

00:19:07Hallucination.

00:19:08Very common after an accident.

00:19:09What?

00:19:10Especially a nasty one like this.

00:19:11Look.

00:19:12What have you done to my car?

00:19:13Keep calm, sir.

00:19:14Keep calm.

00:19:15It'll all come back to you.

00:19:16Come back?

00:19:17It hasn't gone away from me yet.

00:19:18You stopped me on the high road for speeding,

00:19:19and what's more, you accused me of being drunk.

00:19:21Oh, pure hallucination, sir.

00:19:23Yes, hallucination.

00:19:25That's right.

00:19:26Are you trying to tell me that I drove down this road

00:19:28and for no reason at all crashed my car into this shop?

00:19:30Exactly, sir.

00:19:31I refuse to believe such outrageous nonsense.

00:19:33Oh, excuse me, but it's perfectly true.

00:19:35What?

00:19:36I was in the Sadler's shop down the road

00:19:37and saw the whole thing.

00:19:38You did?

00:19:39Who's this?

00:19:40Oh, this is the squire.

00:19:41Do you mean to tell me you substantiate this man's story?

00:19:44Definitely.

00:19:45Well, you come with me.

00:19:47Yes.

00:19:51Thank you very much.

00:19:54If there's anything in this outrageous story,

00:19:56how on earth do you explain this bump?

00:19:58Well, uh, might I suggest, sir,

00:19:59that you hit your head on the windscreen?

00:20:01Good heavens, man, I can't hit the windscreen

00:20:02with the back of my head.

00:20:03Oh, maybe you was in reverse.

00:20:05Oh.

00:20:08Albert Brown, you can't do this to me.

00:20:10I've been waiting at the crossways over half an hour.

00:20:12Shut up.

00:20:13This is a chief constable.

00:20:14Oh, I didn't know you had a friend.

00:20:16Well, if you'd told me, I'd have brought Aggie.

00:20:18Who is this woman?

00:20:19This is Emily, sir.

00:20:20What's she doing here?

00:20:21She's my bird, sir.

00:20:22You what?

00:20:23She's a bit.

00:20:24She's the parlor maid at the manor.

00:20:25Come on, Emily, run along.

00:20:26We're very busy.

00:20:27Yes, but what about...

00:20:28All right, just a minute, ma'am.

00:20:33What is all this about?

00:20:35Oh, Constable Brown wants to know

00:20:36if he can go to the pictures.

00:20:38Certainly Constable Brown can go to the pictures.

00:20:40Oh, thanks, chief.

00:20:41You wouldn't like to go too, would you?

00:20:43No, I went last Wednesday.

00:20:44And what about you?

00:20:45No, I prefer the book by the fire.

00:20:46Oh, you do?

00:20:47Good night, all.

00:20:48Good night.

00:20:49Good night.

00:20:50Goodbye, what's your name?

00:20:51Abyssinia.

00:20:53Bright little girl, isn't she?

00:20:54Well, chief, what about a little drink?

00:20:56Oh, of course, I'm sorry, they're not open yet.

00:20:58I'll take the jug round the side door.

00:20:59Mrs. Davis will let me have it.

00:21:00What?

00:21:01Yes, she always does.

00:21:02Yeah, that's a good idea.

00:21:03Would you prefer old and mild, or would you like bitter?

00:21:04I think you'd better take the large jug.

00:21:05Stay where you are.

00:21:07When I heard your broadcast,

00:21:08I expected to find it dead of incompetence,

00:21:10but I never thought it would be as bad as this.

00:21:12Letting a constable go to the pictures with a girl,

00:21:14getting drinks out of ours.

00:21:15Is that the way to run a police station?

00:21:17You call this a police force?

00:21:19How old are you?

00:21:20Forty-two.

00:21:21You look more like eighty-two to me.

00:21:22Oh, that's the life he's led.

00:21:23No, it isn't.

00:21:24It's through seeing it what done it.

00:21:26Seeing what?

00:21:27The ghost.

00:21:28What ghost?

00:21:29The ghost of the headless horseman driving us.

00:21:30Horrible it was.

00:21:31I lost my ear, and my teeth fell out, all in a night.

00:21:34Oh, don't take any notice of him.

00:21:36He has hallucinations, too.

00:21:37But it's true.

00:21:38Ah, true.

00:21:39Yes, and I'll tell you once more, I know other people...

00:21:41Remember, I wanted confirmation that this place

00:21:43is run by a pack of idiots.

00:21:44I've got it.

00:21:45The most inefficient and disorganized rabble

00:21:47that ever had the audacity to call itself a police force.

00:21:49Apparently, you consider this blundering incompetence,

00:21:51daring illegality, and outrageous discourtesy

00:21:53to be the normal manifestations of a policeman's duty.

00:21:56You'll hear more than this.

00:22:03Oh, good-bye to you, gentlemen.

00:22:05Good-bye.

00:22:06Thank you for calling.

00:22:07Don't worry, we'll look after everything.

00:22:08Yes.

00:22:09Well, go on.

00:22:10Move along, move along.

00:22:11There's something to see.

00:22:12All right, all right.

00:22:14Now you've offended him.

00:22:16What do you want to tell him

00:22:17a silly, idiotic, daft story like that for?

00:22:19Headless horseman.

00:22:21Well, there is an headless horseman.

00:22:22You ask him down in the village.

00:22:24Have you seen it?

00:22:25No.

00:22:26Well, what do you want to tell him

00:22:27that yarn about you're tea-topping out for?

00:22:28Well, I had to tell him something,

00:22:29otherwise he'd have gone looking up my birth certificate.

00:22:31What, the doomsday book?

00:22:33Well, we'd better start packing.

00:22:35Packing?

00:22:36Well, we might as well be ready for the boot

00:22:37when it does come.

00:22:38What, are we leaving the dear old home?

00:22:40Yes, we're going to be kicked out

00:22:41into the dear old gutter.

00:22:52That looks for good, does it?

00:22:53Oh, you can't go out like that.

00:22:54No.

00:22:55You know, if only we could do something sensational,

00:22:57get the Daily Express behind us,

00:22:58they wouldn't dare sack us.

00:22:59I'll tell you what.

00:23:00What?

00:23:01Couldn't you arrest someone for speeding?

00:23:02Listen, I'm liable to be arrested for murder.

00:23:04What do you think we've been doing?

00:23:05Look where it's got us.

00:23:06All we've got to do is arrest some famous criminal.

00:23:08What criminals are they?

00:23:09Guy Fawkes.

00:23:10Oh, lovely Guy Fawkes.

00:23:11He's dead.

00:23:12He wasn't a criminal.

00:23:13He invented fireworks.

00:23:14There must have been some crime here,

00:23:15some time or another.

00:23:16Haven't we got any records?

00:23:17We've got the old charge books down in the cellar.

00:23:19Well, let's go and have a look at those.

00:23:20All right.

00:23:21Bring your bullseye, will you?

00:23:22Bring the bullseye, please.

00:23:24Here's the bullseye.

00:23:26Can you see?

00:23:27Yeah.

00:23:31There.

00:23:32I say, you're in a bit of a muddle down here, aren't you?

00:23:34I can tidy it up tomorrow.

00:23:36Tomorrow?

00:23:37What's the good of putting off till tomorrow

00:23:38what we can't be here to see?

00:23:39Well, where are your books?

00:23:40Here they are.

00:23:41Oh, yes.

00:23:42Here they are.

00:23:43All right.

00:23:44Let's try this one, shall we?

00:23:46Yes.

00:23:49Oh, I say.

00:23:50Ooh.

00:23:51Ooh?

00:23:52Yes.

00:23:53Uh, 1753.

00:23:55Well, that's going back a bit, isn't it?

00:23:57Yes, it is, yes.

00:23:58Oh, here's a crime.

00:23:59Highway robbery.

00:24:00No, that's no good.

00:24:01That's legal now.

00:24:02Is it?

00:24:03Yes.

00:24:04Daniel Gould was convicted of sheep stealing.

00:24:07Yeah, what did he get?

00:24:08Was sentenced to be hurdled, hanged, drawn, and quartered.

00:24:11Blimey.

00:24:12Oh, gee.

00:24:13Yes, here are George Connachie.

00:24:15Did slay, kill, and willfully murder his wife

00:24:17by throwing her off a cliff.

00:24:18Ooh, what did they do to him?

00:24:20He was fined four and sixpence.

00:24:22That don't seem right, do it?

00:24:24Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake.

00:24:2614 and sixpence.

00:24:28Yes, where was it?

00:24:30Larceny, five and sixpence.

00:24:33Larceny, piracy, treason, resisting the press gang,

00:24:38whistling in church.

00:24:39I mean, these are no good to us.

00:24:41Haven't you got some other books somewhere else?

00:24:43You know, something on up-to-date crime?

00:24:45I've got some Sexton Blakes in the shop library.

00:24:47You have?

00:24:48Yes.

00:24:49Well, why don't you say so

00:24:50instead of wasting our time down here?

00:24:51Come on, let's go and have a look at them.

00:24:53Well, they might give us an idea if nothing else.

00:24:55Here.

00:24:56Huh?

00:24:57Here, you've got a customer, sir.

00:24:58Oh, good evening.

00:24:59Good evening, Sergeant.

00:25:01Anything wrong?

00:25:02Oh, yes, sir.

00:25:03In a way.

00:25:04You see, it's like this, sir.

00:25:06My brother Alfred, he's a lighthouse keeper.

00:25:09And this morning he had to go off

00:25:10on his month's duty in the lighthouse, see?

00:25:13Yes, yes, I see.

00:25:15And he didn't want to go.

00:25:17And why didn't he want to go?

00:25:20Go on, I'll buy it.

00:25:21Why didn't he want to go?

00:25:23Because of our poor old grandmother.

00:25:26She's been ailing for years now, poor soul.

00:25:30And now she's open at death's door.

00:25:33But as I says to Alf, duty is duty.

00:25:37And the lighthouse must be lit.

00:25:39Oh, yes, of course.

00:25:40Then suddenly I gets an idea.

00:25:43How about a signal, I says to Alf?

00:25:46Yes.

00:25:47What did Alf say?

00:25:48Alf says if you could do that, I'd be easy in my mind.

00:25:52All right, I says.

00:25:53Uh, you says.

00:25:54I says, I'll hang up a light

00:25:56where you can see it from the lighthouse.

00:25:58And while that there light's still burning,

00:26:00you'll know our gun is still with us.

00:26:03That's a good idea.

00:26:05So I thought maybe you wouldn't mind

00:26:07if I put it up on top of the tower here

00:26:09so that Alf can see it.

00:26:10This being the highest point hereabouts.

00:26:13Oh, by all means.

00:26:14Why, if anything happened to the old lady,

00:26:16I'd never forgive myself.

00:26:18Up the stairs till you come to the top.

00:26:20Thank you, Sergeant.

00:26:22What's the matter with you?

00:26:24I'm thinking about his poor old grandmother

00:26:27out there alone in a lighthouse.

00:26:30Listen, why don't you listen, you old fool?

00:26:32His grandmother's not in the lighthouse.

00:26:34She's hovering around death's door.

00:26:36And he's putting that light up there

00:26:37so his brother will know that his grandma's light's

00:26:39not been put out.

00:26:44I don't know.

00:26:45I don't know.

00:26:46I don't know.

00:26:47I don't know.

00:26:48I don't know.

00:26:49I don't know.

00:26:50I don't know how I can thank you for this, Sergeant.

00:26:53Oh, that's all right.

00:26:54I mean, anything in the cause of charity.

00:26:56Charity.

00:26:57Here's the box.

00:26:58Oh, there's no need for you to give anything.

00:27:01Half a clump.

00:27:03We'd have done it for nothing, you know.

00:27:05That's all right.

00:27:06Good night, Sergeant.

00:27:07Good night.

00:27:11I was thinking about his poor old granny.

00:27:14And you only want a sentence.

00:27:15Do I?

00:27:16Well, I imagine you've got it.

00:27:17Listen, we're going to look at your sex from Blake.

00:27:20Oh, come on.

00:27:21Where's the crime section?

00:27:22Here you are.

00:27:23Here it is.

00:27:24Dauntless Desmond or the mystery of the blood-stained sheet?

00:27:27Oh, that's a hot one, that is.

00:27:28You want to read page 34 where he's alone with her,

00:27:30in the office.

00:27:31In the what?

00:27:32In the office.

00:27:33Office?

00:27:34You mean office.

00:27:35No, I don't.

00:27:36I mean office.

00:27:37In the oasis.

00:27:38That means he had a date with her.

00:27:39Dauntless Desmond.

00:27:41Should be dirty dick.

00:27:42While you've been playing footy-footy at the pictures,

00:27:44we've reached a crisis.

00:27:45Oh, you'd reached that before I went out.

00:27:47Hey, do you realize, my boy,

00:27:48if we don't find some crime before tomorrow, we're out?

00:27:50Well, you've got a whole shelf full of crime there.

00:27:52There you are, look.

00:27:53Bill the body snatcher, Sam the smuggler cop.

00:27:55Smuggling.

00:27:56Now, there's your crime.

00:27:57Smuggling?

00:27:58Yeah, all we've got to do is to catch some smugglers.

00:28:00Oh, crime.

00:28:01Now, where do we find the smugglers?

00:28:02Oh, we don't find them.

00:28:03We stage a smuggle.

00:28:04We put a keg of brandy on the beach,

00:28:05then we find it with witnesses.

00:28:07Well, what good does that do us?

00:28:08Well, then they'll have to keep us here

00:28:09until we find the smugglers.

00:28:11Alison, how can we find smugglers if there aren't any?

00:28:13We haven't got any brandy either.

00:28:16Well, here, here, I've got some brandy.

00:28:17Oh?

00:28:18What are you doing with brandy?

00:28:19Well, I keep it in case I get too thankful.

00:28:21Too thankful?

00:28:22The only thing you're likely to get is gummy.

00:28:23Well, come on.

00:28:24Don't waste time.

00:28:25Don't get the brandy.

00:28:26Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

00:28:27Who's in charge here?

00:28:28You were, but you got the bullet.

00:28:29I got nothing of the kind.

00:28:30The bullet may be on the way, but until it actually lands,

00:28:32you'll take your orders from me.

00:28:33And I'm having nothing at all to do with it.

00:28:35It's not safe.

00:28:36Well, please yourself.

00:28:37Come on, Joey.

00:28:38We want to keep our jobs.

00:28:39Hey, do you mean to tell me you're going to defy me

00:28:41and go through with it?

00:28:42Certainly.

00:28:43Oh, well, what about me?

00:28:44Well, you can help if you like.

00:28:45Oh, thank you very much.

00:28:46And, uh, what do I do?

00:28:47All we do is we put the keg of brandy on the beach,

00:28:49then go for a witness.

00:28:50All right, who puts the keg of brandy on the beach?

00:28:52You and Harbottle.

00:28:53I do.

00:28:54I suppose you go and get the witness.

00:28:55Yeah, it's all right, isn't it?

00:28:56No, it isn't all right.

00:28:57You put the brandy on the beach, and I'll go and get the witness.

00:29:05There's a storm coming up, ain't there, Terry?

00:29:07You're telling me.

00:29:08All right.

00:29:11Put it down there.

00:29:19Now, what's your name and address?

00:29:207 Monroe, Six Fisherman's Cottages.

00:29:23All right, well, you'll be hearing from us officially.

00:29:26Thank you very much.

00:29:27Good night.

00:29:28Good night.

00:29:31There's a...

00:29:32I know, I know.

00:29:33There's a storm coming up.

00:29:38Hello?

00:29:39Hello?

00:29:40Oh, give me a door, Mr. 6666.

00:29:42I want the chief constable.

00:29:43This is very urgent.

00:29:45Hello?

00:29:46Hello?

00:29:47Come on.

00:29:48Look, I know I'm in a hurry.

00:29:49This is very important.

00:29:50I don't care if the chief constable is in bed.

00:29:52You get him out of bed.

00:29:53I want to talk to him at once.

00:29:54Hey, hey, what are you two trying to do?

00:29:56Spoil everything?

00:29:57Onesie, no?

00:29:58One what?

00:29:59One keg of brandy.

00:30:00What are you talking about?

00:30:01Chief constable?

00:30:02Yeah.

00:30:03All right, I'll hang on.

00:30:04What are you ringing the chief constable up for?

00:30:05Tell him about the keg of brandy on the beach.

00:30:06We haven't taken it down yet.

00:30:07That's what I'm talking...

00:30:08What?

00:30:09We haven't taken it down yet.

00:30:10Yeah, when we filled it, we couldn't lift it,

00:30:11so we've been emptying it.

00:30:12That's right.

00:30:13What are you blibbering idiots babbling about?

00:30:14I've just brought the keg of brandy

00:30:15from the beaches we arranged.

00:30:16But you couldn't have done.

00:30:17Well, there it is.

00:30:18Blimey, another one.

00:30:19That's an itch.

00:30:20What, do you mean to tell me that...

00:30:21Hello?

00:30:22Hello?

00:30:23It's the chief constable.

00:30:24Now what am I going to tell him?

00:30:25Well, you rang him up, you think of something.

00:30:26Oh, dear.

00:30:28Oh, I didn't.

00:30:29Oh, wrong number.

00:30:30Oh, I said that.

00:30:31Oh.

00:30:32Beach run.

00:30:33Good stuff, too.

00:30:34Yeah, well, you leave that alone.

00:30:35It doesn't belong to you.

00:30:36Well, who does it belong to?

00:30:37Oh, that's what we're going to try and find out.

00:30:38Yeah, are you sure you didn't put that one on the beach?

00:30:39Yeah.

00:30:40We've only got one keg, and there it is.

00:30:41Well, where's the other one?

00:30:42Oh, there it is.

00:30:43Oh, dear.

00:30:44Oh, dear.

00:30:45Oh, dear.

00:30:46Oh, dear.

00:30:47Oh, dear.

00:30:48Oh, dear.

00:30:49Oh, dear.

00:30:50Oh, dear.

00:30:51Oh, dear.

00:30:52Oh, dear.

00:30:53Oh, dear.

00:30:54Oh, dear.

00:30:55Oh, dear.

00:30:56Oh, where'd the other one come from, then?

00:30:57Perhaps it's been washed up by the sea.

00:30:59Oh, what does it matter what it was washed up by?

00:31:01Did it do just as well?

00:31:02Does it affect our story?

00:31:03If it don't belong to anybody, let's drink it.

00:31:05And what will that get us?

00:31:06A good booze-up.

00:31:07Yeah, a good booze-up.

00:31:08All our plans mucked up.

00:31:10We cast our bread upon the waters,

00:31:11and back comes a keg of rum that we don't want.

00:31:14Get three glasses.

00:31:15Yes, sir.

00:31:17Oh, it's gone!

00:31:18What?

00:31:19Woo!

00:31:20Ah!

00:31:22What was that?

00:31:23Perhaps it was the wind.

00:31:24Ah!

00:31:26Help!

00:31:27Well, that wasn't the wind, anyway.

00:31:29No.

00:31:30There's someone at the door.

00:31:31Help!

00:31:32Help!

00:31:33Well, go on, let her in.

00:31:35You do it.

00:31:36You're in charge.

00:31:37Harvard, open that door.

00:31:38Of me?

00:31:39Early closing.

00:31:40Shopping.

00:31:41Hey, you can't be shopping in an emergency like this.

00:31:44She's stopped.

00:31:45Perhaps she's gone home.

00:31:46Don't be ridiculous.

00:31:47She wouldn't shut up her mouth like that and then go home.

00:31:49Maybe she's come to the wrong house.

00:31:50Well, open the door and have a look.

00:31:52Hey, why me?

00:31:53Come on.

00:31:54Come on.

00:32:02Oh!

00:32:03Oh!

00:32:04Oh!

00:32:05Oh, dear!

00:32:06Help!

00:32:07Help!

00:32:08Help!

00:32:09Police!

00:32:10Police!

00:32:11Shut up, you old idiot.

00:32:12We are the police.

00:32:13Blimey!

00:32:14It's Emily.

00:32:15I better feel her heart.

00:32:16Here, knock it.

00:32:17She's my bird.

00:32:18Jerry, fetch me some water.

00:32:19Well, she's not afraid, is she?

00:32:21She's coming round.

00:32:24Oh, Albert!

00:32:25Albert!

00:32:26I've seen it!

00:32:27I've seen it!

00:32:28Hey, what have you been showing this poor girl?

00:32:30I don't know what she's talking about.

00:32:31She was all right when she left me.

00:32:33Here she comes again.

00:32:35Oh, it was horrible.

00:32:36It's all right.

00:32:37It's all right.

00:32:38Come on.

00:32:39Get the chair.

00:32:40Get the chair.

00:32:41That's all right now.

00:32:42You're in good hands now.

00:32:43Come on.

00:32:44That's right.

00:32:45Sit down.

00:32:46There.

00:32:47That's right.

00:32:48Now, would you care to make a statement?

00:32:49Just exactly what happened?

00:32:51I see.

00:32:52Been to pictures with Constable Brown in bus.

00:32:56Then I went home.

00:32:57And all of a sudden, I remembered a letter I had to post.

00:32:59So I got on my bicycle to go to the pillbox.

00:33:02And just as I got to the five crossways...

00:33:04Were you assaulted?

00:33:05No.

00:33:06What a pity.

00:33:07We could have taken the steps.

00:33:09Well, I just got to the five crossways

00:33:11when all of a sudden, galloping towards me,

00:33:13there was a nurse with no head.

00:33:15A what?

00:33:16A driver had no head.

00:33:17Oh, Ed.

00:33:18There was a nurse with an headless horseman.

00:33:20There, there.

00:33:21Come here.

00:33:22She been going out with you two?

00:33:23No, no.

00:33:24Well, how's it she's got the same story that you've got?

00:33:26I don't know.

00:33:27It's true, I tell you.

00:33:28I saw it.

00:33:29Poor kid.

00:33:30Feeling better?

00:33:31Yes, I'm OK now.

00:33:32I'd better get the police car out and take her home.

00:33:33Well, leave us here by ourselves.

00:33:35Not likely.

00:33:36We'll all take her home.

00:33:37Frightened?

00:33:38Certainly not.

00:33:39I'm sick of the young lady's reputation.

00:33:40Come on, my dear.

00:33:48Hello, me.

00:33:49Okey-doke, Sergeant.

00:33:50Thanks for the buggy ride.

00:33:51Good night.

00:33:52Good night.

00:33:53Good night, Toots.

00:33:54Good night, honey.

00:33:55Good night.

00:33:56Good night.

00:33:57Good night.

00:33:58Come on, Toots.

00:33:59Turn around and step on it.

00:34:00Wait a minute.

00:34:01The water rally's not here.

00:34:02What?

00:34:03It's all sealed.

00:34:04Good night, honey.

00:34:05Good night.

00:34:06It must be about one o'clock.

00:34:11I haven't been out so late since my daddy got married.

00:34:25Eh?

00:34:26Yes, his fourth wife.

00:34:27Oh, I see.

00:34:28Here.

00:34:29I hope we don't meet that phantom herse.

00:34:30That's a lot of poppycock.

00:34:33Whoever heard of a headless driver?

00:34:35Wouldn't be able to pass his tests.

00:34:37Still, Emily must mean something that scared her.

00:34:39Ah, maybe she saw her bottle through the window.

00:34:41You can't believe all an hysterical girl can.

00:34:46What's the matter? What did you pull off for?

00:34:52The Phantom Hearse!

00:34:53Phantom Hearse. It's a horse and cow with his tail out on fire.

00:34:57It's the Phantom Hearse, I tell you. Those are the Phantom Flames.

00:34:59Look at the driver's head!

00:35:01What's the matter with his head?

00:35:02Well, don't talk to us inside. We're the only goodie tucked in.

00:35:04What are you worried about? It's not coming this way.

00:35:06That's just what it is, do it!

00:35:11Hey, hey, put your light out!

00:35:12Give me all the glass birds. Let it go by.

00:35:14But where's the bloody glass birds?

00:35:17Oh, he's gonna get us like that!

00:35:18Go on, let him in the Hearse. He's gotta be gloomy.

00:35:20Put it in reverse.

00:35:33What's happened to him again? Swim in quick, come on!

00:35:38Oh, just made it.

00:35:39I sure thought you should have kept your eyes on the road instead of talking so much.

00:35:43Yes, well, anyway, we needn't go any further.

00:35:46We give the flaming hearse to slip.

00:35:57Hey, listen, listen.

00:35:59What's the matter?

00:36:00Oops!

00:36:01Oops?

00:36:02Blimey! It's followed us in here!

00:36:14See where it went?

00:36:15No! Where did it go?

00:36:16Well, it went in the garage. If you'd kept your eyes open, you'd see where it went.

00:36:19It's no more the ghost than he is.

00:36:20Can we say it's just gone through the doors?

00:36:22No, no, the doors opened and let it in.

00:36:24Oh, no, I hope it didn't.

00:36:25Well, how do I know?

00:36:26Perhaps they're ghost doors.

00:36:27Ghost doors. I'll show you whether they're ghosts or not.

00:36:29Come on, Oxygen, come on.

00:36:42Come on, open up in the name of the law.

00:36:46Come on, it'll be all the worse for you if you don't.

00:36:49What are you standing there for? What don't they be afraid of?

00:36:51Look, I'll tell you what we'll do.

00:36:52You put on the one door, and I'll put on the other.

00:36:55Well, that's funny. Where's he gone to?

00:36:57Well, he's gone right through and out the other side.

00:37:00Gone through the other side. Don't be ridiculous.

00:37:03Why, this is a solid wall.

00:37:05Hey, do you know where we are?

00:37:06No.

00:37:07This is the Squire's garage.

00:37:08Is it?

00:37:09Come here, let's knock him up and tell him.

00:37:10Tell him what?

00:37:11We're in his garage.

00:37:12Yeah, well, that's a bright idea, isn't it?

00:37:14Well, let's examine these walls properly.

00:37:16Let's go.

00:37:17Let's go.

00:37:18Let's go.

00:37:19Let's go.

00:37:20Let's go.

00:37:21Let's go.

00:37:22Let's go.

00:37:23Let's examine these walls properly.

00:37:34Here, here.

00:37:35I want to tell you something.

00:37:36Here.

00:37:37What's the matter?

00:37:38I want to tell you something.

00:37:39Yes?

00:37:40There's only three of us, and there's four shadows on the wall.

00:37:42Oh, yes.

00:37:44One, two, three, four.

00:37:46Oh, you're right, Kelly.

00:37:47Yes.

00:37:48You're right.

00:37:49There's one over.

00:37:50I'll tell you something else.

00:37:51What?

00:37:52Cut to it.

00:37:53Oh!

00:37:54Oh!

00:37:57Oh!

00:37:58Oh!

00:37:59Oh! Oh!

00:38:01Oh, Robbie!

00:38:02Oh! Oh!

00:38:23Do you believe me now? You've seen the idiot off the ground now, ain't you?

00:38:26Don't be silly. It's a lot of nonsense.

00:38:27I expect there's a scientific explanation for the door.

00:38:29Answer that phone!

00:38:30Not me. It might be the headless horseman.

00:38:32If he hasn't got a head, how can he talk into a phone?

00:38:34Albert, you answer it.

00:38:37Hello?

00:38:39It's the Chief Constable.

00:38:40Good heavens.

00:38:49Good evening, sir.

00:38:50I've been trying to get you for half an hour.

00:38:52Where have you been?

00:38:53Well, as a matter of fact, we've been out on a job.

00:38:56He says, what sort of a job?

00:38:57Tell him about the headless horseman.

00:38:59You think I should?

00:39:00Of course. We've all seen it.

00:39:01Oh. Er, you remember that story that Constable Harbottle told you about the ghost that made his teeth drop out?

00:39:09Yes.

00:39:11Yes.

00:39:13Yes.

00:39:15It's all your fault, that is.

00:39:17Er, yes, I'm listening, Chief. I'm listening.

00:39:19Then stop giving me all this preposterous bilge about ghosts.

00:39:22Do you realise there's smuggling going on in your district?

00:39:24Smuggling?

00:39:25Oh, yes, we know all about that.

00:39:27Our witness must have been talking.

00:39:28Oh, we've got all the evidence. A whole kegful.

00:39:30Kegful? We've just been informed that whole boatloads have been smuggled in.

00:39:34Boatloads?

00:39:35Well, there must be real smugglers then.

00:39:37I mean others.

00:39:38Now listen.

00:39:39One of His Majesty's revenue cutters in Mid Channel has observed a light in the neighbourhood of Turn Bottom Round.

00:39:44Yes.

00:39:45They believe this light's being used as a steering light for smugglers.

00:39:48Oh.

00:39:50Oh, dear.

00:39:51Albert, take this down.

00:39:53From the east side of Drake's Seat, to a point due north,

00:39:57from Shoe Hill off Turn Bottom Round,

00:40:00by north-east, west, by north.

00:40:02Aye, aye, chap.

00:40:04Have you got all that?

00:40:05How do you spell aye, aye?

00:40:06Listen, Albert, you get the ordnance man.

00:40:07This is our big chance.

00:40:08If only we can stop that light and make an arrest, then he can't sack us.

00:40:11You get the compass.

00:40:12There's no telling where this will lead to.

00:40:14Might get us a promotion.

00:40:15Here's the compass.

00:40:16Ten minutes past.

00:40:17Well, that's all right. It doesn't matter.

00:40:18What do you mean it's ten minutes past?

00:40:19How can we find where we are with a thing like that?

00:40:21It's easy.

00:40:22You point the north to the north-west, and the north-east gives you south.

00:40:24Yeah, that's right.

00:40:25But suppose we want to go north?

00:40:26Give me those bearings. I'll find it.

00:40:28All right. Go on, then.

00:40:29Oh, look. There's the channel.

00:40:31There's North Rock, isn't it there?

00:40:32Yeah, there's the knock.

00:40:33Now, if we bring a line from there...

00:40:35Evening, all.

00:40:37Oh, evening.

00:40:38Can I take my lamp down now, Sergeant?

00:40:40Down? Why, is Jo's grandmother...

00:40:43Here.

00:40:44Oh.

00:40:46She's much better now.

00:40:48Well, I'm glad about that anyway.

00:40:50Well, you can find your own way up, can't you?

00:40:52We're very busy just now.

00:40:53All right. I'll get them, Sergeant.

00:40:56Who's that?

00:40:57Coast Guard.

00:40:58I've never seen him round here before.

00:40:59What's he want?

00:41:00Well, when you were out courting,

00:41:01he came round here and told us that the...

00:41:04Oh, you mind your own business.

00:41:05Go on, get on with your bearings.

00:41:06You found that light yet?

00:41:07Well, give us a chance.

00:41:08Haven't we just found Drake Sea?

00:41:09Oh, here we are.

00:41:11North by Point East.

00:41:13That brings us here.

00:41:15North-east by Shoe Rock.

00:41:16That brings us here.

00:41:17Yes, well, what does it say where the lines intersect?

00:41:19Hmm.

00:41:20It says the police station.

00:41:22Police station?

00:41:24Ha! Well, that's ridiculous, isn't it?

00:41:26I mean, there's no lamp hanging...

00:41:30Oh.

00:41:31There.

00:41:32Didn't that bloke say something about fetching down a lamp?

00:41:34That's right.

00:41:35Yes.

00:41:36Ah, but still, that's something at all to do with it.

00:41:38That's for the fellow on the lighthouse.

00:41:40His grandmother's ill, you see.

00:41:41And as long as he can see that light,

00:41:42then he knows his grandmother hasn't started to burn.

00:41:44I mean, his grandmother hasn't put a...

00:41:45Well, it's a signal for his grandmother anyway.

00:41:47Well, it sounds fishy to me.

00:41:48I'll tell you about it.

00:41:49Now, don't you start.

00:41:50Whose grandmother is she?

00:41:51It's his brother Joe's grandmother.

00:41:52Well, who's Joe?

00:41:53Joe's the fellow on the lighthouse.

00:41:54I want to tell you something.

00:41:55You won't tell us anything.

00:41:56Listen, it's easy enough to check up.

00:41:57All we've got to do is to find out

00:41:58whether his brother Joe really keeps the lighthouse.

00:42:00Well, I don't want to tell you

00:42:01what I was going to tell you, Nancy.

00:42:02Oh, all right, peevish.

00:42:03Come on, what is it?

00:42:04Well, I've lived here 60 years,

00:42:05and I've never seen a lighthouse.

00:42:07No, neither have I.

00:42:08You haven't?

00:42:09Well, why didn't you tell me that

00:42:10when we let him put the light up

00:42:12instead of crying your eyes out?

00:42:13I was sorry for his poor old granny.

00:42:15Sorry for his granny?

00:42:16If he hasn't got a lighthouse,

00:42:17how can he have a granny?

00:42:18Well, I've got a granny,

00:42:19but I've never had a lighthouse.

00:42:22Oh, what shall we do?

00:42:24It's all right.

00:42:25Leave it to me.

00:42:26I'll deal with him.

00:42:30Good night, all.

00:42:32Good night.

00:42:35Here, I thought you were going to deal with him.

00:42:37What do you expect me to do, arrest him?

00:42:39Of course.

00:42:40Let everybody know that the light

00:42:41was on top of our police station.

00:42:42That's a bright idea.

00:42:43Well, what are we going to do?

00:42:44Well, now we know how it's worked,

00:42:45we can plant the light on someone else.

00:42:47Look, look here.

00:42:49Bring that line down here, you see,

00:42:50so that it puts the light on top of the pub.

00:42:54Whoa!

00:42:57It's a pebble.

00:42:58I wonder what they want to wrap it up for.

00:43:00Give me that.

00:43:01There may be a message on it.

00:43:04Well, I like that.

00:43:05Fred Jackson Draper, turn bottom round.

00:43:07Let me Jackson advertising again.

00:43:09Well, that window's going to cost him

00:43:10one of sixpence anyway.

00:43:11Here, wait a minute.

00:43:12There's something on the other side.

00:43:13What?

00:43:14Keep your nose out of things that don't concern you.

00:43:18Dead men tell no tales.

00:43:20You have been warned.

00:43:22What's that?

00:43:23Have you heard anything that don't concern you?

00:43:24Dead men tell...

00:43:26Well, what does that mean?

00:43:28It couldn't be much plainer, could it?

00:43:29Yeah.

00:43:30Well, that's nonsense.

00:43:31They can't threaten us.

00:43:32We're the police.

00:43:33So what could they do?

00:43:34Supposing that pebble had been a bomb, eh?

00:43:37Don't talk nonsense.

00:43:38This is England.

00:43:39They don't throw bombs here.

00:43:41Shh.

00:43:42What is it?

00:43:43Can you hear a ticking sound?

00:43:45No.

00:43:46I can.

00:43:48It's the clock.

00:43:49What's the matter with you?

00:43:50Well, it can't be the clock.

00:43:51It's got no works.

00:43:53Well, what is it?

00:43:54The bombs.

00:43:58I can only hear it faintly now.

00:44:00Sounds really near to me.

00:44:03Oh, I think it's in here.

00:44:05I can hear it now.

00:44:06It's somewhere about here.

00:44:07It's...

00:44:10It's on you.

00:44:11I can't hear anything.

00:44:14Help! Help!

00:44:16Hey!

00:44:17What are you hiding for?

00:44:18You can't do nothing.

00:44:19Leave the fire out.

00:44:20What for?

00:44:21What for?

00:44:22Do as you're told.

00:44:23I want to deal with bombs.

00:44:24That is the ARP.

00:44:25Come on.

00:44:26Here you go.

00:44:27Oh.

00:44:28Oh.

00:44:30Oh.

00:44:35There you are.

00:44:36That was a gallant deed.

00:44:37And you saw me do it.

00:44:39There.

00:44:47Hey, watches.

00:44:48Where did you get these?

00:44:49Oh, I picked that parcel up in the garage.

00:44:51Oh.

00:44:52Swiss watches.

00:44:53Here, they say there'd be a duty on these.

00:44:55Supposing they were smuggled as well?

00:44:57What, you mean the hearse isn't a ghost after all?

00:44:59I'll tell you something else.

00:45:00Hey, don't you start.

00:45:01I'm going to find out where that hearse has gone.

00:45:03There's far too much disappearing around here.

00:45:05First the keg, then the hearse.

00:45:06If it only wants him to disappear, we'd all be happy.

00:45:08Yes, but I wonder...

00:45:09Ah, shut up.

00:45:10Oh, I didn't want to hear about the lighthouse, did you?

00:45:12Why, I'll keep my secret to myself.

00:45:14Well, I don't suppose we've missed anything.

00:45:16It's about the hearse.

00:45:17Legend says it has something to do with smuggling.

00:45:20Eh?

00:45:21What's that?

00:45:22Tells you how it was done and where they came from.

00:45:24Well, what is the legend?

00:45:25Won't tell you.

00:45:26Oh, come on, cough it up.

00:45:29It's in rhyme.

00:45:30All right.

00:45:31When the tide runs low in the devil's cove,

00:45:33And the headless horseman is seen above,

00:45:35He drives along with his wild aloe,

00:45:37Lickety-spit, lickety-spit.

00:45:40Lickety-spit, lickety-spit.

00:45:42Oh, yeah, I put that bit in because I forgot the last line.

00:45:44Well, try and remember it.

00:45:45Very likely it contains the clue to the whole thing.

00:45:47Oh, it's no good.

00:45:48That's why I put the spit in.

00:45:49Oh.

00:45:50Here.

00:45:51Would it be, as he drives along with the wild aloe,

00:45:53And into the garage the whole lot go?

00:45:55Into the garage.

00:45:56You might as well say,

00:45:57They go in the garage because they couldn't stop

00:45:59Flippity-flop, flippity-flop.

00:46:01No, that's not it.

00:46:03Listen, anybody knows this last line?

00:46:05Yes, there's one man.

00:46:06Who?

00:46:07My father.

00:46:08Who?

00:46:09My father.

00:46:10Your father?

00:46:11Yes.

00:46:12Hey, he's not the fellow that drives the hearse, is he?

00:46:13No.

00:46:14Well, how good would your father be to us anyway?

00:46:15Well, we can get in communication with him.

00:46:16What do you mean, by wrapping on a table?

00:46:17No, wrapping on his door.

00:46:19You don't mean to tell me you've got a father living?

00:46:21Yes.

00:46:22Well, what do they hold the old fellow together with?

00:46:23Wire?

00:46:24Yes, I suppose.

00:46:25Up along Turn Bottom West.

00:46:26Come on, I'll take you there.

00:46:27Come on, we're going to meet Adam.

00:46:41Who is it?

00:46:43Tell me, me, Daddy.

00:46:44Well, don't stand over there.

00:46:46Come over here, where I can see you.

00:46:55Oh, it's you, is it?

00:46:56What are you doing here?

00:46:57School broken up?

00:46:58Here.

00:46:59Who are you?

00:47:00I'm Sergeant Dudford of the local police.

00:47:02Oh, copper, eh?

00:47:03Well, what's the young rascal been up to this time?

00:47:05Breaking windows again?

00:47:07Breaking windows?

00:47:08What, at his age?

00:47:09Takes him all his time to break the bread to put in his milk.

00:47:11Well, what do you want to wake me up at this time of the night for?

00:47:14Eh?

00:47:15Well, it's like this, Dad.

00:47:16Oh, you shut up.

00:47:17I'll tell him.

00:47:18You see, it's like this, Dad.

00:47:19We want your advice.

00:47:20Yes, we want to know the last of it.

00:47:22Oh, I know lots of old rhymes.

00:47:26Yes, I'll bet you do.

00:47:28But it's not one of those.

00:47:29Now listen.

00:47:30When the tide runs low in the smuggler's cove

00:47:32and the headless horseman's seen above

00:47:34as he drives along with a wild hello

00:47:37something, something, something, oh.

00:47:39Now, do you remember it?

00:47:40Yes, I remember it.

00:47:41When the tide runs low in the smuggler's cove

00:47:44and the headless horseman is seen above

00:47:46he's driving along with his wild hello

00:47:49Yes?

00:47:52What's the last line?

00:47:53Why, you silly old...

00:47:55You old gentleman, that's what we come to you for.

00:47:57Oh, come on, Daddy.

00:47:58Try and think.

00:47:59Don't tell him me.

00:48:00Don't tell him me.

00:48:01I've got it on the tip of my tongue.

00:48:02Well, all right.

00:48:03Stick your tongue out.

00:48:04Let's have a look at it.

00:48:05Something, something, something, oh.

00:48:07He drives along with his wild hello.

00:48:10Yeah, yeah, we've had all that.

00:48:11What we want is the something, something, something, oh.

00:48:14Oh.

00:48:15Oh.

00:48:16Oh.

00:48:17Oh.

00:48:18Listen.

00:48:19Take your mind back.

00:48:20Forget all about what happened lately.

00:48:22Don't worry about Balaclava.

00:48:23Listen.

00:48:24As he drives along with a wild hello.

00:48:27I've got it.

00:48:28I've got it.

00:48:29I've got it.

00:48:30Now, as the tide runs low in the smuggler's cove

00:48:33and the headless horseman is seen above

00:48:35he drives along with his wild hello.

00:48:38That's the time when the smugglers go out

00:48:40in their little boats to the schooner

00:48:42and bring back the kegs of brandy and rum

00:48:44and put them in the devil's mouth.

00:48:46That's the time when the smugglers go out

00:48:48in their little boats to the schooner

00:48:50and bring back the kegs of brandy and rum

00:48:52and put them in the devil's cave below.

00:48:54See?

00:48:55See what?

00:48:56That's the last line.

00:48:58It doesn't even rhyme.

00:49:00Oh, yes, it does.

00:49:02Now, listen.

00:49:03As he drives along with his wild hello.

00:49:06That's the time when the smugglers go out

00:49:08in their little boats to the schooner

00:49:10and bring back the kegs of brandy and rum

00:49:12and put them in the devil's cave below.

00:49:14I'm not surprised.

00:49:16Yes, it's made me feel quite hoarse.

00:49:18I think I'll have a go. Have one?

00:49:20Yes, made me hoarse listening to you.

00:49:22I'll have a black currant.

00:49:24Black currant.

00:49:25Why, what's the matter?

00:49:26They're very nice. Don't you like them?

00:49:27No, I always put them back.

00:49:30Devil's cave below?

00:49:33Below what?

00:49:34Below the cliff.

00:49:35Cave below the cliff?

00:49:36I've never seen any cave.

00:49:37Ah, that high water it's coming up.

00:49:39You never look when the tide's out.

00:49:41I've been there hundreds of times.

00:49:43What for?

00:49:44Smuggling.

00:49:45What?

00:49:46Well, you come of a nice family, don't you?

00:49:48Well, come on, the tide's low now.

00:49:50If we hurry, we might catch the smugglers red-handed.

00:49:52Oh, no, you won't.

00:49:53They'd never find the channel.

00:49:55Oh, why not?

00:49:56Because the light they used to steer by

00:49:57doesn't hang there anymore.

00:49:59Ah, that's what you think.

00:50:01Well, kiss your daddy goodnight and we'll go.

00:50:02Here, don't go anywhere.

00:50:03Stop and have a cup of tea.

00:50:05Ma, Ma!

00:50:07Ma?

00:50:08Hey, nobody tell me you've got a mother.

00:50:09Has he?

00:50:10No, that's his wife.

00:50:11He married again at 96.

00:50:12Oh, I see.

00:50:13Calf love, eh?

00:50:14Yes, well, go on.

00:50:15We haven't any time for tea.

00:50:16Aren't you going to see the old lady?

00:50:18Ha, not likely.

00:50:19I'll stand for Adam, but I'm bloody well stand for Eve.

00:50:23Goodnight, Daddy.

00:50:27Come on.

00:50:28Hurry up.

00:50:29Get them in.

00:50:30The tide will be in in half an hour.

00:50:43Well, here's a cove, but where's the cave?

00:50:47Oh, there it is.

00:50:49Oh.

00:50:52Look.

00:50:55Ah, well, I wonder why we've never seen this place before.

00:50:57First time I've been this far.

00:50:59Well, that's a nice admission to make.

00:51:00This is part of your beat.

00:51:04Oops.

00:51:08Now, go on, get your boots off.

00:51:10What, go paddling in November?

00:51:11Oh, not me.

00:51:12Hey, do you realize this is your superior officer talking?

00:51:14Yeah, talking a lot of fields.

00:51:16Well, listen, you can go in with your boots on or your boots off,

00:51:18but you're going in anyway.

00:51:19Heartless.

00:51:20That's what you are.

00:51:21We're going to catch our death of cold.

00:51:22It's full of it.

00:51:23That's what it is.

00:51:24It's full of it.

00:51:25Hey, look here.

00:51:26Look here.

00:51:27What's this?

00:51:31It's rum.

00:51:33Here, sir.

00:51:35It's rum.

00:51:36Here, sir.

00:51:37Drop us some more over there.

00:51:38We're on the right track.

00:51:39Yes, well, get that out of the water and put it up there.

00:51:41That's another little bit of evidence for you.

00:51:47Hey, I thought you said there was no lighthouse about here.

00:51:49That's not a lighthouse.

00:51:50It's a revenue cutter.

00:51:52Are you sure they're policemen?

00:51:53Well, they've got police uniforms on and they're running a cargo all right.

00:51:56If that isn't a keg of liquor they're carrying, I'll eat my hat.

00:51:59Wait a minute.

00:52:00Give me those glasses.

00:52:02Well, what do they want?

00:52:03Probably looking for the smugglers.

00:52:04Oh, are they?

00:52:05Interfering.

00:52:06I see.

00:52:07Well, there are smugglers, but we're going to get them first.

00:52:09Oh, follow me.

00:52:19Hey, do you realize that police station's on the highest point around here?

00:52:22I'll bet that's where that light was.

00:52:24Tell Jones the radio dorm is to police immediately.

00:52:26Right.

00:52:27Johnson.

00:52:28Sir.

00:52:29Lower the starboard boat.

00:52:30Yes, sir.

00:52:31I say, don't you think we'd better turn back now?

00:52:33It's getting a bit deep here, you know.

00:52:35Deep?

00:52:36What do you mean, deep?

00:52:37Your feet are still touching the bottom, aren't they?

00:52:38It's all right for you.

00:52:39You're taller than me.

00:52:40Well, hang on to our spaces.

00:52:41Stop moaning.

00:52:42You'd better keep your chins up here.

00:52:44It dips a bit.

00:52:47A bit cold.

00:52:57Well, our bottle's stopped moaning.

00:52:58How is he?

00:52:59Oh, he's all right.

00:53:00He's been on to my weight.

00:53:01Oh, good.

00:53:02That's it.

00:53:03Hey, he's underwater.

00:53:04Get him up out of there.

00:53:05Hey, what are you doing down there, you chump?

00:53:07Oh.

00:53:08Oh, that's probably bad.

00:53:09Five gallons of water.

00:53:10Oh, it's a pity you didn't swallow some more.

00:53:12You'd have made it shallower.

00:53:13Well, climb on his shoulders.

00:53:14Go on.

00:53:15Shoulder?

00:53:16Yes, that's right.

00:53:17Don't push me under.

00:53:18Up you go.

00:53:19Now, you carry.

00:53:20What's the matter?

00:53:21What's the matter?

00:53:22Shrimp.

00:53:23Shrimp?

00:53:24Well, you carry this lamp.

00:53:25That'll give you something to do.

00:53:26All right.

00:53:27All right.

00:53:28Now, follow me.

00:53:29It's patrol boat D6.

00:53:30They're reporting smuggling in Devil's Cave.

00:53:32Well, why don't they get in touch with the local police station?

00:53:34Sounds incredible, sir.

00:53:36They think the local police are working in with the smugglers.

00:53:38What?

00:53:39That's ridiculous.

00:53:41Where is Devil's Cave?

00:53:42The low town bottom round, sir.

00:53:43The town bottom round?

00:53:44Why, that's...

00:53:45I might have known.

00:53:46Call out the squad car.

00:53:47Yes, sir.

00:53:48Tell them we'll have some men down there right away.

00:53:50Oh.

00:53:51Oh.

00:53:52Oh, come on, hurry up.

00:53:53How can I hurry up with the old man in the sea on me back?

00:53:56Here, here, let's go over.

00:53:57We'll go there to swim, boys.

00:53:58No, you won't have to swim, boys.

00:53:59It won't get any deeper than this.

00:54:01Oh, no.

00:54:02Oh.

00:54:03Oh.

00:54:04There you are.

00:54:05How dare you let me swim.

00:54:06I didn't swim, I sunk.

00:54:07Oh, look, the landing stage.

00:54:08Oh, yes.

00:54:09Well, they've been doing a bit of landing there too, haven't they?

00:54:11Oh, yes.

00:54:12Oh, look, there's a tunnel here.

00:54:18Now we shall find out where they are.

00:54:20Well, there's another tunnel there.

00:54:22They might have gone either way.

00:54:24I want to watch in all these.

00:54:28Oh, Bernie, a club.

00:54:30Yes.

00:54:31Oh, look, there's a lot more.

00:54:33Perhaps somebody's going to open a club down here.

00:54:35And who are they going to sell the stuff to?

00:54:37Mermaids?

00:54:38Well, look, there's a tunnel here and there's a tunnel there.

00:54:40We'd better toss up, see which one we'll take.

00:54:42Now, Hedge, we go this way.

00:54:43And tails, we go out.

00:54:44Yes, we don't go home until we've found the smugglers.

00:54:46Come on, give me a penny.

00:54:47I haven't got one.

00:54:48Penny, Albert.

00:54:49In the money box.

00:54:50Well, we can't toss up, can we?

00:54:51Hey.

00:54:52Cigarette.

00:54:53Still burning too.

00:54:54Oh, circus.

00:54:55Hey, hey, don't smoke it.

00:54:56That's a clue.

00:54:57Well, this proves they've gone this way, doesn't it?

00:54:59Yeah.

00:55:00All right, come on off.

00:55:01All right.

00:55:02All right.

00:55:08Boys, boys, boys, boys.

00:55:10Come on, put some beef in it.

00:55:15Oh.

00:55:16Well, we gazed somewhere anyway.

00:55:17Oh, I thought those stats would never end.

00:55:19Yeah.

00:55:20Oh, I sure did.

00:55:21Hey, look at all these barrels here.

00:55:23Oh, yes.

00:55:24Looks as if we struck a beer mine.

00:55:25Have you ever heard of a beer mine?

00:55:27I don't know.

00:55:28You say mine's a beer.

00:55:29Yeah, yours would be a thick ear if you don't shut up.

00:55:31Here, there's a box of candles.

00:55:33Well, that's a funny thing to smuggle.

00:55:35There's no duty on candles.

00:55:36Ah, perhaps they come from abroad.

00:55:38They may be Roman candles.

00:55:39Well, I wonder what's in that crate.

00:55:40Oh, soap.

00:55:41Soap?

00:55:42How do you know?

00:55:43Why, because mine comes in a case like this.

00:55:44Tear soap.

00:55:45Ah, but very likely the soap's only camouflage.

00:55:47No, it isn't.

00:55:48It's cast iron.

00:55:49Oh, look, there's a label on the side.

00:55:50Yes, show a light.

00:55:53Hey, it's got your name on it.

00:55:54Has it?

00:55:55Yes.

00:55:56Now, what's it doing down here?

00:55:57Ah, that's what I'd like to know.

00:55:58So would I.

00:55:59Oh, look.

00:56:00Here.

00:56:01This is the box I keep my tapioca in.

00:56:03Somebody must have raided our cellar.

00:56:05Yeah, it looks like it, doesn't it?

00:56:06What?

00:56:07Raided our cellar?

00:56:08Can't you see where we are?

00:56:10Huh?

00:56:11We're in our cellar.

00:56:12Oh.

00:56:13Oh.

00:56:14So we are.

00:56:15Oh, there's impudence.

00:56:16I'll write that story down.

00:56:18Well, they're not going to get away with that.

00:56:19I'll show them.

00:56:20No, they can't.

00:56:21It's all part of this.

00:56:22What?

00:56:23We'll ash it up, fill the stuff, and teach them a lesson.

00:56:24That's what.

00:56:25Get 10 years.

00:56:26Oh, no fear.

00:56:27We're going to phone the chief constable.

00:56:28All right.

00:56:41Hello.

00:56:42Hello.

00:56:43Give me door, Mr. 666.

00:56:44Chief constable.

00:56:45Yes, sir.

00:56:46This is urgent.

00:56:47I want to see what evidence we got.

00:56:48We've got all that stuff in the cellar.

00:56:49These three watches.

00:56:50And the Turkish bag end.

00:56:51Oh, the Turkish bag end.

00:56:52Yes, I forgot that.

00:56:53Yes.

00:56:54Yes, well, not many people around here

00:56:55smoke that kind of cigarette.

00:56:56This ought to be easy to trace.

00:56:57Yeah.

00:57:00Cigarette?

00:57:01Oh, the squire.

00:57:02Oh, you gave me quite a shock.

00:57:04Oh, I say, that's funny.

00:57:05You smoke the same kind of cigarettes as our clue does.

00:57:07So it seems.

00:57:08Yes.

00:57:09Well, that's very lucky.

00:57:10You may be able to help us.

00:57:11You think I might?

00:57:12Yes.

00:57:13I say, this is going to come as a shocker.

00:57:15This is going to come as a shock to you,

00:57:16but there's smuggling going on around here.

00:57:19I know.

00:57:20What, you mean you know who it is?

00:57:21Yes.

00:57:22It's me.

00:57:24You?

00:57:25You're joking.

00:57:26No, no, I'm not.

00:57:27And I'd advise you once again to keep your nose out of it.

00:57:29It'll be healthier for you.

00:57:32Healthier?

00:57:33Oh.

00:57:34Well, you mean that all this is?

00:57:36Oh, dear.

00:57:37What an itch.

00:57:38Hello?

00:57:39That's the chief constable.

00:57:40I wouldn't answer if I were you.

00:57:41But don't forget that the contraband is

00:57:43stored in your own cellar and that the light was hung

00:57:45on top of your own police station.

00:57:48Oh.

00:57:49I see his point.

00:57:50Yes.

00:57:51Well, I don't.

00:57:52It's against the law, and I put my hands to the plow.

00:57:54And what?

00:57:55Oh, well, I've taken them off again.

00:57:57Here.

00:57:58That's our evidence.

00:57:59Shut up.

00:58:00Hello.

00:58:01Yes, Danny?

00:58:03Chief, the lorry's waiting in the five o'clock office.

00:58:05Right.

00:58:06Then go and tell them we start loading in one.

00:58:11How much?

00:58:12How much is it?

00:58:13Get the handcuffs out.

00:58:14Grab them, boys.

00:58:15Let me make it work for you.

00:58:17Here, I've got one.

00:58:18I've got another.

00:58:19I've got two.

00:58:20I've got it.

00:58:22Hey.

00:58:23Why, say, what's the idea of this?

00:58:25Who did this?

00:58:26All right, get a move on.

00:58:28Well, goodbye, Dadford.

00:58:29I don't suppose we'll see each other for some time.

00:58:31Right.

00:58:32Get in.

00:58:33Come on, hurry up.

00:58:34Sam, George, we've got a lot to do.

00:58:35I'll get through with this.

00:58:36You stay right there.

00:58:37You, Jack.

00:58:38You can't get away with this.

00:58:39I'll get you 10 years each of you.

00:58:41I know you all by sight.

00:58:42Yes.

00:58:43And you mark my words.

00:58:44You won't be long before I'm looking at you all through bars.

00:58:46Yes.

00:58:47Hurry up, boys.

00:58:49Chief.

00:58:50Chief.

00:58:51Yes, what is it, Harry?

00:58:52The reverend, you men are onto us.

00:58:53They're ready for the cave.

00:58:55Quick, boys, take all you can.

00:58:56We'll have to leave the rest.

00:58:58Come on, boys.

00:58:59Why don't you lick that guillotine?

00:59:00Stop it.

00:59:01Stop it.

00:59:02Wait a minute.

00:59:03What do you want them to take the key for?

00:59:04I couldn't help it.

00:59:05They were kneeling on my stomach.

00:59:06Well, do you realize what this means?

00:59:07We've got to go about all the time now, fast together.

00:59:15Look at that lot.

00:59:16They can't be far away.

00:59:17Sit on the fence.

00:59:18I'll get the key.

00:59:19I'll get the key.

00:59:20I'll get the key.

00:59:21I'll get the key.

00:59:22I'll get the key.

00:59:23I'll get the key.

00:59:24I'll get the key.

00:59:25I'll get the key.

00:59:26Boys, come on.

00:59:27Come on.

00:59:28sit down with the second boat party.

00:59:29Sit down with the second boat party.

00:59:55Have you any idea if I can get out of this place?

00:59:57Yes, take the bar out.

00:59:58Oh, I see. Would you like me to just bite through one or something?

01:00:01No, the one that's loose. You know, the one we used as a poker.

01:00:03Well, which is it?

01:00:04Here.

01:00:05Oh, is that it? Oh, that's fine.

01:00:06That's fine.

01:00:11I've got to get back.

01:00:12All right, all right. Go on.

01:00:15Wait, wait, wait. Wait for me. Wait for me.

01:00:17Go on.

01:00:18Ow.

01:00:19Ow.

01:00:20Ow.

01:00:21Ow.

01:00:22Ow.

01:00:23Ow.

01:00:24Oh, gosh.

01:00:25Now we're going after them, the five oaks coppers.

01:00:27Come on.

01:00:31Come on, clank it up.

01:00:32Come on.

01:00:33Clank it up.

01:00:34Come on.

01:00:38Oh, cooperate, can't you?

01:00:40How can I swing it unless you swing it too?

01:00:42Go on, go on, go on.

01:00:43Go on.

01:00:44That's it.

01:00:46What, she won't start unless you choke her?

01:00:48Well, how can we choke her when we're all here?

01:00:50Well, how a bottle can.

01:00:51All right, I will.

01:00:59Hey!

01:01:00Hey!

01:01:01What are you trying to do, choke the engine or choke me?

01:01:03Oh, don't go to sleep there. Get in the car.

01:01:06Go on.

01:01:12Move over.

01:01:13Here, here. Wait a minute.

01:01:14Wait for me.

01:01:15Wait for me.

01:01:16We're not going to go.

01:01:17Go on, get up there.

01:01:29Can't you run any faster?

01:01:30You're nearly pulling my arm off.

01:01:32I'm only touching the ground.

01:01:34Now I'm in.

01:01:35Well, when you do touch the ground, jump farther.

01:01:37I got one.

01:01:38I got one.

01:01:42Why don't you jump on the running board?

01:01:46Well, jump on the bracket.

01:02:03Just in time, sir.

01:02:04There's a tunnel leading from the sea right into the cellar here, sir.

01:02:06And it's packed with contraband.

01:02:07Find out if Dudford's on the premises.

01:02:08Yes, sir.

01:02:09Let's have a look at this.

01:02:10Yes, sir.

01:02:11Hey, pull up, pull up, pull up.

01:02:15There they are.

01:02:17Cool, look.

01:02:23Well, this looks like the last trip, sir.

01:02:29There's your headless horseman for you.

01:02:31Shall we fill in the hole, sir?

01:02:32No, don't bother.

01:02:33Tip the hearse from the quarry and scatter.

01:02:35Right, sir.

01:02:36I'll get in touch with you boys later from London.

01:02:49Hey, go on.

01:02:58The missing car is a black Morris, number FN8429.

01:03:03There are three wants men in it.

01:03:05Right.

01:03:06Goodbye.

01:03:07Goodbye, sir.

01:03:11Well, how are we going to get after him without any petrol?

01:03:12All right, keep the shirt on.

01:03:13We've got another can in the bank.

01:03:14Well, hop out and get it.

01:03:15Go on.

01:03:19Come on.

01:03:21Come on.

01:03:23Oh, wait a minute.

01:03:31What's that noise?

01:03:32It's the radio.

01:03:33I turned it on.

01:03:34We'll have a bit of music.

01:03:35Music?

01:03:36I mean, I think we've got enough on our minds

01:03:37without having to listen to that rubbish.

01:03:39Oh, steady on.

01:03:40Don't you make me spill it.

01:03:41Well, why don't you use a funnel?

01:03:43I haven't got a funnel.

01:03:44Well, use a bit of imagination.

01:03:45Here.

01:03:49Here, I'll use that.

01:03:50All right.

01:03:51That's it.

01:03:55Who said that?

01:03:56Hey, that's a police message.

01:03:57Keep watch for and stop black Morris tourer number FN8429.

01:04:05Oh, London Road.

01:04:06That's this road.

01:04:07Yeah.

01:04:08Hey, if we keep our eyes open,

01:04:09we might catch them as well, eh?

01:04:10Yes.

01:04:11I will repeat that.

01:04:12Car number FN8429.

01:04:16You get that number?

01:04:17Got it.

01:04:18We've had it all the time.

01:04:19Well.

01:04:21Oh.

01:04:22Well, I wonder what they want us for.

01:04:23Probably they've heard about old Joe's grandmother.

01:04:25The car is driven by three wanted police officers.

01:04:28Wait.

01:04:29Their arrest is essential.

01:04:30Oh, dear.

01:04:31I will repeat that.

01:04:32Oh, don't bother.

01:04:33We heard you the first time.

01:04:34Oh, dear.

01:04:35Get out of the way.

01:04:36We don't use this car because they know it, you see.

01:04:38So we shove it down the side road,

01:04:39then get a lift from somebody.

01:04:40Go on.

01:04:41What's the matter?

01:04:42Go on, off you go.

01:04:43Go on.

01:04:44Shut up.

01:04:51Hey, look.

01:04:52They're coming.

01:04:53Well, let's stop it.

01:04:54Keep an eye on it.

01:04:55Yeah.

01:04:56Come on, quick.

01:04:58What have you got in that tin?

01:05:00Only milk, sir.

01:05:02Milk?

01:05:03Oh, at this time of the morning?

01:05:05I was delivered at this time, sir.

01:05:07Oh, well, it looks highly suspicious to me.

01:05:10And to me.

01:05:11Me too.

01:05:12Yes.

01:05:13Where's your milk book?

01:05:14My what, sir?

01:05:15Your milk book.

01:05:16You know, the book you put your milk in.

01:05:18I haven't got one, sir.

01:05:19Oh.

01:05:20Yes, I've got a milk book.

01:05:21Well, you can't go around the country milking without a milk book.

01:05:24You go and get one immediately.

01:05:25Yes, sir.

01:05:26No, no, no.

01:05:27Leave your bicycle where it is.

01:05:28We'll look after that.

01:05:29Go on, off you go.

01:05:30And run all the way.

01:05:32A lorry ahead, sir.

01:05:33Shall we question the driver?

01:05:34No, we haven't time for that.

01:05:35Get in front of it.

01:05:36Right, sir.

01:05:37It looks like a plane, sir.

01:05:47I don't know, sir.

01:05:53The lorry ahead, sir. Shall we question the driver?

01:05:55No, we haven't time for that. Get in front of it.

01:05:57Right, sir.

01:06:07There they are! That's our lorry!

01:06:09Didn't you see the tail light?

01:06:12Open up the throttle! We'll never catch them at this speed!

01:06:14And take your beard out of the milk!

01:06:17Look out! It says stop! Put the brakes on!

01:06:19I've got them on!

01:06:20No, slow it up! Come on! Put your feet on the ground or something!

01:06:22Look out!

01:06:23Oh, dear!

01:06:29Oh, dear!

01:06:32Tell me what you've done!

01:06:33Well, it was your fault messing about with the handlebars!

01:06:35Hear, hear! What's the idea?

01:06:37Did you see the signal?

01:06:39This'll cost you something!

01:06:41I'll report you! I'll report you! See if I don't!

01:06:44I'll report you! See if I don't!

01:06:48Hey, look!

01:06:49Let's knock off this van.

01:06:51Sure, we can't go about knocking off people's property.

01:06:53Besides, there may be somebody in it.

01:06:55No, there ain't.

01:06:56Well, get in then! What are you arguing about? Come on!

01:07:07Hey! Hey! Hey!

01:07:09Hey, I thought you said there was nobody in this.

01:07:11Well, I didn't see anyone.

01:07:13Oh! Here's a bit of fun! We're on a coffee stall!

01:07:16A coffee stall? Oh, so it is!

01:07:18I'm going to climb round, see if I can find any pork pies!

01:07:20Hey, we've got to catch that lorry! Don't try to worry about pork pies!

01:07:25There's our lorry!

01:07:28Hey, there's a van tailing us, and it's got three coppers in it.

01:07:32Behind me. It's Dunford.

01:07:34We'll take that next turning down to the left. We'll soon shake him off.

01:07:37All right, well, hold tight!

01:07:43Come on, back up a bit! Back up!

01:07:45They can't get away with that! He didn't even put his hand down!

01:07:55Shaking him off yet?

01:07:58No. They're still after us.

01:08:01All right, then. Turn your lights out.

01:08:03Hey! Left party?

01:08:05Gone!

01:08:06What do you mean, gone?

01:08:07They've left the road!

01:08:08What do you think they've done? Driven up a tree?

01:08:09They say he was following something that ain't there!

01:08:11Now, let's get inside and have a good blowout, eh?

01:08:13See, and maybe that wanted car'll come by.

01:08:15What wanted car?

01:08:16You know, the one they spoke of over the wireless. FN8429.

01:08:19FN842... I mean, that's our own car, isn't it?

01:08:22Remember when we shoved it up a side road?

01:08:24FN8429. If you don't shut up, you'll be R.I.B.82.

01:08:27Go on, Albert. Shut up!

01:08:42Hey! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

01:08:45What's the idea of being asleep on duty?

01:08:47You see, you don't even have to be asleep!

01:08:48You don't sleep when you start...

01:08:50Hey! Wake up, will you?

01:08:51Come on, wake up!

01:08:56There you are! You've ditched this now!

01:08:59Clever, aren't you?

01:09:00I was driving all right while I was asleep.

01:09:02It's you waking me up!

01:09:03You're having a bit of bad luck, aren't you?

01:09:05Bad luck? I'm chained to it!

01:09:11How much longer are you going to be?

01:09:12OK, boss. We're all set now.

01:09:14All right.

01:09:29Hey! There's our lorry!

01:09:30Look! Come on!

01:09:42Come on!

01:09:49Hey! Can't you give me a bit more room?

01:09:51I've never driven one of these things before!

01:09:52I can't help it! This wasn't made for three people!

01:09:55It wasn't made for one your size!

01:10:04I bet there's a bus spot in this now.

01:10:07It's got its damn foot again!

01:10:18The stolen bus has just come by!

01:10:20Heading for the Weybridge Road!

01:10:22Calling all cars.

01:10:23Wanted bus seen in Weybridge District.

01:10:25Proceed to that area.

01:10:37That's the rate of the bus coming in about this.

01:10:39They never stop at the authorized places.

01:10:41They queue up and then they run like blazes!

01:10:45Oh, go on! There's the green light!

01:10:47I know! I know! I'm not colourblind!

01:10:49The bus won't stop!

01:10:50I know what's wrong!

01:10:51What?

01:10:52We haven't rang the bell!

01:10:53Yeah, haven't rang the bell!

01:10:55Whoa!

01:11:05Move on, there!

01:11:06Shut up! I've got as much right of the road as you have!

01:11:08What's he playing at?

01:11:12Get out of me!

01:11:13Hey, what are you doing?

01:11:18What's the matter? Somebody behind us?

01:11:20Someone behind us?

01:11:21We've got a full house!

01:11:22Yeah, ain't we?

01:11:25Hey, where did all those people come from?

01:11:27They must have got on when we stopped.

01:11:29Well, now they're on, they can stay on!

01:11:32Wait for that conductor to come down!

01:11:34I'll lodge a complaint about this!

01:11:36Police!

01:11:53Police!

01:11:54What am I doing? Stop?

01:11:55No! Turn left!

01:12:06Go!

01:12:21Something's going to be torn.

01:12:22Look, you were on the wrong side!

01:12:24I think it's alright they're going to speed like that.

01:12:25Did anybody think it was a racetrack?

01:12:29Blimey, you're right!

01:12:30You're on the right side!

01:12:31Oh, bloody hell!

01:12:32Oh, dear!

01:12:35Oh! Oh, a small car's coming!

01:12:37Oh!

01:12:38Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

01:12:40Oh, dear!

01:12:41Hey!

01:12:44Oh, that was a near thing, wasn't it?

01:12:48Get out there in that lorry!

01:12:50Speed it over!

01:12:51Get out there and stop that thing!

01:13:02Oh, dear!

01:13:03Oh, dear!

01:13:10Oh, dear!

01:13:11Oh, you had a nice laugh and now you're caught.

01:13:14Hey, it's not as you want it to be!

01:13:15Don't let him get away!

01:13:16Get out of the way!

01:13:22Oh, no, you don't!

01:13:23Get those three strong as it was!

01:13:24Hey, stop him!

01:13:25This is the man you want!

01:13:27Yes!

01:13:28He is a crook!

01:13:29A bad man!

01:13:30That's right, sir. There's cannons of it, raining all over the place.

01:13:32Fantastic!

01:13:34Are you accusing me of smuggling?

01:13:35Yes, I am.

01:13:36Well, it's outrageous. You're the smuggler and you know it.

01:13:38That's a fib. And he's always telling fibs.

01:13:40Shut up, you!

01:13:43I've seen you before somewhere, haven't I?

01:13:45No.

01:13:46That's another fib, and I can prove it, too.

01:13:47You remember the day when I knocked you on the head

01:13:49and kidded you you'd run your car into a shop window?

01:13:51Well, this is the fellow that came and backed us up,

01:13:53said it was an accident.

01:13:54So you admitted you was a blackguard.

01:13:55Yes, but look what we've done since. Caught the smugglers and everything.

01:13:58Arrest a lot of them!

01:13:59Hey, wait a minute!

01:14:00You mean to tell me that you're absolutely...

01:14:02You're gonna...

01:14:03Well, hold...

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