Big School - S02 - E01
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00:00Morning, Sarah. First day back. Can I offer you a lift?
00:10No, thanks, Keith. It's quite near.
00:12Still be quicker in the car. Hop in.
00:21Pop your seatbelt on.
00:44Well, here we are.
00:46Thank you for the lift.
00:48Sarah, I just wanted to say it's a shame our dinner over the holidays didn't work out.
00:52It's not nice for a woman to be stood up.
00:54I didn't stand you up. Who could have known the town had two Bella Italias?
00:58I did give you the address.
00:59Yes, but I saw a Bella Italia in the town square and presumed you'd got the address wrong.
01:03I didn't get it wrong.
01:04Well, you could have got it wrong.
01:05That I didn't get it wrong. You got it wrong.
01:07So, did you enjoy your meal?
01:09Of course I didn't. I wasn't going to sit there on my own all night.
01:11Yes, I just had the bread and dips while I was waiting.
01:14Then I had the spaghetti carbonara, followed by the tiramisu.
01:17After the cheese selection, I assumed you weren't coming, so I just had a coffee and some of those little almond biscuits.
01:23Sounds like you had a very nice evening.
01:24Yes, and it was very reasonably priced. We should go again.
01:27Same restaurant or separate ones?
01:30Same one this time.
01:31All right. We'll see.
01:39Well done, all. See you in September.
01:48Now, is there anything different about me today, babes?
01:50Are you wearing deodorant?
01:52No, it's my natural musk.
01:54Here, look.
01:56Tie, shirt.
01:57Oh, what's this?
01:59Oh, yes, you're reading a book.
02:01Yeah, and why's that?
02:03Because I'm going up in the world, babes.
02:05I'm not just the PE teacher anymore.
02:07No, no, from today, I'm also teaching geography.
02:11Geography.
02:12Here, look.
02:14Who knew clouds are full of rain?
02:15Oosh.
02:20Oh, excuse me, Jo.
02:24So, what happened to Gareth?
02:27Haven't you heard?
02:28Barbara's gone mental.
02:29You can't say that anymore.
02:31Yes, he had a nervous episode.
02:33Which made him go mental.
02:35I think pressure of teaching finally got to him.
02:39I shouldn't say this, but they found him crawling round the playing fields at night, naked from the waist down.
02:45Thank you, Janine. That is not a pleasant image.
02:47He had a soil thermometer wedged into his...
02:50That's enough. Some of us are trying to enjoy a biscuit.
02:52Poor, poor Gareth. I know we'll all miss seeing his smiley face in here.
03:00Morning.
03:09I'm sorry?
03:10Let me speak to him.
03:12I'm sorry?
03:13Let me speak to him.
03:14Oh, all right, then.
03:18Hello, Gareth.
03:19What?
03:22How are you?
03:24Fine.
03:26How's your lunacy?
03:27Shut up, Keith. You're being very insensitive.
03:29You're such a rude woman.
03:30I said shut up.
03:33Now, Gareth...
03:37There's no easy way to put this, but you're not a teacher here anymore.
03:46Oh, no.
03:48If anyone's making a cup of tea, I'll have one. Eight triggers.
03:50Smile. Let me have a quack.
03:51Oi, Froot Loop, you don't work here anymore.
03:59I do.
04:01I'm the new caretaker.
04:03Oh, good for you.
04:05That's wonderful news, Gareth.
04:07Cheers.
04:09Polite note, they are teacher biscuits, not for maintenance staff.
04:14So, a very big Greybridge welcome to all the new pupils who have joined us this year.
04:21As your headmistress, I offer you one word of friendly advice.
04:26Cross me, and I will destroy you.
04:30Miss, um...
04:31Poston. Been here a year.
04:34Miss, um...
04:35Poston. Been here a year.
04:43You asked for it. You got it.
04:45Cool disco, man.
04:46Paintballing.
04:47No more French lessons.
04:49No, this Friday, I have organised a Careers Day.
04:54So, I'll be pulling together a careers posse,
04:57and we will be running workshops in the morning,
04:59and in the afternoon, the big finale,
05:02a special celebrity guest is going to be coming in
05:06and talking to us about their career.
05:08Is it Will Smith?
05:09No.
05:10Is it Jay-Z?
05:11No.
05:12Katy Perry?
05:13It's someone quite well-known, but not as well-known as that.
05:14Rihanna?
05:15Can I just say, lower your expectations.
05:17So, I hope to see you all at three o'clock on Friday.
05:21Is it Kim Kardashian?
05:22Please stop.
05:23Is it one of the Kardashians?
05:24No.
05:25Then it'll be Justin Bieber.
05:26It's not Justin Bieber.
05:27My brother's mate reckons they saw Nicki Minaj in Nando's on Saturday.
05:31Is it Nicki Minaj, miss?
05:33It's not Nicki Minaj, no.
05:34I'm going to just tell you Mr Martin,
05:36who has some very exciting news about his own career.
05:41Cheers.
05:44So, over the holidays, I've recorded my debut single.
05:50And, cheers, yeah.
05:53And it's out today on a little website you might have heard of called iTunes.
05:59It's going to be big, so let's face it,
06:02probably going to be my last week here.
06:05Keep it together, Luke.
06:07Anyway, the song is called, quite simply, Soar.
06:12That's S-O-A-R, not S-O-R-E.
06:15Or S-A-W.
06:17Bit weird to write a song about a soar.
06:19Or any kind of soar, really.
06:20Okay, let's do this.
06:24I see the same old faces every day
06:29Every time I look they're getting out and gray
06:36Well it's a dead end job in a dead end place
06:40And my life is not gonna go to waste
06:43I'm gonna soar
06:46Grow my wings and fly
06:49And I'm gonna soar
06:53Burn my suit and tie
06:55And I'm gonna soar
06:59Wave these suckers goodbye
07:01I'm gonna soar
07:04Goodbye
07:07Goodbye
07:10Goodbye
07:22Morning.
07:24Is she in?
07:26Is who in?
07:28The headmistress.
07:29Right, yeah.
07:31In where?
07:33In the office.
07:35Probably, unless she just climbed out the window again.
07:41Don't come in.
07:43Morning, headmistress.
07:45Oh, it's you.
07:46Let me finish my tea.
07:48Just doing the bins.
07:49A big thanks for giving me a second chance after my interlude.
07:53Well, sadly, these days one can't suck someone for going...
07:58No.
07:59No.
08:00That's how to be not have a job years ago.
08:03I would like to, headmistress.
08:05I've been going through a tough time of it.
08:07I think it all started.
08:08Would you mind having this conversation outside?
08:12Of course.
08:19It all started when the wife changed the locks.
08:22She sold all my stuff on eBay
08:24and forced me to live with a caravan at the bottom of the garden.
08:29Right, come into the house.
08:33There's a lot of different classrooms in this school, isn't there?
08:36Right.
08:37Geography.
08:40Rain comes down from the clouds, turns into sea.
08:45Wind blows it back up again.
08:47Water cycle. Boom!
08:49Right, what else do you need to know for your CGCSEs?
08:51Mr Barber was going to teach us about the Ice Age.
08:54Oh, the Ice Age, Ice Age.
08:56It's a while back, wasn't it?
08:58Nippy.
09:00There's a lot of black ice.
09:02That's lethal.
09:03I mean, that's what killed the dinosaurs.
09:05You don't know anything about it, do you, sir?
09:07No, I do, actually. Hang on a minute, I'll have a little, um...
09:09I'll have a think.
09:12Ice Age was a slow for woolly mammoth,
09:14saber-toothed tiger all teamed up in it.
09:16No, hang on, that's not...
09:18Look, the Ice Age was a period of reduced global temperature
09:24resulting in the expansion of polar ice sheets and glaciers.
09:30I think I nailed it.
09:32Hey, got it? Throw another one at me.
09:37Thanks for coming.
09:39See you again.
09:40Yeah.
09:42It's a cross-section of a baby bell.
09:44Yeah.
09:45You're at all interested in the Ice Age?
09:47Not especially.
09:48Of all the ages, it's, um...
09:50It's probably my favourite.
09:52It's a bit boring.
09:54I just wondered if you wouldn't mind putting up one of my posters in your classroom.
09:57No, of course, babes.
09:59Which way now?
10:00Yeah, you know, just for my brand of the day.
10:02Hopefully get it trending on Twitter.
10:04Hashtag Sarah Poston's which way now.
10:06Yeah.
10:07No, I'll be up for doing one of your workshops.
10:09You?
10:10Well, yeah.
10:11Well, um, actually, nobody has put their name down for the CV workshop.
10:15Well, you count me in. I love to learn about CVs.
10:17Yeah, you're teaching it.
10:18No, no, I knew that.
10:20Sarah, can I have a word?
10:22I'm right here.
10:24In private?
10:25Yeah, no, it's fine, cos, um...
10:28cos I've got some geography marking to do.
10:35What is it, Kim?
10:36I just feel I should be doing the CV workshop with you.
10:38It's too late. I've already asked around.
10:40I want to be part of your careers posse.
10:42If you are doing this just to get back into my good books...
10:44No, no, no, I genuinely think what you're doing with this careers day is inspirational.
10:48Well, teaching is just a tiny part of what Sarah Poston does.
10:53You are Sarah Poston.
10:54I know.
10:55These kids are at a crossroads.
10:57Do they carry on with their education or do they go and get a job?
11:00It's more of a T-junction.
11:01But if there's anything I can do to help on Friday, anything at all, just let me know.
11:05Well, I still need someone to take part in the job interview role-play.
11:09Yes.
11:10With Janine.
11:11No.
11:12Why?
11:13You know her and I don't get on.
11:14I mean, I try and take them all to high ground, but she is a total cow!
11:17Right, just forget it, Keith, OK?
11:18I will find somebody else to help me.
11:20Someone who actually cares about these young people's futures.
11:34Please come in.
11:37Stop.
11:38Now, I didn't tell him to sit down.
11:40And in a job interview, that would be a complete no-no.
11:43Please go out and come back in again.
11:47He didn't close the door.
11:51Come in.
11:52I haven't knocked yet.
11:53Obviously, that's a complete no-no.
11:55If you're interviewing someone for a job, you have to wait for them to knock.
12:02Come in.
12:07Sit down.
12:10Good afternoon.
12:12I'm here about the job.
12:13Which job?
12:14I don't know.
12:15An even bigger no-no.
12:17Always know which job you've applied for.
12:19You never told me what job it was. She never told me.
12:22Let's just say this is a bank and you are applying for the position of bank clerk.
12:26Tell me, what qualities do you have that would be suited to the role of bank clerk?
12:30Well, I'm equally comfortable working as...
12:33Thank you both very much.
12:34Your thoughts.
12:35Where do you think Mr Church went wrong?
12:38I didn't go wrong. It was clear from the start that I was never going to get the job.
12:40Miss, I think he made a bad first impression.
12:42Yes, we've covered that. Thank you.
12:44Also, I think he's got an attitude problem, Miss.
12:46A bad attitude is the biggest no-no.
12:49Well, you try it with her. See how you get on.
12:52Okay.
13:05Hmm.
13:07Come in.
13:11Please sit down.
13:14Good afternoon.
13:15You've got the job.
13:28Heard you boozed up your workshop, Churchy.
13:30No, I should have got that job.
13:32Poor Sarah. Paws are out and sold into this careers thingy,
13:35then you come along and take a giant dump on it.
13:37If anyone's going to take a giant deposit on today, it's you and your CV workshop.
13:43I bet you don't even know what CV stands for.
13:45Yeah, I do.
13:47Come on, then.
13:49Well, I'm going to go and get some dinner. I'm going to run out of chips.
13:51No.
13:54Look, obviously, the C stands for careers.
13:57Go on.
13:58Go on?
14:00The...
14:02Verdict? No.
14:04Voucher.
14:06Vasectomy.
14:07Careers vasectomy. That's your final answer.
14:09Time to do both. Selfie or autograph?
14:12Actually, I just need to get to my locker.
14:14Cool. Cool.
14:15Just getting shizzle out of the locker.
14:17Keeping it real. Fist bump.
14:20Okay, come on. Get out of his way. Get out of his way.
14:23Wow, Mr Rockstar!
14:26Yeah, to be honest, this is the part that I really hate. The fame.
14:29Yeah, that's the reason I don't want to become famous. The fame.
14:32Yeah, you're best off how you are. Completely anonymous.
14:35Tell that to my 78 Twitter followers.
14:38So, as it's your last day today, I have organised a little drinks party for you in the staff room at four o'clock.
14:43Yeah, yeah, I'll try and swing by.
14:45It's a party for you.
14:47What time is it again and where?
14:49It's at four o'clock in the staff room.
14:52Put me down as a maybe.
14:53Well, it'll be a teensy bit embarrassing for me if you don't come.
14:57Yes, but I'm quite famous now, so I don't know if I want to come.
15:01But it is a party for you.
15:03Okay, but I can't stay long.
15:11Oi, lads.
15:13Oh, hello, caretaker.
15:15I'm starving. I haven't eaten since Tuesday.
15:17And that was a conker.
15:19Can I borrow some of those fish fingers?
15:24I've got none left.
15:26Keith, please.
15:28I'm going to faint.
15:37Just dunk her in the ketchup.
15:44Careful of my fingers.
15:46I'm ready for the next one now.
15:48Right, it's time for my session with Sailor.
15:51Maybe I should come and supervise.
15:53Hang on. I haven't had dessert yet.
16:03First rule of CVs.
16:05Don't be afraid to lie.
16:07Oh, sorry.
16:09Didn't want to stop you so soon.
16:11Just as I was getting going, babes.
16:13Just a small correction.
16:15You must never lie on a CV.
16:17Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, you don't lie.
16:19But, I mean, you can knock your grades up a little bit.
16:21OK, I'll stop you again.
16:23You must definitely never knock your grades up a bit.
16:26Why not?
16:28Because it's wrong and employers can check up on you.
16:30Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:32Sorry, are you sure? I'm sure.
16:35Bollocks.
16:37No, I said it as a typo.
16:39Anyway, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what your grades are.
16:41The most important thing is you've got a good hobby.
16:43Not a boring one.
16:45You, what's your hobby? I play the violin.
16:47What about you? Astronomy. So boring.
16:49What about you? I collect coins.
16:51We've all got to change, mate. That's not a hobby.
16:53But mine are from all around the world.
16:55Well, get yourself down to Thomas Cook and I'll change them for you.
16:57No, come on, we need something exciting, something that'll get you a job.
16:59What did you put down, babes? Modelling?
17:01Oh, well, that's kind, but no.
17:03Well, you must have been quite fit when you were younger.
17:05Still am young.
17:07What did I put down?
17:09Well, obviously my extensive charity work.
17:11French cinema.
17:13Art house films.
17:15And I also put down that I speak five languages.
17:17Do you?
17:19Yeah.
17:21All right, which ones?
17:23English.
17:25Yeah, obviously.
17:27French.
17:29That's two.
17:31Spanish.
17:33German.
17:35And Chinese.
17:37You speak Chinese?
17:39Yes, it says so on my CV.
17:41Go on then, do a bit.
17:45Right.
17:59Right, so it's all right to lie a bit.
18:11So, to bring Careers Day to a close,
18:13we now have a very special guest.
18:15We were at teacher training college together,
18:19but she took a different path to me,
18:21and she now writes very successful books for children.
18:23Young adults.
18:25Young adults.
18:27Selling over two million...
18:29Three million.
18:31Three million books.
18:33Please give a very big Greybridge welcome to Fenella Forbes.
18:35APPLAUSE
18:41Thanks for that little intro, Susan.
18:43Sarah.
18:45Oh, sorry.
18:47There were two ginger ones at college,
18:49and I can never remember which one was...
18:51Well, Susan was the fat one.
18:53The fat, oh, yeah.
18:55So, first question.
18:57What does it take to become a successful...
18:59Young adults author?
19:01Very simple.
19:03An original idea.
19:05And what was yours?
19:07A school for witches.
19:09It's quite similar to Harry Potter.
19:11That's a school for wizards.
19:13Mine's a school for witches.
19:15Forgive me.
19:17Question two.
19:19How did you get your big break as a writer?
19:21Because a lot of it is luck, isn't it?
19:23I always say you make your own luck.
19:25That's what lucky people say.
19:27Well, my father-in-law ran a publishing company.
19:29Lucky.
19:31So, in his own words,
19:33the most original debut novel he'd ever read.
19:35Obviously he hadn't heard of Harry Potter.
19:37And the rest, as they say, is history.
19:39The Second World War is history.
19:41This is really just a series of books for children.
19:43Young adults. Children.
19:45Are we going to get on with the book signing?
19:47No. Question three.
19:49How much money do you get for each book sold?
19:51It's not about the money at all.
19:53It's about doing something you love.
19:55A pound a book? A bit more than that.
19:57That's obscene.
19:59Money isn't important,
20:01according to the multi-millionaire.
20:03So, let's open it up to your questions.
20:05Yes.
20:07In your next book, will Whitney the Witch
20:09get eaten by the Dragonhair Mistress?
20:11The only way you'll find out is by buying the book.
20:13Whitney's not going to be killed off, Nicholas,
20:15not till every penny of your pocket money is in her bank account.
20:17Next.
20:19So will there ever be a Whitney the Witch film?
20:21I think we'd all love to see Whitney on the big screen,
20:23wouldn't we?
20:25You certainly would. Buy yourself a well-earned yacht.
20:27Anyone else?
20:29Can I borrow 72,000 pounds?
20:31LAUGHTER
20:33Well, let's, um...
20:35Let's just wrap up, shall we? I do have one final question.
20:37Well, let's make it the last one.
20:39For Nella.
20:41We both train together, but I just wondered,
20:43do you ever regret
20:45not becoming a teacher?
20:47Well... Uh-uh-uh. Let me finish.
20:49Because every day
20:51in my job,
20:53I get to shape young people's lives
20:55for the better.
20:57Well, that... Shh!
20:59And what could be more important
21:01than that?
21:03Your answer, please.
21:05Well, it's interesting
21:07you say that, because sometimes
21:09I do feel that being a teacher
21:11is the most important job
21:13you can do.
21:19But then I think
21:21what I do is so much more important,
21:23because I shape the lives
21:25of young people, but on a global scale.
21:31Right!
21:33Let's sign some books!
21:53Are you all right, Sarah?
21:55Oh...
21:57It's just been a difficult day.
21:59Luke's leaving us
22:01to become a pop star.
22:03Someone I was at teacher training college with
22:05now has a Chanel handbag.
22:07And where am I?
22:09I mean, all day,
22:11it's been Sarah Poston's which way now,
22:13but it should have been
22:15Sarah Poston's which way now.
22:17I mean, it's been Sarah Poston's which way now,
22:19but it should have been
22:21Sarah Poston's which way now,
22:23but it should have been which way now, Sarah Poston.
22:25You are Sarah Poston.
22:27I know.
22:31I feel like I'm at a crossroads.
22:33A T-junction.
22:35Should I carry on teaching,
22:37or should I write a best-selling series
22:39of children's novels?
22:41Carry on teaching.
22:43Well...
22:45I suppose
22:47I do have this gift for it.
22:49I do.
22:51Plus, I think you'd find writing the best-selling
22:53series of children's novels quite hard.
22:57But I know if you left,
22:59you'd leave a massive hole
23:01in the hearts of everyone
23:03at Greybridge.
23:05Especially me.
23:07Thank you, Keith.
23:15Hey.
23:17Well...
23:37Excuse me, Jo.
23:41Yeah, I've been loving this scree as day, Sarah.
23:43Oh, good. That's good.
23:45It's given me a clear idea of what I'd like to be.
23:47What's that? A wacky weatherman.
23:49I think I'd be very good at cheering people up
23:51in the morning.
23:53Good luck with that. Uh, I have to go and mingle.
23:55Oh, Miss Barron!
23:57How wonderful that you're here.
23:59I really didn't expect you to come.
24:01Sadly, I can't stay.
24:09Hello, Daphne. Hi, Sarah.
24:11Shame you're leaving us.
24:13I know the headmistress can't stand you,
24:15but I've always quite liked you.
24:17It was actually Luke's
24:19leaving party. Oh, right.
24:21That's a shame. She likes him.
24:25Ooh, here's
24:27Dr. Armstrong! Can we not do the voice
24:29anymore? It's quite annoying. Yeah.
24:31Look, I just wanted to say good luck
24:33with everything, and don't forget
24:35all your friends here at Greybridge.
24:37Never forget the little people.
24:39And? I've got to take this. It's my manager.
24:41Should have a chart update.
24:43Shh, shh, shh.
24:45It's his manager with a chart update.
24:47Django, what's up?
24:49No, just
24:51at some crappy party. So,
24:53how's Saw doing?
24:55Nine? Oh, my
24:57God! We have a pop star at the
24:59party! He is number
25:01nine in the chart!
25:03No, no, no, no.
25:05I've sold
25:07nine copies.
25:11Django, what happened?
25:13I gave you 700 pounds!
25:15Well, we'll see you Monday morning, then,
25:17Barry Barlow.
25:19Nine copies.
25:21I know.
25:23What a disaster.
25:27Still,
25:29really perked me up.
25:31Oh, man.
25:39Got your stratus
25:41and your big one now. They're just
25:43called big clouds. We have a new
25:45teacher, and yes, he just happens
25:47to be blind. It's Keith Church.
25:49Hi. And I'm in the dining hall.
25:51Yes, I realise that. We all
25:53call her Piggy Boston because she has an
25:55upturned nose, like a pig.
25:57Do you mind if I just...
25:59I think we should see Dr. Dalton for what he is.
26:01A cool teacher who just happens to be
26:03blind. Visually impaired.