Carry on Admiral 1957

pierced

In the course of a drunken reunion, two old friends (one a junior Government minister, the other a Royal Navy officer in uniform about to take command for the first time) switch clothes before passing out. Next morning, their changed clothes result in a series of cases of mistaken identity. The film follows the efforts of each to reunite himself with his own destiny.

Transcript

00:00:00♪

00:00:25Carry on, Admiral!

00:00:29Carry on, Admiral!

00:00:33Carry on, Admiral!

00:00:41Yee-haw!

00:00:43Hit the deck!

00:00:45All in!

00:00:47Prepare for the parade!

00:00:49♪

00:00:53Wear your hats!

00:00:55Steady as you go!

00:00:57Yee-haw!

00:00:59Prepare for the parade!

00:01:01♪

00:01:05Fight or die! Fight or die!

00:01:07Fight or die! Fight or die!

00:01:09♪

00:01:13Carry on, Admiral!

00:01:16Carry on, Admiral!

00:01:20Carry on, Admiral!

00:01:24Carry on! Carry on! Carry on!

00:01:28♪

00:01:51Really, Jane, you know you shouldn't do this to me.

00:01:54Oh, simmer down, darling.

00:01:56An admiral can't give his granddaughter a visit.

00:01:58But I'm on official business.

00:02:00Oh, that's all right. You can run along now.

00:02:02Just hand me that outboard motor.

00:02:04I'll be back around teatime, will you?

00:02:06Be a sweetie and pick me up.

00:02:08If you think my flag lieutenant has nothing to do with...

00:02:10Oh, my goodness.

00:02:12Take this. Someone's coming.

00:02:14Why, they're only waiting.

00:02:16As commander-in-chief,

00:02:18I will not take the salute with an outboard motor in my hand.

00:02:22Aye!

00:02:24♪

00:02:30Aye!

00:02:32♪

00:02:40♪

00:02:43Hey, what do you think you're doing?

00:02:45Come on! Fall in again!

00:02:49Wow!

00:02:52Well, stoned-up breeding crows.

00:02:54I've never seen anything like that in all my life.

00:02:57You can say that again.

00:02:59An outboard with an half-inch shaft.

00:03:01Now, good for sea work.

00:03:03That looks a tricky maneuver to me.

00:03:05Yes, it must do.

00:03:07Uh-uh. Can I help?

00:03:09No, thank you. I do this every day.

00:03:11You do? At the same time?

00:03:13All right. Take this.

00:03:17No, no, no. Allow me. I'll fix it for you.

00:03:19Oh, yes, but...

00:03:21Look, we're just casting off. Why don't we give you a lift?

00:03:23Don't drop the cord.

00:03:25I just dropped it.

00:03:27Look, you know, this is absolutely no sort of a job for a girl.

00:03:31Well, I may not look it, but I'm really a very capable character.

00:03:34Oh, yes, yes, I'm sure you are,

00:03:36but these things have quite a backlash, you know.

00:03:38You can sprain a wrist, you can slip a disc,

00:03:40you can do practically anything.

00:03:42Oh!

00:03:45You were saying?

00:03:50They don't fit so good.

00:03:52They're all right, except that I smell like a herring.

00:03:54My fishing gear. Where to first?

00:03:56Up the soul and around the light ship?

00:03:58Around the light ship?

00:04:00What, too dull? How about the nudist camp at the Needles?

00:04:02Look, I hired this boat because I wanted...

00:04:04Take a deco through here. Everything's larger than life.

00:04:06What I want to see is HMS Sherwood, harder port.

00:04:08HMS Sherwood?

00:04:10Yes, I'm taking command of her tomorrow.

00:04:12You are?

00:04:14Yes. Any comments?

00:04:16Well, rust my Rolex.

00:04:18Don't mind your Rolex. Harder port now.

00:04:20All right, all right.

00:04:22There's the old girl. Looks pretty good, doesn't she?

00:04:24Scrap the lot, I say. The Navy's up the creek.

00:04:26Up the creek?

00:04:28Yes, up the creek.

00:04:30Put them all in the air, I say.

00:04:32Flying cruiser, so to speak?

00:04:34It stands to reason.

00:04:36Atom bombs, atom power, atom cars, atom piles.

00:04:38Atom piles?

00:04:40The atom's got to stay, you know.

00:04:42I must remember to tell the Admiral.

00:04:44Yeah, you tell him that.

00:04:46What's a battleship worth these days, eh?

00:04:48Two pen at the cold gym.

00:04:50Look out.

00:05:02She's in. Heave to.

00:05:04Dab, women drivers.

00:05:06Aye, aye, aye.

00:05:10Hang on.

00:05:12Now, take it easy.

00:05:14I'll have you out in no time.

00:05:16Thank you. I can manage.

00:05:22You were saying?

00:05:24Up you come.

00:05:26And furthermore,

00:05:28I am extremely sorry that I laughed.

00:05:30I suppose it was a sort of nervous reaction.

00:05:32You know how it is.

00:05:34Everybody's been run over by a water cart.

00:05:36However much you may love, dear old Gran,

00:05:38your first impulse is to laugh.

00:05:40My grandmother died a natural death.

00:05:42Oh, that's different.

00:05:44I do wish you'd stop being an enemy.

00:05:46Look, I can take a joke as well as the next person,

00:05:48but to deliberately follow me around

00:05:50just to get your own...

00:05:52What's the matter?

00:05:54Do I look like Granny?

00:05:56Believe me, it was a complete accident.

00:05:58We were so busy looking at the Sherwood,

00:06:00we really didn't see you.

00:06:02The Sherwood?

00:06:04That's right. I'm taking command of her tomorrow.

00:06:06The Sherwood?

00:06:08Well, rule Britannia.

00:06:10My name's Peter Fraser. May I know yours?

00:06:12Just call me Neptune's daughter.

00:06:14Stand by to make fast.

00:06:16Quick, grab a fend off.

00:06:18Hey, grab a fend off. I'm going to the starboard.

00:06:20Fend off over there, miss, just straight over.

00:06:22Watch where it goes.

00:06:24Ah, pitch it there. Easy as it goes.

00:06:26Watch where the fend off is, miss.

00:06:28Look, that's all right. Okay.

00:06:30Easy.

00:06:32All right, make fast over here.

00:06:34Just there, okay. Right.

00:06:36Right. You know,

00:06:38the least I can do is to see you home.

00:06:40No, it's very kind of you, but it doesn't really matter.

00:06:42I know, you're still angry with me.

00:06:44Oh, no, I'm not, really. Believe it or not,

00:06:46I've accepted your story.

00:06:48I should hate to stay enemies with Neptune's daughter.

00:06:50Oh, then I'll declare an armistice.

00:06:52Did you know that you've got sea-green eyes?

00:06:54Must be the cold.

00:06:56The cold. The cold.

00:06:58Now, then, up you go.

00:07:00You must go straight home and drop into some hot mustard or something.

00:07:02Yeah, and I should drop this in, too, if I were you.

00:07:04Well, you're not, so bring it out.

00:07:06Look, if you can just tell me where I can return these...

00:07:08Oh, don't worry, I'll go around for them.

00:07:10Oh, well, I think I'd better send them.

00:07:12Oh, whatever you say. Just send them to me at the Harbour Hotel.

00:07:14Oh, just a minute.

00:07:16Oh, you might be around the light shop or something.

00:07:18I'll see you get it back.

00:07:20Lieutenant Commander Peter Fraser, Harbour Hotel.

00:07:22Oh, very young to be a lieutenant commander.

00:07:24Oh, giving us youngsters a chance at last.

00:07:26You sure I can't help you any further?

00:07:28Well, you could just tie the dinghy up.

00:07:30Yes, do that. Is there any chance of my seeing you again?

00:07:32I'm afraid there may be, Captain.

00:07:34There's plenty of chance of you seeing me again.

00:07:36Until I get me jersey, me jeans and me shoes.

00:07:38And me oil skins. See?

00:07:50Hello, Willie.

00:07:52Miss Jane!

00:07:54Miss, will you... Where's Grandpa?

00:07:56Sir Maximilian's in the drawing room.

00:07:58Thanks.

00:08:00But what do you wish me to do with this?

00:08:02Now, Willie...

00:08:04Well, what is it, my man?

00:08:06Your man is a girl and the girl is your grandmother.

00:08:08Oh, don't bother me with things like that.

00:08:10Go and see Grace Scotch.

00:08:12Relax, darling. I got dunked in the harbour.

00:08:14Dunked in the harbour?

00:08:16It was an accident, I think.

00:08:18You haven't walked through the town like that.

00:08:20What, beside the disser in the nude?

00:08:22It's very difficult for me to keep my dignity at all.

00:08:24Fiddle-faddle. You didn't even recognize me,

00:08:26so what chance anyone else?

00:08:28Grandpa, is the Sherwood getting a new captain tomorrow?

00:08:30Sherwood?

00:08:32Because if she is, that's all I want to know.

00:08:34But if she isn't, I'm starting a vendetta tomorrow.

00:08:36No, no, you can't do anything tomorrow.

00:08:38I need you here.

00:08:40The Parliamentary Private Secretary,

00:08:42the First Lord, is coming and I...

00:08:44I promised to dingy over.

00:08:46I need you here to be nice to him.

00:08:48Oh, how awful.

00:08:50Willie!

00:08:52He's booked a room at the Harbour Hotel.

00:08:54I think we ought to ask him to stay here.

00:08:56Willie!

00:08:58I'm so sorry, sir.

00:09:00What's this man's name?

00:09:02That's your granddaughter, sir.

00:09:04No, not this man. The MP fellow.

00:09:06Oh, the PPS Baker, sir. Tom Baker.

00:09:08Baker, that's it.

00:09:10Thank you very much.

00:09:12He's a sort of distant cousin of mine.

00:09:14I never knew anyone that wasn't.

00:09:16Oh, and by the way, I've also invited

00:09:18the wife of Boar, Tomkinson, to meet him.

00:09:20This is going to be the ghoul tea party.

00:09:22No, my idea is, you see,

00:09:24I thought Tomkinson and...

00:09:26It's gone again.

00:09:28Baker, sir.

00:09:30Oh, thanks, sir. Baker, they might bore each other by talking, you see,

00:09:32while I get my meal.

00:09:34I don't think they'll have very much in common, sir.

00:09:36Sir Henry's a socialist, don't you?

00:09:38What is a socialist? What else could it be?

00:09:40He wants to marry my sister.

00:09:42What sort of fool do you think that makes him?

00:09:44Your brother-in-law, sir.

00:09:46Jane, in case this Mr...

00:09:48Baker, sir.

00:09:50...comes to dinner, put on something a little more dignified.

00:09:52I'll wear my white bikini.

00:09:54Yes, white suits you.

00:09:56Now...

00:09:58You see, sir, Mr. Baker's a nephew of Old Lord McGull,

00:10:00the fourth earl.

00:10:02Now, his eldest son, by his third wife,

00:10:04was my father, and Mr. Baker's mother...

00:10:06Ah, this is most interesting, I quite agree.

00:10:08But don't trouble me with the sordid details.

00:10:10Oh, by the way, you might ring up the Harbour Hotel.

00:10:26Would you take that case in, please?

00:10:30Yes, yes, right away. I'll call you back.

00:10:32Paige. Yes, sir?

00:10:34Mr. Baker. See if he's arrived.

00:10:36Yes, sir. Paging Mr. Baker.

00:10:38Paging Mr. Baker.

00:10:40You've found him. Mr. Baker?

00:10:42Yes. You want it at the desk, sir. Thank you.

00:10:44Mr. Baker. Ah, yes, sir.

00:10:46Admiralty House have been calling. Want to know the moment you arrive.

00:10:48Well, you've had a message to say that I'm arriving late.

00:10:50I have? Yes, and later, there's a do-not-disturb

00:10:52notice on the door. There is?

00:10:54But you'll be pleased to give me the message first thing in the morning.

00:10:56I see. Well, perhaps when you do arrive,

00:10:58you'll sign here, sir, room 14.

00:11:00I'll sign now.

00:11:02It's just that I can't face Admiralty House

00:11:04until I've got my strength back.

00:11:06Quite perfectly. You can't possibly understand

00:11:08unless you've been in the Navy or in Parliament.

00:11:10All skins for Lieutenant Commander Peter Fraser.

00:11:12Thank you. Page... Peter Fraser? It can't be.

00:11:14I don't believe it. My height, dark hair,

00:11:16about my age... That's a pretty fair description.

00:11:18Page, take these upstairs to

00:11:20Lieutenant Commander Fraser, room 16.

00:11:22Room 16? No, let me take them, will you?

00:11:24But do you know the Lieutenant Commander?

00:11:26Knowing? If it's the right Fraser, this is the biggest meeting

00:11:28since Stanley found Dr. Livingstone.

00:11:30OK, Harold.

00:11:32Home you go. Well, I'm rather glad about that.

00:11:34I'm sorry I'm late. Anything I should know?

00:11:36It's all on the pad.

00:11:38Oh, except Mr. Tom Baker, who's just arrived,

00:11:40hasn't arrived yet,

00:11:42and is upstairs with Dr. Livingstone.

00:12:02Oh, excuse me. I seem to be lost.

00:12:04The notice says 13 to 19,

00:12:06but that's number 11, and that was number 10.

00:12:08That's not 10, that's 18, only the top of the 8 broke off.

00:12:10Broke off. And that's not 11,

00:12:12that's 17, only the top of the 7 broke off.

00:12:14I suppose it can happen in the best hotel.

00:12:16What room do you want? Number 16.

00:12:18There we are. No, this one's number 9.

00:12:20Oh, no,

00:12:22that's a 6, but it keeps slipping down,

00:12:24and the 1 got lost or something.

00:12:26This floor seems to have had rather a bashing,

00:12:28doesn't it? Yes, it was that week the American fleet

00:12:30was in. Indeed.

00:12:34Oh, um... He won't be able

00:12:36to hear you. He's in the bath.

00:12:38You don't run conductive tours of the waxworks

00:12:40too, do you? No, and I don't need any

00:12:42nylons, chewing gum, or American cigarettes

00:12:44either.

00:12:46I'll bet you don't.

00:12:50Lieutenant Commander Fraser? Eh?

00:12:52There's a bundle of oil skins for you.

00:12:54Oil skins? Oil skins?

00:12:56Well, bring them up. They are up.

00:12:58Is there a note with them? It doesn't seem to be.

00:13:00Well, undo them. Certainly, sir.

00:13:02You wish me to have them pressed for you? No, no, no.

00:13:04To see if there's a note inside your pool.

00:13:06I don't much like being called a fool, sir.

00:13:08What, did a young lady bring them?

00:13:10Not unless she was wearing a crash helmet.

00:13:12Crash helmet? It doesn't seem to be a note, sir.

00:13:14Oh, blast.

00:13:16OK, you'll find some change on the table.

00:13:18Take a shilling.

00:13:20Oh, that's extremely decent of you.

00:13:22Look, is there any sort of a valet in this place?

00:13:24Tom Baker. Peter Fraser, how are you?

00:13:26Oh, blow me down. What is it, 11 years?

00:13:28Piccadilly Circus, VJ night.

00:13:30You climbed up on the top of Veros and stuck a tin receptacle

00:13:32on his head. And you sat on a fountain in Trafalgar Square

00:13:34and told the policeman you were a ping-pong ball.

00:13:36The very thought of it makes me thirst. Oh, me too.

00:13:38The bell's by the bed. The one-marked waiter.

00:13:40Well, well, sir, they've made you a lieutenant-commander.

00:13:42Yes, they have. I take over the show tomorrow.

00:13:44But what are you doing here?

00:13:46Well, I'm a sort of advance man. Advance man?

00:13:48Oh, what's that? Well, you know, before the circus

00:13:50comes to town, they always send an advance man to pave the way.

00:13:52You mean you're part of a circus?

00:13:54Well, in a way. I'm with the Admiralty.

00:13:56The Admiralty?

00:13:58You're talking to the Parliamentary Private Secretary

00:14:00of the First Lord. Are you kidding?

00:14:02There's nothing to kid about. The First Lord himself is due here

00:14:04the day after tomorrow to sound out the Admiral about a new chief of staff.

00:14:06I've come on ahead to, what is it they say in your vernacular,

00:14:08to see that everything is ship-shaped.

00:14:10Then heaven help our native land.

00:14:12I could probably have you clapped in irons for that.

00:14:14Yes? Someone ring the bell?

00:14:16Oh, hello. We actually rang for the waiter.

00:14:18Oh, the waiter's gone off. Oh, it's probably the warm weather.

00:14:20What we really wanted was a drink. Is it still gin and water?

00:14:22Gin and water. A bottle of gin.

00:14:24And charge it to me, room 14, please. Oh, no, I'm afraid

00:14:26they don't allow drinks in the rooms anymore.

00:14:28Well, I'll have a little bath. No, we want to be alone.

00:14:30We do? Will you drink scotch? I'll drink anything.

00:14:32Well, I've got half a bottle in my room. Thank you so much for your trouble.

00:14:34And here's a shilling. Oh, thank you.

00:14:36Don't thank me. Thank the Lieutenant Commander.

00:14:38And why do we want to be alone?

00:14:40Because I want you to help me. You want some duty-free cigarettes.

00:14:42No, no, I'm not kidding, Pete.

00:14:44I want you to brush me up on social conditions in the Navy.

00:14:46I've got a memorandum here to discuss with the old man.

00:14:48And it would help me if you'd give me the lowdown

00:14:50on the chaps below the stairs,

00:14:52the serfs below the waterline.

00:14:54I just can't understand it. How can such a thing happen?

00:14:56Such a what thing? How can you get such a job?

00:14:58Well, as Member of Parliament for Wormskirk

00:15:00in two consecutive elections...

00:15:02That's not PBS to the First Lord.

00:15:04Well, it's just the luck of the draw. Take the Minister of Transport, for instance.

00:15:06This year's road casualty figures have been so enormous

00:15:08they're thinking of making him Minister of War.

00:15:10At least there's a tie-up. You don't know anything about the Navy.

00:15:12That's why you're going to teach me.

00:15:14Is that so? The debate will be continued

00:15:16in Room 14.

00:15:18Well, to start with, a ship has two ends.

00:15:20The sharp end and the blunt end.

00:15:22Now, look, Pete.

00:15:24The First Lord's a devil for reform.

00:15:26He says that everything needs shaking up.

00:15:28Starting with me?

00:15:30Yeah, but you can help me and I can probably help you.

00:15:32Right back into the ranks. Room 14.

00:15:34All I'm asking is that you suggest some reforms that I can suggest to him.

00:15:36In other words, you want me to stir it up?

00:15:38I wouldn't quite put it like that.

00:15:40That's how the Court Marshal would put it.

00:15:42I got the gin for you.

00:15:44I had to pour it in the water jug to get it past the house key.

00:15:46Listen, you don't open in Room 14

00:15:48and get clean towels and sheets.

00:15:50Right away, ma'am.

00:15:52You must have read it all in the papers.

00:15:54Battleships or bombers.

00:15:56The Cabinet's going to appoint a new Chief of Naval Staff

00:15:58and 15 Admirals are about to get their cards and coffers.

00:16:00Now, look, Tom. Glad as I am to see you again.

00:16:02I am not particular.

00:16:04There are glasses in my room.

00:16:06I've got to go.

00:16:08I've got to go.

00:16:10Glad as I am to see you again.

00:16:12I am not particular.

00:16:14There are glasses in my room.

00:16:16The debate will be continued in Room 16.

00:16:18You've got it.

00:16:20That's very nice of you.

00:16:22You know what you wanted.

00:16:24Yes, ma'am?

00:16:26Will you please hurry up with those sheets?

00:16:28Right away, ma'am.

00:16:30I don't understand you, Pete.

00:16:32Haven't you ever wanted to tell the CNC a thing or two?

00:16:34There are times when every sailor would like to tell him a thing or two.

00:16:36Sometimes a thing or three.

00:16:38I've got some glasses.

00:16:40Well, here's your opportunity to tell him through me. Water?

00:16:42Ah, you've forgotten our drinking habits.

00:16:44Neat with a chaser.

00:16:46Well, here's to the new boat.

00:16:48Ship. Ship.

00:16:50I see you can still do it.

00:16:52Ah, yes, but I no longer sit on fountains.

00:16:54Look, Tom, I'll give you any tips I can,

00:16:56but reform is your job.

00:16:58Mine is to be an officer and do my duty.

00:17:00A little, if you might please.

00:17:02In a way, I'm your boss.

00:17:04That is the most unkindest cut of all.

00:17:09Quick.

00:17:14What's so, Mortar?

00:17:20Gin. Gin.

00:17:22Get some water. Quick.

00:17:24Water it down. Water it down. Right down.

00:17:26Fresh.

00:17:32Wrong.

00:17:35The whole thing's ridiculous.

00:17:37The place is rocking like a ship.

00:17:39Who put gin in the bottle, Potter?

00:17:41Empty stomachs. That's the trouble.

00:17:43Empty stomachs.

00:17:45Empty stomachs.

00:17:47Empty stomachs.

00:17:49You mustn't sit down. That's fatal.

00:17:51You've got to keep moving around.

00:17:53Drink this. Water it right down.

00:18:05Wait. Wait.

00:18:07We can't put ourselves together.

00:18:09Coffee. We've got to get coffee.

00:18:14This is serious.

00:18:24The life of the ocean wave

00:18:27Is better than life at sea

00:18:30The ocean wave is better than life at sea

00:18:33You rang the bell?

00:18:35Coffee.

00:18:37Terrible service.

00:18:39Do you realise that this is the Parliamentary Private Secretary?

00:18:42Precisely. Coffee. Get coffee express.

00:18:45Espresso coffee, you pretty little thing.

00:18:48The life of the ocean wave

00:18:51As a Member of Parliament for Wormscape

00:18:54I declare this room well and truly locked.

00:18:57The life of the ocean wave

00:18:59The life of the ocean wave

00:19:01The life of the ocean wave

00:19:08Is there still number one?

00:19:13As Captain of HMS Wormscape

00:19:15At ease.

00:19:17I am wishing to ask you

00:19:19Why did you put gin in the ship's water?

00:19:21Answer me, number one.

00:19:23Inside, you flop. Not outside.

00:19:25You mutinous dog!

00:19:27Carry on, Admiral. Carry on what?

00:19:29Splendid.

00:19:31And what can I do for you, number two?

00:19:33It's your coffee, sir.

00:19:35You beautiful number two.

00:19:37Carry on, number two.

00:19:39No, no, no, no, no.

00:19:41Not like that. You're not a commissioner outside a cinema.

00:19:43Exceeds at all prices.

00:19:45You're not a gentleman like that.

00:19:47No, no, no, no.

00:19:49You are in no fit condition, number one.

00:19:52No fit condition at all.

00:19:54Peter, we must leave this office.

00:19:56This is absolutely ridiculous.

00:19:58Tell me, which room is the captain's room?

00:20:01Sixteen.

00:20:03And which one is this?

00:20:04Sixteen.

00:20:06Good night.

00:20:20I don't know.

00:20:22All these labels, you'd think the public were a lot of goofnuts.

00:20:25This is a gun turret. This is a quarter deck.

00:20:28This is a torpedo tube.

00:20:30This is a flippy big torpedo tube.

00:20:32Parker. Sir!

00:20:34Find Lieutenant Lashwood and tell him that his...

00:20:36And tell him what, sir?

00:20:37Oh, good morning, sir.

00:20:38Your car's waiting on the dock, sir.

00:20:39Oh, thank you.

00:20:40All this must be finished and everything spick and span before the new captain gets here.

00:20:43Yes, sir.

00:20:44Lieutenant Dobson is coming with me, but I want the ship's company on parade,

00:20:46ready to fight the new captain aboard at 0930.

00:20:48When are we open to visitors?

00:20:50Ten o'clock, sir.

00:20:51Well, better rope off the captain's quarters.

00:20:52He won't want sightseers his first morning.

00:20:53Aye, aye, sir.

00:20:54Did you ring his hotel?

00:20:55Yes, but he wasn't answering phones.

00:20:57Then our shoreline went dead. Casey's fixing it.

00:21:00You don't suppose he'll resent being picked up?

00:21:02Not when he hears today's schedule.

00:21:04The public, the First Lord and a new captain all in one week.

00:21:07What are they trying to do, break our spirit?

00:21:09Harbour Hotel, please.

00:21:10Yes, sir.

00:21:25Lieutenant Commander Fraser, please.

00:21:26Oh, are you the gentleman...

00:21:27Lieutenant Lashley.

00:21:28Ah, yes.

00:21:29Well, we've been ringing his room, but he still doesn't answer.

00:21:31Perhaps we ought to go up.

00:21:33I understand the lieutenant commander was a little, shall we say, jubilant last night.

00:21:37So he may be, shall we say...

00:21:38Sleeping it off.

00:21:39Shall we say.

00:21:40What number, please?

00:21:41Sixteen, first floor.

00:21:43Harbour Hotel.

00:21:45Mr. Thomas Baker.

00:21:46Yes, he's here, but I can't ring him yet.

00:21:49I understand he has a do not disturb sign.

00:21:51I can't ring him yet.

00:21:52I understand he has a do not disturb sign on his door.

00:21:55In fact, he has three.

00:21:59Good morning.

00:22:00Can you tell me where room sixteen is, please?

00:22:01Oh, yes.

00:22:02Just down there.

00:22:03All right.

00:22:08Captain's there.

00:22:11Captain.

00:22:14Have you got a key?

00:22:15Key?

00:22:16You're not sure, please, are you?

00:22:18Don't you know Vice Admiral?

00:22:19Will you see one?

00:22:20Vice?

00:22:21Oh.

00:22:23Come on.

00:22:29Sir.

00:22:31This is a fine start to an auspicious day.

00:22:33All right.

00:22:34Action stations.

00:22:35And open that window.

00:22:36This room smells like a distillery.

00:22:39Captain.

00:22:40Captain, sir.

00:22:41Wake up.

00:22:42Time to get up, sir.

00:22:43Seems a shame to wake him.

00:22:44The head he's going to have.

00:22:45One thing's certain.

00:22:46We've got to get him on board the showboat before the visitors start arriving.

00:22:48Get a wet towel.

00:22:49It'll be the first time they've piped a horizontal, Captain, aboard.

00:22:51Sir.

00:22:52Oh, good morning, sir.

00:22:53I'm Lashwood.

00:22:54You're number one.

00:22:55And this is Sub-Lieutenant Dobson.

00:22:57Where's my head?

00:22:58Take it easy, sir.

00:22:59You'll be all right.

00:23:00Sorry to wake you like this, sir, but we thought it wiser.

00:23:04Who are you?

00:23:05Lieutenant Lashwood, sir.

00:23:06We have a car downstairs.

00:23:07A car?

00:23:08What's the time?

00:23:09Just after nine, sir.

00:23:10After nine?

00:23:11I shall be late.

00:23:12If you feel up to leaving right away, sir, we can just about manage it.

00:23:14Right away?

00:23:15I haven't shaved.

00:23:16I can't meet the CNC with the nine o'clock shadow.

00:23:18Oh, we shan't see the CNC till later, sir.

00:23:19There's some coffee here, sir.

00:23:20It's cold, but it might help.

00:23:21Oh, thank you so much.

00:23:22Get this, Captain.

00:23:23It's awfully good of you to come and pick me up, Driftwood.

00:23:26Lashwood, sir.

00:23:28Don't you think that I make a regular occurrence to this?

00:23:30No, of course not, sir.

00:23:31A comb, sir?

00:23:32Oh, thank you.

00:23:33I can hold my whiskey with the best of them.

00:23:34I'm sure you can, sir.

00:23:36It was those gin chasers.

00:23:38Gin chasers?

00:23:39I wouldn't like the CNC or the First Lord to see...

00:23:42Suffering cats, this uniform!

00:23:44Oh, I shouldn't worry about that, sir.

00:23:45We'll get you pressed when you get back.

00:23:46It's nine ten, sir.

00:23:47You ought to be leaving.

00:23:48I can't go like this.

00:23:49Look, sir, we know you slept in it,

00:23:50but I can assure you nobody else will.

00:23:51Wait a minute.

00:23:52I've got to get out of this uniform.

00:23:53Oh, now.

00:23:54You may run smack into the visitors.

00:23:55The visitors?

00:23:56It's visitors' day, sir.

00:23:57And from ten o'clock, they'll be swarming all over the place.

00:23:58Oh, that'll be terrible.

00:23:59So you see how important it is that we get you...

00:24:00You're quite sure it's worked?

00:24:01Yes, sir.

00:24:02Won't you get there, sir?

00:24:03No, no, wait.

00:24:04You're rushing me, and only half my head is working.

00:24:05I'm sure you wouldn't want to walk smack into the public like this.

00:24:07Heaven forbid, but I must have a word with the...

00:24:09And I can't remember the room number.

00:24:10It's nine twenty, sir.

00:24:11Look, sir, you can send her a message later.

00:24:13Message?

00:24:14I don't want to send a message.

00:24:15Who's her?

00:24:16But look, what's all the hurry about?

00:24:17Surely I can sneak in the back way.

00:24:19Apart from visitors, sir.

00:24:20The First Lord may descend on us at any moment.

00:24:21But he doesn't arrive until tomorrow.

00:24:23We don't know that for certain, sir.

00:24:24But we do.

00:24:25Send Commander Fraser's luggage and go to the showroom.

00:24:26I haven't paid my bill yet.

00:24:27All taken care of, sir.

00:24:28Oh.

00:24:33Hi.

00:24:37All right, Jones?

00:24:38Jump to it?

00:24:39Yes, sir.

00:24:52Is Lieutenant Commander Fraser in?

00:24:54To be perfectly honest with you, I don't know.

00:24:56If he's in, then somebody else is out.

00:24:58And if he's out, then somebody else is in.

00:25:00There's somebody else.

00:25:01I couldn't care less whether he's in or out or up or down.

00:25:03I want my oil skins.

00:25:05Your oil skins?

00:25:06Yes.

00:25:07I wish he'd send them back to him so he could give them back to me.

00:25:09I see.

00:25:10I think perhaps the safest move would be for you to contact the Lieutenant Commander on the Sherwood.

00:25:14That's one place he's certain to get to eventually.

00:25:17Can you beat it, eh?

00:25:18I said send them back to me.

00:25:19Now he said you might be out round the light ship.

00:25:22Trying to get round that bit of skirt he was, making cow eyes at her.

00:25:25You could see he got the quivers.

00:25:26His mouth was open.

00:25:27Anything might...

00:25:28Yes, yes.

00:25:29HMS Sherwood.

00:25:30Oh.

00:25:31Thank you, cook.

00:25:33Here, you'd better relax.

00:25:34You've got the quivers too.

00:25:38Yes.

00:25:43Feeling better, sir?

00:25:44Yes, much better, thank you.

00:25:47That was some vault.

00:25:48How much further?

00:25:49Just coming into the dockyard now, sir.

00:25:51The dockyard?

00:25:57Good morning, sir.

00:25:58Lieutenant Commander Fraser, HMS Sherwood.

00:25:59Carry on, sir, please.

00:26:03Now, wait a minute.

00:26:04You don't understand.

00:26:06You've got to stop this car immediately.

00:26:08I know just how you feel, sir.

00:26:09Only a couple of hundred yards to go.

00:26:10Try and hold out.

00:26:13You shouldn't have said that.

00:26:29Easy does it, sir.

00:26:31Keep coming in.

00:26:32Keep coming in.

00:26:41Look, I must get to a telephone.

00:26:43You understand, it's imperative that I get to a telephone.

00:26:45Now, don't worry about a thing, sir.

00:26:46There's a shoreline in your cabin.

00:26:47But I...

00:26:49Right, get me there quick.

00:27:01Very nice.

00:27:02Well done.

00:27:03Telephone.

00:27:09Downstairs.

00:27:10Downstairs.

00:27:15Are you all right, sir?

00:27:16Yes, yes.

00:27:17Yes, thank you.

00:27:18Lucky you didn't break anything, sir.

00:27:20This sword, which keeps getting between my legs.

00:27:22Would you be kind enough to put it in the cloakroom?

00:27:24Thank you so much.

00:27:25Your cabin's down there, sir.

00:27:27Your luggage came yesterday.

00:27:29What about the telephone?

00:27:30In your cabin, sir.

00:27:31Perhaps the waiter could get me some coffee.

00:27:34Black, sir?

00:27:35Jet black.

00:27:39What's he doing?

00:27:40Sir.

00:27:41We had a line fault this morning, sir.

00:27:42Not fixed, okay, sir?

00:27:43Nearly, sir.

00:27:44Shall we carry on, sir?

00:27:45Oh, good heavens, yes.

00:27:46Carry on.

00:27:47Let everybody carry on, just as if I wasn't here.

00:27:48Perhaps in the meantime you'd care to join us in the boardroom, sir.

00:27:50Yes, I'd like...

00:27:51No, I think it'd be safer...

00:27:52Better if I stay here.

00:27:53Yes, sir.

00:27:54No, I think it'd be safer...

00:27:55Better if I stay here.

00:27:57I hope your quarters are all right, sir.

00:27:58Oh, yes, very snug.

00:28:00Perhaps somebody might open the window?

00:28:03Yes, sir.

00:28:07First visitors aboard, sir.

00:28:08Thank you, sir.

00:28:09Any further orders, sir?

00:28:10No, no.

00:28:11Do what you always do.

00:28:12Give them tea, crumpets, anything you like.

00:28:14Tea and crumpets, sir?

00:28:15Oh, the taxpayer's got to be allowed to inspect his property sooner or later.

00:28:17Scratch the paint, chuck cigarette ends around.

00:28:19Yes, sir.

00:28:20They've all got votes, you know.

00:28:21Carry on, number one...

00:28:22Oh.

00:28:24Carry on.

00:28:25Yes, sir.

00:28:26And you carry on, too.

00:28:27Yes, sir.

00:28:28Aye, aye, sir.

00:28:32How is he?

00:28:33He's still tight, stale tight.

00:28:35That's the only explanation.

00:28:36Looks like we've got a bottle a day, man.

00:28:40I wonder if I could transfer to another ship.

00:28:42I don't think I can stand six months of this.

00:28:44We'd better keep it from the ratings.

00:28:45If anyone asks, he's got flu.

00:28:46Full of penicillin.

00:28:47Charles!

00:28:49Lieutenant!

00:28:51Sir!

00:28:52Morning, Dobby.

00:28:53Oh, good morning, Miss Dashwood.

00:28:54Morning, brother.

00:28:55I thought you were coming to lunch.

00:28:56Darling, I can't.

00:28:57May I?

00:28:58Oh, of course.

00:28:59Jane Godfrey's invited me to Admiralty House.

00:29:00Isn't it exciting?

00:29:01I'm going to meet Thomas Baker, the new PPS to the First Lords.

00:29:03Is that so exciting?

00:29:04It is for me.

00:29:05Susan won't rest until she's on the board of the Admiralty.

00:29:07And the board of the Admiralty could do with a woman.

00:29:09You're speaking theoretically, I trust.

00:29:10Well, come on, where is he?

00:29:11Where is who?

00:29:12The new exhibit.

00:29:13Shh, Susan, please.

00:29:14Well, you don't think I've driven all this way just to take a look at you two.

00:29:17If you're referring to the new captain, he's in his cabin.

00:29:19Then I'm going to take a peek.

00:29:21Susan!

00:29:22Miss Dashwood!

00:29:23Miss Dashwood!

00:29:24He's a little under the weather.

00:29:26Oh, sticky night.

00:29:27Whiskey with gin chasers.

00:29:28Well, at least he's got color.

00:29:30It's a gray-green one this morning.

00:29:31All right, then you can both give me a drink in the wardroom.

00:29:33Oh, yeah, wait a minute.

00:29:34Wait a minute.

00:29:35Why, what's the matter?

00:29:36I'd like to try a whiskey and gin chaser.

00:29:38Susan!

00:29:39Oh, for heaven's sake.

00:29:45Oh, hello, sir.

00:29:46Did you want anything?

00:29:47No, no.

00:29:48He's still fixing the telephone.

00:29:49I thought perhaps I'd take a breather upstairs if you don't mind.

00:29:52Oh, this is my sister, sir.

00:29:54Oh, how do you do, Miss Dashwood?

00:29:55Susan.

00:29:56Susan.

00:29:57We're just going to have a drink in the wardroom, sir.

00:29:58Why don't you join us?

00:29:59No, I think I'll keep an eye on the telephone.

00:30:00But you said they were still fixing it.

00:30:01Come on, I've driven all this way just to take a look at you.

00:30:03You haven't.

00:30:04Oh, shush.

00:30:05I know all about the captain.

00:30:06Do you?

00:30:07I looked you up in the Navy list.

00:30:08You were in Russian convoys and submarines during the war.

00:30:10I was in Russian convoys.

00:30:11If I think, perhaps I will have a drink.

00:30:12Fine!

00:30:14Were you in the August the 15th show, sir?

00:30:16Dive bombers are pretty hot, aren't they?

00:30:17Well, actually, I found the intense cold was the worst.

00:30:20What, in August?

00:30:21Oh, yes.

00:30:22It's freezing in Finland all the year round.

00:30:24A bit of potential darkness.

00:30:25Thank yourself.

00:30:26Excuse me, sir.

00:30:27There's a private launch alongside.

00:30:28The coxswain's asking for Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

00:30:29Oh, well, what does he want?

00:30:30Oil skin, sir.

00:30:31Oil skin?

00:30:32He says that you borrowed his oil skin.

00:30:33Oh, yes, yes, yes.

00:30:34That's right.

00:30:35It was raining.

00:30:36Ask him to come back later.

00:30:37I haven't unpacked yet.

00:30:38Johnny, you'd better see to this.

00:30:39I really must go back to the telephone.

00:30:40It's the most urgent call.

00:30:41If you'll excuse me.

00:30:48It's a silly thing to have in a boat, isn't it?

00:30:50Well, for heaven's sake.

00:30:52That's putting it mildly.

00:30:53Does one go to Finland with a Russian convoy?

00:30:55One does not.

00:30:56He's raving.

00:30:57Pity.

00:30:58He's rather attractive.

00:30:59I think I'll stick around for a while.

00:31:00Look, don't you have to get rid of this baker character?

00:31:01But there's plenty of time.

00:31:02Woolly's only just left to pick him up.

00:31:03Can I get you a drink, miss?

00:31:04Yes, I'll have a whiskey and gin chaser.

00:31:12Give me a cigarette, will you?

00:31:13You're already smoking, sir.

00:31:14Oh, yes.

00:31:15So I have.

00:31:21Good morning.

00:31:22Good morning.

00:31:23From Admiralty House, for Mr. Thomas Baker.

00:31:24Oh, yes.

00:31:25You're the gentleman who's been calling.

00:31:26He's not still sleeping.

00:31:27I'll try him again.

00:31:28Perhaps he's dead.

00:31:41Hello?

00:31:44Hello?

00:31:47All right.

00:31:50All right.

00:31:53I'm coming.

00:32:05Hello?

00:32:08Hello.

00:32:10Please. Please, a little quieter.

00:32:13Now, what were you saying?

00:32:15Oh, excuse me, sir. The Commander-in-Chief's flag lieutenant is here for you.

00:32:19Yes, I'm quite sure.

00:32:21Good morning, sir. I brought the C&C's car for you.

00:32:24The C&C's car? Good Lord, does he know about it?

00:32:28He ordered it.

00:32:30Oh, well, you better come right up.

00:32:33Yes.

00:32:35The C&C.

00:32:39Oh, Peter Frazer, you were stinking last night.

00:32:53Come in.

00:32:55Oh, it's me, sir.

00:32:57Hello.

00:32:58I'm very honoured to meet you, sir.

00:33:00I'm very honoured to meet you.

00:33:02This is very civil of you.

00:33:04I'm very honoured to meet you, sir.

00:33:06I'm very honoured to meet you.

00:33:07This is very civil of the Admiral.

00:33:09Oh, he checked up you didn't have transport of your own.

00:33:11Is this part of the new Navy reforms?

00:33:13Oh, that's very good.

00:33:16Is it?

00:33:17Naval reforms.

00:33:18Oh, well, I'll be right back.

00:33:20I've just got to see somebody down the passage.

00:33:22No, no, wrong sex.

00:33:24I'll be right back.

00:33:30Oh, good morning. Where's Mr. Baker?

00:33:32Oh, who's he?

00:33:33He was in here last night.

00:33:34Oh, there were so many people in here last night.

00:33:36No, no, no, dear. The tall, thin one. He was in here with me.

00:33:38In uniform?

00:33:39Yes, part of the time.

00:33:40Oh, he's gone.

00:33:41Gone? Gone where?

00:33:42Well, don't ask me. The Vice Admiral came in and took him away.

00:33:45Vice Admiral? Holy cats!

00:33:50How long will it take to get there?

00:33:51Oh, about ten minutes.

00:33:52Right, let's go. We're in a great hurry.

00:34:04Oh, send my bill to the ship.

00:34:05The ship?

00:34:06HMS Sherwood, Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

00:34:08Good morning.

00:34:12Harbour Hotel?

00:34:13Who?

00:34:14Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

00:34:16No, he went out this morning.

00:34:18Or just now.

00:34:19All right, then put me through to Mr. Baker.

00:34:21It's absolutely imperative that I speak to him.

00:34:23Gone where?

00:34:24Admiralty House?

00:34:26Hello?

00:34:27Get me Admiralty House priority.

00:34:29Who is it?

00:34:31Who is it?

00:34:33Your coffee, sir.

00:34:34Oh, thank you.

00:34:38Thank you very much.

00:34:40Carry on.

00:34:45There won't be any piping aboard or anything of that, will there?

00:34:47Oh, no. The Admiral's saving all that for the First Lord.

00:34:50Fine, I can change his clothes.

00:34:51Here we are.

00:34:52But this isn't the dockyard.

00:34:54Good Lord, no. This is Admiralty House.

00:34:59Look, I don't want Admiralty House. I want to go to...

00:35:01Welcome aboard, Mr. Baker. Welcome aboard.

00:35:03Thank heavens for a sense of humour.

00:35:05One needs one these days.

00:35:07Oh, this is my flag, Lieutenant.

00:35:09Oh, you've met him?

00:35:11Well, don't stand talking there.

00:35:13Bring him in.

00:35:14Yes, sir.

00:35:15Look, sir, sir. I don't know quite how to explain...

00:35:16Not another word until you've made your phone call.

00:35:18Bring him in, Willie. Bring him in.

00:35:20Phone call?

00:35:21Yes.

00:35:22But, sir...

00:35:23What you don't understand...

00:35:24A few minutes ago from the Sherwood.

00:35:25Sherwood?

00:35:26Most urgent. Priority.

00:35:28What was his name, Willie?

00:35:30Mr. Baker, sir.

00:35:31No, not his name.

00:35:33The man that phoned.

00:35:34I wasn't here, sir.

00:35:35Why are you never here?

00:35:37Do not...

00:35:38Fraser, I've got it, yes.

00:35:39Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

00:35:40I thought of it, yes.

00:35:41Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

00:35:43Lieutenant Commander Fraser?

00:35:44Yes, sir, sir.

00:35:45He wants you to call him on the ship right away.

00:35:47Where is he?

00:35:48In the hall, sir.

00:35:49What's he doing there?

00:35:50Mr. Baker?

00:35:51Are you sure he said Lieutenant Commander Fraser, sir?

00:35:52Quite sure.

00:35:53He said it about eight times.

00:35:55He was in quite a state.

00:35:57Now, where would you like to take it?

00:35:59I'll get it ready for you.

00:36:00In the garden, here, or in the study.

00:36:03My granddaughters put telephones everywhere.

00:36:07You'll even find one in the lavatory.

00:36:09In the study, sir, if you don't mind.

00:36:10Willie, in the study.

00:36:12Well, well, this is a lovely surprise for us, Mr. Baker.

00:36:16I suppose you and I will have a lot of interesting things to talk about.

00:36:20I suppose we will, sir.

00:36:21You being so close to the First Lord, you could tell me some startling things.

00:36:28Make your hair curl, sir.

00:36:29That's what we want.

00:36:30A shake-up.

00:36:31Too many young whippersnappers thinking they know it all.

00:36:34Have a sherry.

00:36:35No, thanks, sir.

00:36:36I won't drink.

00:36:37You won't drink?

00:36:38This morning.

00:36:39Willie!

00:36:40Willie!

00:36:41Sir.

00:36:42Now what are you doing?

00:36:43Getting on to the servants, sir.

00:36:44Oh, yes, of course, father.

00:36:45The man's a blithering idiot.

00:36:47We're having lunch before we discuss tomorrow's arrangements.

00:36:51Good idea, sir.

00:36:52And we're lunching in the garden, if you're not allergic to flowers or anything.

00:36:55Not to flowers, sir.

00:36:56Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

00:36:57Yes?

00:36:58He's on the phone, sir.

00:36:59Oh, yes, of course, the phone.

00:37:02Excuse me.

00:37:07Hello?

00:37:08Tom?

00:37:09What the devil are you doing there?

00:37:10If it comes to that, what the devil are you doing there?

00:37:12Yes, well, mine's an even longer story, and I'm relying on you to shorten it as quickly as possible.

00:37:16Yes, they think I'm you.

00:37:18My cabin.

00:37:19Your cabin.

00:37:20Holy cats, you must get off that ship as quickly as possible.

00:37:23Shut up a minute while I think.

00:37:25Yes, I'll inform the First Lord about that just as soon as he arrives.

00:37:29Yes, that's what I said.

00:37:31No, I'm not mad somebody came in.

00:37:33Now listen, you must go straight to the hotel.

00:37:35The moment you get there, call me here.

00:37:37Yes, then I'll join the ship, ball the tar out of them for accepting you as an imposter,

00:37:42and start a hue and cry for you.

00:37:44You do the same this end.

00:37:46It's not so easy to get out of here.

00:37:47Every time I want to go upstairs, I have to pass the ward room.

00:37:50The boat's built so stupidly.

00:37:52All right, then wait till she fills up a bit with visitors.

00:37:55They have a marine band later and then slip off.

00:37:58But for Pete's sake, keep your head, I can be court-martialed for this.

00:38:01And I can get thrown out of the government.

00:38:03And more than that, you know what worries me?

00:38:05This isn't the only place where they have visiting days.

00:38:07Listen, if you think you have troubles, what about me?

00:38:09I'm up to my naval handbook.

00:38:23Come in, Bengal. Come in. Everything all right?

00:38:25For the moment, sir.

00:38:26Well, I expect you two know each other already.

00:38:29You're both members of the best club in London?

00:38:31We are.

00:38:32Isn't that what they call the House of Commons?

00:38:34Oh, the House of Commons.

00:38:35No, I don't think we've met.

00:38:37This is Sir Henry Tomkinson, our local member.

00:38:39And this is Mr... Mr... I thought you both knew each other.

00:38:43Oh, I'm a new boy, sir.

00:38:44Are you a maiden?

00:38:45No, sir, I'm a new boy.

00:38:46Yes, well, have you made your maiden speech yet?

00:38:48Oh, yes, several times.

00:38:49Strange, I haven't seen you.

00:38:51I'm Mr... Parliamentary Private Secretary to the First Lord.

00:38:55PPS.

00:38:56Well, by George, this is a surprise.

00:38:58It was to me.

00:38:59Yes, well, sit down, sit down.

00:39:00And you can both talk yourselves through.

00:39:02Shall we, sir?

00:39:03Ah, yes.

00:39:04So, Mr Baker, you're a member of the present government, eh?

00:39:07Well, only in a very small way.

00:39:09Never mind.

00:39:10We won't hold it against you.

00:39:11What's your constituency?

00:39:12Constituency?

00:39:13Oh, constituency.

00:39:15Wormskirk.

00:39:16Wormskirk? By George, then you must have unseized my old friend Fairfax.

00:39:20Yes, I must.

00:39:21Mr Baker's a nephew of Lord McGallister, the fourth Earl.

00:39:25His mother...

00:39:26Yes, yes, he knows what his mother was.

00:39:28This is most interesting.

00:39:29Then you must be a relation of my old friend Lady Rachel Crumper.

00:39:32Only a distant one.

00:39:33I suppose the poor old lady lives very quietly nowadays.

00:39:36Yes, we practically never hear her at all.

00:39:38Tell me, has that husband of hers pulled himself together?

00:39:41Or does he still suffer from bouts?

00:39:43We try not to mention the subject.

00:39:45Of course, of course.

00:39:46Forgive me.

00:39:47Forgive what I said.

00:39:48With pleasure.

00:39:49Grant, I don't know what to do about lunch.

00:39:51Susan hasn't arrived yet.

00:39:52Lunch? Grace's got eight bells already.

00:39:54Well, well, if it isn't Miss Jane.

00:39:56I'm getting bonnier every day.

00:39:58Several inches too bonny.

00:39:59Is everything all right?

00:40:00I'd like to know her better.

00:40:02And how is Sir Henry?

00:40:03Still in the forefront of the battle?

00:40:04Well, duty still calls, you know.

00:40:06I've tried to retire, but the public won't let me go.

00:40:08They nearly did last time, didn't they?

00:40:10What was your majority?

00:40:1127.

00:40:12Certainly not. There was a recount.

00:40:13What was it then?

00:40:1429.

00:40:15Oh, pardon me.

00:40:16Jane, we mustn't forget our guest of honour.

00:40:18Where is he?

00:40:19Oh, there.

00:40:20Mr Baker?

00:40:21My granddaughter.

00:40:22How do you do?

00:40:23Fine, thanks.

00:40:24And you?

00:40:25Will you take that damn plant out of his face?

00:40:28We were waiting for a girlfriend of mine

00:40:29who's dying to meet you.

00:40:30Oh, I wouldn't wait if I were you.

00:40:32I'm so sorry.

00:40:33Of course not.

00:40:34Richard goes late.

00:40:35She can meet him some other time.

00:40:37Ring for lunch, will you?

00:40:38Yes, sir.

00:40:39This must be quite a surprise to you.

00:40:40I mean, I expect you expected Tom Baker

00:40:42to be some fat, bald-headed old man.

00:40:44Well, I certainly never expected...

00:40:45No, no, of course not.

00:40:46Just like you.

00:40:47I never expected someone like you

00:40:48to be Admiral Neptune's granddaughter.

00:40:50Admiral...

00:40:52Telephone.

00:40:53Must be for me.

00:40:54Admiralty House.

00:40:56Yes.

00:40:57On board the Sherwood.

00:40:59Yes.

00:41:00Very good.

00:41:02A message from Miss Susan.

00:41:03She says, will you forgive her?

00:41:04She's lunching on board the Sherwood

00:41:06with Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

00:41:10Skol.

00:41:13Skol.

00:41:14Now, what about this lunch, will it?

00:41:38Tea and crumpets.

00:41:39If this ever gets round the harbour,

00:41:40we'll never live it down.

00:41:41The Cleopatra's already asked

00:41:42when we start the Tombola.

00:41:43Where is he now?

00:41:44Wandering around the ship somewhere.

00:41:45He doesn't seem to know where he is.

00:41:46I've stopped him half over the gangway twice.

00:41:48I'm trying to make up my mind

00:41:49whether he's tight or barmy.

00:41:50Look, mister,

00:41:51my kids want to see the torpedoes.

00:41:53Torpedoes, yes.

00:41:54Along there on the port side.

00:41:55Port side?

00:41:56That's where they got those postcards.

00:41:58Postcards?

00:41:59Don't you talk about those postcards, Alfie.

00:42:01You're a baby.

00:42:10Lieutenant Commander.

00:42:13Hello.

00:42:14What are you trying to do?

00:42:15Abandon ship or something?

00:42:18Whatever makes you say that.

00:42:19You haven't answered my question.

00:42:22Why should I want to abandon ship?

00:42:24You tell me.

00:42:25Are you a dipso, a skitso, or a nut?

00:42:28I feel like all three.

00:42:31Tell me, how much do you know?

00:42:33Only that your geography is very shaky,

00:42:35Finland and Russian convoys don't tie up,

00:42:37and you're wearing grey socks.

00:42:42Come to my cabin.

00:42:43Hey, wait a minute.

00:42:44Wait a minute!

00:42:45Please, I've got to tell someone or bust.

00:42:47I promise not to drag you or anything.

00:42:51The truth, the whole truth?

00:42:52So help me.

00:42:57Why don't they put proper banisters on the...

00:42:59Did you hear to...

00:43:00Shh!

00:43:07Susan, Miss Susan,

00:43:08I am not Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

00:43:10More?

00:43:11You know what this is?

00:43:12It appears to be a House of Commons pass.

00:43:14It is, it's mine.

00:43:15I'm Thomas Baker.

00:43:16You know I had a hunch?

00:43:17You did?

00:43:18Baker, the Parliament pin-up.

00:43:19The lady wins a cigar.

00:43:20Well, how did you hunch?

00:43:21Intuition may be your coincidence.

00:43:23I've seen your picture somewhere,

00:43:24and I was supposed to lunch with you

00:43:25at Admiralty House today.

00:43:26Oh, that would have been wonderful.

00:43:27Instead, I lunched with you here.

00:43:29That was terrible.

00:43:30But what are you doing on this ship?

00:43:32Trying to get off it.

00:43:33But every time I get to the gangway,

00:43:34somebody tries to stop me.

00:43:35What's that?

00:43:36What's what?

00:43:37The band stopped playing.

00:43:38Why has the band stopped?

00:43:39Probably for breath.

00:43:40You've had them playing since noon.

00:43:41You see what a state I'm in?

00:43:43Susan, you have a beautiful face.

00:43:45A kind face.

00:43:46Don't ever give it away.

00:43:47The game, I mean.

00:43:48That depends on your story.

00:43:49After all, it's your brother's job

00:43:50to find me out, not yours.

00:43:51So far, he only thinks you're tight.

00:43:53Susan, sit down.

00:43:56The story goes back to the time

00:43:57when I was a ping-pong ball.

00:43:59On a fountain in Trafalgar Square.

00:44:11Excuse me, sir.

00:44:12Yes?

00:44:13Signal for the captain, sir.

00:44:14Well, I'm not the captain.

00:44:15No, sir.

00:44:16Come find him, sir.

00:44:17Have you tried his cabin?

00:44:18No, sir.

00:44:19Well, try that.

00:44:20If he's not there, bring it back to me.

00:44:21Aye, aye, sir.

00:44:22Now, what can that be?

00:44:24More trouble?

00:44:25Do you mean we can have more?

00:44:30And you mean he's at Admiralty House now?

00:44:32Yes, and he's waiting for me to get to the hotel.

00:44:34I can't wait to see the Admiral's face.

00:44:36Now, Susan, I put my trust in you.

00:44:38Relax.

00:44:39We're going to get you off this ship.

00:44:40You know, I could kiss you for this.

00:44:41Well, you're not going to.

00:44:42You're going to go up on deck,

00:44:43and in a few minutes, I'll come up

00:44:44and ask you to escort me to my car.

00:44:46You wouldn't like to do that, would you?

00:44:47No, I wouldn't.

00:44:48I wouldn't.

00:44:49I wouldn't.

00:44:50I wouldn't.

00:44:51I wouldn't.

00:44:52I wouldn't.

00:44:53I wouldn't.

00:44:54I wouldn't.

00:44:55I wouldn't.

00:44:56I wouldn't.

00:44:57I wouldn't.

00:44:58You wouldn't like to be my

00:44:59Parliamentary Private Secretary, would you?

00:45:01Jump to it, ma'am.

00:45:02Jump to it, ma'am.

00:45:08Now, excuse me, will you?

00:45:10What's up, Captain?

00:45:12Not in his cabin, sir.

00:45:14All right.

00:45:18What's up?

00:45:21This is all we need.

00:45:22Signal to all ships.

00:45:23First law's in port now.

00:45:24Wasn't that tomorrow?

00:45:25Oh, that's what he likes doing.

00:45:26Catches everyone on the hop.

00:45:27Couldn't say that again.

00:45:37Oh, Captain, sir.

00:45:39Number one.

00:45:40The signal just received, sir.

00:45:41The First Lord's here.

00:45:43What, on board?

00:45:44No, sir.

00:45:45Sure.

00:45:46But this is terrible.

00:45:47Terribly good news.

00:45:49I'll tell you that part by gunpowder.

00:45:51Who's not compressed there?

00:45:52I'll compress the both of you in a moment.

00:45:53Now we've had quite enough of this nonsense.

00:45:55Look, mister, will you come and settle this argument,

00:45:57or there'll be attitude all day.

00:45:58That's right.

00:45:59Will you be quiet?

00:46:01Now then, listen.

00:46:03Well now, boys, what is it you want to know?

00:46:05He says the torpedoes are fired by gunpowder.

00:46:07And he says it's compressed there.

00:46:10And you want to know which is right?

00:46:12Yes.

00:46:15Tell them, number one.

00:46:17Well, the torpedo itself is discharged by gunpowder charge.

00:46:19Gunpowder charge.

00:46:20The carriage swings out.

00:46:21Swings out.

00:46:22How?

00:46:23It swings out.

00:46:25Show them, number one.

00:46:27Yes, sir.

00:46:28Come on, follow me.

00:46:38Discharged by gunpowder.

00:46:39You knew, of course.

00:46:41We're just showing them how.

00:46:55Would you like to explain, sir?

00:46:56No, no.

00:46:57Carry on, number one.

00:46:58Well, they're all controlled from here.

00:47:00If you press this switch, it swings them out.

00:47:02Yes, this one here.

00:47:04You see?

00:47:05It swings them out.

00:47:06They're generally fired from the bridge,

00:47:08but they can be fired from that switch there.

00:47:10Yes, that one there.

00:47:11Come and watch it!

00:47:20There's a motor going right across its course, sir.

00:47:22To port, you fools!

00:47:23To port!

00:47:24Come, you idiots.

00:47:25See?

00:47:26It's the First Lord's barrage.

00:47:27What?

00:47:28What?

00:47:34It's the First Lord.

00:47:35Yes.

00:47:36It's all right.

00:47:37He's in the water.

00:47:38He's up.

00:47:39He's down.

00:47:40He's up.

00:47:41Get a boat, quick.

00:47:42Admiral's launch.

00:47:43Sub.

00:47:44Blankets.

00:47:45First aid.

00:47:48Excuse me, sir.

00:47:49Could I speak to you, sir?

00:47:50Is there anything I can do to help?

00:47:51Can we go below, sir?

00:47:52As quickly as possible, sir.

00:47:54Excuse me.

00:47:56I'm really most terribly sorry it went off in my hat.

00:47:59Yes, I'm sure.

00:48:00It's the silliest thing that happened, wasn't it?

00:48:01I'm so sorry.

00:48:02You're not angry, are you?

00:48:05Lasswood!

00:48:06Lasswood, open this door!

00:48:07Lasswood!

00:48:08What are you doing?

00:48:09Number one!

00:48:10I said I was sorry!

00:48:11Number one, open the door!

00:48:12Lasswood!

00:48:15Boat away, sir.

00:48:16Good.

00:48:17Now get a doctor down to the captain.

00:48:18I think he's gone balmy.

00:48:19Sub.

00:48:20Lieutenant Commander Fraser suffering from hallucinations.

00:48:23Violent and unable to discharge his duties.

00:48:26I'm making arrangements to transfer from ship to hospital for observation.

00:48:30Have assumed command and await your instructions.

00:48:46Now look, Doctor.

00:48:47I realise that I'm in a uniform that I shouldn't be in.

00:48:49That I was on a boat that I shouldn't have been on.

00:48:51And that I fired a torpedo that I shouldn't have fired.

00:48:53But the fact remains I am Thomas Baker,

00:48:56Parliamentary Private Secretary to the First Lord.

00:48:58And when did you first feel this?

00:49:00Feel what?

00:49:01This delusion of dual personality.

00:49:03Delusion of dual?

00:49:04There's nothing dual about me, Doctor.

00:49:06I'm Thomas Baker, Parliamentary Private Secretary to the First Lord.

00:49:09Yes!

00:49:10Yes.

00:49:11Fine.

00:49:12Now just come over here, will you, Fraser?

00:49:13I'm not Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

00:49:15I'm Thomas Baker!

00:49:16Yes, we have all that down.

00:49:17We want to go on from there.

00:49:18And back from there.

00:49:19Lie down, Fraser.

00:49:20I don't want to lie down.

00:49:21You want me to listen to your story, don't you?

00:49:22I can tell it standing up.

00:49:23Yes, well just lie down and relax.

00:49:25You'll find it much easier to think lying down.

00:49:27You see, what we don't want you to get is a guilt complex about this.

00:49:30You mustn't think that you're the only one who feels this way.

00:49:32I know I'm not.

00:49:33There's another one at Admiralty House.

00:49:34Exactly.

00:49:35There are other ones all around us, Fraser.

00:49:37Once we realise that, we're halfway home.

00:49:40Now, let's try and probe back and find out where it all started.

00:49:44It all started in Trafalgar Square on VJ night.

00:49:47What were you doing?

00:49:48I was sitting on...

00:49:49No, this will get us nowhere.

00:49:50You mustn't feel ashamed of this, Fraser.

00:49:52I assure you we run into cases like yours every day.

00:49:55I very much doubt it.

00:49:56I know that we do.

00:49:57If we ferret out the problem and nail it down, you'll know exactly what to do.

00:50:00Look, all I want to do is to get out of this uniform and back into civilian clothes.

00:50:04Exactly.

00:50:05This fixation that you're a civilian stems from a frustrated subconscious desire to get out of the Navy.

00:50:09I am not in the Navy, and I never was in the Navy!

00:50:12Now, Fraser.

00:50:13Fraser, you must not get upset.

00:50:15We're all here to help you.

00:50:16Well, you're not helping me!

00:50:17You're driving me nuts!

00:50:20Now, let's try and think back, shall we?

00:50:22When did you first begin to hate the First Lord?

00:50:25I don't hate him.

00:50:27He became the focal point of your inward struggle,

00:50:29the man who, in your mind, represented the authority you wished to cast aside.

00:50:33I'm not trying to cast anything aside.

00:50:35I work for the First Lord.

00:50:37I don't hate him.

00:50:38I respect him a lot.

00:50:39Yet, you had this urge to destroy him.

00:50:41Doctor, I keep telling you.

00:50:43I pressed the button by mistake.

00:50:45I didn't know it was loaded.

00:50:47I didn't know the First Lord was in the bay.

00:50:49Now, listen.

00:50:50Doctor, I'm trying to control myself, but I'm finding it very difficult.

00:50:52And I warn you, if you go on, I may go mad.

00:50:55And I might do something rather peculiar.

00:50:57Drink this.

00:50:58You'll feel better.

00:50:59No, thank you.

00:51:00It's really quite harmless.

00:51:01I've read about those.

00:51:02They give them to girls.

00:51:03It's only a sedative.

00:51:04Yeah, that's what they're all told.

00:51:05Then they wind up dancing in a nightclub in Buenos Aires.

00:51:08As you wish.

00:51:10Sir?

00:51:11Lieutenant Commander Fraser is to be placed in the observation ward.

00:51:14He's to have tea, soft drinks, anything he requires, but no stimulants.

00:51:17Yes, sir.

00:51:18Now, look.

00:51:19Those things that were taken out of my pockets.

00:51:21There was a House of Commons pass.

00:51:22We never go through personal belongings, sir.

00:51:24But I want you to go through my personal belongings.

00:51:26It's against the regulations, sir.

00:51:27Doctor, tell him to go through my personal belongings.

00:51:29Now, you just toddle along upstairs, Fraser.

00:51:31We'll have you straightened out in no time at all.

00:51:33There's a good, sir.

00:51:34You mustn't feel there's anything to be ashamed of, sir.

00:51:36I'm not ashamed.

00:51:37And I'm not fixated.

00:51:40I keep telling you I'm Thomas Baker.

00:51:42Parliamentary Party Secretary to the First Lord!

00:51:45I want to send a signal to Admiralty House.

00:51:48So, I said.

00:52:05I consider your government the greatest national disaster since 1066.

00:52:09Gladstone.

00:52:10Grandpa, Willie wants you.

00:52:14Give him a nudge, will you?

00:52:16What, me nudge him?

00:52:17Well, you're the senior officer at this table.

00:52:22Excuse me, sir.

00:52:23This is rather urgent.

00:52:24Not now, Willie.

00:52:25Later.

00:52:26But, sir, this is...

00:52:27No, not now.

00:52:28We're about to have lunch.

00:52:29We've just finished lunch, Gran.

00:52:31Of course we have.

00:52:32Willie, you're a fool.

00:52:33Go away.

00:52:34Well, I don't like to be the type that rushes off right after lunch.

00:52:37But the Town Council calls at 2.30.

00:52:40Oh, must you go?

00:52:41Get Sir Henry's hat, Willie.

00:52:42Nice of you to have had it.

00:52:44Here.

00:52:46Well, Mr. Baker, it's been a pleasure to have met you.

00:52:48I hope and look forward to crossing swords with you in the house.

00:52:51It's much better in the house.

00:52:52Too many flies and bugs there.

00:52:54I can't stand it.

00:52:55My dear, old in years but young in spirit.

00:52:59Miss Jane, please.

00:53:01Look, I don't know what you're thinking.

00:53:02Well, aren't you lucky.

00:53:03When I chose you, I was Peter Fraser.

00:53:04You were lying.

00:53:05That's all right.

00:53:06I'm not really Neptune's daughter, either.

00:53:07Jane!

00:53:08Wow!

00:53:09So, you had a better offer, eh?

00:53:10You won't resent it a minute when I tell you I had the most...

00:53:15Are you...

00:53:16This is Mr. Thomas Baker.

00:53:18Is it?

00:53:19How do you do?

00:53:20Susan Lashwood.

00:53:21Her brother's number one on the show.

00:53:22At this moment, he's captain.

00:53:24The captain's left the ship.

00:53:25Left it?

00:53:26They've battened him down in his cabin with a guard on the door.

00:53:28What have they done that for?

00:53:29This will interest Mr. Baker.

00:53:30Do you know what he did?

00:53:31He fired a torpedo.

00:53:32He did what?

00:53:33Oh, did he hit anything?

00:53:35Only the First Lord's barge.

00:53:36Oh, no.

00:53:37No.

00:53:38This is just a dream.

00:53:40Just a crazy dream.

00:53:41Mr. Baker!

00:53:42Sir?

00:53:43Baker!

00:53:44Come here.

00:53:45I want to talk to you.

00:53:46Yes, sir.

00:53:47Whatever happens, I want you to know that...

00:53:48Baker, Baker, Baker.

00:53:49I want me to know, too.

00:53:51And I'm just the girl to tell you.

00:53:53Once upon a time...

00:53:54Oh, shut the windows.

00:53:55I can't listen to those gaffing females.

00:53:59Now, come and tell me the whole story.

00:54:02The whole?

00:54:03You mean you know?

00:54:04Of course I know.

00:54:05I'm not a fool.

00:54:06Have a cigar.

00:54:07Oh, that's extremely generous of you, sir.

00:54:09Go away, Willie.

00:54:10I'm talking.

00:54:11Now, right from the beginning.

00:54:13The beginning.

00:54:15Well, sir?

00:54:16It all started on VJ night.

00:54:18VJ night?

00:54:19Were they working on it as far back as that?

00:54:21Working on what, sir?

00:54:22Oh, come now, Baker.

00:54:23I know there's going to be a cabinet meeting

00:54:25and they're discussing a successor for the Chief of Staff.

00:54:28Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?

00:54:30Yes.

00:54:31I'm not the blithering idiot everyone thinks I am.

00:54:33I'm sure you're not, sir.

00:54:34I mean, yes.

00:54:35The question is, how long is the short list?

00:54:37The short list?

00:54:39Well, they've boiled it down to two or three names,

00:54:42including yours, of course, sir.

00:54:44Oh, good, I see.

00:54:45Sir?

00:54:46Heavens, Willie, you're worse than a cuckoo clock.

00:54:47Yes, sir.

00:54:48Lieutenant Lashwood of the Sherwoods here, sir.

00:54:50What's he doing here?

00:54:51He wishes to see you, sir.

00:54:52Says it's urgent.

00:54:53Of course, if it's urgent.

00:54:54Oh, you go right ahead, sir.

00:54:55I'll wait in the garden.

00:54:56No, no, no.

00:54:57I'll see him in the hall.

00:54:58In the hall, Willie.

00:55:00Sir?

00:55:01What is it, Lashwood?

00:55:02You got my signal, sir?

00:55:03Signal?

00:55:04What signal?

00:55:05About Lieutenant Commander Fraser, sir.

00:55:07What have I told you about urgent signals?

00:55:09But I tried to tell you, sir.

00:55:10Be quiet.

00:55:11I'm reading.

00:55:18It's almost time to abandon ship, Captain.

00:55:20I'm almost relieved.

00:55:21Who told you?

00:55:22Tom?

00:55:23Threw himself on my mercy, poor lad.

00:55:24And you had him locked up?

00:55:25I did not.

00:55:26I was trying to help him.

00:55:27And he went and sank the First Lord.

00:55:29The important problem now is how to get you all out of this.

00:55:31You mean you're not angry?

00:55:32Angry?

00:55:33I'm hysterical.

00:55:34We've also got to get Parliament's pinup boy off that ship.

00:55:35Look out, Willie.

00:55:36What do you think's happened to the Sherwoods, Captain?

00:55:37He was locked in his cabin.

00:55:38We know that, Willie.

00:55:39No.

00:55:40He's been taken to the psychopathic ward.

00:55:41What?

00:55:42What?

00:55:43Started to act up.

00:55:44He brought a doctor down with a rugby tackle.

00:55:45And pushed a petty officer into the harbour.

00:55:46I must do something.

00:55:47What?

00:55:48I thought you'd ask that.

00:55:49Psychopathic ward.

00:55:50That'll be the naval hospital.

00:55:51Willie, can I borrow your rattletrap?

00:55:52Well, to start it doesn't work.

00:55:53I'll try and get in and see him.

00:55:54And if I can get in, there must be some way to get him out.

00:55:56I'll come with you.

00:55:57Oh, you stay here.

00:55:58Somebody's got to stop the Admiral.

00:55:59Stop the Admiral what?

00:56:00The First Lord's been dumped.

00:56:02If you can get him out, take him to the harbour hotel.

00:56:04Get him to call me here.

00:56:05Better book a room.

00:56:06Got to change somewhere.

00:56:07Phone.

00:56:08Phone.

00:56:09Give me a crank, will you?

00:56:10Oh, yes, of course.

00:56:11I still don't understand.

00:56:12Pick it up as you go along, darling.

00:56:13Hello.

00:56:14Hello.

00:56:15Willie.

00:56:16Here he comes.

00:56:17I'll do that.

00:56:20Hello.

00:56:21Hello.

00:56:22Oh, Grandpa, please.

00:56:23I'm on the phone.

00:56:24Who's that?

00:56:25It's Jane.

00:56:26I'm phoning from the garden.

00:56:27I never heard such nonsense.

00:56:28If you want to talk to me, come in.

00:56:29Sir, if I might say a word.

00:56:30Eh?

00:56:31Sir, the whole thing revolves around battleships or bombers.

00:56:34What whole thing?

00:56:35The short list.

00:56:36As you might imagine, it's a pretty strong one.

00:56:38One might almost say a one.

00:56:40Oh, thank you very much.

00:56:41Between you and me, the man they choose must be progressive.

00:56:44Progress has always been my watchword.

00:56:47I shan't fail to make that known in the correct quarter.

00:56:49That's extremely good of you.

00:56:51Oh, not at all.

00:56:52Credit where credit is due, sir.

00:56:54What's that?

00:56:55Oh, it must be the pipes, I think.

00:56:56It's that damn car of Willie's.

00:56:58Where's he going?

00:56:59Admiral.

00:57:00What?

00:57:01What is the use of a battleship?

00:57:02A battleship?

00:57:03Yes.

00:57:04A battleship.

00:57:05Well, you see, of course there are battleships, and there are battleships.

00:57:09The Board of Admiralty think that a battleship is two penneth of cold gin.

00:57:12Do you agree with that?

00:57:14Well, you see, as a mere sailor, I have no politics.

00:57:18Freedom of opinion is sacred, Admiral.

00:57:20Did you have a whiskey?

00:57:21No, but don't let me stop you.

00:57:23And what did the Board propose doing about it?

00:57:25Amalgamate the Royal Navy with the Air Force.

00:57:29That's quite all right, sir.

00:57:30Great Scott.

00:57:31Is the Navy going to command the Air Force, or the Air Force the Navy?

00:57:34Oh, that's a minor detail, sir, which can be ironed out by the two services in amicable contest.

00:57:38Amicable?

00:57:39Good grief.

00:57:40Why, Napoleon, I mean Nelson, will be turning in his grave.

00:57:43Now, Admiral, what is your candid opinion of this masterly scheme?

00:57:47Well, it takes a bit of getting used to.

00:57:50Ah.

00:57:51But the more I think about it, the more progressive it shall be.

00:57:54I thought you'd say that.

00:57:55What is needed for a job of this kind is a man with a broad national outlook.

00:57:58I entirely agree.

00:57:59Fine.

00:58:00Now, all that remains is for me to convey the gist of this conversation to my chief.

00:58:03Well, that I'm very grateful to you.

00:58:06Of course, it would help me a great deal if I had a brief note from you to add to my report.

00:58:10It was a pleasure, my dear fellow.

00:58:12It was a pleasure.

00:58:13Now, what do you propose?

00:58:16My dear First Lord.

00:58:19Wait a moment.

00:58:20My dear First Lord.

00:58:22Baker has put before me the general proposals.

00:58:27General proposals, yes.

00:58:30For absorbing the navy into the air force.

00:58:34I believe this to be a thoroughly sound scheme, and I'm happy to give it all the support in my power.

00:58:42All the support in my power.

00:58:46Admiral, terse and uncompromising.

00:58:49Thank you, sir.

00:58:50Now, if things take a certain course, my dear Baker, I hope we shall see a lot of each other at the Admiralty.

00:58:56Oh, such time as you can spare from your place at the House of Lords, sir.

00:58:59The House of Lords.

00:59:00My dear boy.

00:59:02My very dear boy.

00:59:21Could I see Lieutenant Commander Fraser, please?

00:59:24After Lieutenant Lashwood's signal, I'm afraid we've got very strict orders about Commander Fraser, miss.

00:59:28I'm Lieutenant Lashwood's sister.

00:59:30Yes, that may be, but...

00:59:31I'm also Lieutenant Commander Fraser's fiancée.

00:59:35Just a minute, miss. I'll make inquiries.

00:59:37All right, all right. So you're the Parliamentary Private Secretary.

00:59:40Don't keep saying it like that.

00:59:42Now, why don't you lie down, sir, and have a bit of shut-eye.

00:59:44I don't want a bit of shut-eye. I had two open eyes. I'll put that on there.

00:59:47Oh, Tar.

00:59:49Now, look, the real captains at Admiralty House phone him, ask him.

00:59:53He'll identify me.

00:59:54Uh-huh.

00:59:55You can get a dozen people down here from London to say I'm me.

00:59:58Well, the First Lord's here already, sir. We could ask him.

01:00:00Yet.

01:00:01No.

01:00:03Look, it doesn't really matter to me whether you're Commander Fraser, Thomas Baker, or King Farouk.

01:00:08All I've got to do is keep you company until the doctor comes.

01:00:11Sir.

01:00:14Observation.

01:00:16What, now?

01:00:18Yeah, right, I will.

01:00:24Well?

01:00:25Your fiancé's coming up, sir.

01:00:27My fiancé?

01:00:28Also, the relief order he takes over from now, so I'll just say happy dreams and do try and have a bit of rest.

01:00:32No, no, did they mention my fiancé's name?

01:00:35No, sir, but don't you worry. He'll come back to you, sir.

01:00:39Mr. Ashford for Commander Fraser.

01:00:41Susan!

01:00:42See, I told you.

01:00:43Tom, darling!

01:00:47Please, are we allowed to be alone?

01:00:49Well, I shouldn't really, miss, but he's been quiet enough. I'll wait outside.

01:00:53Maybe you can get him to lie down.

01:00:57You've done that?

01:00:58I wasn't ready that time.

01:00:59I was supposed to be your fiancé.

01:01:01Oh, if only I could make you an honest woman.

01:01:03Don't talk. Listen, I've come to get you out of here.

01:01:05You wonderful, wonderful girl.

01:01:06The question is how.

01:01:07Susan, darling, why are you doing all this for me?

01:01:09Because I need my head examined.

01:01:10Don't say that here.

01:01:12How high are we?

01:01:13Four stories and the sheets won't reach.

01:01:15Suppose you died and I wheeled the bed out.

01:01:17Suppose I died?

01:01:23Shh!

01:01:29Is Lieutenant Commander Fraser here?

01:01:31Well, yes and no. What did you want?

01:01:33I want me old skins.

01:01:34I seem to have heard this before.

01:01:35Yeah, I went to the show, but they said come back again.

01:01:37So I went back again and they said he was at the hospital.

01:01:39And I say nobody can see him.

01:01:40So I borrow a ladder and I want me oil skins.

01:01:42As a matter of fact, they've just moved the Lieutenant Commander down the passage.

01:01:47Well, you know people have no right to go around pinching other people's oil skins.

01:01:50Down the end of the passage, first door on the right.

01:01:52You see, I was trying to make a pass at this skirt.

01:01:54Making cow eyes at her.

01:01:55He was yours, teenage man.

01:01:56Do not just go straight in.

01:01:58All right, thank you, miss.

01:02:00Okay, Jim, what's this one?

01:02:01It's all down there.

01:02:02Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

01:02:03In case of no battle fatigue.

01:02:05Give her a knock before you go in.

01:02:10Oh, sorry, sir.

01:02:11Excuse me.

01:02:12No, you don't.

01:02:13Knock it, knock it.

01:02:14Who are you shoving?

01:02:15Take it easy, Commander.

01:02:16Hiya, Commander.

01:02:17My name's Salty Simpson.

01:02:18Salty Simpson, eh?

01:02:20That's a new one.

01:02:21First it's Fraser, then it's Baker, and now it's Salty Simpson.

01:02:25Yes, and what's so funny with a name like Salty Simpson?

01:02:29Take it easy, sir.

01:02:30You tell me, will you?

01:02:32Eyes right!

01:02:36Eyes front!

01:02:39Crank it!

01:02:40Crank it?

01:02:41Yes.

01:02:45Kick it!

01:02:46What?

01:02:47Kick it!

01:02:48Where?

01:02:49Anywhere!

01:03:09Mr. Baker, what number?

01:03:21Baker?

01:03:22Baker.

01:03:23Number 14.

01:03:40Alright, off with them!

01:03:46Where the devil have you been?

01:03:55We've been trying to get you at Admiralty house.

01:04:06I've left!

01:04:07You've made a first-class botch-up of everything.

01:04:09I have?

01:04:10Yes, you have.

01:04:11Look who's talking.

01:04:12You get into my uniform.

01:04:13You go aboard my ship.

01:04:14I do not...

01:04:15I'm a Shanghai press gang.

01:04:16Do you know what you can get for impersonating an officer?

01:04:18About half as much as you can get for impersonating a member of Her Majesty's government.

01:04:21I wouldn't have been to Abelarding House if you hadn't phoned me.

01:04:23Well, of course I phoned you.

01:04:24What do you say we put the boat to sea and sail round the Cape?

01:04:26Shut up, both of you, and get changed.

01:04:28Yes, quite right.

01:04:29Get changed and stop talking so much.

01:04:31Susan, would you mind turning your back?

01:04:33We're just a little bit shy.

01:04:36What a chaos if you left for me at Admiralty House.

01:04:38At least I didn't blow it up.

01:04:39Peter Fraser, I consider that remark was uncalled for.

01:04:41So was the torpedo.

01:04:42And so was the gin you plied me with.

01:04:44I have never plied anybody with gin, and certainly not a man.

01:04:47If I hadn't done some pretty quick thinking, we'd both be in jail by now.

01:04:50And if you don't do some pretty quick dressing, you'll both be in the Tower of London by morning.

01:04:53I'd better have a cab standing by.

01:04:54One cab coming up.

01:04:55Pete, when you get back to your boat...

01:04:57Ship!

01:04:58Ship!

01:04:59When you get back to your ship, there may be some difficulty about you being allowed on.

01:05:01You know, they might think you're an imposter.

01:05:03Oh, what makes you think that?

01:05:04I suggest that you'll establish your identity without any trouble,

01:05:06and then the next thing you can do is to give your officers a good tousing for culpable gullibility.

01:05:11You're talking like a white paper.

01:05:12Look, I can deal with the crew.

01:05:14Who is going to deal with the Admiral?

01:05:15Don't worry about him.

01:05:16I can make things very unpleasant for him.

01:05:18After all, let's face it, old fellow, he accepted you without credentials.

01:05:21I think we can probably hush it up between us.

01:05:23And what happens when you go on a tour of inspection with the First Lord,

01:05:25and the first ship you visit is the Sherwood?

01:05:27The $64 question.

01:05:29I'll see that he never gets even anywhere near the Sherwood.

01:05:31Well, you certainly stopped him today.

01:05:33Susan, what are you doing every evening for the next two or three years or so?

01:05:37Jump to it, ma'am.

01:05:38Jump to it.

01:05:39Jump to it, ma'am.

01:05:40Inside your cloth locker.

01:05:41It's all right inside it.

01:05:45Mr. Baker will send the bill.

01:05:46Very good, sir.

01:05:52The bill to Mr. Baker, Admiralty House.

01:05:54Can't stop.

01:06:04Good afternoon, Lieutenant.

01:06:05Lashwood aboard?

01:06:06Yes, sir.

01:06:07I think he's in the wardroom.

01:06:08Shall I?

01:06:09No, that's all right.

01:06:10I'll let Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

01:06:19Blimey, another one.

01:06:33Blimey, another one.

01:07:00Hi.

01:07:04Good afternoon.

01:07:05Admiral Godfrey, please.

01:07:06Yes, sir.

01:07:07And who shall I say?

01:07:08Mr. Thomas Baker.

01:07:09Yes, sir.

01:07:16Thomas Baker.

01:07:21Park, wake up.

01:07:22Hmm?

01:07:23I think Willie wants you.

01:07:24Willie?

01:07:25Mr. Thomas Baker's in the hall, sir.

01:07:26In the hall, here?

01:07:27That's all right.

01:07:28It's not a...

01:07:29It's not a...

01:07:30It's not a...

01:07:31It's not a...

01:07:32That's not our bounds or anything, is it?

01:07:33No, sir.

01:07:34But he's different from the one we had this morning.

01:07:36Different?

01:07:37Willie's right.

01:07:38I saw him arrive.

01:07:39But this is ridiculous.

01:07:40He had lunch with us.

01:07:41Not this one.

01:07:42Shall I bring him in for you to have a look at him?

01:07:43Yes.

01:07:44You do that, Willie.

01:07:45We can't leave him standing there out in the hall.

01:07:46But if he's Baker, who did we have lunch with?

01:07:48Must have been an imposter.

01:07:49Maybe he was a spy.

01:07:51A spy?

01:07:52In Admiralty House?

01:07:53It did seem a bit odd, didn't it?

01:07:55He didn't know Tompkinson either.

01:07:57Where is he now?

01:07:58Well, the last time I saw him,

01:07:59he was going down the drive on your bicycle.

01:08:01My bicycle.

01:08:02My bicycle?

01:08:03I hope he hasn't stolen any of your papers or anything like that.

01:08:06Heavens! That letter!

01:08:10Mr. Thomas Baker, sir.

01:08:13Good afternoon, Edmund.

01:08:14Happy to meet you, Mr. Baker.

01:08:16Very happy to meet you.

01:08:17I have an apology to offer you.

01:08:18I wrote you a letter to tell you that I couldn't lunch and I forgot to post it.

01:08:22That's all right. The lunch wasn't great.

01:08:24Oh, good. I understand that I missed a slight contretemps this morning.

01:08:26I don't know what to say. I took it for granted the man was...

01:08:29It's a good job that nobody was hurt.

01:08:31Oh, that. Disciplinary action has already been taken.

01:08:34Of course, of course.

01:08:36And when can we expect the First Lord?

01:08:39Oh, practically any time. At the moment he's at the Yacht Club drying off.

01:08:42He's all right, eh?

01:08:43In excellent spirits, after he got a few choice phrases off his chest.

01:08:47Lieutenant Lashwood, sir.

01:08:48Lashwood? Oh, that man's becoming a pest.

01:08:51What is it, Lashwood?

01:08:53Yes, I know Lieutenant Commander Fraser's in hospital.

01:08:56What do you mean there's another one?

01:08:58Just come aboard.

01:09:00Well, there can't be two other men.

01:09:02You're suggesting the first one was...

01:09:05Good grief.

01:09:07Well, what about Fraser, number two?

01:09:09How do we know he isn't?

01:09:11You'd better send him here right away.

01:09:14I don't care if his keys do fit his baggage.

01:09:17Send him here.

01:09:19Another contretemps, Admiral?

01:09:21Mr. Baker, it's rather a disturbing matter that I'd like to consult you about.

01:09:25It better.

01:09:26It might even affect the safety of the First Lord.

01:09:28Indeed.

01:09:29The man who fired that torpedo from the Sherwood...

01:09:32It was Lieutenant Commander Fraser, wasn't it?

01:09:34They put him in the psychopathic ward.

01:09:36Oh, poor chap.

01:09:37This afternoon another man arrived on the Sherwood.

01:09:40Well, perhaps he is Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

01:09:42That's what I intend to find out.

01:09:45They're sending him here.

01:09:47Well, that should be interesting.

01:09:48Thank you, sir.

01:09:49But unfortunately, there's more.

01:09:51More?

01:09:52This morning a man came here claiming to be you.

01:09:56Claiming to be me?

01:09:58Of course, we saw through the imposter right away.

01:10:01Of course.

01:10:02But what if they're working together, saboteurs?

01:10:05Saboteurs?

01:10:06One on the Sherwood and the other in Admiralty House.

01:10:09Admiral, I have complete faith in your naval security.

01:10:13Supposing that torpedo wasn't an action?

01:10:15Oh, but it was.

01:10:16I mean, a man is innocent until he's proved guilty.

01:10:18I think I ought to call the police.

01:10:20Admiral, much as I'd hate to stop you,

01:10:22I'd like to talk to you about a certain Admiralty post

01:10:24that we are interested in filling.

01:10:26Oh, the chief is, sir?

01:10:27In confidence, of course.

01:10:28Of course, of course.

01:10:29I thought we'd have a little chat, just the two of us,

01:10:31off the record, before the First Lord arrives.

01:10:33My dear boy.

01:10:34My very dear boy.

01:10:36Have a cigar.

01:10:37Oh, thank you so much.

01:10:39You haven't met my chief, have you?

01:10:42No, I haven't had that pleasure.

01:10:44Oh, he's a charming man.

01:10:45You'll like him.

01:10:46He's a naval fellow through and through, just like you.

01:10:48Why don't we sit down?

01:10:49Why not, indeed?

01:10:50You know, I listen much better when I'm sitting down.

01:10:53Oh, there we are, sir.

01:10:54Now, I want to reassure you on one point.

01:10:56There's probably some uneasiness in your mind

01:10:58with regard to the policy of the government towards the navy.

01:11:00One sometimes wonders.

01:11:02Strictly between ourselves,

01:11:03there is not a lot of love lost

01:11:05between the First Lord and the Air Ministry.

01:11:07Someone has already suggested that.

01:11:09Now, let me come straight to the point.

01:11:11Captain, what is the use of a heavy bomber?

01:11:15A heavy bomber?

01:11:16A heavy bomber.

01:11:17Don't you mean a battleship?

01:11:18No, a heavy bomber.

01:11:19Well, of course there are heavy bombers,

01:11:21and there are heavy bombers.

01:11:23Admiral, my chief's view

01:11:25is that heavy bombers are obsolete.

01:11:28Too pity where the coal's in.

01:11:30Precisely.

01:11:31So, to economize,

01:11:32we propose tipping the wings of the Royal Air Force.

01:11:34Very sound, very sound.

01:11:35You mean abolish them altogether?

01:11:37No, no, just the heavy bombers,

01:11:38which will leave a lot of grounded air marshals.

01:11:40An interesting spectacle.

01:11:42The only thing to be worked out is what to do with them.

01:11:44There's always the National Coal Board.

01:11:47We'll probably absorb them in various working parties.

01:11:50Of course, it's going to be a terrible dogfight.

01:11:52We know that.

01:11:53But it is a policy which you yourself are prepared to back.

01:11:55Progress is my watchword.

01:11:57Good.

01:11:58I was only saying this morning...

01:12:00Well, where should we be with our progress?

01:12:03Then we can count on your support.

01:12:05In consideration to the limit.

01:12:07Fine, I so dare...

01:12:08Oh, and Admiral, one last point.

01:12:10May I communicate your views,

01:12:11in confidence, of course, to the First Lord?

01:12:13Certainly.

01:12:14Oh, by the way,

01:12:15you don't want me to put anything in writing?

01:12:16No, no, quite unnecessary.

01:12:17Ah, that's a relief.

01:12:19Now, sir, with your permission,

01:12:20I'll telephone the yacht club immediately.

01:12:23Yes, you can use the study.

01:12:25Thank you very much.

01:12:27What do you think you're doing there?

01:12:28Answering the bell.

01:12:34Hello.

01:12:35Lieutenant Commander Fraser

01:12:36reporting as ordered to Admiral Godfrey.

01:12:38I just heard the whole story.

01:12:39Never a dull moment, is there?

01:12:42Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

01:12:44Good luck.

01:12:45It's a far, far better thing than I do now.

01:12:46Well, where is he?

01:12:48Ah, good afternoon, Fraser.

01:12:50Good afternoon, sir.

01:12:51Am I out of my senses?

01:12:53You?

01:12:54Yes, sir, with an explanation and an apology.

01:12:56An apology? You're under arrest.

01:12:57Close the rest.

01:12:58Aye, aye, sir.

01:12:59Willie, take charge of this place.

01:13:00Yes, sir.

01:13:01Now, tell me,

01:13:02what do you mean by wearing Her Majesty's uniform?

01:13:05I hold Her Majesty's commission, sir,

01:13:0614 years' service.

01:13:07Then what do you mean,

01:13:08masquerading as a civilian this morning?

01:13:10That's what I should like to explain, sir.

01:13:12Wait here.

01:13:13Yes, sir.

01:13:14Willie, stand by that window.

01:13:16Yes, sir.

01:13:20Who?

01:13:22I understand perfectly, sir.

01:13:23Would you like me to send a car?

01:13:24Come in.

01:13:25Certainly.

01:13:26Yes, I've explained the whole thing to him.

01:13:28Splendid.

01:13:29Goodbye, sir.

01:13:30The First Lord is on his way.

01:13:31Oh, good.

01:13:32This gives me time to dispose of this delicate business.

01:13:36What, another contratoy, Admiral?

01:13:37Bigger.

01:13:38As PPS to the First Lord,

01:13:40I'd like to ask your advice.

01:13:42I'd be only too happy to give it.

01:13:44The officer I have in now

01:13:45is the individual who attempted to impersonate you this morning.

01:13:49No.

01:13:50Come and see.

01:13:54Jane, Susan, what do you think you're doing?

01:13:56Just keeping the Lieutenant Commander company.

01:13:58Keeping him company?

01:13:59He's under close arrest.

01:14:00Why, Pete.

01:14:01Hi, Tom.

01:14:02What are you doing?

01:14:03You old son of a gun.

01:14:04You old son of a gun.

01:14:05You know each other?

01:14:06We know him.

01:14:07Why, my goodness me, we're the greatest of friends.

01:14:08This man's been impersonating me.

01:14:09Until he was detected,

01:14:10he's now under close arrest.

01:14:12Arrest?

01:14:13Admiral, have you reflected on the consequences?

01:14:15That's his problem.

01:14:16On the contrary, I think it's yours.

01:14:17Mine?

01:14:18I caught Marshall on such a chance.

01:14:19Well?

01:14:20Think of the stir.

01:14:21Stir?

01:14:22The terrible publicity.

01:14:23Publicity?

01:14:24Not to mention the jokes in the press.

01:14:25The jokes in the press.

01:14:26Cartoons in the Sunday papers.

01:14:27The Sunday papers?

01:14:28Yes.

01:14:29Think how this might recoil on you, Admiral.

01:14:31On your prestige.

01:14:32At a time when your name may be...

01:14:33Only may be.

01:14:34Only may be appearing before the public

01:14:36in an entirely different connection.

01:14:37You grasp the implications of what I'm saying, Admiral?

01:14:39I'm beginning to.

01:14:40Thank you for pointing them out.

01:14:41What do you suggest?

01:14:42I suggest you leave

01:14:43Lieutenant Commander Fraser entirely to me.

01:14:45I know him well.

01:14:46He's an excellent chap and a first-class seaman.

01:14:48His sense of humour may go a little too far at times,

01:14:50but let me take charge of him,

01:14:51and I'll relieve you of any irksome duty in the matter.

01:14:54That's most kind of you.

01:14:55You're quite sure the First Lord...

01:14:56The First Lord shall not even hear about it.

01:14:59Let us appraise Fraser of our decision.

01:15:03What an excellent idea.

01:15:06Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

01:15:07Yes, sir?

01:15:08Mr. Biggar has interceded on your behalf.

01:15:11Thank you, Mr. Biggar.

01:15:12He's undertaken to deal with your case personally,

01:15:14semi-officially, as it were,

01:15:17so you are no longer under arrest.

01:15:19Willie, his sword.

01:15:20Thank you, sir.

01:15:21That was good timing, wasn't it?

01:15:23Yes, sir.

01:15:24Oh, that must be the Chief.

01:15:25The First Lord.

01:15:26First Lord, I should say.

01:15:27Yes, you know you've no right to be here.

01:15:29I've told you to run along.

01:15:30And Jane of Hoth.

01:15:31Make it again.

01:15:32Lieutenant Lashwood, sir.

01:15:34Lashwood, what again?

01:15:35Sir, I've had a report from the hospital, sir.

01:15:37The First Lieutenant Commander Fraser has escaped.

01:15:38Escaped?

01:15:39Yes, sir.

01:15:40Done a bunky...

01:15:41Oh, I see you've caught him, sir.

01:15:42Caught whom?

01:15:43The escaped man, sir.

01:15:44That's him.

01:15:45The one who impersonated the Captain this morning.

01:15:46Impersonated Lieutenant Commander Fraser?

01:15:48On board the Sherwood, sir.

01:15:49My sister was corroborated.

01:15:50She was there.

01:15:51Then who the devil are you, sir?

01:15:53I thought you knew.

01:15:54I'm Thomas Baker,

01:15:55Parliamentary Private Secretary to the First Lord.

01:15:57How do I know that?

01:15:59My Admiralty and my House of Commons pass.

01:16:01Why, they make me forgers.

01:16:02Well, show them to the First Lord.

01:16:03He'll be here any minute.

01:16:05There, this is getting beyond words.

01:16:06Is there no one I can depend on?

01:16:08Yes, me.

01:16:09What have you got to do with this deplorable business?

01:16:11I am Personal Private Secretary to Mr. Thomas Baker,

01:16:14the PPS to the First Lord.

01:16:16Since when?

01:16:17Since I got him out of hospital.

01:16:18You got him out of hospital?

01:16:20You made a fine gaffe, my love.

01:16:21Is everybody in on this?

01:16:22Look, Grandpa, it's all very simple.

01:16:24You see, last night, quite by accident,

01:16:26Peter and Tom got sloshed.

01:16:27Sloshed?

01:16:28Pie-eyed, sir.

01:16:29The Scotch mist.

01:16:30And while they were still tiddly, they changed clothes.

01:16:32That's all.

01:16:33Oh, this man brings contempt on Her Majesty's uniform,

01:16:37and this one gets into my official residence

01:16:40and violates my home.

01:16:42I'm quite prepared to marry her, sir.

01:16:43You are?

01:16:44Ah, no care, enough of this, no more.

01:16:46Come along, outside, both of you.

01:16:48Outside, all of you.

01:16:49Go along, go on.

01:16:51This is a naval establishment, not a village hall.

01:16:56I'm handing the whole thing over to the First Lord.

01:16:59Couldn't we do a deal on this all round?

01:17:02What deal?

01:17:03You have the front desk.

01:17:04Oh, why not?

01:17:05It's done on the highest levels.

01:17:06It's called diplomacy.

01:17:07In politics and big business,

01:17:08the good old British principle of compromise.

01:17:10No.

01:17:11No?

01:17:12Admiral, did you or did you not give this letter to Peter

01:17:14to hand to the First Lord?

01:17:16Hand to the First Lord?

01:17:17And Peter, being in no position to do so,

01:17:18entrusted it to me to deliver.

01:17:20Yes, but you see, the point is...

01:17:21The point is, if I did so,

01:17:22the sentiments contained in this letter

01:17:24might create a certain confusion in the First Lord's mind.

01:17:27Confusion?

01:17:28In view of the entirely different sentiments

01:17:29which you expressed to me,

01:17:30the First Lord was a man of war,

01:17:31a man of war bombers,

01:17:32and I passed on to him.

01:17:33Do you remember, Admiral?

01:17:34Gentlemen, do you intend to wreck my career

01:17:36after nearly 50 years' service?

01:17:38You couldn't do...

01:17:39No, we couldn't do that.

01:17:40Could we, Peter?

01:17:41To my future grandfather-in-law?

01:17:42Not a...

01:17:43And furthermore, never intended to.

01:17:44Give me that letter.

01:17:46There, sir.

01:17:47Now we're entirely at your mercy.

01:17:49Oh, my dear boy.

01:17:51My very dear boy.

01:17:53It wasn't anything, Grahame.

01:17:55Wind again.

01:17:56First Lord, sir.

01:17:57Oh, we're out again.

01:17:58Good afternoon, sir.

01:17:59Which of you gentlemen is Lieutenant Commander Fraser?

01:18:01I am, sir.

01:18:02I see.

01:18:03May I take over, Admiral?

01:18:04Certainly, sir.

01:18:06You are, I take it, aware of the fact

01:18:07that one of the things a naval officer must learn

01:18:09is to be trustworthy.

01:18:10Yes, sir.

01:18:11And he's expected to set an example

01:18:13of dependability and integrity.

01:18:15Do you agree, Lieutenant Commander Fraser?

01:18:16Yes, sir.

01:18:17Very well.

01:18:19Then for heaven's sake,

01:18:20give him back his bloody oil skins.

01:18:30Carry on, Admiral!

01:18:34Carry on, Admiral!

01:18:38Carry on, Admiral!

01:18:41Carry on, carry on, carry on!

Category

Transcript

Recommended