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00:00Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, stand-up star Michael McIntyre, from Sweden with love, it's
00:25Eureka Johnson! And their captain, Sean Locke! And facing them tonight, here's Johnny, it's
00:34Johnny Vegas! It's the News at Ten, with Krishnan Gurumurthy! And their captain, Dave Spikey!
00:43Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:51Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
00:56Did you know, for example, there are around 44 million bubbles in a bottle of champagne?
01:01And that statistic is brought to you by a scientist who was stood up on a date.
01:09In 2005, it was made illegal to keep goldfish in goldfish bowls in Italy. So, that's goldfish sorted,
01:16organised crime. And the average woman will tell 28,000 lies in her lifetime. I don't know what
01:23my girlfriend would make of that, she's out with an old school friend tonight. Apparently, she might
01:28have to stay over. Let's get started.
01:38What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round. We've teamed up with a leading
01:41polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this
01:44week. It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:48Sean, Ulrika, Michael, what have people been talking about this week?
01:51A story I like, I like the story about the Luton manager who has complained about a female referee,
01:57not a referee, a lineswoman. He said, if we let women into football, well, then it's just all gone to pot.
02:03And he said, it may sound sexist, but I am sexist. Isn't that fantastic? At least it's like saying,
02:11yeah, I did burger your house, but I am a burger.
02:15He did apologise, he did apologise for causing offence, but said his words were ill-timed.
02:21They're very understanding women, they're probably too understanding. Like, they won't give a penalty
02:25if the other team are 4-0 down, they're under a lot of pressure, I can understand why he did it.
02:29Why are they telling you what it's for? They just book you, and then you go, well, what's that for?
02:33And they go, well, if you don't know...
02:42Some of them are good referees, dinner ladies. You wouldn't argue with a dinner lady, would you?
02:46You wouldn't argue with a woman in a tab hat and a tash, would you?
02:49You thought the ref wasn't facing you? You thought you were going to kick someone,
02:53and then apply make-up? Bang to rice in the middle, eh?
02:56Bang to rice in the middle, eh? Bang to rice in the middle, eh?
02:59I saw that! I saw it!
03:03You've dated a couple of footballers, were they sexist? Were they all right?
03:07Oh, they were lovely.
03:10A couple? Have you? I don't know.
03:13You said a couple, like there was loads. A couple?
03:16Go on, did you find any of those guys you dated to be sexist? Of course.
03:19You don't have videographs, do you? Like, you're doing rugby league?
03:22No, I don't. You haven't in football?
03:25If you had a video ref and they go, let's go to the big screen,
03:28and a female ref went, oh, put X-Factor in.
03:32I just want to see if he's gone out.
03:35The lady in question, Amy Rayner, has been qualified for 14 years.
03:39So she's actually more qualified than he is?
03:41Yeah, he's been a manager, I think, for four years. Oh, good.
03:44Would you fancy refereeing? Er, no.
03:47You said that like you could actually arrange it.
03:50Would you fancy refereeing? Yes, I do, actually.
03:52Well, don't worry, I'll sit down.
03:54We're doing Man United-Liverpool on Saturday.
03:56Yeah, maybe. Never know your luck.
03:59Shouting at the ref is an integral part of modern football,
04:02and I think it would make life very difficult for footballers,
04:05just screaming at a woman going, why?
04:07He pushed me! I didn't, he did!
04:10It would just be like shouting at your mum.
04:12It wouldn't be as effective. They'd stop doing it.
04:14It's probably a very good thing. They should have female refs.
04:16I'd have female scientists. I would.
04:18I'd have them driving trains. I'd let them drive cars.
04:22I'd let them work as policemen, policewomen, anything, you know.
04:25I just think it's time to open up the whole thing to them,
04:27let them do what they want.
04:29Yeah, let them ride bikes.
04:31It can't be that dangerous. They'll get the hang of it.
04:34What? Is it a top five talking point?
04:38Yes, it is.
04:40There are 10,000 affiliated women's football teams
04:43and 133,000 registered female players.
04:46Goodness me, that's an awful lot of lesbians.
04:50Dave, Johnny and Christian,
04:51what else have the nation been talking about this week?
04:53I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here. I've started.
04:56And gripping stuff.
04:57Do you know who they all are, though?
04:59I mean, I watched it last night and I'm still quite puzzled
05:02about who they are, having watched it.
05:04It should be called I'm a celebrity. No, honestly, I am.
05:07I am, yeah. I've got an agent, haven't I?
05:09Well, Jan Leeming's on. Do you know her?
05:11No, the thing I like about Jan Leeming
05:13is that she's obviously full of shit a lot of the time.
05:15She lied about her task
05:17and made it out to be a lot worse than it really was.
05:19But everybody believes her cos she's a newsreader.
05:21And that is the great newsreader's luxury,
05:23you can talk total shit and everyone goes,
05:25oh, all right.
05:26I don't even know if that's true.
05:29I was actually asked to go on.
05:31Were you?
05:32I get asked every year and I'm that far away from Panto.
05:38Would you ever think about it?
05:40I've thought about it, but in really vicious dreams.
05:44Just turn up the first night,
05:46eat every bit of rice in the camp,
05:48stand there looking menacing
05:50and then sit your own camp up ten yards away going,
05:52one of you will die tonight!
05:56He's a very strange looking man.
05:58I saw a bit of it, that David Gueskey.
06:00He looks like a sort of Muppet with alopecia.
06:02All the fur's just fallen off slowly.
06:04It's just this weird blob thing.
06:06It does look as if Paul Simon has melted.
06:09He cries through his ears, I think.
06:12You know what one day,
06:13all the paper-mashy things you made at school and discarded
06:16will rise up with him and start an army.
06:20Want to have a look at him?
06:22He looks like his plastic surgery's been done specifically
06:24so he can appear in Aladdin, doesn't he?
06:27He's gone to a plastic surgeon and said,
06:29I want to work in Panto.
06:31I like David Gueskey.
06:32You like him?
06:33I think he's great.
06:34I think he's great entertainment.
06:36Don't you agree with that?
06:37Well, I mean, there's lots of great documentaries about Hitler.
06:40This man's nothing like Hitler.
06:41He's done nothing wrong.
06:42I vote for him.
06:44I want him on the Bush Tucker trial.
06:46I'm obsessed with seeing him repeatedly on television.
06:50I like David Guest.
06:51Is he very gay?
06:52Is who very gay?
06:53Is he very gay?
06:54No, don't do that.
06:57In fairness, you are wearing a pink shirt and saying,
06:59I love David Guest.
07:02You're questioning my sexuality to Jimmy.
07:04Like Jimmy knows of my sexuality?
07:06Jimmy knows.
07:10He's definitely gay.
07:13To get on this show, you have to have a medical with Jimmy.
07:18My wife is obviously squirming watching this.
07:21Thinking, oh my God, I've married a gay.
07:25Well, let's have a look and see if it's there.
07:31Yes, the latest series of I'm a Celebrity started this week.
07:34Fashion designer Scott Henshaw said he tried to turn the other men in the camp gay.
07:38What, Jason Donovan, David Guest and Tomi Anstis?
07:40Good luck with that.
07:43I saw you went straight, you cut to me after the gay joke.
07:52Even before you said gay, I thought, why am I on the screen?
08:00The reason we cut to you was because some people watching in Newcastle
08:02won't know what a gay man looks like.
08:05It's just a visual cue for them.
08:09Also, you haven't seen a bit of text that's going to come up in the edit.
08:12Just gay.
08:15There'll be loads of flowers and butterflies around here.
08:19Sean, Ulrika and Michael, what else have people been talking about this week?
08:21Bond. James Bond.
08:23He's 007.
08:25And I like...
08:27David Guest.
08:33I just like the use of 007
08:36because he's got a lot of trouble with 0 and 0.
08:39You've missed the point. It's not 0.
08:41That's why it's 0.
08:43That's why it's not just 7. It's 007.
08:45So when you see him, you go, uh-oh!
08:477.
08:49Are you a Daniel Craig convert?
08:51Yes, definitely.
08:52It's pathetic, isn't it?
08:53The way they all slagged him off beforehand and then turned around.
08:56He's a real hunk. He emerges from the water.
08:59I can't... I can't...
09:01I can't keep up this facade any longer.
09:06He was in the National Youth Theatre around the same time as me, I think.
09:09He...
09:12Sorry, I thought we booked Christian Guru-Murphy.
09:15I was in the National Youth Theatre very briefly, but not as long as he was.
09:17As a newsreader.
09:18He used to get a lot of big parts.
09:20Most of the Bonds couldn't act, could they? But he actually can.
09:22He's stolen a lot of your moves.
09:25There's a thing where he punches someone in the neck and it's pure Christian Guru-Murphy.
09:28If things had been different, it would be fantastic.
09:30I've seen the film. I was there on the night.
09:32Oh, was it? How did you enjoy the premiere?
09:34Lovely.
09:35They're not that impressed, are they? You've got four people in.
09:39I got to go to the premiere as well.
09:40Well, who couldn't go?
09:43No, I did go and I found myself turning to my brother, who I brought along,
09:46and going, what are we waiting for?
09:48And he went, the Queen?
09:50Did she come round with the ice creams?
09:53I don't think she enjoyed it.
09:54Does she sit with everyone, front, middle or back?
09:56I mean, where does she choose to sit?
09:57Front, middle or back?
09:58No, she...
09:59What the Queen does, what the Queen does,
10:01she sits on a massive throne in front of the screens and everyone can see it.
10:05She's got a big crown which keeps moving around.
10:08Sure, she was pain in the arse.
10:10Nobody saw a thing.
10:12OK, let's see if it's one of the top five stories.
10:15Yes, it is.
10:16The most talked about thing this week.
10:20Yes, the latest Bond movie was released this week.
10:22Casino Royale is the first Bond movie that doesn't rely on gadgets.
10:25Q must be spinning in his grave,
10:27powered by the Grave Spinatron 3000.
10:30Dave's team, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
10:32Apparently the taxpayers had to compensate
10:34a load of ex-heroin addicts in prison
10:37because they were forced to come off heroin
10:40when they were sent to jail.
10:41Too soon?
10:42Too soon, and it was too painful.
10:44I think it's bizarre that, you know, you can have drugs in prison
10:46because it's not really prison if you're off your face, is it?
10:49When the judge said to me,
10:50you've got six months but you won't feel a thing,
10:52I go, oh, fine, that's great.
10:54It costs £150 a day, though, for methadone,
10:57to get someone off heroin,
10:58which I can't help feeling, give them heroin, then.
11:01Where are they getting it from, Harrods?
11:04Right, have we not learned from society within lessons
11:07to build prisons like Charlie Wonka's Chocolate Factory?
11:12Like Charlie Wonka's Chocolate Factory?
11:14Well, if they had a ribbon of chocolate,
11:16they wouldn't take cocaine, would they?
11:20They'd be swinging around and eating.
11:23What's the finance costs?
11:25I just want to see the figures.
11:27Jesus, why am I not on the government panel?
11:31Is this a cry for help?
11:32I've thought it through!
11:36Let's see if prisoner compensation
11:37is one of the most talked about things this week.
11:43Yes, prisoners have got compensation
11:45because they were denied treatment for drug addiction.
11:47And also in the news this week,
11:48a prison chaplain admitted to smoking crack cocaine.
11:51He apparently had so much of the drug,
11:53he believed that a man put to death over 2,000 years ago
11:55was his best friend.
11:57Right, one more to get. Fingers on buzzers.
11:59What else have the nation been talking about this week?
12:02Desert orchid died.
12:03People got upset about that, didn't they?
12:05The nation's favourite horse.
12:06How nice can a horse be, really?
12:08It's like, how evil can a horse be?
12:11It's a pretty sort of thin area,
12:13that scope of behaviour that they live in, isn't it?
12:15It's trotting round the field or stopping.
12:18And it's sad, sad, sad, sad.
12:21Because everyone was very upset that he'd, you know, he died.
12:23But in fairness, at any point in his career,
12:25if he'd so much as sprained an ankle,
12:26they would have shot him in the head.
12:29There were some amazing quotes, though, wasn't there?
12:31He was loved because he was so versatile.
12:33Bloody arse.
12:34He couldn't make a brew or do a bit of pottery.
12:36Surely he was a guy.
12:38Occasionally, when he crossed the finishing line,
12:40he used to lift his hoof up and go...
12:43He was a bit of a character.
12:44Is that hooves?
12:45You know, any opportunity to put a funny hat on,
12:47he took it.
12:49He often was seen standing behind John McCrick
12:51with his hoof going like that.
12:54I don't understand why dwarves don't ride horses.
12:58You'd think they would, wouldn't you?
12:59You know, they're always looking for short blokes to ride.
13:01Well, there's just loads of dwarves out there.
13:03Why don't they ride horses?
13:04Short legs.
13:06Those are your arms.
13:09Well, no, they just lift the stirrups up.
13:12Not that high.
13:14Glue them. Just glue them.
13:18Short legs and short arms.
13:19They just have to hold on, don't they?
13:20They don't really do much.
13:21I can actually tell you the reason why they don't use dwarves.
13:23It's because the flat season is in the middle of panto.
13:27Or maybe they've got a deal with the jockeys.
13:29Like, you do horses, we'll do panto.
13:31Like an agreement at a meeting in a car park.
13:34That's a gang fight, I would have to say.
13:38Well, let's see if the death of Desert Orchid is up there.
13:41Yes, it is.
13:43Desert Orchid sadly passed away this week.
13:45In a moving tribute, fellow racehorse Biffinsbridge said...
13:52At the end of that round, it's three points to Sean's team and two points to Dave's team.
13:59The next round is called The Polar With A Hole.
14:01Here's your first question.
14:0212% of lottery winners have what?
14:05I know what I'd do if I won the lottery.
14:07First thing I'd do is liquidise an elephant.
14:11That's good.
14:12Just get a big liquidiser, put it in...
14:16You can hear the tusks.
14:17And then...
14:18And then I'd open my mouth.
14:20And then I'd open a hairdresser's.
14:22You know, just have it keep ticking over.
14:24But also, the added thing is, if people come in,
14:26and you completely mess their hair up,
14:28and you go, don't have to pay,
14:29I'm not really a hairdresser.
14:32I won the lottery, actually.
14:34All right!
14:35Keen, calm down.
14:37I heard that you've got as much chance of winning the lottery this week,
14:41because so many people have bought tickets,
14:42as guessing somebody's phone number.
14:45How awful would that be if you actually guessed somebody's number,
14:49and then you've won nothing?
14:52Related to travel.
14:53Have gone abroad.
14:54Exactly the opposite of that.
14:55Have disappeared, completely.
14:58Disappeared and vaporised as soon as they've won.
14:59They were so ecstatic, all their cells inverted,
15:01and they became antimatter.
15:03Is it not going away?
15:04Yeah, I'll give you that.
15:05The answer is, in fact, they still haven't been abroad.
15:1012% of lottery winners have never been abroad.
15:12Of course, a lot of people only win a tenner.
15:13Where's that going to get you?
15:14Prague? Yeah.
15:1634% of people in Blackpool would like what?
15:19Would like a supermarket.
15:22Because there's only so many recipes that take in rock and sugar dummies.
15:28And a lot of them are developing vaticus veins
15:30that actually says Blackpool down the front.
15:3834% of people in Blackpool would like a tram up the front.
15:4034% of people in Blackpool would like a tram up the front.
15:45My granny, when I used to go when I was a kid,
15:46my granny first went there, she said,
15:47if I stand on that rail there, will I get electrocuted?
15:50She said, only if you cock your leg over that wire up there.
15:5434% of people in Blackpool would like Tony Blair to admit
15:57that that clown in the glass case is actually his brother.
16:02And it's a bit like the man in the Iron Mask,
16:04and he should be set free and allowed to run for office.
16:10Welcome to question time, Mr Blair's lost brother.
16:14What's your approach to taxis?
16:21They think they'd like a piazza.
16:24No, no, just give it a bit of class.
16:26Casino? That's exactly the right answer.
16:28God, thank God for me.
16:32Yes, 34% of people in Blackpool would like a super casino.
16:35I tell you what, if you want to gamble in Blackpool,
16:37why don't you just get a hot dog from one of the vans?
16:40At the end of that round I can tell you
16:41Sean, Ulrika and Michael have six points,
16:43and Dave, Johnny and Krishna have two points.
16:47Join me after the break when we'll be finding out
16:49whether or not you'd eat squirrel.
17:02Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
17:03The next round is Believe It Or Not.
17:05In this round I give the panellists a simple statement.
17:07All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
17:09Sean, Ulrika and Michael, let's have a look at a clip
17:11to illustrate your statistic.
17:16This shipment is supposed to be for 12 parties.
17:18Can you get the rest for me?
17:19OK, I'll be right back.
17:39LAUGHTER
17:49That's got to be the best beginning of casualty
17:51that's ever been made.
17:53Here is your related statistic.
17:559% of workers say they would be prepared to break a bone
17:58to win a compensation claim.
18:00Do you think that's true or false?
18:01I've actually done something to deliberately hurt myself at work.
18:04I worked in the kitchens of a psychiatric hospital
18:06and it was such a depressing job that I thought
18:08if I left it I wouldn't have got dull.
18:10So I deliberately, I was mopping up
18:12and I threw myself at this sort of metal butcher's table
18:14and it just sort of smacked my head on there.
18:16I actually did knock myself out.
18:18And I didn't get a penny because I had the regulation
18:20non-slip boots on.
18:22So they said, well, there's no way you can slip,
18:24it must be your fault.
18:26And they sacked me because they said, you're an idiot throwing yourself.
18:29I've thrown myself off a horse once.
18:31You threw yourself off a horse?
18:33Onto a footballer.
18:36I would think, in most jobs though,
18:39it's quite hard to break something.
18:41You can't break your leg photocopying anyway.
18:44Unless you have a repetitive incident,
18:46like you keep dropping a stapler on your foot
18:48about a hundred times a day.
18:50Ow!
18:52Keep knocking that.
18:54And then they just say, well, just move the stapler.
18:569% of workers say they would be prepared to break a bone
18:59to win compensation.
19:01True or false?
19:02I'd say it's false.
19:03I can tell you the answer is false.
19:05Well done.
19:09Yes, only 2% of workers say they would be prepared
19:12to break a bone to get compensation.
19:14My gran broke both her hips at work.
19:16She made a fortune suing that porn company.
19:20Dave, Johnny and Christian, let's have a look at a clip
19:22to illustrate your statistic.
19:24Do you hear something?
19:25Yeah. Wait, there's one over there.
19:27OK.
19:28Go ahead.
19:29Good shot.
19:31You're going to put some meat in it.
19:33Thanks.
19:34Beautiful.
19:35You've heard of tuna melts or patty melts.
19:37Why not squirrel melts?
19:39Well, this is Justin's squirrel.
19:41He's kind of cute.
19:43I'm going to put his little tender butt in there.
19:45And some celery.
19:47I like to use the leaves.
19:49You want to poach this for about an hour on a low simmer.
19:52And I've got some already done here.
19:54This makes a nice weekend snack,
19:56maybe while watching a football game
19:58or you can take it to a tailgate party.
20:00I'm going to add just a slice of cheese.
20:02Now you want to pop these into an oven that I've preheated
20:05to 350 degrees for about 8 to 10 minutes.
20:10Perfecto.
20:13Squirrel melts.
20:15You must try them.
20:20I just have to say no animals were hurt in the making of that film
20:23unless you count squirrels.
20:25Here's your related statistic.
20:2725% of Brits say they would definitely try squirrel meat
20:30if Jamie Oliver demonstrated a recipe on TV.
20:33True or false?
20:35Only if it was appropriately labelled may contain nuts.
20:40I don't think it's the recipe that's the issue, really.
20:43It's not like you go, oh, I haven't tried it with coriander.
20:46I always thought squirrels were a bit like Tyrannosaurus Rex, aren't they?
20:49Because they've got those...
20:52You see them, they're quite terrifying squirrels,
20:54they come towards you.
20:56I was in Britain about ten years ago to encourage people to eat squirrel meat.
20:59I did a piece about it on the news.
21:01It was total rubbish, but because I did it on the news, everyone believed it.
21:04Do you ever do that? Is there ever a slow news day and you just go...
21:07Make it up. Doesn't matter. Squirrel meat.
21:09Is that a story? Yeah, why not?
21:1125% of Brits say they would definitely try squirrel meat
21:14if Jamie Oliver demonstrated a recipe on TV.
21:16True or false?
21:18Basically, would you do anything Jamie Oliver told you to do?
21:20Most people seem to, don't they?
21:22Well, he's an inspiration. He's brilliant at humiliating fat kids.
21:25Some of them fat kids go on to be fat adults.
21:30You ever see people busking with squirrels, do you?
21:32Like they do with cobras in India.
21:35You could do some good busking with a squirrel, couldn't you?
21:37If you had an elaborate system of ladders and pulleys and swings
21:41and you just got him climbing around and he'd put on some music
21:44and then you could make a fortune. You wouldn't need to kill him.
21:46You could actually have them working for you.
21:48You could become a millionaire.
21:50Start more travelling. Hundreds of loads. Franchise it.
21:52A bit like cats.
21:54Squirrels.
21:5625% of Brits say they would definitely try squirrel meat
21:59if Jamie Oliver demonstrated a recipe on TV.
22:01True or false, Dave?
22:03You think it's true?
22:04Do I ever ask you to trust me?
22:07True.
22:08True.
22:09True.
22:10Well, I can tell you the answer is true.
22:14Yes, 25% of Brits say they would try squirrel meat
22:17if Jamie Oliver demonstrated a recipe on TV.
22:19I tell you what, I'd try Jamie Oliver meat if a squirrel told me to.
22:24So, at the end of that round, I can tell you it's seven points for Sean's team
22:26and three points for Dave's team.
22:30And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
22:32Here is your first one.
22:34Most common cause of stress for priests.
22:36Is it the devil?
22:42Is it someone's cut the brake lining on their motorbike
22:45and they're going down a hill and they can't brake
22:49and they're heading towards like a brick wall.
22:51That's quite stressful.
22:53Is it the ailment of homosexuality of which I know nothing?
22:57Homosexual frustration?
22:58That's the correct answer.
23:02Yes, the most common cause of stress for priests is celibacy.
23:05That and the fact they miss Hollyoaks every Sunday.
23:08Celebrity who most often features in Brits' nightmares.
23:12Jimmy Savile.
23:14I had a terrible dream once where I saw Doc Cotton in a catsuit.
23:19Is it the boy from the Worthington original ads?
23:22You mean Werner's original?
23:23Werner's, yeah.
23:27You're like my nan.
23:31Worthington's originals, give them to kids, they love them.
23:34My great kids were so pissed.
23:38Is it getting in a taxi and Richard Ammons driving?
23:41I imagine after this week it'll be David Guest, won't it?
23:44David Guest and Michael Jackson coming after you for body parts.
23:48I'm dreading it, and I've got to ask, is it me?
23:54No, it's not you.
23:56You're in people's dreams.
23:59Yeah?
24:00She used to be a page three girl.
24:02That'd be Jordan.
24:03That's the correct answer.
24:06Yes, the celebrity who most often features in Brits' nightmares is Jordan.
24:10She started her modelling career by sending pictures of herself to a London agency.
24:13It wasn't much, but it was a tit in the door.
24:18Right, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
24:22which means the final scores are Dave, Johnny and Christian have four points,
24:25but Sean, Ulrika and Michael are the winners, they have eight points.
24:30Well, thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
24:32and to all of you for watching at home, that's it from us, goodnight.
24:38The 8 Out Of 10 Cats Claws Out DVD includes all the bits too rude for TV.
24:43It's available from Monday.
24:44To order, call 0870 1234 344 or hit channel4.com slash shop.
24:49Next tonight, Bear gets it together with a Hobbit bow in the USA.