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00:00Hey babe, can you come wipe me?
00:04Absolutely!
00:08Hey stinky!
00:14Hola?
00:16Gorina?
00:19What up y'all, we back again. This is Top Things.
00:22It was amazing. If you divorce him, text me his phone number.
00:30Okay, ready?
00:49Why doesn't this order come with a handgun?
00:52Is it spicy?
01:00Okay, thank you.
01:09Hey, quick shout out to my future wife who's praying that I don't find anyone before I meet her.
01:14It's working.
01:16It's working. You can stop praying now. It's working.
01:19What is that?
01:21Oh my gosh!
01:30I bet if she hung up, she'd still be hearing him.
02:00It feels amazing in your mouth.
02:03Let me try it. Let's see.
02:05No, no, no. It's like...
02:09At this moment where he realized it's time to grow up and play with other things than toys.
02:16I like that it pleasures Chick-fil-A workers to serve me.
02:19I got to pleasure an old woman today and I don't think she's been pleasured in a long time.
02:23There's gotta be a better way to say this.
02:25Two, three, four, five...
02:31I don't know what's scarier, the undertaker rising up or his girlfriend's reaction.
02:40Hey, baby. You still by your girl?
02:54You good, D?
02:55You boys hungry?
02:58What the hell, dude? That's gross!
03:15The only thing that can heal us from traumatic pasts is remembering someone else's.
03:20What's a word you pronounced incorrectly one time and it still haunts you?
03:23Bro, my mom's name is...
03:26Bro, mine was...
03:30She was now here to be found.
03:32It's actually better than this... in high school.
03:34He said...
03:44Imagine thinking that a man is gonna make you happy.
03:56The secret ingredient in the new Fritos is jam-packed with protein.
04:03How many of those did you just eat?
04:05I just ate so many of those.
04:07My tail? What the...
04:10Oh my god, dude, it's probably my teeth.
04:15Are you serious? Are you serious?
04:18Okay, do me a favor and what does that say?
04:21Okay, do me a favor and what does that say?
04:25WWDC24?
04:35Actually, dub dub, dumbass? My bad.
04:38Have you ever gave up something you love in order for someone you care about to be happy?
04:44Having three son-in-laws, especially this one right here, that means I never get leftovers anymore.
04:51I had four daughters, I used to get leftovers. But now, no more. All gone.
05:06Can I get five dollars on pump too, please?
05:08What?
05:15Oh my god.
05:18The most tasteful thing at the dinner table is the choice of wardrobe this cultured gentleman has on tonight.
05:25That's not cool.
05:27Oh no.
05:29What?
05:32It's coming to my hands, it's coming to my hands.
05:42It was the greatest idea ever thought of, for a few seconds.
05:48Mac is hack, open your bag up, put your chips in, put it on your drink, and drive.
05:57What's the thing?
05:59What in the f***?
06:01What the f***?
06:03What?
06:05Oh my god.
06:07Dakota, what happened?
06:09What happened?
06:14Tell me how I'm 30 years old but I feel like I'm 20 until I actually hang out with a 20 year old and then I'm like, nope, I'm 30.
06:22Whoever said there's no educational material on TikTok just hasn't done their research properly.
06:28This is our first attempt to try to light an underwater fart.
06:33You alright?
06:35Yeah.
06:39You wanna go home?
06:42No, the glaze.
06:43What did you do to the glaze?
06:45Yeah.
06:49It's so...
06:56So I ordered a salad and they gave me a Philly cheese steak.
07:02I don't know, let's give it a try though.
07:10I mean, I would've rather had the salad.
07:13Tattoo artists are about to make a fortune with this campaign.
07:18Have you ever been talking to someone and they tell you how much they love their cat and then you ask them to see the tattoo and they go, what tattoo?
07:25And you say, the tattoo of your cat.
07:27And they're like, I don't have a tattoo of my cat, that's crazy.
07:30And you're like, oh, okay.
07:31So you just say you love your cat.
07:33What if someone wants to see a picture but your phone dies?
07:35What if you want to give your cat a little bit of love but you're stuck at work, huh?
07:56What did you do to the dog?
08:00This fan reminds me of how the nanny looked at us kids to babysit.
08:25I can't believe you have this.
08:44You see that?
08:49Are you sleeping?
08:50No.
08:53Dad, what the heck?
08:54Okay, that's kind of weird.
08:55Is that weird?
08:56Yes, that's weird.
09:00Look at this classy man looking nice.
09:03Come on.
09:04Come on.
09:05Dad, that's not...
09:06What, is that wrong?
09:07Okay, all right.
09:08If there's anything they learned during their stay, it's the all-American way of blaming others.
09:14There's water coming out of the bathroom.
09:21That was not funny.
09:22That about gave me a heart attack.
09:23Very funny, very funny.
09:32Babe, what's the bookmark you're using right now?
09:37What?
09:42I found it on the dresser the other day and it's my bookmark.
09:47What's wrong with that?
09:54Why?
09:56I don't know.
10:04Gucci, why are you mad?
10:08I now realize that there's no job too simple to follow.
10:24Caps of the year.
10:30You're going to hit the ball or you're just going to sit there?
10:35And just do little swings.
10:41Oh, that's right in the trees.
10:44Oh, never getting that ball back.
10:50Babe.
10:54Pinky.
11:00It's 2024 and at this point, you just can't be too sure these days.
11:06Here's the thing, okay?
11:08See this baby?
11:09Pink car seat.
11:10Pink sleeper.
11:11Pink bow.
11:12Don't ask about the bow.
11:13Coco picked it out for her and I don't have the dollar to tell her that it doesn't match.
11:16So, her clip has pink in it.
11:18Okay?
11:19Her ears are pierced.
11:22I bet you $10,000 someone will still say while we're out,
11:25that's a handsome little boy you got there.
11:27How old is he?
11:29Does she look like a boy to you?
11:43That's really unfortunate.
11:48I'm sad.
11:50I'll take that.
12:11He was sent out to complete a mission without his wetsuit and this happened.
12:19He was sent out to complete a mission without his wetsuit and this happened.
12:50Online friends are like fish.
12:53Take them out of the water and into land and they're just not themselves.
13:00I'm gonna pass out.
13:04Babe, why are you gagging?
13:07Babe, why are you gagging?
13:08Because I only use poops.
13:14Josie, help me. Don't video this.
13:17Oh my god, I just got a whiff of it.
13:23Bunny, does it feel good?
13:29Does it?
13:30What do you think?
13:31You can speak?
13:32Yes.
13:33Okay.
13:34Alright.
13:47Dude, please, no spoilers. Some of us haven't read it yet.
13:50She bought a book called Meow.
13:53Right? You would think like, oh, maybe it's a story about a cat or something, right?
13:57So she wants to read a story about a cat.
14:00You know what?
14:02No, that's not what this book is.
14:04This book, every single word in this book says Meow.
14:12Every single page, the introduction, everything is Meow.
14:20What are you reading?
14:21How much money was this book?
14:43If you ever want to feel second place for the rest of your life, marry a single mom.
14:49I'm a stepdad. Of course my daughter's gonna have a boyfriend and not tell me about him.
14:54Who's that blocking my driveway?
14:56My boyfriend.
14:57Boyfriend? Does he know how to fight?
15:00Maybe, I don't know.
15:02You don't know? We're about to find out.
15:05I'm a stepdad. Of course my daughter's gonna call me by my first name, even though I've raised her for the last 14 years of her life.
15:13Don't do it.
15:18That is my beverage.
15:20Don't do it.
15:23Toot us! No, no.
15:33Don't let the evil forces win.
15:36There, nice kitty.
15:38Sweet kitty.
15:40Not interested in my beverage.
15:43Toot us.
15:46Don't listen to the voices. Resist.
15:48Toot us, don't you do it.
15:51Dude was sweating bullets, fighting for his life, and waiting for his son to forget what he asked.
15:57How the babies come in your tummy?
16:02Dad?
16:07Tell me!
16:08What's the question?
16:11How do babies get in the tummy?
16:12Yeah.
16:14Get in the tummy.
16:16Well, let me, how do you, what do you think? How do you think babies get in the tummy?
16:19I don't know.
16:21What do you reckon?
16:22Like, they just go in.
16:25Yeah?
16:27Do you have any other idea?
16:29No.
16:30Okay.
16:33They go in.
16:36Yeah, they just...
16:38Do you want to know the truth?
16:40Or do you want to know...
16:41I don't think he's looking for a lie.
16:44Yeah, I want to hear the truth.
16:47You want to hear the truth?
16:48Yeah.
16:51Okay.
16:56Do you want to know the truth?
16:57Yeah.
16:59Are you sure?
17:00Yeah.
17:02Can you please eat some more of your bun?
17:04No.
17:05No.
17:06Oh, easy, it's food.
17:08Alright, are you finished, Remy?
17:10I want to be finished.
17:12Really?
17:13I want to be finished.
17:15Alright, we're finished.
17:36Bye.
17:37Bye.
17:38Bye.