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00:30No, no, no. No, Susan, I fear that is not convenient.
00:37I know he's my son too, even if he does appear to be the love child of a sloth and a warthog.
00:43Look, look, he is not coming to stay with me and that is absolutely final.
00:51Well, just for a fortnight, then.
00:54The problem can be summed up in one word. Organised crime.
01:02Motors stolen in Gatsbyth are being driven across the channel.
01:06Blimey, you'd need a decent underseal.
01:11Local delinquents nick the cars and flog them on to Mr Big.
01:15Remember Mr Big. He's out there, somewhere.
01:19A fat cat spinning his web with his tentacles in every pie.
01:25Shouldn't be too difficult a spot, then.
01:28So, gentlemen, night's duty.
01:31A time when the lamp of justice must shine like a beacon.
01:35I trust that you are adequately prepared for the tasks ahead.
01:39I'm at the very peak of my form, sir.
01:43Well, I hope so.
01:45For who knows what danger lurks in the fearsome watches of the night.
01:49It is our mission to seek it out.
01:51To boldly go where no man has gone before.
01:55To go boldly, laddie, don't split your infinitives.
01:59Captain Kirk, darling.
02:00Captain Kirk regularly accepts figures painted blue with plastic forehead extensions.
02:07As beings from another planet.
02:10I think we may readily dismiss him as an authority on anything.
02:18Oh, hi, Maggie. You look great.
02:21I'm really looking forward to spending the night with you.
02:24No, no, I mean we'll be on the job together all night.
02:29I know why you like night shifts, Kevin.
02:31Oh, why?
02:32It's probably the only time you get to stay out late.
02:40Next!
02:48All right, goody, what's all this?
02:50Another promising contender for the regional heats of young delinquent of the year?
02:55What have you been up to, sonny?
02:56I've been up to nothing.
02:58In which case, you must have been up to something.
03:01I find the English language serves you far better, laddie, if you use it properly.
03:06So, what's he been up to?
03:07Taking without consent, gov, hit a lamppost.
03:09Don't call me gov, laddie.
03:12It's a short step from saying gov to using cockney rhyming slang, and I won't have it.
03:16Sorry, chief.
03:20If you're even thinking about being sick on my desk,
03:22first think about removing this truncheon from your ear hole.
03:29Has the doctor been called?
03:31On his way, gov, chief.
03:32Oh, sorry.
03:34I've called Inspector Grim, sir.
03:36He asked to be informed if we picked up any joyriders.
03:38Joyrider is not a term I will allow in my station, constable.
03:41This young lout was involved in potentially murderous delinquency.
03:44Well, I'm sorry, inspector, I was only saying...
03:46I know what you were only saying, constable.
03:48But it's not good enough.
03:49Crime is crime and should not be trivialised.
03:52What next?
03:53Are we to refer to grievous bodily harm as fun punching?
03:57Assault with a deadly weapon as a laugh and a stab?
04:01Occupation?
04:02Ducking, diving, dodging, weaving.
04:05So I'll just put total pratt, shall I?
04:08All right, Nigel Mansell, let me out your pockets.
04:10You ain't got no right to search me.
04:12Now, there you are wrong.
04:13I have every right to search you.
04:15Indeed, if I suspect you of possessing drugs,
04:18I'm entitled to conduct an internal body search
04:21involving a rubber glove and a large spoon.
04:24Would you like me to suspect you of possessing drugs?
04:29Sir, one ballpoint pen, blue,
04:31one contraceptive device,
04:33and a seed flavoured.
04:35Two tickets to a rave.
04:37Hardly a professional's car-pinching kit.
04:39I fear inspector Grim will find slim pickings here.
04:42I can't take any more!
04:44I'll do for someone, I swear.
04:46You're all dead!
04:48Yes, sir, can I help?
04:49Yes, sir.
04:50I swear.
04:51You're all dead!
04:53Yes, sir, can I help?
04:55Smack.
04:57God, I had smack.
04:59Certainly.
05:00Goodie, the gentleman wants a smack.
05:03Two balls, six, eight.
05:04Bug in, don't wait!
05:08Handcuffs, please.
05:13Constable Goodie, are you chewing?
05:15I'm going to ask you that question again, Goodie.
05:17But before I do so, I want you to consider the consequences
05:20of deliberately lying to a superior officer whilst on duty.
05:23Those consequences include dismissal,
05:25loss of pension,
05:26ostracism within the community,
05:28and in all probability, a lifelong dependency
05:30on prescription antidepressants.
05:32Now, let's try again.
05:34Are you chewing, laddie?
05:35Yes, I am.
05:36Helps me think.
05:38I can't say I'd noticed.
05:40Handcuffs, sir.
05:41All right.
05:42Habib, well done.
05:43Take the man down.
05:44Cold showers, exercise,
05:46and regular roughage help a man think, Goodie.
05:48Not Wrigley's Juicy Fruit.
05:51Not how my officer's going about the place like louts.
05:54What do you think we have plainclothes men for?
05:57Now, swallow it.
06:00Oh, what a night.
06:02Let me tell you,
06:03I should be glad when we're tucked up in bed together.
06:06Really, we should be.
06:07Let me tell you,
06:08I should be glad when we're tucked up in bed together.
06:10Really, Raymond?
06:12Oh, yes, certainly.
06:13I shall be out like a light.
06:17I expect you will, too.
06:21But sometimes, before we go to sleep,
06:23wouldn't it be nice to share a moment of excitement together?
06:28By all means, darling.
06:30I'll tell you what I could do.
06:32I could read you another chapter of King Solomon's Mind.
06:38Oh, goody, have you run mad?
06:41What's the matter, boy?
06:43I think he's choking, Inspector.
06:44It's that bubblegum you made him swallow.
06:46Bend over, Kevin.
06:47Egg below your chest.
06:48Well done, Habib.
06:51Wait, Kevin.
06:52What's the man swallowed?
06:53A bubblegum-flavoured elephant?
06:55Get him up.
06:56Give him to me.
06:58Now, fist clenched, thumb inward,
07:00between navel and breastbone,
07:01other hand on fist,
07:02pull up sharply to force the elephant's head
07:05other hand on fist,
07:06pull up sharply to force the upper abdomen against the lower lungs,
07:09thus driving out the remaining air.
07:13Go on, sir.
07:14Force it out.
07:15I'm trying to.
07:24What's this, sir Fowler?
07:26Some bizarre uniform branch initiation?
07:31Oh, thank you, sir.
07:33Sorry to spoil your fun, Raymond.
07:36Carry on, Constable.
07:39Police work.
07:40Remember it?
07:41Where's this car thief?
07:43Not necessarily a thief, Derek.
07:45In this country, a person is innocent
07:47until a judge or jury find him otherwise.
07:49And God, don't we hate all that funnying about!
07:53Why don't they change it round?
07:55Presume everybody in the country is guilty of something,
07:58which most of them are,
07:59and lock them up.
08:02What, the entire population?
08:04Certainly the entire population.
08:06Then anyone who can, to the satisfaction of a senior judge,
08:10prove themselves to be wholly and fundamentally innocent
08:13would be released.
08:14There'd be a bit less funnying about then, wouldn't there?
08:18Here we have proof of reincarnation.
08:21Stalin has come back as an English detective.
08:24I do not advocate a police state, Fowler.
08:27No, you just want to see everyone live in abject fear of authority.
08:30Well, it would be not!
08:33Now, where's this young lout?
08:35He's with the doctor. His head is cut.
08:37Diddums. Get him out here. I haven't got all night.
08:40I've got a wife and kids to get home to.
08:42Until the doctor is satisfied and nobody is seeing him.
08:45Obstructing CID in the course of an investigation, Fowler?
08:49It's a very serious offence, that.
08:51I've half a mind to charge you.
08:53You have half a mind, full stop.
08:57Endangering the life of a suspect
08:59by denying him proper medical care is also a serious offence.
09:02Right.
09:03Well, you can mollycoddle the scum in the streets if you want.
09:06I need my kip.
09:08I've got a lot of important meetings tomorrow.
09:11Good night.
09:12Important meetings.
09:14Ha! Where's he think he's going?
09:16Scotland Yard. I doubt it.
09:19I shall certainly be glad to get out of here tonight.
09:21Oh, God, a bit of peace.
09:23No noise, no distractions.
09:25No revolting kids.
09:27Hmm. Yes, absolutely.
09:29Lovely.
09:31No revolting kids at all.
09:34Except Bill.
09:36What?
09:37Oh, didn't I tell you?
09:39My son Bill's coming to stay for a few weeks.
09:42His mother's sick of him.
09:46That's nice, isn't it?
09:56I bought a new nightie today, Raymond.
09:58Mm-hm.
10:02I couldn't resist it.
10:04It's so silky.
10:06It's called Satin Passion.
10:09Really?
10:11I know it's extravagant,
10:13but it was in the sale.
10:15£60.
10:17What?
10:19Take it off! Take it off right now!
10:21Do you really want me to?
10:23I most certainly do. That's going straight back to the shop.
10:26£60?
10:28There's hardly anything to it.
10:30Really, Patricia, if you're going to spend that kind of money on a garment,
10:33you might at least purchase something vaguely functional.
10:36Wandering around in that, you'll catch your death.
10:40I suggest you change it for something knee-length.
10:43In flannelette.
10:47Thought you might like it.
10:49Thought it might turn you on.
10:53Patricia, I think you've known me long enough to realise
10:56that a reckless disregard for the value of money is scarcely likely to excite me.
11:00I'm all for the occasional rash and exuberant gesture of frivolity,
11:04but £60 for a wisp of chiffon in a shoelace is palpably absurd.
11:10Now, if you'll excuse me, I will return to my book.
11:13Raymond!
11:15I feel like a dried-up old prune.
11:17Now, there's a thought, Patricia.
11:19Delicious and very good for the bowel.
11:23I wonder if you're going downstairs.
11:26Raymond! You're not listening to me!
11:30We are not the first and we won't be the last couple to have problems with our sex life.
11:34We do not have problems.
11:36We do not have a sex life.
11:38In which case, I really don't see how there can be a problem with it.
11:41Really, Patricia, you're not making sense.
11:43You can't just ignore it, Raymond.
11:46I want us to see a sex therapist.
11:48Oh, please, not that again.
11:50We need help!
11:52Do not!
11:53I'm quite capable of satisfying the woman I love
11:57without instructions from a total stranger sitting on a beanbag.
12:03Then let's do it!
12:05I want seeing to!
12:07I want servicing!
12:10I want to be ravished right now!
12:12With the lights on and your socks off!
12:16If you love me, show me you love me!
12:19You used to. What's changed?
12:21Nothing's changed.
12:23Look, I...
12:28Look, I can't, Patricia.
12:30Not now, not with my boy in the house.
12:33I mean, if he were to hear us, you know, it just feels strange.
12:38That's a pathetic excuse.
12:39It's not!
12:41We can only hope to curb the excesses of youth if we lead by example
12:45and show some self-restraint ourselves.
12:47There's nothing wrong with...
12:49Nookie!
12:52He's still very young and impressionable.
12:54Not much older than that lad we got at the station.
12:57He could end up going the same way.
12:59I wonder what Bill gets up to at night.
13:01Considerably more than we do, I should imagine.
13:05I'll see you in the morning.
13:20LAUGHTER
13:28Do you want an egg on that?
13:30Yes, thank you, Patricia. That'd be very nice.
13:37LAUGHTER
13:43Yes, well, I like a runny yolk.
13:45LAUGHTER
13:48Ah, good morning, Bill.
13:50Patricia and I were just saying how nice it is to have you home.
13:54Boo!
13:57You're having a friend to stay, are you?
13:59Yeah. Is there a problem?
14:01No, no, no, that's lovely.
14:03You made up the bed in the spare room, did you?
14:07You find the sheets all right? Top shelf, the airing cupboard?
14:10Yeah, sure, Dad. Spare bed, right. Yeah.
14:14Well...
14:16Well, come on, Bill, you're not being much of a host, dear me,
14:19leaving your friend standing around like that.
14:21Get her some toast. We can all sit down and have a nice family breakfast.
14:25No, thanks.
14:30Well, I'm glad we abstained from sex on his behalf.
14:33Oh, come on now, Patricia, don't jump to conclusions.
14:36She's just a pal.
14:39Anything more intimate than that.
14:41They've probably just gone upstairs to revise for exams.
14:48Practical biology, do you think?
14:55Morning, everyone. Carry on.
14:57We've still got that young lad in for twocking.
14:59Twock, twocking? Constable Havie? Twocking? What do you mean?
15:03I mean take him without consent, Inspector. As in cars.
15:06Then say so, Constable.
15:09A criminal charge leaves no room for ambiguity.
15:12Start dropping bits willy-nilly, and where will it end?
15:15We might arrest a fella for burglary,
15:17drop a couple of letters to save time,
15:19and end up charging him for buggery.
15:23Sir, another petition from Lavender Close about the loud sex noises.
15:27Ah, the noisy nympho at number nine.
15:29Great balls of steaming ouja.
15:32That woman's still at it. I suppose we'd better bring her in.
15:35No good asking her to come quietly, I suppose.
15:41There is a place for smutty innuendo, Constable Gray.
15:44And that place is on birds of a feather.
15:48That's when I suppose you'd better bring the foul woman in.
15:51She'll be abusive, sir. She always is.
15:53Then arrest her. Put the handcuffs on her. That might make her think.
15:56I'll tell you what, Frank. Stick them on her ankles.
15:59That'll solve the old thing.
16:02What are we going to do about this young lad in the cell, sir?
16:05He's been charged and we can't hold him forever.
16:07Detective Constable Gray,
16:09does Inspector Grimm still want to interview this car thief we're holding?
16:12He's at Scotland Yard, sir.
16:14This is a nationwide operation.
16:16Everything's bigger in CID, innit?
16:20Scotland Yard, eh?
16:23I've only ever been to Scotland Yard once.
16:26One of the best school trips we ever went on.
16:32Nationwide operation, eh? Blimey.
16:36Perhaps I'd better go and have a chat with the lad.
16:45All right, Goody. You've spoken to the boy, studied him,
16:48no doubt constructed a detailed psychological profile.
16:51Have you drawn any conclusions?
16:53Yes, I have, sir.
16:54Good. And what are they?
16:56He's a right little scumbag.
16:59The fact, Goody, that you possess a GCSE in English language
17:03casts a dark shadow of doubt across the entire British educational system.
17:08And who is he?
17:09Well, he won't give us his name.
17:11He says he never sees his family, says his father left home,
17:14lives where he likes, does what he chooses.
17:17Sad, isn't it?
17:18When fathers desert their responsibilities and break families up.
17:23Yes. Yes, I suppose it is.
17:26Young blokes get married without thinking,
17:28get some poor bird up the dap and nap off.
17:33Really terrible.
17:37How is your ex-wife, sir?
17:41And your son?
17:43Well enough, thank you, Goody,
17:45considering the overwhelming social burdens that I place upon them.
17:50All right, laddie, don't play games with us
17:52or we can make life pretty difficult for you if you do.
17:55Now, give me your name.
17:56Ivor.
17:58You see, Goody, a firm authoritative approach normally bears results.
18:03All right, Ivor, what's your surname?
18:05Biggan.
18:09First of all, kindly note, Ivor Biggan.
18:20Oh, I see.
18:23A comedian.
18:25Yes, sir, he's already named his two Scottish associates,
18:28Ben Doon and Phil McAvity.
18:33It's come to a funny state of affairs
18:35when a woman can't have a bit of rumpert
18:37in the privacy of her own bedroom.
18:42It's having it in your back garden that people are objecting to.
18:46We've done it in the shed.
18:47The shed collapsed.
18:50In fact, sheds collapse like dominoes all along Divinity Road.
18:54Mr Jones from number 36 phoned us.
18:57He claimed his compost heap was bouncing round the lawn.
19:01Look, Sergeant, you're a woman.
19:04You know about a woman's needs.
19:06When a woman needs love, she's got to have it.
19:09Otherwise she's just a dried-up old prune.
19:14It doesn't strike me that banging away in the potting shed,
19:17screaming, do it to me, big boy, at the top of your voice
19:19has much to do with love.
19:20Well, I love it.
19:22I love sucking the middle bits out of walnut whips,
19:24but that doesn't mean I have the right to make everybody else listen to me.
19:27Do it! Take it away and charge her.
19:32Cup of tea, Pat?
19:34You all right? Look a bit down.
19:36Don't be silly, Maggie.
19:37I'm just a dowdy old drab with the sex appeal of a toilet brush.
19:40Why on earth would I feel down?
19:42Sergeant Dawkins, I'm back from Scotland Yard.
19:46Were there any messages for me while I was at Scotland Yard?
19:50No, Inspector Grimm.
19:51Good. Good, good.
19:55So, no messages from Scotland Yard, then?
19:58It's just, I've been at Scotland Yard, I thought there might be a message.
20:03Good.
20:06Ah, Inspector Grimm.
20:08Yes, I've been to Scotland Yard.
20:11The Yard.
20:12It's not such a big deal, I wish people wouldn't keep going on about it.
20:17This business of yobbos nicking cars for major villains.
20:22Big worry for the boys at Scotters.
20:27That's why they sent for Grimm of Gatsford.
20:30Yes.
20:31Well, we're still holding one of the hooligans, perhaps you'd like to...
20:33All in good time, after I've had my lunch, Fowler.
20:37Right, did you book somewhere nice?
20:39Of course I did, sir. A pizza hut, not too neat a place, are we?
20:43Thank you, Constable Hadley.
20:45No choccy hobnobs?
20:47No, sir, only rich tea.
20:50Well, perhaps that's as it should be.
20:53Perhaps a man who has failed in his duty to society doesn't deserve his choice of bicky.
20:58How's that, sir?
20:59That lad we're holding in the interview room.
21:02Arrogant, rude, opinionated, unpleasant.
21:06He could be my own son.
21:09You think so, sir?
21:10Yes, I do.
21:11Tomorrow, perhaps, it will be my boy.
21:13The lad we've collared comes from a broken home, just like my lad.
21:16Broken home? That's a terrible thing to say, sir.
21:19What's a couple split up?
21:21It doesn't mean their kids are going to turn out to be louts.
21:24True, true.
21:27I suppose the first six children in line to the throne come from broken homes.
21:31That's why, sir.
21:32Can't see much chance of us pulling William and Harry for twop...
21:35Taken without consent.
21:38Thank you, Constable Hadley.
21:40You have a wise head on those young shoulders.
21:43I'd like to say something else, if that's all right, Inspector.
21:46Very well, Constable. What is it?
21:48Well, it's none of my business,
21:50but I think you might worry a bit less about your old relationships
21:53and a bit more about your current one.
21:56Sergeant Dawkins, you mean?
21:58I know it's not my place to interfere, sir, but, well, she does seem very loyal.
22:04Yes, well, perhaps you're right.
22:06Thank you for bringing this matter to my attention, Constable.
22:10I will act on information received.
22:17Sorry about trying to kill you last night, Inspector.
22:20I didn't mean no harm by it.
22:22No, well, contrition is the first step to rehabilitation.
22:25What you have to do now is smarten yourself up.
22:27Think positively.
22:29Exercise, fresh air, plenty of roughage.
22:32And stop taking heroin.
22:35Yes, well, I think that has to be very much a factor in the new you.
22:40Good luck in court.
22:45Patricia? Yes?
22:48I would rather drink from the bladder of a baboon
22:51than say what I'm about to say.
22:54However, I've decided that it is unfair of me
22:57to ignore your frustrations any longer.
22:59I have been selfish.
23:01People have to work at relationships.
23:03It's like anything in life. You get out what you put in.
23:06Exactly so. And you haven't put anything in for a long time.
23:10I'm aware of that.
23:12And I've therefore decided that possibly one day,
23:15as a very last resort,
23:17once we've tried acupuncture,
23:20oyster diets and watching late-night Channel 4,
23:23that I might possibly consent
23:26to us visiting some form of sex therapist.
23:30Thank you, Raymond.
23:33I'll phone and see if she can see us this lunchtime.
23:38Please, please, please believe me.
23:40Talking about sex is not embarrassing.
23:44Nipple, flap, bottom, hide the sausage.
23:49I'm not remotely embarrassed.
23:52So very much on your own there, then.
23:55Last night, I did it bent backwards over the sitting room puff.
24:02Doing something like that is as normal and ordinary as saying good morning.
24:06I don't want to hear about you bending over backwards.
24:08That's because you're repressed.
24:10No, I just want to keep my dinner down.
24:13Don't be hostile, Raymond. We agreed to give it a try.
24:16The first principle of sex therapy is sex deprivation.
24:21You must agree not to have sex,
24:23to deny each other all physical contact.
24:26Do you think you can do that for me?
24:28Patricia, this woman's costing us £40.
24:33Right. Now, tomorrow, I want you to come in wearing only your underwear.
24:37You will sit facing each other but won't touch each other.
24:41This way, the spark of desire will be rekindled through deprivation and denial.
24:46After which, of course, the licking can start.
24:49Please, please, don't worry.
24:53In order that no-one should feel embarrassed,
24:55I, too, will be wearing only underwear.
24:59Of course, by the end of the week, we shall all be completely naked.
25:03But hang on, let's not wait. Let's do it now.
25:18Sir, Detective Inspector Grimm said he wanted to see you when you got back.
25:22Thank you, Constable Nipple.
25:25So, this young twocker comes from a broken home, eh?
25:29You're a divorcee, aren't you, Inspector Fellow?
25:33Left your wife alone with a kid?
25:36Did you not?
25:38I'm sorry for you, of course.
25:40As a dedicated family man, I know what you've missed.
25:44Right, then. Let's have a look at this car thief.
25:48More a delinquent than a thief, I think.
25:50More a delinquent than a thief, I think.
25:52I doubt this lad has the brains to fence a stolen car.
25:55Allow me to be the judge of that, fellow.
25:57As a highly trained detective and confidant of Scotland Yard,
26:02I shall know instantly whether this lad is a malevolent criminal genius
26:09or the cretinous child of a brainless swine.
26:13Darren!
26:14Hello, Dad.
26:18I'm not a vindictive man, Patricia,
26:21which is probably why I've remained in uniform.
26:24We charged the lad with taking without consent, of course,
26:27but I've agreed to keep the matter as quiet as possible.
26:30I don't know why. Inspector Grimm's such a pig.
26:33Why should you do him any favours?
26:35Well, virtue is its own reward.
26:37In this case, Grimm gave me two tickets to the police station.
26:41Grimm gave me two tickets to tonight's all-night rave,
26:44which his son will not now be attending.
26:46I thought perhaps you and Rona might like them, Bill.
26:50No, thanks, Dad.
26:51Oh.
26:52So you're staying in tonight, then?
26:54Are you sure you can't be persuaded to wildly prance off with your pal?
26:59No, I'm going down to the library.
27:01You don't get to university going to raves, do you?
27:04I mean, it's to prance wildly, Dad.
27:07Don't split your infinitives.
27:09Hello, Rona.
27:13Perhaps I misjudged the boy.
27:15However, the point is that we are alone.
27:18Yes, Raymond.
27:20And what I should like to propose
27:22is that we clear away the things, do the washing up,
27:25and then perhaps a bit of rumpy.
27:30I'll just have another cup of... I beg your pardon?
27:33I should like to make love tonight, Patricia.
27:36Perhaps tomorrow morning.
27:40I might even be persuaded to have a bash at a different position.
27:44This is so sudden. So...
27:48So the sex therapist worked?
27:50Worked. She's a genius.
27:52Because I will do anything, absolutely anything,
27:55as long as I don't have to visit that foul woman ever again.
28:09THE END