Bobby-Carrie-Benjamin-Lori (2nd season prem), 1/10/06
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00The buzzword is January.
00:11It's the first month of the year.
00:13It rhymes with manuary.
00:15It's stand-up month on Comedy Central.
00:17January!
00:18Yes!
00:19That's why January's stand-up month on Comedy Central with stand-up specials premiering
00:22all January long.
00:29Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr and welcome to Distraction, the game show where, yes, we might hurt our
00:49contestants but we also like to inform about health issues.
00:53So for example, ladies, if you get a burning sensation when you pee, it can mean one of
00:58three things.
00:59It could be a urinary tract infection, it could be a **** fire, or it could be someone's
01:05talking about your vagina.
01:10Or perhaps before my work visa suddenly expires, we should meet our contestants.
01:17Laurie, Bobby, Carrie and Benjamin, lovely to have you on Distraction.
01:28How are you all doing?
01:29Great.
01:30Awesome.
01:31Fantastic.
01:32I thought we might get to know each other a little bit better before we play the games.
01:33OK.
01:34Bobby, tell me.
01:35How many of your fellow contestants can name the states in alphabetical order?
01:40Ben.
01:41The answer is, in fact, Laurie.
01:42Let's hear it.
01:43Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida,
01:44Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine,
01:45Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska,
01:46Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio,
01:47Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas,
01:48Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming.
01:49The answer is, in fact, Laurie.
01:50Let's hear it.
01:51Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia,
01:52Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota,
01:53Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico,
01:54New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South
01:55Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West
01:56Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming.
01:57You are like the female Rain Man.
01:58Laurie, who of your fellow contestants says that they can do the Molly Ringwald special?
01:59Carrie.
02:00No.
02:01No.
02:02No.
02:03No.
02:04No.
02:05No.
02:06No.
02:07No.
02:08No.
02:09No.
02:10No.
02:11No.
02:12No.
02:13No.
02:14No.
02:15No.
02:16No.
02:17No.
02:18No.
02:19No.
02:20No.
02:21No.
02:22No.
02:23No.
02:24No.
02:25No.
02:26No.
02:27No.
02:28No.
02:29Carrie.
02:30It is Carrie.
02:31It is me.
02:32You're going to have to explain to me what the Molly Ringwald special is.
02:33It's in the breakfast club where she does the lipstick trick between the boobs and puts
02:36on her lipstick.
02:37Did I say boobs?
02:38Do you have any lipstick on you?
02:39Oh, brilliant.
02:40She's pushing her boobs together.
02:41I thought the Molly Ringwald special was where you disappeared completely.
02:50You've got to say it completely.
02:52AUDIENCE GROANS
02:59We all have gifts.
03:01Yeah, just in case your arms ever fall off and you think,
03:03I still want to look nice. Right.
03:06Who out of Benjamin and Bobby got shot in the nuts
03:09with a paintball gun?
03:13I'm going to say Benjamin did.
03:15You think Benjamin? You're absolutely right.
03:17Benjamin did get shot in the nuts.
03:20Shot in the crotch with a paintball gun.
03:22The guy just point-blank, like four feet, bam, ran the nuts.
03:26Wow. Fabulous.
03:28I still have my...
03:30You still have your testicles? Yes.
03:32What, at home in a jar? Yes, yes.
03:35Yeah, it's next to my bookcase.
03:38I'm loving Benjamin, he's brilliant.
03:40OK, true or false, Bobby can talk backwards.
03:45True.
03:47You're absolutely right, Bobby can talk backwards.
03:51Now, Bobby, can you say for me,
03:53drop out of school and do lots of drugs backwards
03:56just to annoy the censors?
04:04Fantastic, Bobby.
04:08In terms of pointless skills, it's right up there,
04:11but strangely impressive. Thank you very much.
04:14It's a bit like being able to put lipstick on with your d***.
04:18All right, well, ladies and gentlemen, I'm very pleased to hear
04:21those are our contestants.
04:27May I just say, you four look fantastic this evening,
04:31and I wanted to say that before our first game.
04:33Bring out the catapults.
04:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:43Well, these are our catapult buzzers.
04:46Every time you think you know the answer to a question,
04:49you just pull up the catapult
04:51and something unpleasant lands in your faces.
04:53Ladies, bring in the ammo.
04:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
05:02Well, let's kick off with pies.
05:04Let's stick some pies in there. Ladies, please.
05:06Pies in the catapults.
05:11OK, now, all the questions are about men with beards,
05:15because you're going to have a face full of, you know, stuff later on.
05:19OK. You ready? First question.
05:22What hairy-faced author wrote The Sun Also Rises...
05:26Benjamin.
05:28Ernest Hemingway, baby.
05:30Correct.
05:36OK, so Benjamin has already had his pies, and to finish that,
05:39why don't we give him some ketchup to go with it?
05:45In what city did Abraham Lincoln give that old
05:48four-score-and-seven-years-ago speech?
05:53I'm afraid you're too late there.
05:58I just said you're too late.
06:00No! Come on!
06:02I just said you're too late. No, you're too late.
06:05You look like a demented clown.
06:09It was not a tough question, either. It was a Gettysburg Address.
06:12I knew that!
06:13Shakespeare had a beard.
06:15What is the name of the daughter of Shakespeare In Love star
06:18Gwyneth Paltrow?
06:20Laurie.
06:21Apple.
06:22Correct.
06:28OK, next question.
06:30Who had a mountain man beard as Jeremiah Johnson,
06:33but just a moustache as the Sundance Kid?
06:37Bobby.
06:38Robert Redford.
06:39Correct.
06:43Do you like ketchup, Bobby?
06:45Yeah.
06:46Good news. You're in luck.
06:48Next question.
06:50What self-obsessed actor played self-obsessed singer
06:54Jim Morrison in The Doors?
06:57Bobby.
06:58Val Kilmer.
06:59That is the correct answer, Bobby.
07:07Come on, Carrie.
07:09Come on, Carrie.
07:10Get some stuff in your hair for me.
07:12I'm a little embarrassed.
07:14Just a bit of gunk on your face, what's the big deal?
07:17What couch-jumping, love-struck megastar
07:20sports a beard in the mark...
07:22Carrie.
07:23Tom Cruise.
07:24Correct.
07:27You've got something hanging off your nose.
07:31Ah.
07:32Yeah, I think it was a booger.
07:36What unshaven sentimentalist
07:38directed Empire Of The Sun and Minority Report?
07:42Bobby.
07:43Steven Spielberg.
07:44That's the correct answer, Bobby.
07:48What Dutch artist with a self-mutilated ear painted...
07:52Carrie.
07:53Van Gogh.
07:54Correct.
07:59I'm thinking maybe some rice.
08:04What sweater-faced genius invented the telephone?
08:10Benjamin.
08:11Alexander Graham Bell.
08:13Correct.
08:18Right, well, that sounds like the end of that.
08:20Let's have a look at the scores.
08:22Laurie, I'm afraid you only got one.
08:26I got lots of stuff on me.
08:28You did get lots of stuff on you.
08:29You've been a marvellous contestant
08:31and you can keep whatever food is on your face.
08:33Give it up for Laurie.
08:37Thank you.
08:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:54Welcome back to Distraction.
08:56In this round, we're going to play a little left-brain,
08:58right-brain experiment with our contestants.
09:00While their left brain is answering trivia questions,
09:03their right brain will be busy with a physical task.
09:06Please lift the covers in front of you.
09:10You'll see that what you've got there is some clothespins.
09:14What I'm going to do is I'm going to ask you some questions
09:16about famous marks,
09:18because you're going to end up with marks on your faces.
09:21And that's because while you're trying to answer these questions
09:23and buzzing in, I want you to put as many clothespins as possible
09:26on your faces.
09:30The person with the most pins at the end of the round
09:32gets five bonus points
09:33and will almost certainly go through to the next round.
09:36OK?
09:38All right.
09:39OK, get ready, start now.
09:41It's hard to keep track of J-Lo's husband and fiancée.
09:44To whom is she...
09:45Bobby.
09:46Mark Anthony.
09:47Correct.
09:48Which actor played Luke Skywalker in the original...
09:51Bobby.
09:52Mark Hamill.
09:53Correct.
09:55Which massive mark played the fifth regarding steroid use...
09:59Mark McGuire.
10:01Correct, Benjamin. Well done.
10:03Which singer went from fronting a cheesy band Sugar Ray...
10:07Carrie.
10:08Mark Wahlberg.
10:09No, it's Mark McGrath.
10:12Before the euro ruined everything,
10:14what was the former currency of Germany?
10:16Carrie.
10:17Oh, the Deutschmark.
10:19The Deutschmark, yes. We'll give you that.
10:21The Oscar-nominated film You Can Count On Me
10:24starred what now semi-famous actor?
10:27Carrie.
10:29Mark Ruffalo.
10:30Correct.
10:34How's this getting painful now, guys?
10:36Just a little.
10:37Carrie, is it getting painful?
10:38It sucks, OK?
10:40OK, come on, easy.
10:42Whose book, Das Kapital,
10:43heavily influenced the creation of communism?
10:47Carrie.
10:48Richard Marx.
10:50Richard Marx?
10:53He sung Hazzard, no, it was Karl Marx.
10:56Karl Marx.
10:57Anthony Edwards went from Gilbert in Revenge Of The Nerds
11:00to what famous mark on ER?
11:03Carrie.
11:04Mark Green.
11:05Correct.
11:08What wet mark won seven swimming gold medals for the US?
11:12Bobby.
11:13Mark Six.
11:14Correct, Bobby.
11:17Who dreamed of getting his chicks for free
11:19as the lead singer of Diner Straights?
11:21Bobby.
11:22Mark Knopfler.
11:23Correct.
11:27Wait, wait, wait.
11:28Don't touch those clothespins.
11:30That sound tells me that it's the end of the round.
11:33OK, first let's have a look at how many questions you got right.
11:37Right, Bobby, you got four, well done.
11:39Carrie, you got three.
11:40Benjamin, you got one.
11:42OK.
11:43Now let's find out how many clothespins you had on your faces.
11:48Carrie, you got 37 clothespins on your face.
11:5237 clothespins, how was that?
11:54It sucks.
11:56Now, Bobby, I can tell you you got 41 clothespins on your face.
12:02Bobby, you can now take them off.
12:04Benjamin, that means you need at least 42 clothespins
12:07in order to get through to the next round.
12:09I can tell you that you currently have only 28 clothespins on your face.
12:14I'm afraid you're out of the game.
12:16Give them a round of applause, though, what a great contestant.
12:20Oh!
12:24We'll see you after the break.
12:30What do you do with a man with a low intelligence?
12:32Like it.
12:38Welcome back to The Scratch.
12:40So far, our contestants have been hit with food
12:42and covered with clothespins,
12:44all for the chance to win over $10,000 in prizes.
12:47You have suffered enough.
12:48I want you to sit back and relax in this next round.
12:52Thanks.
12:53Bring in the tattooists.
13:04This is Emily, this is Jessen,
13:07and they are two Hollywood tattooists.
13:09They're going to be tattooing you throughout the next round.
13:14You're getting a tattoo on your arm, I believe, Bobby?
13:16Yes.
13:17And, Carrie, you're getting one in the horse spot.
13:22Bobby, I know you're going to get a TCB on your arm.
13:25Tell me what that means.
13:26Actually, it's old Elvis saying,
13:28TCB, taking care of business with a lightning bolt in a flash.
13:32OK, that's quite cool, but it's not going to hurt any less.
13:36And, Carrie, what are you going for?
13:38A lotus flower with just design.
13:41OK, now, the first to answer four questions whilst being tattooed
13:45will win an incredible prize package.
13:47And, as a bonus, we will finish your tattoo after the show.
13:51If you don't get four questions right,
13:53you go home with nothing but a half-finished tattoo.
13:58OK, the Centre for Disease Control requires us to read this statement.
14:02A tattoo from a shared needle may cause the following.
14:05HIV, AIDS, Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C,
14:08syphilis, tetanus, tuberculosis,
14:10and a host of other blood-borne diseases.
14:13Right, let's play Distraction.
14:19Start tattooing.
14:24OK, Carrie and Bobby, first question.
14:27Deep into the skin, what actor had to think fast
14:30and change his tattoo to read Wino Forever
14:34when his relationship with Winona Ryder went south?
14:37Bobby.
14:38Johnny Depp.
14:39Correct.
14:41What large-breasted sex icon switched out...
14:44Bobby.
14:45Pamela Anderson.
14:46That's a correct answer.
14:51How's that feeling for you, Bobby?
14:53Er, not pleasant.
14:57How are you, Carrie?
14:58Oh!
15:01Let me just remind viewers at home, this is absolutely 100% genuine.
15:05We are scarring people for life.
15:11But it's for a good cause, your entertainment.
15:14Right, next question.
15:15Actor Tom Arnold has devoted a large portion of his body
15:19to accommodate a portrait...
15:21Carrie.
15:22Roseanne Barr.
15:23Correct.
15:262-1, currently.
15:29How's the tattooing going, kids? Are you enjoying it?
15:31You should come over here and try it.
15:33I'm afraid I'm not white trash, so I'm not able to.
15:39Oh, I'm sorry.
15:41What loony ex-heavyweight champ is...
15:44Bobby.
15:45Mike Tyson.
15:46That's the correct answer.
15:52OK, you've got one more to get and you get $10,000 worth of prizes.
15:55Carrie, you could do it so easily.
15:59Which Charlie's Angels star and member
16:01of a famous substance-abusing acting family has...
16:04Carrie.
16:05Barrymore.
16:06Correct answer.
16:09What diva, gay icon and former partner of Sonny has...
16:14Carrie.
16:15Cher.
16:16Correct.
16:19Whoever answers this correctly wins $10,000 worth of prizes.
16:24What sister act star has a tattoo of...
16:27Bobby.
16:28Whoopi Goldberg.
16:29Whoopi Goldberg is the correct answer.
16:31You've won $10,000 worth of prizes and a finished tattoo.
16:38Bobby has taken care of business.
16:42Carrie, do you know what? You've been a great contestant.
16:44Thank you so much for coming. Give her a big round of applause.
16:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:53Well, when we return, Bobby will see if he can take his prizes home
16:57in pristine condition or whether they will be permanently damaged,
17:00just like his skin.
17:02See you after the break.
17:10Comedian January 17th.
17:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:17Welcome back to Distraction.
17:19Bobby, you've been through a lot this evening.
17:21An awful lot. A lot, yeah.
17:23You've had stuff in your face, you've had clothespins,
17:26and you've also had a tattoo which is now bleeding quite heavily.
17:30We love you as a contestant, Bobby.
17:32You've been through a lot. Let's have a look at what you've won.
17:35You've won a Vespa scooter,
17:37a state-of-the-art Sony Vega TV
17:40and an Apple G5 desktop computer.
17:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:46Excellent. Excellent.
17:48And Hepatitis C.
17:50I can't believe you lot.
17:52OK, you may be wondering what the half-a-tonne barrel is doing
17:55hovering above your first prize.
17:57Well, I'm going to ask you three questions.
17:59Each question corresponds to a prize.
18:02If you don't answer correctly, within the allotted time,
18:05a half-a-tonne barrel is going to drop on your prize.
18:09Now, you've got ten seconds to keep guessing, OK?
18:12So I'm not entirely heartless.
18:14What would you like to answer questions on?
18:16Mathematical terms or nasty diseases?
18:21Mathematical terms.
18:23Mathematical terms. OK.
18:25So this is for the Apple G5 desktop computer.
18:29It's a beautiful thing. Do you like that?
18:31It's awesome, without the thing hanging over it.
18:34OK, your first question.
18:36A conditional statement is known as an if-then statement.
18:40So if you were to name Tom Cruise's two ex-wives,
18:44then who would they be?
18:46Nicole Kidman and, um...
18:50Come on, guess, guess, guess.
18:52Mini... Not Mini Driver. Uh...
18:55Guess, guess, guess, guess, guess, guess, guess.
18:57Sarah... Guess, guess.
18:59BUZZER
19:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:04BUZZER
19:08You were so, so close with Mini Driver.
19:10It's Mimi Rogers.
19:12BUZZER
19:14OK, well, it's safe to say the computer has crashed.
19:16Let's get the TV in there.
19:18Go on, boys, you move it out.
19:21OK, this is a Sony high-definition television.
19:24It's a beautiful piece of kit.
19:27Are you ready? I'm ready.
19:29Let's get this TV.
19:31An obtuse angle measures between 90 and 180 degrees.
19:36Name the capital of Panama, where it is often 90 degrees.
19:42Uh...
19:44Capital of Panama? Just guess, guess, guess.
19:46Uh, Sarajevo, uh...
19:48Panama's half the answer, it's obvious.
19:50Panama City. Correct. Panama City, Panama.
19:52BUZZER
19:54That's the correct answer. You've won a high-definition Sony TV.
19:57Congratulations, Bobby. Thank you.
19:59APPLAUSE
20:03Thank you. Thanks.
20:06OK, Bobby, you've got the TV, that's something.
20:08You've also got a computer, which needs work.
20:11You know what, Bobby? That just needs to be rebooted.
20:16You're now playing for the Vesper. Sweet.
20:19An axiom is a self-evident and necessary truth.
20:22It is now necessary for you to name three presidents
20:25whose last name starts with the letter M.
20:28Monroe, Madison...
20:30Um, uh...
20:32Think Mount, think Mount.
20:34Uh, uh, uh... Mount, uh, uh...
20:36Mount. Mount Olympus. No, uh, uh...
20:38BUZZER
20:40APPLAUSE
20:45What's happened there, Bobby, is that's become more of a chopper.
20:48That's more of a low-wire...
20:50You got Madison and Monroe.
20:53And you didn't get McKinley. No.
20:56You got a TV, you got a tattoo, that's something, Bobby, isn't it?
20:59That's something, that's something.
21:01Ladies and gentlemen, Bobby, our winner this evening.
21:04Thanks for tuning in to Distraction.
21:06If you've had fun watching, tell a friend.
21:08They're less likely to laugh in your face than strangers.
21:11I've been Jimmy Carr, goodbye.
21:21I'm going to ride this thing home.
21:23Get distracted at ComedyCentral.com.
21:53How's it going, homegirl?
21:55Mind'em and Sia, coming up next.