Ultima 9： Ascension (Part 1) by Noah Antwiler | The Spoony Experiment
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VideospieleTranscript
00:00Well, well, well, Avatar. We meet at last.
00:04Guardian, I should have known it'd be you!
00:06Now, now. Is that any way to greet your better half?
00:11Yeah, come on through, Big Red. I got a nice hard goodbye right here for ya.
00:15In good time, Avatar. We do have a score to settle.
00:31The Black Gate is open. All I need to do is step through and your Earth will be mine to destroy.
00:38Then what's keeping you, big man? Come on, I killed uglier than you. Let's do this.
00:42Patience, Avatar. Patience. It is a virtue, isn't it?
00:47I have a deal for you. One that even you cannot refuse.
00:52Please, if you actually think I'm stupid enough to-
00:54All you have to do is finish the work you began.
00:58You've come so far. It would be a shame to see you die without knowing how the story ends.
01:04You want me to review Ultima 9?
01:06Do this and I will destroy the Black Gate myself, never to trouble you again.
01:11Fail, and I will crush the thrones of your pitiful world beneath my feet
01:16and parade you before its conquered people as the fallen idol of a pathetic ideal.
01:21You'll already lose, red forehead. Who's gonna review that shit anyway?
01:25Watch and weep.
01:55You needn't to beg and please don't beg me, beg me Lord.
02:25...and meant it, but no joke, this is the worst fucking game I ever played in my life.
02:30And I know how that sounds, I know I say that all the time probably, and I know you could probably point to
02:35other games that are worse in individual respects, like Pumpkinhead or something like that, you know, I've raged against them, but
02:41it's, it's, it's just everything, and I don't even know what to say.
02:45It's very easy to describe and very difficult at the same time.
02:48I guess, I guess the way I could put it is, I've never seen a worse story told more poorly in a video game.
02:56There's just so much more to it than that, and I don't even want to play it.
03:02I don't want to, I would seriously rather staple my dick to a burning log than even remember that this game exists.
03:10When I play, I suppose I have to though, right?
03:14I suppose I'm obligated, and I suppose it's the reason I started doing this whole thing, you know,
03:19because you needed context, you know, you needed context, you needed to see all of the games leading up to this.
03:25You had to see how great they were to fully understand just what an unmitigated atrocity Ultima 9 turned out to be.
03:34You know, it's like you had to see Highlander, the original movie, to fully understand how terrible and what a betrayal Highlander the source was.
03:45Oh, God.
03:47The Ultima series really represents my childhood.
03:50I was playing these games with my older brother before I could even read on the very first monochrome computer we ever had.
03:57I grew up along with the Ultima series as the graphics, gameplay, technology, and the story evolved.
04:03My own psychoses and frustrations with some of the better games aside,
04:07these were some of the deepest, most thought-provoking stories ever told in RPGs.
04:11Ultima changed gaming.
04:13It added character and philosophy and story to a previously pretty brainless genre.
04:18And then electronic arts happened.
04:26Oh, God!
04:29Oh, my God!
04:31You can't even call this game rushed as much as it's basically unfinished.
04:35Whatever story Ultima 8 Pagan was supposed to have was either cut to meet a deadline
04:39or buried underneath an incredibly ill-advised new focus on isometric platform jumping
04:45and a magic system so complicated and convoluted it felt more like an open book test at Hogwarts.
04:51It's unrecognizable as an Ultima game.
04:53But hey, lesson learned, right?
04:55Richard Garriott himself said he listened to the extremely negative feedback from Ultima 8
04:59and took it into account for the design of Ultima 9.
05:02For instance, he brought back the companions and completely revamped the gameplay
05:06to feature a fully interactive 3D world to wander around in with no loading screens or instances.
05:12And then electronic arts happened again.
05:16Specifically, EA owned Origin now and they saw dollar signs in the Ultima Online franchise
05:22and they reassigned the entire development staff of Ultima 9 to get online done as soon as possible.
05:27This delayed the whole Ultima 9 thing for more than a year.
05:30By the time they got back to it, their graphics were completely outdated
05:33because people were now using 3D accelerator cards
05:36and this meant they had to throw everything out and start the game over from scratch.
05:40The game designers started to argue and jump ship to other companies
05:43claiming poor management issues and screwed up priorities from Origin and EA
05:47and a lot of them, including the lead designer of the game, left to Ion Storm
05:52basically forcing Origin to start the game over again, this time with a hard deadline from EA coming up fast.
05:59They were never going to be able to deliver half of what they'd originally promised
06:02so to meet the deadline, they basically took a hatchet to the gameplay and plot
06:06stripping it down to the most bare-bones story imaginable.
06:09As you'd expect, the preliminary buzz was huge
06:13and the major gaming magazines and websites were on their knees
06:16jockeying for position to be the first in line to give EA the most sumptuous review blowjob imaginable.
06:21Yeah, take note of these assholes, people.
06:23You know, I tell it to you straight, but these are your mainstream game critics.
06:27A good chance this could be the greatest RPG of all time.
06:31This game is one of the best-looking titles we've ever seen in any genre.
06:36As Ultima 9 Ascension powers up, we fully expect the Richter Scale to be off the charts.
06:42Nothing less than breathtaking.
06:44Ultima 9 Ascension is destined to be a classic, worthy of a place in game history.
06:49Yeah, it's got a place in gaming history, alright, because Ultima 9 is the most insultingly bad Ultima game in the entire series
06:56and a top contender for the most blundered finale to an epic storyline in the history of fiction.
07:02From a technical standpoint, the game was buggy as hell and extremely crash-prone
07:07and that was if you were using the right 3D accelerator card.
07:10If you were using a direct 3D card, well, you were just fucked.
07:14From a storytelling standpoint...
07:17Alright, look, Ultima 8 was bad, okay? Ultima 8 was really bad.
07:22You saw how mad I got over that one.
07:25What? No!
07:29Ultima 9 is way, way fucking worse, because unlike Ultima 8, it wasn't just bad gameplay.
07:37It wasn't the shitty platforming over instant death lakes.
07:40It wasn't even the exploding treasure chest every two minutes.
07:43Those were bad, but those were technical issues and technical issues can be fixed.
07:49Here, it was the storyline. The complete betrayal of a fucking storyline.
07:55The biggest betrayal ever inflicted on a loyal fanbase up until Spider-Man cut a deal with fucking Mephisto.
08:02It was such a big betrayal that everyone involved with the design of this fucking game
08:07belongs frozen to the waist on the ninth circle of hell,
08:10getting cornholed in the eye sockets by pineapple-dicked demons from now until the end of fucking time.
08:16This is the worst, most insulting game I ever played in my fucking life, and it can go right to hell along with them.
08:23We're about to jump balls deep into it, so get ready, motherfuckers, it's gonna get loud.
08:28Okay, so the game opens up with a video of a farmer pulling a cart through a field.
08:35Very slowly.
08:37And suddenly he hears a rumbling, and a colossal column erupts from the earth, ruining his field.
08:43After that, a huge rock falls from the top of the column and crushes the farmer, who apparently has the slowest reaction speed ever charted.
08:50Come on, man, it's been like a full minute, you couldn't even back away a couple steps?
08:54You're a Britannian farmer, you had to have seen weirder shit than this.
08:57That one dude has a Kilrathi starfighter in his field.
09:01Avatar, arise from your slumber.
09:05The Guardian has invaded Britannia, and Lord British has summoned you for your final adventure.
09:12And there we have it. 90 seconds. Impressive.
09:16It only took a minute and a half for this game's narrative to completely collapse in on itself.
09:20You know, it's not a good sign when the very first thing we see in this game completely contradicts the ending of the last game we played.
09:27And in case you need one, a very brief recap.
09:30At the conclusion of Ultima VIII Pagan, the Avatar lied, betrayed, murdered, and wreaked untold destruction on the world of Pagan,
09:37so he could kill the Titans of the Four Elements and absorb their power, to become a god and return to Britannia.
09:42He creates his own Black Gate and steps through to find Britannia as a barren wasteland, crushed under the massive red thumb of the Guardian.
09:49No! I slept too long!
09:55Or, you know, not. I guess, retcon? That's not what happened.
10:01He didn't go back to Britannia, even though that's what we just saw.
10:05Apparently the Avatar was really tired from all this becoming-a-god business and decided to go back to his home in fucking Texas and sleep it off for a while instead.
10:13I mean, I guess I can understand that. It's not like there was any sense of urgency to get back to Britannia.
10:18Oh, wait!
10:20Your two worlds will be crushed. Britannia first, then Earth.
10:26How do you fuck this up?
10:28I know I said I kinda retired the bit, but I gotta do it. I gotta break out the plot hole counter gimmick.
10:33Betrayal!
10:34So, for those of you playing at home, see if you can guess how high we'll finally end up getting, but, uh, my personal advice?
10:39Woo!
10:43Avatar, arise from your slumber. The G-
10:47Ah! I passed out! Never mind, I'm okay!
10:49The Guardian has invaded Britannia.
10:52The Guardian, you say? No shit?
10:55Actually, you learn just a little bit later in the game that the Guardian really invaded Britannia about 20 years ago in Britannian time.
11:02And not only does the Avatar seem surprised and completely unaware that's even happened-
11:06Betrayal!
11:07But the guy talking to you talks like it just happened a few minutes ago, which may not seem like that big of a mistake to get all that worked up about,
11:14except for the fact that the guy making this mistake is the fucking Time Lord!
11:18Betrayal!
11:19The Guardian has invaded Britannia, and Lord British has summoned you for your final adventure.
11:26Well, then why didn't he summon my ass 20 goddamn years ago?
11:30Betrayed me!
11:31The Time Lord, no, not that one, this Time Lord, he tells you to get all your gear and get ready to go back to Britannia.
11:38This whole thing is obviously a tutorial level to get you acclimated to the new interface, but why couldn't we just do this in Britannia or in a flashback?
11:46What was the point of this, of changing the ending here and relocating everything to fucking Texas?
11:52What was the reasoning behind completely alienating your fanbase by screwing your continuity in the fucking ear?
11:58Betrayed me!
11:59Why the fuck do I have a book about how fun it is to read books? Is the Avatar fucking retarded?
12:04Betrayal!
12:05You know what, stupid question, as you'll soon see.
12:09Fuck you, EA, you killed Ultima! Fuck you!
12:12Surely you will not go adventuring without clothes.
12:15I think your clothes are in the bathroom.
12:17Where everyone keeps all their clothes.
12:19Oh, what, do people on Earth keep their clothes in their bedrooms? What idiots!
12:23You go get all your gear, like a belt with quick inventory slots, a backpack, a compass, a journal, everything except your Orb of the Moons.
12:31You know, that immensely powerful and useful thing that opens moon gates.
12:35I guess we won't need that, since we stopped the moon gates from working in Ultima VII.
12:40Oh, wait!
12:41This game sucks!
12:46Fridge doors do not sound like this!
12:49Not even the ones they made of steel in the 1940s! Listen to this!
12:56Oh my god!
13:02It's not real. It's not real, it's not happening again. It's all in your head.
13:06Why does the Avatar have a hopscotch thing in his driveway?
13:10Big hopscotch player, is he?
13:12Betrayal!
13:13You go to a public park, which is apparently the only way out of your house.
13:16Just think for a second how much sense that makes.
13:19And you run into a fucking wolf!
13:21Yeah, this public park apparently has a serious problem with dangerous roving packs of deadly timber wolves.
13:27Something I would probably bring up at the next city council meeting.
13:32Wait, what the fuck?
13:34There's a pirate in the park, too?
13:36What's with this guy? He just sees me in the park and brandishes a fucking cutlass?
13:40Betrayed me!
13:41I just murdered a man in a public park, great.
13:44Now I get to tell the cops that I'm the fucking Avatar and I'm on serious Avatar business.
13:48Giant spiders, too?
13:50There's giant spiders in the park.
13:52I think they're the size of a fucking football!
13:54Betrayal!
13:55Is there anything else?
13:57Any other enormous, mythical, verminous monsters you want to throw into a Texas children's playground?
14:02Wesley, what about the RUSs?
14:05Rodents of unusual size? I don't think they exist.
14:09What the fuck?
14:11Now what is this shit?
14:13All my skills are at novice.
14:15Strength is weak, dex is clumsy, and intelligence is dim.
14:19Fuck you!
14:20Where'd all my shit go?
14:22The magic shit I got from Pagan.
14:24The obscene magical powers.
14:26At the end of Pagan you become the titan of fucking Aether,
14:29the god of all magic,
14:31and now my intelligence is dim.
14:33This game sucks!
14:35What, did the Avatar go back to Earth and spend eight months huffing paint?
14:38Fuck.
14:39So you fight your way through all the pirates and the RUSs
14:42and you find a gypsy wagon and do the usual tarot card thing to pick your starting class.
14:46But here's a pro tip.
14:48Don't pick a spellcasting class, because unbeknownst to you,
14:51magic in Britannia doesn't work until way, way later in the game.
14:56So if you pick a mage, your main strength is completely useless, so you're fucked.
15:01More fucked, in fact, than if you pick the weakest class, the shepherd,
15:04because at least the shepherd starts with a good weapon.
15:06There is much you can learn here that will help you on your journey.
15:10What journey?
15:11What, what journey?
15:13Hello, the Guardian?
15:15Fucking remember the Guardian?
15:17Betrayal!
15:18What journey? You destroyed an entire fucking planet to get back to fighting him.
15:21Long have you been the savior of Britannia.
15:24Eight times before you have made this trip.
15:26Nope, wrong, it was seven times going to Britannia,
15:29because some of the games in the series, like Pagan, didn't take place on Britannia.
15:33To help you on your way, your strength, dexterity and intelligence
15:37will be increased when you go through the portal to Britannia.
15:40Why?
15:41Your knowledge of the land shall be great.
15:44Oh my God, you guys don't even know how funny that is yet.
15:47Once you arrive in Britannia, you will find a chest of supplies
15:51appropriate to your chosen path that I have left for you in the Tower of Stonegate.
15:56Why wouldn't I go to Castle British? Why would I go to Stonegate?
15:58That's not even close where I need to be.
16:00Betrayed me!
16:02Anyway, you run around the park getting yourself outfitted with armor and weapons,
16:05and once you're ready for battle, a Moongate opens up and it's purple!
16:08Wrong! Wrong! This is wrong!
16:11Moongates are not fucking purple and never have been!
16:15Betrayal!
16:16So you step through the purple Moongate and appear on a mountaintop,
16:20and what happened to the Moongate?
16:22I should have appeared by stepping through the other side of the purple Moongate,
16:26which you just fucking showed me!
16:28Now I appear by some kind of Mega Man teleport beam.
16:31Betrayal!
16:32You see the Guardian's head-shaped fortress,
16:34which by the way looks nothing like it did at the end of Ultima 8.
16:37Betrayed me!
16:39And then a dragon appears, so the Avatar reaches for his weapons,
16:42which are now missing for no reason that is ever explained.
16:46This game sucks!
16:48How? Why?
16:50I ask because Moongates do not steal your weapons,
16:53and what did we spend all that time collecting shit on Earth for anyway?
16:57And the Avatar doesn't look anything like he did at the end of Ultima fucking 8!
17:01Sucks!
17:02So without your weapons, the dragon just immediately incinerates you.
17:06Ah! Never mind! I'm fine somehow, but I'm in my underwear on a completely different tower!
17:10Now I'm in a bedroom somewhere!
17:12Ah! Why am I alive?
17:14I'm completely unmoored, I'm bilocating, and the game hasn't even started!
17:18Where am I?
17:20Sucks!
17:21You will not be safe here at Stonegate for long.
17:25Unlike on Earth, you are now vulnerable.
17:28Implying that on Earth I wasn't vulnerable?
17:31Well, let's see what our inventory is like.
17:34My clothes and backpack survived the trip,
17:36although nothing inside the backpack did except for a loaf of bread.
17:40Betrayal!
17:41Okay, no weapons.
17:43Ah, my sexton is here, so I'll just use that to figure out where I am,
17:46even though using a sexton indoors is impossible.
17:49Betrayal!
17:50And when you exit Stonegate, guess what?
17:53The skies are blue!
17:54Nothing like the red skies we just saw!
17:57Betrayed me!
17:58When you get to the only exit, you find it blocked by a dude with huge shoulder pads called a Wormguard.
18:04They're called that because they ride dragons,
18:06only they never actually do it in the game, just in that one cutscene.
18:10My master will be most pleased with me when I bring you to him.
18:14Uh, hey dude?
18:16You kind of forgot your dragon, and you might kind of need him,
18:19because if you had a dra- all I've got is a dagger.
18:21If you had a dragon, I might just kind of give up.
18:24Okay, well, I just killed the fearsome Wormguard with a dagger.
18:28Not so tough without his dragon, is he?
18:30So in the cave the guy is guarding, you find a teleporter.
18:33And get this, you're gonna love this.
18:35Guess where the teleporter goes?
18:37Castle British, right in the middle of the fucking courtyard.
18:40So, you have arrived at last.
18:42My name is Hennington, I'm Lord British's seneschal.
18:45Why the fuck would this exist?
18:47How?
18:48Betrayal!
18:49He literally has a teleporter from his front door
18:52to the middle of Lord British's castle.
18:54He could walk right in and just kill everyone instantaneously.
18:57And may I remind you very quickly,
18:59that magic isn't supposed to be working right now.
19:02You're told this fairly quickly by the court mage
19:04who can't cast any magic spells.
19:06Betrayal!
19:07Oh, what's that?
19:08The court mage of Castle British is some old dude named Nystal
19:11and not this young lady?
19:13Well, I'm glad you noticed, because he's not here,
19:15and he's never mentioned by anyone,
19:17and the Avatar never questions his absence.
19:19Betrayal!
19:20And there's no Sherry the talking mouse either.
19:22Betrayal!
19:23And sadly, no fucking chuckles.
19:26And oh, to wonder what he'd have been like
19:28in this fucking piece of shit game.
19:30This game sucks!
19:32And I guess in 20 years they tore the whole castle down
19:34and rebuilt it from scratch,
19:36because the floor plan of this castle is nothing.
19:38And I mean NOTHING like it was in the previous games.
19:41Betrayed me!
19:43But returning to Lord British himself, check this out.
19:45Look, immediately, just wrong, you know?
19:48Why is Lord British so fucking old now?
19:51It's only been 20 years, which may seem like a lot,
19:54but it's nothing in Britannian time.
19:56Suddenly he's gone from hale and hearty
19:58to this broken-down old codger.
20:00Betrayal!
20:01What evil has been unleashed in Britannia?
20:03I'm not entirely sure.
20:05What evil?
20:06The Guardian! You shitheel!
20:08You've been fighting the motherfucker for four goddamn games!
20:11How do you not know this?
20:13What evil has been unleashed in Britannia?
20:15Your knowledge of the land shall be great.
20:18Of course you're free to take any supplies
20:20that you find here in my castle.
20:22There is even some money there.
20:24Oh, yeah, sack of gold pieces and anything I want from the castle.
20:27On a scale of 1 to 10 of helpfulness,
20:29that rate's a jack-point shit.
20:31Seriously?
20:32Motherfucker's been waiting 20 years for my ass
20:34and he couldn't get together some weapons and armor
20:36to equip me by now?
20:37He's not even like a decent fucking steel sword laying around.
20:40How many fucking times have I swung by this goddamn castle
20:43to save the world
20:44and Lord British has never given me the shit
20:46I need to do my fucking job?
20:47Also, just chilling around the throne room,
20:49there's this gargoyle dude.
20:50I don't know who he is
20:51and I don't know why he's flying in place
20:53for seemingly no reason.
20:54And while I'm at it,
20:55I'm pretty sure winged flight doesn't allow you
20:57to hover in place.
20:58Sucks!
20:59And don't tell me he's a wizard or shit,
21:01because fuck you.
21:02To be the sad brother of the gargoyles.
21:04I'm sorry, but what?
21:06I mean, who are the gargoyles?
21:09What the gargoyles are?
21:10You wouldn't know them.
21:11You only stole their most sacred holy book,
21:13dropped the Earth's crust on their homeland
21:15and spent the entirety of Ultima VI
21:17dealing with them, you dumb fuck!
21:19BETRAYAL!
21:20I'm sorry, but what?
21:21I mean, who are the gargoyles?
21:26I mean, what in the...
21:28Who are the gargoyles?
21:30Who the fuck is this guy
21:31and what's he done with the fucking avatar
21:33of this useless, retarded, scum-lapping shitbag?
21:39The Codex of Ultimate Wisdom?
21:43The Codex of Ultimate Wisdom?
21:47The Codex of Ultimate Wisdom?
22:08I can't. This is what I'm dealing with.
22:11This is like the Pope asking what the fucking Bible is!
22:14The Codex of Ultimate Wisdom?
22:16Your knowledge of the land shall be great.
22:19Do not believe that the Avatar can have forgotten about the Codex of Ultimate Wisdom.
22:23No fucking shit!
22:25To know that the Codex will answer any question asked of it, provided the lenses are used.
22:31To know that without the lenses, the Codex appears to be gibberish.
22:36Uh, no it doesn't. That's not how the Codex works.
22:39The Codex of Ultimate Wisdom?
22:41And the lenses do not translate the Codex.
22:44It allows people to see into the ethereal void where the Codex was sent.
22:48Again in Ultima 6!
22:50And speaking of that, how did the Codex get out of the ethereal void and back on Britannia?
22:55Do you have any fucking clue how hard it was to send the Codex there in the first fucking place?
23:00How in the fuck do you make a game that makes less sense than Ultima fucking 1?
23:04I mean, okay, in Ultima 1 you had a medieval society with a booming trade in space shuttles,
23:09but at least in that game you didn't have ten previous games of backstory to fuck up.
23:13I'm gonna cut the game coded in basic and like 1980 some slack.
23:17Oh god, so you talk to the court mage and she explains something called spellbinding,
23:21which binds spells to spellbooks.
23:23And if that's confusing, I understand, because it's something we've never had to do before,
23:27because magic, which doesn't work, works totally different now.
23:31Or at least it would work different now if it worked, which it doesn't.
23:34I'm not entirely sure.
23:36Anyway, she can't even remember how to do the ritual and she's the court mage of Britain.
23:40Betrayal!
23:42Just outside the mage's room you find a shitload of crystal balls just sitting out there on the veranda,
23:46including one, heh, it's centered right on the Guardian's fortress?
23:50Okay, I'll play.
23:52If Lord British has a crystal ball aimed right at the motherfucker's fortress,
23:56how is he not sure what evil threatens Britannia?
23:59I'm not entirely sure.
24:01He knows exactly where the Guardian is!
24:03Why the fuck has he not gone over there to kick his big red ass?
24:06He can't! The press!
24:08Fuck this, Lord British has been playing my ass for too long.
24:11I'm gonna give him this loaf of bread I made back on Earth as a present for the huge help he's been to me up to now.
24:16He won't even heal you in this game.
24:18And before you tell me he can't because magic doesn't work,
24:21it didn't fucking work in Ultima 7 either, it didn't stop him then.
24:24Betrayal!
24:25Check this out, I made special bread for you, King Asshat.
24:28Made it in my bread machine and dumped a fucking box of rat poison in that shit.
24:31What's with this guy anyway?
24:33He's a king and he just sees a whole loaf of dry, nasty ass bread on a plate with nothing else,
24:38and he just figures, okay, and he crams the fucking loaf in his mouth?
24:41What an asshole.
24:43But do take some food with you. You'll need to keep your strength up.
24:46Keep my strength up?
24:48Oh yes, food will help keep you strong and make you heal faster, you know.
24:52Yes, a maid has to explain to the Avatar why it's good to eat food.
24:57The Avatar is too stupid to eat.
25:00And why is the kitchen behind a secret door?
25:03There are more secret doors in this castle than real ones.
25:06Literally, I checked.
25:07I also like this metal shitbiscuit who offers to train you for 300 gold pieces,
25:11moments after he said Lord British commanded him to offer you all courtesies.
25:16Yeah, apparently all courtesies doesn't encompass lending me his armor, weapons,
25:20or fucking free sword lessons.
25:22There's a wide variety of armor that you can get.
25:24Everything from leather to plate.
25:26The leather armor is probably the weakest.
25:28Probably? Leather's probably the weakest?
25:32You don't know this?
25:34I'm not entirely sure.
25:36It only gets worse.
25:37And I mean way worse when you leave the castle and explore Britain.
25:41There's a hedge maze just outside,
25:43which naturally was never there in any game before this,
25:46and a floaty fleamy sword in the middle of it.
25:49I mean, why would it be there?
25:51Why didn't Lord British tell you about it?
25:54Britain itself is way smaller than it used to be in other games.
25:57It's only got like a handful of buildings with a population of,
26:00I don't know, maybe 25, 30 people,
26:03and that's counting the people in the castle.
26:05But all the people in town are assholes now
26:07because of all the weird columns that appear.
26:09The columns are magically twisting the virtue
26:11so that everyone behaves in the opposite of each city's official virtue.
26:15So because Britain's the city of compassion,
26:17everyone's behaving like a callous bastard now.
26:19Look at what you just did!
26:22Do you not see that pile of dirt?
26:24You just...
26:25Ah, I'm inside the Street Sweeper!
26:27The Guardian controls the camera!
26:29The mayor of Britain's gone on this huge campaign
26:31of exiling the poor and sick out of town
26:33to somewhere else where they can die out of sight
26:35and stop taking advantage of people's charity
26:37and dragging down the economy.
26:39Insert Republican healthcare joke here.
26:41But here's the thing.
26:42If the column has made everyone in Britain a complete dickhead,
26:45why aren't the people in the castle angry and unhelpful too?
26:48In fact, everyone in the castle's been rather pleasant.
26:51I'm not entirely sure.
26:53Oh, I'm sorry.
26:55My name is Marjorie.
26:57Oh, Jesus fuck.
26:58Can nobody in Britain pick a fucking accent and stick with it?
27:01Well, linear spells work.
27:03And scrolls still work.
27:04Oh, hello, mate.
27:06How are you, then?
27:07Why does his dialogue look Cockney in text
27:09when he talks like he's from Tennessee?
27:11Go on in. Have a look about.
27:13All I know is there's supposed to be a piece behind the wall of water.
27:16Hello, what have we got here, then?
27:19Your Honor, I swear to you, I am innocent.
27:22French? There's a France in Britannia?
27:25Where?
27:26No, he can't be.
27:27I may be old, but I wager I've still got some skills you haven't seen.
27:32You get many hillbillies in Britannia, do we?
27:34Yes, of course.
27:35It's all part of his policy to clean up the city
27:38and make it safe.
27:40And I support it.
27:41Aw, come on, you can do better than that.
27:43How about some kind of racist Chinese laundry guy accent?
27:46Get offensive here, swing for the cheap seats.
27:48Michael, bathe this bitch.
27:50Oh, Avatar, is that you?
27:52Oh, boy, oh, boy.
27:54Oh, no.
27:55Hi, Avatar.
27:57Look, I look just like you.
28:01Oh, no.
28:02So, anyway, I thought that a goat would be good for him,
28:05so I got him a goat.
28:07Neat, huh?
28:08Oh, excellent.
28:10You're really going there, aren't you?
28:12Betrayal!
28:13You've created the gayvatar?
28:15Oh, please, keep my secret.
28:17Please, please, please.
28:19And what can we do to you?
28:21This game touched me, and I can never show you where.
28:25You know, sometimes I just...
28:28What do I even say about this?
28:30There is not a single fundamental level of my existence.
28:34This game has not found a way to horrify me.
28:37I am shocked to my fucking core.
28:39In this game, blatantly stealing stuff right in front of people
28:42and ransacking their houses for goods
28:44has absolutely no impact on virtue.
28:46Remember, it's not stealing if you have the key,
28:49which I stole.
28:51Stealing is almost expected of you to get decent weapons and armor,
28:54because, get this, all you can even get in Britain in the store
28:57is leather armor.
28:59I repeat, the only armor available
29:01in the supposedly biggest city in the world,
29:04the seat of power, the capital of Britannia,
29:08is piecemeal leather armor.
29:10I am the goddamn Avatar.
29:13Why in the flying fuck am I more poorly equipped than the city guards?
29:17This game sucks!
29:19You find out that the original strongholds
29:21devoted to truth, love, and courage
29:23were all destroyed by the Guardian or other disasters.
29:26So they built a new cathedral in Britain devoted to love,
29:29only, well, they kind of, sort of forgot
29:31the most important thing to the religion
29:33when they cleared out Empath Abbey.
29:35Tragically, our most beloved icon,
29:38the Candle of Love, was lost when the abbey was destroyed.
29:41What is the Candle of Love?
29:43Your knowledge of the land shall be great.
29:46Well, it's only one of the most important relics
29:48in your entire fucking religion,
29:50and you use it to destroy the Shadow Lords.
29:53Idiot!
29:54You call me an idiot?
29:56Yes! I'm calling you an idiot!
29:58You and the stupid, useless, shit-licking, sloppy son of a bitch
30:01who wrote this fuckpocalypse!
30:03Why else would the goddamn Avatar
30:05have to ask all these stupid fucking questions?
30:07How do I get to pause?
30:09You should know this, because you've been there
30:11in four Ultima games!
30:13Your knowledge of the land shall be great.
30:16I swear to God, I'm gonna find the donut puncher
30:18who wrote this piece of bitch and make him shit his own fucking teeth.
30:21Why are you so unpleasant?
30:23Why are you such an asshole?
30:25Do you take me for a common fool?
30:27Fuck me, the voice acting sucks right across the board,
30:30but how mad should I really be at the actors
30:32when the script is so fucking irredeemably horrible?
30:35The Avatar character is completely destroyed
30:38and turned into a mockery, completely devoid of depth
30:41and acting completely out of character, given his backstory.
30:44And I don't even know how you can really write the Avatar out of character,
30:48given that pretty much all of his dialogue up to this point
30:51was name, job and bi.
30:53But I can't cut the actors any slack,
30:55they're all fucking terrible!
30:57This guy makes the Avatar sound like he used to play football in high school
31:00until he fell out of a fucking pickup truck and hit his head.
31:03Sure, let's go!
31:05This was the best they could do?
31:07This assmaster couldn't act wet in a thunderstorm!
31:09I mean, granted, I don't know who the fuck could act well enough
31:12to somehow make this script suck less.
31:14It ain't exactly Shakespeare we're dealing with.
31:16The Avatar is voiced by J.C. Shakespeare.
31:19We are literally watching Shakespearean acting.
31:23Why do I find you so attractive?
31:25You know, I gotta show you this bit.
31:28It's skipping ahead a little bit, but fuck it.
31:30I'm gonna show you the absolute worst line in the entire fucking game.
31:36And just think about that for a second.
31:38Given all the shit we've seen up to now,
31:40and we're not even 20 minutes into this game...
31:44Yeah.
31:45It's when you go to another city called Trinsic,
31:48which is the City of Honor.
31:50You are not gonna believe this shit.
31:52How are you today?
31:54I thought that I knew all of the paladins around here.
31:56What's a paladin?
32:00What's a paladin?
32:04What's a paladin?
32:08Show it again.
32:09What's a paladin?
32:10AGAIN!
32:12What's a paladin?
32:13AGAIN!
32:15What's a paladin?
32:16What's a PALADIN?!
32:20What's a paladin?
32:24You know, when I first played this game a long time ago,
32:27Ich musste aufhören. Ich musste aufstehen und weggehen und es musste mich eine Woche oder zwei Wochen dauern, bevor ich das verdammte Spiel wieder spielen konnte.
32:35Denn diese Linie, was ist ein Paladin, ist so schlimm. Und das ist nicht wegen der Stimme, nicht ganz.
32:43Ich meine, vertraut mir, die Stimme dort ist die Scheiße der verdammten Legende, aber das ist nicht es.
32:50Es ist offensiv. Es ist offensiv für jeden vertrauten Fan, der jemals Geld für ein Ultima-Spiel bezahlt hat.
32:58Es ist ein Mittelfinger, direkt auf den Arsch, für jemanden, der jemals eine Scheiße gegeben hat, jemanden, der emotional in die Geschichte oder die Charaktere investiert wurde. Warum?
33:07Nun, nicht nur hat der Avatar Paladins umgekehrt, seit er vorher der verdammte Avatar war.
33:13Einer seiner nächsten Freunde und der älteste, stämmigste Freunde durch jede Abenteuer, Sir Dupre, war ein Paladin,
33:21der sein Leben verbracht hat, indem er in einem Kremationsofen in dem Platz des Avatars lebte, um die ganze Welt und den Kosmos zu retten, wie wir es kennen.
33:31Er war einer der beweglichsten, schockierendsten Charakterstöße in der Geschichte des Spiels. Und wie, oh wie, erinnert sich der Avatar an sein nobles Verbruch?
33:41Was ist ein Paladin?
33:42Was ist ein Paladin?
33:45Verdammt nochmal!
33:48Ich habe dieses Spiel noch nicht angefangen, und überall, wo ich drehe, sehe ich etwas, wovon ich stundenlang reden könnte.
33:55Das Schlimmste in Britannien ist das Museum des Avatars, und ich kann immer noch nicht glauben, wie verdächtig das war.
34:02Sie haben in diesem verdammten Gebäude absolut alles falsch gemacht.
34:07Zuerst redet man mit der Künstlerin des Museums, die sich beschwert, dass die Menschen in Britannien schrecklich sind,
34:12aber warum ist sie nicht wie alle anderen von den Kolumnen betroffen?
34:16Oh, Avatar, denkst du, dass du die verlorenen Ruinen finden kannst?
34:19Bitte erneuere meine Erinnerung an die Ruinen. Was ist ein Paladin?
34:23Sie sagt, dass die Ruinsteine der acht Werte, die im Museum gehalten wurden, vor etwa 20 Jahren gestohlen wurden.
34:29Aber wenn das tatsächlich ist, warum ist da immer noch ein zerbrochenes Glas über dem verdammten Flur?
34:33Hat niemand seit Jahrzehnten aufgetaucht?
34:36Vertraut mir!
34:37Ich weiß nicht, vielleicht würde es nicht passieren, wenn es hier Gäste gäbe, die nur sagen würden.
34:42Ich kann mir nicht vorstellen, dass hier eigentlich niemanden ist.
34:45Warum höre ich die Geräusche, als ob der Raum mit Hunderten von Leuten gefüllt wäre?
34:52Ich höre die Stimmen wieder!
34:54Über die Jahre haben verschiedene Menschen versucht, die Ruinen zu finden, aber bis jetzt hat niemand.
34:59Ich weiß nicht, habt ihr versucht, euch in den riesigen, verdammt glänzenden Kolumnen der Böse zu anschauen?
35:05Warum in der Hölle hat niemand sich daran geäußert, die riesigen, offensichtlich bösen Kolumnen in 20 verdammten Jahren zu untersuchen?
35:11Wurden die Briten niemanden angeschaut?
35:13Oh, ich kann sehen, dass der Mutterfucker ein wirklich beschäftigter Typ ist.
35:16Verletz dich nicht auf dem Thron, Rich.
35:18Hat niemand in Britannien überhaupt eine verdammte Initiative?
35:21Ich bin mir nicht ganz sicher.
35:23Jedenfalls, schaut euch die Exhibiten im Museum an.
35:25Schaut euch das an!
35:27Verdammt nochmal!
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