Ultima 8: Pagan (Part 1) by Noah Antwiler | The Spoony Experiment
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Alle Mongotare:
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✓ Kapitän Kevin Playliste: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLlWQ-4sbH3WWA7N8NSQ5tGrLe0u-3uSPf
✓Gemischte LACHKUH Tüte
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✓Der Asozialste Talk im Netz Playliste:
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❤️-❤️-❤️-❤️-❤️-❤️-❤️
Überall Folgne Alder!
In mein LINKTREE findest du mein Twitter und mein DAYLIEMOTION Archiv, wo ich alles Uploade was geil ist und weit auf Youtube verstreut is: https://linkr.bio/KanalMongomedial
Transcript
00:00I met you on a Thursday, right after you walked
00:07Well, Saturday I'm a-beggin' on you baby, just leave me alone
00:14You're turnin' me upside down, pullin' me to the ground
00:18When you shake me, shake me, I'm givin' you what you need
00:22And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
00:30And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
00:35And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
01:00And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
01:05And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
01:10And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
01:15And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
01:20And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
01:25And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
01:29And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
01:33And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
01:37And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
01:41And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
01:45And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
01:49And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
01:53And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
01:57And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
02:01And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
02:05And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
02:09And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
02:13And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
02:17And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
02:21And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
02:25And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
02:29And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
02:33And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
02:37And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
02:41And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
02:45And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
02:49And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love
02:53Okay, so after you save all of Britannia by restoring the cosmic serpents of balance, order and chaos to their rightful place in the ethereal plane,
03:00the Guardian takes this opportunity, since you're sort of cosmically adrift, and abducts you.
03:05We do have a score to settle.
03:07Can't help you, Avatar. Sorry, we're really busy, but good luck with that.
03:12You have been a thorn in my side for far too long, Avatar.
03:18He tells you he's exiling you to a world he's already conquered into his dominion called Pagan,
03:23where there's no hope of escape and nobody's even heard of the Avatar.
03:30I banish you to the world of Pagan.
03:39No one here knows of the Avatar.
03:43Yeah, that's new. Nobody's heard of me.
03:45You know what? I'm still not over this. This fucking peckerwood still pisses me off.
03:49How do you not know the goddamn Avatar, I ask? I mean, really?
03:52So the Guardian drops your ass in the ocean and promises to keep you updated as he conquers Britannia now that you're out of the way.
03:58Although all that really means is he repeats the same three or four lines through the entire game about how Britannia's burning. It's tedious.
04:05At this very moment, Britannia burns.
04:08At this very moment, Britannia burns.
04:12Hark, is that the sweet song of lamentation I hear?
04:16At this very moment, Britannia burns.
04:20Hark, is that the sweet song of lamentation I hear?
04:24Anyway, some fisherman named Devon hauls you out of the water in his net and, you know, already I got big problems with this game.
04:31Just look at the Avatar. I mean, what happened?
04:34He's dressed like a fucking clown all of a sudden with some retarded bucket on his head.
04:39He doesn't look anything like he did at the end of Serpent Isle at all.
04:42And when you open your inventory, everything's gone.
04:45I mean, everything?
04:47Every single thing he had.
04:49The magic armor, the rings, the earrings, all that stuff that was literally belted on him,
04:54all the super magic serpent artifacts that made me unto a god, and now they're just gone.
04:59So I start thinking, well, maybe he was sinking in the water and he took all of it off to keep from drowning, right?
05:04But no, look at this. He looks this way when the Guardian dumps his ass on Pagan.
05:08So what, did the Guardian, like, take his big fucking hand and completely undress the Avatar all by himself
05:13and then throw him this completely ridiculous set of clothes, like,
05:16HAHAHAHAHAHA! Good luck on Pagan dressed like this, shithead!
05:21Hohohoho, man! Ah, you look like such an asshole!
05:25You don't even get to pick your character's gender or appearance anymore.
05:28You're just stuck with this blonde doofus dude.
05:31But it's just as well, because your character spends this entire time as this blank slate with a bucket on his head.
05:36Because there's no roleplaying here. You don't have any choices or moral imperative anymore,
05:40and there's basically no story to speak of.
05:42Well, alright, you want to know what the story is?
05:44You watch up on shore, and Devon tells you to go talk to a sage about how to get off Pagan.
05:49Well done, mortal. The item of Blackrock, which you now possess,
05:53is the first key to unlocking tremendous power within yourself.
05:58Oh, oh yeah, the 20-25 bucks I spent on that Ultima speech pack?
06:02Money well spent.
06:04The sage tells you the only way off is to kill the four titans of the elements who rule Pagan,
06:09and absorb their powers to become a titan yourself.
06:12Basically a god of all four elements.
06:14Beyond earth, water, air, and fire, there is another element. A fifth element.
06:21The fifth element? No!
06:23Lilu Dallas Multipass.
06:25And that's seriously it. You go to a rock level, a fire level, a water level, and a wind level.
06:30You get an artifact in each one that allows you to kill the titan,
06:33and then you build the Blackrock Gate and win.
06:36And while that might sound interesting, like,
06:38oh, we're exploring cool, weird alien environments,
06:41yeah, believe me, it's not.
06:43Because every goddamn level looks the exact fucking same.
06:48Dark, grey, monochrome caves.
06:52Everywhere you go, it's a grey cave.
06:55Or a grey tunnel.
06:56Grey caves.
06:57Grey halls.
06:59Every fucking thing in this game is grey.
07:05Half the time I doubt you'd even be able to tell if you're indoors or outdoors.
07:08I mean, can you guess what element this place is?
07:11It's fire. Obviously, right?
07:14What about this one? Can you guess?
07:15Wind.
07:16It's just all so featureless, and grey, and boring, and grey,
07:22and there's no landmarks or points of reference,
07:25and everywhere looks the same no matter where you are.
07:27And it doesn't help that 90% of the fucking enemies in this game
07:31are zombies and ghosts no matter where you go.
07:34There's nothing that distinguishes one place from another in this fucking game
07:37because there's nothing but grey and zombies.
07:40Oh, well, okay, okay. Sorry, I forgot about the mushrooms.
07:43Pagan is full of giant fucking mushrooms.
07:46I guess because there's never any sunlight on Pagan, or something.
07:49Although there are trees as well, so hell if I know.
07:52This place should be called the Mushroom Kingdom instead of Pagan.
07:54I think all the mushrooms are mainly so they can justify
07:57having these frigging fucking red mushrooms everywhere,
08:00which explode in a fireball whenever you step on them.
08:03Because, you know, in a game with awful, barely working controls,
08:06why not fill your dungeons with lethal mushroom minefields?
08:10You will jump into these fucking things so many goddamn times,
08:14and trying to avoid them would be bullshit
08:16even if the controls weren't absolute garbage, which they are.
08:19Oh, but that's not even close to being the worst of it.
08:23You know what blows you up even more than the fucking mushrooms?
08:27The treasure chests.
08:29Every shit-sucking treasure chest in this game
08:32is apparently trapped with a fucking hand grenade or something
08:35because every fucking one of them explodes
08:37and fucking kills you whenever you fucking open one.
08:40I mean, who does this?
08:42The guards in the city trap their own chests with bombs?
08:45Okay, okay, I'll give you that one.
08:47But I could go to a farmer's house,
08:49and apparently he traps his chest with a fucking claymore, too.
08:52Do they just sell exploding fucking treasure chests at the general store
08:56and everyone's got one?
08:58Wouldn't you want one that doesn't burn your fucking house down when it goes off?
09:01Oh, but get a load of this.
09:03Even if you've got the mother-humping key,
09:05the chest still explodes!
09:08What kind of sense does that make?
09:11I mean, this blows my mind!
09:14How is anyone supposed to open these fucking things?
09:17Fuck!
09:18You know, it'd really be great
09:20if this game allowed you to, I don't know,
09:23create a character that might have the ability to disarm traps on his own.
09:27Just like, ah, what game?
09:30Every other Ultima game before this?
09:33Like, imagine if this happened in The Legend of Zelda
09:35where every fucking chest just detonated when you touched them.
09:38Like, even the one in your house.
09:40Just BAM!
09:42Fuck you!
09:43And when you're playing Ultima 8,
09:45you don't know that every single chest explodes.
09:47You keep thinking, like, you're just unlucky
09:49or, like, they can't all be trapped, right?
10:20Oh, and by the way, having a maxed-out dexterity?
10:22Pfft, doesn't matter.
10:23The only way to get into a chest safely
10:25is to cast the Destroy Trap spell from a scroll.
10:28And even that makes the chest explode!
10:31But you know what the sickest thing is?
10:33The sickest thing of all this?
10:35There's almost never anything more dangerous than a chest explosion.
10:39I mean, I mean, look at this.
10:41I mean, look at this.
10:42I mean, look at this.
10:43I mean, look at this.
10:44I mean, look at this.
10:45I mean, look at this.
10:46I mean, look at this.
10:47I mean, look at this.
10:48There's almost never anything good in any of the chests.
10:51The reward is never worth the risk!
10:53All the best shit in this game
10:55is either lying right out in the open or on dead bodies,
10:57but we gotta do it, right?
10:58You gotta open treasure chests
11:00where, like, hard-wired to get loot.
11:02And also, you need to do it anyway
11:04because you need all the coins you can get
11:05because all the fucking magic spells in this game
11:07cost an arm and a leg,
11:08so you gotta rob everybody in this game blind to get it.
11:11Oh, and if anyone ever sees you stealing
11:13or even moving something that doesn't belong to you,
11:16dieses Arschloch erscheint und macht euch explodieren!
11:21Explodieren wie verdammte Looney Tunes, ich meine, Jesus Christ!
11:25Er schießt deinen Arsch auf für die mindesten Verletzungen, das ist verdammt verrückt!
11:29Oh, aber offensichtlich kann ich Stadtgäste töten ohne Überraschungen.
11:33Denk' dir das mal aus.
11:34Aber ich glaube, dass ich vor mir bin.
11:36Ich muss zurück auf die Strandstrecke gehen.
11:38Die grüne Strandstrecke, wo du anfängst,
11:40weil ich erklären muss, wie nicht Ultima dieses Spiel ist.
11:43Zum Beispiel gibt es keine Charakterporträte mehr.
11:46Das ganze Dialog ist in diesem seltsamen, blockigen, digitalen Text,
11:49das einfach nicht gehört.
11:51Außerdem haben wir keine Kompanien mehr,
11:53was ich vermute, ich bekomme, weil wir in einem neuen Weltkreis sind
11:56und niemand uns kennt.
11:57Aber das ist einfach nicht der Fall,
11:59da wir seit Ultima 2 nicht alleine gewesen sind.
12:01Man kann mit der Welt fast so viel wie man in Ultima 7 konnte.
12:04Erinnerst du dich, wie man Brot backen und Schwerter herstellen konnte,
12:07wenn man das wirklich wollte?
12:09Das ist vorbei.
12:10Die Waffen und Schwerter sind auch viel weniger.
12:13Wir haben nur einhändige Waffen.
12:15Es gibt keine Polarme,
12:17keine ausgewählten Waffen,
12:19keine Schwerter,
12:20keine Waffen,
12:21außer wenn du Molotow Cocktails zählst
12:23und ein paar Dinge, die du finden kannst, die Death Disks nennen,
12:25die so unangenehm sind, dass du sie nie benutzen wirst.
12:27Es gibt keine Lockpicks
12:29und für ein Spiel, das dich grundsätzlich von allen zerstören muss,
12:32denkst du, dass das ein Gewinn wäre.
12:34Und das Spiel ist so einfach zu explodieren,
12:36um deine Stats zu maximieren,
12:38es ist hilarisch.
12:39Der Strategie-Guide sagt dir, dass du es machst.
12:41Nicht, dass du einen Strategie-Guide brauchst,
12:43um das herauszufinden.
12:44Ich habe es in etwa zwei Minuten gemacht.
12:46Drehe deine Waffe und klicke links, um zu schwingen.
12:48Und bleib für eine halbe Stunde links klicken.
12:51Für extra Spaß,
12:52schläge den Scheiß aus Devon für eine Weile aus.
12:54Er ist ein NPC,
12:56er stirbt nie,
12:57und er kämpft nie zurück.
12:59Er wird nie wirklich wütend,
13:01weil deine Stärke und Decks erhöhen,
13:03solange du etwas attackierst.
13:05Und es ist egal, was es ist.
13:07Auch wenn du nichts attackierst.
13:09Ich kann meinen ganzen Charakter
13:11in 30 Minuten maximieren.
13:13Willst du deine Intelligenz maximieren?
13:15Schläge einfach ein Spell wieder und wieder.
13:17Und wenn du aus Mana bist,
13:19bleib für eine Stunde und schläge weiter,
13:21bis du maximiert bist,
13:22was etwa 10 Minuten dauert.
13:24Das Spiel ist kaputt.
13:25Naja, zumindest glaubst du es, richtig?
13:27Schau dir das an.
13:28Selbst mit einer maximierten Stärke von 25,
13:30schau dir an, wie lange es dauert,
13:31einen Zombie zu schlagen.
13:38Kannst du das glauben?
13:40Und ich habe eine magische Waffe.
13:42Stell dir vor, wenn ich meine Stärke nicht maximiert hätte,
13:44wie lange würde es dauern?
13:45Gemeinsame Stadtgäste?
13:46Vergiss das.
13:4720, vielleicht 30 Schläge?
13:49Das ist unglaublich.
13:51Und ich habe nicht einmal erwähnt,
13:52wie viele repetitive Overhead-Smash-Attacke
13:54du hast.
13:55Das sieht einfach dumm aus.
13:57Der Avatar schlägt den Scheißer über den Kopf
13:59wie Homie D. Clown.
14:00Das ist für dich.
14:02Und das ist für deinen dummen Vater.
14:05Es gibt in diesem Spiel überhaupt keine Komplexität
14:07oder Strategie für den Kampf.
14:09Es geht einfach nur darum,
14:10die Jungs aufzustehen und zu klicken,
14:11bis sie sterben.
14:12Einfach über und über wieder klicken.
14:14Ich nenne es ähnlich wie Diablo,
14:16aber das wäre eine Entschuldigung,
14:17denn es gibt tatsächlich
14:18Bewegung und Taktik in Diablo.
14:20Ich fühle mich jetzt etwas schlecht,
14:22wenn ich über den Kampf in Ultima 7
14:23schäme.
14:24Ich meine, klar, es war ziemlich unentwickelnd,
14:26aber zumindest gab es noch Strategie
14:28und Vorbereitung für den Kampf.
14:30Es gab dort Partie-Management.
14:31Es war nicht einfach nur Klicken.
14:33Wenn du nicht wirklich fühlst,
14:34wie du kämpfst,
14:35kannst du meistens einfach weglaufen
14:36und sie fangen dich nicht an.
14:38Nach allem,
14:39fast alle Feinde in diesem Spiel sind Zombies.
14:41Sie werden dich nicht fangen.
14:42Okay, naja,
14:43ich habe mich ein bisschen
14:44um das Problem gedreht,
14:45weil ich diese Review nicht
14:46von Anfang an starten wollte,
14:47weil ich völlig kaputt war.
14:48Aber hier ist das Ding.
14:49Ich habe Ultima 8 ursprünglich
14:51auf Floppy-Disk gekauft,
14:52nicht auf diesen.
14:53Und wenn du keine Ahnung hast,
14:54was zum Teufel Floppy-Disks sind,
14:55dann warst du wahrscheinlich
14:56nicht einmal lebendig,
14:57als wir sie benutzt haben.
14:58Aber in den dunklen Zeiten,
14:59vor den Internets,
15:00haben die Leute Daten
15:01auf Dinge gesammelt,
15:02die so aussahen.
15:03Du könntest bis zu 1,44 Megabyte
15:05auf dieses Süßes, Baby.
15:07Das war immer noch
15:08die Zeit,
15:09als wir Lasern
15:10und optische Medien herausgefunden hatten.
15:12Jedenfalls,
15:13die Floppy-Disk-Version
15:14hatte ein bisschen
15:15ein...
15:16Problem?
15:17Das Problem war,
15:18dass sie ein bisschen
15:19irgendwie
15:20komplett,
15:21absolut
15:22verdammt unspielbar war.
15:23Ich meine,
15:24hoffnungslos zerbrochen
15:25auf einem grundlegenden
15:26Design-Niveau.
15:27Und das ist,
15:28weil Ultima 8
15:29die absolut schlimmsten
15:30Jumping-Kontrollen
15:31hat,
15:32die ich je gesehen habe.
15:33Ja,
15:34ich wiederhole,
15:35JUMPING.
15:36Für irgendeine
15:37verrückende,
15:38überraschende Grundlage
15:39haben sie entschieden,
15:40Plattformen
15:41als Hauptzentrum
15:42ihres neuen,
15:43dunklen,
15:44adultorientierten
15:45Role-Playing-Spiels zu machen.
15:46Wer zum Teufel
15:47dachte,
15:48Ultima brauchte
15:49DAS?
15:50Du weißt,
15:51ich habe eine Menge
15:52von Ultima-Spielen reviewt,
15:53aber ich glaube nicht,
15:54dass ich jemals kommentiert habe,
15:55weißt du,
15:56was dieses Spiel wirklich brauchte?
15:57Es brauchte
15:58viele Tipps zum Tod
15:59und viele davon.