Ultima 8： Pagan (Part 1)  by Noah Antwiler | The Spoony Experiment - video Dailymotion

Kanal Mongomedial

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Transcript

00:00I met you on a Thursday, right after you walked

00:07Well, Saturday I'm a-beggin' on you baby, just leave me alone

00:14You're turnin' me upside down, pullin' me to the ground

00:18When you shake me, shake me, I'm givin' you what you need

00:22And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

00:30And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

00:35And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

01:00And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

01:05And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

01:10And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

01:15And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

01:20And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

01:25And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

01:29And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

01:33And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

01:37And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

01:41And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

01:45And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

01:49And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

01:53And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

01:57And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

02:01And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

02:05And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

02:09And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

02:13And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

02:17And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

02:21And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

02:25And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

02:29And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

02:33And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

02:37And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

02:41And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

02:45And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

02:49And I'm beggin', please don't break me, break me, love

02:53Okay, so after you save all of Britannia by restoring the cosmic serpents of balance, order and chaos to their rightful place in the ethereal plane,

03:00the Guardian takes this opportunity, since you're sort of cosmically adrift, and abducts you.

03:05We do have a score to settle.

03:07Can't help you, Avatar. Sorry, we're really busy, but good luck with that.

03:12You have been a thorn in my side for far too long, Avatar.

03:18He tells you he's exiling you to a world he's already conquered into his dominion called Pagan,

03:23where there's no hope of escape and nobody's even heard of the Avatar.

03:30I banish you to the world of Pagan.

03:39No one here knows of the Avatar.

03:43Yeah, that's new. Nobody's heard of me.

03:45You know what? I'm still not over this. This fucking peckerwood still pisses me off.

03:49How do you not know the goddamn Avatar, I ask? I mean, really?

03:52So the Guardian drops your ass in the ocean and promises to keep you updated as he conquers Britannia now that you're out of the way.

03:58Although all that really means is he repeats the same three or four lines through the entire game about how Britannia's burning. It's tedious.

04:05At this very moment, Britannia burns.

04:08At this very moment, Britannia burns.

04:12Hark, is that the sweet song of lamentation I hear?

04:16At this very moment, Britannia burns.

04:20Hark, is that the sweet song of lamentation I hear?

04:24Anyway, some fisherman named Devon hauls you out of the water in his net and, you know, already I got big problems with this game.

04:31Just look at the Avatar. I mean, what happened?

04:34He's dressed like a fucking clown all of a sudden with some retarded bucket on his head.

04:39He doesn't look anything like he did at the end of Serpent Isle at all.

04:42And when you open your inventory, everything's gone.

04:45I mean, everything?

04:47Every single thing he had.

04:49The magic armor, the rings, the earrings, all that stuff that was literally belted on him,

04:54all the super magic serpent artifacts that made me unto a god, and now they're just gone.

04:59So I start thinking, well, maybe he was sinking in the water and he took all of it off to keep from drowning, right?

05:04But no, look at this. He looks this way when the Guardian dumps his ass on Pagan.

05:08So what, did the Guardian, like, take his big fucking hand and completely undress the Avatar all by himself

05:13and then throw him this completely ridiculous set of clothes, like,

05:16HAHAHAHAHAHA! Good luck on Pagan dressed like this, shithead!

05:21Hohohoho, man! Ah, you look like such an asshole!

05:25You don't even get to pick your character's gender or appearance anymore.

05:28You're just stuck with this blonde doofus dude.

05:31But it's just as well, because your character spends this entire time as this blank slate with a bucket on his head.

05:36Because there's no roleplaying here. You don't have any choices or moral imperative anymore,

05:40and there's basically no story to speak of.

05:42Well, alright, you want to know what the story is?

05:44You watch up on shore, and Devon tells you to go talk to a sage about how to get off Pagan.

05:49Well done, mortal. The item of Blackrock, which you now possess,

05:53is the first key to unlocking tremendous power within yourself.

05:58Oh, oh yeah, the 20-25 bucks I spent on that Ultima speech pack?

06:02Money well spent.

06:04The sage tells you the only way off is to kill the four titans of the elements who rule Pagan,

06:09and absorb their powers to become a titan yourself.

06:12Basically a god of all four elements.

06:14Beyond earth, water, air, and fire, there is another element. A fifth element.

06:21The fifth element? No!

06:23Lilu Dallas Multipass.

06:25And that's seriously it. You go to a rock level, a fire level, a water level, and a wind level.

06:30You get an artifact in each one that allows you to kill the titan,

06:33and then you build the Blackrock Gate and win.

06:36And while that might sound interesting, like,

06:38oh, we're exploring cool, weird alien environments,

06:41yeah, believe me, it's not.

06:43Because every goddamn level looks the exact fucking same.

06:48Dark, grey, monochrome caves.

06:52Everywhere you go, it's a grey cave.

06:55Or a grey tunnel.

06:56Grey caves.

06:57Grey halls.

06:59Every fucking thing in this game is grey.

07:05Half the time I doubt you'd even be able to tell if you're indoors or outdoors.

07:08I mean, can you guess what element this place is?

07:11It's fire. Obviously, right?

07:14What about this one? Can you guess?

07:15Wind.

07:16It's just all so featureless, and grey, and boring, and grey,

07:22and there's no landmarks or points of reference,

07:25and everywhere looks the same no matter where you are.

07:27And it doesn't help that 90% of the fucking enemies in this game

07:31are zombies and ghosts no matter where you go.

07:34There's nothing that distinguishes one place from another in this fucking game

07:37because there's nothing but grey and zombies.

07:40Oh, well, okay, okay. Sorry, I forgot about the mushrooms.

07:43Pagan is full of giant fucking mushrooms.

07:46I guess because there's never any sunlight on Pagan, or something.

07:49Although there are trees as well, so hell if I know.

07:52This place should be called the Mushroom Kingdom instead of Pagan.

07:54I think all the mushrooms are mainly so they can justify

07:57having these frigging fucking red mushrooms everywhere,

08:00which explode in a fireball whenever you step on them.

08:03Because, you know, in a game with awful, barely working controls,

08:06why not fill your dungeons with lethal mushroom minefields?

08:10You will jump into these fucking things so many goddamn times,

08:14and trying to avoid them would be bullshit

08:16even if the controls weren't absolute garbage, which they are.

08:19Oh, but that's not even close to being the worst of it.

08:23You know what blows you up even more than the fucking mushrooms?

08:27The treasure chests.

08:29Every shit-sucking treasure chest in this game

08:32is apparently trapped with a fucking hand grenade or something

08:35because every fucking one of them explodes

08:37and fucking kills you whenever you fucking open one.

08:40I mean, who does this?

08:42The guards in the city trap their own chests with bombs?

08:45Okay, okay, I'll give you that one.

08:47But I could go to a farmer's house,

08:49and apparently he traps his chest with a fucking claymore, too.

08:52Do they just sell exploding fucking treasure chests at the general store

08:56and everyone's got one?

08:58Wouldn't you want one that doesn't burn your fucking house down when it goes off?

09:01Oh, but get a load of this.

09:03Even if you've got the mother-humping key,

09:05the chest still explodes!

09:08What kind of sense does that make?

09:11I mean, this blows my mind!

09:14How is anyone supposed to open these fucking things?

09:17Fuck!

09:18You know, it'd really be great

09:20if this game allowed you to, I don't know,

09:23create a character that might have the ability to disarm traps on his own.

09:27Just like, ah, what game?

09:30Every other Ultima game before this?

09:33Like, imagine if this happened in The Legend of Zelda

09:35where every fucking chest just detonated when you touched them.

09:38Like, even the one in your house.

09:40Just BAM!

09:42Fuck you!

09:43And when you're playing Ultima 8,

09:45you don't know that every single chest explodes.

09:47You keep thinking, like, you're just unlucky

09:49or, like, they can't all be trapped, right?

10:20Oh, and by the way, having a maxed-out dexterity?

10:22Pfft, doesn't matter.

10:23The only way to get into a chest safely

10:25is to cast the Destroy Trap spell from a scroll.

10:28And even that makes the chest explode!

10:31But you know what the sickest thing is?

10:33The sickest thing of all this?

10:35There's almost never anything more dangerous than a chest explosion.

10:39I mean, I mean, look at this.

10:41I mean, look at this.

10:42I mean, look at this.

10:43I mean, look at this.

10:44I mean, look at this.

10:45I mean, look at this.

10:46I mean, look at this.

10:47I mean, look at this.

10:48There's almost never anything good in any of the chests.

10:51The reward is never worth the risk!

10:53All the best shit in this game

10:55is either lying right out in the open or on dead bodies,

10:57but we gotta do it, right?

10:58You gotta open treasure chests

11:00where, like, hard-wired to get loot.

11:02And also, you need to do it anyway

11:04because you need all the coins you can get

11:05because all the fucking magic spells in this game

11:07cost an arm and a leg,

11:08so you gotta rob everybody in this game blind to get it.

11:11Oh, and if anyone ever sees you stealing

11:13or even moving something that doesn't belong to you,

11:16dieses Arschloch erscheint und macht euch explodieren!

11:21Explodieren wie verdammte Looney Tunes, ich meine, Jesus Christ!

11:25Er schießt deinen Arsch auf für die mindesten Verletzungen, das ist verdammt verrückt!

11:29Oh, aber offensichtlich kann ich Stadtgäste töten ohne Überraschungen.

11:33Denk' dir das mal aus.

11:34Aber ich glaube, dass ich vor mir bin.

11:36Ich muss zurück auf die Strandstrecke gehen.

11:38Die grüne Strandstrecke, wo du anfängst,

11:40weil ich erklären muss, wie nicht Ultima dieses Spiel ist.

11:43Zum Beispiel gibt es keine Charakterporträte mehr.

11:46Das ganze Dialog ist in diesem seltsamen, blockigen, digitalen Text,

11:49das einfach nicht gehört.

11:51Außerdem haben wir keine Kompanien mehr,

11:53was ich vermute, ich bekomme, weil wir in einem neuen Weltkreis sind

11:56und niemand uns kennt.

11:57Aber das ist einfach nicht der Fall,

11:59da wir seit Ultima 2 nicht alleine gewesen sind.

12:01Man kann mit der Welt fast so viel wie man in Ultima 7 konnte.

12:04Erinnerst du dich, wie man Brot backen und Schwerter herstellen konnte,

12:07wenn man das wirklich wollte?

12:09Das ist vorbei.

12:10Die Waffen und Schwerter sind auch viel weniger.

12:13Wir haben nur einhändige Waffen.

12:15Es gibt keine Polarme,

12:17keine ausgewählten Waffen,

12:19keine Schwerter,

12:20keine Waffen,

12:21außer wenn du Molotow Cocktails zählst

12:23und ein paar Dinge, die du finden kannst, die Death Disks nennen,

12:25die so unangenehm sind, dass du sie nie benutzen wirst.

12:27Es gibt keine Lockpicks

12:29und für ein Spiel, das dich grundsätzlich von allen zerstören muss,

12:32denkst du, dass das ein Gewinn wäre.

12:34Und das Spiel ist so einfach zu explodieren,

12:36um deine Stats zu maximieren,

12:38es ist hilarisch.

12:39Der Strategie-Guide sagt dir, dass du es machst.

12:41Nicht, dass du einen Strategie-Guide brauchst,

12:43um das herauszufinden.

12:44Ich habe es in etwa zwei Minuten gemacht.

12:46Drehe deine Waffe und klicke links, um zu schwingen.

12:48Und bleib für eine halbe Stunde links klicken.

12:51Für extra Spaß,

12:52schläge den Scheiß aus Devon für eine Weile aus.

12:54Er ist ein NPC,

12:56er stirbt nie,

12:57und er kämpft nie zurück.

12:59Er wird nie wirklich wütend,

13:01weil deine Stärke und Decks erhöhen,

13:03solange du etwas attackierst.

13:05Und es ist egal, was es ist.

13:07Auch wenn du nichts attackierst.

13:09Ich kann meinen ganzen Charakter

13:11in 30 Minuten maximieren.

13:13Willst du deine Intelligenz maximieren?

13:15Schläge einfach ein Spell wieder und wieder.

13:17Und wenn du aus Mana bist,

13:19bleib für eine Stunde und schläge weiter,

13:21bis du maximiert bist,

13:22was etwa 10 Minuten dauert.

13:24Das Spiel ist kaputt.

13:25Naja, zumindest glaubst du es, richtig?

13:27Schau dir das an.

13:28Selbst mit einer maximierten Stärke von 25,

13:30schau dir an, wie lange es dauert,

13:31einen Zombie zu schlagen.

13:38Kannst du das glauben?

13:40Und ich habe eine magische Waffe.

13:42Stell dir vor, wenn ich meine Stärke nicht maximiert hätte,

13:44wie lange würde es dauern?

13:45Gemeinsame Stadtgäste?

13:46Vergiss das.

13:4720, vielleicht 30 Schläge?

13:49Das ist unglaublich.

13:51Und ich habe nicht einmal erwähnt,

13:52wie viele repetitive Overhead-Smash-Attacke

13:54du hast.

13:55Das sieht einfach dumm aus.

13:57Der Avatar schlägt den Scheißer über den Kopf

13:59wie Homie D. Clown.

14:00Das ist für dich.

14:02Und das ist für deinen dummen Vater.

14:05Es gibt in diesem Spiel überhaupt keine Komplexität

14:07oder Strategie für den Kampf.

14:09Es geht einfach nur darum,

14:10die Jungs aufzustehen und zu klicken,

14:11bis sie sterben.

14:12Einfach über und über wieder klicken.

14:14Ich nenne es ähnlich wie Diablo,

14:16aber das wäre eine Entschuldigung,

14:17denn es gibt tatsächlich

14:18Bewegung und Taktik in Diablo.

14:20Ich fühle mich jetzt etwas schlecht,

14:22wenn ich über den Kampf in Ultima 7

14:23schäme.

14:24Ich meine, klar, es war ziemlich unentwickelnd,

14:26aber zumindest gab es noch Strategie

14:28und Vorbereitung für den Kampf.

14:30Es gab dort Partie-Management.

14:31Es war nicht einfach nur Klicken.

14:33Wenn du nicht wirklich fühlst,

14:34wie du kämpfst,

14:35kannst du meistens einfach weglaufen

14:36und sie fangen dich nicht an.

14:38Nach allem,

14:39fast alle Feinde in diesem Spiel sind Zombies.

14:41Sie werden dich nicht fangen.

14:42Okay, naja,

14:43ich habe mich ein bisschen

14:44um das Problem gedreht,

14:45weil ich diese Review nicht

14:46von Anfang an starten wollte,

14:47weil ich völlig kaputt war.

14:48Aber hier ist das Ding.

14:49Ich habe Ultima 8 ursprünglich

14:51auf Floppy-Disk gekauft,

14:52nicht auf diesen.

14:53Und wenn du keine Ahnung hast,

14:54was zum Teufel Floppy-Disks sind,

14:55dann warst du wahrscheinlich

14:56nicht einmal lebendig,

14:57als wir sie benutzt haben.

14:58Aber in den dunklen Zeiten,

14:59vor den Internets,

15:00haben die Leute Daten

15:01auf Dinge gesammelt,

15:02die so aussahen.

15:03Du könntest bis zu 1,44 Megabyte

15:05auf dieses Süßes, Baby.

15:07Das war immer noch

15:08die Zeit,

15:09als wir Lasern

15:10und optische Medien herausgefunden hatten.

15:12Jedenfalls,

15:13die Floppy-Disk-Version

15:14hatte ein bisschen

15:15ein...

15:16Problem?

15:17Das Problem war,

15:18dass sie ein bisschen

15:19irgendwie

15:20komplett,

15:21absolut

15:22verdammt unspielbar war.

15:23Ich meine,

15:24hoffnungslos zerbrochen

15:25auf einem grundlegenden

15:26Design-Niveau.

15:27Und das ist,

15:28weil Ultima 8

15:29die absolut schlimmsten

15:30Jumping-Kontrollen

15:31hat,

15:32die ich je gesehen habe.

15:33Ja,

15:34ich wiederhole,

15:35JUMPING.

15:36Für irgendeine

15:37verrückende,

15:38überraschende Grundlage

15:39haben sie entschieden,

15:40Plattformen

15:41als Hauptzentrum

15:42ihres neuen,

15:43dunklen,

15:44adultorientierten

15:45Role-Playing-Spiels zu machen.

15:46Wer zum Teufel

15:47dachte,

15:48Ultima brauchte

15:49DAS?

15:50Du weißt,

15:51ich habe eine Menge

15:52von Ultima-Spielen reviewt,

15:53aber ich glaube nicht,

15:54dass ich jemals kommentiert habe,

15:55weißt du,

15:56was dieses Spiel wirklich brauchte?

15:57Es brauchte

15:58viele Tipps zum Tod

15:59und viele davon.

Ultima 8： Pagan (Part 1) by Noah Antwiler | The Spoony Experiment

Transcript

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