Alan Partridge Presents - The Cream of British Comedy (2005) [couchtripper][U]
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00:00:00Who are you?
00:00:29I'm Alan Partridge.
00:00:31Aha!
00:00:33Great, great.
00:00:35Can we drop that now, please?
00:00:37We have an album to us.
00:00:39Yeah, uh, uh, um, yeah, watch it.
00:00:41Yeah.
00:00:43So, um, who am I?
00:00:45I'm Alan Partridge.
00:00:47Are you Alan Partridge?
00:00:49No. Are you Alan Partridge?
00:00:51No?
00:00:53The chap over there looks a bit like a gypsy.
00:00:55Are you Alan Partridge?
00:00:57No, of course not.
00:00:59You couldn't host a nightly radio phone-in show,
00:01:01and I couldn't, uh,
00:01:03dump a burnt mattress in someone's back garden.
00:01:05So, so there are differences.
00:01:07Anyway, good evening, and, uh,
00:01:09welcome to the Royal Albert Hall
00:01:11for this evening
00:01:13to raise money for teenagers with cancer.
00:01:15We've got lots of wonderful people
00:01:17on the bill tonight.
00:01:19So we've got Rich Hall, Noel Fielding,
00:01:21Ricky Gervais, Little Britain,
00:01:23and my special guest,
00:01:25the original Milky Bar Kid.
00:01:29And, uh, yeah.
00:01:33What, what a wonderful building.
00:01:35What a wonderful building.
00:01:37Now restored to its former glory
00:01:39after falling into disuse
00:01:41in the 1970s
00:01:43when it was used for illegal dogfights.
00:01:45Um, yeah.
00:01:47You can just imagine the heady atmosphere
00:01:49as, uh, as two pit bulls
00:01:51would tear each other to pieces,
00:01:53in front of 5,000 tattooed men
00:01:57with, uh, with opera glasses.
00:01:59So,
00:02:01a little known fact for you,
00:02:03little known fact, uh, for you up there in the boxes.
00:02:05Um, it's reputed that the Albert Hall
00:02:07is haunted
00:02:09by the ghost
00:02:11of a young Molly Maguire
00:02:13who was stabbed to death
00:02:15in her dressing room
00:02:17in 1998.
00:02:19During a
00:02:21Human League reunion concert.
00:02:23Awful business.
00:02:25Awful business.
00:02:27Anyway, tonight is going to be a tremendous evening.
00:02:29Uh, only a couple of disappointments.
00:02:31Uh, Michael Flatley
00:02:33was going to be
00:02:35performing a ten-minute
00:02:37bare-chested extract from
00:02:39Lord of the Riverdance.
00:02:41Um, but unfortunately,
00:02:43during rehearsals, he, uh,
00:02:45snagged his tights on a nail,
00:02:47fell off the stage,
00:02:49and died.
00:02:51Um, so, uh,
00:02:53there'll be, uh,
00:02:55there'll be a minute's silence
00:02:57for him during the interval.
00:02:59Uh, it's up to you if you want to observe it.
00:03:01Um,
00:03:03you might, you might want to combine it
00:03:05with a trick to the loo.
00:03:07Kill two birds with one stone.
00:03:11Now, uh,
00:03:13even sadder news than the tragic demise
00:03:15of Mr. Flatley is that we've run out
00:03:17of charity T-shirts.
00:03:19Uh, but we will get some more tomorrow.
00:03:21Now, there has been some concern
00:03:23that the T-shirts were being manufactured
00:03:25in, uh, Taiwanese sweatshops
00:03:27by small children.
00:03:29Um, but I've made some inquiries,
00:03:31and I've been assured that the T-shirts are
00:03:33top quality. Um,
00:03:35the children know exactly
00:03:37what they're doing. Um,
00:03:39they have a very intensive training program.
00:03:41So, uh, hope that allays your fears.
00:03:43Okay, um,
00:03:45we've got all kinds of marvelous people
00:03:47here tonight. The rock singer
00:03:49Chris Martin is here.
00:03:51Um, Gwyneth Paltrow's let him in her box.
00:03:53And, uh,
00:03:55and she's expecting their child.
00:03:57So, uh, so well done, you two.
00:03:59Not the band U2.
00:04:01I'm sure it's Chris's child.
00:04:03Anyway, uh,
00:04:05by the way,
00:04:07Chris, um,
00:04:09you two aren't a patch on Coldplate.
00:04:11Um,
00:04:13I love your latest album.
00:04:15Helps me relax while I'm doing my VAT returns
00:04:17in the conservatory.
00:04:19Just have it on in the background.
00:04:21Why does it always rain on me?
00:04:23Lovely stuff, lovely stuff.
00:04:25Well done, Chris.
00:04:27Anyway,
00:04:29on with tonight's show.
00:04:31Tonight's show is about teenagers and teenage years.
00:04:33We all remember our teenage years
00:04:35and the difficulties, the problems,
00:04:37the fond memories, the long, hot
00:04:39summer days.
00:04:41Running around, messing about in the water,
00:04:43laughing your head off,
00:04:45thinking, why am I so lonely?
00:04:47Um,
00:04:49and, uh,
00:04:51you know, sneaking behind
00:04:53the bike sheds for a kiss and a cuddle
00:04:55with the local slag.
00:04:57Um,
00:04:59okay?
00:05:01She'd give you a kiss for 10p
00:05:03and for 20p,
00:05:05she'd let you see her vagina.
00:05:07Oh.
00:05:09Then, of course,
00:05:11came the explosion
00:05:13of puberty.
00:05:15Um, I, uh,
00:05:17I remember one day I was in the showers
00:05:19at school, and, uh,
00:05:21a boy remarked that my genitals
00:05:23looked like Dave Lee Travis.
00:05:25Kids can be cruel,
00:05:27and that kind of thing
00:05:29stays with you.
00:05:31In fact, I still can't get out of the shower
00:05:33and look in the mirror
00:05:35without thinking of
00:05:37the hairy cornflake.
00:05:39What a dick.
00:05:41I mean Dave Lee Travis,
00:05:43not, um, not, you know.
00:05:45Anyway, what was I talking about?
00:05:47Teenage years.
00:05:49I actually just remembered a funny story
00:05:51from, uh, when I was 14.
00:05:53I was, I was at school, and my best
00:05:55friend would, would eat vegetable
00:05:57soup, put it in his mouth, and, uh,
00:05:59pretend to be sick in the playground, and I would
00:06:01crawl over and, uh, pretend
00:06:03to eat it up like a dog.
00:06:05Um, it's a schoolboy prank, you know.
00:06:07Uh, but it backfired.
00:06:09Because, uh,
00:06:11we were in assembly, and he just
00:06:13had some bad scampi.
00:06:15I was genuinely
00:06:17sick, and, uh, to, to cut a long
00:06:19story short, I ended up with, uh, with child
00:06:21sick in my mouth. Um, sorry
00:06:23about that, sorry. The, the
00:06:25irony is, um, that, uh,
00:06:27I was then genuinely sick, and, uh,
00:06:29I was standing in line, and I was sick on the
00:06:31back of the boy in front of me, and he
00:06:33in turn was sick on the back of the boy in front
00:06:35of him. And it started off a whole chain reaction.
00:06:37Uh, rather like dominoes.
00:06:39Uh, or vominoes.
00:06:41Nine boys
00:06:43in a row, it must have been extraordinary, one after the other.
00:06:45Hu-uh! Hu-uh!
00:06:47Hu-uh! Hu-uh! Hu-uh!
00:06:49Hu-uh! Hu-uh!
00:06:51Hu-uh! Hu-uh! Hu-uh!
00:06:53Hu-uh! I remember the last one had a kind of
00:06:55double kick.
00:06:57Came straight down his nostrils, like a,
00:06:59like a double barrel shotgun. Bang!
00:07:01Went straight over the shoulders
00:07:03of the boy in front of him, thus
00:07:05breaking the chain.
00:07:07Um...
00:07:09APPLAUSE
00:07:13Salad days.
00:07:15Um, now, uh,
00:07:17I don't want to bring
00:07:19the evening down, um,
00:07:21but please do not bring
00:07:23hot drinks, uh, into the
00:07:25auditorium. If you, it's a
00:07:27legal thing. If you, uh,
00:07:29if you spilt some on a
00:07:31famous celebrity, then,
00:07:33you know, we could end up being sued.
00:07:35So, uh, you know, if for instance you spilt,
00:07:37uh, boiling hot tea
00:07:39onto Chris Moyles' lap,
00:07:41or, uh, or better still, his face,
00:07:43then, sorry, um, sorry,
00:07:45that's, uh, I didn't mean to,
00:07:47I meant to think that, not say it. Sorry about that.
00:07:49Um, mind you, if you did
00:07:51disfigure him, he could still carry on on radio,
00:07:53couldn't he? There was no justice.
00:07:55LAUGHTER
00:07:57Um, okay.
00:07:59On with the show. Now it's time for somebody
00:08:01very, very special indeed.
00:08:03A man who's been making us
00:08:05laugh for a long time, please welcome
00:08:07Academy Award winner
00:08:09Ricky Gervais!
00:08:11CHEERING
00:08:13APPLAUSE
00:08:15CHEERING
00:08:17CHEERING
00:08:19CHEERING
00:08:21CHEERING
00:08:23CHEERING
00:08:25CHEERING
00:08:27CHEERING
00:08:29Thank you.
00:08:31Thank you very much.
00:08:33It's an absolute pleasure
00:08:35to be here at this, uh, charity event.
00:08:37Um, I don't do enough
00:08:39for charity. I, uh, I do a bit, but you can
00:08:41always do more, I suppose.
00:08:43But I look at it like this.
00:08:45It's a pain, innit?
00:08:47LAUGHTER
00:08:49Do you know what I mean?
00:08:51A lot of the acts you'll see,
00:08:53you know, they're either on their way up
00:08:55and they need to...
00:08:57Or they're on their way down, some of them.
00:08:59Or they've got a film coming out.
00:09:01It's this...
00:09:03It's a wasted evening for me, but, um...
00:09:05LAUGHTER
00:09:07No.
00:09:09All the money is going
00:09:11to teenage cancer.
00:09:13And I say all the money, obviously after expenses.
00:09:15LAUGHTER
00:09:17Well, no, it's...
00:09:20I came by helicopter.
00:09:22It's fucking brilliant. It's brilliant.
00:09:24Oh.
00:09:26APPLAUSE
00:09:28Got the receipt.
00:09:30But there are so many charities
00:09:32these days, and I keep getting called,
00:09:34and I can't do them all. When I was growing up,
00:09:36there was two. Oxfam and Spastics.
00:09:38That's all.
00:09:40You knew where you were. I mean...
00:09:42Oxfam's still going strong,
00:09:44of course. I mean,
00:09:46if you've got shares in that, you've done well,
00:09:48obviously, you'll always have famine.
00:09:50You'll always have famine.
00:09:52LAUGHTER
00:09:54Spastics is a word you don't hear
00:09:56so much these days.
00:09:58LAUGHTER
00:10:00Again, all the rage in the 70s,
00:10:02but I, um... LAUGHTER
00:10:04They changed their name.
00:10:06They changed their name to Scope,
00:10:08from the Spastic... True, they changed their name to Scope.
00:10:10And they changed their name from Spastic Society to Scope,
00:10:12because spastic was being used
00:10:14as a derogatory term,
00:10:16particularly in the playground, like bullies
00:10:18were picking on disabled kids and stuff.
00:10:20So they changed their name, so that doesn't happen.
00:10:22Now, what would happen if a bully
00:10:24had a little... You know, a little fella in a wheelchair,
00:10:26he'd go, Oi, Spastic!
00:10:28And the little fella would go, I think you'll find
00:10:30it's Scope. LAUGHTER
00:10:34And he'd go, Oh...
00:10:36Oi, Scopey!
00:10:38Fuck! LAUGHTER
00:10:40My impression of a wheelchair
00:10:42user. Not for
00:10:44her. That would just be that.
00:10:46Because she had one of those... LAUGHTER
00:10:48She didn't even bother with that shit.
00:10:50Zzzz.
00:10:52Never
00:10:54off her arse, was she, Thorhard. Never
00:10:56off her arse. No, she'd go
00:10:58shopping in one of those things. Zzzz.
00:11:00Right up to her front door,
00:11:02and up the standard stair lift.
00:11:04Feet haven't touched the ground yet.
00:11:06LAUGHTER Up to the bathroom,
00:11:08lowered into the bath. LAUGHTER
00:11:10Never off her... Give her an award,
00:11:12and she's up there like a fucking ground. LAUGHTER
00:11:14APPLAUSE
00:11:20Same as that Stephen Orkin.
00:11:22Lazy. LAUGHTER
00:11:26Most intelligent man
00:11:28on the planet, and I'm having a go. Brilliant.
00:11:30Most intelligent man,
00:11:32not such a good judge of character.
00:11:34Is he, really? LAUGHTER
00:11:38Allegedly. I don't know.
00:11:40But,
00:11:42happily married. LAUGHTER
00:11:44But he couldn't believe that.
00:11:46The nurse shows him a bit of attention,
00:11:48he goes off with her,
00:11:50and now, according to some, she
00:11:52leaves him out in the sun, smacks him round the head.
00:11:54He must be thinking,
00:11:56what happened to all the blowjobs?
00:11:58LAUGHTER
00:12:04Ow.
00:12:06LAUGHTER
00:12:10APPLAUSE
00:12:14Spell the whole word. LAUGHTER
00:12:16Ouch.
00:12:18LAUGHTER
00:12:20But it's not true. There's no evidence
00:12:22for these sorts of things, so it's not true.
00:12:24I think he probably got all those bruises
00:12:26doing fucking skateboarding. LAUGHTER
00:12:32But,
00:12:34yeah, poor bloke, poor bloke.
00:12:36But on a more positive note,
00:12:38I've had a good year. LAUGHTER
00:12:40I've had a great year.
00:12:44Been playing a lot of tennis.
00:12:46Went to America.
00:12:48Did alias. Won a couple of gloobs.
00:12:50LAUGHTER
00:12:52No, I'm not telling you that to show off.
00:12:54I want you to compare that with the week I had
00:12:56before I went to America.
00:12:58That wasn't such a good week.
00:13:00I was at home and I was watching telly,
00:13:02and it was a Saturday night, and this programme,
00:13:04did you see Celebrity Stars
00:13:06and Their Doubles with Dale Winton?
00:13:08LAUGHTER
00:13:10Yeah, there was a Brent lookalike on,
00:13:12and he won his category.
00:13:14Er...
00:13:16Just a fat bloke. LAUGHTER
00:13:24Just a fat bloke.
00:13:26And when he went up
00:13:28to get the award, he was so fat
00:13:30that he waddled.
00:13:32Dale Winton said,
00:13:34Oh, you even walk like Ricky Gervais.
00:13:36LAUGHTER
00:13:38Not even David Brent now,
00:13:40but just, oh, about 45,
00:13:42about 16 stone, just a fat bloke.
00:13:44LAUGHTER
00:13:46On the other side, the same night,
00:13:48absolutely true, was that programme
00:13:50to get the top ten British sitcoms
00:13:52of all times. They voted the top ten in.
00:13:54And The Office, we didn't get in the top ten,
00:13:56we got to number 25, which is fine,
00:13:58cos I can think of at least ten sitcoms
00:14:00which I think is better than The Office.
00:14:02Nick and Dibly wouldn't be one of them,
00:14:04but I wasn't asked. LAUGHTER
00:14:06CHEERING
00:14:08APPLAUSE
00:14:10Er...
00:14:12Dawn French
00:14:14came second in the Brent lookalike competition.
00:14:16LAUGHTER
00:14:18Ah...
00:14:20Just a fat bloke.
00:14:22So I'm wearing black tonight.
00:14:24It's slimming.
00:14:26No, it works, it works.
00:14:28Pavarotti wears a lot of black,
00:14:30and you see him in pastel,
00:14:32and he's a fat little fucker. LAUGHTER
00:14:34So, er...
00:14:38He came third. LAUGHTER
00:14:42I, er...
00:14:44I've done a few charity events before,
00:14:46and I did one
00:14:48that was for raising money
00:14:50for third-world workers in sweatshops.
00:14:52And, er...
00:14:54It was sort of linked to
00:14:56designer labels who use these sweatshops,
00:14:58and there was some frightening statistics.
00:15:00It was, um...
00:15:02Particularly in China, there's women and children,
00:15:04they work for, like, a few pence an hour,
00:15:06and it's just awful conditions.
00:15:08And there was this statistic
00:15:10that the CEO of Nike
00:15:12has amassed $5.2 billion,
00:15:14and for a Chinese woman
00:15:16in one of his factories
00:15:18to earn that much,
00:15:20she'd have to work eight hours a day,
00:15:22seven days a week, for 10,000 years.
00:15:24But they don't want to.
00:15:26So...
00:15:28LAUGHTER
00:15:34Lazy.
00:15:36LAUGHTER
00:15:42There was a...
00:15:44There was another thing on there.
00:15:46One of the supervisors in one of these sweatshops
00:15:48was accused of sexual harassment,
00:15:50and he was fired,
00:15:52but he fled the country before he could come to trial.
00:15:54And, uh,
00:15:56a press conference, the CEO of Nike,
00:15:58I think it's Philip Knight, was questioned about this,
00:16:00and he said, no.
00:16:02It was a misunderstanding.
00:16:04He wasn't sexually harassing her.
00:16:06He was trying to wake her up,
00:16:08and he must have
00:16:10touched the wrong places.
00:16:12That's a bad excuse, isn't it?
00:16:14LAUGHTER
00:16:16Mrs Chang?
00:16:18LAUGHTER
00:16:20LAUGHTER
00:16:24Mrs Chang?
00:16:26LAUGHTER
00:16:30LAUGHTER
00:16:32Mrs Chang?
00:16:34LAUGHTER
00:16:36Mrs Chang?
00:16:38LAUGHTER
00:16:40It's just such a terrible excuse.
00:16:42I love when people sort of put on the spot
00:16:44with something so embarrassing as that.
00:16:46I remember a friend of mine
00:16:48who was qualified for medical college,
00:16:50and he did his junior
00:16:52doctorship or intern in
00:16:54University College Hospital,
00:16:56and he was doing the rounds one night,
00:16:58and this guy came in
00:17:00with a sauce bottle,
00:17:02a little sauce bottle,
00:17:04stuck up his arse.
00:17:06He was lost up there. He had to go to the hospital.
00:17:08And instead of going, look, you know what I was doing,
00:17:10get it out, I won't do it again,
00:17:12he had to go through this whole, to save face,
00:17:14this whole accident report,
00:17:16I'd been shopping,
00:17:18Safeway,
00:17:20LAUGHTER
00:17:22And I came home with, absolutely true, by the way,
00:17:24I came home, and I put the shopping
00:17:26on the doorstep, and I realised
00:17:28I'd locked myself out of my house.
00:17:30So I saw a window open,
00:17:32and I started to climb up
00:17:34the drainpipe,
00:17:36and my trousers and pants
00:17:38LAUGHTER
00:17:40fell down.
00:17:42Embarrassing.
00:17:44So I slipped and fell,
00:17:46I must have landed right on the
00:17:48bottle, and it's up there now.
00:17:50And my mate added to the end of this
00:17:52report, he said, this story would be somewhat
00:17:54more believable if Safeway
00:17:56sold their ketchup
00:17:58bottles with a condom already attached.
00:18:00LAUGHTER
00:18:02Just forgotten about that.
00:18:04Just forgotten about it.
00:18:06And,
00:18:08why did he put a condom on it?
00:18:10So either he was scared to catch someone
00:18:12or he was going to use it later on as chips.
00:18:14LAUGHTER
00:18:16How fucking mean
00:18:18is that?
00:18:20They're 79p.
00:18:22If you're into shoving stuff up
00:18:24your arse, have two sets.
00:18:26One's for chips, one's for arses.
00:18:28LAUGHTER
00:18:30It's so...
00:18:32APPLAUSE
00:18:34Cutlery. Cutlery
00:18:36for fish, cutlery for arses.
00:18:38Then you won't need to make up
00:18:40terrible excuses, it's just...
00:18:44Mrs Chang.
00:18:46LAUGHTER
00:18:50Talking of
00:18:52third world sweatshops, I want to leave you with a
00:18:54true story about
00:18:56how we can make a difference,
00:18:58and you are making a difference tonight, and that's fantastic.
00:19:00A little while ago,
00:19:02a friend
00:19:04of mine, Rob,
00:19:06he had to go shopping
00:19:08for a suit for a funeral, a family funeral,
00:19:10and he was on the dole, he was in a band,
00:19:12but he was earning no money for that,
00:19:14and he was signing on, and he didn't have a suit,
00:19:16but he had to get this one.
00:19:18So I went with him, and we went to those sort of
00:19:20cheap shops in Oxford Street, and we were saying
00:19:22that we haven't got any money,
00:19:24and what have you got? And this one guy said,
00:19:26oh, we've got a brand new suit, it's lovely,
00:19:28it's the last one, it's a lovely range,
00:19:30it's £39.
00:19:32And so I thought,
00:19:34I can't wait to see this fucking suit.
00:19:36£39.
00:19:38When I got there, it's brand new, it's not in a sale,
00:19:40it's really well made,
00:19:42sort of dark, so it even had a sort of electric blue
00:19:44sort of satin lining,
00:19:46really nice, and my mate was made up.
00:19:48And then I pissed on his bonfire,
00:19:50and I said, you know,
00:19:52if it's that good, and it's brand new, and it's not in a sale,
00:19:54then probably
00:19:56someone's been exploited.
00:19:58What I said was, there's sweatshops
00:20:00where they get them to do this for a few pence,
00:20:02that's how they can make it that cheap,
00:20:04for fuck's sake.
00:20:06And he didn't buy it.
00:20:08And I think, you know, even though I was sort of
00:20:10winding up a little bit, I thought,
00:20:12that's changed someone's attitude, and it's sort of made a difference.
00:20:14So, you know, you can make a difference.
00:20:16So,
00:20:18still, £39.
00:20:20LAUGHTER
00:20:22Thank you. Goodnight.
00:20:24Cheers. Thank you.
00:20:26Thank you.
00:20:28APPLAUSE
00:20:30Thanks very much
00:20:32Richard Jarvis.
00:20:34Actually,
00:20:36the subject of a fascinating
00:20:38documentary on BBC Two
00:20:40about life in an office.
00:20:42Although, I've got to be honest,
00:20:44I watched it, and I thought it was more like
00:20:46a comedy.
00:20:48Yeah, but there's a lot of this
00:20:50reality TV on at the moment, you know,
00:20:52Sid Vicious in the jungle with Sam Fox.
00:20:54It's rubbish.
00:20:56Now,
00:20:58there are several celebrities who
00:21:00unfortunately couldn't make it tonight.
00:21:02JK, the hat-wearing
00:21:04pretend environmentalist from
00:21:06Jamiroquai,
00:21:08said he'd love to help out, but
00:21:10unfortunately he's watching himself being interviewed
00:21:12on Men and Motors, and
00:21:14can't be asked to set the video.
00:21:16So, fair enough. Fair enough.
00:21:18At least he's honest.
00:21:20Paul Young
00:21:22won't be appearing, because
00:21:24well, we didn't ask him.
00:21:26But,
00:21:28lots of celebrities have done us a kind service
00:21:30of donating personal possessions
00:21:32for auction.
00:21:34We have the lovely
00:21:36Tanya here, who's modelling for us. Lovely Tanya,
00:21:38lovely legs. Now, Tanya is
00:21:40displaying a pair of
00:21:42Umbro running shorts, which were
00:21:44previously mine.
00:21:48Now, like a lot of memorabilia,
00:21:50they have seen better days.
00:21:52The stitched-in genital
00:21:54hammock
00:21:56finally gave way
00:21:58last week,
00:22:00as I was reaching up to change a lightbulb.
00:22:04You don't need a genital hammock, do you?
00:22:06Looks like that.
00:22:08I hope not.
00:22:10Can't tell these days, it's very difficult to tell.
00:22:12But, no, I was reaching
00:22:14up to change a lightbulb, and
00:22:16in fact, for anyone below, it must have looked like
00:22:18there were two more lightbulbs.
00:22:20And...
00:22:22a penis.
00:22:26But there's
00:22:28all manner of lovely things being
00:22:30donated. Lawrence Llewellyn
00:22:32Bowen has actually
00:22:34sod him.
00:22:36I want to starve that man of the oxygen of publicity.
00:22:38And the oxygen
00:22:40of air, actually.
00:22:42What did he send us?
00:22:44Look at that.
00:22:46His autobiography, and one
00:22:48ticket for the Ideal Home exhibition.
00:22:50The fucking nerve.
00:22:54Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen.
00:22:56He's a kind of adamant for Daily Mail
00:22:58readers.
00:23:00Now, Lot 3.
00:23:04Lot 3
00:23:06is...
00:23:08Roger Daltrey has kindly
00:23:10donated his garage
00:23:12door. It's
00:23:14one of a pair.
00:23:16It's been in loop for five weeks,
00:23:18and he can't shift it.
00:23:20He's invested in a new traditional
00:23:22wooden door, which is light-sensitive
00:23:24to the approach of his Volvo
00:23:26XC90.
00:23:28Which he's asked us to mention. Not sure
00:23:30why. There you go.
00:23:32You can take it off now, lads.
00:23:34Tanya has
00:23:36two other items. You can take the door
00:23:38away now. Thanks.
00:23:40Unbelievable.
00:23:42Tanya has two
00:23:44more items. This is
00:23:46Dennis Waterman's original
00:23:48suede jacket from Minder.
00:23:50Which has
00:23:52a reserve price of
00:23:5450p.
00:23:56Right Said Fred have
00:23:58donated us a T-shirt.
00:24:00Didn't even ask them for it.
00:24:02I think it's a desperate bid to get back in the limelight.
00:24:04I won't
00:24:06bother auctioning that.
00:24:08Just drop it in the Scope shop on Monday.
00:24:10I won't make a special
00:24:12trip. I'm just actually travelling to see my
00:24:14sister. Although she's a bit depressed.
00:24:16She's just had an hysterectomy.
00:24:26Thanks to Tanya
00:24:28for all that money. Look at those
00:24:30legs. Marvellous.
00:24:32You could straddle a car with those.
00:24:34Not a big one.
00:24:36A Toyota Yaris.
00:24:38By the way,
00:24:40Tanya's not for auction.
00:24:42Wouldn't like to put a reserve price on her.
00:24:44What would it be? About 500 quid
00:24:46for the night?
00:24:48£650.
00:24:50Done. I mean, sorry.
00:24:52I think we all
00:24:54got a bit confused there.
00:24:56We'll talk about this out there.
00:24:58That's for everything.
00:25:00We'll talk about it out there.
00:25:02Thanks Tanya.
00:25:04Anyway, sorry about that.
00:25:06Now, please welcome on the next
00:25:08act, the star of BBC
00:25:10Two's Marion and Geoff,
00:25:12please welcome Mr Rob Brydon.
00:25:26Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
00:25:28How are you?
00:25:32Poor people up there.
00:25:34Think
00:25:36how they feel.
00:25:38Those of you sitting there thinking that I'm losing
00:25:40my hair, I'm not.
00:25:42It's the lights.
00:25:44I just got back from a special screening
00:25:46of Spider-Man 2.
00:25:48You may not have heard this, but Tobey Maguire
00:25:50in the new one is playing him Welsh.
00:25:56Alright.
00:25:58Peter Parker, my name is.
00:26:00Incredible thing happened.
00:26:02I've been bitten by a spider.
00:26:04Unbelievable.
00:26:08To make matters worse,
00:26:10it's only bloody radioactive.
00:26:16Fuck.
00:26:20Who is telling him
00:26:22to zoom in?
00:26:28It's turned my life around in all honesty.
00:26:30I'm shooting webs
00:26:32out of my hand.
00:26:34I'm climbing walls about
00:26:36600 feet.
00:26:38As a rule, I tend to go about this
00:26:40high, as I'm not good
00:26:42with heights.
00:26:44Rightly or wrongly, the only downside
00:26:46of being imbued with the qualities
00:26:48of a spider, as far as I can tell,
00:26:50is I am finding it very difficult
00:26:52getting in and out of the bath.
00:26:54Fuck.
00:27:02You cannot have a Welsh
00:27:04superhero.
00:27:06It would never work.
00:27:08With the exception of one man.
00:27:18Oh, that's nice.
00:27:20Oh, don't stop what you're doing, my love.
00:27:24Chief
00:27:26Anthony Hopkins.
00:27:32No, I am talking about
00:27:34Sir Tom Jones.
00:27:36I saw the light on
00:27:38the night that I passed by
00:27:40her window.
00:27:42She always leaves her
00:27:44downstairs light on when she goes out
00:27:46for peace of mind.
00:27:54It's clear in my bloody throat.
00:27:58I'm looking slightly startled.
00:28:04Stereophonics.
00:28:08Pussycat, pussycat,
00:28:10I love you.
00:28:12But society frowns on it.
00:28:14I think it's going back.
00:28:22I think it's going back.
00:28:24The only one
00:28:26who could ever reach me
00:28:28was a son of a preacher man.
00:28:30But now that I'm with
00:28:32T-Mobile, you can get me anywhere.
00:28:36There are some glasses here.
00:28:45I'll never forget
00:28:47the day. I'm with Ronnie Corbett.
00:28:54My great
00:28:56grandfather was killed at the
00:28:58battle of Little Bighorn.
00:29:00He wasn't involved
00:29:02in the fighting. He was camping in a
00:29:04nearby field and popped
00:29:06over to complain about the noise.
00:29:15I'm a
00:29:17Tomasaurus.
00:29:23How old are you?
00:29:25Oh, lovely. Okay.
00:29:29Mama told me.
00:29:33She did, honestly.
00:29:35It's her fault.
00:29:37He's too loud. He has a problem
00:29:39with his volume.
00:29:41When his little son, his wife
00:29:43would say, Tom, now look, we got the boy
00:29:45off to sleep. He's almost gone.
00:29:47You just rock him off now the last
00:29:49few minutes, all right?
00:29:51All right, give him to me.
00:29:53Oh, he's a lovely baby.
00:29:55There we are.
00:29:57Oh, little
00:29:59baby!
00:30:01Sleep for
00:30:03your daddy!
00:30:05Ow!
00:30:07He's woken up, look.
00:30:10Thanks very much
00:30:12to little Bobby Dryden.
00:30:14Good to see that Welsh people have
00:30:16stopped being annoying and are now trendy.
00:30:18Now,
00:30:20it's a charity evening. Many of you will
00:30:22know that I do do a lot of work
00:30:24for homeless people,
00:30:26or as they used to be known,
00:30:28tramps.
00:30:30I actually
00:30:32was
00:30:34homeless myself
00:30:36a few years ago
00:30:38when my wife locked me out of the house
00:30:40and I had to spend five hours
00:30:42walking around John Menzies.
00:30:47And let me tell you, it gets pretty lonely
00:30:49out there.
00:30:51But during that time, I learnt a lot
00:30:53about life and
00:30:55other things like
00:30:57caravanning,
00:30:59fishing, antiques
00:31:01and collectibles, and
00:31:03soft porn.
00:31:05But
00:31:07the traditional image of the tramp
00:31:09has changed.
00:31:11For example, they're no longer all Scottish.
00:31:17Actually,
00:31:19when they were all Scottish,
00:31:21I actually went to Scotland
00:31:23to see if all their tramps were English.
00:31:25But no,
00:31:27they were Scottish too.
00:31:33Bit of a
00:31:35wasted journey.
00:31:37But
00:31:39sadly, a lot of drug addicts
00:31:41unfortunately are on heroin,
00:31:43which is
00:31:45terribly sad. Personally, the only
00:31:47heroin I'd like
00:31:49to inject myself into
00:31:51is
00:31:53the lovely Kate Adie,
00:31:55who no doubt
00:31:57right now is smuggling herself
00:31:59into Iran, disguised
00:32:01as a woman.
00:32:04OK.
00:32:06We're going to take a break here.
00:32:08I'll be back on chatting
00:32:10to the original Milky Bar Kid.
00:32:12Yeah.
00:32:14And just to warn you, when I come back on,
00:32:16I may be in a hilarious
00:32:18disguise.
00:32:20Get yourself a brick, Vic.
00:32:22See you in 20.
00:32:34CHEERING
00:32:44Who am I?
00:32:46I'm Alan Ka...
00:32:48I'm Alan Kaida!
00:32:50LAUGHTER
00:32:52Ha ha ha ha!
00:32:54Or I'm Allah Partridge.
00:32:56They both work.
00:32:58Ha ha ha!
00:33:00Oh, hello, madam.
00:33:02Suspect package?
00:33:04Ha ha ha!
00:33:06It's been unattended for ages!
00:33:08Ha ha!
00:33:10Oh, what's it you lot? I'm Allah Partridge.
00:33:12Shiver me timbers!
00:33:14Where's my mate with the hook?
00:33:16He'll be along soon, and then you're all
00:33:18for it! Ha ha!
00:33:20Go on, hiss me, boo me.
00:33:22Oh, sorry.
00:33:24Sorry, this, uh...
00:33:26Sorry, I think this was backfired.
00:33:28Sorry, it's, uh...
00:33:30So it was, uh...
00:33:32It was actually Ricky Gervais' idea.
00:33:34LAUGHTER
00:33:36Clearly been set up.
00:33:38A man's a shit.
00:33:40LAUGHTER
00:33:42See, uh...
00:33:44The beard, actually, is from another costume.
00:33:46Um, I was, uh...
00:33:48I'm actually in rehearsals
00:33:50for a stage version of
00:33:52Jesus of Nazareth.
00:33:54Yeah. Yeah, it's, uh...
00:33:56It's very good. I play Jesus, of course.
00:33:58And, uh, I've got a great cast.
00:34:00Uh, David Dickinson
00:34:02is Judas Iscariot.
00:34:04LAUGHTER
00:34:06It's a marvellous scene where, uh,
00:34:08he gets the 30 pieces of silver,
00:34:10and then he turns to the audience, winks, and says,
00:34:12''Cheap as chips!''
00:34:14It's a bit of fun. A bit of fun.
00:34:16Uh... Pontius Pilate
00:34:18is played by Les Dennis.
00:34:20And, uh...
00:34:22Noel Edmonds is John the Baptist.
00:34:24LAUGHTER
00:34:26And there's a moving scene at the end
00:34:28when his head is presented on a silver platter
00:34:30to Salome,
00:34:32played by Jade from Big Brother.
00:34:34LAUGHTER
00:34:36So, a bit of fun.
00:34:38It's a more light-hearted approach
00:34:40than The Passion of the Christ.
00:34:42Um... I actually wonder
00:34:44if Jesus came back down to Earth,
00:34:46do you think he'd actually go and see
00:34:48The Passion of the Christ?
00:34:50Probably doesn't want to be reminded of all that.
00:34:52LAUGHTER
00:34:54He's not saying, you know,
00:34:56''That didn't happen.''
00:34:58And Calvary's not that steep.
00:35:00''I'm trying to watch the film, Jesus.''
00:35:02LAUGHTER
00:35:04And, uh...
00:35:06APPLAUSE
00:35:08I think if Jesus was going to,
00:35:10or was in the mood
00:35:12for a Mel Gibson film,
00:35:14he'd probably want something light,
00:35:16like what women want.
00:35:18LAUGHTER
00:35:20I'm sorry if all my multi-religious reflections
00:35:22have actually offended anyone.
00:35:24Certainly don't mean to, uh, do that.
00:35:26Um...
00:35:28LAUGHTER
00:35:30Hello?
00:35:32Can I have a quick word?
00:35:34Um, I'm just in the middle of a show, so...
00:35:36Can I have a quick word, Mr Partridge?
00:35:38Right. Who are you?
00:35:40I'm a police officer.
00:35:42Right. Um...
00:35:44But you're not going to take your clothes off?
00:35:46LAUGHTER
00:35:48No, I'm a real police officer.
00:35:50OK. Right. Um...
00:35:52Right. Who are you?
00:35:54LAUGHTER
00:35:56I'm a police officer.
00:35:58Right. So, yes, I knew that. I panicked and asked the question again.
00:36:00LAUGHTER
00:36:02Um, what's the problem?
00:36:04I need to have a quick word with you.
00:36:06Right. Um...
00:36:08Can I finish the show and then we can do this out there?
00:36:10Yeah. I need to talk immediately.
00:36:12Right. OK. What's the problem?
00:36:14Um, you've been reported as making some comments
00:36:16about you representing some illegal terrorist organisation.
00:36:18Can you explain what that's about?
00:36:20Um, yeah, I was just doing a joke about, um...
00:36:22LAUGHTER
00:36:24..about terrorists.
00:36:26Right. LAUGHTER
00:36:28I mean...
00:36:30Of course, obviously, you know, in the current climate,
00:36:32you can understand we have to take every threat seriously.
00:36:34Yeah. I mean, yeah.
00:36:36Come on, mate. Look at my shoes.
00:36:38LAUGHTER
00:36:40Right.
00:36:42LAUGHTER
00:36:46Right.
00:36:48I look like Ali Bongo.
00:36:50LAUGHTER
00:36:52He's not on your list, is he?
00:36:54Right, yeah.
00:36:56Just trying to break the ice. Lighten up.
00:36:58Flatfoot TJ Hooker.
00:37:00LAUGHTER
00:37:04You see, um, I can appreciate
00:37:06that, you know, what you were saying was in jest.
00:37:08It was in jest. I got this from Hamleys.
00:37:10Yeah, Alan. I know.
00:37:12I mean, I wouldn't take it on an aeroplane.
00:37:14Alan, this is...
00:37:16Not in my hand baggage, anyway.
00:37:18This is a public place, OK?
00:37:20Yeah.
00:37:22In the current state of alert, right,
00:37:24you could be causing a breach of the peace, OK?
00:37:26People are very nervous.
00:37:28Now, you could have caused a panic.
00:37:30It hasn't happened here now, but it could happen another time.
00:37:32Right, well, I definitely...
00:37:34I definitely will never, ever
00:37:36kiss Alan Kaida
00:37:38ever again.
00:37:40I swear. I swear on the Bible.
00:37:42And the Koran.
00:37:44LAUGHTER
00:37:46Where's the costume from?
00:37:48The costume is actually... It's not mine.
00:37:50It's actually from... Angel's
00:37:52costume is. Actually,
00:37:54the costume woman, she hired it.
00:37:56I don't know who else she's hired them for.
00:37:58I'll give you a name I want. It's Marcia Stanton.
00:38:00She lives in South London.
00:38:02She thinks she's got a house in Brighton.
00:38:04OK, right.
00:38:06Right, OK, well...
00:38:08All right, so, look...
00:38:10Are you not going to lock me up in Montego Bay?
00:38:12LAUGHTER
00:38:16Where you make
00:38:18all the terrorists wear red
00:38:20jumpsuits.
00:38:22I'm sure what will happen, there will be a lengthy
00:38:24conversation and you'll get some kind of verbal
00:38:26warning. OK, that's great, fine.
00:38:28Right, OK.
00:38:30Right, OK.
00:38:32I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
00:38:34I'll wait for you off stage.
00:38:36I'll let you get on with this performance.
00:38:38But when you're done, I'm going to need to talk to you.
00:38:40OK, fine, fine.
00:38:42You can wait in my dressing room if you want.
00:38:44There's a
00:38:46minibar and
00:38:48there's a bed. You can have a kip if you like.
00:38:50Actually, if you go in my bag,
00:38:52I think you'll find a large bag
00:38:54of Walker's Sensations.
00:38:56LAUGHTER
00:38:58Sea salt and black
00:39:00cracked pepper.
00:39:02Just help yourself
00:39:04to those. Actually, there's a TV.
00:39:06If you put the TV on, you should catch the end of
00:39:08Midsomer Murders.
00:39:10Keep the old grey cells.
00:39:12OK, yeah, it's all fine.
00:39:14Is he gone?
00:39:16APPLAUSE
00:39:22And now the Birmingham Six felt,
00:39:24now.
00:39:26OK, on with the show.
00:39:28And please welcome a very funny
00:39:30man, Mr. Otis Lee
00:39:32Crenshaw!
00:39:34APPLAUSE
00:39:36Thanks for keeping that
00:39:38going until I was about three feet
00:39:40from the mic.
00:39:42Just the kind of wave of confidence
00:39:44that a man needs to surf for.
00:39:46Good evening.
00:39:48How are you? Can I just say this is
00:39:50the most fantastic fucking venue
00:39:52we've ever had the pleasure of performing in.
00:39:54Jesus Christ, what a wedding cake.
00:39:56What a great big old tear
00:39:58to Liberace's
00:40:00intestines.
00:40:02Normally the kind of places that I'm playing
00:40:04have drains on the floor.
00:40:12LAUGHTER
00:40:14It's for fucking cancer.
00:40:16You'd think they could turn on the
00:40:18fucking piano.
00:40:20LAUGHTER
00:40:22Entertain yourself
00:40:24for a second, fella.
00:40:28It's always one goddamn
00:40:30button, isn't it?
00:40:32How you doing
00:40:34there, fella?
00:40:36Look at you with your big suntan.
00:40:38Big smile on your face.
00:40:40Kind of a green
00:40:42kind of lawn furniture
00:40:44looking shirt, fella. You look kind of relaxed.
00:40:46But I don't see you
00:40:48sitting beside a woman now, do I?
00:40:50No, I
00:40:52don't see that at all.
00:40:54I see you sitting between two new media types
00:40:56thinking that maybe you're going to go home
00:40:58alone tonight with just a green shirt
00:41:00and that big smile on your face, fella.
00:41:02Believe me,
00:41:04Otis knows what it's like to be lonely.
00:41:06When you find yourself
00:41:08licking ashtrays
00:41:10because you heard it's kind of like kissing a woman
00:41:12who smokes.
00:41:14Christ almighty.
00:41:16So you and I got something in common, don't you, fella?
00:41:18Look up and down that aisle right there.
00:41:20You see a lot of good looking women.
00:41:22What kind of work you do?
00:41:24You.
00:41:26I don't have a lazy eye.
00:41:28Who else is wearing a fucking
00:41:30green shirt? Yes, you.
00:41:32Who the hell
00:41:34else would I be talking to?
00:41:36When you get up in the morning,
00:41:38where do you go?
00:41:40You're an undertaker.
00:41:42Get the fuck out of here.
00:41:44Christ almighty.
00:41:46Christ almighty, how much work do you bring home
00:41:48with you in the evening?
00:41:50You're an undertaker?
00:41:52You're the happiest looking fucking undertaker
00:41:54I've ever seen in my life.
00:41:56Jesus Christ.
00:41:58So you got a sweetheart?
00:42:00Anyone you can practice on?
00:42:04No wonder you're alone.
00:42:06What kind of creepy woman would go out
00:42:08with a fucking happy undertaker?
00:42:10At least wear a fucking stove top type
00:42:12hat or something.
00:42:14A black veil, something, some white carriages
00:42:16parked out front. Jesus Christ, you're scaring
00:42:18the hell out of me.
00:42:20I wouldn't want to be dead and then wake up and see
00:42:22your fucking big toothy grin staring me in the face.
00:42:26Well, the waking up part I wouldn't mind,
00:42:28but Jesus Christ.
00:42:30Tone it down, will you?
00:42:32Ever been to Nashville,
00:42:34fella?
00:42:36Whose sister?
00:42:38Don't drag
00:42:40his sorry ass into it. You're on your own here,
00:42:42buddy.
00:42:44You like country music there,
00:42:46Mr. Undertaker Boy?
00:42:48Do you? I'll bet you've been right here
00:42:50on this stage watching Shania Twain
00:42:52or some other country twit
00:42:54like that.
00:42:56Oh, I don't think she's ever actually stood
00:42:58on this stage. Or Garth Brooks.
00:43:00Or they can both kiss my ass, cause I'm here
00:43:02and they're playing in the fucking festival hall
00:43:04or some other shithole. Nope, this is where it's happening.
00:43:06You know who's played here?
00:43:12Frank Sinatra played here in 1995.
00:43:14One of his last gigs I was talking
00:43:16to a stagehand and I said, well, do they still
00:43:18have it together? And he said, yeah, right up to the point
00:43:20where he started singing Luck Be A Monkey Tonight
00:43:22he seemed to have it together.
00:43:28But I'm not talking about Shania or Garth,
00:43:30cause she can kiss my ass with her big bullshit
00:43:32kind of female.
00:43:34None of that subservience that characterized
00:43:36the great country female singers of the 60s.
00:43:38Shania is all, oh, that don't
00:43:40impress me much.
00:43:42You're from Canada. Anything would
00:43:44impress you and you know it, Shania, alright?
00:43:48Beaver Pelt would impress you.
00:43:50Bachman Turner
00:43:52Overdrive Tribute Band.
00:43:54Oh, you're a rocket scientist. That don't impress me.
00:43:56Well, that would fucking impress me.
00:43:58How many opportunities you get to meet a rocket scientist
00:44:00in your life? Mandatory blowjob,
00:44:02alright?
00:44:04Oh, you're alright. That don't keep me
00:44:06warm at night. Well, buy a blanket.
00:44:10Cause real country music
00:44:12undertaker boy, and I think you're gonna follow along
00:44:14with this, is lying there on the floor with a bottle
00:44:16of Jack Daniels in your hand, still alive,
00:44:18sorry to bring you down, but
00:44:20cause a woman's
00:44:22gonna walk across your heart like a Samoan
00:44:24man in golf shoes and you think, God, there
00:44:26ought to be a way to take all this heartache and depression
00:44:28and turn it into some instant cash.
00:44:30Go down
00:44:32there to Nashville to record your songs and they say,
00:44:34oh, it's too dark and depressing, oh,
00:44:36sorry, only undertaker types
00:44:38would listen to this kind of music.
00:44:40So here's one that's
00:44:42bypassed Nashville for a couple
00:44:44of months now.
00:44:46Go out walkin'.
00:44:48Just us
00:44:50two, ain't much in this world
00:44:52I wouldn't do
00:44:54for you, and if a man with a knife
00:44:56said you're money or
00:44:58you're life,
00:45:00I wouldn't think twice.
00:45:04I'd stand my ground and not
00:45:06give an inch.
00:45:08Coiled like a spring, I
00:45:10wouldn't even flinch and I would stare
00:45:12into the eyes of that son of
00:45:14a bitch.
00:45:16This is what I'd say.
00:45:20Do anything you want to the
00:45:22girl, just don't hurt
00:45:24me.
00:45:28I might be crazy, but I
00:45:30ain't reckless. She's got a
00:45:32diamond ring, she's got a
00:45:34necklace. Look in her purse,
00:45:36she'll find keys to a Lexus.
00:45:38Me, I'll be on
00:45:40my way.
00:45:42Do anything you want to
00:45:44the girl, just don't
00:45:46hurt me.
00:45:50Hey, what a funny old way
00:45:52to measure love. Find out
00:45:54where you stand when push comes to
00:45:56shove, cause right now it'd be
00:45:58you that I'm thinkin' of.
00:46:00It's me,
00:46:02it's me,
00:46:04it's me, me, me, me, me.
00:46:06I'd love me to
00:46:08anything you want to the girl,
00:46:10just don't hurt me.
00:46:16Two's company, but three's a crowd.
00:46:18I was thinkin' maybe
00:46:20we should break up anyhow.
00:46:22I could use some space from you,
00:46:24especially right now. So
00:46:26help yourself, mister.
00:46:28I ain't no hero. Her bank
00:46:30card pin number is
00:46:324130. Do anything
00:46:34you want to the girl,
00:46:36just don't hurt me.
00:46:38Sing along, Undertaker boy.
00:46:40Sing! Do anything you want
00:46:42to the girl, just
00:46:44don't hurt me.
00:47:00Rejected by every major
00:47:02label in Nashville.
00:47:04Mr. Myron T. Buttram on the guitar, ladies and gentlemen.
00:47:06Very sexy guitar player there.
00:47:10I love London.
00:47:12Don't let anybody tell you. Every day I love
00:47:14to wake up in London and think, what kind of
00:47:16shit is gonna happen to me today
00:47:18that I just fuckin' wasn't expecting?
00:47:22Just roadworks, congestion
00:47:24charge, personal humiliation,
00:47:26public degradation.
00:47:28But you don't get shot in the fuckin' head.
00:47:30That's the best thing about London, right there.
00:47:32America, have a nice day, then they shoot
00:47:34you in the head, right? Britain,
00:47:36nobody would ever say, have a nice day,
00:47:38cause it's not possible to completely have a nice fuckin'
00:47:40day in Britain, so why even suggest it?
00:47:42Someone said, hey,
00:47:44have a nice quarter of an hour, you go, oh, thank you
00:47:46very much, that's manageable.
00:47:54They're gonna host the Olympics here.
00:47:562012.
00:47:58Possibly.
00:48:00And that's exactly the level of excitement that you see about that whole
00:48:02project right there.
00:48:04Tell Brits, that'd be great.
00:48:06Olympics in London, that's fantastic.
00:48:08And they go, yeah, so?
00:48:10What's the point?
00:48:12What?
00:48:14Well, you invite people from all over the world, the greatest athletes.
00:48:16That'll be a fuckin' mess.
00:48:20Can't believe that attitude.
00:48:22Then I went to hack me.
00:48:24Have a look for myself,
00:48:26and, uh, yeah,
00:48:28you got a long way to go, alright?
00:48:30Fuckin' hack me.
00:48:32Home of the Olympics.
00:48:34Jesus Christ almighty.
00:48:36Largest amount of mental health
00:48:38in the country is in hack me.
00:48:40They're gonna host a normal Olympics.
00:48:42That's bullshit.
00:48:46What a shithole.
00:48:48Kayaking down the Lee River.
00:48:50Mm-hmm.
00:48:52You can develop film in the Lee River,
00:48:54but I don't see kayaking down there.
00:48:56That's for fuckin' sure.
00:48:58Tell you the truth,
00:49:00most Olympic events are heartbreaking.
00:49:02You know, that's the great thing about Brits,
00:49:04is they would argue out of most events.
00:49:06They just go, what's the point of that?
00:49:08And you go, well, yeah, I guess you're right.
00:49:10That's hurling hammers and throwing
00:49:12iron fuckin' balls and javelins.
00:49:14Jesus Christ, it's 2004.
00:49:16Evolve, for fuck's sake.
00:49:18You wouldn't.
00:49:20British event. How far do you think
00:49:22you would have thrown the javelin
00:49:24had you actually bothered?
00:49:26Oh, that far. Oh, I'm gonna have a beer.
00:49:28Well, if you think about it,
00:49:30you know,
00:49:32let's say you're the world's greatest pole vaulter.
00:49:34Gold medal.
00:49:36When will you ever get to pole vault
00:49:38again in your life?
00:49:40You'd just be standing there waiting
00:49:42for an opportunity every moment of your waking day.
00:49:44What's that, Timmy? Your ball's on the roof.
00:49:46That's fantastic.
00:49:4812-foot pole.
00:49:50Hurl myself right up on the roof and I'll...
00:49:52Oh, you got a ladder.
00:49:54Shit.
00:50:02You live in London there, Mr. Undertaker boy?
00:50:04Where do you live?
00:50:06Where do you live?
00:50:10Where?
00:50:12Barnditch.
00:50:14Barn... Forget it.
00:50:17It's not on our tour,
00:50:19and I can't waste any more time
00:50:21with sick kids getting sicker
00:50:23while you're wasting fucking time.
00:50:28Everybody, I'm saying,
00:50:30I read obituaries when I travel around in Britain.
00:50:32Everybody seems to die either peacefully or suddenly.
00:50:34Those are your two choices in Britain.
00:50:38Always count up the number of suddenlies
00:50:40versus peacefulies,
00:50:42because if there's more suddenlies than peacefulies,
00:50:44there's more suddenlies.
00:50:48I want to die both peacefully and suddenly.
00:50:52I want to get hit by a truck full of chamomile tea.
00:51:04This one's for you, fella.
00:51:10I got a George Foreman grill.
00:51:14If you won't cook my dinner,
00:51:16George Foreman will.
00:51:18I got a George Foreman grill.
00:51:20I got a George Foreman grill.
00:51:22If you won't cook my dinner,
00:51:24George Foreman will.
00:51:44He was a master of masters
00:51:46and the sweetest science.
00:51:48To you he's just a name
00:51:50on a kitchen appliance.
00:51:52How could you be so stupid?
00:51:54How could you be so dumb
00:51:56not to know
00:51:58that George Foreman
00:52:00was as mean as it come?
00:52:02I've got a George Foreman grill.
00:52:04I've got a George Foreman grill.
00:52:06If you won't cook my dinner,
00:52:08George Foreman will.
00:52:10I got a George Foreman grill.
00:52:12I've got a George Foreman grill.
00:52:14If you won't cook my dinner,
00:52:16George Foreman will.
00:52:18I got a George Foreman grill.
00:52:20I've got a George Foreman grill.
00:52:22If you won't cook my dinner,
00:52:24George Foreman will.
00:52:26He went eight rounds
00:52:28in Kinshasa
00:52:30with Muhammad Ali.
00:52:32He didn't float
00:52:34like a butterfly
00:52:36or sting like a bee.
00:52:38He didn't float
00:52:40like a butterfly
00:52:42or sting like a bee.
00:52:44He just lay on that canvas
00:52:46all quiet and still.
00:52:48But he was dreaming
00:52:50up the plans
00:52:52for a cheap sandwich grill.
00:52:54It could take
00:52:56all your fat
00:52:58and reduce it by half
00:53:00cause the name
00:53:02of the game
00:53:04is to have the last laugh
00:53:06when you fight for the glory.
00:53:08And the day finally comes
00:53:10when your face is
00:53:12on a kitchen counter
00:53:14covered in crumbs.
00:53:16I've got a George Foreman grill.
00:53:18Sing! The George Foreman grill.
00:53:20Sing, Undertaker boy,
00:53:22or I'll kill ya!
00:53:24Everybody!
00:53:26I've got a George Foreman grill.
00:53:28Sing! It's for cancer,
00:53:30you bastard!
00:53:32If you won't cook my dinner,
00:53:34George Foreman will.
00:53:36George Foreman will.
00:54:06Not in a gay way.
00:54:12Thank you to
00:54:14Otis Lee Crenshaw.
00:54:16Although this is a charity event,
00:54:18I would like to use the opportunity
00:54:20to read an extract
00:54:22from my new novel
00:54:26which has real film potential
00:54:28if anyone out there
00:54:30has access to funding.
00:54:32It's a
00:54:34it's a nightmare vision
00:54:36of the future.
00:54:38And it's called
00:54:40Anglia Geddon.
00:54:50The whole of Norfolk
00:54:52is waterlogged.
00:54:56Home insurance is a thing of the past.
00:55:00You would think in the future
00:55:02things would get better,
00:55:04but no,
00:55:06they're worse.
00:55:08A lot of people are
00:55:10mad and eat pets.
00:55:14The anti-hunting lobby
00:55:16have finally won the day
00:55:18and foxes have,
00:55:20as feared, grown to five times
00:55:22their normal size.
00:55:26And now carry off babies
00:55:28and small electrical goods.
00:55:32People have 3D TVs
00:55:34on their wrist
00:55:36and go around on monorails
00:55:38like the one at Gatwick Airport.
00:55:42People are fed up
00:55:44voting for governments
00:55:46who just take taxes
00:55:48and teachers taking liberties.
00:55:50Cyberpunks roam
00:55:52the streets wreaking havoc
00:55:54as a direct response
00:55:56to the extension of the
00:55:58congestion charge.
00:56:00Red King
00:56:02Ken Livingstone,
00:56:04the eighth,
00:56:06has six wives.
00:56:08But not separately,
00:56:10all at the same time.
00:56:12That's the twist.
00:56:16Three turn out to be
00:56:18evil robots.
00:56:20Anne Boleyn,
00:56:22Jane Seymour,
00:56:24and Anne of Cleves are robots.
00:56:26But they only find out
00:56:28when they chop their heads off
00:56:30and there are a load of wires.
00:56:34But they keep talking for about
00:56:36an hour until their batteries run out.
00:56:40Is this
00:56:42the future we want?
00:56:44Is this the future we want?
00:56:46Is this the future
00:56:48we want?
00:56:50Is this the future we want?
00:56:52Is this the future we want?
00:56:54Is this the future
00:56:56Is this the future we want? Is this the future we want?
00:57:01No, absolutely not.
00:57:04Thank you.
00:57:06APPLAUSE
00:57:08Yeah.
00:57:10Yeah, I think I surprised a few people with that.
00:57:14I'm not sure what to do with that.
00:57:16I'll either develop it as a movie with 20th Century Fox
00:57:20or I'll take it to the Edinburgh Festival as a one-man show.
00:57:23Of course, this isn't a one-man show.
00:57:26And coming up very soon, we've got the Milky Bar Kid.
00:57:29But before that, please welcome one of the men
00:57:32with the most fashionable haircuts in British comedy.
00:57:35Please welcome Noel Fielding.
00:57:38CHEERING
00:57:44Mmm, look at all you. Let's just move this out of the way.
00:57:47Look at you, lady. You've got a face, I've got a face.
00:57:50It's all going to be all right.
00:57:52How are you, sir? I feel like you're miles away.
00:57:55Come on, let's touch quickly. Come on, let's touch.
00:57:58Like I'm Christ and you're a leper kind of a way.
00:58:01I'm only joking. Look at you, sir. You want to get involved, don't you?
00:58:04Get on stage. Jumper, get on stage. Get naked. I'll get on top of you.
00:58:08Not in a gay way.
00:58:10Like two soldiers away from home, missing their wives.
00:58:13Having a bit of a cuddle in bunk beds.
00:58:16It'll be great. Come on. Look at you, sir. You all right?
00:58:19Feeling pretty good. Wow, it's too big to even...
00:58:22I can't even see. It's great. Wow, it's lovely.
00:58:25It looks round from the outside, but it's kind of oblong.
00:58:28That's my favourite word as well, oblong. That is a genius word.
00:58:31When you're little, when you first hear that, you go,
00:58:34oblong, how cool is that? Fucking oblong, oblong, oblong.
00:58:37You just say it for hours, but then there's like a cut-off point
00:58:40when you get to about 17, you're not allowed to say it anymore.
00:58:43You have to say rectangle. You can't get men to say oblong.
00:58:46They won't do it. You go, oblong, and your dad goes,
00:58:49I think you'll find it's rectangle.
00:58:52You say, say oblong, and they go, no, no, really, I couldn't,
00:58:55it's rectangle. That's what I do in the afternoons.
00:58:58I go about town, I go up to Liverpool Street,
00:59:01and I go up to the businessman and say, come on, say oblong,
00:59:04and they go, no, no, really, I couldn't. There's no way.
00:59:07And I go, come on, just come down this alley with me.
00:59:10Come on. Come on.
00:59:13Come on, baby. Come on.
00:59:16Come on, come say oblong. What's happening? Come on.
00:59:19Come on. Come on, little piece of chicken.
00:59:22Come say oblong. Come on.
00:59:25Come on. Come on, baby.
00:59:28I go and get them by the hand and go, come on, come on.
00:59:31I lead them down the alley and I sit them down on a little stool
00:59:34made of ice and it melts and they lower down and they lose their confidence
00:59:37and they sit there and I go, go on, you can say oblong, say it.
00:59:40And they go, do you really think I could say oblong?
00:59:43I go, yeah. And they go, okay.
00:59:48Oblong.
00:59:52I get out a dictaphone and go, I've got it on tape.
00:59:55And they go, no. And I go to where they were and go, look what he said.
00:59:58He said oblong. And they all go, he said oblong.
01:00:01Isn't that tape them saying it?
01:00:04Pretty soon I was running the entire city with the power of oblong.
01:00:08So don't try and take me on.
01:00:11So, you all right up there? How's it going?
01:00:14Wow, it's pretty cool. This is a weird old gig.
01:00:17Hey, look at you. You need to be a peregrine falcon to make this gig work.
01:00:20You all right there? Oh, shit, they're everywhere.
01:00:23Look at you lot, you little beagles. Come on.
01:00:26I'd love to suck all your heads like Chupa Chup lollies.
01:00:29That would be my main ambition, just to leap onto you.
01:00:32I'm pretty bored, though, being a man. It's great when you're a kid.
01:00:35But when you're a man, there's not much you can do, is there?
01:00:38You need drugs, money, the lot. But when you're a little kid, anything's fun.
01:00:41You're there, you're six years old, it's summer holidays.
01:00:44You go, I'm bored, what am I going to do? And you look down and your socks have slipped down.
01:00:47You've got really long feet. And you go, fucking hell, that's a game in itself.
01:00:50Check me out.
01:00:53I'm the sock demon of old London town.
01:00:56And you're just there whipping the cat in the eye.
01:00:59And the cat's all scrunched up in the corner going,
01:01:03I can do you, close range.
01:01:06You go, yeah, but from where I'm standing, you're nothing, tiddles.
01:01:09Take that.
01:01:12Your mum tries to ruin it and goes, pull your socks up. You trip over.
01:01:15You go, I don't trip over. I'm six years old. Check me out.
01:01:18Look at me moving around.
01:01:21And you get it caught under the coffee table and go, but mums can never be right.
01:01:24So you carry on anyway. I've got to carry on.
01:01:27And she's going, there's no situation here. It'll be fine.
01:01:30And you keep walking and you get to Paris and it's really taut at that point.
01:01:33Oh, please. And then your brother nips out and cuts it
01:01:36and it shoots out in the air and hits a chaff inch in flight.
01:01:42Imagine having that as one of your punchlines.
01:01:47But my brother, he was the right little minx because he's younger than me.
01:01:50And I used to really, I mean, I don't know about you, sir, if you've got a younger brother,
01:01:53but basically, if you have, you just beat the living shit out of them.
01:01:56I used to give my brother dead arms, dead legs.
01:01:59Not the punches. I used to go down to the morgue and bring him back limbs.
01:02:04The best thing I ever did to my brother, though, is I told it.
01:02:07He thought there was a monster living under his bed because I told him there was.
01:02:10And he was terrified. And one night I saw him in his little pyjamas.
01:02:13He must have been about nine and I was about 11.
01:02:16He was in his little pyjamas getting ready in the bathroom, cleaning his teeth like this.
01:02:20Because he used to clean his teeth with maracas. And he was there.
01:02:23I saw him and thought, I'll get under his bed.
01:02:27Pretend to be the monster. Genius. He'll have a heart attack. He'll actually die.
01:02:32I don't know how I'm going to explain that to mum, but it doesn't matter.
01:02:35So I got under his bed and I was there. I could scarcely contain myself.
01:02:38I was going, this is genius. He's going to freak out.
01:02:42And I turned around and there was a monster there like that.
01:02:46He went, this is my motherfucking patch.
01:02:50I went, all right. I was furious.
01:02:52Usurped by the monster. I said to him, who says you can get under people's beds?
01:02:56Maybe I'll get under your bed.
01:02:58I went to where he lived. I thought, I'm not having this. This is revenge.
01:03:01I'm only nine. I'm going to take him on his own game.
01:03:03So I went to where he lived, but unfortunately he lived in Milton Keynes.
01:03:06It took me ages. I was only nine. I had to get a coach. I had to hitchhike some of the way.
01:03:10Big man with a beard picked me up, put me in his beard.
01:03:12I had to live in his weird beard world for a year. It was horrible in there.
01:03:15There were cats in there with no whiskers. I didn't know what was going on.
01:03:19It was a shambles. He pulled me out. He went, the monster lives up there.
01:03:22So I ran up there. I went, revenge is mine. I went up to the monster's house.
01:03:25It was locked. I kicked down the door. I didn't care. I thought, I'm going to get under his bed.
01:03:28I ran up the stairs, went into his bedroom.
01:03:30He had a futon.
01:03:35I got under anyway. I was like that. I won't be beaten.
01:03:39I could only move my eyelids. I didn't know how I was going to jump out on him.
01:03:42He came and he knew I was there. He pulled me out. I was all way for him.
01:03:46Put me in a book with other humans.
01:03:48Every now and then monsters would come around and look through it and go, I like page 42.
01:03:52Never my page.
01:03:57I remember when I was about 14, my mum found a condom in my room.
01:04:00And she went mental. Not just mad. She went around town putting men in wicker.
01:04:05She went crazy.
01:04:07Mind you, it was on the end of an erect zebra's penis, so that might have been why.
01:04:11She'd come in with clean towels and the zebra would be chasing her around the room.
01:04:14And she'd have to beat him off with the towels. Don't be rude now.
01:04:20And she left my dad for him.
01:04:22He was kind of a father to me. Just a long-nosed, stripey father.
01:04:26It's amazing though. I remember in the summer holidays, he'd just take me out on a little boat.
01:04:29A little rowing boat. No water. Just in the forest like that.
01:04:32And he hired two otters to just push the side.
01:04:35They were nice. You could get them both on a sort of cheap boat.
01:04:38They were nice. You could get them both on a sort of cheap deal.
01:04:41And we'd just sit there. And it was in the 70s.
01:04:43I remember I used to have big 70s shirts on.
01:04:45Big 70s shirts. Amazing they were.
01:04:48And he'd sit there with his zebra face looking at me.
01:04:50And I'd think, what's happening?
01:04:52And I'd look at him like that.
01:04:53And he'd unbutton his 70s shirt and the moonlight would come down.
01:04:56I'll never forget this. He had metallic nipples. It's amazing.
01:05:00And the moonlight would come down and shine off his metallic nipplets.
01:05:04And creating a little light beam.
01:05:09Ooh, little light rod. Ooh, coming towards my eye.
01:05:12Ooh. And as they used to get there, like little fluorescent spears.
01:05:16I used to just pull across a zinc eye patch and they would ricochet back at him.
01:05:20It was like light tennis. It was amazing.
01:05:22But he knew the score. He already had a strontium roll neck on.
01:05:25He was there with top spin.
01:05:27But what he didn't realise is I'd hired a Norman helmet.
01:05:31Must have been 97% titanium. Right down the bridge of the nose.
01:05:34It's got to have been titanium. I was there.
01:05:36Come on, I'll take you on.
01:05:38We used to play that for about 11 hours.
01:05:40And then eventually, a man made entirely of silhouette would come up and go,
01:05:44Enough.
01:05:48Is that weird?
01:05:50That's the only dad I know.
01:05:52So, I once tracked a unicorn to the ends of the earth.
01:05:56Eventually caught up with it and it turned out to be a white horse with a cornetto stuck on its head.
01:06:01Oh, I was so annoyed.
01:06:03And in the hot afternoon sun, the cornetto slipped down his long face and just flicked up in the air.
01:06:08And I grabbed it and went, I'll have that.
01:06:10Make up for some of the time I spent looking for you, you hoax.
01:06:12Yeah, see you later.
01:06:14I turned around and he didn't give a shit.
01:06:16He was leaning on a freezer full of magnums.
01:06:21Oh, it wasn't even a white horse.
01:06:23It's a brown horse with an Ice Cream Man's jacket on.
01:06:26He had a van and everything.
01:06:28How do you drive it? I've got a small Argentinian boy.
01:06:30I don't need to tell you my business.
01:06:33Oh, so annoyed.
01:06:35Anyway, the last thing I want to tell you before I go is,
01:06:38You know the silver grey monkey?
01:06:41The slightly twisted, always looking monkey.
01:06:46The slightly twisted, always looking on tippy-toe monkey.
01:06:52The slightly twisted, always looking snooker, referee waistcoat, long poles,
01:06:58hitting the tiny mice's skulls, hitting the tiny mice's skulls, monkey.
01:07:03Living in a huge house made of bus receipts, monkey.
01:07:08The slightly twisted, always looking creepy, tippy-toe looking bus receipts,
01:07:13long poles, hitting the mouse's skulls, hitting the mouse's skulls, monkey.
01:07:19He was my father.
01:07:22He was my father.
01:07:25Imagine ending a gig like that.
01:07:28You've been great. Cheers.
01:07:30Thanks a lot.
01:07:33Cheers.
01:07:42Thank you. Thank you, guys.
01:07:44Okay.
01:07:47Now it's time for
01:07:51a lovely, white, chocolatey trip down memory lane.
01:07:5730 years ago, you couldn't go for them off our screens.
01:08:01But then he rode out of town into the sunset.
01:08:04But we've tracked him down in Stoke.
01:08:08And he's agreed to mount his hoss for one more time.
01:08:11Please give a huge Albert Wall welcome.
01:08:13Albert Wall. I've picked him up. That's not a joke.
01:08:16Thank you. Welcome.
01:08:18Welcome to Jonathan Pearce, the original Milky Bar Kid.
01:08:32The Milky Bar Kid is strong and tough
01:08:35But only the best is good enough
01:08:38The milkiest milk, the whitest bar
01:08:41Nestle's Milky Bar
01:08:47Sit down.
01:08:50Now, just angle your chair towards me like a chat show.
01:08:53Right.
01:08:55Knowing me, Alan Partridge
01:08:59You've changed.
01:09:02Knowing me, Alan Partridge. Knowing you, Jonathan Pearce.
01:09:05The Milky Bar Kid. Ah-ha.
01:09:11Was that an ah-ha or were you just clearing your throat?
01:09:14I was just clearing my throat.
01:09:17OK. Do you want to get the ah-ha out of the way?
01:09:20Ah-ha.
01:09:31Cheers.
01:09:35Do you want one?
01:09:38Nah.
01:09:41Now, who could forget
01:09:4425 years ago, we all used to love the Milky Bar ad
01:09:47with that lovely song
01:09:50implying you were strong and tough
01:09:53when you were clearly an undersized blonde boy.
01:09:56In fact, the type of person who would be bullied at school.
01:09:59But we all loved you and your catchphrase
01:10:02The Milky Bars are on me.
01:10:05What have you been up to since?
01:10:08A lot. I've been having a good time.
01:10:11The advert was great fun.
01:10:14The kids always used to shout my catchphrase in the street.
01:10:17But as it wore off, the pressure grew
01:10:20and when I was 12, I started drinking.
01:10:23The acting dried up.
01:10:26They replaced me in 74 with another kid.
01:10:29I got a part in Poldark as a cabin boy.
01:10:32But that was it, really.
01:10:35When I was 15, he ran off with my girlfriend.
01:10:38I earned about £200 from the advert.
01:10:41I spent the money on the guitar and tried to start a band.
01:10:44That didn't work, so I sold the guitar for drugs.
01:10:47And about 25 years old, I started selling my body for sex.
01:11:00Jesus Christ.
01:11:04Then things really got bad.
01:11:07I moved into a hostel with a guy called Peter.
01:11:10He was really nice. He got me back on my feet.
01:11:13He was the first guy that didn't take me for granted.
01:11:16Which was great, but I screwed that up.
01:11:19I paid him back by breaking into his room.
01:11:22I stole all his money.
01:11:25I broke his heart.
01:11:28I ruined his life.
01:11:31Like I ruined mine.
01:11:50The Milky Bar Kid is strong and tough,
01:11:53but only the best is good enough.
01:11:56The milkiest milk, the whitest bar, Nestle's Milky Bar.
01:12:02You sold yourself for sex?
01:12:05Yes, I did, during my 20s.
01:12:08It was a dark time for me, a difficult time.
01:12:11How do you feel about that?
01:12:14I'm ashamed.
01:12:17We've all done things we regret.
01:12:20It's all right, I don't want sex.
01:12:23Or a Milky Bar.
01:12:26Let me ask you a question.
01:12:29I want you to be strong.
01:12:32I want you to be brave.
01:12:35When you had sex with these men,
01:12:38terrible, terrible thing,
01:12:41did you actually, when you were having sex,
01:12:44were you actually wearing the costume?
01:12:47Yes, I was wearing the costume.
01:12:50And did you say the catchphrase?
01:12:54After they'd finished, yeah, I said the catchphrase.
01:12:57Which was?
01:13:03The Milky Bars are on me.
01:13:11Yes, I can see how that would work.
01:13:18I was hoping things would lighten up again.
01:13:22Now, it hasn't.
01:13:25But how did you, you were a grown man then,
01:13:28where did you get the costume from?
01:13:31I found a sewing machine in a skip
01:13:34and I made myself some chaps from an Adidas bag.
01:13:37Is there enough material in an Adidas bag to make chaps?
01:13:40Yeah, absolutely, because you don't need any material here or here.
01:13:44Do you think that the Milky Bar kid
01:13:47is strong and tough enough to change the subject?
01:13:50Yeah.
01:13:53Now, how's your life now?
01:13:56Good, yes, I've kind of moved on, really.
01:13:59I've got myself back together, I'm making things happen.
01:14:02What are you doing now?
01:14:05I run a hardcore porn website.
01:14:08Oh.
01:14:12Oh, does your girlfriend mind?
01:14:15Well, I don't actually have a girlfriend, Alan, I'm gay.
01:14:18Absolutely fine, absolutely fine.
01:14:21Let's talk gay, let's talk gay.
01:14:26Now, certain words, it's interesting,
01:14:29certain words have been reclaimed by the gay community, haven't they?
01:14:32Like queer, sausage jockey.
01:14:35I'd have to disagree with the second one, Alan.
01:14:38It's all about context, you know, people...
01:14:41Like, for instance, I was leaving the house the other day with my boyfriend
01:14:44and there were some kids on the other side of the road
01:14:47and they went, ooh, you know, there they are, the queer bastards.
01:14:50Marvellous sense of humour.
01:14:53Alan, I was offended by that.
01:14:56Oh, I see, sorry, OK.
01:14:59OK, tell me, how do you relax?
01:15:02And I don't mean poppers.
01:15:05I just, I like, I just like chilling out with my friends,
01:15:08I go clubbing, you know.
01:15:11Right, OK, clubbing.
01:15:14Well, here's the thing, which I find fascinating.
01:15:17Here's a hypothesis.
01:15:20The whole gay club scene, very curious.
01:15:23Here's a hypothesis.
01:15:26I'm a gay man,
01:15:29I'm in a bar with other men in cowboy gear,
01:15:33called, I don't know, Oklahoma's.
01:15:41I'm tripping the light fantastic.
01:15:44I'm sweating.
01:15:47I spot a chap, he gives me that look.
01:15:53Within half an hour, we're back at his pad.
01:15:56We put on some music.
01:15:59We put on some music.
01:16:02I suggest steel eye span, he wants something light.
01:16:05We compromise on seal.
01:16:08You can cut the atmosphere with a carving knife.
01:16:11It's electric.
01:16:14The atmosphere, not the carving knife.
01:16:20His feathers are dripping.
01:16:23His feathers?
01:16:26His feathers are dripping, I forgot to mention that earlier.
01:16:29He rips off my Adidas chaps.
01:16:32I insist he uses a condom, a dickie jacket.
01:16:35He refuses.
01:16:38I insist.
01:16:41He threatens me with his tomahawk.
01:16:44Sorry, what's your point, Alan?
01:16:47I've forgotten that, Sam.
01:16:50But anyway, talk about that golden period
01:16:53and the Milky Bar Kid on our screens.
01:16:56To be honest, I don't want to talk about that period of my life.
01:16:59It was a difficult time.
01:17:02I'd rather just forget it.
01:17:05Let's talk about what happened after.
01:17:08I thought that was why I was here.
01:17:11Will you put on the hat and sing the Milky Bar Kid song?
01:17:14No, Alan, I don't want to.
01:17:17That just reminds me of a bad time in my life when I turned to drink.
01:17:21But it helps if I talk about it, you know?
01:17:24Yeah, I know.
01:17:27Just don't.
01:17:30Do you want to pop the hat on and sing the song?
01:17:33I don't want to do that.
01:17:36Do you want him to sing the song?
01:17:39Put the hat on and sing the song.
01:17:42Go on.
01:17:45The Milky Bar Kid is strong and tough.
01:17:48The Milky Bar Kid is strong and tough.
01:17:51And only the best is good enough.
01:17:54Get off me! Get off me!
01:17:57OK, calm down.
01:18:00Now, listen, be calm, OK?
01:18:03I am your friend.
01:18:06You can trust me, er, Milky.
01:18:09Jonathan! Yeah, whatever.
01:18:12OK, you are strong and tough.
01:18:15Only the best is good enough.
01:18:18The milkiest milk.
01:18:21The whitest bar.
01:18:24Nestle's Milky Bar. It's OK, it's OK.
01:18:27Get him! Get him! Get him!
01:18:30Here, go on, take him off.
01:18:33Go on, get it and take him off.
01:18:36That's a real criminal.
01:18:39APPLAUSE
01:18:45OK.
01:18:51OK, now it's time for the final act.
01:18:55Please give a big, warm welcome to Little Britain.
01:18:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:19:06It says here there was a bucket stolen in the village on Tuesday.
01:19:10Or it was a crime wave.
01:19:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:19:24Mum? Dad?
01:19:27Morning, son. Morning, son.
01:19:30There's, er...
01:19:33There's something I want to tell you both.
01:19:36LAUGHTER
01:19:46Oh, put your paper down, Dad.
01:19:49Now, what is it you want to say?
01:19:52Now, you...
01:20:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:20:06Now, you may have noticed I haven't really had any girlfriends.
01:20:10Well, you used to go out with that girl from the chip shop.
01:20:14Please, that was just a phase. Don't mention that again.
01:20:17What about that girl at school, the one with the lazy eye?
01:20:20I thought you were quite taken with her.
01:20:22Again, the folly of youth. No.
01:20:25What I want to tell you here today
01:20:29is that I am, in fact...
01:20:33Asthmatic? No.
01:20:37I am...a gay.
01:20:40Ha!
01:20:42Oh, that's nice, dear.
01:20:44Yeah, good for you, lad.
01:20:46It says here that the bucket had a chrome handle.
01:20:49Ooh!
01:20:51So you don't mind? No.
01:20:53Of course not.
01:20:55So you're not going to disown me, you know? Cast me asunder?
01:20:58Er, no. To be honest, love, we did have a bit of an inkling.
01:21:03So you, er...
01:21:05You got a boyfriend, then?
01:21:07No.
01:21:09Oh, have you not been having any arse action at all?
01:21:14No. No, but I have been thinking about having it,
01:21:17which may shock you.
01:21:19Oh, we'll have to try and fix you up with someone.
01:21:21Well, that won't be very easy, I'm afraid,
01:21:24as I am, centre stage, centre stage...
01:21:28..the only gay in the village.
01:21:37I'll tell you what, though.
01:21:39I'll tell you what, there's a right handsome lad who works down the mine.
01:21:42He takes it up the chuff.
01:21:45No, thank you.
01:21:47Oh, no, I tell you who is mad for cock.
01:21:51No, gay Aled, who runs the sauna.
01:21:54Gay Aled is not gay.
01:21:56Your uncle glints at him.
01:21:58Apparently, he's very into water sports.
01:22:01Oh, that's nice of him, isn't it? Yeah, lovely.
01:22:04What I'm going to do is I'm going to invite the whole family
01:22:07to come here on Sunday.
01:22:09I don't think they'll like it, but I think it's time I told them.
01:22:13Oh, I'm not sure Sunday's going to be any good, love.
01:22:16Why not?
01:22:18Well, your uncle Gareth is going to be at the Mardi Gras in San Francisco.
01:22:22Your cousin Bryn is going down to Cardiff to watch Betty Midler.
01:22:27What about Auntie Seanhead?
01:22:29Oh, no, she just stays in on a Sunday and eats minge.
01:22:35Sorry about that.
01:22:37Just caught me mid-dumb.
01:22:39OK, now, um...
01:22:43So, I'll, uh...
01:22:46I'll finish it later.
01:22:48So, thank you to Little Britain,
01:22:50to Matt Lucas, David Walliams, Moana Banks,
01:22:53Ricky Gervais, Rob Brydon, Rich Rule, Rob Tools,
01:22:56Noel Fielding, Simon Pegg, Hugh Parker,
01:22:58and you for being very generous and always having a marvellous evening.
01:23:02Thank you very much.
01:23:33I WOKE UP IN A SOHO DOOR WHERE A POLICEMAN KNEW MY NAME
01:23:38HE SAID, YOU CAN'T GO TO SLEEP AT HOME TONIGHT
01:23:41IF YOU CAN'T GET UP AND WALK AWAY
01:23:45I STAGGERED RIGHT THROUGH THE UNDERGROUND
01:23:47WHEN THE FREEZE BLEW BLACK MY HAIR