Ultima 2： Revenge of the Enchantress by Noah Antwiler | The Spoony Experiment

Kanal Mongomedial

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Transcript

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00:00I met you on a Thursday, Friday I took you home

00:07On Saturday I'm begging you baby, just leave me alone

00:14You're turning me upside down, pull me to the ground

00:18When you shake me, shake me

00:21I'm giving you what you need

00:23And I'm begging please don't break me, break me love

00:30I'm begging please don't break me, break me love

00:35I'm begging please don't break me, break me love

01:00I'm begging please don't break me, break me love

01:05I'm begging please don't break me, break me love

01:10I'm begging please don't break me, break me love

01:15I'm begging please don't break me, break me love

01:20I'm begging please don't break me, break me love

01:25I'm begging please don't break me, break me love

01:30I'm begging please don't break me, break me love

01:35I'm begging please don't break me, break me love

01:40I'm begging please don't break me, break me love

01:45I'm begging please don't break me, break me love

01:50In this game you're running around a map of Earth, jumping through time gates that lead you to eras before and after Minax has enacted her holocaust over the world.

01:58I'll tell you the truth, this game always confused the hell out of me. I never knew where to go, or when I was supposed to go there, and when I got there, what I was supposed to do.

02:07Even reading the walkthroughs just made no sense. I'll try to explain.

02:11Okay, bottom line. The goal is you have to kill Minax, who lives in a castle in the time of legends, which is protected by legions of demons and forcefields.

02:19To get past the monsters you need magic coins to negate and freeze time. To get through the forcefields without getting incinerated, you need the magic ring.

02:27Of course, the game never specifically tells you that's what the ring does, just that you should probably find one.

02:33Where's the ring? Well, one guy somewhere tells you that Father Antos has the ring.

02:37Where is he? Well, another guy tells you he's on planet X, which is where the red lectroids live, I think.

02:43And yeah, that means you have to go into outer space again. But luckily, the Empire and its TIE fighters have left the system.

02:49So how do you get into outer space? Unfortunately, all the spaceship dealers were wiped out in the apocalypse, so the only rockets you can find belong to the remnants of the Soviet Union.

02:58You have to sneak past the KGB, break into their test launch facility, hijack a rocket, and blast off!

03:04Oh, and I hope you're wearing power armor or you'll just die.

03:07You can actually visit every planet in the solar system by consulting the star map in the instruction book and setting the proper Zeno, Yakko, and Zabo coordinates.

03:14What are you laughing at? This is hard science, people!

03:17But really, there's not much to see, even if you're willing to blow through the trilithium fuel and risk crashing your ship every time you land.

03:23Nobody has anything important to say. Like, one chick on Mars threatens to blast you if you go into his store and... doesn't.

03:29And another guy on Jupiter asks you where he can find a duck.

03:34At this hour?

03:36I also probed Uranus, which is big and swampy and full of craters, but is otherwise uninteresting.

03:41Actually, there's only one town there called New Jester, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out why.

03:46But if I were to guess, I'd say it's where all the Jesters of the world were exiled for making endless Uranus jokes.

03:53Anyway, you have to explore to find Planet 10, which is at the coordinates 999,

03:58poke around there, get drunk at Ozzy's place, and finally find Father Antos hanging out in some kitchen who says,

04:04You have earned my blessing! Return and claim the ring!

04:07But of course he never explains what the ring does or where to return to claim it.

04:11It turns out you have to go to New San Antonio and find some guy hanging out under a tree who says,

04:16I am an old man!

04:18And then you have to use a special undocumented keyboard action to offer him 500 gold pieces, and then he gives you the ring!

04:24What the fuck?! How am I supposed to know that?!

04:27I must have seen every single line of dialogue in this game, and I don't think there's a single person here who explains this!

04:32This guy certainly doesn't help! He doesn't even say he has the ring! He just says he's an old man!

04:38Why would I spontaneously shove a sack of 500 gold pieces into his hand?

04:42And yes, you actually have to go to Planet 10 to get Antos's blessing, or the old guy won't give you the ring.

04:48Oh, he'll take your money, but he won't give you the ring?

04:50How the fuck does this guy know? Does Antos update his fucking Facebook or something?

04:54Why does this random old guy sitting under a tree have a magic force field nullifying ring?

04:59Why does nobody explain anything in this fucking game?

05:03I don't know, but New San Antonio is a weird town anyway.

05:06While you're there, you can find a building called the Hotel California.

05:10Yes, the Hotel California, which is in San Antonio, Texas.

05:16Be prepared to come back here a lot, because there's a guy in the hotel who, if you offer him 100 bucks,

05:22will either say thank you or Alakazam!

05:25And if he says Alakazam, he just randomly raised one of your character attributes by 4 points.

05:30How? Why? I don't know. But it's 100 bucks.

05:34This is the only way I ever found to level my stats up, and you need to do this,

05:38because it seems like you're never able to equip new items because you're either not strong or agile enough.

05:43You'll blow all your money on a phaser and power armor, only to be told your attributes suck too much to use them.

05:48So basically, you spend the entire game grinding out gold pieces.

05:51You grind out gold, buy a weapon, find out you can't use it,

05:54grind out more gold to give to the Hotel California.

05:56But remember, you need to buy food, so you need to grind gold to buy more food,

06:00so you can grind more gold so you can level up, so you can use weapons,

06:02so you can grind for more weapons that you can't use.

06:04You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave!

06:07Anyway, you do all that, go to the Time of Legends, and surprise!

06:10You find out that many of the demons around Minax's fortress are not only badass, but some are invincible!

06:16It even says so in the book!

06:17Trust me, you can stab them with your steely knife, but you just can't kill the beast.

06:20You have to freeze time using magic coins, get into the fortress, and attack Minax.

06:25Oh, but wait, I forgot to tell you, there's only one weapon in the entire world that can actually hurt Minax, called the quicksword.

06:31Okay, actually, maybe I didn't forget to tell you, because the entire fucking game forgets to tell you,

06:36because I don't think there's a single solitary person in the entire world who decide they might want to mention this little factoid.

06:45How the fuck are you supposed to figure this out before the internet and you can find walkthroughs online?

06:50I'm serious! Nobody tells you what this sword is, what it does, or where to find it.

06:55It turns out there's some guy in a prison cell you have to break into, pay him a ton of money, and he just sells you the sword.

07:01And don't even ask me how a guy gets locked in a prison cell with his magic sword,

07:06and why he's so eager to sell it for gold pieces when you just broke him out of jail.

07:11Minax is annoying in her own unique way.

07:14She does this thing where every time you hit her, she teleports between chamber 1 and chamber 2, which are conveniently labeled,

07:20forcing you to run back and forth between the two rooms, slapping her around until she finally drops dead.

07:41I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I

08:11I was just a kid when I played this, so you can imagine how over my head all this was.

08:16I guess it did introduce a lot of depth and complexity to a relatively shallow gaming

08:20genre at the time, but it just confused the hell out of me.

08:24Some dance to remember, I dance to forget.

08:41Copyright WDR 2021