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00:00Hi, I'm Will Ferrell.
00:02And I'm Chris Katan.
00:03You're watching Comedy Central.
00:04And you're watching my ass!
00:07It's time for the show that promises you a little tongue action at the end of the evening,
00:15Make Me Laugh!
00:20Today's comedians are Carlos Alatraki, Ludo Pica, Jeff Rothman,
00:27and our mystery comic.
00:30And now, a guy who loves the feel of crushed velvet against his nipples, Mark Kerlin!
00:44Welcome to Make Me Laugh, the show where contestants will make out by not laughing.
00:48And when I say make out, I mean make out, I mean open mouth, tongue down the throat thing.
00:53That's how they get on the show, that's how they do so well.
00:57How are you? Speaking of tongues and mouths, how are you?
01:00Welcome to very hot looking, very Midwest looking as well.
01:05Thank you very much.
01:06You're welcome.
01:07Louis, who's our first contestant?
01:09It's Nicole West, she's a makeup artist from Hawaii.
01:13Nicole West!
01:16Welcome to Make Me Laugh, the show where contestants will make out by not laughing.
01:22Hey, how are you?
01:25Nicole, lovely looking lady, you're a makeup artist.
01:28Yes I am.
01:29Did you do yourself today?
01:30I sure did, but I had touch ups.
01:33You look fantastic is what I'm trying to say.
01:35Thank you.
01:36Okay, we're going to give you up to three comics, 60 seconds each, a dollar every second that you don't laugh.
01:41Everybody laughs differently, so all decisions on what is or what is not a laugh will be made by our laugh judge.
01:45Oh, you're already going.
01:47And remember, keep eye, eye, eye, eye, eye contact with the comedians at all times, okay?
01:51Carlos, that was rocky.
01:53Nicole says, make me laugh.
01:57Yeah, yeah.
01:59Nice to meet you.
02:01Wow, gosh.
02:03I'm over 30, I'm kind of jaded.
02:04Have you heard of this band, Prodigy, with this song, Smack My Bitch Up?
02:07It's kind of eww.
02:09It's a good song, but I can't imagine 10 years ago them being on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.
02:14Okay, here they are, all the way from London, England.
02:18Okay, Ed, have you heard of this band?
02:21Okay, here they are to sing their smash hit, Smash My Bitch Up.
02:28I meant smack, and that's how I lost my second wife.
02:35Have you watched any Kenny movies?
02:41Burgess Meredith passed away this year.
02:43Boy, from Rocky, Mick.
02:45You know he didn't go easy when death walked in the door.
02:47I've come for you, Mr. Meredith.
02:49You son of a bitch!
02:51You think you're going to take me with one hand?
02:53You got another...
02:55You know Hugh Hefner.
03:01That's one of my all-time favorites.
03:03I love that impression.
03:05That's one of my favorites.
03:07Well, you have $60, and you know what?
03:09You are in first place right now.
03:11Against myself?
03:13Oh, wow!
03:15All right.
03:17Ludovica Nicole says, make me laugh.
03:27Hello, baby.
03:29You're looking good, baby.
03:31Oh, I do, too.
03:33Before I left the house, I was looking at myself in the mirror.
03:35I was like, mm-hmm, yeah, I do me.
03:39See, baby, we have to do this these days
03:41because guys are too busy looking at themselves in the mirror
03:43going, yeah, of course, I do me.
03:45You know what I mean?
03:47Are you married?
03:49I'm married, baby.
03:51I'm married to a cowboy.
03:53Oh, my God, this redneck is so stupid.
03:55Oh, God.
03:57Every month, he's such a whiner.
03:59He's got a bunch of pedicures and manicures.
04:01I'm like, God, please don't torture me like this.
04:03Just get a third job.
04:07I am telling you, baby.
04:09And then he wants a baby.
04:11I want a baby, I want a baby, I want a baby.
04:13I'm like, yeah, go ahead, have one for me.
04:15He said I'll get used to having 10 or 10 babies.
04:17I'm telling you something.
04:19I'll get used to, like, I'll get used to a big hairy mole
04:21on my forehead.
04:23Look, yeah, I'm teething now.
04:25Yeah, I'm going to university.
04:27Yeah.
04:29She's a tough one.
04:31Very nice.
04:33Good job, Nicole.
04:35I know, you're doing great.
04:37Jeff Roth, man.
04:39Nicole says, make me laugh.
04:45Thank you.
04:47Oh, okay, sorry.
04:49I'm Jeff, I'm a really nice guy.
04:51My mom always said, ever since I was a little kid,
04:53try to be nice to others,
04:55you little bastard.
05:01It's my parents, you know.
05:03I'm married now, and it's really interesting,
05:05you know, when you first get married,
05:07you're so nice to each other.
05:09When my wife would get sick with a cold
05:11and she'd be coughing all night, 3 in the morning,
05:13I'd be saying, are you okay, can I get you some money?
05:15And now it's like, shut up.
05:21I knew you'd do it, baby.
05:23You're an excellent girl, excellent contestant.
05:25I'm starting to shake.
05:27You're what?
05:29Oh, you're lip-shaking, all right, well that's good.
05:31You have $154, and we'll be right back
05:33to meet our next two players right after this.
05:35They're great.
05:45Comedy Central presents
05:47all new shows from Comedy's shining stars.
05:49Look at this.
05:52Which doesn't mean anything, by the way.
05:54Comedy Central presents
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05:58only on Comedy Central.
06:00Tweety, I really don't think you guys are relatives.
06:02I do.
06:04MCI 5 cents a minute helps me keep up with my space jam buddies.
06:06He doesn't even have feathers.
06:08But we have the same last name.
06:10It's just 5 cents a minute.
06:12Every minute, every Sunday,
06:14I get 10 cents a minute all week long.
06:16But just because he's Larry Bird and you're Tweety Bird
06:18doesn't mean you're related.
06:21We work an awful lot of white.
06:23Call 1-800-SEND-IT
06:25to become an MCI customer.
06:29It will take courage to face it.
06:31You're gonna die if you stay here, you know that.
06:33A miracle to survive it.
06:35Get out of there!
06:37And now you can own it.
06:39Life will go on.
06:41Buy it today on video and DVD.
06:43Yes! Yes, yes!
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06:47Yes!
06:50Yes, a surprisingly gentle way to get glorious skin.
06:52And yes,
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06:58Ah!
07:20♪♪
07:26Tickle your senses.
07:28♪♪
07:44Don't miss the exciting action
07:46as Cablevision's Long Island Sports Network
07:49brings you high-quality local sports.
07:51Catch all the action on the Metro Learning Channel.
07:53LISN is being brought to you in part
07:55by Adelphi University.
07:59Day-woo.
08:01Day-woo.
08:03Day-woo.
08:05Day-woo.
08:07Day-woo.
08:09Day-woo.
08:11Day-woo.
08:13Day-woo.
08:15Ah!
08:17Day-woo.
08:19Day-woo.
08:21Day-woo.
08:23Ah!
08:25Ah!
08:27Ah!
08:29Ah!
08:31Ah!
08:33Hey!
08:35Welcome back to Make Me Laugh.
08:37We're here.
08:39Nicole over there has $154.
08:41That means we need some more contestants.
08:43It's Matt Jernigan.
08:45Shoot.
08:47Whoo!
08:49How are you, Matt?
08:51Good, how are you?
08:53Matt, the trade show host.
08:55That is me.
08:57What was your last show?
08:59It was in Tupelo, Mississippi.
09:01Wow!
09:03Yeah.
09:05What kind of trade show was it?
09:07It was a toy trade show.
09:09We had lots of dolls.
09:11We had a Billy Bob Thornton doll,
09:13I'll do it better.
09:15You can do it, let me hear.
09:17I like one of them boys to make me laugh.
09:21That's a funny audience.
09:23A funny audience.
09:25All right, we're going to give you up to three comments,
09:27up to 60 seconds each, a dollar every second.
09:29You're going to laugh.
09:31Keep eye contact.
09:33Carlos Alasrocky.
09:35Matt says, make me laugh.
09:37Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:39All right, this is my impression of Billy Bob Thornton.
09:41Billy Bob Thornton on the dating game.
09:43Bachelor number one,
09:45if we went out on a date
09:47and I accidentally spilled food on you,
09:49would you be okay with that?
10:03I don't reckon I'll get the interstate line.
10:07I don't think you'd be okay
10:09if you spilled food on me.
10:13I think I'd have to kill you.
10:17I don't mind saying that you're a handsome man.
10:21I think I'd like to go to a trade show with you.
10:33I reckon I ran out of time.
10:39It's good.
10:41$60.
10:43You know, I see you on camera,
10:45you look like you're from the King Arthur era.
10:47Well, yeah.
10:49Some people say it looks like a ski slope.
10:51Oh, I can see that.
10:53All right.
10:55Ludovica Matt says, make me laugh.
10:57Oh, yeah, baby!
10:59Hello, baby!
11:01Hello, hello, hello.
11:03Is your name Matt?
11:05Yes.
11:07What's your favorite name?
11:11Would you like to say hi to my niece, baby?
11:13This is Christmas and this is New Year's.
11:15Would you like to come visit me
11:17between the holidays?
11:23Oh, baby, I love your goatee.
11:25You know, the other day I had to sit
11:27in front of this guy with a goatee,
11:29but it was not a goatee, really, baby.
11:31It was like these three lonely armpit hairs
11:33coming out of his chin.
11:35He was like, so?
11:39You want a man for your pleasures?
11:43I was like, no.
11:45Did you want a deodorant for your chin?
11:49I'm telling you, baby,
11:51these guys these days.
11:53And then this kid running to me, you know what I mean?
11:55And I was like, hey, don't you know any manners?
11:57He goes, yeah, but I don't like it on my sandwich.
11:59I'm telling you.
12:05Wow, $120.
12:07You are in third place.
12:09Happy Holidays to you, Jeff Rothfand.
12:11Matt says,
12:13make me laugh.
12:19Hey, don't smile. It's all right.
12:21How you doing? You all right?
12:23Is that your breath?
12:29It's so hard to tell somebody, give them a hint
12:31that they have bad breath, you know?
12:33Like, hey, you want to go brush our teeth?
12:39There's a sink over here, you know?
12:41I offer them gum. They never take it.
12:43Everyone else wants gum except the person with bad breath.
12:47Everyone else.
12:49Hey, want some Trident?
12:51No?
12:53You mind if I stick one up my nose?
12:55Maybe that'll help get rid of the bad breath, huh?
12:59I use this stuff, Listerine. It's so strong.
13:01What's in it? Battery acid?
13:05I don't even think it's mouthwash.
13:07You know what it says on the bottle? Antiseptic.
13:09You're supposed to clean your septic tank with this crap.
13:11That's what I think.
13:13It's bathroom cleaner. Come on, man.
13:15You can do it. You can do it.
13:17I know you can. Come on.
13:21You can do it.
13:23Perfect score, $180.
13:25We'll see you in our next round.
13:27Go stand over there.
13:29It's Rachel Cohen.
13:31She's a former children's theater worker
13:33from Atlanta, Georgia.
13:35Rachel Cohen.
13:37Hey.
13:39Hey.
13:41Oh, hi, Rachel.
13:43Excellent last name.
13:45Thank you.
13:47They love the Cohens over there.
13:49They're going crazy.
13:51You're a former children's theater worker?
13:53Yes, I work for Missoula Children's Theater.
13:55The whole city's here, apparently.
13:57Where is the city?
13:59Missoula, Montana.
14:01Missoula, Montana.
14:03Are there a lot of Cohens there?
14:05I'm the only one.
14:07You're the only one. That's what I figured.
14:09Carlos Alasrocky Rachel says,
14:11make me laugh.
14:13Hi, Rachel.
14:15Nice to meet you.
14:17I was living in San Francisco
14:19the first time I went to Texas.
14:21Made the mistake of being honest on stage.
14:23Hey, everybody. I'm from San Francisco.
14:25San Francisco.
14:27Well.
14:33You must be one of them
14:37real good dancers.
14:41Texas, you must be stupid.
14:43Why does that stereotype exist?
14:45You know why Texas sounds like it was discovered
14:47by cowboys with real bad knees
14:49and lip cancer?
14:51Hey, Bubba, what do you want to call this place?
14:55Texas.
14:57Hey, look at our state.
14:59Look at our state, California.
15:01Sounds like it was discovered
15:03by a Spanish interior decorator.
15:05Okay, let's put the mountains over here.
15:07You supposed to look at me.
15:09And then over here,
15:11I put the ocean and the river.
15:13That's what they call the hot place, California.
15:15Very nice.
15:17$60.
15:19Oh, we got you on a little roll.
15:21Let's keep going.
15:23Ludovica.
15:25Make some noise.
15:33Hola, baby.
15:35Que bonita.
15:37Como tu estas.
15:39Que bonita.
15:41In English, hi.
15:43Are you married, baby?
15:45No? Good.
15:47Do you have any kids?
15:49So that means you have no kids.
15:51Let me tell you something.
15:53Before you get married, before you have kids,
15:55think about it, because once you're married,
15:57if you think your husband gets on your nerves, baby,
15:59kids are like your husband running around
16:01all over the place.
16:03And let me tell you something.
16:05If you want to marry somebody,
16:07make sure that he's really good-looking, baby,
16:09because you want to have something to look at
16:11I found my husband. He's a cowboy.
16:13He doesn't know how to dance.
16:15I tried everything, baby.
16:17The other day, I took his underwear,
16:19and I pulled it real up on his butt,
16:21and then I told him to get it out with his hand.
16:23He should have seen me.
16:25Get it out! Get it out!
16:27Two hours later, he still could dance, baby.
16:29This is all he does.
16:31It's like...
16:33That's why I married him.
16:35He can do that all night long.
16:41Ow! Ow!
16:43Ow!
16:45Ow!
16:47Ow!
16:49$120.
16:51You are now in third place.
16:53Jeff Rothband, Rachel says,
16:55make me laugh.
17:01Good to see you.
17:03Good to see you.
17:05I'm married, so too bad.
17:07I, uh...
17:09No, but a lot of guys think I'm mean to my wife,
17:11but I don't think so.
17:13I love the little whore.
17:15I just...
17:17I love her.
17:19That's a joke. I'm kidding around.
17:21Come on. Take it easy.
17:23The only thing is, she nags me.
17:25She nags me a lot. You know, I never thought
17:27that would actually happen to me.
17:29I felt so young, that would never happen,
17:31but even during this last big earthquake
17:33we had in Los Angeles, she nagged me in a disaster.
17:35Get under a table. Get under a table.
17:37How do you follow rules in a disaster?
17:39I would, honey, but I'm already under a wall unit.
17:43I'll wait here.
17:45A wall unit.
17:49I had to call the volunteer fire department.
17:51You know, when it comes to a fire,
17:53you don't want professionals.
17:55You want volunteers coming up the ladder
17:57smoking cigarettes. That's what you want.
17:59They know what they're doing. They really do.
18:01Oh, man.
18:03Oh, man. Tough, man.
18:05You're a good Cohen.
18:07$180, the perfect score.
18:09We'll see you in the next round.
18:11Stick around, because when we come back,
18:13it's time for our Comedy Tag Team.
18:15I love you.
18:17♪
18:19♪
18:21Hello, everybody.
18:23I'm Greg Proops, comedian, game show host,
18:25short order cook.
18:27This Memorial Day weekend, join me and my bad attitude
18:29for the kickoff of SPF 100,
18:31Comedy Central Summer Programming Festival.
18:33Sunday and Monday, starting at noon,
18:35only on Comedy Central.
18:37Yes! Yes, yes!
18:39Yes, it's new herbal essences facial care.
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18:43Yes, a surprisingly gentle way to get glorious skin.
18:45And yes,
18:47a totally organic experience
18:49for your face.
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18:57Our villains are cooler.
18:59Talk to the hand, because the face
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19:03Our effects are more special.
19:05We are sexy.
19:07And our hero
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19:13Austin Powers,
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19:17Yoda this.
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19:21Starts Friday, June 11th.
19:23Yeah,
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20:07Hi, I'm Margaret Cho,
20:09and you're watching Comedy Central.
20:15Welcome back to Make Me Laugh.
20:17Really good game here.
20:19Matt and Rachel tied with $180.
20:23Nicole in third place with $154.
20:25And now it's time for our comedy tag team,
20:27and that means we need somebody from our studio audience.
20:29Let's see who's out there today.
20:31How about this pretty lady
20:33with the Queen Nefertiti thing on her head?
20:35Yeah, you!
20:37Come on down.
20:41How are ya?
20:43What's your name?
20:45Kim, okay.
20:47You've got 90 seconds.
20:49Contestants, vote laugh if you think Kim will laugh
20:51or not laugh if you think Kim will not laugh.
20:53You can wager any or all the cash that you've won so far, okay?
20:55So place your bets over there.
20:57Kim, you're a lovely-looking woman.
20:59What do you do for a living?
21:01I'm a part-time teacher.
21:03A part-time teacher.
21:05That's an important job.
21:07Where do you do that here in Los Angeles?
21:09L.A. Unified.
21:11L.A. Unified.
21:13All right.
21:15All right, comedians.
21:17Kim says, make me laugh.
21:23A lot of people don't like soccer.
21:25It's boring. They never score.
21:27But when they do score, it's like they discovered fire.
21:29Goal!
21:31Goal!
21:33I am the one
21:35who has discovered fire!
21:37Fire!
21:39This is why Katherine Hepburn and Ronald Reagan
21:41never had a love scene together.
21:43Kiss me, you fool.
21:45Well, I'm trying.
21:47Don't steal.
21:53Hey.
21:55You ever been to an amusement park?
21:57Yeah, they're not very amusing. I was standing in line all day.
21:59I was getting in line with the scuzziest people,
22:01watching these two ugly people making out in front of me.
22:03I'm sick. I'm not even on the ride yet.
22:05Then she has a hickey on her forehead.
22:07They don't know what they're doing.
22:09Disgusting.
22:11These losers, man.
22:13You ever see these people on a roller coaster?
22:15I'd love to leave them on for an hour.
22:17You bastard!
22:19Faster?
22:21All right, faster.
22:23Forget it.
22:29Oh, my God, we look like twins now.
22:31I like that.
22:33You know, I wanted to get a book job,
22:35but I was afraid I was going to forget.
22:37And I was going to be turning around
22:39and looking at people in the eye and stuff, you know?
22:41And I'd be like, okay, I'm sorry.
22:43I'm not used to them. They're brand new.
22:45You like them?
22:47It's like my best friend, she got the biggest boob
22:49that comes on the store, you know?
22:51And she got into it.
22:53Nice.
22:55Thank you, Kim.
22:57All right, you didn't get a laugh that time.
22:59Nicole, you were in third place with $154
23:01and not laugh is a good bet.
23:03She said laugh for $153.
23:05That leaves her $1!
23:07Still a distinct possibility that you will win.
23:09Matt, $108.
23:11Oh, God, he said laugh.
23:13That's not good either.
23:15That drops him down to $30,
23:17but you are in second place right now.
23:19Rachel Cohen, no relation.
23:21$180 and not laugh is a good bet.
23:23She said laugh for $108.
23:25That means Matt is our winner with $30,
23:27and Matt's going to face off against our Mystery Timers
23:29when we come back right after this.
23:31♪♪
23:37Sketch, The Comic Frontier.
23:39I don't have a Chinaman's chance in this election.
23:41To boldly go where great clowns have gone before.
23:44If you miss it, you are insane.
23:46Saturday Night Live, The Next Generation.
23:49Next, only on Comedy Central.
23:52Well done, Bruce Lee, but those men were flabby and weak.
23:57Karate Kid?
23:59Kid? I'm 35.
24:01You lack focus.
24:03My master will teach you.
24:05Arnold from Happy Days.
24:07Lifted Brisk Ice Tea. Where did you get that?
24:10Editing Mistake in My Favorite.
24:14Brisk Baby.
24:20Holy Fool, Fight Man with Brisk.
24:22♪♪
24:26I believe in miracles.
24:30Where you from, you sexy thing?
24:33Sexy thing, you.
24:35Where did you come from, baby?
24:40The Crispy Juicy Chicken Sandwich at Burger King.
24:42It might not be a miracle, but at just 99 cents,
24:45you gotta admit, it is kinda sexy.
24:48When you have it your way, it just tastes better.
24:53It has arrived.
24:55The day when you stop listening to the tales of other lives lived
24:59and begin the odyssey that will be your story.
25:06When you find the destiny to which you were born,
25:09all you need to bring with you is your honor,
25:12your courage, and your commitment.
25:15It's your journey. Make it a good one.
25:18Call 1-800-USA-NAVY. Let the journey begin.
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26:08Don't miss the exciting action as Cablevision's Long Island Sports Network
26:12brings you high-quality local sports.
26:14Catch all the action on the Metro Learning Channel.
26:17LISM is being brought to you in part by Adelphi University.
26:23Day-woo.
26:24Day-woo.
26:25Day-woo.
26:27Day-woo.
26:29Day-woo.
26:31Day-woo.
26:32Day-woo.
26:33Day-woo.
26:35Day-woo.
26:36Day-woo.
26:40Day-woo.
26:41Day-woo.
26:43Day-woo.
26:45Day-woo.
26:46Day-woo.
26:47Day-day.
26:55Welcome back.
26:56We're back here with Matt, who has already won $30.
26:59A big, whopping $30.
27:01We're going to give you the chance to make a little more money now.
27:03This time, for every second you don't laugh, we're going to give you $5,
27:05and we're going to be facing a mystery comic for a maximum of 100 seconds.
27:09If you can withstand all 100 seconds of hilarity,
27:11you will win an extra $500, okay?
27:14for Lou. Lou's our mystery connoisseur. Mark, it's the master of the balaproft,
27:19Don Crosby!
27:34Okay, nice to meet you.
27:39Listen, we're not going to try to make you laugh because that's obscene.
27:42What we're going to do is just sit there, consecrate, and think. Think. I mean it.
27:48You just just medicate because nobody thinks anymore. You've got to learn to think. We're
27:53becoming robots. You've got to go outside and look up at the sky. Look for me. Ethereal
27:57into venereal space and just think. Where do the clouds go when they drift away? Think about that.
28:04Why do nudists always play volleyball? Do you ever notice when a chicken loses weight that
28:11you could never see it in the face? I think about those things. I wondered why
28:17why faucets drip until I realized it's because they can't go like that.
28:24I wondered, we don't have time for reaction. I wondered why the Siamese
28:31twins moved to London until I realized probably the other one wanted to drive for a while.
28:35I mean, if you think, then you don't say stupid things that you wouldn't say. You would never,
28:39what would you say to a one-legged hitchhiker? Hop in? You wouldn't say that.
28:45What would you say to somebody, what would you say to somebody who's going to the electric chair?
28:49More power to you? You wouldn't say that. And you would never, you would never, never say to an older
28:55man, no hard feelings. You wouldn't say that. I got it. I got it. I got it.
29:05I was, I was in my doctor's office one day. A guy came in, he said, doctor, it hurts me.
29:12I wish it never ended. Great job, man. Thanks a lot. You had 30 hours, you lasted 100 seconds.
29:17That brings you up to $530. We don't have much time, so for Carlos, Ludo, Jeff, and Norm,
29:23that's it today. That's it. Was it good for you? It was good for me. Come back in 24 hours and we'll
29:28do it again. Excellent job. Much the consideration provided by Vivitar's innovative 450 pz camera
29:35built-in 38 70 millimeter power zoom lens and sophisticated electronic flash. Beautiful
29:38pictures from scenics to portraits from Vivitar.