Evicted from his apartment, James has to move in with his girlfriend of 3 months. He quickly discovers that she's everything he never wanted in a woman
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00:00:50You know, if one of my two best friends since middle school
00:00:52would let me stay with them, then I wouldn't have to do this.
00:00:55Um, on behalf of Carbo and I, I'd like to apologize
00:00:58for getting you evicted.
00:01:00That was really...
00:01:01Wait, no.
00:01:02No, that was you.
00:01:04You did that all by yourself.
00:01:06Mm-hmm.
00:01:07She stands alone on that one.
00:01:09No, I'm serious.
00:01:10Moving in with my girlfriend is not a desirable thing
00:01:12in my life right now.
00:01:13I don't want to do it.
00:01:14You got to help me.
00:01:15I don't want to do it.
00:01:16Well, don't look at me.
00:01:17You know, I live in the studio, and come on, man.
00:01:19Sleepover's not being cool in seventh grade.
00:01:21Mm-hmm, and I have a boyfriend now,
00:01:23so I need my privacy.
00:01:26Whatever.
00:01:27How old is he, like 60?
00:01:28He's 80.
00:01:29No, you know what?
00:01:30He's 45, and he just had a birthday, too,
00:01:33so he's pretty much still...
00:01:35He's 44 going into...
00:01:37Whatever.
00:01:3844, 60.
00:01:39You say tomato, I say 60.
00:01:41He's probably legally blind.
00:01:42He wouldn't even notice me being there.
00:01:43Oh, look at me.
00:01:44That's cute.
00:01:45That's really funny.
00:01:46Where is it?
00:01:47I can't find it.
00:01:48That's really cute.
00:01:49Oh, my God.
00:01:50You guys, let's go.
00:01:51This is ridiculous.
00:01:52I can't put it in.
00:01:53Let's go.
00:01:57I got evicted because I spent all my money
00:01:59trying to impress my new girlfriend,
00:02:01and I bought this sweet-ass TV.
00:02:02Not my fault.
00:02:03Oh, it's not your fault, so it's okay.
00:02:05Well, if it's not your fault,
00:02:07uh, whose fault would it be?
00:02:09Rappers.
00:02:10They make it hard for us regular guys.
00:02:12Whatever.
00:02:13You're the dumbass who spent all your money
00:02:15on someone you met three months ago.
00:02:17What part of take it slow didn't make sense?
00:02:20Nothing you say makes sense.
00:02:21Besides, I refuse to take advice
00:02:23from somebody that's dating Mr. Rogers.
00:02:25You're dating Mr. Rogers?
00:02:26Okay, does he switch from his blazer
00:02:28to a sweater when you guys start to do it?
00:02:30Yeah, he also has a milk carton village
00:02:32in his living room.
00:02:34We play with it. It's really hot.
00:02:35Fine.
00:02:36If Mr. Rogers doesn't want to be my neighbor,
00:02:38I'll just do my time here at Shawshank Redemption 2
00:02:41and get my own place again.
00:02:42Dude, you really think you're gonna get
00:02:44your own place again, man?
00:02:45They don't call that the old ball and chain for nothing.
00:02:47What are you talking about?
00:02:48I'm talking about what she's gonna do to you in there, man.
00:02:50What am I gonna do to him?
00:02:53Kim!
00:02:54Disappear.
00:02:55Out of thin air.
00:02:56Was, uh, Professor X mad when you left the X-Men?
00:02:59Yes, he was.
00:03:00Now, what am I gonna do to him?
00:03:02For starters, he'll probably cut his penis off
00:03:04and use it as a really small shake weight, you know?
00:03:06Mm-hmm.
00:03:08Take that.
00:03:14Big boys, neighborhood.
00:03:15It is going down, man.
00:03:16Relationships, do they work?
00:03:18Mm-mm.
00:03:19Is it better to be single?
00:03:21If you're miserable, yes.
00:03:22Right, right.
00:03:23My bedroom already has a TV.
00:03:24You get a lot of people that say,
00:03:25hey, you know, I'm in a relationship,
00:03:26what should I do, what's going on?
00:03:28It's a pink TV.
00:03:29Yeah, and it matches everything else in the room.
00:03:31I can't help you.
00:03:32Who's in the neighborhood?
00:03:33Hey, what's going on, guys?
00:03:34What's happening, who this?
00:03:35Uh, this is Rick.
00:03:36Rick, what's going on, Rick?
00:03:37How you doing, Rick?
00:03:38Oh, my God, you guys.
00:03:40Check out all the pink and shit.
00:03:44Pink is my favorite color.
00:03:45Color of vaginas.
00:03:47Actually smells like vagina in here.
00:03:49Yeah.
00:03:50Thank you.
00:03:51Let's go.
00:03:52Thanks for helping me, man.
00:03:53I support it, but I like the way I like to dress, right?
00:03:56I go out, you know, I'm wearing a shirt,
00:03:59you know, you dress like an 18-year-old.
00:04:02Thanks.
00:04:03Oh, good luck with your wife.
00:04:05She's not my wife.
00:04:06A year ago, she wasn't trying to dress you.
00:04:08No, dude, she wasn't trying to dress me or nothing.
00:04:10Yeah, she was just like, oh, that's so cool.
00:04:12You're so cool.
00:04:13Everything was compliments in the beginning.
00:04:14Right.
00:04:15Have you changed?
00:04:16Rick, have you changed in a year?
00:04:18I don't think I've changed.
00:04:19So do you think that, like, right now,
00:04:21a year later...
00:04:23What?
00:04:25I think I'm packing.
00:04:29Unpacking?
00:04:30Mm-hmm.
00:04:31Yeah.
00:04:33Jesus!
00:04:34Sorry, I couldn't hold it in any longer.
00:04:36Why didn't you spit in your own head?
00:04:46You know what?
00:04:47I feel more comfortable with you already.
00:04:49This is gonna be fun, right?
00:04:51Mm-hmm.
00:04:52All right.
00:04:53I'm going to bed.
00:04:54Thanks.
00:04:58Um, can I get a better kiss than that?
00:05:09Okay, that's enough.
00:05:11We have to get up early tomorrow.
00:05:14What? Why?
00:05:15We do chores on Sundays.
00:05:17I thought we sleep late and watch football on Sundays.
00:05:20We do not.
00:05:22Sundays for chores.
00:05:23You don't sleep late and watch football.
00:05:25Ever.
00:05:27Ever.
00:05:29Can you turn the TV off?
00:05:30Can I leave it on?
00:05:31I like to sleep with the TV on.
00:05:33Just turn it off, okay?
00:05:35I'll turn it down real low.
00:05:36Turn the bathroom light if you're done.
00:05:38Thanks.
00:05:40Um, can we compromise?
00:05:47Fine.
00:05:52You are now anointed as a single man.
00:06:23Big Boy's Neighborhood.
00:06:24Big Boy.
00:06:25It is going down, man.
00:06:26Relationships, man.
00:06:27Do they work?
00:06:28Are you better off being single?
00:06:29We've been talking about it, man,
00:06:30and we got someone that felt like it was so necessary
00:06:34to just come up into the neighborhood
00:06:36and be helped with this problem, man.
00:06:38Now, your name is?
00:06:39James.
00:06:40How you doing, James, man?
00:06:42What's so bad about your relationship, James?
00:06:45Well, she is, you know,
00:06:47she's a womanizer.
00:06:49She's a womanizer.
00:06:50What's so bad about your relationship, James?
00:06:52Well, she is the antichrist.
00:06:54Wow.
00:06:55Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:06:56Yeah, man, you want to be careful
00:06:57about dating the antichrist, man.
00:06:58We heard about that.
00:06:59Yeah, I'm working.
00:07:00All righty, now.
00:07:01So this is what we're going to do.
00:07:02You're done.
00:07:03So if we call her up, is it okay to call her up?
00:07:06Please.
00:07:07So do you want me to handle it?
00:07:08Because I can handle the breakup for you.
00:07:09Do y'all live together now?
00:07:10That's the issue.
00:07:12Okay.
00:07:13I don't have anywhere else to go
00:07:14unless I can stay with you.
00:07:15No, no, you're not going to stay with me,
00:07:16but I'm going to do the breakup for you.
00:07:18We're going to ask you to leave.
00:07:19I still want to live with her, though.
00:07:20What?
00:07:21What's that?
00:07:22Come on now, James, man.
00:07:23How are you breaking up with somebody?
00:07:24I always thought when people just walked in here,
00:07:25we could do a blood test.
00:07:26Are you trying to do, like,
00:07:27the friends with benefits thing, or?
00:07:29New benefits.
00:07:30I just want to sleep on her couch.
00:07:31So you want to break up with her,
00:07:32but you still want to sleep on her couch?
00:07:34Yes.
00:07:35All right, do you want me to tell her that?
00:07:36Yes.
00:07:37Okay, all right, now.
00:07:38You don't want to be homeless, bottom line.
00:07:39All right, well, do me a favor, brother.
00:07:41Do me a favor.
00:07:42James.
00:07:43If you write down the name, her name is-
00:07:44Why are you on the couch?
00:07:47James.
00:07:49Why are you on the couch?
00:07:55Because it's softer than the floor.
00:08:02Must have fell asleep with the TV on.
00:08:17What?
00:08:19Was I snoring?
00:08:23Can you, uh, put this TV in the closet
00:08:26and take out the trash, please?
00:08:28Pew, pew.
00:08:29Mm-mm.
00:08:47It's chore day!
00:09:02Is it better to be single?
00:09:16It's chore day!
00:09:25It's not full yet.
00:09:26Yeah, well, there's still trash in it.
00:09:28That still needs to be emptied.
00:09:30It's empty.
00:09:31It just has one banana peel and some tissue.
00:09:34Ah, that's gross.
00:09:36That is gross?
00:09:37You spit in my hand last night.
00:09:39That wasn't gross to you?
00:09:41That was fine, but this is gross.
00:09:43Can you just take out the trash?
00:09:45And that box needs to go as well.
00:09:48Please?
00:10:02Oh my God, what is that?
00:10:04Is it alive?
00:10:05No, silly.
00:10:06It died when I shaved it off my body.
00:10:09Oh, that's disgusting.
00:10:11What? I haven't shaved in a while.
00:10:13I don't know what's the big deal.
00:10:15I just thought that since we live together,
00:10:18that we'd eventually, you know...
00:10:23Have sex?
00:10:24Well, yeah.
00:10:25Coming!
00:10:36It smells so good in here.
00:10:39Okay.
00:10:40All right, we'll come in the bathroom when you're done, okay?
00:10:42Okay.
00:11:12Thanks.
00:11:30It's Sunday!
00:11:31Sunday chore day!
00:11:34Oh, you guys didn't know?
00:11:36Yeah, I didn't know either until last night.
00:11:38Just found out.
00:11:39I was kind of planning on watching the game with my friends today, but no.
00:11:42I'm here.
00:11:43James!
00:11:44I'm peeing banana peels out of fricking trash cans.
00:11:46James, stop!
00:11:48What? No, it's chore day.
00:11:49It's chore day.
00:11:50It's okay, Toni.
00:11:51Yeah, I know it's sad, but don't cry.
00:11:52That's stupid, okay?
00:11:53What we can do is you can stop crying like a little bitch
00:11:56and go to the store and get me some opium oil,
00:11:58and then we can all clean together.
00:11:59How about that?
00:12:01What?
00:12:02James, Tani's grandmother just died.
00:12:04Shawna and I are trying to console her.
00:12:09Okay.
00:12:22You're going slow, man.
00:12:24Just going slow.
00:12:25What do you got there, pal?
00:12:27Come on, come on.
00:12:29Reds.
00:12:30Reds.
00:12:31What are you doing?
00:12:32What are you doing?
00:12:39What are you doing?
00:13:00She doesn't say bless you when I sneeze,
00:13:02doesn't let me watch TV in bed,
00:13:04and she makes me do chores.
00:13:06She's like an unpleasant, non-singing Mary Poppins.
00:13:10I told you this was going to happen.
00:13:12And she snores like a velociraptor.
00:13:14And the first night that we spend together,
00:13:16I got to sleep on the couch because of it.
00:13:18Wait.
00:13:19You've never spent the night together before?
00:13:21Nope.
00:13:23You know, I used to think that she was just being old-fashioned.
00:13:26Now I think that she was just trying to
00:13:29M. Night Shyamalan me.
00:13:30The sucky twist at the end.
00:13:32Come over here and help me move that.
00:13:34We don't need no panel.
00:13:35You know, how much are these?
00:13:36Thirty dollars.
00:13:37What are you going to do with mine?
00:13:38Thirty dollars.
00:13:39That's too much.
00:13:40That's way too much.
00:13:41You came here for something else.
00:13:42What about this?
00:13:43There.
00:13:44Maybe I just need time to work the kinks out.
00:13:47It's too bad you don't have an apartment to go back to.
00:13:50It's too bad people don't like you because your face is ugly.
00:13:52You're married to Miss Piggy, and I'm awesome.
00:13:56Exactly.
00:13:57So we're not broke.
00:13:58No, we are.
00:13:59All right.
00:14:00She doesn't know it.
00:14:01She's living this life that she doesn't have right now.
00:14:02No, we're not broke.
00:14:03You know, well, this one's $300.
00:14:04Wow.
00:14:05That's $300?
00:14:06But guess what?
00:14:07I'm going to go.
00:14:08Uh-huh.
00:14:09This guy right here, he's the ring expert.
00:14:10Mr. Tall Guy, we need your help, man.
00:14:12I'm going to assume this was your first day.
00:14:13Yeah.
00:14:14You want to come?
00:14:15Tall Guy.
00:14:16You saved my day.
00:14:17All right.
00:14:18All right.
00:14:19Cool.
00:14:20Thank you, man.
00:14:21Great.
00:14:22Doesn't look like he knows much either.
00:14:23This guy's great.
00:14:24So how much is this one?
00:14:25Which one?
00:14:26This one right here.
00:14:27Oh, no.
00:14:28I don't like that one.
00:14:29How much?
00:14:30It's ugly.
00:14:33It's $300.
00:14:34You are so cheap.
00:14:35Wait till I tell my mother that you bought my engagement ring in a stuff shop.
00:14:39OK.
00:14:40Hold on.
00:14:41So you two lovebirds getting married?
00:14:43Oh, yeah.
00:14:44We just had a baby.
00:14:45You are the father?
00:14:47Mm-hmm.
00:14:48Oh, we're going to be a family now.
00:14:49Congratulations.
00:14:50Maury can kiss my ass.
00:14:52You shouldn't talk about Maury like that because he's a great guy.
00:14:55Wow.
00:14:56He's so great.
00:14:57Why don't you have him be the father of your child?
00:14:59Yeah.
00:15:00Mm-hmm.
00:15:01Yeah, yeah.
00:15:02Of course you would say that.
00:15:03You would.
00:15:04He's taken.
00:15:05OK?
00:15:06But if I could have chose to have him make love to me in the bathroom,
00:15:08stall of Chuck E. Cheese instead of you, I would have.
00:15:10Wow.
00:15:11Whatever.
00:15:12Yeah, whatever.
00:15:13We'll take this one.
00:15:14It's ugly.
00:15:15Well, it matches your face, honey.
00:15:17James and Kim are so perfect strangers.
00:15:21Mm, no.
00:15:23More like Laverne and Shirley.
00:15:25More like Mork and Mindy.
00:15:26James, you're so Mindy, by the way.
00:15:28No.
00:15:29We haven't had sex.
00:15:30What?
00:15:31What?
00:15:32What?
00:15:33Dude, so you're living with a girl.
00:15:34That's your girlfriend.
00:15:35And you don't have sex with her?
00:15:37No.
00:15:38No.
00:15:39No.
00:15:40No.
00:15:41No.
00:15:42No.
00:15:43No.
00:15:44No.
00:15:45So you're living with a girlfriend.
00:15:46And you're not having sex with her?
00:15:47No.
00:15:48She says that she's still feeling me out.
00:15:52I don't get it.
00:15:53What does that mean?
00:15:54Yeah, I don't get it either.
00:15:55Like, I'm a girl, and I don't get that.
00:15:57Whatevs, man.
00:15:58You know, you're trying something different.
00:15:59Cool.
00:16:00I thought you were going to make fun of me.
00:16:03I'm not going to do that to your face.
00:16:05Yeah, well, at least I got a roof over my head,
00:16:08because nobody else would take me in.
00:16:10Dude, if you're going to live with her,
00:16:12you've got to get the sex thing out of the way.
00:16:14Trust me, sexual tension in your living situation
00:16:17is not going to make it any more comfortable.
00:16:20But she's not ready, okay?
00:16:24How do I make her ready?
00:16:26Nurture her.
00:16:28What the hell is that?
00:16:29Sex move?
00:16:30No.
00:16:32But it can lead to it.
00:16:35Really?
00:16:38Mm-hmm.
00:16:40Okay, um...
00:16:44Nurture how?
00:16:52Hey.
00:16:53Hey.
00:16:54What up?
00:16:55Did you forget your key?
00:16:57No.
00:16:58Uh, well, yeah, maybe.
00:16:59Yep, I forgot my key.
00:17:01That's what I did.
00:17:02Aw, are those for me?
00:17:04Those?
00:17:05No, no.
00:17:06They are for the best girlfriend in the world.
00:17:10Oh, wait.
00:17:12That is you.
00:17:17Thank you.
00:17:18Aw, they're beautiful.
00:17:22Well, guess what the best girlfriend in the world
00:17:24did for you today?
00:17:25She put my TV in the bedroom.
00:17:27No.
00:17:28It's so much better than that.
00:17:29Come on, let me show you.
00:17:30What could be better than that?
00:17:31Close your eyes.
00:17:36Okay, open them.
00:17:39Ta-da!
00:17:40Nice takeout.
00:17:41And you put it on the good plates.
00:17:43No, I cooked it.
00:17:46Nuh-uh.
00:17:47Yeah.
00:17:48I just wanted to make up for the rocky start we had, you know?
00:17:51Just make everything perfect.
00:17:53Sorry, Kermie.
00:17:56Yeah, I'm sorry, too.
00:18:01I don't think it's our fault, though, you know?
00:18:04It's just...
00:18:06It's a crazy situation.
00:18:08Maybe we need to put on some slow music one night
00:18:11and nurture each other a bunch of times.
00:18:15Then we'll be fine.
00:18:19Thanks for cooking me dinner.
00:18:20And thank you for the eight, nine, ten roses.
00:18:28There's only ten roses here?
00:18:30You're welcome.
00:18:31So I'm not worth a full dozen?
00:18:34Well, no.
00:18:35Nope.
00:18:36I did the math, and you only added up to about ten.
00:18:44Sorry.
00:18:47I'm joking.
00:18:49Seriously?
00:18:52Okay, wow.
00:18:53If it means that much to you, I will get two more tomorrow.
00:18:57Then you'll have a dozen.
00:18:58Fine.
00:19:00Okay.
00:19:19You are worse than a rapist!
00:19:26piano plays in bright rhythm
00:19:34bass & drums play in syncopated rhythm
00:19:45bass & drums play in syncopated rhythm
00:19:55bass & drums play in syncopated rhythm
00:20:05bass & drums play in syncopated rhythm
00:20:14Real quick, man.
00:20:15How much for the mannequin head?
00:20:16The bald one.
00:20:17Uh, three dollars.
00:20:20Are you selling, like, faulty mannequin heads?
00:20:22I've never seen one that cheap.
00:20:23How can it be faulty?
00:20:25It's a mannequin.
00:20:26I'm just trying to buy a mannequin head.
00:20:28That's all.
00:20:29I don't need an attitude behind it.
00:20:31I saw him from outside.
00:20:32I'm into it.
00:20:33I have a thing about the mannequin.
00:20:35That's my business.
00:20:36Okay.
00:20:37I'm trying to give you money.
00:20:38You can have it for five.
00:20:40What is your problem?
00:20:41What is your problem?
00:20:42What's the attitude about, man?
00:20:43No attitude.
00:20:44I'm sensing attitude.
00:20:47Uh...
00:20:50Sorry, man.
00:20:51I got some things going on.
00:20:52Geez.
00:20:53What things?
00:20:54You need to get yourself off your chest?
00:20:55You want to talk about it before you make a sale?
00:20:57I got some girl problems.
00:20:59What kind of girl problems?
00:21:01What are your problems?
00:21:02Really?
00:21:03I don't think I should go into it.
00:21:04I don't think I needed to explain
00:21:05why I wanted the mannequin head,
00:21:06but I had to.
00:21:07Okay.
00:21:08All right.
00:21:09Got this girl.
00:21:10Break up with her.
00:21:11She's crazy.
00:21:12I'll tell you what you do.
00:21:13Next time she eats bacon,
00:21:15shit on her piece.
00:21:17Shit?
00:21:18Shit on her piece of bacon.
00:21:19You know what that's going to do?
00:21:20What?
00:21:21It's going to show her a different side
00:21:22that you should never see on that side.
00:21:23Okay?
00:21:24Then she's going to say,
00:21:25why you shit on my bacon?
00:21:26When you say, why you shit on my bacon,
00:21:27say, because I wanted to.
00:21:28I'm a man.
00:21:29I'll do what the hell I want in this household.
00:21:31No, you won't.
00:21:32You won't shit on my bacon.
00:21:33Problem, I'm done.
00:21:34I'm not going to deal with a woman
00:21:35that goes back and forth with me.
00:21:36Leave.
00:21:37You're out.
00:21:38You see what I'm saying?
00:21:39Shit on the bacon.
00:21:40Shit on the bacon, homie.
00:21:41I know what I'm talking about.
00:21:42I've been with women for years.
00:21:43Okay, and if that doesn't work,
00:21:45what should I do?
00:21:47There's no reason why it shouldn't work.
00:21:48How many times have you shit on somebody's bacon?
00:21:50None times.
00:21:52Exactly.
00:21:53So how do you know if it doesn't work?
00:21:54I don't.
00:21:55Exactly.
00:21:56Shit on the bacon, man.
00:21:57That's your problem.
00:21:58You ask too many questions, son.
00:21:59What if I can't produce the shit?
00:22:00Then wait until you got the shit
00:22:01and then cook the bacon.
00:22:02Okay.
00:22:03All right?
00:22:04All right.
00:22:05I see why she's crazy.
00:22:07Why?
00:22:09Can I get the mannequin here, man?
00:22:11That's it, dude.
00:22:12I done took time out of my life
00:22:13to drop some science on you.
00:22:15I don't have time.
00:22:16Here you go.
00:22:17Here you go.
00:22:18Let's see why you don't get good business in here.
00:22:20Excuse me?
00:22:21Let's see why you don't get good business.
00:22:26Hey, you.
00:22:27You're gonna go good with the rest of them.
00:22:30Trust you.
00:22:31I don't even call you asshole.
00:22:33How much do I owe you?
00:22:35Just take it.
00:22:36You sure?
00:22:37Yeah.
00:22:38Thank you.
00:22:40Say bye.
00:22:41Her name's Charlene.
00:22:43Not anymore.
00:22:46Thanks.
00:22:54Sometimes
00:22:55When the world's bringing you down
00:22:58Down to your very core
00:23:00Maybe you'll think
00:23:01Well, maybe
00:23:03Just maybe
00:23:05Maybe my heart won't make a disk
00:23:09Maybe my heart won't see it through
00:23:12I wasn't meant to run a marathon
00:23:16Thirty seconds, but I'm through
00:23:21And I wonder if
00:23:24I should up and quit
00:23:28I'm rollin', rollin', rollin'
00:23:32My heart around the bend
00:23:36Rollin', rollin', rollin'
00:23:39Life's kickin' me down again
00:23:46Kermie!
00:23:48Wake up!
00:23:50Breakfast in bed!
00:24:09Why are you dancing?
00:24:11My daddy's coming over for dinner tonight
00:24:14I thought he was in Spain
00:24:16Barcelona
00:24:17But he just got back last night
00:24:18And he's coming over today
00:24:20So you, mister, need to eat your breakfast
00:24:23Because you have a big day ahead of you
00:24:26I like your beard
00:24:27I like it, I like it, I like it
00:24:39What is this?
00:24:40Bacon
00:24:41Bacon?
00:24:42It's fake bacon
00:24:43Shit on the bacon, homie
00:24:44My dad's a vegetarian, so
00:24:46I like real bacon, though
00:24:47Well, you don't need real bacon anymore
00:24:49Because there's fake bacon
00:24:51Oh, and those are some
00:24:52I can't believe it's not sausage
00:24:53Sausage
00:24:55But I like to call it sausage
00:24:57Try some, come on
00:24:59Try it
00:25:00Try it
00:25:06Pulp?
00:25:08I hate pulp
00:25:10I thought you liked pulp
00:25:12I don't
00:25:20Good
00:25:29It's chewy
00:25:31Good, right?
00:25:32No
00:25:38Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug
00:25:41Yay
00:25:47I was sleeping in the pink room last night
00:25:50Pinky and the braid
00:25:51Shut up
00:25:53What's wrong with you?
00:25:54Not in the mood
00:25:57Whatever
00:26:08I'll give you a hundred for it
00:26:10Eighty-two in cash
00:26:11And the rest in quarters
00:26:13Get out of here, Scoop
00:26:15Come on, dude
00:26:16You don't even like baseball anymore
00:26:18Doesn't matter
00:26:20It's my card
00:26:21I can do what I want
00:26:22Then why even keep it in the case
00:26:23If you're not gonna sell it?
00:26:24Oh, I'm not gonna sell it to you
00:26:26Doesn't mean I'm not gonna sell it to somebody else
00:26:28You're just mad
00:26:29Because the Orioles are the worst team in baseball
00:26:31You're the worst team in baseball
00:26:33You're ugly
00:26:34You're a virgin
00:26:35Way worse than being ugly
00:26:36Completely irrelevant
00:26:38I sucked a boob
00:26:39A boob?
00:26:40Yeah, probably
00:26:41You were also eating baby food at the time, right?
00:26:43No, I suck boobs all the time
00:26:45I'm a suck machine
00:26:47Shouldn't you be off somewhere doing homework?
00:26:50In your suit
00:26:51Why are you wearing a suit?
00:26:52I had a presentation at school today
00:26:54Did you present how much of a suck machine you are to the class?
00:26:58God, you're such a douche
00:26:59Emphasis on the duh
00:27:01You're a suck machine
00:27:02Emphasis on the balls that you suck
00:27:05Boobs, balls
00:27:07I'm coming back
00:27:15I want to pawn this engagement ring, please
00:27:20That's a big rock
00:27:22How much do you want for it?
00:27:24It doesn't even matter
00:27:26I can't stand looking at it anymore
00:27:27I want to get rid of it
00:27:28Well, this isn't a pawn shop, but
00:27:31I'll give you a dollar for it
00:27:33What?
00:27:34This jerk
00:27:35It's fake, isn't it?
00:27:36Is this fake?
00:27:37He means one dollar for every tear he made you cry
00:27:40And that still wouldn't be enough
00:27:43That's sweet
00:27:45I know your pain
00:27:46You don't even have to tell me what happened
00:27:48Because I know
00:27:49And somehow I feel sorry
00:27:52You know, what kind of world do we live in where
00:27:54A beautiful creature like yourself
00:27:57Gets her heart broken?
00:27:58Let me guess, by what?
00:28:00Professional athlete?
00:28:01Am I right?
00:28:03Football
00:28:04I knew it
00:28:05It's amazing
00:28:06Don't ask me how I know
00:28:07I just know these things
00:28:09You know, you must be psychic
00:28:11Or like, you must have some kind of connection
00:28:14You feel it too?
00:28:19You know, I don't know what I'm gonna do
00:28:22I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this
00:28:24Don't cry
00:28:25No, I feel so betrayed
00:28:27And you should
00:28:28You know, but I would never do that to you
00:28:30You know why?
00:28:31Because it's not because I don't have the options
00:28:33You know, to lead to those problems
00:28:35It's because I don't have the money
00:28:37That those options have
00:28:39That is so sweet
00:28:41I'm gonna take you out
00:28:43And we're not gonna care about whatever that
00:28:45Basketball player did to you
00:28:47Football
00:28:48Football, basketball
00:28:49Whatever that barely passing the SAT chump did
00:28:52We're not even gonna think about it
00:28:53Okay, because I don't play games
00:28:54Unless it's Connect Four
00:28:56And I will never play Connect Four with your heart
00:29:00You know
00:29:02Maybe that is exactly what I need
00:29:05A fat old poor man
00:29:07With a really good heart
00:29:11Yeah, maybe
00:29:13You know, this is turning out to be a real serendipitous day
00:29:17I mean, wow, like my leg is changing
00:29:20You know, I'm gonna change
00:29:22Because you've inspired me
00:29:25Can I inspire you for your name?
00:29:28My name is Sandy
00:29:29Hello, Sandy
00:29:31I'm Carvel
00:29:33And that's James
00:29:35I'm gonna take this ring from you, okay?
00:29:39Okay
00:29:40You know, because
00:29:42Love is more important than a ring anyway
00:29:45It is
00:29:46Can I just pay you for your phone number?
00:29:49I'm gonna go out if I don't have your number
00:29:52You see, Sandy
00:29:54That's my area code
00:29:56We're gonna have so much fun
00:29:59Yeah
00:30:00You know what I'm gonna do?
00:30:02Give you a receipt
00:30:03Hold on, let me get this trigger right there
00:30:06Receipt
00:30:09Let me take this, guess what that is
00:30:12It's my heart
00:30:14Oh, be gentle, be gentle
00:30:16That is
00:30:18You know, you are the most adorable grown man I have ever, ever met
00:30:25You're like a little boy
00:30:27A big old body
00:30:29I'm trapped
00:30:30I'm trapped, get me out
00:30:33Sandy, help me
00:30:35Get out, get out
00:30:37Bye, Sandy
00:30:38Bye
00:30:39Bye
00:30:40Don't forget your pocketbook
00:30:42Bye
00:30:43Bye
00:30:44Bye
00:30:45I'm trapped, I can't get out
00:30:50Nurture, boom, that's how you do it
00:30:51Bam, you close, you get in, pow
00:30:58Pow
00:30:59Pow
00:31:00Pow
00:31:01Pow
00:31:02Pow
00:31:03Pow
00:31:04Pow
00:31:05Pow
00:31:06Pow
00:31:07Pow
00:31:08Pow
00:31:09Pow
00:31:10Pow
00:31:11Pow
00:31:12Pow
00:31:13Pow
00:31:14Pow
00:31:15Pow
00:31:16Pow
00:31:17Pow
00:31:18Pow
00:31:19Pow
00:31:20Pow
00:31:21Pow
00:31:22Pow
00:31:23Pow
00:31:24Pow
00:31:25Pow
00:31:26Pow
00:31:27Pow
00:31:28Pow
00:31:29Pow
00:31:30Pow
00:31:31Pow
00:31:32Pow
00:31:33Pow
00:31:34Pow
00:31:35Pow
00:31:36Pow
00:31:46Hey, James, could you close up for me tonight, I gotta go to the mall before it closes
00:31:51I'm going to go to a dinner club with Jeff tonight, and if I run late, he calls the police
00:31:56station and reports me missing.
00:31:57Wow.
00:31:58Thanks.
00:31:59What are you going to do tonight?
00:32:01I am having dinner with Kim and her father, who I never met before.
00:32:07Wow.
00:32:08Mm-mm.
00:32:09Not excited about it.
00:32:10Well, look on the bright side.
00:32:12I mean, if Father of the Bride approves, you know, you're in there, man, you're part of
00:32:17the fam.
00:32:19I don't want to be part of any family.
00:32:22All right, well, good luck.
00:32:24Bad luck.
00:32:28Hey, loser!
00:32:33Still no on the card, Scoop.
00:32:35Trade!
00:32:36No.
00:32:37No trades.
00:32:38Come on, you bad catcher.
00:32:39I'll give you twice what the card's worth.
00:32:41Twice ain't enough, okay?
00:32:43Get out of here.
00:32:44You're making the biggest mistake of your life, or week.
00:32:48Biggest mistake of your week.
00:32:50Okay.
00:32:51You really want that card?
00:32:53Are boobs made for sucking?
00:32:56Fine.
00:33:00Give me your soul.
00:33:01My what?
00:33:02Your soul.
00:33:03My...
00:33:04My soul?
00:33:05Yep.
00:33:07I don't...
00:33:08I don't understand.
00:33:09Why...
00:33:10What do you need my soul for?
00:33:11Come here.
00:33:12It's really...
00:33:13I don't...
00:33:14I don't know why you would want my soul.
00:33:17I don't understand what's going on.
00:33:19Give me your soul.
00:33:21And I'll give you this card.
00:33:25All or half?
00:33:26All.
00:33:27Who the hell wants a half soul?
00:33:31Okay.
00:33:33All right, deal.
00:33:35Wow.
00:33:36Really?
00:33:37That easy?
00:33:38Yeah.
00:33:39That card's worth a soul.
00:33:41And besides, rappers do it all the time.
00:33:43Yeah, but rappers sell their soul for money and bitches,
00:33:46not baseball cards.
00:33:49What are you saying?
00:33:50I'm saying go home right now,
00:33:51and I won't tell your mom you tried to sell your soul for a baseball card.
00:33:55But I just...
00:33:56You...
00:33:57I just...
00:33:58Fine.
00:33:59Go.
00:34:01What?
00:34:02What?
00:34:03Yeah.
00:34:04Thought so.
00:34:05Yeah.
00:34:06Go!
00:34:13Come on.
00:34:34Mr. James.
00:34:39Please don't call me that.
00:34:40I had a teacher named Mr. James.
00:34:42I just didn't like him very much.
00:34:45You can call me James.
00:34:47You got something against teachers?
00:34:49No, no.
00:34:50I like teachers.
00:34:52It's there for the kids, and I love kids.
00:34:56Not in a sexual way, though.
00:34:58You know, like, platonic love.
00:35:06Are you having sex with my daughter?
00:35:09You guys ready for some sausage?
00:35:11Mmm.
00:35:20So, Mr. Sweet, what were you doing in Barcelona?
00:35:24I saw this movie called Vicky and Cristina Barcelona.
00:35:28Oh, yeah, I saw that movie.
00:35:29It's about a gentleman who has a threesome with two beautiful women.
00:35:33I thought I could get lucky.
00:35:35Uno, dos, tres.
00:35:38Tres.
00:35:39Correctamundo.
00:35:41Well, did you get lucky?
00:35:44No.
00:35:45Unless you consider a foursome lucky.
00:35:50You're kidding, right?
00:35:54He's kidding.
00:35:58So is that why they call you Mr. Sweet?
00:36:00I thought your last name was Johnson.
00:36:02It is.
00:36:03But let's just say long of the short.
00:36:06I killed a man with a candy cane.
00:36:13Why don't you just kill him with kindness?
00:36:16Less blood that way.
00:36:18You know, you being a vegetarian and all.
00:36:22I don't mind blood.
00:36:24Yeah, I don't mind blood either.
00:36:25The more blood, the better, I say.
00:36:27You say that?
00:36:29I said it just now.
00:36:32Might say it again one day.
00:36:35You ever killed a woman, James?
00:36:39Cheers.
00:37:05You look so vulnerable when you're asleep.
00:37:08Vulnerable as in what?
00:37:10Easy to kill?
00:37:12No, easy to love.
00:37:15I feel like I have your heart right here in my hand.
00:37:18Like I just ripped it out of your chest.
00:37:20And it's right here, just beating.
00:37:23Boom, boom.
00:37:25Boom, boom.
00:37:27Boom, boom.
00:37:29Boom, boom.
00:37:31Boom, boom.
00:37:33Boom, boom.
00:37:35Boom, boom.
00:37:37It's not love. It's the temple of doom.
00:37:40Okay, so it's our love temple.
00:37:44And we'd be doomed without each other.
00:37:46I'm not worth a bulldozen?
00:37:47Eight, nine, ten.
00:37:50Kim.
00:37:52Rapist!
00:37:53I think I should tell you something before this goes any further.
00:37:56What is it?
00:37:58Uh...
00:38:01I don't love you.
00:38:04I just kind of like you a little bit.
00:38:06That's okay. That's okay.
00:38:08You don't have to be afraid.
00:38:09You don't have to be afraid of it.
00:38:11I'm not afraid of it.
00:38:14I'm afraid of you.
00:38:17And the crazy way you're talking right now.
00:38:20I'm just crazy in love, James.
00:38:24We're gonna be together forever.
00:38:28I don't want to be together forever.
00:38:31I do.
00:38:32I don't.
00:38:33I do.
00:38:37Hurry, it's getting cold!
00:38:59What? Is it too hot?
00:39:04Is it too cold?
00:39:06No.
00:39:10Is it just so good you can't keep it in your mouth?
00:39:14No.
00:39:15Just...
00:39:16Just what?
00:39:18Honestly, you really want to know?
00:39:21Honestly.
00:39:23Honestly, you really want to know?
00:39:25Honestly.
00:39:27It tastes like shit.
00:39:29Like actual shit.
00:39:31Like you put a spoonful of shit in my oatmeal and mixed it around.
00:39:36You don't have to be afraid.
00:39:39Afraid that you might have put shit in my oatmeal.
00:39:44But you wouldn't do that, no.
00:39:46You wouldn't put animal or human feces in my oatmeal, would you?
00:39:53That's right, James.
00:39:55Shit.
00:39:58Why would you do that?
00:39:59That's what our relationship is gonna taste like if we don't commit to making it the best it can be right now.
00:40:04Seriously, Kim, what did you put in there?
00:40:06I'm just gonna have to be more proactive with my efforts.
00:40:09So are you saying I just had shit in my mouth?
00:40:11Really?
00:40:12Wow.
00:40:13You know what?
00:40:14Shit.
00:40:15I'm glad we had this talk.
00:40:21Break up?
00:40:23Break up.
00:40:25I mean, if that's what you want.
00:40:27We can totally do that.
00:40:29You know, we'll obviously still be roommates, though.
00:40:31We'll still live together.
00:40:33Of course.
00:40:35Wow.
00:40:36I knew you would be, like, good about this.
00:40:38I knew you would be great about this.
00:40:40You know what?
00:40:41What?
00:40:42I think I'm done feeling you out.
00:40:45What does that mean?
00:40:47What does that mean?
00:40:48That was a C right there.
00:40:50Okay.
00:40:51Okay, so there's 88 keys.
00:40:53It's a rapper named 88.
00:40:54All right, but this is a piano, so...
00:40:57Okay.
00:40:58That's the middle of it.
00:40:59Cool.
00:41:00Okay.
00:41:01So you put your hand here, and there's an octave.
00:41:04So an octave's eight.
00:41:06Okay.
00:41:07Octave, right?
00:41:08Yeah.
00:41:09So C to C.
00:41:10Yeah.
00:41:11This one.
00:41:12Hey.
00:41:13Hey.
00:41:14Hey.
00:41:16Okay, so there's B, E, E, E, G.
00:41:20Wait, don't sing.
00:41:21Just...
00:41:22Oh.
00:41:23Oh, wait.
00:41:24I hear that.
00:41:28Yo, he just called him his P.
00:41:31How'd he get finals?
00:41:33Oh, shoot.
00:41:34Get a close-up.
00:41:36Oh, shoot.
00:41:38Why not?
00:41:39Kick it right there.
00:41:40That's weak.
00:41:42That's disgusting.
00:41:45Why is he making that noise?
00:41:47Wait.
00:41:48No, no, no.
00:41:49Don't touch me right there.
00:41:50Don't touch me.
00:41:53He's losing the battle.
00:41:56How long was that?
00:41:57Ten minutes?
00:41:58He's done that quick?
00:42:03Oh, by the way, we have to be at Shauna's at 8,
00:42:05so I'll pick you up at 7.30, okay?
00:42:07But...
00:42:12Hey.
00:42:14Hey.
00:42:16Wait, Kim.
00:42:19Kim.
00:42:20Kim.
00:42:21What?
00:42:22What's going on?
00:42:23I thought we were still going to talk about breaking up.
00:42:25No.
00:42:26What do you mean, no?
00:42:27No, I don't want to break up.
00:42:29Why not?
00:42:30Because I just gave you my born-again virginity.
00:42:33Born-again virginity?
00:42:34Yes.
00:42:35What is that?
00:42:36After every relationship, I get born again.
00:42:38What is that, like, formatting your hard drive?
00:42:41Yeah, I guess so.
00:42:43Well, I still think we should break up.
00:42:48Honestly?
00:42:51Yeah.
00:42:54What?
00:42:56Oh, my God!
00:42:59What?
00:43:03After what I just gave you?
00:43:08No!
00:43:09Kim.
00:43:10No!
00:43:11Stop, stop, stop.
00:43:12Come on.
00:43:13No!
00:43:14No!
00:43:15No!
00:43:16No!
00:43:17No!
00:43:18No!
00:43:19No!
00:43:25It's going to suck so much when you die!
00:43:31Excuse me?
00:43:32What?
00:43:33I never told you what happened to all of my ex-boyfriends.
00:43:37They lived happily ever after?
00:43:40They all disappeared.
00:43:43Maybe they're just hiding from you.
00:43:46Maybe someone killed them and then chopped their bodies into tiny little pieces.
00:43:55What's that crazy look in your eyes?
00:43:57It's love, James.
00:43:59It's the same love that made my mother die from loneliness.
00:44:0380-proof loneliness.
00:44:06But alcohol...
00:44:10Alcohol isn't the answer, James.
00:44:12What's the, uh...
00:44:13What's the answer?
00:44:19Straight-up street violence.
00:44:23I was joking.
00:44:25I can't hear you.
00:44:26I was joking.
00:44:28You were joking?
00:44:30You were joking?
00:44:32Oh, my God!
00:44:34You saved her life.
00:44:36You have no idea.
00:44:38From now on, I'm not going to take anything you say seriously.
00:44:42You're always joking.
00:44:43You're always joking, joking, joking!
00:44:49That's all.
00:44:50Okay.
00:44:51Well, okay, well, I'll bring you a different shirt later.
00:44:53I'll pick you up at 7.30, okay?
00:44:54Okay.
00:44:55All right, I love you.
00:44:57I miss you.
00:45:04This is all your fault, you know that?
00:45:09Straight-up street violence.
00:45:11If you had ovaries, I'd be afraid for your future children.
00:45:14If you had any heart, you would have came and smacked her around a little bit.
00:45:18No, look, what I need is to get out of this relationship
00:45:23without the occurrence of any physical confrontation.
00:45:25That's all I need.
00:45:27Dude, you need an exit strategy.
00:45:30Because unless Osama bin Laden is hiding in that girl's vajayjay,
00:45:33you got to get away.
00:45:34Am I right?
00:45:35You're right.
00:45:36I need to bring the troops home.
00:45:37Bring them home.
00:45:38By troops, I mean my manhood.
00:45:40Exactly.
00:45:41Hold on, wait.
00:45:42Do you guys hear that?
00:45:43What?
00:45:44That's the sound of brain cells dying
00:45:46because that was the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.
00:45:48Whatever.
00:45:49You guys are being dumbasses.
00:45:50Whatever.
00:45:51You listen to her, you listen to me.
00:45:53It's your choice.
00:45:59Okay.
00:46:05What?
00:46:07Nothing.
00:46:08I just imagined you saying that you were thinking about what our kids would look like.
00:46:14You imagined me saying that?
00:46:16Mm-hmm.
00:46:17And our wedding, too.
00:46:18You said you wanted all of our families to be there,
00:46:20all of our friends, except Carville.
00:46:23And then you said we'd go to Paris and make love under the Eiffel Tower
00:46:26and then go to Barcelona and embrace under every landmark for 15 minutes.
00:46:31And then you whispered in my ear, I want to have you inside of me.
00:46:36And I was like, what?
00:46:38That's impossible.
00:46:40And you were like, I know that's impossible, but I still want it.
00:46:44I just love your soul.
00:46:48You can be so romantic sometimes.
00:46:53You know, imagining me say something doesn't really count as me saying it, right?
00:47:01I did good on one.
00:47:02Oh, you know what?
00:47:03James, James can help you.
00:47:04James.
00:47:05Oh.
00:47:06Come on, help Shawna get the china gloves up here.
00:47:08Okay?
00:47:09Yeah, he'll help you.
00:47:10He's tall enough, he can do that.
00:47:11Perfect, good, good.
00:47:12And then what about our candles?
00:47:13The candles, you know what, I was thinking about doing, I don't know.
00:47:16Get them out there.
00:47:17What do you think?
00:47:18I think so.
00:47:19I think, okay, that's a good idea for the pool,
00:47:20you might want to get some like tea candles, like the really small ones.
00:47:22Oh, that's romantic.
00:47:23To set the table, you know what I mean?
00:47:24Very romantic.
00:47:25It'll be really nice with like the sun going down and everything.
00:47:27Maybe we can get James to help kind of clean some of this stuff out of the pool.
00:47:29Yeah, he can do that.
00:47:30I haven't gotten around to it.
00:47:31He can take care of that.
00:47:32That's what he's here for.
00:47:33Good, good.
00:47:34The more, the merrier.
00:47:35Yeah, so these need to go up here.
00:47:37We'll go out with that.
00:47:38That'll be good.
00:47:39I'm so excited to get those up.
00:47:40I've been wanting to get those up forever.
00:47:42Yeah, if you could just, you know, kind of, you're tall.
00:47:46It's only two.
00:47:49It's time for a toast.
00:47:50One, two, three.
00:47:52Come on, get it up.
00:47:53Get there.
00:47:54That's good.
00:47:55Uh-oh.
00:47:56A little tipsy.
00:47:57You guys are my heroes.
00:47:59I want to come here every week because I love each and every one of your faces.
00:48:02As you should.
00:48:03And that's not the rum talking.
00:48:04As you should.
00:48:05That's this guy talking.
00:48:06That's right.
00:48:07Oh, yeah.
00:48:08I didn't think I liked you at first, but because it was the best thing.
00:48:12It was the best thing.
00:48:13No, but you have grown on me, my friend.
00:48:17Do you guys like the shirt that I bought Jane?
00:48:19I knew you'd pick that out.
00:48:21You have such great taste.
00:48:22I know.
00:48:23Thank you.
00:48:24Next week I'll wear purple.
00:48:25Yes, we are.
00:48:26We picked out our outfits, too.
00:48:28I knew that.
00:48:29Doesn't Jane's look great in pink?
00:48:31We're wearing pink together.
00:48:37Oh, nice.
00:48:39The tequila melts it so fast.
00:48:41Or is it vodka or rum?
00:48:43I can't remember which one.
00:48:44We've had it all.
00:48:45It doesn't matter.
00:48:46It's good.
00:48:47He's getting the job done, yeah?
00:48:48Yeah.
00:48:49He might need to be cut off, actually.
00:48:50I know.
00:48:51Come on.
00:48:52Is this a little special punch?
00:48:54No, no, no.
00:48:55I'll walk home.
00:48:56I'll walk home before I get cut off.
00:48:58No, you will not.
00:48:59You will not.
00:49:00When you work hard all week, you deserve it.
00:49:02Thank you.
00:49:03That's true.
00:49:04I agree.
00:49:05I agree.
00:49:06I will sleep here.
00:49:07I will sleep right in the pool.
00:49:08No.
00:49:09No, you will not.
00:49:10I want to go home tonight.
00:49:11I will sleep in the pool.
00:49:12You can pick me up tomorrow.
00:49:13PlayStation.
00:49:14Next week on a PlayStation.
00:49:15PlayStation.
00:49:16Let's do it.
00:49:17Come on, James.
00:49:18PlayStation.
00:49:19We don't know.
00:49:20James, you need another drink there, man?
00:49:21You look good in pink.
00:49:22Doesn't he?
00:49:23That's what I tell him all the time.
00:49:24He needs to wear more pink.
00:49:25So we can match together.
00:49:26Hey.
00:49:27Hey.
00:49:28You look horrible.
00:49:29Why are you laughing?
00:49:30Just clean your face.
00:49:31All right, Ronnie's having a good time.
00:49:32All right, we have a good time.
00:49:33Now you talk to me.
00:49:34You're not talking to me.
00:49:35You're not talking to me.
00:49:36You're not talking to me.
00:49:37You're not talking to me.
00:49:38You're not talking to me.
00:49:39You're not talking to me.
00:49:40You're not talking to me.
00:49:41Why are you laughing?
00:49:42All right, all right, all right.
00:49:43All cheers to that.
00:49:44Yeah.
00:49:45Hey, hey.
00:49:46All right.
00:49:47All right.
00:49:48All right.
00:49:49All right.
00:49:50Cheers to that.
00:49:51Hey, guys.
00:49:52Hey.
00:49:53Hey.
00:49:54I'm out.
00:49:55Where's he going?
00:49:56Is he joking?
00:49:57Was he upset?
00:49:58I think it might have been tequila.
00:49:59I'm sorry.
00:50:00He left his shoes.
00:50:01I mean.
00:50:02I'm sorry.
00:50:03I'm sorry.
00:50:04I'm sorry.
00:50:05I'm sorry.
00:50:06I'm sorry.
00:50:07I'm sorry.
00:50:08I'm sorry.
00:50:09I'm sorry.
00:50:10I'm sorry.
00:50:12Again, when I stormed out of the party back there, I wasn't storming out of our relationship.
00:50:34relationship, you know, just the party.
00:50:42We're still cool, right?
00:50:49I mean, you're worried about everybody that you're tweeting
00:50:51and BBMing and they're not even your friends
00:50:54in real life, like, duh, come on.
00:50:57You're so cute right now, you're jealous.
00:51:01You're such a, I have so many followers.
00:51:04I don't get it, like, follow you where, what is that?
00:51:19You're a Quaker.
00:51:20Right, I'm a Quaker and you're a techno whore.
00:51:23Stop, stop, this is Leona.
00:51:25Now that is the posture of a guy
00:51:28with no whipped cream in his chocolate pudding.
00:51:30What are you doing?
00:51:31That door was open.
00:51:32Get out, you're not getting that card scoop.
00:51:35Whoa, whoa, hey.
00:51:36Get out.
00:51:37Let's just concentrate on one thing at a time here.
00:51:38I heard about your situation.
00:51:41What situation?
00:51:42That girl you're living with so you're not homeless.
00:51:45I was eavesdropping on your friends the other day.
00:51:48Get out.
00:51:49Hey, I can help you out.
00:51:50I can get her to break up with you.
00:51:52Get out.
00:51:53Come on, dude, I don't have any after school activities.
00:51:57Well, she wouldn't break up with me anyway.
00:51:58Why would she do that?
00:52:00Girls do it all the time.
00:52:02They break up with a guy that they thought was the one
00:52:06just as soon as they find out that he's not the one.
00:52:10So all we gotta do is convince her that you're not the one.
00:52:15Honey, I'm home.
00:52:18You're late.
00:52:23What happened to you?
00:52:25I went to a strip club after work
00:52:27and sucked some boobs and got a lap dance.
00:52:33Couple of times.
00:52:34I was like, oh, I'm so happy.
00:52:36I'm so excited.
00:52:37I'm so excited.
00:52:38I'm so excited.
00:52:39I'm so excited.
00:52:39I'm so excited.
00:52:40I'm so excited.
00:52:41I'm so excited.
00:52:42I'm so excited.
00:52:43I'm so excited.
00:52:44Couple lap dances.
00:52:50Oops.
00:52:51Wow.
00:52:52Busted.
00:52:54What is that?
00:52:55Looks like I've been having safe sex.
00:52:58A lot of it, too.
00:52:59And don't be fooled by just the one time.
00:53:01I used a lot of them.
00:53:03Some I used twice.
00:53:04I doubled up.
00:53:06You don't believe me?
00:53:11You're such a bad liar.
00:53:15That's good, though.
00:53:16That's a good quality to have in a spouse.
00:53:19I'm not lying.
00:53:21I had sex with a stripper in the strip club.
00:53:27What was the stripper's name?
00:53:30Strawberry, Banana.
00:53:33Yogurt.
00:53:35Was her best friend there Rainbow Sherbert?
00:53:40Was it Mint Chocolate Chip?
00:53:44Man, what?
00:53:45I love Strawberry, Banana, Yogurt.
00:53:47It's all I could think of.
00:53:49Your favorite dessert is all you could think of?
00:53:51Well, at least you didn't say like Rainbow Sherbert.
00:53:54Or Mint Chocolate Chip.
00:53:55You should have said like Cinnamon
00:53:57or like Peaches and Cream.
00:53:59Ooh, Peaches and Cream.
00:54:01That sounds more like a dynamic duo of strippers,
00:54:03though, like Batman and Robin.
00:54:05Peaches and Cream.
00:54:06Dude, crime fighting strippers?
00:54:08Oh, my God.
00:54:09Oh, my God.
00:54:10Oh, my God.
00:54:11Oh, my God.
00:54:11Oh, my God.
00:54:12Oh, my God.
00:54:14That could be like a TV show, like Peaches and Cream.
00:54:17Coming up next on HBO.
00:54:18That'd be a hot TV show.
00:54:19Yeah.
00:54:20I would love it.
00:54:22Oh, my God.
00:54:23Your boyfriend.
00:54:25Yo, office, now.
00:54:27That little stunt you had me pull, didn't work.
00:54:28She didn't believe me.
00:54:29Did you pull the empty condom wrapper trick?
00:54:32This is bad.
00:54:34It's interesting.
00:54:35It's not interesting, it's bad, okay?
00:54:38I'm getting my advice from a kid.
00:54:41A suck machine.
00:54:42Hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:54:43The first thing I learned from watching Gossip Girls
00:54:46is that women are irrational.
00:54:47Big word.
00:54:49Can you spell it?
00:54:50And when dealing with irrational people,
00:54:53you have to be even more irrational.
00:54:56You gotta think outside the box.
00:54:58Why don't you think outside the store?
00:55:03Well, if it's gonna be a problem,
00:55:05then I'll just have to take my services elsewhere.
00:55:08You should do that.
00:55:10I-R-R-A-T-I-O-N-A-L.
00:55:14Nice.
00:55:23You watch Gossip Girls?
00:55:24Yes, I do.
00:55:26And I can help you.
00:55:28You just gotta trust me.
00:55:30But first, I'm gonna need that Cal Ripken Jr. rookie card.
00:55:32No way.
00:55:34Mm-mm.
00:55:37I've got this.
00:55:39I've got this.
00:55:42♪♪♪
00:55:44Let's get out of here.
00:55:45-♪♪♪
00:55:50-♪♪♪
00:55:57Did you pick up the phone yet?
00:55:59We're here.
00:56:00It's just the bell.
00:56:03Hey!
00:56:04Hey.
00:56:05Dad!
00:56:06You're just in time to get your nails done.
00:56:07What's this?
00:56:08This is, this is Yenny.
00:56:09Right?
00:56:10Apparently, I'm her new mother.
00:56:11Um, her old one was killed in a freak, it was a hyena, in a wolverine attack.
00:56:12And a barracuda.
00:56:13And a barracuda.
00:56:14Wow, that is so heartbreaking.
00:56:15I know.
00:56:16I know.
00:56:17I know.
00:56:18I know.
00:56:19I know.
00:56:20I know.
00:56:21I know.
00:56:22I know.
00:56:23I know.
00:56:24I know.
00:56:25I know.
00:56:26I know.
00:56:27I know.
00:56:28I know.
00:56:29I know.
00:56:30I know.
00:56:31I know.
00:56:32I know.
00:56:33I know.
00:56:34I know.
00:56:35I know.
00:56:36Wow, that is so heartbreaking.
00:56:37I don't get it.
00:56:38Is this some kind of joke or something?
00:56:39You mean you don't remember impregnating a girl when you were 12 years old?
00:56:44Ahhh…
00:56:46Yes!
00:56:48Wow...
00:56:50I was 13!
00:56:51Why don't you come join us on the couch?
00:56:53Sit on down.
00:56:56Alright.
00:56:58You must be tired from working all day.
00:57:00Yes.
00:57:01You can get a little closer, you won't bite you.
00:57:06Okay.
00:57:08She looks just like me.
00:57:10That's for everybody.
00:57:12Wow.
00:57:14So, Yenny is your name?
00:57:19Dad, you don't mind me.
00:57:21Stop it. Don't go here.
00:57:24You're gonna have to move in with us.
00:57:28Yeah.
00:57:29Right?
00:57:30Yep, and since I won't be around, you're gonna be her new mommy.
00:57:33How about that?
00:57:34Kim?
00:57:35Of course.
00:57:36What?
00:57:37James, I've always wanted to have your children.
00:57:39I mean, I didn't know it was gonna be so soon.
00:57:43That hurt.
00:57:44But, um, of course I'll help you raise your daughter.
00:57:51Okay.
00:57:53What?
00:57:58Okay, um, this is awkward.
00:58:00I can't, like, really be your daughter, because I kind of have a mother already.
00:58:05Yeah, um, and if I don't get home before curfew, she's gonna be pissed.
00:58:12Look, I tried, okay? I'm sorry.
00:58:15Really? A barracuda?
00:58:17Scoop said you would pay me.
00:58:18Do you even know what a barracuda is?
00:58:20That's not the point, okay? They attack all the time.
00:58:22How much?
00:58:23Fifty bucks.
00:58:25Oh, my God.
00:58:26Because that's the price of my Justin Bieber tickets.
00:58:28Yeah, a little scam artist, that's what you are.
00:58:31Whose mom gets eaten by a barracuda, really?
00:58:33It could happen. It could totally happen.
00:58:38It better be a fast deal.
00:58:42Doing your dirty work. Come on.
00:58:46That's all I got.
00:58:48Here, take this.
00:58:50Take it.
00:58:51Get out of here.
00:58:52Dude, I don't do piggy banks.
00:58:56Okay.
00:59:00Thanks for the snack.
00:59:01Oh, you're welcome, sweetie.
00:59:03Well, I guess I'll just let myself out.
00:59:06Scoop.
00:59:13Uh, what was that?
00:59:19Crazy people, don't let crazy people in the house, man.
00:59:23She could have ax murdered both of us.
00:59:25Tails, we break up.
00:59:27Heads, we stay together.
00:59:30Heads, we're together forever.
00:59:39How about best two out of three?
00:59:41Nope.
00:59:43I said no.
00:59:48It's heads.
00:59:51You are never getting that coworking junior rookie card.
00:59:53Never.
00:59:54Dude, chill out.
00:59:55No, I will not chill out.
00:59:56Okay?
00:59:57You douchebag.
00:59:58Okay.
00:59:59Look, I heard about what happened last night.
01:00:01I'm sorry, okay?
01:00:03I was sure that was going to work.
01:00:04Yeah, and you owe me 50 bucks for that.
01:00:06Okay.
01:00:07You suck, bitch.
01:00:08This is all just part of a trial and error.
01:00:10Now we know what doesn't work, and now we can figure out what does.
01:00:13No, no, no.
01:00:14Your schemes, I'm done with them.
01:00:15They don't work, okay?
01:00:17You're giving up.
01:00:22I'm hurt that you would say that.
01:00:25You're really giving up?
01:00:29Guys like us don't give up.
01:00:31I mean, where would Middle Earth have been if Frodo and his friends just gave up?
01:00:35What sort of country would we live in if Jack Bauer didn't defend countless terrorist attacks on American soil?
01:00:41You can't give up, man.
01:00:43If you do, all those crazy women running around who should be in mental institutions,
01:00:49but they're just so frickin' hot that they're just not,
01:00:55they're just going to have another win.
01:00:57We got to teach these crazy hot chicks a lesson.
01:00:59Amen.
01:01:00You got to hang in there, man.
01:01:02I don't know what to do.
01:01:05Dude, okay, I got a plan.
01:01:07It's a little risky, but I think it'll work.
01:01:15Crazy bitches.
01:01:18Crazy bitches.
01:01:26Crazy bitches.
01:01:27Yes.
01:01:32Reverse psychology.
01:01:33Reverse psychology.
01:01:34It has to be like the worst proposal of all time.
01:01:37Genius.
01:01:38Of all time.
01:01:39Don't listen to them.
01:01:40Why not?
01:01:41Because what if she says yes?
01:01:44She's not going to say yes because it's going to be a crap proposal.
01:01:47No, that's crazy.
01:01:49Look, why don't you just talk with her?
01:01:52Be honest.
01:01:53Tell her how you feel.
01:01:54That would be gay.
01:01:56Really gay.
01:01:57Yeah, they're right.
01:01:59What, are you trying to make us gay with all your gay talk?
01:02:02You guys are being idiots.
01:02:04Stuff shop, this is Leona.
01:02:16Can you untie this?
01:02:19Why?
01:02:21Because I want you to take me.
01:02:26Take you where?
01:02:31No, take my body.
01:02:36Can I just take you to the movies instead?
01:02:40No.
01:02:42What are you doing?
01:02:44I want to take your body.
01:02:46Take it just a little bit.
01:02:48No, it's my time of the month.
01:02:50I can't do that.
01:02:51Come on you, make me feel like a woman.
01:02:54I think we should break up.
01:02:55I think you should break up with me.
01:02:57Why would I want to do that?
01:02:58You're the best boyfriend ever.
01:03:00Thanks, but I don't want to be though for you.
01:03:02We're digging closer little Kermit.
01:03:05Come on Kim, we're not compatible.
01:03:08Good and evil aren't supposed to mate.
01:03:11Answer me, right now.
01:03:13No, Kim, no.
01:03:15Why not?
01:03:16Because.
01:03:17Because what?
01:03:18Because, Kim.
01:03:21Because we have to get married.
01:03:25Right?
01:03:27Did you say marry?
01:03:29Yeah, I did.
01:03:40Hi, is Leona here?
01:03:42Leona?
01:03:46Are you Mr. Rogers?
01:03:48Yes.
01:03:50It's a beautiful day, isn't it?
01:03:52Sure.
01:03:53In the neighborhood?
01:03:55I guess.
01:03:57Can I ask you a question?
01:04:00Yeah.
01:04:01How does it feel to be so old and dating somebody so young?
01:04:05That huge age gap difference.
01:04:09It feels fine.
01:04:10Why?
01:04:11Age is just a number anyway.
01:04:15Okay.
01:04:17So have you found that being 60 and dating a 20-year-old
01:04:23is better than being married, having kids, being loved?
01:04:28I'm 45.
01:04:30Besides, I already did the whole family thing.
01:04:34It's my choice to date 20-year-olds.
01:04:37And that's a good thing?
01:04:41Yeah.
01:04:44I'm happy.
01:04:46Hey.
01:04:47Hey.
01:04:50All right, we'll see you tonight.
01:04:52Tonight?
01:04:53Your engagement party.
01:04:55Oh, yeah, that, no.
01:04:57Probably won't go to that.
01:04:59I was thinking about jumping off a bridge after work.
01:05:02Cry me a river, George Bailey.
01:05:05I'll see you later.
01:05:06Yep, I'll leave you in my will.
01:05:11Kim?
01:05:13Kim?
01:05:16Look, I always knew this was going to happen.
01:05:19I just thought it would be with somebody more attractive.
01:05:24You know what I look forward to?
01:05:26You waiting on me hand and foot.
01:05:28I heard this like a law when you get married.
01:05:30That'll be fun.
01:05:32How do you feel about polygamy?
01:05:35We'll talk about it later.
01:05:37I'm going to try really, really hard
01:05:40not to cheat on you.
01:05:42That much.
01:05:43Not that much.
01:05:44Minimal.
01:05:45Minimal.
01:05:46So, we go.
01:05:48Kim, you can make me the happiest man.
01:05:52Kind of happy.
01:05:53Not really.
01:05:54In the world right now.
01:05:56By accepting my blah, blah, blah marriage proposal.
01:06:04Will you marry me and stuff like that.
01:06:08All that crap.
01:06:09Whatever.
01:06:12Yes.
01:06:14What?
01:06:16I'll marry you.
01:06:18No, no.
01:06:19That's not what she said.
01:06:20Hello, ma'am.
01:06:21Speak to Kim.
01:06:22This is Kim.
01:06:23How you doing, Kim?
01:06:24This is Big Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood.
01:06:26This is who?
01:06:27This is Big Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood.
01:06:29We have a friend of yours down here.
01:06:32Oh, okay.
01:06:33Alrighty, yeah.
01:06:34Your friend James is here.
01:06:36James?
01:06:37Yes.
01:06:38He's not my friend.
01:06:39James is my fiancé.
01:06:40Hi, Kim.
01:06:41Right.
01:06:42Oh.
01:06:43You gotta know this.
01:06:44James is your fiancé.
01:06:45Oops.
01:06:46I forgot to mention that.
01:06:47Okay, well, I didn't know that you guys were engaged and that this was your fiancé.
01:06:51But, he came down to the neighborhood.
01:06:53We were on air talking about relationships.
01:06:55And he made sure he came in to tell us that he's no longer happy with the relationship.
01:07:01He doesn't want to marry you.
01:07:03Is this a joke?
01:07:04No, no, honey.
01:07:05This isn't a joke.
01:07:07He really had us call you to let you know that he's done.
01:07:10For real.
01:07:11I don't know who you guys are or who put you up to this.
01:07:14James is here.
01:07:15Kim, Kim.
01:07:16James is here.
01:07:17Say hello to her.
01:07:18Hello, Kim.
01:07:19Hi.
01:07:20Kermie.
01:07:21What?
01:07:22No.
01:07:23He don't want you to call him honey anymore.
01:07:24I think he doesn't want you to be upset.
01:07:26Right.
01:07:27So, why would I get upset?
01:07:28Because he got evicted from his apartment and begged to stay with me.
01:07:32So, I let him and I cooked for him and cleaned for him.
01:07:35And now he's calling me on the radio in front of everybody to say that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.
01:07:40But, you know what?
01:07:41He still wants you to cook.
01:07:42Why would I be upset?
01:07:43He still wants you to cook and clean.
01:07:44And he still wants to stay on the couch.
01:07:45He just doesn't want to be engaged.
01:07:46He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore.
01:07:48Roommate, not mate.
01:07:49Yeah, roommate, not mate.
01:07:50Exactly.
01:07:51Yeah, that's not going to work.
01:07:53Liz, are you there?
01:07:54Yeah, I'm here.
01:07:55You know, this is so typical.
01:07:57You know how you meet a guy and he pretends to be Prince Charming in the beginning.
01:08:01He's whining you.
01:08:02He's dining you.
01:08:03He's taking you out.
01:08:04Did you do that?
01:08:05All this stuff.
01:08:06Maybe a little bit.
01:08:07Spends all of his money.
01:08:08And then you find out in the end that it was all just, you know, it was pretend.
01:08:11He was faking it.
01:08:12Well, yeah.
01:08:13Who does that?
01:08:14Right.
01:08:15Oh, James does that.
01:08:16And then now, you know.
01:08:17Well, you know what?
01:08:18Just in a nutshell, Kim, he doesn't want to be with you anymore.
01:08:21He wants it to be over.
01:08:23He still wants you to cook and clean for him.
01:08:26If possible, he would like to have the linen changed on the sofa tonight.
01:08:30And he's done.
01:08:31She beats me.
01:08:32What?
01:08:33And he said he don't want you to be physical with him anymore.
01:08:35You know what the problem is?
01:08:37The problem is you.
01:08:38He's just afraid of intimacy.
01:08:39No, the problem is him.
01:08:40The problem is he's afraid of intimacy.
01:08:42And I listen to your show all the time.
01:08:43I'm actually a really, really big fan.
01:08:45And if you don't mind me quoting you guys, it's just relationships are all about loving each other past your mistakes.
01:08:53And that's what, you know, I'm trying to do.
01:08:55Like, I know I'm not perfect, and he's not perfect.
01:08:57But he's told me he's got intimacy issues, and I'm willing to love him past that.
01:09:01I don't have intimacy issues.
01:09:03Intimacy issues.
01:09:05Right.
01:09:06I mean, is it crazy to you that he's saying anything to kind of get out of this relationship?
01:09:11You know what I think is crazy is that he's just so afraid to be in love.
01:09:17You warned me.
01:09:18Why didn't I listen?
01:09:20Nobody listens.
01:09:22Everybody rushes.
01:09:26Where's old man River?
01:09:28Um, he dumped me.
01:09:30Yeah.
01:09:32He was like, um, you should find someone your own age.
01:09:36You should settle down, start a family, that kind of stuff.
01:09:40It was weird.
01:09:42Wow.
01:09:44What?
01:09:46All this time, I didn't realize it was right in front of me until now.
01:09:49What are you talking about?
01:09:51Are you drunk?
01:09:53Oh, oh, God, James!
01:09:55Sorry.
01:09:56Oh, no.
01:09:57Oh, what the hell is wrong with you?
01:09:59I just kissed Leona.
01:10:01Dude, on the lips?
01:10:02Yeah.
01:10:03Dude, you know how many penises have been on these bad boys, man?
01:10:05What?
01:10:06Shut up.
01:10:07Only two.
01:10:08Right.
01:10:09Stop.
01:10:10Right.
01:10:11Yeah, too many.
01:10:12Come on.
01:10:13Oh.
01:10:14What you thinking?
01:10:15Sorry.
01:10:16He tried the whole 80s movie, I'm really in love with my platonic girlfriend move.
01:10:19No.
01:10:20What is that?
01:10:21Uh.
01:10:22Yeah.
01:10:23Oh, God.
01:10:24I can't go through with this.
01:10:25I can't.
01:10:26Well, maybe you could run.
01:10:28She'll find me.
01:10:29Oh, too late.
01:10:30Here she comes.
01:10:31What are you doing out here?
01:10:33Everybody's inside.
01:10:35Leona, kiss me.
01:10:37Kiss me.
01:10:39Make it look real.
01:10:40Let me get in.
01:10:41Freaking freak.
01:10:42It look believable.
01:10:43It look believable.
01:10:44Don't push me.
01:10:47Me too.
01:10:51Stop.
01:10:52Stop.
01:10:53Stop.
01:10:54Dude.
01:10:55Really?
01:10:56I'm sorry.
01:10:57I'm sorry.
01:10:58I apologize.
01:10:59Kim, come here.
01:11:00You didn't say sorry to me.
01:11:01I didn't know you were into that, baby.
01:11:03You should have told me.
01:11:04No, I'm not.
01:11:05I'm not into that.
01:11:06Kim, seriously, stop.
01:11:07I think that you deserve a guy that wants the same things you want.
01:11:10Marriage, kids, true happiness.
01:11:12But you make me happy.
01:11:14Well, right now I might, but in the long run, I won't.
01:11:18You don't know that.
01:11:19You're right.
01:11:20I don't.
01:11:21But we want different things in life.
01:11:24That's okay.
01:11:25Differences are good.
01:11:26It gives us stuff to talk about, right?
01:11:27On the surface, yeah, maybe.
01:11:29But as a couple, not wanting the same things is bad.
01:11:34It can lead to unhappiness.
01:11:37So what do you want, James?
01:11:42I don't know.
01:11:44I just know that I don't want to be 60 and unhappy
01:11:50because that will lead to unhappy breakfast and oatmeal shit in it.
01:12:00Well, can't we just work on it?
01:12:02I don't want to work on it.
01:12:06Wow, that sounded bad.
01:12:08Maybe I should have just told you all this in the beginning.
01:12:12Yeah, you should have.
01:12:14Sorry.
01:12:28Tails.
01:12:30What does that mean?
01:12:33It's over between us, James.
01:12:35Over.
01:12:37I'm going to do this for you.
01:12:40You are now anointed a single man, James.
01:12:42And probably homeless, too.
01:12:43Can I say something?
01:12:44Yes.
01:12:45If I end up missing, Kim is the one to arrest.
01:12:49Okay, there it is.
01:12:50So if you come up missing, we'll make sure that Kim goes to jail.
01:12:53You're really scary.
01:12:54Don't change the door locks, love.
01:12:55He's coming home.
01:12:56Yeah, he's coming home.
01:12:57And make sure that you go ahead and put those pillows together for him so he can sleep on that couch.
01:13:00See you later, roomie.
01:13:01All right.
01:13:03It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood of Big Boy's Neighborhood.
01:13:07Seeing with my daddy the way we ate dinner like a family, it felt good.
01:13:12You having sex with my daughter?
01:13:13I haven't felt that way since my mom passed away.
01:13:15I do.
01:13:16I do.
01:13:17I do.
01:13:18I do.
01:13:19I do.
01:13:20I do.
01:13:21I do.
01:13:22I do.
01:13:23I do.
01:13:24I do.
01:13:25Are you going to go in or are you just going to sit here?
01:13:29I do.
01:13:30I do.
01:13:31I do.
01:13:32I do.
01:13:33Guys, it's love.
01:13:34You're so lovely.
01:13:35I do.
01:13:37It's tour day.
01:13:38Come on!
01:13:41It's tour day.
01:13:50Seriously, you're always joking.
01:13:51You're always joking, joking, joking, joking.
01:14:02♪ I'll be the DJ, don't worry, I'll be the DJ ♪
01:14:26You're right.
01:14:27My mother wasn't happy, and it's not because my father left her, it's because she didn't
01:14:37love herself.
01:14:38I can see how hard it was for my dad to live with that, and I don't want to be with someone
01:14:43who wasn't happy with himself.
01:14:46I know.
01:14:52What you said, telling me the truth no matter how much it hurt, it meant a lot.
01:14:59Thanks.
01:15:00I don't know, sometimes I just worry about ending up alone, so I guess it makes me a
01:15:07little aggressive.
01:15:08A little?
01:15:09Yeah, I'm sorry.
01:15:10Yeah, I'm sorry too.
01:15:11Really sorry.
01:15:12Kind of sorry.
01:15:13I'm sorry.
01:15:14So, where are you going to go?
01:15:20I would say Barcelona, but I can't afford that.
01:15:35You could sell your TV?
01:15:45That's not funny.
01:15:50I guess you could sleep on my couch until you find a place.
01:15:55Really?
01:15:57After all that?
01:16:00Don't make me flip the coin.
01:16:03No, I'm just saying, are you sure? Because I don't want to impose.
01:16:08What are you doing? No!