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00:00Me? What am I supposed to do?
00:02Sunday, imagine again.
00:04I have to do something!
00:06Whoa!
00:07The premiere of South Park Imagination Land,
00:09the extended director's cut, Sunday at 10.
00:12The following show is filled with dangerous activities
00:15that should not be attempted by anyone watching at home.
00:18And we're telling you now before that nasty trip to the emergency room.
00:22Welcome to the Gong Show.
00:45I'm your host Dave Attell.
00:49You know, it always was a dream of mine to host the Gong Show.
00:53Oh, look who it is, my arch enemy, the drunk beaver of reality.
00:57Why are you gonging me over there?
00:59You're no Chuck Marris!
01:02He's right. He's so right.
01:04Tonight is not about me. It's about our performers.
01:06And we've got a great show for you. Are you guys ready?
01:08Yeah.
01:14Tonight, one of our acts will win $600 in cash
01:17and have the right to call themselves a Gong Show champion.
01:20They will be wearing this prize belt, I hope.
01:23Bring it out, honey.
01:25Hey, babe, bring it out.
01:29But if they want the cash and the belt,
01:31they first have to get through these guys, our celebrity judges.
01:34Give them a hand.
01:39With pure enthusiasm until death, it's J.B. Smoove, everyone.
01:48Oh, from the world of rock, we're lucky to have this guy.
01:51Jane's Addiction, Red Hot Chili Peppers.
01:53It's the one and only Dave Navarro.
01:59And my buddy, my prom date, Andy Dick.
02:02Give him a hand.
02:08Alright, guys, I need your help,
02:10because we've got so many great acts, but they need a score.
02:12So I want you guys to grade our acts on a score of 1 to 500
02:15throughout the show, and then at the end,
02:17we're gonna tally them up, and the guy with the highest score wins.
02:19Is that easy? Ready?
02:21Love it. Let's do it. Ready to go.
02:23We're starting the show.
02:25Please welcome Trash.
02:28¶¶
02:43¶ Hey, little girl, would you like something sweet?
02:47¶ I got a present for you, you'll love to eat.
02:51¶ It's big and hard, it even comes on a stick.
02:55¶ It's my lollipop, baby, go have yourself a lick.
02:59¶ With my lollipop, baby.
03:03¶ Suck my sugar, honey.
03:07¶ With my lollipop, baby.
03:12¶ It likes you too, so go make it turn blue.
03:16¶¶
03:36All three of you gone.
03:38No, no, I tried to stop these guys.
03:40Oh, you did? Okay, good.
03:42I didn't see that, Dave.
03:44I mean, these guys are not going to open for the Wiggles, all right?
03:47This is not a kid's band.
03:49I mean, look at the little straps that the lollipop's hanging down.
03:52I thought it was cool. So suggestive, you know?
03:54You didn't see that.
03:56Cut to me and Jolly Green Giant f***ing in my dressing room.
03:58Yes! Yes!
04:00Wow.
04:02Way to dance around it. Okay.
04:04I couldn't enjoy the girls sucking
04:06because the band behind the girls is sucking,
04:08and that sucks.
04:10That's vicious.
04:12I don't know what you're talking about, but, uh...
04:14Guys, I thought you were amazing.
04:16Thanks for coming on the show.
04:18Don't listen to these.
04:20Thanks for sticking up for us, Dave.
04:22We appreciate it.
04:24The Rock Brotherhood.
04:26All right, guys, thanks a lot.
04:28One more time for Trash. Give him a hand.
04:30They were good.
04:32I don't know how to get you guys.
04:34All right, got to move on.
04:36Most magic tricks leave you wondering how.
04:38This next act will leave you wondering why.
04:40Please welcome Robert Z. Lander.
04:42Here he is.
04:48Good evening!
04:50Tonight I will perform for your true feet of magic.
04:52I will now pull a rabbit
04:54out of my stomach.
04:56Maestro?
05:10Oh!
05:12Oh, God!
05:14Oh, God!
05:16Get out of there, baby!
05:18Oh!
05:20Oh, God!
05:24Okay, okay.
05:26We'll wait on it.
05:28Oh, God!
05:31Oh, this is a horrible idea!
05:34Oh, God! Oh, that's only half the rabbit!
05:37What do you think about that?
05:39Oh, God, there's the other half!
05:41There's the rabbit! Thank you, goodnight!
05:44APPLAUSE
05:47Come on over here, man.
05:49JB, what did you think?
05:51I saw where you pulled out the rabbit,
05:53but where you pulled that whole act from its ass...
05:56Oh! Wow.
05:59There's a reason that zero was in front of that one.
06:02Oh!
06:04I thought this act had it all.
06:06It had a rabbit, it had, like, fake blood, it was like a...
06:08I'm shocked. I feel like just because we're on the Gong Show,
06:11let's not lose sight of the fact that, like, in some circles,
06:14this is high art. Like, if we were in New York City,
06:17this would be, like, high-performance art.
06:19You're right.
06:21APPLAUSE
06:23300. 300.
06:25There you go. Someone appreciates it.
06:27I loved it! I loved it!
06:29Andy, what did you think?
06:32I kind of want to take a bite out of that.
06:34You've got to do it. You've got to do it.
06:37Do it! Do it!
06:39Do it, Andy. Do something crazy.
06:42Do it. Watch the night.
06:44LAUGHTER
06:46Oh! Oh!
06:48Yes!
06:50APPLAUSE
06:54Oh, my God!
06:56Oh!
06:58Lady and the Tramp. There they go.
07:00Oh!
07:02Wow.
07:04You know what? I liked it.
07:06I thought it was original, interesting...
07:09Yes! 500!
07:11500.
07:13APPLAUSE
07:15That gives us a score of 801.
07:17APPLAUSE
07:19Hit the showers, as they say.
07:21We'll be right back with more Gossips.
07:23APPLAUSE
07:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:30Now the latest from Indecision 08.
07:33Why would you want to be first lady?
07:35You'd never get any sleep,
07:37because I understand the phone keeps ringing at 3 a.m.
07:40More election coverage on the Colbert Report,
07:43weeknights at 11.30.
07:45Comedy Central's Indecision 2008,
07:48The Colbert Report is brought to you by E-Trade.
08:18$1,000 new accounts a day at E-Trade.
08:48So provocative, so profane, so stupid.
08:52It just might be their ticket to stardom.
08:55Hamlet 2? Hamlet 2.
08:57The time machine opens, revealing Hamlet and...
08:59Jesus! Thanks, Jesus.
09:01You got my cell number? Yeah. OK.
09:03Put the co-writer of South Park bigger, longer and uncut.
09:05You have Satan French kissing the President of the United States of America.
09:08Perfect! Comes the Sundance hit.
09:10Entertainment Weekly calls dementedly hilarious.
09:13What's really going on here?
09:15Which leads us on to the musical interlude, Rock Me Sexy Jesus.
09:18Rock me, rock me.
09:19Rolling Stone rates.
09:21It's comedy heaven.
09:22I'm glad I'm getting hammered.
09:24No one is shutting down this play.
09:25You wanna hit me?
09:26I would love it if you hit me.
09:28I'm doing everybody!
09:29Hamlet 2.
09:31Rated R.
09:32Starts August 22nd.
09:33Text HAMLET 2 to 4FOCUS
09:35and get a free Rock Me Sexy Jesus ringtone.
09:37You've always wanted to know the secret of finding someone great on Match.com.
09:41Our new insider's guide will show you how.
09:43You'll learn the secrets from the people who know Match.com best.
09:46Our most successful members.
09:48And it's yours free.
09:49Only at Match.com.
09:51The Repo Joe sale is coming to Riverhead Bay, Volkswagen, Subaru on Old Country Road.
09:57Here's your chance to buy vehicles bought from auctions that were repossessed by banks
10:00or were leases that were terminated.
10:01You pay $27 down.
10:03Then make the famous post-it right in the windshield.
10:05Stop or jump.
10:06$89 a month.
10:07$27 down.
10:08$89 a month.
10:09Shop pre-owned families who have sports cars, trucks, SUVs,
10:12even luxury vehicles.
10:13Search for your vehicle at RepoJoe.com.
10:16Then rush to Riverhead Bay, Volkswagen, Subaru on Old Country Road.
10:19Hurry, sale ends Sunday.
10:21Struggling with credit card debt?
10:23Is it difficult just making your minimum payments?
10:26Tired of the harassing calls?
10:28If you're in substantial credit card debt and need help,
10:31call now and settle your accounts for less than you owe.
10:35Call the Hermosa Group today to find out how you can quickly and easily
10:40eliminate your debt for less than you owe.
10:43Life can be better.
10:45Call the Hermosa Group now.
10:47Get a low monthly payment that fits your budget.
10:50Call now.
10:52Delivery.
10:53We're back.
11:01You know what we don't have enough on this show?
11:03Great athletes.
11:05Please welcome the world champion of midget wrestling, Mighty Mike.
11:09How you doing, Mike?
11:13Thanks for coming on the Gong Show.
11:15Doing good.
11:16I'm the world champion of the world.
11:17Are you?
11:18Yeah.
11:19Oh, no.
11:20What are you talking about?
11:21Oh, it's on.
11:22That's Matt.
11:24All right, let's do it.
11:26Here we go.
11:27It's a battle.
11:29It's a battle royale.
11:30Oh, my.
11:31Oh.
11:33Oh.
11:34Oh.
11:35Oh.
11:36Oh.
11:37Oh.
11:38Oh.
11:39Oh.
11:40Oh.
11:41Oh.
11:42Oh.
11:43Oh.
11:44Oh.
11:45Oh.
11:46Oh.
11:47Oh.
11:48Oh.
11:49Oh.
11:50Oh.
11:51Oh.
11:52Oh.
11:53Oh.
11:54Oh.
11:55Oh.
11:56Oh.
11:57Oh.
11:58Oh.
11:59Oh.
12:00Oh.
12:01Oh.
12:02Oh.
12:03Oh.
12:04Oh.
12:05Oh.
12:06Oh.
12:07Oh.
12:08Yeah.
12:09Yeah.
12:10It looks like the day after Christmas when you guys just got all messed up and crazy.
12:14I love it.
12:15It was like watching a fight really far away.
12:18It was cool.
12:19Now, let's see what kind of scores you guys did.
12:22Andy, what did you think?
12:25That's an area code as well.
12:27313 for Andy.
12:30Now, Dave, what did you think of Mighty Mike and his buddy?
12:34A hundred. I gave it a hundred.
12:35All right, that's good.
12:40Now, J.B., what did you think of Mighty Mike and Matt?
12:43I find these two little bastards to be very cocky.
12:45We're not big enough for what?
12:46I'm kidding. I'm kidding with you.
12:48Oh, you want to throw down with him?
12:53They're throwing it out again.
13:00Point to me. Go. Begin.
13:30All right.
13:36All right.
13:37Thank you.
13:39I want to play that.
13:55All right, guys.
13:56Hope you're having fun.
13:57Don't leave a man behind.
13:59Never leave a man behind.
14:01Wow.
14:02You guys, they came into your house,
14:04and you sent them home like the bitches they are.
14:06Look at those Hollywood blowhards.
14:09Who's talking tough now?
14:10These guys kicked your asses all over the place.
14:13They were good, right, Jimmy?
14:15Give me the score now.
14:16467.
14:18That gives you a total of 880.
14:21Give him a hand.
14:23Thanks, Matt.
14:24We'll see you at the end.
14:28Aren't we supposed to score them?
14:30You did already.
14:31Are you okay from the wrestling?
14:36Oh, my God.
14:37Oh, my God.
14:40On your mark, get set, cancel.
14:46All right, I need a break.
14:47We'll be right back.
14:48More Gong Show after this.
14:55Melissa says the new vanilla orchid scent from Gain
14:58mellows her out so much, she forgets she's doing laundry.
15:02Hey, Melissa, you're doing laundry.
15:05New Gain Vanilla Orchid Mellow Detergent.
15:07Say hello to mellow.
15:18Need something?
15:20To find it locally, you need yellowpages.com.
15:24Supersonic Breakfast Toaster.
15:26New at Sonic.
15:27Sausage and bacon with two slices of pepper jack.
15:29Or ham and bacon with two slices of smoky cheddar.
15:32The new Supersonic Breakfast Toaster.
15:34Try one anytime with a premium roast, iced or hot latte.
15:37It's not just good, it's Sonic good.
15:39Jack Link's Beef Jerky presents Messing With Sasquatch.
15:50Hey, you want a ride?
15:52It's okay.
15:56Sorry.
15:58We're sorry.
15:59Sorry, buddy.
16:00Sorry, buddy.
16:02What?
16:04What?
16:07Jack Link's Jerky.
16:08Feed your wild side.
16:10Well, I married my dream girl.
16:12I married my dream girl.
16:13But she didn't tell me her credit was bad.
16:16So now, instead of living in a pleasant suburb,
16:20we're living in the basement at her mom and dad's.
16:23Though we can't get a loan for a respectable home,
16:26just because my girl defaulted on some old credit card.
16:29If we'd gone to freecreditreport.com,
16:32I'd be a happy bachelor with a dog and a yard.
16:36Offer applies with enrollment and triple advantage.
16:39Dude, who uses a body wash to get clean?
16:41This won't increase my ability to mate.
16:43It's gonna make the ladies want to smell me.
16:45Just put their nose and just...
16:47Finally, a body wash for grown-ups.
16:48New Nivea for Men Body Wash has a fresh, subtle scent
16:51and is good for your skin.
16:52Works for me.
16:53Nivea for Men, what men want.
16:57Welcome back to the Gaunt Show.
16:59It's time to see the future of entertainment.
17:02Please welcome Trixie Little and the Evil Hate Monkey.
17:28Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
17:58Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
18:28Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
18:35Ah, ah, ah, ah.
18:42Ah, ah, ah, ah.
18:48Come out here.
18:49There she is.
18:50She's okay.
18:51It wasn't a real volcano.
18:52She's good.
18:54Here you go, sweetheart.
18:55No one's gonna' hurt you now.
18:57Mr. Dick, would you like to spank the monkey?
19:00All right, who wants to?
19:02JB, what did you think of our people here?
19:06I don't advocate violence, man,
19:07but sometimes you gotta throw a monkey in a volcano,
19:10you know what I mean?
19:11And you, my friend, went in that volcano.
19:13I'm gonna give you 198.
19:15198.
19:16Now, Dave, you've seen a lot of weird things
19:18on the back of a tour bus.
19:19I really have.
19:20I really, really have.
19:21You guys will be welcome
19:22on the back of a tour bus any time.
19:24All right.
19:25Especially you.
19:26Trixie, is that who?
19:27Yes.
19:28I'm gonna go with 150.
19:30150.
19:31Hang on a second, Tim Stiller.
19:36If you don't have a flat screen at home,
19:38he did shave his ass.
19:39That is a smooth ass.
19:41Go ahead, Andy.
19:42What do you think of these guys?
19:44111.
19:46Not bad.
19:47Give them a hand, guys.
19:49Well, that gives you a total score of 459.
19:54Give them a hand.
19:55Thank you, guys.
19:56We'll see you at the end of the show.
19:59Oh, are you guys ready to rock?
20:01Yeah!
20:04Very quietly.
20:06All right, here's our man Douglas Lee
20:09and his water symphony.
20:13¶¶
20:21¶¶
20:27¶¶
20:36¶¶
20:43¶¶
20:49Douglas, that was great.
20:50Thank you very much.
20:51Thank you very much.
20:52It was something so beautiful,
20:54it was like listening to angels fart.
20:56It's so beautiful.
20:58All right, so let's see.
20:59JB, what did you think?
21:01I sing for the dirty-ass dishes at my house.
21:04I would love for you to do that with soap and water.
21:07Bam!
21:08499.
21:11Thank you.
21:12That's great.
21:14Now, Dave.
21:15Now, you know, you must have been doing this a long time, right?
21:18Eight years.
21:19Eight years.
21:20Think if you applied that amount of time for eight years
21:23into something constructive.
21:25How amazing that would have been.
21:27That was dope, dude.
21:29I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna give you a high one.
21:31317 from Dave Navarro.
21:33Thank you very much.
21:34You are cleaning up.
21:37Andy.
21:38You cannot teach that kind of talent.
21:42A gay wizard has to f*** it into you.
21:47I give you 100.
21:49100.
21:51Let's see what your final score is.
21:52Let's see.
21:53What is it?
21:54960.
21:58I need a break.
21:59I need a drink.
22:00We'll be right back with more Game Show.
22:27On August 1st.
22:28Good going, Dad.
22:29You raised another mummy.
22:30Brendan Fraser.
22:31You can't leave.
22:32You can't leave.
22:33You can't leave.
22:34You can't leave.
22:35You can't leave.
22:36You can't leave.
22:37You can't leave.
22:38You can't leave.
22:39You can't leave.
22:40You can't leave.
22:41You can't leave.
22:42You can't leave.
22:43You can't leave.
22:44You can't leave.
22:45You can't leave.
22:46You can't leave.
22:47You can't leave.
22:48You can't leave.
22:49You can't leave.
22:50You can't leave.
22:51You can't leave.
22:52You can't leave.
22:53You can't leave.
22:54You can't leave.
22:55You can't leave.
22:56You can't leave.
22:57I hate mummies.
22:58They never play fair.
23:01The Mummy.
23:02Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.
23:03Rated PG-13.
23:04Starts August 1st.
23:07I think what it is, is that you don't know it until you have it.
23:10Because I heard that in the past.
23:12You always hear people being like, oh, she's not right for you.
23:14You'll know.
23:15You'll know.
23:16And I'm like, okay.
23:17Yeah, you'll know.
23:18Well, we know.
23:19Well, this is what they were talking about.
23:21When I first heard him on the phone, I thought he was really sexy.
23:26I love this girl to death, you know.
23:28And Anne-Marie changed my life.
23:30Because I was going in a hundred different directions.
23:33It is easy to be with Leigh.
23:35It's easy to love him.
23:37She is extremely happy, light hearted, doesn't let things get to her.
23:41You know.
23:42And I learned from that.
23:43And I'm jealous of that.
23:44But she's bringing that into my life.
23:46I'm much more laid back.
23:49And kind of go with the flow.
23:51Me not so much.
23:52Yeah.
23:53Anne-Marie allows me to be who I am.
23:56I mean, as long as I have her, that's it.
23:59See how it feels to be matched based on compatibility.
24:02Log on and review your matches for free.
24:04eHarmony.com
24:09It's got some room.
24:11Handy, it's great gas mileage.
24:12Wow.
24:13Whoa.
24:14Yeah, I could get used to it.
24:19Phil, when is this event going to be over?
24:21Soon.
24:22Real soon.
24:24Thanks, Phil.
24:25An event like this can get a little wild.
24:28The Autobahn for all summer event.
24:30Get three VWs for under $199 a month or 0% APR on all 08 models.
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25:32It's Optimum or it's not.
25:35Cash.
25:38Welcome back to The Gaunt Show, I'm Dave Attell.
25:41This next act, whoo, they're good.
25:43I'm just gonna bring them right out, because you guys deserve it.
25:46Please welcome Russell and Terry, True Love and Reality.
25:49True Love and Reality.
26:16Come on, y'all.
26:20Ah, kick it up, boy.
26:24Take it.
26:34Yeah.
26:36Whoo!
26:53Very good.
26:55J.B., what did you think of Russell and Terry?
26:57Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
27:01Ungawa.
27:03Boom!
27:05$4.34.
27:09Dave, what did you think of Russell and Terry?
27:11Very impressive, very impressive stuff.
27:13You guys are phenomenal.
27:15I think they're $3.22.
27:17$3.22.
27:19Just in case you just came in, this isn't a Bowflex commercial.
27:21This is Russell and Terry waiting on Andy Dick's score.
27:24Now, go ahead, Andy, what did you give these guys?
27:26$500.
27:28Okay, guys, that gives you a total score of $1,250.
27:32I think that's great. Thank you, guys.
27:34All right.
27:36Amazing, amazing.
27:38Yes.
27:40Ah.
27:44Next up, we got a guy who loves magic.
27:46He's from Hoboken, New Jersey.
27:48Please welcome Dave Juskow.
27:53Thank you. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
27:55You know, in the wild, a rhinoceros can weigh up to 6,000 pounds,
27:59which makes this trick even more unbelievable.
28:03Oh, come on. Are you kidding?
28:05We're out of time.
28:07It's time to pick our winner of the show.
28:09Sorry, brother.
28:11We ran out of time.
28:13We have to pick our winner, our champion.
28:15The envelope, please.
28:17There they go.
28:19Andy and Heidi did an amazing job tonight.
28:23In this envelope is the winner,
28:25the gangster champion of the evening.
28:27Not only the belt, but $600 cash
28:29and a back rub from Andy Dick.
28:31Now, are you guys ready?
28:33Here we go.
28:35The highest scoring winner tonight
28:37is Russell and Terry,
28:39True Love and Reality, which is out here.
28:41Amazing.
28:45Way to go, guys. Way to go.
28:47There's your belt.
28:49You guys rock.
28:51How do you feel? Good?
28:53I feel great, man.
28:55Here's some cash for you. Here we go.
28:57$100.
28:59Count with me. $200.
29:01$300. $400.
29:03What are you, homeschooled?
29:05$500. $600.
29:07There you go. Give him a hand.
29:09Confetti. That's our show.
29:11Let's bring out all our acts.
29:13Thanks for watching.
29:15How about a hand for our celebrity judges?
29:17Andy Dick, Dave Navarro,
29:19J.B. Smoot.
29:21Here's our acts.
29:23There you go.
29:25You guys rock. Thanks for watching.
29:27We'll see you soon.
29:29The Gaunt Show.
29:31Be right back.
29:53Thursday.
29:55Let's meet your potential lover.
29:57It's time for the shock of love.
29:59Who's hungry?
30:01Bon appétit.
30:03It's an all-new Reality Bites Back,
30:05Thursday at 10.30 on Comedy Central.
30:07All right, everybody.
30:09July 22, 2008.
30:13From Comedy Central's World News headquarters
30:15in New York,
30:17this is The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
30:23-♪♪
30:31Oh!
30:33Whoo!
30:35Whoo!
30:37Whoo!
30:39Whoo!
30:41Whoo!
30:43Welcome to The Daily Show.
30:45My name's Jon Stewart, and I just jammed my thumb.
30:47Big guest tonight, Mike Farrell.