Jack goes out on a date with Fatima, an exotic dancer who uses a snake in her act but he does not want the snake to go with them so he puts it in Stan's bag. Back at the Butler house the bag appears to move of its own accord before the snakes jumps out,causing general confusion. Jack and Fatima eventually turn up to take the snake away
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00🎵
00:09🎵
00:16🎵
00:19Go on, let's have a cup of tea, mate.
00:21Hang on, what's this here, then?
00:22I don't know, it's all in gibberish.
00:24No, that's the Indian bit of it.
00:25Oh, yeah.
00:26Oh, I know!
00:27That's the Indian dooner having tonight.
00:29Yeah, fancy going?
00:30Well, it's a bit of a lot, but they've got a sense of humour, haven't they?
00:32Look, all busmen invited.
00:33Even whites.
00:36Anyway, listen.
00:37I want to get to know this Indian bird here.
00:40Oh, Fatima!
00:41Oh, blimey, mate, you don't stand a chance there.
00:44Two teas, please, love.
00:45Why not?
00:46Well, I mean, she fancies me.
00:47I'm her type.
00:48I suppose you think that if she sees you in your wire front,
00:51she'll think you're Gandhi.
00:53Listen, mate, I am well in there.
00:55Didn't you see the look she gave me while I was having me lunch?
00:57I mean, she didn't give you an extra dollop of treacle on your pudding.
01:00Just as well I was having egg and chips.
01:04Come on, let's sit here.
01:06Not there!
01:07Look, I'm so cluttered up, mate.
01:08Yeah, exactly.
01:09Fatima will have to come and clear it, you see.
01:11Very clever, mate.
01:13Hello, darling.
01:14Do you like it here, then?
01:18We're wasting our time, mate, I think.
01:20Well, she's only just arrived.
01:21I don't think she speaks the lingo.
01:23Heads up, here's Dracula.
01:28Hello, Blakey.
01:29What have you got there?
01:30Tomato soup or Clippy's blood?
01:34Well, it can't be bus driver's blood, can it?
01:36Because I ain't got none.
01:38Blakey, come and sit down here.
01:39Look, stare at me.
01:40I've got a problem.
01:41Yeah.
01:42Well, you wouldn't be jointly belong to the human race, do you or something?
01:44Look, mate, you speak the Indian lingo, don't you?
01:46I mean, you was there during the war.
01:48Yeah, so I had four years out there under Mountbatten
01:50to free the world for the likes of you idiots.
01:52Yeah, yeah, all right, all right.
01:53Look, Blakey, listen, Blakey, listen.
01:55All we want to know, we want to say in Indian to this bird here,
01:58we want to say we think you're a smashing bit of stuff.
02:02What's that?
02:03I might have known it was going to be something like that.
02:05Look, Blakey, what do I say to her?
02:07I mean, you must have chatted up the birds in India.
02:10I did nothing of the kind.
02:11I treated them properly with respect.
02:13Oh, come out of it, mate.
02:14You were there for four years.
02:15Surely you, um, well, you know what I mean.
02:18Yeah, especially in that age.
02:20I did nothing of the kind.
02:22Besides, I had my job to do.
02:23I was in transport.
02:24I used to have to manhandle the mules.
02:26The mules?
02:30Go on, you can laugh.
02:32I used to lead them mules 500 miles
02:34right through jungles, mountains, monsoons,
02:37right through the swamps, aerial bombardments,
02:40right through the enemy lines,
02:41and I still used to get there every month on schedule.
02:43Land of hope and glory.
02:48Go on, laugh.
02:49Mock everything that's just.
02:52You can't even drive a bus from here to the cemetery gates
02:54and back again on time every week.
02:56Look, simmer down, mate.
02:57Simmer down.
02:58Look, all we want to know,
02:59all I want to know to say in Indian is,
03:01please will you come out with me tonight?
03:03Oh, Stan, look at you.
03:04I haven't got a clue.
03:05Look, how do I say to her,
03:06what about some fish and chips
03:07and a quick snog behind the boozer?
03:09You can't talk to them girls like that.
03:12You've got to treat them properly, politely.
03:14Well, that is polite for him.
03:15Usually you don't ask.
03:17Now, you listen to me, you two.
03:19If you're thinking of going
03:20to that coloured busman's social tonight,
03:22you've got to behave yourself.
03:23That girl's got to be treated properly with respect.
03:25All right, there'll be no discrimination.
03:27I shall treat her exactly the same as I do the other birds.
03:30Yeah, filthy beast.
03:32But don't worry, mate.
03:33He don't stand a chance.
03:34Not unhurtly, does he, my darling?
03:45Cut.
03:46Mate, get a move on.
03:47I don't want to miss anything.
03:48What's that you've got there?
03:49It's me washing from the laundrette.
03:50Well, don't take it in there, mate.
03:51Put it in the locker room.
03:52What, and let you get in there
03:53for a chat up the bird first?
03:55Not likely, mate.
03:56I've never heard anything like it, mate.
04:00Ah, welcome to our little gathering.
04:04Oh, yes.
04:06Let's get on with that.
04:08Well, sorry we're late, Ahmed.
04:10It's all right.
04:11I have kept a place for you.
04:13Oh, thank you.
04:19Thank you.
04:26Hello, Blighty.
04:27What are you doing here?
04:28Shh.
04:29Take your shoes off.
04:30Eh?
04:31Take your shoes off.
04:33I can't get on with myself.
04:35Do you know they could leave the Commonwealth over you, too?
04:39Probably let our side down, haven't you, eh?
04:42Listen.
04:43Beautiful music, this.
04:45Ah.
04:46Barmy nights in the mess at Bankypore.
04:48Oh, love it.
04:49Why don't they play something I can recognise?
04:52That happens to be one of the Beatles' latest hits.
04:56Bravo.
04:57Oh, bravo.
05:02Here, Ahmed.
05:03Is Fatima here?
05:04Yes.
05:05She will be bringing you some refreshment now.
05:07Oh, good God.
05:11Let's face it.
05:12It's a lot better than the old skirt and jacket.
05:14It's a lot better than the old skirt and jumper, isn't it?
05:17Fatima is dressed like that because she's going to entertain us later on.
05:20Yeah, she's entertaining me already.
05:23Fatima is going to dance for us.
05:24Is she?
05:25A special Indian dance.
05:26Great, yeah.
05:27Hey, look where she keeps her earring.
05:30I wonder where she keeps the rest of her jewelry.
05:32Here, how's she holding that in?
05:34She must have a left-hand thread.
05:38You like good food.
05:39Oh, blimey, she speaks English.
05:41Oh, yes, I would like to thank you very much.
05:46Thank you.
05:49You like it?
05:51I make it myself.
05:53Yes, it's great. It's sensational.
06:00Go on, blimey.
06:03Hey, what's that you're eating, Stan?
06:05Well, I could tell you. Go on.
06:08I think it's an Indian gobslopper.
06:11In front of you, Fatima is going to perform a Sarabh dance.
06:15Wow, wow, wow.
06:19It's a Sarabh dance?
06:20Is it?
06:21Oh, good luck then.
06:22Fatima's going to do a dance.
06:31Oh, blimey, she's got a snake.
06:39What's she doing?
06:40That's the Fasani Kanach Hai. It's the Indian fertility dance.
06:43It's very successful.
06:45No wonder they've got a big population.
06:50Oh, blimey, she gets me going when she's just clearing the tables.
06:53I don't think what's going to happen if she doesn't stop wriggling about with that snake.
06:58That's very artistic. That girl has to rehearse that all day long.
07:01Do you know that?
07:02Well, she rehearsed with a roly-poly.
07:10Look at this little tongue.
07:17Don't move or she'll have you.
07:24I tell you what, mate, that's put me right off at Jelly Deals.
07:40Oh, my God.
08:02Oh, my God.
08:04Oh, my God.
08:11Oh, my God.
08:14Thank you very much, Mr and Mrs Rand.
08:16The Mata Balji was delicious.
08:18Well, that seems to be the end of the party, mate, doesn't it?
08:22Yes, lovely party.
08:23Ian, have you seen Jack?
08:25Yes, he's just gone out on the joke somewhere.
08:27Ian, listen, before he comes back, listen, how do I say in Indian,
08:31please will you come out with me tonight?
08:33It's our party, sir.
08:35How do you know?
08:39I just asked Fatima and she said yes.
08:41What?
08:46Late again, butler.
08:49Don't be late in the morning, will you?
08:51Where are you running?
08:53Ah, well, I just happened to bump into her.
08:55I bet you did bump into her.
08:57All right, if you don't believe me, ask yourself.
08:59I'm well in there, mate.
09:00Oh, well, I'll ask.
09:01We'll see as you go out, won't you?
09:02We'll see.
09:03You ready, love?
09:04Yes, me.
09:05Fatima, is that right?
09:07You're going out with Jack tonight?
09:09Yes, is that all right?
09:11Oh, yeah, all right, aren't I?
09:13Well, enjoy yourself then.
09:15Yeah, let's go then.
09:16Yes, I just have to take my snake.
09:18Snake?
09:19God, Bobby, not bringing that thing.
09:27I just have to take my snake home.
09:29I take my snake in the basket.
09:33I hope the three of you will be very happy.
09:37See, isn't she right?
09:39He won't like telling fellas.
09:43Look, Fatima, we can't take the snake into an English pub.
09:47I'd know one to take him home for me.
09:49Oh, God almighty.
09:53Look, would he be all right in there, huh?
09:56Oh, yes.
09:57He sleeps anywhere.
09:59Right, I'll just take the old clothes out then.
10:01That's lovely.
10:02Right, you shove him in there.
10:04That's the way.
10:06Oh, he's big, isn't he?
10:08Yeah.
10:10Right, that's it.
10:12Put him in.
10:14Right, that's it.
10:16Oops.
10:18My friend Stan will take him home.
10:22We'll collect him later.
10:24Let's just put that on there to keep him warm.
10:26That's it.
10:27Stan's a great snake lover.
10:33What a mug!
10:36He's lumbered with a snake, see?
10:42It's a new gimmick, got it?
10:44See, you don't take a mother, she takes a snake.
10:49Er, Stan, look, er...
10:51I've got a bit of a problem.
10:53I'll bet you have.
10:55Yeah, well, I was just wondering if you could take my washing home
10:58and I'll collect it in the morning.
11:00Yeah, of course I will, mate.
11:02I mean, you need both your hands, won't you?
11:04I hate to stop that dirty, slimy snake crying up your trouser leg.
11:08Stan, I have saved something for you.
11:12I'm sure your family would like to taste Indian sweetmeat.
11:14Yeah, they would, Ahmed.
11:16Thank you very, very much indeed.
11:18Oh, and that's nice of him, eh?
11:20Here, I'll put it in your bag.
11:22Oh, God, bless you, mate.
11:26Lumbered with a snake.
11:30Oh, what a bugger.
11:32Anyway, I'll be going now, mate.
11:36What have you got in here? Lead?
11:38No, it's the washing, it's a bit damp.
11:40Damp? It must be ringing wet, but I feel it is.
11:42Anyway, I'm going home now.
11:44I'll tell you what, mate.
11:46If you feel anything biting the back of your neck,
11:48make sure it's her and not the snake.
12:00Bye.
12:12Hi, Olive.
12:14Hello, Stan.
12:16How are you, mate?
12:18I thought you were going to be late. What happened?
12:20His bird probably said no.
12:22Oh, was it a nice party?
12:24Yeah, it wasn't bad at all.
12:26They had a bird, an Indian bird called Fatima,
12:28and she did a snake dance.
12:30A snake?
12:32Yeah, a great long thing, about ten foot long it was,
12:34and it twisted itself all round her body, you know.
12:36I dare say she's a very nice girl,
12:38but her ways aren't her ways.
12:40Imagine my Olive doing a thing like that.
12:44I don't know.
12:46She got in a few peculiar positions this morning
12:48when she tried to put two feet in one tight.
12:52She had her glasses on.
12:54Oh, wasn't that funny?
12:56No, I wasn't laughing at you and her.
12:58No, I was just thinking about Jack.
13:00What? Oh, go on.
13:02Stay.
13:04You see,
13:06he was breaking his neck to date this bird,
13:08Fatima, and eventually
13:10he did it, you see.
13:12Then she said, oh, I've got to take my snake
13:14home with me.
13:18Oh, dear.
13:20What a man! Imagine being in love with a snake.
13:22Anyway, I'll put this in the office.
13:24Who's man's that, love?
13:26Well, it's Jack's, isn't it?
13:28Well, I mean, he needs both his hands to hold up the snake, doesn't he?
13:30Oh, Stan!
13:32Oh, I nearly forgot.
13:34This fellow Ahmed, who ran this Indian dude down there,
13:36he brought me some sweetmeats
13:38to give to you.
13:40He's a nice bloke, you know.
13:42I want you to try one, Mum.
13:44Here, they're safe to eat.
13:46Olive, you try one first.
13:48Here, Stan, this one's had a bite
13:50taken out of it.
13:52I never noticed that before.
13:54Ah, perhaps it got broken off in the bag.
13:56Now then, which one shall I have?
13:58Now, wait a minute, Mum.
14:00You see that one there, those there?
14:02They've got that white powder on them.
14:04Ahmed told me they're a sort of a love potion.
14:06It is, yeah, and he called it
14:08er...
14:10An aphrodisiac.
14:12Oh, I thought I didn't know you spoke Indian.
14:14Happens to be English.
14:16It's probably powdered rhinoceros horn
14:18makes you eager for love.
14:20Oh, we never
14:22had anything like that in my day.
14:24What your Dad couldn't do in
14:26beer and shrimps, he didn't do.
14:28I don't think
14:30them Indian sweets work.
14:32It does, I tell you, Ahmed said so.
14:34It's a love potion, and it sort of
14:36makes you sort of, er...
14:38Well, you know.
14:40Here, Arthur, you have one. Go on.
14:42It'd be a pity to waste them,
14:44wouldn't it?
14:46That is a bit of a funny smell.
14:48What? Have a smell.
14:50That's not those sweets, that's that bag.
14:52What's he got in there?
14:54Get out of it, that's Jack's washing, that's personal.
14:56He was bringing it back from the laundrette.
14:58Bringing it back? By the smell of it,
15:00you've all been taking it.
15:02These sweets are quite nice. Arthur,
15:04the bag wobbled.
15:06What you on about?
15:08It wobbled all on its own.
15:10What do you mean it wobbled?
15:12It did, it went in and out.
15:14In and out?
15:16Don't be daft.
15:18Oh, it's them Indian sweets.
15:20You don't know what's in them. They can do some funny things
15:22with their herbs. She might be going
15:24into a trance.
15:26She's been in a trance all her life.
15:28Well, you know how sensitive she is.
15:30She gets hot flush if she has
15:32a wine gum.
15:34It wobbled. It didn't wobble.
15:36The only thing that wobbles is you.
15:38I know I saw it move.
15:40I'm going to bed.
15:42I know I'll wobble when I see one.
15:44Yeah, wobble her. Take that bag out
15:46with you. I can't stand that pong any longer.
15:52Right, down it.
15:58Right, what's Chelsea
16:00going to do?
16:02Well, it'll win a course, won't it?
16:06I'm worried about
16:08Olive. Why?
16:10She's peculiar seeing things.
16:12She's not herself at all.
16:14I wouldn't say that.
16:18Oh, God. Now
16:20what's happened? Oh, you know her.
16:22She's probably seen a spider.
16:24Oh, God.
16:26Get yourself together.
16:28What's the matter with you?
16:30Shut up.
16:32My God.
16:34Olive, where are you?
16:36Where are you, Olive?
16:38Come after me. I saw a snake.
16:40There you are. That's you talking about snakes.
16:42Do you know how she thinks with her stomach?
16:44Come out. There's nothing here.
16:46Come on, Olive. Out of the bathroom.
16:48I tell you, I saw a snake.
16:50A great big green and brown.
16:52It's your imagination. Look, there's nothing here.
16:54No, I think it went in the loo.
16:56Oh, I suppose it was past it.
16:58It took short and went in.
17:00Oh, go on. You're all right.
17:02There's nothing here, lovey.
17:04See, Mum's with you.
17:06Oh, no!
17:12Oh, no!
17:14Oh, oh, oh!
17:16No, it's trapped me by the door!
17:22Right.
17:24Now, Dad, do you mind telling me how that snake got in the house?
17:26Yeah, I got it. Yeah, I know how he's done it.
17:28It's Jack. You won't last see him.
17:30Do you know what he's done to you?
17:32He's put the snake in the bag, put his laundry on top,
17:34and left it there.
17:36Well, you've got it in the house. You get it out, mate.
17:38No, no!
17:40No, no.
17:42It's not used to me, see?
17:44But you said it was tame.
17:46Yeah, well, it is, but a girl, see?
17:48Only a girl can get that out, see?
17:50Olive, you get it out.
17:54Oh, my baby!
17:56Oh, come on, give me a hand. What shall I do?
17:58Smash the water on her face.
18:00Where's the spike?
18:02Ring her knickers out on her.
18:06Don't stand there. Give me a hand.
18:08Oh, right, all right.
18:14I've seen the snake.
18:16Evening.
18:18Perhaps it's gone back in the loo.
18:20Well, nip out there
18:22and shut the door on it quickly.
18:24Yeah, well, perhaps we'd better let it quieten down first.
18:26Dad, no!
18:28Well, I'll have a peek, then.
18:30Just a... but...
18:32Just a little...
18:34Let me...
18:36Oh, you rotten dog!
18:40Let me...
19:00It's not in the loo!
19:06Perhaps it's gone down the stairs!
19:10Oh, my God.
19:14It's coming out of Mum's bedroom!
19:18Let me in!
19:20Let me in!
19:22Let me in!
19:24Let me in!
19:26Let me in!
19:28Let me in!
19:30Oh, my, all right. Hey, hey!
19:32Is that snake gone?
19:34All right, all right.
19:36Oh, blimey!
19:38The knob's come off in me hand!
19:42All right, twist it your side.
19:44I'm twisting it! It's coming up here!
19:46Oh, I'm sorry.
19:48I didn't pull the bolt back.
19:50Are you all right, love?
19:52Of course he's all right.
19:54Here, where is it now?
19:56Let's have a look.
20:00Oh, blimey.
20:02It's curled up on the rug outside.
20:04What? On my new blue rug?
20:06Blimey, I hope it's house-trained.
20:10Look, mate, that is sitting out there
20:12waiting for us. It can smell us.
20:14You speak for yourself.
20:16What do you mean, smell us?
20:18How can it smell us? The door's shut!
20:20Look, mate, I can smell him, so I'm bloody sure he can smell us.
20:22Well, perhaps it'll go away
20:24when he gets hungry.
20:26Look, they only get fed once every three weeks.
20:28Oh.
20:30And then you have to give them a live rabbit.
20:32Oh, God! Thank heavens I put the cat out.
20:36All right, then, Mr Clever-Dick, what are you going to do now?
20:38I ain't going out there.
20:40Here, open the window and shout for help.
20:42Yeah, that's it, yeah.
20:44The fire brigade will hear us or something.
20:46Yes, of course.
20:48Right up. That's it.
20:50Help! Help!
20:52Well, somebody answered. What did he say?
20:54Shut up.
20:56God, blimey, what a neighbourhood.
20:58Here, you've got a piercing voice. You shout out, Olive.
21:00Oh, no, love, think of what the neighbours would think.
21:02Might think Arthur was attacking her.
21:04That seems a reasonable assumption.
21:06Go on, Olive, go on, have a go, go on.
21:08Help!
21:10Help!
21:12God, blimey, is that the best it can do?
21:14You sound like Tiny Tim on one of his off days.
21:16I've never had to shout for help before.
21:18That I can well believe.
21:20Yeah, let me have a go.
21:22They're sure to come when they hear of poor old Widow.
21:24Oh, God.
21:26Help!
21:28Oh, dear.
21:30What's happened now?
21:32Oh, blimey, I've swallowed a moth.
21:34Oh.
21:36Anyone at home?
21:38Oh, come here, love.
21:40They must all be upstairs.
21:42They wouldn't have gone out without shouting in the back door.
21:44Help!
21:46Help!
21:48Help!
21:50Help!
21:52God, blimey, what's wrong?
21:54They're staying you upstairs.
21:56We're trapped in the bathroom, the slate's got loose.
21:58Lord almighty.
22:00Hey, a phantom is here.
22:02Where is it?
22:04It's up here.
22:06It's gone quiet.
22:08Has she got it yet?
22:10All right, love, hang on, do your stuff.
22:12Has she got him in the bag yet?
22:14Jack, don't go.
22:16I want a word with you.
22:18Just one and I'll kill him.
22:20Now, don't come out, Stan.
22:22It's still loose.
22:24All right, come on, love.
22:26There you go.
22:28All right, Stan, you can come out now.
22:30It's in the bag.
22:32Right, open that door.
22:34Don't let him get away.
22:36You stupid, late idiot.
22:38I couldn't help it.
22:40The owner's gone right the way through.
22:42Well, open it.
22:44Olive, use your head.
22:46Don't break the door down.
22:48It costs pounds to get mended.
22:50She's right there.
22:52Come on.
22:54Help!
22:56Help!
22:58Help!
23:00Help!